Seven and 1/2 - let's laugh: Anecdotes about lamers and users, as well as real calls to the technical service. support.

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 Jokes about lamers and users,
 as well as real calls
 to the technical service. support.
 ------------------------------

 - Your computer does not boot. We are three
we'll order them to change the processor! And in blue
table (meaning NC) there were some with
grids (meaning protected systems
dark files). Our son is good at this
well, they are all computers in the technical department
pass. He said it was a glitch in the wine
chester, but he managed to get rid of them.

...Told by LSD...

   A man calls a programming company:
- Your program does not work!What to do?
- Have you read the manual carefully?
- Yes, yes, I did everything as written - not pa-
works.
- Read the 1st line again.
- I read: "Press the ENTER button." I press.
Does not work.
- Read on.
- I read: “Release the ENTER button.” ABOUT! For-
worked!!!

   Call.
- Is it possible to return your product if it
Is not suitable for us?
- What's the problem?
- We bought a monitor from you, but it didn’t
what it doesn't print!

   User (looking at the keyboard on us)
table):
- It’s good for you, but our keyboard is poor
night!
- We too, - we answer.
   It turns out that they are in their village
Accountants hit the keyboard through the plastic
owl tires (from dust). Moreover, when they
They split the first party, the boss moved out
I went to H-sk and bought it somewhere else. Here
This is how it happens.

   And when they launched it on one personal computer
TI (screen flip), and the girls about
They didn’t know this and asked the teacher, he
(Assistant Professor, Department of Computer Science)
suggested: "Maybe you have a floppy disk
inserted the wrong way?!"

   A man comes to the computer salon:
- I bought a computer from you yesterday...
- Do you have problems?
- It burned... :-((
- No problem, it's under warranty. And what y
Are you burned?
- That's it!
- Well, that doesn’t happen. Is the processor intact?
- Burnt out.
- And the hard drive?
- Burnt out.
- And the memory?
- Burnt out.
- And the monitor?
- Burnt out.
- 8-0 Lord! What did you do with him?
- Yes, I had a fire yesterday....

   ...using the example of some accounting
package. In the mode of deleting a recording on the screen
a hint appears:

 "Do you want to delete the entry?"
 [Yes] [No]

   By default, the backlight is set to "No"
(as it should be in delete modes).
They ask the examinee: "Do you wish
record? "Yes" - she answers. "Then-
yes answer "YES" and press the key
"Enter" - "YES" - the woman SPEAKS loudly and
presses the "Enter" key.

   Students asked one teacher:
"Why do we copy [in Norton] from the right pa-
to the left, and the strip goes from left to right
in?"...

   The Americans came to see and
-learn more about our schools. They walk and look
ryat. One of them asked:
- Do you use computers in schools?
- Yes, from first grade.
 They enter the classroom and see: they are standing on the
horseman has 4 computers. The teacher says:
- Sidorov, take 1 computer and install it
on the table. Children, how many computers are left?
elk on the windowsill?

   A guy calls the store and says about...
to the seller:
M. - I have smoke coming from my computer.
P. - Your power supply is probably burned out.
M. - No, for meThey said that if you change
 something in autoexes.bat, then it will stop.
P. - No, this will not help, you have a power supply
the fire burned out. And so on for half an hour until the seller
tired...
P. - You need to call Microsoft and
show NOSMOKE.COM. Half an hour later the same
a man calls and says:
M. - I need a new power supply, because
they told me at Microsoft that my old
the power supply does not fit their version NO-
SMOKE.COM...

   Call the computer office. Client:
- Take your computer, it won’t turn on.
- What does it actually say?
- Writes "insert floppy disk, insert disk-
ty..."
- Did you insert it?
- You know, but somehow I didn’t guess...

   Resident of the Far North in the computer
store:
- Do you have any operating systems?
- Yes.
- Are there any multitasking ones?
- Yes.
- Please give me three tasks!

   "...I need to install 32-bit in my machine
New network card, because I have 32 mega pa-
memory and a 16-bit card will not see
senior addresses..."

   I'm sitting at work, a woman comes in - a professional
sop even - and says: "I'm going to Moscow, I
you need a floppy disk to record something there."
A kind person, of course, gave it. And in py-
wow, she has such a small hairdresser, just-
the size of a school pencil case. So, she takes it
this floppy disk and folds it four times,
carefully pressing the fold lines with your fingers.
The comrade fell into a state of “quiet shock” +
+ "bitter memory of the missing disk-
those" and asked her: "What are you doing...
mother (implied)?" Answer: "So the disk-
-flexible!!!" That's all...

   Somehow they call two technical masters
transfer of computers to a company where literally
a week before a new one was installed
technology. They arrive, they are told, they say,
The Viatpa is stuck. Well they were surprised, because
the new equipment was completely tested for a month
those Let's go see what's going on. They come -
- such a portly aunt sits (2x2x2) and on-
begins to show: "I’m just starting to type-
pick",while placing your hands on the keyboard,
"and they themselves begin to gain",laying
your extensive chest there, i.e.  on the cla-
viatypy. Naturally, they start on the screen
symbols fly by at breakneck speed.
"You see!", she exclaims joyfully, "and
when I stop typing", - subtracting from
keyboards in reverse order - first
chest, then hands, - "everything stops!".
Poor masters are almost on the spot laughing
died...
   But the saddest thing in this story is that
the next day the craftsmen were fired. Morality
- don’t forget that you are on duty!

   To one Tula company, trading computer
An aunt comes in with lectures and accessories
village appearance and says:
- I bought a mouse pad from you. Yes
here mice run on it and don’t die! Maybe
Does it need to be watered?

   K hacker approaches the lamer, stretches out the
mover of his idle program and
asks:
- Where is my mistake?
- IN DHK!!!

   Good people took pity on the lamer,
clarified what RTFM is. Like, it's an abbreviation
like this - Read The Fucking Manual. "And besides
here it is" - thought the lamer, but "Kamasyty"
I bought it anyway.

   Client:
- To buy a system unit from you, then
Do you need to bring your own monitor?
-You can!

- Hello! Technical department?! I'm typing the password - and me-
they won't let me in!
- This means you need to type correctly.
- I'm typing correctly! Five stars!

- Hello! Technical department?! I turn on the computer, and on the e-
nothing!!!
- Reboot first.
- How?
- Alt-Ctrl-Del.
- Do not press!
- Then press Reset - then call back.
 (In about ten minutes)
- Hello! There's still nothing on the screen!
- Did you press Reset?
- Clicked!
- Hy and?..
- What's the "and"?! Here you go!!!

   What Norton brings. That was a joke
at school. Computer science class has started, that's itfor-
go to class and see one girl on the screen
only one Norton window, well she's doing something
made a mess, and then goes up to the teacher and
asks: "How can I return to pa-
nel???"

- My indicator on the scanner does not light up!
- Let's go in order. You turned on the scanner
socket.
- No. :(

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   Household appliances combined with computer
thorny network, today it becomes reality
tew. Company Microsoft is actively
participation in home automation projects
his farm. Knowing the features of "behavior-
information" of its software products, you can pre-
to figure out how it will all work.

   "Application "Door"  has committed an illegal
This operation will be closed. You can't-
you want to open the door because something happened
entry-exit error."

   "During the washing process, new
system components "Buttons". Release
connect the telephone line and insert the disc "Install
new buttons." Falls out of the car
laundry, water pours out, in a nasal voice:
"The button driver is installed, to continue
In order to work, the laundry needs to be reloaded.
Insert new underwear and press start - start
download - yes - sure - definitely - saved
thread - rewrite - yes - sure - yes - with
with the same name - sure - reboot."
Or "Button driver not found, components
"Buttons" will be removed from the system." Yes-
lee: "It is impossible to keep clean laundry,
because there is not enough free space in
washing machine. Linen cannot be washed
piled from the car into the basin.Create in the basin
link to dirty laundry?

   "System error: device "Gas
faucet" cannot be closed because
a burner error occurred: the flame went out.
Close all windows, log out and log in again
to the kitchen."

 "The refrigerator was not closed correctly
before the last power off. Pro-
Do you want to check the contents of the refrigerator?
During the check, one or more
how many spoiled products, as well as
lost clusters that were part of
products. Store them in a separate compartment?
Restore damaged products? Recover
update failed, products are only available
to view."

 "The vacuum cleaner detected an unknown type of mu-
sora "Cockroach." Is this dust? Suck it in?  Suctions-
having a cockroach is impossible, because in
suction driver is not installed on the system
cockroaches.  Install the disk."From a vacuum cleaner
All the dust and debris falls out. "Required
reboot. It is impossible to suck up a cockroach,
because the driver supports suction
only red cockroaches version 7.0 and higher
new. Contact support Mic-
rosoft to obtain cockroaches later
version days".
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    OBSERVATION BY AN EXPERIENCED USER.

   Last year, one of my friends for an upgrade -
dilGirls 1.0 to Wives 1.0 and discovered,
that it takes up a lot of memory and leaves
very few system resources for others
applications. And recently he noticed that Wife
1.0 also launches child processes, which
They also take away valuable resources. Neither in
advertising leaflets, or in such documentation
the phenomenon has not been described, although according to information,
received from other users, similar
what was to be expected in connection with the nature
access this application.
   On top of everything, Wife 1.0 installed-
it is configured in such a way that it always starts
during system initialization and monitors
the process of work. He discovered that some
Top applications, including Football 10.3,
Pivtso 1.5 and Fishing 7.0,in general,stopped
work in his system, causing an emergency
reset when trying to execute (although never
There were no such problems before). When installed
lations Wife 1.0 does not provide a choice,
installing unwanted additives, such as
Teschi 55.8 and beta release of Shypin.Also
It seems that the system performance is
gives every day.
   In the next releaseWives 2.0we want
I would like to see such possibilities: button
"Don't remind me again"; mini button
tions: an option in Uninstall that allows you to
install Zheny 2.0 in such a way that
it was possible to delete it at any time without any
loss of cash and other system resources; op-
tion that allows you to start the network in
illegibility, which will make the review function
system equipment requirements are significant
but more useful.
   Personally, I decided to avoid all headaches
pain associated with Wife 1.0 and continue
use Girl 2.0. But still y
I had problems with her. It turns out
impossible to install Girl 2.0 top
systems with Girl 1.0: first need
delete Girl 1.0. Other users
they say that this is a very old mistake, and
what should I know about her?
   They say that different versions of Girls conflict
chatter about sharing
input/output port. I think they could have long ago
I wish I could correct such a stupid mistake. Worse
In addition, the removal programGirls 1.0works
melts unstably, sometimes leaving the system
There are traces of the application's operation. Another non-
nice moment: all versions Girls pos-
persistently display short annoying messages
messages about the need to upgrade to Wives
1.0.

ERROR WARNING

   wife 1.0 has an undocumented
error.  If you try to install Love-
nitsy 1.1 without deleting Wives 1.0.Wife 1.0
will destroy all MS Money files and then itself
will delete itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse
continue installation, declaring insufficient
ness of resources.

 HOW TO OVERCOME THE ERROR

   To get around the error described above,
try to install  Mistress 1.1  on
another system, and never run
data transfer applications like
LapLink 6.0. Also beware of similar
shareware applications that can transfer
viruses and infect Zheny 1.0. Another solution
nie - work with Mistress 1.0 anonymously
through the provider.  But even here it is necessary
be careful not to accidentally download
use a UseNet virus for yourself and add resources
MS Money.

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