Baldezhnik - Jokes.




     
                                          
Music By PANDA                  
(c) EXPERT & SISOFT/TRG         
                                          
                                 Нет повести печальной на свете,
                               Чем повесть о заклинившем Reset`е
                                                       (C) Народ
                                          
                   ***                    
                                          
 В эстонской школе:                       
    -  Дети,что означает голубая полоса на
нашем флаге? Да,Янус.                     
    -   Это   наше   небо,которое  поганят
советские аккупанты.  - Children, what does the black stripe on
our flag? Yes, Peters.                    
 - This is our land that is being trampled
Soviet occupiers.                      
 - Children, what does the blue stripe mean?
on our flag? Yes, Vovochka.               
 - This is Siberian SNOW, which will
clean up Janus and Peters.                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Teacher at school:                      
 - Children, today we will study words in
the letter "X".                                
Vovochka reaches out his hand:                       
 - Can I-can I?!                     
Teacher:  - Sit down Vovochka. You are still for the letter "B" dad 
I didn’t bring him to school.                        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Vovochka writes an essay on the topic "Spring".  
"Spring. Snow begins to melt. Wolves       
fucking."                               
 A teacher passes by:              
 - Vovochka, this is inconvenient!...            
 - Of course, my legs are moving apart!!!         
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
An old lady came to town and bought some for her grandfather   
galoshes, but nowhere to put them. Passed through  
road, went to the pharmacy and took a box, and 
The box says: "100 condoms". Selah  
on the train, and young people are sitting opposite,  
disappears. One asks an old lady:    
 - Who are you bringing?                          
 - Grandfather.                                 
 - How long will it last?                     
 - No, guys, my old man is like that   
shuffles - it would be enough for a week...        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
South Pole. A Chukchi and a geologist are sitting.         
 - Geologist, skaz, zensina completely white   
does it happen?                                   
 - It happens!                               
 - Is it possible to be completely black?               
 - It happens!                               
 - And zensina is half black, half- 
Well, does it happen to be white?                          
 - No, it doesn’t happen!                        
 - So it was a penguin!              
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - What does an excited bun look like?    
 - On Chupa Chups.                         
                                          
 ***                   
  A businessman, an engineer and 
programmer   There's something wrong with the car 
happens and she stops.          
 Engineer: I’ll repair everything now, in a minute 
We'll leave in 40.                          
 Businessman: No, I’m on my cell phone with friends right now 
I'll call - they'll send us a new car here 
they'll drive it.                                 
 Programmer: Maybe we will all come out of 
machine, then we boot again and it 
will she go further?                       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Morning. 7:30. The alarm clock is ringing. Programmer 
slowly lifts his head from the pillow. 
He throws the alarm clock against the wall and nervously whispers: 
"I'm bypassing my startup files!" - and 
falls asleep again.                           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
To the director of the Volzhanin brewery, Solodov 
Khmel Pivovich from a group of drunks 
programmers.                            
 Statement: Please connect us to 
factory via a dedicated channel at a speed 
0.5 l/s.                                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Music lover, alcoholic and programmer 
asked what they would do if they 
suddenly woke up in the year 80...           
A music lover would go to save John Lennon.  
An alcoholic would drink cheap vodka.        
And the programmer would hang himself...              
Why?                                   
What, should I join the EU again?              
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A girl programmer rides on a tram, 
reads a book.   The old lady looks at 
girl, looks at the book, crosses herself and 
runs out in horror at the next stop. 
The girl was reading the book "Language" 
programming Hell."                    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Programmers ferment in nature.  They're coming 
conversations, trawl-wali... One says: 
 - I met a girl here on 
disco! Incomparable girl! And a figurine 
and has brains and dances well! So, 
I decided to pickup her to my home. 
I invited her, she agreed.   They came 
drank wine, talked about this and that, 
listened to the music.  Then I kissed her 
lifted it carefullyplanted his ass on 
keyboard, lifted my skirt...               
 Others:                               
 - So you have a computer at home?!?! A 
which one???                                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Phone call to the provider:            
- I have a problem again.                  
- What, you can’t log in?                   
- I managed to log in, but doesn’t want to suck!      
- Hmm. It's not our fault - our channel is wide
- What does the channel have to do with it?! Who am I talking to? This
  helpline?                        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
- Are you sure you want to delete the folder   
 D:\TEMP ?                               
- Yes.                                     
- This folder contains files.  You   
 sure you want to delete them?         
- Yes!                                     
- Deleting these files may affect  
 registered programs. All of you  
Are you still sure?                            
- Yes! Yes! Yes!!!                           
- Fuck you! - the admin yelled and pressed  
 Cancel.                                 
- Aha! Scared! - thought NT           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A little boy is standing on the street and 
crying loudly.    Comes to him 
policeman:                               
- Why are you crying, baby?                    
- I'm lost...                      
- Do you know your address?                    
- Yes-ah. asd.ddd.lpo.net!..              
- Oh, your mother! Where is this? At least your name
  do you know?                                 
- Administra-a-a-ator...                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Two hackers are talking on a bus:      
- You know, I havesomething with a pussy.        
The whole bus is on alert.             
- What about this?                             
- Yes, it hangs often.                         
- Maybe some kind of infection?                    
- I checked - everything is sterile.               
- Does it hang tightly?                         
- Tight, you can't help with three fingers...   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Bill Gates assembles the board of Microsoft. 
- last year we sold 1 million  
 copies of Windows...                       
- hackers broke it.                         
- this year we sold 2 million copies.
-hackers broke it.                         
- next year we will sell 5   
millions of copies, and let these hackers 
the keyboard will crack!                       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
The inscription on the hacker's grave: "Connect - 1961 
Lost carrier - 1998"                      
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 How is a user different from a programmer? 
If you ask them to restart the computer 
using only the mouse, the user clicks on 
"Shutdown" in Windows.  What 
will the programmer do? He will lift the mouse from 
table and press it to Reset.               
  ***                   
                                          
- Why do you have two in a row in your program  
 are the same JMPs?                 
- What if the first one doesn’t work.            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Real programmers write messages like this:   
"copy sop com2"                           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Watson (B) and Holmes (X) are flying in an airborne 
ball. We got caught in the fog and got lost. Via 
sometime descend over some 
city. They look - a man is coming.            
 Q: Dear, please tell me where we are 
      where are we?                          
 The man thought, looked at them and said:
 - In a hot air balloon.                     
 X: This is definitely a programmer.          
 Q: How did you guess?                     
 X: firstly, he thought before answering;  
 secondly, he answered absolutely accurately;
    and thirdly, his answer is absolutely 
    useless.                           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
How a programmer catches a lion in the desert:    
                                          
We block off the desert with a fence in half;   
 /* Leo is in one of the */ 
           /* resulting halves */    
While( The lion is not caught)                   
 Block off the part containing the lion 
    fence in half;                      
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Old and young prostitutes are standing on 
combat post.  The old one explains everything - to 
who should be approached, who should not be approached... On 
dawn suddenly from the office door unsteady 
a man walks out, hair 
disheveled, red eyes...              
Young:                                  
- Oh, what's wrong with him?                      
Old:                                   
- Don't pay attention.  This is yours,   
programmer. ALSO FUCKED ALL NIGHT       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The programmer looks at the piano: 
looks closely, walks around, then 
says:                                  
- the cyberboard is inconvenient - only 84 keys, 
   half are functional, none are  
 is signed, but pressing shift with your foot - 
 cool.                             
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
If your armpit stinks, wash or 
throw away the rug.                           
                                          
***                   
                                          
The work of a programmer and shaman has many 
in common - both mutter incomprehensible words, 
perform incomprehensible actions and cannot 
explain how it works.               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
The Conception of a Programmer:                      
1. Connect                               
2. Download                               
3. Disconnect                            
4. UnRar(ETA: 9 months)                  
                                          
 ***                   
  A programmer comes to an ophthalmologist. That one 
sits him opposite the table, takes 
pointer:                                   
- Read! - “B OP I”...Doctor, do you have something-
  it’s not the same with the encoding!                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Advice for everyone:                           
Buy yourself a more powerful computer,       
to reboot faster.            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
I was told to use my name 
cats as a password to "root" - 
bad tone. I won't change it! I'm so used to it 
to qZ!813_gg1...                                           
 ***                   
                                          
A robber and a hacker ended up in the same cell.   
 Robber: - I’m in prison for robbery 
store... Why are you in jail?           
 Hacker: - Robbed a bank for 7 million 
dollars...                               
 Robber: - What the hell are you doing... 
how did you take it from the bank - money? 
freaking much?                           
 A hacker talks in general terms about 
computers, networks, hacking, etc.       
 Robber: - wow, what about you 
got caught?                                  
 Hacker: - Firewall detected and triggered 
protection..                                  
 Robber: - Oh... Firewall, yours 
mother... I always knew that Jews 
you have to be afraid...                       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
- here is the problem with the hard drive          
- and it seems to me that this is the main problem
  with the head..                            
- with what head?                        
- probably from the hard drive, but I'm not sure.
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two programmers meet. One to another 
says:                                  
- You know, the modem is such a disgusting thing...  
- ????                                    
- My wife called her friend yesterday,  
I ran into the modem, so they spent two hours 
tweeted.                                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Mother brings her 12-year-old son to a psychiatrist 
and complains:                               
- Here, sitting on the Internet, naked women   
looks, fingering pussy...               
 Psychiatrist:                               
- Come on, leave us...                
Mother comes out.                           
 Psychiatrist:                               
- Do you want a certificate stating that you are healthy?       
 Boy:                                   
- I want.  Psychiatrist:                               
- Then let's quickly write the website addresses.  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The fidoshnik quarreled with his superiors, he goes 
all on nerves.  Go to your place and come on 
"to take away the soul."    He swears for a minute. 
another... The employees obviously don’t 
like it and one of them stands up and shouts:   
- ATZ !!!!!                               
Fidoshnik fell silent, caught his breath and said:       
- OK                                      
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The programmer is traveling toTaxi.  Suddenly 
the car broke down.   The driver tries 
start it up, but nothing works. 
The programmer advises:                    
 - Close the windows!                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - How the keyboard for  will change   
Windows'2000?                        
 - Left and right Reset will appear on it.. 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
The computer is like a callus, the longer   
the more you work, the bigger and more powerful it is!        
                                          
***                   
                                          
Harer (X) and User (Y):                      
Х: - My cabinet fell yesterday :-(       
Yu: - On your leg?! ;-O                       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Programmer after a very long 
sitting at the computer goes outside and 
looks at the sky: "God, you too 
Is Windows worth it?!"                        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Hello! I'm a modem, is 9600 okay?        
                     ***                   
...                                       
 - С25                                    
 - Ранен.                                 
 - С26                                    
 - Ранен.                                 
 - С27                                    
 - Файл win.сом на диске С: убит!         
                                          
                    ***                   
                                          
     Крылья...  Ноги... Хвосты... Главное 
  - коннект хороший!                      
                                          
                    ***                   
                                          
A programmer meets girls:       
- Girls, would you like some tea?                   
- NO!                                    
- And coffee?                                 
- NO!!                                   
- And vodka?                                
- NO!!!                                  
- Strange... Standard drivers are not      
 came up.                                
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 News from the life of Microsoft:              
localized version developed      
Windows98 for women.  To the "yes" and 
“no,” another one was added: “maybe.”  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 We met once on the street    
Windows95 and Windows98.    Windows95 
says: “Well, let’s go to a restaurant or 
Are we going to hang out here?"                          
                                          
  ***                    
                                          
 Chamomile and cornflower bloom on the forest floor   
lyane.                                     
 - Chamomile, do you love me?               
 - I love it.                                 
 - Do you want me?                      
 - I want.                                  
 - I wish these bees would arrive soon!         
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 While the husband was not at home, his wife came to see her 
 new lover - Carlson.                
Suddenly the doorbell rang. Whatdo?         
Here Carlson was found.                      
 - I have a propeller! And out the window.         
My husband came in.                                
 - Who did you visit?                        
 - There was no one.                        
 - I ask - who?!                    
 - There was no one!                     
 - Okay, whose pants are these then with       
 propeller?                            
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
Today on the stage of our theater ero-      
tical drama in three acts.              
                                         
 ***                    
                                          
 A young man and a girl are sitting on a bench.  young man
very shy.  Here's to the girl       
I want him to kiss her, she and    
says:                                  
 - Oh, my cheek hurts!                
The young man kisses her on the cheek.                  
 - Well, does it hurt now?                 
 - No, it doesn’t hurt.                         
After some time:                   
 - Oh, my neck hurts!                
He kissed her on the neck:                       
 - Well, does it hurt?                        
 - No, it doesn’t hurt.                         
An old man sits nearby and asks:          
 - Young man, you don't have hemorrhoids    
 are you treating?                                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, carrying
a basket of pies for grandma, stomping from behind
legs  Looks - a crowd of loafers, a man
ten.  Well, he thinks they’ll rape him now. And
so as not to suffer, she took off her panties, lay down and
waiting.                                     
 He hears a stomp rush past, opens
eyes - no panties and no basket.            
 Moves on. Towards the same one again
the gang is rushing... Now for sure
will be raped, Riding Hood thinks and lies down on
land.  The crowd rushed past. Opens
eyes sees: an empty basket, and in it
panties and a note: “They took the pies to grandma,
the panties were washed. Timur and his team."    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two women are traveling on the train: one    
young, one old and three men.   
 The train enters the tunnel, a sound is heard
kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.
 The young woman thinks: “Here she is, the old woman,       
kissing... No, they would kiss me!”        
 The old one thinks: “Look, the youth have gone.
They kiss the first people they meet!"           
 The first man thinks: “Once again into the tunnel
Let's stop by and kiss you again!"                
 The second one thinks: “One more kiss - more   
I'll hit you once!"                               
 The third thinks: "They'll hit me again - on      
I'll get off at the next stop!"               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A business traveler wants to buy his wife in      
gift bra.  The seller wants to know  
size:                                   
 - Well, at least in terms of shape, what it is: peach,  
apple, little melon?                
 - Spaniel ears...                       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Two friends met. One has      
hands holding a box with a TV.              
 - Where did you get it?such a shortage?             
 - Yes, I went to Nyurka, had a drink,       
had a bite, and then she went to bed       
flopped down and begged: “Vasya,      
take the most precious thing from me!"             
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two roosters are sitting on a fence in the city:
urban and rural. They are bored.       
The villager here says:               
 - Come on, shall we crow?            
 - Let's better go to the kitchen - at   
let's see naked chickens.                      
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Two friends meet. One boasts:  
 - I'm about to get married...               
 - Congratulations... And on whom, if not a secret?
 - Yes, you know her. Tatiana from Melitopol.
 -Are you out of your mind? This is the last one       
woman!  All of Melitopol is with her       
slept! Stop even thinking about      
get married!                                 
Six months later they meet again.          
 - How are you doing?                         
 - Yes, I got married.                       
 - Who is this on?                         
 - Yes, on Tatyana from Melitopol.           
 - How could you! I warned you! 
The whole Melitopol slept with her!   - Yes, I went to this Melitopol.    
So... small in general           
town...                              
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Evening at the Paris police station.      
The man on duty uses a file to clean his nails. Runs in  
policeman:                              
 - Monsieur, on the Boulevard des Capucines,           
prostitutes fight with homosexuals!        
The attendant continues to clean his nails:       
 - Well, how are ours doing!                     
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - What is the name of a man who wants 
but can't?                              
 - Impotent!                              
 - And who can, but doesn’t want to?          
 - Bastard.                               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 At an appointment with a sex therapist:               
 - Doctor, my husband is 200% impotent   
percent!                                
 - How so?! Well, I am one hundred percent       
I understand...                               
 - So it was, but yesterday he faltered   
and bit his tongue.                          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A granny is walking down the street, and towards her    
completely naked girl.  Granny          
indignant:                              
 - Are you crazy, dear?                
 - No, grandma, just on me          
erotic dress!                       
 - So you would iron it first           
ironed...                            
                                          
 ***                   
  A woman gives birth, but never gives birth.  
The doctor advises her:                        
 - You know, accept the original        
position...                              
 - I can’t, doctor, it was in the car,   
and their legs were sticking out of the windows...               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 What do women think about when looking at the ceiling?  
Mistress: - Will he come or won’t he come?          
Prostitute: - Will he pay or won't he pay?    
Wife: - Whitewashed or not whitewashed?             
                                          
***                   
                                          
On a railway strip near Paris
a couple makes love. Approaching
express  The driver, seeing them, begins
beep loudly and then turn on
emergency braking.      Express
stops literally a meter from
couples.  The driver jumps out and with a strong
runs up to the couple, cursing.               
 At this time, a young man
gets up, buttons his trousers and
says with a disarming smile:          
 - Monsieur, one of us should have
stop. Sorry, I couldn't...       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The wife hid her lover in the closet. That      
I sat in the closet half the night, couldn’t stand it,
put on his fur coat and began to quietly crawl out 
from the closet.  Then the husband woke up:          
 - Who are you?                                
 - Me? Mol...                            
 - Where did you take the fur coat?                     
 - I'll eat at home!                             
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Lecture at the Agricultural Institute. Professor:   
 - One healthy sire should 
have up to twelve copulations per day.
 Female voice from the first row:           
 - Excuse me, professor, how much?          
 - Up to twelve.                         
 - Please repeat for the last one  
rows!                                     
 Male voice from the last row:       
 - Tell me, professor, we are talking about       
copulation with one cow or with       
twelve?                              
 - With twelve, of course...              
 - Thank you, please repeat for    
first row...                           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Husband returns home, wife doesn't know   
where to hide your lover. Last      
the moment she realizes to put it on  
kitchen in the form of an antique statue.             
 - What is this? - asks the husband.   - I saw it from the Petrovs and also bought it.     
Now it's in fashion!                        
 We went to bed, at night my husband got up and went out to   
kitchen, prepared tea, sandwiches and       
handed it to the “statue”.                        
 - Do you want something?                        
 - Yeah...                                
 - Eat, I know when the Petrovs stood -   
not a single bastard cared...            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Son approaches dad:                    
 - Dad, how did I turn out?               
 - When your mother wasa goat, and yours  
Dad is a goat, we galloped, galloped and      
galloped...                           
 Son goes to his mother:                        
 - Mom, dad said that when you were   
like a goat, and he like a little goat, you galloped,      
jumped and it turned out to be me?                    
 - No, son, everything was wrong. That's when 
I was a swallow, and Uncle Fedya was an eagle, we   
we flew, flew and reached. And your dad, 
he always remained a goat!             
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A husband and wife are getting divorced. The judge asks
what is the reason for divorce?                    
 Wife:  - He tortured me. Some kind of sick..   
Night is not enough for him!  He also began to pester during the day.
 What do you say?                        
 - Yes, I still want to.                    
 - Did you go to the doctor?                   
 - Yeah. He said that I have sclerosis.  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Quiet hour in kindergarten. Leader of the middle  
group meets the new guy:           
 - Slysys, what is your name?                
 - Silesia.                                
 - How old are you?                    
 - Probably sytyle.  - Are you drawn to zenshins?                    
 - Nope.                                  
 - That means it’s not the sityls, but the aphids!               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A girl stands on the balcony and walks past   
man.                                  
 The girl suddenly shouts:               
 - Man! I'm afraid of you!                  
 - Why are you afraid of me?              
 - And you will rape me.                 
 - So how can I rape you if I    
downstairs, and you're on the balcony?!                  
 - And I’ll come down to you now...          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Exam at a medical institute. Examiner:    
 - And now, girl, what are you doing        
can you say about the male genital organ?
  - I’m right, I don’t know... Me          
it seemed that this was such a centimeter bone 
ditch 25 long.                          
 - Hmmm... Well, the fact that this is a bone is up to you   
it really seemed, but otherwise   
just lucky!                           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 ArrivedPinocchio to Papa Carlo:        
 - Dad, I met Malvina! 
    - So what? - How is that?            
 Give me a bitch!                     
 Carlo made a knot for his son. Pinocchio left
and soon returned back.                  
 - Well, son, is Malvina happy?   
 - Why do I need Malvina, I have
there is sandpaper!                            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Doorbell:                          
 - Neighbor, take part in group sex  
will you?                                   
 - Who else is coming?                  
 - Me, you and your wife.                     
 - Well, no, I don’t want that.                 
 - Okay, then we'll cross you out...       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Vovochka spies on how her mother
dad making love.                 
 Suddenly he hears:                        
 - Darling, who do you want: “A boy
or a girl?"                             
 - Well, now - a girl...            
 After a few Vovochka bursts into
room, and shouts:                   
 And I have a saber, a budenovka and a bicycle!   
                                          
 ***                                           
 Conversation between two friends:                
 - Oh, you know, I decided to sell mine
imported sofa.                          
 - Are you crazy? Why?     
 - He always reminds me of
cheating on my husband.                              
 - Come on! Yes, if I sold
everything that reminds me of cheating on my husband,
then in my apartment, except for the lampshade and
There's nothing left of the iron!                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Leonid Ilyich, what do you like more,      
New Year or sexual intercourse?                
 - New Year!                             
 - Why?                              
 - It happens more often.                        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A guy asks a girl to dance:      
 - Girl, can I see you?                    
 - We can, but let’s dance first.       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Girl, you can be invited to       
a cup of coffee!                             
 - You can, but don’t smoke in bed!     
  ***                   
                                          
A French woman is asked:               
 - During intercourse you talk -   
are you with your husband?                            
 - Yes, if there is a phone nearby.           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 On the bus, elderly but playful
a determined Frenchman sits opposite a lady,
which does not hide beautiful legs.       
 - I give you a hundred francs, madam, if you
lift your skirt a little, whispers
he.                                       
 The lady raises with a smile and, having received
promised, hides the bill in her purse and
adds:  - So many more, and I’ll show you that
the place where they cut out my appendix...    
 Monsieur immediately hands her another
bill                                   
 “Right here,” says the lady and
points out the window at the clinic, past which
they are passing by.                            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 "Intergirl Sveta Muravyova announced   
your body is a zone of free enterprise -   
materials".                                
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Morning dialogue:  - Honey, you know when I am in the morning       
I'll shave, I feel ten years old    
younger.                                   
 - Could you shave in the evening?        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Husband returned from the resort, wife
cooked dinner with a bottle, all in
waiting for something new.              
 - Tell me, do you want anything else? -
asked playfully already in bed.            
 - Yes... I would drink another hundred grams.    
 - There's a check hidden in the refrigerator -
“Go have a drink,” the wife sighed humbly. - I
I foresaw what you would want. Come back
hurry up.                                 
 The husband returned and lay down. Silent.            
 - Well, what about now?                       
 - I would like to drink more.                     
 Again to the kitchen, again back. Lay down.
Silence.                                 
 - Well, - for the last time (not so much anymore)
playfully) asks the wife, “and now?.. Not
would you like something like this?
new guy?                               
 The husband shuddered decisively:            
 - Get out of bed... mmmm... and
rest your hands on the carpet. And now I'll get out
on top of you... S-so... Now take it
me to the kitchen - there’s more in the refrigerator
fifty grams left.                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Maruska, where did you tear your stockings?    
 - It got caught on the tank.                  
 - For which tank?                         
 - Yes, on uniform.                         
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two octogenarians go to
honeymoon trip.  On the first night they
slowly, with anticipation, they undress and
go to bed, the husband takes his wife's hand
his own and holds it until he falls asleep. Same
the same thing repeats itself on the second and third nights.
On the evening of the fourth day, the husband tries again
take your friend's hand, but she
stops it:                       
 - Not today, honey.  I have a headache.                                   
                                          
 ***                   
  Girl's memory: didn't I give it to him?     
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Sexual weakness: no one can do it      
refuse.                                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Flower and Bumblebee (dialogue):                
 - Do you like it?                                
 - I love                                  
 - Are you getting married?                              
 - No.                                   
 - Get off.                                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 English and Russian.                    
 - I usually meet ladies at a bar.
We get into the Mercedes and drive to my place.
country villa.  We drink coffee with cognac,
listen to light music, then go to bed.
There are many ways to make her
maximum orgasms, satisfy her
completely.  In the morning I give her expensive things,
I’ll take you to the city, and give me three goodbye
thousands...                                
 - And I usually meet on the tram.
If she has half a liter, we go to her. I give
three rubles and - on a folding bed. And when in the morning
I leave and take the three rubles, she is in ecstasy.    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Comrades, today I will read to you
lecture on the topic "Syphilis".  But first -
a small lyrical digression.         
 As I remember now, my friend and I were sitting in
park on a bench, studying notes on
history of the party. What? Which party?... Yes
We were one party back then.  History
famous... So, she sits next to us
The girl also takes out her notes.
Let's meet so we can study together
history.  But a friend invites a girl to
movie, they're leaving. They left and I was left with
nose. And the friend was left without a nose.           
 So, a lecture on syphilis...               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Question to the prostitute:                   
 - How do you have fun after 
work?                                   
                                          
 ***                  
                                          
 - I would like to become famous in cinema -    
a star so that the whole world can talk about me!  
 - Is it not enough for you that the whole street is talking about you?
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - What a stubborn man you are, young man! Naughty! I am  
yesterday I told you: “No.”                
 - Ah, so it was you!                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 If a gentleman called a lady dear,   
means he needs a cheaper lady.        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Should a gentleman cross his leg   
on the leg, if one leg is not his?           
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Don't put off work until Saturday,       
fucking old age!                     
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Prostitute gives money to Parisian    
bank.                                     
 - Madam, - the employee tells her, sorry,  
but the money is fake!                      
 - My God, - she screams, - leave me 
raped!                             
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Gentleman, having decided to purchase on credit
car, discovers that he cannot
enough money for the down payment. In the evening he
sadly tells his wife about this.     
 - Don’t be upset, dear, - he consoles
his wife. - I have five thousand in my account
dollars.                                 
 - I made it a rule to postpone
dollar every time you and I
making love.                       
 - Lord, - said the amazed husband,
if I had known about this earlier, I would have long ago
gave up hisjob and took over for you
seriously...                               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - You heard, in our state from afar
a new law that prohibits
changing into a bathing suit right on
beach.                                    
 - This doesn't bother me at all. I usually
I change clothes on the bus, on the way to
beach.                                     
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 At rehearsal. Director for the young actress:  
 - I'm afraid you'll have to replace yours      
airy transparent dress.               
 Youngactress:                        
 - But it suits me so well!                   
 Director:                               
 - You are right, but in the next scene,      
when your fiance tells you:          
"Darling, admit it, you're telling me something   
hiding", it sounds like a joke.         
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Boris, - asks on the phone
wife, - did you check - the circulation is today
cash lottery... You won
anything?                               
 - X.. won, - answered with offense
spouse                                   
 - So look, don’t even think about taking it
money!                                            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A real gentleman will always let you in
lady ahead if there is a slit on her dress
behind.                                    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
You would ask for a divorce if
Did you find out that your husband is cheating on you?            
 - Are you crazy?!   For this he is also
reward...                            
                                          
 ***                   
  Van, and Van, and what is an oncoming
plan?                                     
 - Well, for example, tell me
you say:                                
 - Come on, Vanyusha, twice today!    
 - And I’ll give you a counter plan:       
 - No, Man, let's have three!  Although both
 ***                   
                                          
 A real gentleman will always let you in
lady ahead if there is a slit on her dress
behind.                                    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
You would ask for a divorce if
Did you find out that your husband is cheating on you?            
 - Are you crazy?!   Forthis is also his
reward...                            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Van, and Van, and what is an oncoming
plan?                                     
 - Well, for example, tell me
you say:                                
 - Come on, Vanyusha, twice today!    
 - And I’ll give you a counter plan:       
 - No, Man, let's have three!  Although both
we know that even one really won’t work!  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Why do women need miniskirts?             
 - To find out our maximum capabilities.   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Queue to see the gynecologist.  To the office
a man comes up and asks who
last one.                                
 - You understand, they tell him, - this
turn to the gynecologist.                     
 - Well, yes, I need it.              
 - But you understand... this is female
doctor                                     
 - Tell me, is he the one who puts the spirals? 
    - Yes, he is.                             
 - Well, then, he takes pictures.            
                                          
 ***                   
  A young couple comes to a sex therapist.
The husband complains that they recently got married,
but due to lack of experience, he does not know
what to do with my wife.                       
 The doctor invites his wife to lie down on the couch
and shows her husband his marital
responsibilities.                              
 - Now you understand that you must
what to do with your wife? - asks the doctor.        
 - Oh yes, doctor!  But if you sometimes
You’ll be busy, who should I take her to then? 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 There was only one thing in the erotic play
action, but how many acts!               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Woman washing in shared bathroom
communal apartment, and the neighbor stood on
stool in the hallway and looks through
glass top door.  She noticed and
says:                                  
 - Well, why are you staring, there’s no naked woman
did you see?                                    
 - I need you! I look whose soap
you are washing!                               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Honey, why are your hair so long?
eyelashes?                                  
 - And I cried a lot as a child.     
 - It would be better if you wrote more...        
                                          
 ***                   
  - Does the Soviet engineer satisfy
his job?                               
 - Of course.  In the morning, when the Soviet
an engineer rides on a bus to work, he
looks with interest at cute people
women.  In the evening, when he returns from
work, no longer looks at women.         
 So it works completely
satisfies...                          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A singer comes to the opera house
get a job:                   
 - Tell me where your sofa is, on
which votes are checked?                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Production of a new
erotic magazine: "Technique for
youth"                                
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Night.  The wife reluctantly rubs her eyes and
begins to energetically pull the blanket off
husband.                                     
 - What?  Again?  - exclaims pleadingly
he.                                       
 - No, it’s time to go to work.          
 - Hurray! Get to work! Get to work!          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Husband is furiousruns around the small
shabby apartment. Jumps up to his wife:   
 - No, well, tell me: Could you
would cheat on me with someone else's man over a hundred
rubles?!                                  
 Wife is indignant:                      
 - My God, how can you say that about me
think? Did I give any reason for insults?
    “No, you answer,” the husband continues.
And for a thousand rubles?!                      
 - Well, dear, you know how we are
We live hard.  You probably could have me
forgive and understand...                      
 - Enough!    - The husband screams and
jumps up to his daughter: - Could you
give yourself to an African for 50 dollars?        
 - Dad! - the daughter bursts into tears. How
can you - my father - think so about
me?!                                     
 - Oh well! - the father shouts. And for a hundred,
for two hundred dollars - could you?!           
 - Well, dad, you and mom are so little
you're probably making moneywould like me
got it.                                    
 - My God! - husband sits on a stool
and sadly hugs his head in his hands. - Two
Whores are at home - but we live like beggars!          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A twelve-year-old girl plays
sandbox.                                
 A man with a gun approaches:              
 - Girl, do you want to live?                 
 - Is this a goat with you?!            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 In the public toilet near the long
there's a line of men at the urinal doing their thing
matter. Another one comes in here.Takes off his pants
sits down, but in a feminine way.                    
 One of those present could not stand it and
asks:                               
 - Sorry for being curious. Why are you
so, like a woman?                           
 - Yes, yesterday he, the bastard, let me down so much,
what is disgusting to hold in your hands...            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Tour guide on the bus:               
 - And now we are passing by the
famous brothel in Las Vegas. Soviet
a tourist jumps up:               
 - Why???                         
                                          
 ***                   
  Two Englishmen are fishing. One
bites, he hooks and pulls out
lovely mermaid.  Having admired her, he
takes her off the hook and throws her back into
water. The second one is surprised:                  
 - But why?                          
 - But how?                             
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Jesus Christ made his way through the crowd to
a woman who was stoned, and
took her hand:                          
 - Let the one who is without sin be the first
throw a stone at her!                      
 The crowd was speechless.  Suddenly through the heads
people were whizzed by the cobblestones.                
 Christ turned around irritably:       
 - Well, as much as you can sayto you,
Mother - don't meddle in my affairs!                
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Guy during a film festival
met a Spanish girl and
invited her to visit him at home in the evening.
During the day he resorts to his friend, the doctor: 
    - You see, I’m visiting a Spanish woman this evening.
invited, and you know - they are so sultry there
women... Well, in general, would you give me
something so that I wouldn't be in front of her
disgrace yourself.                               
 A doctor friend prescribed him pills,
the guy accepted them as stated in
recipe.   The next day they again
occur:                              
 - Well, tell me, how were you yesterday?      
 - Great, eight times.                
 - And she?                              
 - But she didn’t come...                                           
 ***                   
                                          
 - Girl, are you going now?         
 - They only go crazy.                
 - Well then, are you going out?               
 - They only get married.               
 - Well, what do you do then?         
 - I’m coming out!                            
 - Oh, sorry, I didn't know what you had
Today is my birthday!..                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two friends are talking:           
 - Why don’t you go fishing?          
 - Well, you see, my wife won’t let me in. 
    - And you do as I do. Everything from Friday
I prepare it and throw it away on Saturday morning
the curtains of the blanket, I look at my wife’s butt and
I say: “What an ass.” She is offended, we
we quarrel.  I am for a fishing rod - and fishing. A
I come in the evening and we make up.             
 My friend did just that.  Prepared with
evening tackle. In the morning I pulled back the blanket:
 - What an ass... Come on, that fishing!
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Frenchmen, husband and wife, almost
quarreled over deciding what color to paint
bedroom ceiling. The husband wanted blue, and the wife
insisted on pink. To solve this
question without damaging your pride friend
friend, they went outside and asked for
advice to a passerby.                      
 - I think, the passerby answered, - you
It's better to paint the bedroom ceiling pink
color  - Why?                          
 - You see, your wife sees more often
bedroom ceiling than you...               
 - Are you from the province?..            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 How women in different countries relate to
husbands with lovers?                    
 American:                           
 - John, I think you won't bother me
do my little business.              
 French:                          
 - Jean, move over! Paul jump to us!  
 Russian: - Vasya, not in the face!
Back to work tomorrow!                         
Ukrainian: - Tarasya,ce ti? And who?
Oh, I'm so confused, I'm so confused...   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Daughter, who is this young man?
who kissed you last night?       
 - What time is it, daddy?          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 - Tell me, Johnny, are you peeping
sometimes through the keyhole when we're with
Are we locking ourselves in this room with your sister?  
 - Yes, it happens, but when it’s not there
Dad or sister Betty looks in.        
                                          
 ***                                           
 - How shy you are, - mockingly
said the pretty girl to the young man
guy.                                    
 - Yes, in this respect I’m just like my father. 
    - Was your father such a modest fellow too? 
    - Very. Mother said that if he
wasn't so modest, I would have been three
years older.                              
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Entertainer in a Chicago nightclub
announced the next number.  The lights went out
the spotlight illuminated a long-haired creature,
slid onto the stage.                  
 - Oh God, - whispered the husband, - who is this?
girl or young man.              
 - Well, how can I find out? - answered
wife.   - You see, all the signs are covered
guitar.                                  
                                         
 ***                   
                                          
 - Hey, young people!  - the father shouted from
bedrooms.  - It's already one o'clock in the morning. What do you think
stay alone until the morning?                
 - Thank you! - exclaimed the lover
young man   - But I need to go home first.
call.                                
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
                                          
 Two friends meet.              
 - How's family life?              
 - Excellent.  My husband for the last month
has completely changed: he takes care of the children,
cooks food, goes shopping, does laundry,
cleans the apartment - in general, does everything.  
 - Well, you know, dear, you just
lucky. How did you achieve this?        
 - You see, he read in the newspaper
article that if the housewife is not very tired,
she is more active in bed.        
 - Well, how did it help?              
 - Honestly, I don’t know. By the end of the day
he barely makes it to the bed.             
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The patient calls the doctor at home:           
 - Oh woe! My son fell ill with scarlet fever.
The worst thing is that he got infected,
kissing our maid.                  
 The doctor calmingly:                   
 - Don't worry, young people are always
act thoughtlessly.                    
 Patient:                             
 - But the trouble is that I also kissed
this girl.                              
 Doctor surprised:                       
 - Here you go! This is very bad.       
 Patient:                              
 - Worse, I kiss my wife every
morning and every evening, I'm afraid that she too...  
 The doctor is scared:                       
 - Oh my God!   So I can too
get sick...                               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 As soon as the pretty girl got on the bus
blonde in a short skirt, all men
They immediately turned their gaze to her.
The girl wanted to sit down, but at this time
the bus braked sharply, and the girl
losing balance andtrying to grab hold of
the back of the seat, accidentally slapped my hand on
the cheek of the young man sitting next to him.
Blushing with shame, she began to apologize,
but the neighbor stopped her and, smiling,
said:                                
 - Don't worry, girl. For what I
I thought, looking at you, I deserve more
a stronger slap:                   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 One girl:                        
 - Do you know why I'm marrying
doctor? Because if I get sick, he will
will always cure.                           
 Other:                               
 - And I’m marrying a priest. If
I sin, he will forgive my sins.         
                                          
***                   
                                          
 The wife says to her husband:                   
 - Honey, our new servant burned
bacon and eggs.  Won't you be satisfied
a couple of kisses for dinner?                
 Husband to wife:                            
 - There's nothing you can do, call her here.  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The strict housewife began to interrogate
new maid, why did she leave her previous one?
places of work.                             
 - Yes, you understand, the situation in their home
turned out to be not entirely healthy. The child was
too lazy, and the father too active.
                                          
 ***                                           
 The hostess barely had time to throw it on herself
robe when a servant entered the room.         
 - Louis! Why don't you knock? What if
I'm naked!                               
 - Don’t worry, madam, - he reassured
her servant, - before entering, I
I always look through the keyhole.    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A little boy lost his mother in
crowd of a large department store.  Duty officer
department store scolds a boy:           
 - Boy, you should always hold your mother
by the hand.                                  
 - But she had so many different things in her hands
things.                                    
 - Then you had to hold it by the skirt, -
saidduty room.                         
 - I tried, but couldn’t reach her
it was so high.                          
                                          
 ***                  
                                          
 Mother of daughter:                          
 - Why did Jim bring you home like that?
late?                                   
 Daughter:                                
 - We had a long conversation along the way. A
What, did we disturb you with our noise?     
 Mother:                                
 - No, baby, followed by that
silence.                                
                                          
 ***                  
                                         
 At a meeting.                          
 - And what are you for, comrade?              
 - I... ? I am for economy. But
not for such savings that you can see
"farm".                              
                                          
 ***                  
                                          
 Announcement:                           
 Young elderly man without
especially bad habits offers a hand and
the heart of a decent and sympathetic girl,
who dresses in "Children's World" and
buys a bra at Bogatyr.         
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Investigator:                          
 - So you claim that you have it
stole money?                           
 Girl:                              
 - Yes! Scoundrel! Deceiver!              
 Investigator:                          
 - Where did you hide the money?            
 Girl blushing:                   
 - They were placed in the stocking.         
 Investigator:                          
 - Why don’t you do this then?
opposed?                           
 Girl:                              
 - I didn’t think he needed money.  
                                          
 ***                                           
 The man was very surprised when the woman walking
a woman met him and greeted him
him. Having caught up with her, he asked:               
 - Why did you say hello to me?
After all, I don’t know you at all.                
 - Oh...!    Then forgive me
it seemed that you were one of my fathers
children.   The man's jaw dropped.  He
I just didn't know that this woman
teacher                              
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The husband found out that his wife was cheating on him. He
hired a hitman and told him:       
 - I want my wife to be killed
shot in the head, and her lover
shoot off the dick. I'll give you a thousand for it.       
 We agreed on a date and time. Husband
leftto another city and waited there
call from an assassin.   Finally in
set time he grabbed the phone
handset:                                   
 - Everything is fine. It turned out to be easier than
I thought you were charged five hundred and we’re even:
it only took one shot.           
                                          
 ***                  
                                          
 - Listen, and your wife closes her eyes,
when do you cum?                        
 - Always - she cannot see when
I feel good.                               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Three young women return from
vacation.    Conversation in the compartment.    One
says:  - I literally did it on the first day
I met a metallurgist. Well
he gave the heat - all twenty-four days
did continuous pouring with me
steel.                                    
 - And I met the secretary
District Committee of the CPSU.  Well, on the very first night we
they lay down with him, and for the remaining twenty-three days he
He begged me not to tell anyone about this.
    - Oh, girls, I met
research assistant... He immediately took up
to work: I cooked for twenty-three days
experiment, which is on the twenty-fourth
the day did not take place due to technical reasons.
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The missionary lived in
African tribe without any
complications with the natives. One day to him
the leader came:                            
 - Yesterday my twelfth wife gave birth
white child. You are the only one among us
white, it means you defiled my wife.
Death awaits you for this!  - Great leader! Look, in the clearing
There was one black one among the herd of white goats. A
after all, you are all black, but that’s not
means that...                           
 - Okay, okay, I'm not telling anyone about you
I’ll say it, but you’re also silent!                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The elephant saw naked for the first time in the jungle
aborigine and thought:                      
 - How does he get food for himself?
                                          
  ***                   
                                        
 Night park in the city. There is a guard and
suddenly hears a whisper in the bushes:              
 - Vanya, take off your glasses, you're giving me stockings
you'll tear it up!                                  
 The guard listened and after a minute
hears:                                   
 - Vanya, you better wear glasses, you
lick the bench...                       
                                        
***                   
                                        
 Old man with young mistress:          
 - Oh, Vitochka, I love you like
my own daughter!                              
 She:                                  
 - However, your methods are strange
education!                               
                                        
 ***                   
                                        
 - Petenka, we only know each other
hours, and you are already aiming at my heart! - No,
dear, just half a meter lower..        
                                        
 ***                   
                                        
 Bgirl in a candy store
says to the saleswoman:                       
 - Please give me some chocolate
figurine for three rubles.                     
 - Do you want a boy or a girl?          
 - Of course, boy, there's chocolate
more!                                   
                                        
 ***                   
                                        
American tourists for Easter
placed in a picturesque village. Mistress
sets the table.                        
 - Where is the owner?  - are interested
foreigners.                               
 - Yes, he colors eggs, - answers the hostess   
 - Oh!   Russian hip!   - are amazed
foreigners - how does he do it?        
 - Oh, it’s very simple, - the hostess answers,
into a saucepan withthrows boiling water
onion peels, and then there for a few
minutes lowers the eggs.                      
 - Oh!   Russian yogi!   - they exclaim
affected foreigners.                    
                                        
 ***                   
                                        
 Foreign correspondent,
inspecting a Soviet factory in
accompanied by the secretary of the party committee, takes
interview with a nearby worker.      
 - How much do you get?               
 - One hundred and twenty rubles... - answers
worker and stops short, noticing the terrible
secretary's eyes... a week! - adds
he.                                       
 - What kind of apartment do you have?             
 - I have one room..., - says
working, -... windows to the south, one window to
east and one facing west!   - What is your hobby?                
 - 30 centimeters, - the worker blurts out and
sees how the secretary grabbed his head! 
    - In diameter!    - quickly
he is correcting himself.                          
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 Vovochka hears mom and dad in
the beds are dripping. And says:            
 - Mom, give me some dumplings.                 
 - Where am I, son, in the middle of the night
Shall I take dumplings?                          
 - Yes, and you can dance like sour cream
breeze...                                
                                        
 ***                  
  Two men meet.   One of
city, the other from the village.                
 A city man asks:                
 - How do you insert your penis?           
 - How? How? Usually. With your hands.      
 - And in our culture - with a fork!         
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 A man in a bar looks at the ice in
cocktail:                                
 - Look, what an interesting shape -
ice cube with a hole.                         
 His neighbor looks at him with disgust
glass:                                   
 - What’s interesting here - I’ve already
Married to someone like this for twenty-five years!         
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 Vanka and Manka at the convention.           
 - Manka, do you want me to show Keldysh?       
 - Are you crazy, show me at home!
                                          
 ***                  
                                        
The Queen of England awards
disabled soldiers who distinguished themselves in
Falkland Islands. Buckingham Palace,
solemn ceremony.                  
 - Admiral, what reward do you want for
your feat?                              
 - Villa in Hawaii, Your Majesty.
There I can easily live out my life even without a leg.
    - And you, Colonel?                    
 - Lincoln car, yours
Majesty.  Although Iwithout a hand, but mine
the driver will take me to any part of the world.   
 - And you, boatswain, what do you want?           
 - I'd like a stack of one-penny coins
from my balls to the head of my penis, my
queen.                                 
 The Queen was surprised, but her upbringing was not
allowed her to show it.  Having ordered
To fulfill the wishes of the heroes, she left.
A day later the treasurer comes running to her:      
 - Your Majesty, we cannot
fulfill your command - the treasury will not
enough money.                            
 - What's the matter?                         
 - It's all about the boatswain: he has balls
ended up with them, and the head was torn off
battlefield!                                 
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 There are only people in line at the clinicmen.  The tail is getting young
girl. They looked at her askance, but nothing
they didn't say.   When she got to
window, the doctor asks in surprise:      
 - Are you also ready to donate sperm? She nods
without opening his mouth: Mmm!                     
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 The master shouts to the whole estate:          
 - Ivan! Iva-a-a-an! Ivan comes running:   
 - What do you want, master? - I want to fuck!
Ivan pulls off his trousers and with a sigh
says:                                  
 - It's time for you to get married, master...       
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
Organization of leisure time in military units:
A striptease is performed in front of the soldiers.
Deafening applause after each
fallen thing. Woman pulls off the last one
flap. Dead silence.                   
 - Don’t you like me?             
 - Pussy, - one soldier puffs, alone
It's awkward to clap your hand.                   
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 A woman says to her friend:              
 - I never claimed that
your husband has a wart on his penis.  I
She said that it was only by touch.         
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 "Of course I love you just the same
passionately,as before, but by chance
do not shake the ash from a cigarette onto the bed,
I have to move as slowly as possible." 
                                          
 ***                  
                                        
 Little Ellen is bathing with her
brother in the bath.                         
 - Mom, why don’t I have one like this?
things between your legs?                         
 - Patience, my daughter, patience...    
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 A fifteen-year-old breaker tells his
girlfriend:                                
 - Since we were not allowed to attend this
film under the pretext that it is "for children
sixteen", then let's go home.   
 - And in general there was nothing to get out of
bed,” the friend answered dissatisfied.  
                                          
 ***                  
                                        
 2069.  Reporter interviews
centennial hippie jubilee.                 
 - Do you have any problems?
    - None now, since
my son Luber was placed in a home for
elderly!                              
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
The Frenchman is asked whether there are
unsellable women:                      
 The Frenchman answers: “There are, but they
are expensive."                            
  ***                  
                                        
 The French: "We know a hundred ways
love."                                   
 The British: “And we know a hundred and one ways
love."                                   
 The French: “It can’t be, because we
the most experienced, the most skilled in love. What
Is this the one hundred and first way?               
 English: "When she lies on her back,
and he’s lying on top of her.”                
 The French: "Oh, yes! We haven't yet
figured it out."                              
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 - Congratulations, neighbor. I heard you
got married.                                 
-Can you even hear it? Well
soundproofing.                            
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 Three alcoholics argued about who has more
hands are shaking.                              
 The first one says:                       
 - When I pour from a bottle into a glass,
so only 100 grams gets into the glass,
everything else is bypassed.                       
 The second one says:                       
 - When I pour from a bottle into a glass,
So only 50 grams gets into the glass.    
 The third one says:                       
 - And when I pee, I do it three times
I'm cumming.                                   
  ***                  
                                        
 Khazanov decided to get married.               
 - Well, Genochka, - says mom, - you have
we are the most popular, which means you have a wife
you need the most popular one. And the most popular
We have Alla Borisovna now, go to her
woo.                                
 Genochka went to Allochka.              
 - Allochka, I want to marry you.     
 - Of course, I like you Genochka,
but I still need a dacha on the banks of the Black River
seas.                                     
 Genochka cried and went back
home. He comes and bursts into tears.      
 Mom asks:                      
 - Genochka, why are you crying?           
 - Allochka wants a dacha on the banks of the Black River
seas.                                     
 - Don’t cry, Genochka, go tell her that
We'll buy her a dacha.                         
 Genochka was delighted.   Resorts to
Allochka and says:                       
 - Mom said that we will buy you    
dacha.                                 
 - Of course I like you Genochka, -
Allochka says, “but I need another car.”
"Seagull".                                  
 Genochka began to cry.  Comes home and
says:                                  
 - Mom, she also wants a Chaika car. 
    - Don’t cry Genochka, go tell her that
we'll buy her a car.                       
 Genochka was delighted.    Ran to
Hello. And Allochka says:            
 - And I, Genochka, still need it to be
25 centimeters.                           
 Genochka began to cry.  Comes home and
says:  - Allochka said that she needed
was 25 centimeters.                       
 - Oh, - my mother shouted, - so that because of
cut off 5 centimeters from this red cat -
never!                                  
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 At the market, a man sells a mosquito in
jar.   Label on the can: "Substitute
men. 25 rubles."                          
 Woman:                              
 - How to use it?              
 - Undress at home, lie down and let him out
from a jar. If anything goes wrong, call me here
telephone.                                  
 In the evening a woman calls:               
 - She came, undressed, lay down, let her out,
and he sat on the wall and didn’t move...      
 - So... lie down! I'm leaving! A man has arrived
took his clothes off and said to the mosquito:       
 - Look, stupid, last time
I'm showing!                                
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 Guard:                            
 - Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a fine: in
Swimming is prohibited in this lake!            
 Girl:                              
 - But why didn’t you tell me this before
the way I undressed?                    
 - Well, there’s no need to undress here
prohibited, ma'am...                        
                                        
 ***                  
                                       
 There is a chicken lying on the road. A tractor is driving.
The tractor ran over the chicken.  The chicken got up
shook herself:                            
 - What a man!                    
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 On the bus.                           
 - Comrade! Be careful, eggs!           
 - Comrade! I repeat to you, eggs!   
 - Ah-ah...                           
 - I told you, - be careful eggs,
I have nails in my bag.                    
                                        
 ***                  
 The Queen, having heard that Churchill
claims that any woman can be
buy and sell, invited him to her place.  
 “Is it true, Winston,” she asked,
as if you are saying that any woman
can you buy and sell?                   
 “Yes, my queen,” Churchill answered.
    - And me, the Queen of England?        
 - Yes, my queen.                   
 - I wonder how much you got me for
would you sell it?                               
 - For a hundred thousand pounds, my
queen.                                 
 - Like me, the Queen of England,
for just one hundred thousand pounds sterling?!    
 - You see, my queen, you have already
bargain!                               
                                        
 ***                  
                                       
 She remained faithful to one. To others
gave away innocence.                      
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 Two friends meet. One to another
says:                                  
 - Do you hear, I have two in my car
ladies.    Let's go somewhere
Let's rest.                                 
 - What do they look like?                 
 - There are no bad women, there are few
vodka.                                    
 - Well, okay, just in case I
I'll take a look anyway.                        
 Says hello, looks, then closes
door and says to a friend:                   
 - Sorry, but so much vodkaI won't drink.
                                          
 ***                  
                                        
 To a lady sunbathing alone on the beach,
a man rolls up:                   
 - Sorry, but you are somehow strange
relax! Alone all the time... Come to me
to the room!  Let's have fun, drink, eat,
again we can make love...       
 - Who do you work for? - the lady interrupts.
    - Turner! - Well, imagine: whole
you haven’t left your machine for a year,
we arrived to the south, and here all over the beach:
machines, machines, machines...                
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 Between friends.                      
 - You know, yesterday I cheated on my
to my husband.                                     
 - For love or for convenience?            
 - Of course, for love. Is it a hundred now?
money!                                   
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
The Glorious Knight Roland goes to
long trip. Already sitting in the saddle, he calls
his faithful friend, hands him the key to
his young wife's chastity belt and
says:                                  
 - Dear friend, I will be absent
several years, all this time you must
to protect the honor of my wife, and always
keep this key with you!               
 The buglers and the glorious knight sounded
went on a campaign.  But he didn't get far
drive away from the city gates, what's his name
caught up with a faithful friend on a lathered horse. Already
from afar he shouted:                    
 - What happiness,that I managed to get you
catch up!                                  
 - What happened?  - worried
knight                                   
 - You gave me the wrong key!        
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 - Girl, girl, you have breasts
is there?                                     
 - Yes.                               
 - Why don’t you wear them?           
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 A man caught a goldfish.           
 Fish:  - Let me go, I am your every desire
I'll do it!                                  
 - Okay, make me drink vodka
peed.                                  
 - Have it your way.                     
 I came to the man's house and urinated in
glass, sniffed - vodka, drank - vodka.
I was happy and drank another glass.         
 A friend comes to see him.             
 - What are you doing?                    
 - I'm drinking.                        
 - Where did you get it?                       
 Well, he told him everything.          
 - So pour me a glass too, -
my friend was delighted.                     
 The man began to pour him a drink, and his hands
trembling, everything pours past the glass.            
 - Hey, why are you spilling, let me
better from the throat!                          
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 - Doctor, lately I have been very
weakened sexually.                
 - How often do you make love? 
    - Once a week with my wife, three times a week
a week with his mistress, and every day with
mothers-in-law                                    
 - Well, dear, what do you want,
Of course, this is all from all this.          
 - Phew, thank God, but I was thinking from
masturbation.                                 
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 The husband is packing his suitcase.                 
 - Where are you going? -asks the wife.         
 - I'll go to Ivanovo to earn money. There
Women give fifty for one night with a man.
    Wife:                                
 - Well then, I’ll go with you too.      
 - Why are you there?                  
 - I'll see how you do for two hundred a month
you will live.                                
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 - Petka, what are you doing there?         
 - I'm pulling the antenna, Vasily Ivanovich   
 - Well, the names go.                   
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 On the way to grandma Little Red Riding Hood
I was very tired and decided to rest. Lay down
and fell asleep.                                
 A cow approached her. She felt sorry
girl, and the cow decided to give her something to drink
milk.    She came closer and became
put the udder in Little Red Riding Hood's mouth. A
Little Red Riding Hood half-opened her eyes:
    - Boys, just not all at once.     
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 Two pies are talking.            
 - You like cheesecake.             
 - Like it!                           
 - So let's fuck her!               
 - It’s good for you to say, you have balls, and
I'm with potatoes...                          
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 “Darling,” says the man, “if
If only I knew that you were still a virgin, I would
I wish I could be more careful.                       
 - If I knew you were like this
quick, I'd take off my tights.             
                                        
 ***                  
                                        
 The wife asks her husband:                
 - I heard that you have a new one working
secretary?                               
 - Yes.                                 
 - Well, how is she coping?         
 - Copes.                        
 -Beautiful?                           
 - Cute.                        
 - How does he dress?                    
 - Quickly...                           
                                        
 ***                
                                        
 An elderly man comes to a public
house:                                      
 - I need one so that I can use it
do whatever I want.                     
 - Mark, show the gentleman to room 6.
After some time the client runs out
numbers:                                   
 - Why did you slip me a snotty
girl!                                 
 - Mark, change the doll, it’s already
overcrowded.                              
                                       
                                          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Vasily Ivanovich says:            
 - Petka, I give you a task - to deliver
there are ten girls here, but so that they are all
virgins! Understood?                    
 - Got it!  Wait a week. Via
a week Petka brings ten girls.    
 - Petka, undress everyone, I will
inspect.                              
 - Who did you bring me, Petka! shouts
Vasily Ivanovich - they are all
spoiled.                              
 - It can’t be, I checked it myself.        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
A carpenter was hired through cronyism
gynecologist.    First appointment.   Comes in
female patient undresses.                   
 He: “What a bummer!!!”                  
 She: “Well, don’t express yourself, at least
they said genital slit."                    
 He: “Yes, if I were on the parquet floor
left such gaps, so I would have been killed long ago
the work was kicked out."                          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Georgian relatives have arrived.  Sister
puts his sister to bed with his
six-year-old son Gosha.                  
 Gosha jumps up at night, a knife to his throat and
fucks her. So three nights in a row.          
 Her sister asks her:                
 - Why are you so tired all the time
are you walking?                                   
 She told her everything.               
 - Well, that’s okay, says the sister. She’ll fall asleep.
Let's switch places. And so they did.        
 At night Gosha jumps up, a knife to his throat and
fucks.                                  
 Damn it:                            
 - Gosha, son, what are you doing?             
 - Wow, mommy, I can see it now.          
 - I see for you, let’s finish, vimesh, then in
corner you will stand.                            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Diary of an onanist.                     
 I tried to jerk off with my right hand,
I had a lot of fun.Tried it
jerking off with my left hand - I didn’t like it,
some other feeling.   Married -
much worse than with the left hand.            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A man is selling a rooster at the market. Second
suitable:                                
 - What is the rooster for?                       
 - A hundred rubles?                         
 - Does he even trample chickens?             
 - And chickens, and a wife and mother-in-law and two
tramples his daughters.                           
 - So why are you selling?              
 - Eh.., he started looking sideways at me    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The taxi driver brought the girl to the indicated
place. The girl had nothing to pay with and
she offers to pay in kind.      
 The taxi driver puts it under the car and
fucks.                                  
 A traffic police officer approaches:               
 - What are you doing here?               
 - How, what, we are repairing the car.       
 - Before repairing the car,
you need to put it on the handbrake, otherwise
That's where she's gone.                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A taxi driver is taking a girl. She puts her feet down
to the instrument panel.                       
 - Girl, take your feet off the panel, this
terribleugly.                         
 She looked at him with disgust:          
 - Some men have the honor of these
kiss your feet.                            
 - Well, excuse me, please, but
some girls I have the honor of a dick
suck it, I don’t want it on the hood
dump out.                               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Balkonsky's notes are read by a man in
library.                               
 Balkonsky writes:                    
 - On the first evening we danced for a long time with
Natasha, and I kissed her hand, from which
a shiver ran through my body. The next evening
We also danced for a long time and I kissed her on the
lips, but then she sharply clenched her legs and
crushed my penis.                      
  ***                   
                                          
 The husband finds out that his wife is cheating on him.
One day he comes home and tells his wife,
that he is leaving on a business trip. Himself becomes
on the platform above. The wife leaves the apartment
for her lover, the husband enters the apartment and
hides behind the closet.                         
 They come together, have a drink, have a snack,
he fucked her. She tells him:           
 - Honey, make me laugh so much that I
signed up.                                
The lover started naked around the apartment
run, jump. Either on the bed or on the table
jumps, then onto the closet and suddenly right from
cabinet through the window.                             
 She shouts to him:                       
 - Honey, where are you going, I’ve already finished my sleep!    
 - Look behind the closet, so you
you'll shit yourself!!                                
                                         
 ***                   
                                          
 A black man comes to the USSR.  In our
the embassy asks him:               
 - What do you need to do well?
rest?                                
 He answers:                          
 - A drink, a snack and a girl for the night.
They did everything for him, but no one did for the night.
wants to go to him. We decided to put him in
bed rubber woman.                   
 In the morning they ask:                   
 - Well, how?                             
 Everything is fine, only your girl
some kind of abnormal.    I'm her legs
I spread it, and she moves it, I grab her tits
bit, and she - phew! and through the window.        
                                          
***                   
                                          
 Riding horses Ilya Muromets, Dobrynya
Nikitich and Alyosha Popovich.                  
 Look, Ivan the Fool is over
he's crying like a little humpbacked horse. They ask what
case.                                     
 - Woe is mine, the little humpbacked horse has died.
They drove on.  Look, royal
the palace is standing.                             
 Alyosha says:                      
 - I’ll go to the princess, maybe I’ll be happy
will smile.                                
 She comes in and says: “Be my wife!” 
    And she asks him:                
 - Will you put two sticks?             
 - I'll install it.                           
 - How about three?                              
 - I'll install it.                           
 - How about five?                             
 - I don’t know.                            
 - Get out.  I decided to try my luck
Dobrynushka:                               
 - Be my wife.                    
 She told him:                              
 - Will you put five sticks?               
 - I'll install it.                           
 - What about eight?                           
 - I'll install it.                           
 - How about ten?                           
 - I don’t know.                            
 - Get out.  Comes to the princess
Ilyusha:                                   
 - Be my wife.                    
 - Youwill you throw ten sticks?            
 - I'll give it up.                              
 - And thirteen?                       
 - I'll give it up.                              
 - What about fifteen?                       
 - I don’t know.                            
 - Get out. They left with nothing. They're going
back home.  They look, and Ivanushka is crying. They
they tell him:                              
 - Fool, go to the princess, maybe you
happiness will smile. Fuck him.              
 Comes and says:                   
 - Be my wife.                    
 - Will you put up fifteen sticks?    
 - I'll install it.                           
 - How about twenty?                         
 - I'll install it.  - How about thirty?                         
 - I'll install it!                           
 - What about forty?                            
 - Are you stupid, I have a 39 stick
The little humpbacked horse is dead!                      
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
Paris.    Colleagues meet and
share who spent New Year's Eve and how. 
    - Georgette, where did you meet the New
Year?                                      
 - Oh, as always, in bed...       
 - Yes? And were there a lot of people?            
                                          
 ***                   
  Three girls are traveling in the compartment. One says:
    - I love fucking with athletes.
He ran quickly, fucked him quickly, quickly
ran away.                                   
 Second:                               
 - And I’m with the military.  On the count of times
came, fucked on the count of two, fucked on the count of three
left.                                     
 Third:                               
 - And I love fucking with Indians.
Children of nature. They fuck like animals.        
 Then the train slowed down. Georgians fall from
shelves:                                   
 - Let me introduce myself - master
sport, Major Chingachgook!                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Marya Ivanovna, weaver, advanced workerproduction, became a currency prostitute.
    There was confusion at the factory, they decided to create
comradely court.                         
 Chairman of the trade union committee:               
 - Marya Ivanovna! How so? You are
we have a leader in production, repeatedly
became a drummer of the Communist
Labor, deputy of all convocations,
mentor... How could you become
currency prostitute?!                   
 Marya Ivanovna:                       
 - Well, what can I say? Lucky..   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Indian fathers are sitting and silently lighting a cigarette
Peace pipe.                              
 - Maybe we can talk about something? -
asked one of them.                      
 - Let's talk. What about?                 
 - Well, for example, about politics. Something
Honduras has been bothering me lately.
    - Just scratch it, maybe it will stop.      
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The lieutenant dances with Natasha.            
 - Natasha, you are without panties today!    
 - Oh, lieutenant, how did you guess?    
 - I have dandruff on my feet.            
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The mouse fell into a bottle of vodka.      
 A cat appeared right next to the bottle.     
 - Cat!Get me out of here, she begged.
mouse, - I’ll give myself to you for this.           
 The cat thought and decided to save the mouse. How
As soon as the cat pulled out the mouse, it darted into the hole
and hid.                             
 The cat shouted:                        
 - You promised me!                  
 - You never know what a drunk woman can promise
woman.                                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Petka and Vasily Ivanovich are running away
from the whites on the boat.                        
 Suddenly Vasily Ivanovich’s
paddle                                    
 - Petka, row one! Petka rows
suddenly his oar breaks.            
 - Petka, let's row hu-mi! Rowing.  Vasily Ivanovich:                    
 - The water is cold!!!                  
 Petka:                               
 - And the bottom is rocky.                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A guy comes to get a job
work.     Head of HR Department
asks:                               
 - Why did you quit your previous job?
work?                                   
 - It's a mess there!                         
 - We are also a mess.                  
 - But at least yours is fresher.     
                                          
***                   
                                          
 Young asks old:           
 - What is the best way to seduce a girl? 
    “There are two ways,” says the elder.
    - The first, the fastest - with a club
head and to bed.                       
 - Um... no, this doesn’t suit me.    
 - Well then there is another way, more
slow - we need to take her to the cinema,
theaters, restaurants...                      
 - Well, then?                         
 - And then - with a club to the head and
bed...                               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Bell in Lord Hamilton's mansion. K
The butler answers the phone:  - Sir?                                
 - Dear!  - says the receiver, - be
kind, go into the lady's room and tell her that
I'll be late at the club.                      
 - But the lady has already gone to bed, sir.       
 - Nevertheless, go to her and report,
what I asked for.                             
 In the handset you can hear moving away, and then
the butler's approaching footsteps.           
 - Sir, I reported, but your voice answered
me from behind the door to get out.        
 - Immediately take the gun and shoot
person who is in the bedroom with
my wife!!                              
 Shots and stomping are heard in the handset.      
 - Sir, I did everything as you said,
but the man jumped out the bedroom window and
the garden ran away.                               
 - But there is no garden near our house!      
- So you have the wrong number, sir...  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A drunk man brings his friend to
yourself home.   Everyone is sleeping.  He shows
apartment:                                
 - This is the living room, this is the bedroom,
this is our bed. My wife is sleeping here,
this is next to her - I...                   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A drunk man comes home with
mistress. The wife opens the door.         
 - Shhh!    - he tells her
in a conspiratorial whisper, - say that you
my sister!...                           
  ***                   
                                          
Who is an exemplary husband?            
 The one who, entering the bedroom to his wife and
seeing her with her lover, he will say:           
 - Well, you guys, stop here, and I'll
I'll go make some coffee.                         
Who is an exemplary lover?     
 Anyone who can do this
wish.                                
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Husband returns earlier than usual
home. The wife has a lover.                 
 The wife runs out to meet her husband with
trash can.                          
 - Dear, before you undress, take it out,
trash please.                         
 While the husband takes out the trash, the lover
runs up the stairs to the top floor,
then he safely leaves unnoticed.
She walks and thinks: wow, what a clever girl!     
 Comes to his home.  His wife
meets with a trash can:              
 - Darling, before you undress,
please throw away the trash.               
 My husband takes out the trash and thinks: well, what the
stupid - stay home all day and throw out the trash
no time!                                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The husband unexpectedly returns home.
Lover jumps out onto the balcony, grabs
over the railing, jumps over them, and hands
he doesn’t dare to let go - it’s scary.          
 It hangs for an hour, two.It's getting light.  It turns out
the janitor notices him:                   
 - Hey, what are you doing here?            
 - How, what? Here I am hanging!                
 - Ah, well, hang, hang, just your legs
pick it up, let me sweep it up.                    
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Odessa.  Two houses opposite. In the morning on
Two neighbors look out onto the balconies of their apartments:
    - Listen, Sonya, are you sick? From
The doctor left you at two in the morning!    
 - Ay, Bella, stop saying
it’s disgusting to listen to: if from you every morning
the colonel is leaving, I'm not shouting at the top of my lungs
Deribasovskaya, that the war has begun!        
                                          
 ***                   
  A prostitute hands over money to a Parisian
bank.                                     
 - Madam, - the employee tells her, -
sorry, but this money is fake!          
 - My God, - she shouts, - it’s coming out,
I was raped!                        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Queue to see the gynecologist. A man approaches
and asks who is last.              
 - You see, they tell him, this is
turn to the gynecologist.                     
 - Yes, yes, - he answers, - I know.     
 - But... this is a female doctor.             
 - Tell me, is he the one who puts the spirals? 
    - Yes, he is.                             
 - Well, that means he’s filming.          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Tired husband comes late at night
home.  His wife rushes to him screaming:
"Where have you been?!"                              
 - Honey, you’re so smart, -
says the husband, “come up with something yourself.”  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A young couple comes to a sex therapist.
The husband complains that they recently got married,
but he doesn’t know what to do with his wife.        
 The doctor brings the patient to the couch,
invites her to lie down, undresses and
fulfills the duties of a husband.               
 - Now you understand that you must
what to do with your wife? - the doctor asks the husband.  
 - Of course, doctor! But if you sometimes
You’ll be busy, who should I take her to then? 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
A woman looks into the office
therapist:                               
 - Sorry, doctor, I’m not with you
just forgot your bra?   -
she asks.                           
 - No, not mine.                     
 - Oh, well, that means he’s at the ophthalmologist!          
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A young husband complains to his father about
something that can't initiate sexual intercourse
life with his wife:  - Ne lize, dad...                  
 His father gives him a cup of sour cream and
recommends using it.              
 The next day the son complains again: 
    - That ne lize, dad, and u krinku ne
Lize...                                   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The husband unexpectedly returns home.
The wife hides her lover under the bed. Husband
undresses and goes to bed. Already falling asleep,
He hears someone tossing and turning under the forge.
    - Sharik, is that you? - asks sleepily
the husband puts his hand on the floor.               
 “I am,” says “Sharik” and licks it devotedly
his hand.                                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Wife wakes up her husband at night:               
 - I'm cold!                        
 The husband gets up and brings a second blanket.  
 After a while:               
 - I'm hot!                          
 The husband gets up and opens the window.          
 After some time:           
 - I want a man!                     
 - Well, dear!  Where am I to you at two
1 am will I find a man?                  
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 The wife dreams at night that she is sleeping with
lover and then the husband enters.   She
wakes up and wakes up her husband:                
 - Jump out the window quickly, your husband is coming.     
 The husband jumps out of bed and throws open the
window and jumps. He flies and thinks: “Who
me?"                                       
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two friends are talking:              
 - Can you imagine, I’m something completely
reported: last night in bed
gave his wife three rubles.                       
 - Well, you give it to me! What about her?            
 - And she took it!                        
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A man comes to a publichouse.     
 - Madam, I would like to use
with the services of your girl, but... not really
in the usual way...                       
 - In this case, I suggest you
Lu-Lu, nothing can surprise her.       
 The client and Lu-Lu go up to the room.   
 After a while, Lu-Lu screamed and
runs out of the room with a frightened face:   
 - No, no, monsieur, not this!     
 - What did he want? - asks the owner
brothel                                  
 - Madam, he wanted on credit and for
Soviet rubles!!!