CHERNUSHKA
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I go into the store. There's something on the counter
in packaging. Price lists:
SLAVYANKA SLAVYANKA SLAVYANKA
bows, ears, pockets
I immediately remember the classic: “Girl
I found a grenade in the field..."
Truly yours,
Evgeniy
══════════════ ════════════════════════════
Posters about the new were posted all over the city
entertainment - terrarium:
+-----------------------------------+
| Give a gift to your children! |
| ...... |
| DEATH BEHIND THE GLASS |
|...... |
+----------------------------------+
Dmitry
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Darwin Award-winning history
(free translation)
In California, fires are not someone else's fault.
normal and occur quite often as a result of
lightning, arson, or even God's
visions...
And then, one day, the fire brigade, which
inspected a recently burned area
forests, assessing the losses, the corpse of a mu-
Zhik, dressed for some reason in already melted-
sewing wetsuit, mask, scuba gear
back. The investigation showed that he died
it is not from fire, but from numerous injuries and
fractures. A dental examination identified him as
a man who disappeared a week ago. When-
than, he was last seen entering
the ocean is about 20 kilometers from the place
fire. The relatives apparently thought that
he drowned or was eaten by sharks. How would
not like that!
Trying to localize as quickly as possible
fire, firefighters were calledhelicopter
team equipped with huge basket-
mi for water intake (everyone saw it on TV
star). So, these helicopters flew to
the nearest body of water (it turned out to be the ocean)
filled the baskets with water and emptied them on
burning forest. Did you guess it?
A second ago, admiring the beauty of the bottom
the scuba diver, the next moment disarmed the
flying God knows what, at an altitude of 300
meters. As a consolation to orphaned relatives,
Investigators determined that the death of
the warrior of seascapes was still not
in vain - he put out 1.78 sq.m of fire.
This was approximately the area of its smeared
body on the ground.
Well, that's all...
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Meat salad "Misweeper's Error".
(c) www.anekdot.ru
------------------------------------------
Everything should be in a person.
(c) pathologist.
══════════════ ════════════════════════════
"You can't invent it on purpose"
Senile inscriptions ("Crocodile")
"Comrades! Those who go to the skulls - come through,
to finish with you quickly!" (Announcement
a nurse in a clinic)
"You are allowed to live one more day. After
I can’t help with that.” (Warning
hotel administrator's office)
“Instill all sick people at 7 am!” (ob-
phenomenon in the eye department)
"There is reinforced concrete in the central warehouse
about 20 cubic meters, ownerless, lying in a heap.
Remains of foreman Burmakin" (From the act)
"This is a nurse who can do everything,
- this is how the senior nurse speaks about Sannikova
hospital sister Anna Alekseevna Igrina. -
That's what she's called - the sister of a wide professional
la. If he takes a patient, he will see him through to the end."
(Newspaper "Nefteyugansk worker")
"Citizens who died at home, and not in the hospital,
must contact medical institutions themselves
application for a death certificate. City Registry Office is not obliged to
"I'm busy going around and identifying the dead at home."
(From the written testimony of the head of the
som)
"From October 12 to October 17 this year, the shooting range
schoolchildren are being shot atsliding-
mu graphics." (Advertisement)
══════════════ ════════════════════════════
Yesterday we had a lesson on resuscitation.
We came to the ward and examined the patient (well,
in other words, we torment her with all sorts of questions,
palpation, percussion, etc). Here's another
Well, grandma was brought to this ward. So, we-
We are going to examine this patient, and here,
in about half an hour, to grandma's, the cat.
they brought it, the nurse comes up and starts
take blood for analysis (who doesn’t know -
the finger is pierced and dialed). There's a group here
nurses, our teacher and we are starting
to get angry (although it seems like a sin - doctors are still
medical deontology, etc.). Nurse,
cat takes blood, notes this matter and
starts adjusting her skirt, thinking that this is the case
in this. He takes blood and leaves the room.
Everything seems fine. But 5 minutes before her
When Grandma arrived, she quietly went to the
light and the doctor stated this fact.
Best regards, Alley
September 10, 1998
SHARKS OF A FEATHER
Auditorium dooropened slightly to let in
to tease a gray-haired man with a smart
face and a large stack of papers in his left hand.
The man entered and returned the door to its original position.
position, put the papers on the table, placed
yourself into the office director's chair from a high
with my back, wiped my glasses several times
slammed his eyelids, and his appraising-critical
the gaze slid over the slightly subdued
the faces of those present. One and a half ten
ka representatives of disheveled-arrogant
Moscow students were reluctantly interrupted
a most fascinating conversation, dropped with a frown
chins in palms, sadly wrinkled
budding foreheads.
If the professor were an old wolf, he would
probably the only * elusive
for the human eye, the movement turned out to be
on the top of the rock, stretched his neck forward,
pricked his ears, raised the hair on the back of his neck and
cassock the air frozen over the surroundings
with a piercing cry of despair, I force-
asking all living things around to quit their business,
bite your tongue, bury yourself deeper into the ground
and think about the eternal...
But, as you probably already guessed, pro-
professor was not an old wolf and nothing of the sort
did not undertake the above; likewise
Tiv, he just stood up from his seat,
leaning his fists on the creaking lid
table.Fifteen pairs of elderly eyes
The Nijers radiated humility and humility.
“Hello,” the professor rubbed his shoulder.
sitsu, adjusted his glasses and took from the brought
packs of sheets lying on top.
- Is everything assembled?
- Everything seems... - came hesitantly from
back rows.
“Wonderful,” the professor winced, wandering.
looking at the paper. - So, each of
you decided to take journalism seriously.
This profession, as you have probably already successfully
notice, it requires diligence, invention
vigor, perseverance, good memory,
ability to communicate with people and much, much
th another. And first of all - I work hard -
Biya. I ask you to always remember this.
Not everything will work out, it will have to
go through a lot of disappointments - your articles
they won’t publish, they won’t pay enough.
Editors will consider you mediocrity, reading
teli are boring. Next - you will get to know each other
with actors-pederasts, politicians-sorry-
tutkas, organized crime,
corrupt police, drunkenness, drugs -
mi, skin diseases, hemorrhoids, rho-
fever, gunshot wounds -
mi, as well as with some of my old ones
friends. Besides,from time to time you
they will punch their faces in the entrances, on pre-
presentations, in theaters, at exhibitions and in
other interesting places - in a word,
wherever your professional takes you
debt But always remember the main thing -
hard work, hard work and hard work again!
At the word “hard work” the students’ faces instantly
really shriveled up, as if they had been sprayed
a mixture of Borjomi, vinegar and lemon juice.
Someone sighed loudly.
“So,” the professor continued, “exactly me-
a hundred years ago you received a task to find out who
This is Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin. Let's get started
in order,” the professor looked first
to the desk on the far left, then to his desk
smear, please, Margarita Semyonovna.
- Margarita Semyonovna Dvubortnikova, - with
said in horror, scared to death
student - I've been trying to find out all month
something about... - she'll sneak a peek -
la into the powder box -... about Alexander Sergei -
Vice Pushkin. I wandered through the streets of Moscow
tsam, read newspapers, listened to the radio, met
hung out with interesting people...
- She met with Kushakov, - as if
by the way, Margarita’s neighbor noticed
Semyonovna, nervously biting her lips. Development
flowing oppositeKushakov straightened his gal-
knock, smoothed his hair and tenderly
started looking at the right shoe on
own leg, then the neighbor Margarita Se-
exchange.
- Vera Petrovna, please don’t interrupt -
those,” the professor looked reproachfully at his co-
Dvubortnikova's saddle. - Valery Sergeevich,
- a reproachful look at Kushakov, -
don't get distracted. So...
- I wandered the streets of Moscow, listened
radio, - in Dvubortnikova’s eyes I’m sure-
Tears flowed - I listened to music... At the zoo
was... A monkey with imported cookies
I was feeding her, and she tore my tights... -
Tears rolled down the student's cheeks, and she
fell silent.
For about four minutes the professor massaged the former
prematurely gray temples.
- Anything else? - asked rather dryly
he.
“I’ve been trying all month...” I burst into tears.
Dvubortnikova, - Kushakov... Scoundrel, scoundrel
lad... - she choked on tears, pressed
to the trembling chest the powder compact and ran out
la from the audience.
Professor secretlymeasured the pulse.
- Vera Petrovna, please.
“Vera Petrovna Antelopova,” she bared her teeth.
would be bursting with health and zeal,
beautiful blonde. - Having received the task, then
the same day I subscribed to eight newspapers and
four weeklies. Every morning I cut
interesting notes, wrote them down in a notebook
names of the authors. I started keeping a diary, in which
who wrote down her impressions of what she read,
“go,” Antelopova looked around victoriously
to the parties. - About Alexander Sergeevich Push-
no one has done anything in the last month
wrote,” the neighbor solemnly finished
escaped Dvubortnikova. - I have everything.
The professor counted to himself to twenty.
- Denis Ivanovich.
“Denis Ivanovich Polosin,” he scratched his
a tall young man with glasses. By-
rummaging in his pockets, he pulled out a non-
how many printer printouts, a box of dis-
ket and two CDs. - MG database
“TS,” the bespectacled man began thoughtfully. -Information-
tion of the fourteenth of March one thousand nine-
hundred and ninety,” the young man looked
on the clock - six years old. From the registered
bathrooms in Moscow residents,known to the system
sixty-seven men aged two
months to ninety-two years, wearing fa-
milia Pushkin. Of these, sixteen are
Alexanders, and four - Alexanders
Sergeevich. I managed to meet...
“That’s enough,” the professor hid his face in
palms. - Of course, I understand...*But
there is a limit to everything... It's just the devil knows
what is it! Tell me,” he threw his glasses at
table, - someone, at least one of you, to-
Have you thought about going to the library?
Kushakov straightened his tie and smoothed his hair
and extended his index finger.
“Strange,” muttered the professor. -Va-
Lery Sergeevich, could you please tell us
say who Pushkin was.
“With pleasure,” he smiled dazzlingly.
Xia Kushakov. - Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin -
- great Russian poet.
“Incredible,” the professor whispered. -Va-
Lery Sergeevich, please tell me
colleagues, how did you manage to get
read this information. I'm sure they're just
burning with curiosity. Fine?
“Willingly,” Kushakov agreed with a smile.
- there is nothing simpler. Islept with our but-
howl of the librarian.
A long, languid pause hung in the audience.
uza. It was heard between the window frames
mi buzzes it is unknown how it flew there
fly.
“So-so...” the professional suddenly exhaled.
rubbish - Who else knows that Alexander Serge-
Evich Pushkin - a great Russian poet?
Four raised their hands: Maria Dmitrievna Ko-
Beleva, Antonina Vladimirovna Stepanova,
Svetlana Viktorovna Bezrukova and Dmitry
Nikolaevich Nosikov.
The professor hesitated for some time. B
in the end, he nodded towards Kobele-
howl:
- How did you know this, Maria Dmitrievna?
- I... - Kobeleva looked into the corner and turned
la the handle of my purse, - I slept with Kushako-
you...
Something pierced the professor's heart.
- Antonina Vladimirovna?
- Yes. With Kushakov...- Svetlana Viktorovna?
- With him...
- Dmitry Nikolaevich? - professor with confidence
Doy looked at Nosikov.
“I... Also...,” the young man admitted hesitantly.
sha.
- What - too? - the professor yelled.
- Well... That... With Kushakov... Slept...
- the tongue-tied Nosikov mumbled.
If the professor were an old wolf, he would
probably the only * elusive
for the human eye the movement turned out to be
on the top of the rock, stretched his neck forward,
ears pricked, the hair on the back of the neck and bro-
plunged into the abyss, shaking the frozen
the surrounding air with a piercing scream
despair, forcing all living things around
leave what you're doing, bite your tongue,
dig deeper into the ground and think about
eternal...
- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! - professor girth-
shook his gray head with his hands and ran out of the auditorium.
torii.You could hear the angry man between the windows.
ha. Valery Sergeevich straightened his tie,
smoothed his hair and brushed a speck of dust from his sock
your right shoe. Vera Petrovna noise-
but sighed. Dmitry Nikolaevich looked
looked out the window and grumbled offendedly:
- I’m not because of Pushkin... I’m because... But
love...
April 1996
(c) 1996 Norwegian Forest
_/*Sincerely yorz*/_, *Dmitry Shmurdyak*
Ж8=====( + )
* [MegaHackz TEAM]
*[TRASH-DEATH-METALL TEAM]
* [MAZDAI lamer!!! TEAM]
------------------------------------------
The work of a programmer and shaman has many
in common - both mutter incomprehensible words,
perform incomprehensible actions and cannot
explain how it works.
Dumb question
------------------------------------------
AT> Is there a program in nature thatin which
AT> swarm you can draw a sprite point by point,
AT> and then get something like:
AT>DB 0h,0h,0h,0h,0h,0h,0h,0h
AT>DB 0h,0h,0h,0h,0h,0h,0h,0h
AT>DB 0h,0h,0h,0h,3h,3h,3h,3h
AT>DB 3h,3h,3h,3h,0h,0h,0h,0h
AT>DB 0h,0h,3h,3h,3h,2h,2h,2h
AT> DB 2h,2h,2h,3h,3h,3h,0h,0h
AT>DB 0h,0h,3h,2h,2h,2h,1h,1h
AT>DB 1h,1h,2h,2h,2h,1h,0h,0h
AT> Or is there an easier way?
In my opinion, you don't need such a program.
How you work with your hands!
Attention! Last Sunday
The virus has activated!
------------------------------------------
I got sick on Sunday evening. fell down
temperature 40, headache. Called at night
ambulance We arrived and stuck a syringe in the ass
(then I was sick for two days), they said: “Father-
Well, it’s all the virus’s fault, but which one isn’t?
we know." And they left.
I didn't even imagine that I could end up
in place of their users, who have to
support and, in case I screw up-
xia, talkexactly the same phrase.
Bye, Mobi
Girl and computer
------------------------------------------
Once during a class on using computers
in scientific research, VARITAB was studied
(those old spreadsheets). One
the student multiplied the cell by itself.
The program went into a loop, they ran across the screen
calculation lines. Looking at the screen for a minute
you are three, a student suddenly - fist bumping
monitor. The teacher is speechless
ryal.
“What are you doing,” he says?
“Why,” he answers, “I’m always like this at home.”
As soon as the TV starts charging, I’ll hit it with my fist
I knock, it shows normally again...
WBR, Yuri Kosivtsov
The Mighty Parallel Machine
------------------------------------------
In kbfi.ee - Institute of Cybernetics in Tallinn-
not - in deep Soviet times, every hundred
mine, traveling beyond the borders of the beautiful Motherland
We were obliged to bring the processorZ80.They
there they were going to build a mighty
parallel Machine: 256 processors!Bye
collected (people rarely traveled) came re-
Troika, computer revolution, collapse of the Soviet Union.
It became possible to buy these very things from the bourgeoisie
Z80... In general, the project is finished. It's a pity.
Artur Zinatullin
------------------------------------------
Alternatives to home single-user
systems: allow games to be launched from the port
Nuhoy to the younger generation or refusal
get rid of them yourself :)
Alex
------------------------------------------
One new Russian explains to another
phone, like the background screen of a monitor in a ma-
paint the linen color:
- ...Now click "OK."
- Pressed. Listen, they are offering overload
squirm. Agree?
- Not right away. What an authority you are!
Yegor
Apartment running Windows------------------------------------------
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\ - - //
(@@)
══oООо═(_)═оООо═══════════════════Forward═
Original in area SIMBIRSK.GENERAL
Original from Dmitry Kiselev 2:5051/5
Original then All
ooo0riginal about "[Windows]:
( ) Ooooh* in your home"
═ (════( )════════════════════════════
_) ) /
(_/
Household appliances, integrated computer-
new network is becoming a reality today.
Microsoft is actively
participation in home automation projects
his farm. Knowing the peculiarities of "behavior-
information" of its software products, you can pre-
to figure out how it will all work.
-=-
"The "Door" application committed an illegal
my operation and will be closed. You can't
open the door because there was a mistake
entry-exit."
-=-
"During the washing process, new systems were detected
dark components of "Buttons". Release
telephone line and insert the "Install" disk
ka buttons."
Laundry falls out of the machine, pours out
water, in a nasal voice:
"The button driver is installed, to continue
Work conditions*reboot required
linen Insert new underwear and press start
-reboot - yes - sure - exactly - dry -
hurt - rewrite - yes - sure - yes - with
same name - sure - reboot";
or:
"Button driver not found, components
"Buttons" will be removed from the system";
further:
"It is impossible to keep clean linen because
because there is not enough free space in
washing machine. Linen cannot be
copied from the car to the basin. Create in ta-
for a link to dirty laundry?"
-=-
"System error: device "Gas"
tap" cannot beclosed because
A burner error has occurred: the flame has gone out.
Close all windows, log out and log back in
to the kitchen."
-=-
"The refrigerator was not closed correctly
ed the last time the power was turned off. Produced
check the contents of the refrigerator?
During the inspection, one or more
how many spoiled products, as well as
lost clusters that were part of
products. Store them in a separate compartment.
Restore damaged products? Recover
update failed, products are only available
to view."
-=-
"The vacuum cleaner detected an unknown type of garbage
ra "Cockroach". Is this dust? Suck it in? Suction-
the cockroach is impossible, because in the system
the suction driver is not installed
crayfish Install the disk."
All the dust and dirt falls out of the vacuum cleaner.
rubbish
"Reboot required. It is impossible to
fuck a cockroach, because the driver supports
only red cockroaches survive
versions 7.0 and newer. Contact
Microsoft support to obtaincockroaches of a later version."
Confusion
------------------------------------------
At a conference dedicated to Win NT v.5.0,
Greg Sullivan, manager from Mik-
Rosoft. During the speech, listeners
learn that NT 5.0 will include
perl, awk, sed, much more and, in particular,
details, - Korn shell from MKS (ksh).
A listener stands up in the hall and states that
Microsoft chose a rather unfortunate reality
tion ksh, and asks if they were considered
Are there other implementations that are more compatible with
Unix prototype of the program.
The manager replies that ksh from MKS is quite
compatible and will run everything normally
Unix scripts.
The listener reiterates that MKS ksh
not good enough and does not meet the speci-
Cifications of the ksh language.
The manager stands his ground - everything is quite
is interchangeable, and all programs on this shell are
work at once.The bickering continues, and then one
of those present reports Microsoft -
to whom the manager,whom he is arguing with. Providing
Yes, with David Korn, author of ksh. All-
general laugh. The managerblushes.Curtain.
Andrew (ga@promex.ru)
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