╔════════════════════════ ═══════════════════ ═══════════════════╗ ║ Anecdotes. ║ ╙─────────────────────────────── ───────────────────────────────╜ The Chinese were going to go to war (for whom - history is silent - et). So, a conversation between two generals: (G1) -Listen, first we need to launch the bombers... (G2) -No, we don’t have bombs at all... (G1) -Oh, well then tanks! (G2) -No, we only have 5 of them, and they’re all rusty... (G1) -What then? (G2) -I personally propose infantry, in small ranks of 10 thousand each man! * * * A Georgian father gave his son a big revolver for his birthday. He walked around happy all day. A week later he says to his father: -Dad, I swapped your revolver for a Rolex watch, look, which one. -You're a sheep, dear, right? Complete ram! Shame on my head!!! - Pachemu? Your revolver costs $300, and your watch costs $900! -Nate, it’s still a ram! Well, think for yourself: go down the street. Osta- Three people pour. They say: “Your dad is a goat! Your mother is a goat!” And you yourself are a goat too!” - so what, now get out your Rolex and will you say “it’s two-thirty five now”??? * * * Rabinovich is callingRussian national unity (it seems so deciphered?) and asks: (R) - Rabinovich says, it’s true that the Jews sold all of Russia this? (RNE) - True, true, Jewish face. (R) - Then tell me where I can get my share? * * * Eeyore (I) walks through the forest, looks at the stump, Winnie (B) sits next to him the nickel (P) lies in an unconscious state with a black eye. (I) -What happened to (P)? (B) - Amanita has eaten himself, you pig! (I) -Where did the bruise come from? (B) -I didn’t want to eat, bitch! * * * Electrician's funeral. Voice from the crowd: - Oh, still very young. How old is he? - three hundred eighty... * * * America. Washington. The coolest hotel in the whole city. On ra- A young and inexperienced doorman was hired. Here he stands and talks with colleagues - already experienced doormen. Then the phone rings. Young The doorman picks up the phone and hears: - Here you go, here you go.... The doorman didn't understand, hung up, and went on to bazaar. Again call. He picks up the phone again and again hears: - Here you go... .... hangs up again, when this happens again somewhere in the fifth the second time, the rest of the doormen ask what's going on, and he, like this and that, someonecalls, jokes, says: “Tut ti tut tu,” they answer him: - Ahhh, so these are the new Russians, again two teas in the second room they ask!!! (Two teas to two) * * * My husband has a problem - impotence :( Wife, after consultation with a sex therapist - The doctor buys a mixture (liquid in a half-liter bottle) at takes it home and puts it in the refrigerator. (On the potion there is an inscription - store- thread in a cold place). Leaves for work. Comes in the evening, hears hysterical people in the kitchen whoops laughter. Comes in, picture: The husband is in tears from laughter. Listen wife, I decided here's pasta do. I poured oil into the frying pan, and... (laughs again)... How many years have I been living? This is the first time I’ve seen pasta being fried while standing. :) * * * The man wanted herring. He got up, washed his face, went to the store, but there was a long line. “Well,” he thinks, “there are no herrings.” if I get some, I’ll go buy some potatoes>> At the grocery store they said, that the potatoes are frozen, and besides, there are few of them left. Man I decided to buy at least some bread. I went into the bakery, and the bread wasn’t ready yet. drove - an accident at a bakery. Then he decided to go to the winery a store to get drunk out of grief. However, the crowd of younger and nosy alcoholics pushed him away from the counter. The wine is finished moose Mancame home, opened the desk drawer, found a pistol named Noah, given to him for his bravery by Zhukov himself, loaded it and resolutely went out into the street. I crossed Red Square and approached Spasskaya Tower. There was a long armed line at its gates... * * * A sergeant was practicing giving military duties with a group of recruits honors at burial. “Imagine that I am a coffin with the body of the deceased,” said Sergeant. - Now I will go between the ranks, and you must take stand at attention, turn your head and accompany me, that is the coffin, with his eyes, turning his head after me. Having passed through the entire formation, the sergeant turned around and for a while looked closely at his subordinates. - You hold your hands and heads correctly, but I don’t see the sad expressions on your faces. I don't understand what's wrong, but I see you joy in the eyes... * * * In the Wild West: - Orphan. take a dollar. - What an orphan I am to you, my dad is sitting there. The cowboy takes out a Colt, shoots... - Orphan, take a dollar. * * * 2 cowboys are sitting in the Saloon: - You know, that guy over there at the bar annoys me. - Which? There are four of them. - That one, the blond one. -They're all blonde there. - Well, the one in the white hat. - They're all wearing white hats there. The cowboy takes out a Colt, shoots, kills three. - This guy really gets on my nerves. * * * Hotel. Night. The Englishman comes down to the receptionist from his room. (a) - Sir. Could you give me a glass of water? (p) - Of course. (a) takes water and goes to the room. After a while returns. (a) - Sir. Could you pour me another glass of water? (p) - Of course, sir. (a) leaves, after some time returns again. (a) - Sir, please pour another glass of water. (p) - Absolutely. (a) leaves, (p) follows him: (P) - Don’t take it as immodest, but why do you need so much water? (a) - You see, there is a fire in my room... * * * A (M)young Englishman comes to the beach, undresses and takes a running start dives into the water. It floats slowly. Suddenly he sees a (p)alive a gentleman in a hat and a tailcoat. (m) swims up to (p). (m) - Sir. Is it possible to swim in a tailcoat? (p) - Sir. You are the one swimming here. I'm drowning. * * * Two intellectuals sat in a taxi and had a conversation: - Yesterday I was at the Ivanovs, and there, when we sat down at the table, forks placed on the left sideand the knives are on the right. - Yes, what are you talking about? What a nightmare, there are people. And the day before yesterday I The Sidorovs were there, they also had dinner, and when tea was served the spoons lay not on cups, but in saucers. Then the taxi driver turns around: - Is it okay that I’m sitting with my back to you? * * * Diogenes (D) is sitting on the seashore, thinking. Suddenly he runs past him is a man, and a little later, the other is a centurion (C). (C): Didn’t the killer run through here? (D): Who is the killer? (C): A person who takes the lives of other people. (D): Executioner? (C): No, he kills without a sentence. (D): Warrior? (C): No, he kills people in their home! (D): Ah, doctor! No, I didn’t run. * * * Coming out of the captain's cabin, Sheridan saw someone passing by Alfred Bester, who was clearly in a hurry somewhere. "I wonder where he's going in such a hurry?" - Sheridan thought. "None of your damn business!" - Bester thought in response. * * * A new Russian comes to the pool, but he is not allowed. Well, he’s indignant, why don’t you let him in? And in response to him - you are peeing in the pool! He, they say - who doesn’t pee! And to him, but not from the tower!!! * * * A man comes to a bookstore and asksfrom the saleswoman: - You have a book “20 Years Down” - No, I haven't even heard of such a book. - Well, of course. There are also such famous heroes as Atsos, Podsos, Ananist and Armenian Dartanyan. * * * So HP comes to the jewelry store and throws it on the table to the seller of the gold bar: (NR) - So, make me a ring from it.... =:[ ] Hy the seller opens the catalog and shows him the rings: (P) - What do you want??? or something like that???? maybe this is it??? (NR) - Listen, man, you’re such a fool, drill a hole can't??? :) * * * My husband comes home from hunting, tired and angry. - Wife! Do you know what an insidious animal the fox is? - No. Why do you think so? - Yes, I’m walking through the forest, and suddenly I see a fox running. I'm loading the gun Yep, I take aim, shoot - the fox falls. Give me, I think I'll go I’ll pick up the fox: I go up to her, and lo and behold, it’s a dog!!! * * * The Congress on People's Achievements once met in Europe farms. Swiss: -We crossed sturgeon with a cow. She now gives us both milk and butter, and caviar. In response to them the Russians: -And we are a watermelon with a cockroach, now you just cut our watermelon, s- the swords run away on their own! * * * A sergeant scolds a recruit: - Stop looking at women's rifles through the optical sight beach! The Colonel is very unhappy. Women run away so fast - I realize that he doesn’t have time to aim the binoculars. * * * NR got drunk and fell asleep on the asphalt. wakes up in the morning and looks at the chains no gold, no cell phone, no crimson jacket. What to do? He calls the lads, they say, let them go. The car bros are looking. They look - under the bridge a homeless man is lying in a suit with a cell phone in gold chains. HP: - Do you hear, man, who did you undress like that? Homeless: - Yesterday I was walking down the street, I saw a drunk lying down, I took a suit from him I take it off, take the phone, take off the chain and fuck... it. The lads have a minute of silence. HP: - Yes, my chain was thicker, and my jacket was lighter. * * * Lecture at the factory on the topic "On the dangers of meat." Lecturer crucifies in front of the workers for more than 2 hours. He says it's from meat eating Aging accelerates, it causes atherosclerosis and obesity. Actually we're full of sax. Here is a worker from the back rows: - And meat also makes your feet freeze. Lecturer: - For the first time, you know, I hear such data. Explain. Worker: - what should I explain here: if you eat meat at night, it’s good,At night he gets up, lifts the blanket and his feet get cold. * * * There goes a healthy, wardrobe-like hippie, all in baubles, etc. A peace coin hangs from a sewer hatch on a chain around his neck. 3 gopniks are coming towards you. The hippie removes the peace sign from his neck and untwists chants over your head: “I will teach you to love light and kind music Beatles!!!" * * * Two brothers decided to ditch Kashpirovsky (K). They come to him hut, they break in and say: -Listen, man, you’ve gotten big here, give us, in kind, 5 pieces of ba- kov! Well, K. excuses himself in response: - No, well, guys, things are going badly, etc., etc. The brothers got tired of it, they pressed harder, K. broke down and said to my wife: -Okay, give them as much as they ask, let them crap themselves! Two days later, one person calls from toilet to toilet: -Listen, let's go, let's return K.'s money! - Yeah, well, it’ll make it even worse. Let's go to Chumak! They come and tell me the problem. He nods understandingly and says: -It’s okay guys, we’ll break through, don’t piss! * * * Male logic: A conversation between two men about a woman -Did she give it to you? -No. -Neither do I. Holy shit! * * * (Ch)ykcha is sitting on the bank of the river. Nearbya bunch of fish. Comes to him (G)eologist. (D) Chukchi, give me some fish. (H) You can’t, the boss will swear! (D) Who is the boss? (H) Me! (D) Chief, give me some fish! (Ch) Yes, take as much as you want... * * * - Where is your boss going? - Flies to England for a symposium on the theory of relativity. - What is this? - How can I explain it to you more simply?.. Here, let’s say, two hairs on the head it’s a little, but in a bowl of soup it’s a lot. Twice for a wife it’s a lot, but for a mistress it’s not enough. Understood? - Understood. So what, he’s flying to England because of this joke?! * * * A man with a big hangover comes out onto the porch in the morning. To him a neighbor runs up and starts swearing that his dog mauled him some of her chickens. The man thinks for a long time, then says: - You're a fool! The chickens need to be tied! * * * An American and a Russian met. We drank and talked. The American boasts: - I have an apartment: hall, living room, wife’s bedroom, children’s bedroom, dining room, kitchen, office, two toilets, two baths... The Russian is tired of listening, he interrupts him: - Just think! I have everything the same, only without partitions! * * *Wife scolds her husband: - When will you finally stop drinking? - You know, Masha, I have no willpower... - Do you have the willpower to not fuck your wife for a year and a half?! * * * Accident! The man fell from the top bunk of the compartment and very woke up in the middle of the honeymoon. * * * A young man spent his day off at the dacha, whose owner there were 5 daughters. Some time later he receives a telegram: “You seduced my daughter, if you are a gentleman, get married.” "I'm a gentleman. Who should I marry?" * * * One friend complains to another: - Can you imagine, I found out that my husband is cheating on me! How do you do- Are you thinking about telling him about this? - For what? He probably already knows that. * * * The professor asks the student: -Who was your mother before marriage? The student shrugs: - I didn’t have a mother before her marriage. * * * Sunday. Evening. The husband finally turns away from the television Ra, stretches, yawns sweetly and askswife: -Did you say something, dear? - Yes, dear, I told you “hello” this morning. * * * - Petya is just crazy about me! - Don’t flatter yourself, dear, he was crazy about you too! * * * One woman asks a psychology professor: - Doctor, tell me, how do you determine if someone in front of you is normal? person or not. - Hey, to do this, it’s enough to ask just one question, the answer to which would not cause any difficulties for a normal person. For example: “As you know, Captain Cook made three trips around the world travel. During one of them he died. During what exactly?" - Could you give some other example? Pony- You know, back in school I was not doing well with geography. * * * Armenian radio asks: - Is it possible to admit women to the computer club? - Can. If a woman is not afraid of mice and does not blush at the word "ABORT". * * * One day Kosisop and I were sitting in a cafe. Absorbing teas in a place with baked goods. Here he says: - Listen, your nature is similar to Windows'95. Me: =8-() He: -It seems beautiful, but as soon as you start using the ser- Of course, it immediately crumbles. * * * Two Jews are talking - “I have a car, you have car, y Easy doesn't have a car. Let's help Iza make money on her car. well... Two Russians - “you were sitting, I was sitting, Ivan wasn’t sitting. Let’s do- I eat so that he can serve his time..." * * * During Soviet times, metallic rubles And now the then leaders of Brezhnev (B) are flying on the plane, Podgorny (P), Kosygin (K) and admiring the new-bdesk, ringing, view-beautiful in a word. (K) - I’ll throw a ruble down - a person will find it and be happy (P) - and I’ll throw ten - ten people will be happy (B) - well, I’ll make a hundred, hundred people happy The pilot turns around - and I’ll give up the helm - 250,000,000 will be happy - you * * * A general is riding in his personal Volga along a country road, and he sees a military GAZ car, stuck in the mud, and the soldier driver is waving Volga to stop. Well, the general says to his driver: "Kolya, slow down!" He stops, the general sticks out head out the window and asks the soldier: - What happened, son? - Yes, comrade. General - the car is stuck, it’s skidding, but I urgently need toYou need to get to the station in time. Can you help me push it out? The general, of course, was surprised, but got out and went to push the car. They pushed me out, the general was covered in dirt and said: - Wow, I barely pushed it out, it’s so heavy! - What did you want, comrade? general - there are 20 demobilizers sitting in the back! * * * Eeyore runs towards Pyatak and almost stumbles: - PITACHETK!!!! I'll tell you good news!!! - Did you find my red balloon? - No, pork has risen in price! * * * - How did you eat this hare 8-O? You are a convinced vegetarian. - It was revenge... he ate my cabbage. * * * Two users meet: #1:The other day I delivered 4 meters, now it costs 8 #2: So what, the car runs twice as fast? #1: No, Word is twice as fast buggy :-(( * * * What do women think about when looking at the ceiling? Mistress: - Will he come or not? Prostitute: - Will he pay or not? Wife: - Whitewash or not whitewash? * * * - Girl, you can be invited for a cup of coffee! - You can, but don’t smoke in bed! * * * A woman passes to the iron workers: - I bought a computer from you a week ago! - And what ? - My coffee stand is broken! - 8[] But we don’t sell coffee stands! - But I bought a COMPUTER from you and it broke COFFEE STAND!! - But we do not sell coffee supplies!!! - But a computer with multimedia!! - Yes, so what?!! - Well, what, on the big box, there is a button, If you press it, the coffee stand comes out! * * * Moscow. Evening. A Chukchi taxi driver is driving. A man slows him down: - Take me home! - What will you give me? - Nothing! - Sit down! We arrived at the house, the Chukchi said: - Well, come on, nothing! Man: - Well, let's go! The man took him into the basement, and it was pitch black there. The man asks: - What do you see? Chukchi: - Nothing! - Take two pieces and leave!!! * * * Two Chukchi in the tundra came across a huge rusty cannon from the times Tsar-Father. (1) - Let's run around Moscow? (2) - Come on. Well, they lit the fuse, which means there’s a gun here... They’re lying... near one has no arms, the other has legs and a gun invisible... (1) - Can you imagine what’s happening in Moscow right now? * * * Physics andmathematician was put on a plane flying over Texas with tasked with writing down everything they see below. Entry in the physicist's notebook: - There are black sheep in Texas. Writing in a math notebook: - At some point in Texas there is a sheep that is black on top. * * * Professor to student intern: - Today you will deliver the baby. When you're done, call me niche. Evening. Professor's apartment. Call. - Professor, we couldn’t save the baby, neither could the mother, and then there’s this and my father was present, and the scalpel jumped out of my hands... Straight entered the temple.. - Well, nothing, nothing. You'll try again tomorrow. Next evening. Professor's apartment. Call: - Professor! Congratulations, today is better - my father is still alive. * * * A patient comes to the doctor. Patient: - Doctor, you know, I pee somehow strangely. The doctor is interested: - How exactly? Patient. - That's it... He takes out the device and describes everything in the office. Doctor: wiping his face: - Curious, curious... Patient: - Doctor, that's not all. I still poop weird. Doctor (kindly): - Well, my friend, with this to tepanebty, to tepanebty... * * * My grandfather arrived in Moscow and is walking around the Kremlin. And then I got the itch old man...Spinning, running, looking for a toilet - sat down at the Palace and moved out - Dov under the fir trees. Naturally, the cop is right there: - Grandfather, what are you doing? It's a congress! - It’s okay, son, I don’t mind: if I eat it, I’ll pile it on. * * * FBI School. They are preparing spies for us. Russian language lesson One shakes his hand. -I have a question on the topic of beer. Where in the sentence “Guys who the last one???" you need to put the indefinite article "FUCK" * * * The toilet is clogged. Call a plumber. This one comes an intelligent young man, in a jacket, trousers... - Hello. - Hello. - Where are you clogged? - Please come in there... Well, he rolls up his sleeve, digs around for about five minutes, then: - Ten rubles. - Hey, sorry, we can’t give you more than 5. :( - Well, for that kind of money, I won’t get my hands dirty... * * * At the entrance to the restaurant there is a Mercedes 600, and its owner heavily drunk, he lies nearby in a puddle and greedily drinks water from it. K a friend comes up to him and tries to reassure him: - What are you doing?! You're losing your image! To which the drunk man replies: - Image is nothing! Thirst is everything! * * * Granny (B) comes to the Doctor (c), V. checks her and says: Q-Your heart is very weak, I advise you to remove the load from it- ki, for example, do not climb stairs, etc. B-Okay. She arrives exactly in 2 months, as expected. V., having examined her, says: Well, now it’s a different matter! You can start applying small loads... B-Ugh! Well, finally, otherwise I’m already so #worried about the drainage climb the pipe! :-))))) * * * Student (S) fails the exam. The teacher (P) tells him: -If you answer 1 question, I give it a 5, but if you don’t answer it, I give it a 2. (C) - give me a question. (P)-how many light bulbs are there in this classroom? (C) (counting the light bulbs on the ceiling) -5. (P) takes out the 6th light bulb from his pocket and says: -You will come next year. Next year. Same situation. (P)-how many light bulbs are there in this classroom? (C)-6. (P) turns out his pockets... ...And the student takes a light bulb out of his pocket! * * * the programmer goes to his system administrator and says: - Well, they tell jokes about us, they say the programmer sets near the bedside table at night there are two glasses - one with water, in case if he wants to drink, and the other is empty - if he doesn’t want to... - Strange, I only get 4... - why four? - well, in case of failure of the first system... :=) * * * A stoned drug addict sits on the river bank. Access to the shore presses the bro in the jeep. He looks and there is no bridge anywhere. He goes to the narc: - Do you hear, friend, where you can cross the ford here. Narc to him: - That's where you stand - go there. Brother, sit down and give full throttle. Runs into the river, and there is depth 3 meters. Of course, he drowned the car - he gets out angry as hell and to the narc: - Why the bastard, you advised me!!! Narc: - Fuck, I will, friend - the ducks here are only waist-deep. * * * Two directors are talking: - Listen, do you know of a good accountant? - Yes, but he will be released only in six months. * * * A New Russian came to the company. Wants to buy a computer. - Why are you here? - asks the worker. - Well... to play to.. - Will Pentium 2 suit you? - Is he cool? - YES! - I'm buying. The guy prescribes the most expensive components for HP, in general, he runs in 15 thousand rubles new. And then the man casually pushes out of the hundred on the keyboard and enters something... HP frowned: - What is this? - This is a keyboard, I keep it in my desk. A table especially for this It's designed, look, there's a compartment for the keyboard. - Cool! THEN I WILL HAVE A COMPUTER, A DESK AND A _CHAIR_!! We have difficultyWe hold back our laughter, but for now we hold on. Guy: “We’ll assemble the computer for you now, but the table won’t arrive until tomorrow.” they are transporting. - CAN I PLAY ON A COMPUTER WITHOUT A DESK? * * * A punk is walking down the street. You can't get two hips from here. Well that means: “Ah, mohawk!”, well, let’s kick him and shout: “You’ll lose your hair.” raise?" The punk insists: “I won’t.” They again: “Will you?” He responded: “Ah, I won’t!?” Then again. In the end, punk co- shouts: “I will, I will!” Calm hips: "Where are you going, then?" Punk: "To the ceiling!!!!" * * * A drunken fidoshnik is walking, and the donkey IA is walking towards him. "INNA" says the man "I'm not Inna, I'm IA the donkey" "INNA" - repeats the fidoshnik “It would be InnA if I tuned the letter H,” says the donkey angrily. * * * (H)erp sits in a mental hospital, people turn to him with a question - how did you get here.... 8-/ (H): Well, I went to the market, I see (B)abka is selling something. (H): Grandma, what do you have..? (B): Black currant. (H): Why is it red? (B): And because it’s green..... (H): 8-[ ] * * * In a military town, a little boy (M) twitches late at night father(O), commandercompanies: (M) - Dad, dad, let the elephants run! (O) - What are you talking about, the elephants are tired, they want to sleep... (M) - Well, dad, please, let the elephants run... Dad sighs: - Oh, I'm tired of you! COMPANY, RISE, PUT ON GAS MASKS!!! * * * In the boudoir of his mistress, Lieutenant Rzhevsky unbuttoned his jacket and took off his boots. The lady shuddered: - Hey, lieutenant, do you ever change your socks? -Very rarely, and only for vodka! * * * Winnie and Piglet are sailing on a boat; Piglet is sleeping, and Pooh is rowing. On- He's tired of this business, and he hits Piglet in the face with an oar. Piglet jumps up: “Huh? What? Where?” And Pooh says to him: “Well, pig, can't sleep? Well then bury" * * * The little son comes up to Bill Geis and asks: - Is it really true that your dad Windows 95 is multitasking? - True son - Show me - Now son, I’ll format the floppy disk * * * Piglet (P) comes to Vinnie (B) and sees that he is lying on the floor with with his stomach torn open and his intestines lying all over the room. (P): Vinnie, are you feeling bad? :-[ ] (B): Am I feeling bad?! Am I feeling bad?! I'm fucked!!! :) * * * He gave Winnie the Pooh (VP) a cell phone. Runs somehow the donkey Eeyore is walking through the forest and suddenly sees (VP), who, with angry irritation, like a mine, he sits on a tree stump and picks out buttons from his cell phone. wat. (Eeyore) - Vinny, what are you doing? (VP) - Yes, (P) gave me a CELLULAR pipe... but here there are no bees, no fur- yes *( * * * Winnie the Pooh comes running to Piglet and says: - Listen, Piglet! They sent us ten jars of jam - eight each cans for everyone! - How is it eight? - I don’t know, but I’ve already eaten my eight. * * * A man is racing in a car. A policeman stops him. Men- to: - Officer! I'm ready to explain... Policeman: - Well, be silent!!! Hands behind your head!!! I went to the current!!! After the man sat in the police station for 2 hours, the policeman comes to him: “You’re lucky that the head of the section Today will be good. He'll be back from his daughter's wedding soon! I think he will feel sorry for you on this occasion! Man: - Don't count on it... I'm the groom!
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