A word in defense of the lamer - Mastering the Internet, we have learned to distinguish between a user and a provider.

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║  A word in defense of the lamer.     ║
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  Mastering the Internet, we have learned to distinguish between a user (just
user) and provider (a company that provides for money
access to the Network), and only occasionally confuse the hacker (quite peaceful
a creature that loves to “squeeze” the maximum possible out of its “pussy”
ties) and cracker (pirate and burglar).  But there is a category
users, not amenable to definition. These are lamers. Appeared
The camera is located near the system administrator (system administrator) or si-
Sopa (BBS system operator) makes the latter nervous
trembling, convulsions and coma. This hatred is akin to unfounded non-
hatred of cockroaches. The beast is good: it doesn’t bite, it doesn’t buzz
ear, does not drink blood, eats little. But for some reason we don’t like containers
kanov. So the lamer is not aggressive, it does not hack programs, it is virus-
he doesn't invent. True, it brings you to white heat, endlessly
asking stupid questions by phone and e-mail, well that’s not
it hurts. But for some reason computer scientists really don’t like lamers. Lamer
surfs the Internet, has silly fun, talks a lot, wants a lot,
but he knows little and does not like to study. He doesn't know where it comes from
no one. There are several versions on this matter.Biblical version

 In the beginning there was Lamer. Lamer gave birth to User. The user gave birth to a Hacker and a bra-
and his Kracker. The hacker gave birth to Sysop. Sysop grew up and became Sysadmi-
nom.  The system administrator gave birth to the Provider. And I saw the Internet Provider, and
said it was good. Then the Provider saw Lamer and said,
that this is bad. Lamer, the original source and root cause of all troubles
Sysop, Sysadmin, Provider and the Internet as a whole, became the following
give the commandment: “be fruitful and multiply.” And the lama multiplied -
there is an enormous amount of space on the Internet.

 Darwinian version

 Modern scientists have come to the conclusion that different people originated
from monkeys of different breeds. For example, the Lamer tribe came from
fold-eared macaques. Like their ancestors, the Lamers kept great
flock, respected tribal relations. Were collecting
tourism, hunting and fishing. But it didn't work out well for them.
Therefore, the lamers had to raid their neighboring users.
They believed in a Higher Power called Sysadmin, and many gods.
persons of lower rank - Sisopov. Lamers also believed in “paradise” (“ru-
Lez") - when in the afterlife the lamer meets a dual-processor -
new Pentium Pro with 2 GB memory, free dedicated channel 2
Mb/sec or at least connection 33600, 21" monitor and dad-provider),
and "hell" (or"Mazday"), where a terrible punishment awaits the lamer in the form
286 without a coprocessor, 2400 modem without parity and
20 megabytes in an email from an angry system administrator who...
the other “hasn’t been paid for six months.” The closest neighbors of lamers, users
ry evolved faster. And while users have already learned
tried to get their food with the help of domesticated animals like
"mouse", the lamers used the latter to knock down nuts from
palm trees  Therefore, the lamers were terribly jealous of the users. Advanced
his fellow tribesmen were driven out of the herd in disgrace, shouting after him “yu-
zer-moderator!”, or they simply ate it. However, it is precisely thanks to
by chance coincidences, the lamers invented pal-
ka-digger and joystick-thresher, log-drag and wheel, but to
Unfortunately, history has not preserved the names of these lamers. And since in
Most lamers preferred physical strength to mental strength.
whether, spending energy not on thinking, but on breaking through walls and
typing text in a binary system, then in the end the limbs of the lame
the moats became tenacious and fast, while the brains mutated and atrophied
foxed

 Historical version

 Postulate one: the lamer knows very little. Postulate two: la-
Mer is sure that he knows a lot. Postulate three: to interpret
For the lamer, fidelity to the first postulate is impossible. Postulate four-
ty: ifThe lamer came to terms with the postulate first, he is no longer a lamer.
The last postulate: all discoveries of the lamer occur due to misunderstandings -
Menu.  Example: in the era of great historical discoveries, one lamer
decided that he could open a new route to India. He didn't bother
thoroughly study nautical and navigational charts. Smart people
he was persuaded not to do anything stupid. A lamer would not be a lamer,
If only I had listened to smart people. He equipped four ships and
went across the ocean.  Along the way, people died and ships sank. B
As a result, the lamer, half dead from fever, saw the ground and confidently
called it India. Lamer, naturally, was mistaken. So Columbus was
America is open.

 Biological version

 Common lamer (lamerus vulgaris - lat.) - warm-blooded
animal of the user family. Body type: dochlomorphic. Ob-
Brain removal: no brain found. Presence of a tail: from-
is present. Presence of horns: probable. Limbs - 4 pieces, right
the front one ends with a strange two- or three-button appendage-ma-
nipulator.  Hair: unstable. Below the back - callus -
that education.  Paradigm: sluggish. Falls into suspended animation at the word
"Unix".  At the words “tisipiaipi” and “ciska” there is excitement
daytime pupil dilation. Habitat: IRC. Way of being
Vania: parasitizes providers. Shows activity inday-
new time of day. Ability to reproduce: the virus reproduces
in a different way.  Lactation: absent. Configuration: non-expandable
May.  Speech: rudimentary. Hearing: developed, acute, receptive
to the entire frequency range. Reaction: inadequate. Coordination-
tion: broken. Features: once a year, in the spring, observed
increased activity of these creatures. Lamers gather in flocks, and fire
roma herds flock to the area of the Moscow River embankment, to
Expocenter on Krasnaya Presnya. Animals are trying to get into
exhibition "Komtek", they rush at the fence, at the guards,
dig holes in concrete, show the rudiments of intelligence, extracting
entrance tickets. Once inside, they sweep away everything in their path, stuffing
fill pockets and bags with badges, booklets, price lists and
press releases. Attacking the mouse-pad, grab it with loud noises
and sharp screams. They strive to drag all the prey to their nest.
The violent insanity lasts for several days. After which the lamers
disappear, where is unknown. Most likely, they rush to attack
crushing waves of the Moscow River.  This is how a natural balance is achieved
population size. It is recommended to keep it in closed confinement
ers, in complete isolation from personal electronic computing
personal machines and especially from servers, the contemplation of which is
leads the lamer to heart rupture.

 Versionparadoxical - lamers are needed!

 The conclusion from the above suggests itself: lamer is a creature
useless and sometimes even harmful.  And yet, no matter where
Spit, there are lamers everywhere. No dusts, rides, traps or pas-
You can’t tell them their roles. But in fact, lamers are useful creatures
new Thanks to communication with them, sysops and system administrators develop
speech, reaction, intuition and memory. Thanks to them, thirsty for Inter-
No, the providers are getting rich. In addition, there is healthy competition
tion, because every lamer has a small chance someday
become a user, and then, you see, he will grow into a sysop.


"Komsomolskaya Pravda"
August 15, 1997