Byvalshchina - SS Von Stirlitz.



   
                                          
Music By Phantom FAMILY         
(c) SISOFT/TRG                  
                                          
         Part 1. SOME FACTS.        
                                          
 1.  Stirlitz woke up in a prison cell.
He didn't remember at all how he got here.
what date is it today and what is it like in the city
power.   After much thought he
finally decided that if a Gestapo man came in,
you will have to say: "Heil Hitler, I -
SS Standartenführer von Stirlitz," and if
A Soviet soldier will come in and introduce himself:
"I am Colonel Isaev."  At this moment
a policeman comes in and says: “Well,
You got drunk yesterday, Comrade Tikhonov."     
                                          
2. - Stirlitz, - Muller said wearily, - you
got away when wefound your
fingers on the suitcase of a Russian pianist. you
screwed up when we found them on the tube
government telephone number.   But
Now you can't escape!  Why your
Does the ID smell like Russian vodka?!!    
 - You know, Muller, - no less tired
Stirlitz answered, - when Schellenberg put
there is a stamp on my ID, he
first breathed on her.            
                                          
3.  Hitler receives in his office
Mussolini.   Suddenly the door swings open
Stirlitz enters, not paying attention to anyone
attention, goes to the safe, opens it
with his key and starts rummaging through it,
throwing unnecessary documents on the floor.     
 - Who is this?  - asks in surprise
Duce.                                     
 - Russian intelligence officer Isaev, -
The Fuhrer answers in an indifferent tone, “We have
Stirlitz is listed.                       
 - So why don't you arrest him?  
 - Oh, anywaywill get away.            
                                          
4.  By the end of the war, Germany's position was
so deplorable that even in the Reich Chancellery
had to stand in line to
to buy sausages.  However, Stirlitz
contrary to all norms of behavior, I always took
without a queue. The Gestapo were very indignant
this.   They did not yet know that Heroes
Soviet Union served outside
queues.                                  
                                          
 5. February 23 Stirlitz put on his old one,
favorite budenovka, picked up a red one
banner and, singing revolutionary songs,
went to the Reich Chancellery. On this day he
never came close to failure.             
                                          
6.  a) Stirlitz received encryption. After reading,
he burned it, then spat on the floor and
blew his nose into the curtain. The encryption was
written: "The task is completed, you can
relax a little."  b) Stirlitz week
didn't show up for work.  Sent to
Gestapo searches found him at the dacha,
drunk to the point of insensibility and lying on
floor among vodka bottles. Nearby
there was a code lying around: “Mission completed
Successful, you can relax."             
                                          
7.  A car drove up to Stirlitz's dacha. From
Muller came out accompanied by a platoon
Gestapo men. He knocked on the door. "Who do you want
do you need it?” they asked from behind the door. "I need
Stirlitz," said Muller.   "And I'm not there
“at home,” Stirlitz answered from behind the door. Muller
cursed, got into the car and drove away.  Yes
Stirlitz has been leading the Gestapo for three weeks now
nose                                      
                                          
8.  Stirlitz entered the cafe  "Elefant" . "This
Stirlitz, now there will be a fight,” said one
from visitors. Stirlitz drank a cup of coffee
and left.   “No,” the second objected.
visitor - this is not Stirlitz."  "No,
Stirlitz!" shouted the first.  And then it began
fight.                                            
9.  Stirlitz was walking through Berlin. Muller found out
not a Soviet intelligence officer, but not according to PPSh,
carelessly thrown over the shoulder, and not according to
parachute, dragging behind, and according to the brand
factory "Bolshevichka", which was forgotten
rip from the inside pocket of the jacket
truly Russian carelessness.           
                                          
10.  Muller calls Stirlitz and says:
"Tomorrow is a communist subbotnik, turnout
required."  Stirlitz answers “Yes” and,
Realizing that he failed, he sits down at the table and,
not noticing Müller's surprised look,
writes: "I, Standartenführer von Stirlitz on
In fact, I am a Soviet intelligence officer."
Muller, having read this report, calls
Schellenberg and says: “Walter, come in,
look what your people come up with,
so as not to go to the subbotnik."            
                                          
                                          
11. Hitler's call to Stalin: "Stalin, your
people didn't take secrets from my safe
documents?" - “I’ll find out.”                   
 Stalin's call to Stirlitz: "Stirlitz, you
took secret secrets from Hitler's safe
documents?" - “That’s right, Comrade Stalin.”
"So put it down, people are worried."  
                                          
12. - What color are my panties? - asked
Muller.                                   
 - Red, - answered without hesitation
Stirlitz.                                  
 - Here you are!  - exclaimed
Muller,                                   
 - No one else knows the color of my panties
only a Russian pianist!                   
 - Don't be a fool, Muller, -
Stirlitz calmly answered, “and fasten
fly                                  
                                          
13. Stirlitz was toldwhat does he have in Russia
a son was born.   Stingy male tear
rolled out of his eye. Stirlitz was not at
Homeland is already seven years old.               
                                          
14. The pastor threw himself out of the window for the fifth time.
The poison had no effect.                         
                                          
15. Stirlitz entered the office and saw 
Muller in Budenovka, sitting on the table and
playing the balalaika.                   
 "Yes, Stirlitz," he said melancholy
Müller, “You’re not the only one who yearns for your homeland.” 
                                          
16. "What is two and two?" - asked 
Muller.                                   
 Stirlitz thought. He, of course, knew
how much is twice two, tell him about it
recently reported from the center, but he did not know
Does Mueller know this? And if he knows, then who?
told him. Maybe Kaltebruner? Then
Negotiations with Dulles have reached a dead end.      
                                          
17. Himmler calls his employee.   
- Name a two-digit number.              
- 45.                                    
- Why not 54?                         
- because 45!                          
Himmler writes the characteristic "character
Nordic" and calls the next one.       
- Name a two-digit number.              
- 28.                                    
- Why not 82?                        
- Of course, 82 is possible, but 28 is better.      
Himmler writes the characteristic "character
close to Nordic" and causes
next.                               
- Name a two-digit number.              
- 33.                                    
- Why not... Oh, it's you, Stirlitz.      
                                          
18. a) - Stirlitz, you are a Jew!               
 - What are you saying, Muller, I'm Russian.       
 b) - Stirlitz, you are a Jew!               
 - What are you saying, Muller, I'm Russian.       
 - And I am German.                  
                                          
19.  "Heil Hitler!"  - said Stirlitz,
entering Mueller's office.                
 - “Stirlitz,” replied irritably  
Müller, - if you don’t give up these
Kinchev's habits, I'll write to Sovetskaya
culture"                               
 20.  "Stirlitz, do you know these boots?" -
Muller asked.                           
 Stirlitz would have recognized these boots from a thousand.
They were made from the skin of Pastor Schlag.   
                                          
21.  Stirlitz was walking through Berlin and saw
The inscription on the wall is “Stirlitz is a fool.” Only him
one realized that he had been awarded the title of Hero
Soviet Union.                         
                                          
22.  April 1945.Defeat of Germany
obviously.  Hitler walks around the Reich Chancellery
and sees the same picture everywhere:
officers drink and don't even pay attention
attention to your Fuhrer. But going into one
from the offices, Hitler discovers
Stirlitz, who sits at the table and
works.  Seeing the head of the Third Reich,
Stirlitz jumps up, raises his hand and
shouts: "Heil Hitler!" In response, the Fuhrer
says wearily: “Maksimych, at least
You weren't teasing."                     
                                          
23.  Muller rushed at breakneck speed
car.  And Stirlitz walked next to him, making
looks like he's walking.                
                                          
24.  "Stirlitz, if you don't pay for
electricity, we will turn off your radio."    
                                          
25. Stirlitz went for mushrooms, but didn’t get anything
found it and stuck his face in the snow.             
                                          
         Part 2. STIRLITZ THINKS.         
                                          
1.  a) Stirlitz doused the cat with gasoline and
set fire  The cat ran ten meters and
fell.                                    
 - “The gas has run out,” I guessed
Stirlitz.                                  
 b) Stirlitz gave the dog gasoline to drink.
The dog walked ten meters and fell.      
 - “The gas has run out,” I guessed
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
2.  Stirlitz walked through the forest and saw people with
with sticks.  “Skiers,” thought Stirlitz.
“Stirlitz,” the fishermen thought.             
                                          
3.  Stirlitz walked along the banks of the Spree and saw
a man sitting with a fishing rod. "How's the bite?"
asked Stirlitz.   “Okay,” replied
man. “Fisherman,” guessed Stirlitz.  
                                          
4.  Muller walked down the street.  Suddenly he
A brick fell on my head.  “Those are the times,” -
thought Muller.  “Those two,” I thought
Stirlitz throwing the second brick.            
                                          
5.  Stirlitz walked along the corridor. "But this is
Stirlitz is coming,” thought Muller. "Yes, it is
“I’m coming,” thought Stirlitz.                
                                          
6.  Stirlitz saw 38 irons on the window and
I realized that the turnout had failed.                
                                          
7.  a) Muller was walking through the forest and heard a knock.
“Woodpecker,” thought Muller. "You yourself are a woodpecker,"
thought Stirlitz, turning off the walkie-talkie.        
 b) Muller was walking through the forest and saw in a hollow
two eyes. “An owl,” thought Müller. "Myself
“You’re an owl,” thought Stirlitz.             
                                          
8.   Stirlitz saw people in the Soviet
military uniform, in camouflage suits and with
automatic machines.   “Scouts,” he guessed
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
9.  a) Stirlitz walked with radio operator Kat along
park.  Someone shot Kat in the head.
“They’re shooting,” thought Stirlitz.            
 b) Stirlitz walked with radio operator Kat along
park.   A shot rang out, Kat fell,
bleeding. Stirlitz became wary.     
                                          
10.  Stirlitz walked along Red Square and
I saw irons. “Irons,” thought Stirlitz.
“Weak skit under the Bundes,” they thought
irons.                                    
                                          
11. Muller walked through the Reich Chancellery and saw
Stirlitz standing in front of Himmler's door.
"Stirlitz, what are you doing here?"  -
"I'm waiting for the tram." After walking a little further, Müller
turned around.   There was no Stirlitz.  "Apparently
waited,” Muller decided.                
                                          
12. On Monday, Stirlitz was taken to
execution.  "Yes, it's hardthe week begins"
thought Stirlitz.                          
                                          
13.   Stirlitz was riding on a tram and saw
Muller, rummaging through the engine of his
cars.  After some time the situation
repeated. On the tenth repetition Stirlitz
I guessed: "circular route."           
                                          
14.   Stirlitz walked through Berlin and saw
prostitutes. “Lack of time,” thought Stirlitz.
                                          
15.  Stirlitz pushed the door.  The door is not
opened.  Stirlitz pushed harder. door
didn't even move. Stirlitz kicked.
With the same success.  Stirlitz ran away and
threw himself at the door with his whole body. The door is not
gave in.    “Closed,” he guessed
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
16.  a) Stirlitz saw an avalanche and
thought: "Poorpastor, he never
learned to whistle."                       
 b) Stirlitz saw an avalanche and
thought: "Poor pastor, he never
learned to ski."               
                                          
 Part 3. PUNS.            
                                          
 Chapter 1. One-move.           
                                          
1.  The Gestapo men parked the car.
“Poor pastor,” thought Stirlitz.       
                                          
2. Stirlitz shot at point-blank range, the point-blank fell.   
                                          
3.  There was a blast from the window. Stirlitz went to the window.
The muzzle disappeared.                             
                                          
4.  The lamp was on, but did not provide any light.
Stirlitz turned off the lamp and Sveta gave away.       
                                          
5. Radio operator Kat got into the car and stepped on the gas.
She didn't know that Gaz worked for the Abwehr.  
                                          
6.  Stirlitz ran in leaps and bounds.  Pitching coming soon
lagged behind.                                  
                                          
7.  Stirlitz knew for sure. But probably not
knew Stirlitz.                            
                                          
8.  Stirlitz put his hand in his pocket.  "This
It’s over, where’s the gun?” - flashed through
his brain. The gun was in another pocket. 
 9.a) Stirlitz opened the safe and pulled out a note
Muller.    Muller shouted loudly and
resisted.                            
b) Stirlitz gave Muller a subscription. Muller
howled in pain.                            
                                          
10.a) Stirlitz fell from the tenth floor and 
miraculously caught on the balcony. The miracle swelled and
made it difficult to walk.                            
b) Stirlitz was attacked by five SS men. Two
they held his hands, two held his legs, one
head. Stirlitz miraculously fought back. Miracle was sick
for three days and it made it difficult to walk.                  
                                          
11.  Stirlitz walked down the street and looked up.
These were Pastor Schlag's blue eyes.     
                                          
12.  Stirlitz shot Muller in the head.
The bullet bounced off.  “Armored,” I thought
Stirlitz.                                 
                                          
13.  The bullet hit Stirlitz in the head.
“Explosive,” - having thought about it,
Stirlitz guessed.                        
                                          
14.  Stirlitz fell from the fourteenth floor.
He hasn’t yet spread his brains so widely
had to.                              
                                          
15. Stirlitz fired from two machine guns at
queues. The queue was noticeably thinning.          
                                          
16.  Stirlitz bent over the map.  His
I vomited uncontrollably to my homeland.               
                                          
17.  Stirlitz crossed his legs.  On
next dayLeg-by-leg visor
Gestapo.                                  
                                          
18.  Stirlitz sat down in the chair.  Raskoryak
started up and drove off.                         
                                          
19. Stirlitz came out of the sea and lay down on the pebbles.
Svetka was offended and left.                  
                                          
20.  Stirlitz had a chill.  Chills served in
Gestapo.                                  
                                          
21.  Stirlitz, Bormann and Hitler play
preference  Stirlitz: "Stalingrad." Hitler:
"What, again?!"                            
                                          
23.  The Gestapo surrounded all the exits, but
Stirlitz left through the entrance.                 
                                          
24.  Stirlitz sent Muller to his ass. On
the next day it hit me in the ass
Gestapo.                                  
                                          
25.  Stirlitz jumped out the window in an instant. "MIG"
roared and disappeared into the clouds.              
                                          
26.  Stirlitz lit the stove. In an hour the stove
drowned.                                  
                                          
27. Stirlitz waddled. He didn't know that
"Razvalka" is closed.                       
                                          
28.  Stirlitz was skipping. In "Jump"
they gave me beer.                              
                                         
29.  Stirlitz walked through the forest and saw blue
ate.   Stirlitz came closer.  Blue
ran away.                              
                                          
30. Having met the Gestapo, Stirlitz grabbed
saber and shouted: “I’ll chop it!” Gestapo men
chipped in a ruble and ran away.             
                                          
31. Stirlitz controlled himself and soon fell asleep. 
                                          
32.  Stirlitz went to bed and, a little
later, fell asleep.                            
                                          
33.  Lead was flying towards Stirlitz.  Stirlitz
turned the corner.  Lead with a grunt
rushed past.                           
 34.  Stirlitz put his hat on one side.
He went home on one side without his hat.           
                                          
35.  The room stank.  Stirlitz entered
room. No one else saw the stink.    
                                          
36.  “Touch it,” Stirlitz said to the driver.
The driver started and Stirlitz drove off.            
                                          
37.  a) Muller revealed Stirlitz’s appearance, but
got hit in the face and didn't take strangers anymore
cigarettes.                                  
b) Stirlitz walked around the city in search of an appearance,
but only “Prima” and “Rhodopi” came across.    
                                          
38.  Stirlitz was talking nonsense.  Nonsense is desperate
screamed.                                           
39.  Stirlitz arrived at the Gestapo tipsy and
placed fun under the office windows
Muller.                                  
               
                                          
                                          
 Chapter 2. two-move.            
                                          
1.  Stirlitz fought with fire.  Ogonyok
fought as hard as he could. And Mog was a professional. 
                                          
2. Stirlitz walked through the forest and ran into a branch.
The bitches ran away screaming.  Screech ran
first.                                   
                                          
3.  a) Stirlitz shot atblind. Blind
fell down as if knocked down. The decimated Stirlitz
shot the day before.                       
b) Stirlitz shot at the blind.  Blind
fell backwards. He squealed and ran away.  
                                          
                                          
 CHAPTER 1                   
                                          
Stirlitz ran skipping - in "Jumping"
Wine and many women were waiting for him.            
                                          
Stirlitz came out - Ruzha was an agent
Polish Defense.                       
                                          
Stirlitz pulled his hat on one side - sideways
got offended and left.                          
                                          
Stirlitz went to the window. Athere was a blast from the window.
Stirlitz closed the window, the barrel disappeared.        
                                          
Stirlitz bent over the world map - his
I was irrepressibly yearning for my homeland.                
                                          
Stirlitz approached the flower shop and
looked up - it was the professor's eyes
Pleischner.                                
                                          
Shtirlitz shot at point-blank range - the point-blank fell
backwards, backwards, he jumped up and ran away,
Utek screamed and fought back.                  
                                          
Stirlitz shot blindly - the blind woman ran and
screamed.                                  
                                          
Stirlitz and Schellenberg fired in turns -
The queue was thinning quickly.                    
 Stirlitz looked around the corner and saw
turn - he quickly fell to the ground and
the queue passed by.                      
                                          
"Stirlitz, how do you feel about women?"  
"I don't care," Stirlitz answered modestly. 
                                          
Stirlitz was shot in the head. "Breaking"
Stirlitz spread his brains.                 
                                          
Stirlitz crossed his legs. On this day
Japanese reident Noga was arrested.       
                                          
Stirlitz was walking down the street and saw three
hefty SS men parked the car on its backside.
“Poor Pastor Schlag,” thought Stirlitz.   
                                          
Stirlitz spent the whole day traveling around the city in
asking for turnout, but cigarettes"Java" were sold
only in Moscow.                          
                                          
                                          
 CHAPTER 2                
                                          
 The eighteenth moment of spring.     
                                          
 Stirlitz came out of the tavern and fell face-first into
the dirt fell asleep. In 15 minutes he will wake up -
a reflex developed over the years will work.    
                                          
 Usually, on February 23, Stirlitz wore
shirt and drinking a bottle of vodka sat down
play the harmonica. However, this time he
went to one of the Berlin stumps and,
having lined up the Gestapo men who were there,
forced to march while singing
revolutionary songs. Only when he came home did he
I realized how close I was to failure this time
day.                                     
  Thirty-nine irons stood on
windowsill.  “The turnout failed,” I realized
Stirlitz. Three irons are missing.          
                                          
 The eighth time Pleischner was thrown out of
windows - the poison still had no effect.              
                                          
 Stirlitz walked through the night forest to meet with
Professor Pleischner.  Heard in the bushes
the hiss of a snake, he took the name from his holster
TT, unloaded the entire clip there. Spreading
branches, he saw a bloody corpse
Pleischner.  “Poor guy,” thought Stilitz, “
He never learned to whistle."           
                                          
 Stirlitz looked into the hollow and saw
glowing eyes.   "Woodpecker" - thought
Stirlitz. “You’re a woodpecker yourself,” thought Borman. 
                                          
 Stirlitz stood on the corner when next to him
a brick fell.  “Those are the times,” I thought
Stirlitz. “Those two,” thought Schellenberg
and threw him off the roofsecond.                 
                                          
 Stirlitz went into the forest to pick mushrooms. Searched
on the left - couldn't find it.  I looked on the right - no
found it.  I looked in front and couldn't find it. "Don't
season,” the scout realized and sat down in a snowdrift.  
                                          
 Stirlitz went to the window and blew his nose
curtain. No, it was not a conditioned signal,
he just wanted to feel himself again
Colonel Isaev.                      
                                          
 Borman went to Stirlitz’s home and saw
there is a mountain of empty bottles, naked dancers
from a nearby cabaret and drunk into the smoke
Stirlitz. On the table there was a note "Task
Done, you can relax. Alex."   
                                          
The Gestapo intercepted the encryption: "Eustace, you
donkey  Alex."  Only Stirlitz could understand
that he was awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet
Union.                                    
                                         
 Stirlitz received an encrypted message: “Congratulations on
the birth of a son." He shed tears of joy
after all, he had not been to his homeland for twenty years.
                                          
 Stirlitz thought.  He liked it and
decided to think again.                   
                                          
 Stirlitz was lying on the floor, disguised
under the cigarette butt.                               
                                          
 Stirlitz and Kat walked down the street. rang out
shot - Kat fell. Stirlitz became wary.
                                          
 CHAPTER 3                  
                                          
            Stirlitz and the Gestapo             
                                          
 Stirlitz's house was surrounded by a company of SS men.
There was a knock on the door. "I'm not hereat home" replied
Stirlitz.  They left. It's already the third month
talented scout led by the nose
Imperial Security Service.            
                                          
 Stirlitz, are you a Jew? - asked Muller.    
 No, Russian. - Stirlitz answered.        
                                          
 Stirlitz, where did you learn so well
shoot?  - asked Muller.  IN DOSAAF -
Stirlitz quickly answered and thought about it
did he say too much?                   
                                          
 A meeting is underway at Hitler's headquarters. Suddenly in
Stirlitz enters the office, breaks into the safe,
takes all the documents and leaves. Several
For minutes everyone sits in stupor.             
 - Who was it?  - finally asks
Hitler.                                   
 - Russian intelligence officer Isaev, - answers
Muller.                                   
 - Why haven't you got it yet?
arrested?                               
 - No matter how many times we tried, it still works
gets out.                            
                                          
 Muller calls Stirlitz.               
 - Stirlitz, where were you in 1938?     
 - The boss is with you, in Spain.                
 - And in 1928?                        
 - With you on the CER...                   
 - And in 1918?                        
 - Vasily Ivanovich?                     
 - Exactly, Petka!                       
                                          
 Driving along the highway, Stirlitz saw
voting Mueller. "I can't give you a ride
fascist executioner who killed millions
Soviet people" -Stirlitz thought and
passed by.   Seeing Mueller through
for a while again, he thought: "No
can I give a lift to a double-dealer who leads
double play" - and drove by. Seeing
voting Mueller for the third time, he
I thought - “Ring Road”.                    
                                          
 ... returning home, Stirlitz took out
from the safe an accordion and a bottle of vodka. After drinking
hundred grams he played for half an hour
accordion, after which he put everything in place and
went to bed.   One day, when he came home,
Finding that the safe was empty, I called
Muller.                                  
 - Is that you, Stirlitz?                       
 - Yes,...                               
 - About the accordion and vodka?           
 - Yes, you guessed it right.                       
 - You won't see them anymore.              
 - Why?                               
 - You are not the only one who misses your homeland...      
                                          
 Muller is sitting at home.  There's a knock on the door. On
standing on the threshold is a man in a hare's cap with
a red star and a walkie-talkie behind his back.       
 - Camels are going east, - said
man.                                    
 - Camels go to hell, and your colonel
Isaev lives in a neighboring house.              
                                          
Passing the corridors of the Gestapo, Stirlitz
noticed the stares
SS men and realized that he had been exposed.
The only thing he couldn't understand was that
nevertheless, it was either the Hero’s star that gave him away
Soviet Union, or a PPSh assault rifle,
hanging on his neck, or dragging
behind the back there are long lines of a parachute...      
                                          
                                          
 CHAPTER 4                  
                                         
             Voiceover              
                                          
 - Stirlitz, what is two and two? -
Muller asked. Voice-over: "Stirlitz
knew how much two and two would be, but he didn’t
could answer this question because I didn’t
knew what the center thought about this
...                                       
                                          
 - Stirlitz, do you know these boots? -
Muller asked. Voice-over: "Stirlitz
these boots were familiar, because boots
were made from the skin of Pastor Schlag..."   
                                          
 Queue for special rations in the bunker. They're standing
generals. Stirlitz enters, squeezes through and
receives rations without a queue.  Upvote
frame: "They didn't know that Heroes
The Soviet Union is served without
queues".                                
                                          
                                          
 CHAPTER 5                  
                                          
 Stirlitz wakes up in the morning and cannot
understand where he is. "If I'm in Germany, then I
Standartenführer Stirlitz, if in the USSR,
then - Colonel Isaev." Suddenly it is heard
voice: “Well, you got drunk yesterday,
Comrade Tikhonov."                         
                                          
 Stirlitz shot at Muller, but the bullet
ricocheted.   "Armored" - guessed it
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
           Jokes about Stirlitz          
                                          
 1. Stirlitz was walking through a dense forest and suddenly
he saw that they were looking at him from the hollow
eyes.                                    
 - Woodpecker - thought Stirlitz.  - You yourself are a woodpecker - thought Muller.        
                                          
 2.  Stirlitz caught the dog.  Got her drunk
gasoline and let him go. The dog ran 50
meters and fell.                           
 - Probably ran out of gas - I thought
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
 3.  Stirlitz bent over the map of the USSR.
He felt an indomitable urge to return to his homeland.           
                                          
 4. Stirlitz was walking along the streets of Berlin and suddenly
looked up.  Those were the professor's eyes
Pleischner.                                
                                          
 5.  Stirlitz got up early. Early in the morning
was a Romanian intelligence officer.               
                                          
 6. Stirlitz lay down on the pebbles.  Pebbles
screamed and ran away.                     
                                          
 7.  There was a blast from the window. Stirlitz closed the window -
the muzzle disappeared.                             
                                          
 8.  Stirlitz entered the room.  Burnt
a candle, but it gave no light. Stirlitz extinguished
Sveta immediately gave me a candle.                 
                                          
 9.  Stirlitz shot at point-blank range. The emphasis has fallen
supine  The assailant jumped up and ran away.
Utek began to defend himself.                     
                                          
 10. Stirlitz was jumping, where he
Müller and Bormann were waiting.                    
                                         
 11. Stirlitz shot Muller in the head.
The bullet ricocheted and hit the wall. -
Armored - thought Stirlitz.               
                                          
 12. Müller received a denunciation against Stirlitz. B
it said: "On the night of May 1st
Stirlitz left Berlin for the countryside. There in
forest, in a remote clearing, he drank a bottle
vodka.  I made a fire and took out the balalaika.
Then he began to dance in the
sit down and sing ditties. After midnight
he returned to his apartment, locked
bottle and balalaika in the safe and went to bed."
The next day Stirlitz opens the safe -
and there instead of a balalaika and a bottle lies
note: “Stirlitz, have a conscience - don’t
You're the only one suffering from nostalgia."           
                                          
 13. Stirlitz walked through the streets of Berlin. On
corner he saw brightly painted women.   
 - B... - thought Stirlitz,              
 - Stirlitz - you thought...              
                                          
 14. At midnight they drove up to Stirlitz's house
two cars with SS officers. Two came up
to the door and knocked.  The rest cordoned off
back door and windows.                        
 - Stirlitz, open up! -                  
 Stirlitz walked up to the door and said quietly:
  - No one is home. -                   
 - Who's talking? -                      
 - Berlin Radio speaking. Berlin
time 15 o'clock. The SS men got into their cars and
left.                                   
 Voice-over:                       
 - This is how an experienced Soviet intelligence officer
fooled the SS officers by the nose.              
                                          
 15. From the window of his office Stirlitz
I saw a group of people going downwith
snowy mountain using wooden runners
and sticks.                                  
 - Skiers - Stirlitz realized.            
 16. Müller,
Bormann, Himler and other employees.
Having pushed everyone to the buffet counter, he approaches
Stirlitz.  Takes lunch and sits down at the end
table    Queue with a stunning view
follows him with her gaze.                   
                                          
 17. Stirlitz went to the safe and opened it
and with difficulty pulled out Mueller's note. Muller
swore loudly and waved his arms.          
                                          
 18. Stirlitz received another radiogram
and now standing up he read the code.  Included
Muller.                                   
 - Oh, Stirlitz, let me read it too.    
 He unfolds the piece of paper and sees
line. "Stirlitz, you are a goat."           
 Muller did not know that the center had reportedthat Stirlitz was awarded the title of Hero
Soviet Union.                         
                                          
 19. Stirlitz shot blindly. Blind
fell.                                    
                                          
 20. Stirlitz was walking down the street and suddenly he
a brick fell.                      
 - Those are the times - thought Stirlitz.         
 - Here are those two - Muller thought and threw
second.                                   
                                          
 21. Stirlitz fell from a window on the 12th floor and
only by miracle did he manage to cling to
cornice of the 9th floor. The next day a miracle
swollen and very painful.                 
                                          
 22. Stirlitz knew for sure.  Surelyalso knew Stirlitz.                       
                                          
 23.  Stirlitz was hit in the head by a bullet.
“Explosive!” - he thought with his brain wide open
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
 24. Stirlitz wakes up in the morning, tied up
on arms and legs, and begins feverishly
remember what happened to him. After
After much thought, he decides: “If in the camera
people in black will come in - that means I’m in
Gestapo and I Stirlitz. If people enter
green - that means I’m in the NKVD and I
Isaev."  Two men in gray enter, raise and
they drag him along the corridors.   Related
kicks and screams: “Why?!” - Yesterday you
reception got drunk like a pig and committed
pogrom  And also People's Artist, citizen
Tikhonov!                                  
                                          
 25.  Stirlitz entered the restaurant and
I tried to take off my jacket.  Frau Kitel is not
filmed.                                            
 26. Stirlitz shot and hit the top ten.
  - Where did you learn to shoot like that?  -
Muller asked.                           
 - TO OSOAVIAKHIM!  - Stirlitz answered and
I thought I could answer without giving myself away
only an experienced scout.                 
                                          
 27. Stirlitz sat upright. Raskoryachka
it started up immediately and drove off.                 
                                          
 28. From the window Stirlitz saw soldiers
parked the car.                   
 - Poor pastor - thought Stirlitz.      
                                          
 29. Stirlitz crossed the border unnoticed.
He learned about this from the morning newspapers.       
                                          
 30. In the forest, Stirlitz ran into a branch.    
 - Should you go home, girls! - said
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
 31.  Stirlitz farted quietly.   Quiet
got offended and ran away.                      
                                          
 32.  Stirlitz walked with his wife down the street.
A shot rang out.  The wife fell.  Stirlitz
I became wary.                             
                                          
 33.  Stirlitz certainly beat.  Surely
fought back as best he could, but he could have been strong
guy.                                   
                                          
 34. Professor Pleischner jumped for the third time
fromwindows on the sixth floor, but for some reason the poison did not
acted.                               
                                          
 35. Stirlitz entered the dining room. Ordered
buckwheat porridge and coffee.  Clean forks and
there were no spoons.  I had to eat with my hands. For
for a long time Stirlitz first felt
himself as a Soviet officer.                  
                                          
 36. Stirlitz gave a subscription to Borman. Borman
bent.                                 
                                          
 37. Stirlitz has not been on air for a week
connection.  The center decided to send to
him a liaison - radio operator Kat.  She
arrives in Berlin, enters the apartment
Stirlitz.  Stirlitz is lying on the floor in a board
drunk.   Nearby lies the encryption: "Now
you can relax a little. Eustace."      
                                          
 38. Muller calledto your office
Stirlitz sarcastically asks him:        
 - Stirlitz, what color are my panties?   
 - Red.                             
 - Here you are!  - joyfully
exclaims Müller. - They only knew about it
me and the Russian radio operator Kat.                 
 - Stop being sarcastic, Muller, and
zip up your fly.                       
                                          
 39.  At a banquet with Goebbels Stirlitz
gets up from the table, goes to the window and
blows his nose loudly into the curtain. Runs up
infuriated Muller: - Stirlitz, aren’t you
Do you know the rules of good manners?  Stirlitz
reluctantly turns and looks at him
sad look.  Voiceover: -
Stirlitz knew the rules of good manners, he just
he suddenly wanted to be a major
Isaev.                                  
                                          
 40. Stirlitz went into the forest to pick mushrooms. He
passeda little forward - there were no mushrooms.
I came back and there were no mushrooms again.    
 - Yes, it’s obviously not the season. - thought Stirlitz
and sat down in a snowdrift.                           
                                          
 41. Stirlitz ran in leaps and bounds, then made
jerk and turned the corner. The pitching men ran
by.                                     
                                          
 42. - Partisans!  - he shouted in a hurry
Stirlitz.   The next day in a hurry
a company of punitive forces arrived.                 
                                          
 43. Stirlitz heated a potbelly stove. On the next
day a notice appeared in the newspapers about
brutal murder of a Gestapo employee.     
                                          
 44. Stirlitz was talking nonsense. Nonsense screamed and
fought back.                                           
 45.  Professor Pleischner jumped out of
window when I realized that the turnout had failed.
Never before has the old scientist been so widely
I didn’t waste my time.                    
                                          
 46. Stirlitz went out into the clearing and saw
blue spruce. Looking closer, he realized that
the blue ones not only ate, but also drank.         
                                          
 47.  Stirlitz is driving along the road
car.  Muller stands on the sidelines -
votes.                                 
 - Fuck you! - thought Stirlitz, gave in
gas and drove past. After a while
Stirlitz again sees Mueller voting.  
 - Fuck you! - thought Stirlitz, gave in
gas and drove past. After a while
Stirlitz again sees Mueller voting.  
 - Fuck you! - thoughtStirlitz, gave in
gas and drove past.                      
 - He's kidding! - thought Muller.         
 - Ring! - Stirlitz guessed.       
                                          
 48. Stirlitz wanted to hang a curtain, but
it wasn't easy to do - Curtain
resisted and hit him on the head
dumbbells                                 
                                          
 49. Stirlitz walked through the spring forest, on
buds hung on the trees.                    
 - Gestapo tricks again. - he thought. 
                                          
 50.  Stirlitz had to be transported
Pastor Schlag abroad to Switzerland. This
He planned to carry out the operation in the mountains. B
sports store where Stirlitz went,
there were only size 38 ski boots
and he had to buy them. On the next
day, parting words with the pastor, Stirlitz asked:
Pastor, what size shoes?do you wear? -
45th.   Watching the pastor struggle
climbs up a snowy slope, Stirlitz
thought: “But he doesn’t know how to do it at all.”
go skiing!                          
                                          
 51.  Schellenberg is strictly suspicious
asked Stirlitz:                       
 - Stirlitz, are you a Jew?!                   
 - I'm Russian!  - cried indignantly
Stirlitz.                                  
                                          
 52.  Stirlitz was very tired after a long
working day. Therefore, upon arriving home, immediately
went to bed, but he couldn’t sleep. A little
later, he fell asleep.                        
                                          
 53.  Stirlitz got into a taxi and said
to the driver:                                
 - Touch it!  The driver touched it, Stirlitz liked it.     
                                          
 54. Stirlitz received encryption from the center:
“You have a son, congratulations!” Stingy
a man's tear ran down his cheek
intelligence officer, because he hasn’t been for twenty years
at home.                                     
                                          
 55. Stirlitz in Budenovka, in trousers with
stripes, with a saber drawn, walked along
corridors of RSHA control, dragging behind them
wooden holster with Mauser. He never
I have never been so close to failure.          
 54. Stirlitz received encryption from the center:
“You have a son, congratulations!” Stingy
a man's tear ran down his cheek
intelligence officer, because he hasn’t been for twenty years
at home.                                     
                                          
 55. Stirlitz in Budenovka, in trousers with
stripes, with a saber drawn, walked alongcorridors of RSHA control, dragging behind them
wooden holster with Mauser. He never
I have never been so close to failure.          
                                          
 56. Stirlitz walked up to the door and quietly
opened it. The light came on. He closed the door -
the light went out.                               
 Stirlitz opened the door again - the light came on again
lit up. He closed the door and the light went out.       
 Stirlitz opened the door for the third time - light
lit up. He closed the door and the light went out.       
 - Refrigerator! - Stirlitz guessed.     
                                          
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