Scream #02
29 января 2002

Миска - About girls.


|About girls 
|Tomcat/Greenroom (published in hugi#22) 


Let's  be  straight: this article is for nerds. Not that I would
have anything against computer freaks, I have many true nerds as
friends.  Many  of  them  have  serious problems in dealing with
girls,  and  many  of them have never had a girlfriend, and they
think they'll never have one. But like every man, they all dream
of  beautiful and cute girlies, as seen in GIFs, while having no
idea how to find them. If you think you're not that type and you
don't  need  my  advice, simply don't read this article. For the
rest let me help you a bit. First of all, you will barely find a
girlfriend  by sitting at the machine all the day. Well, in fact
there  are  net chatrooms where you can find some, but those are
mostly  ugly sluts, or worse, they are guys, fooling you. I have
never  heard  of  anyone  getting  a  girlfriend on the IRC or a
chatroom.  If  you're  a  nerd,  don't expect any girl from your
close  environment  to  fall  in  love  with  you.  Your  female
classmates  probably  hate you, or think you're impotent or gay.
Don't even try them, and I also don't recommend other girls from
school.  School is out of bounds for our real lives anyway, some
years  later you'll see that your schoolmates were mostly morons
and losers.
 
You  should  find girls somewhere else, perhaps at a party. Yes,
it  can  even  be  a  demoparty,  I  currently  have  my  second
girlfriend  whom  I first met at a demoparty. But a normal party
is  much more useful. Say, you don't know when and where parties
are held? Don't say you don't have friends who are not nerds, at
least  you  should  have  some on the IRC or so. Meet them, hang
around  with  them  (forget  computers  for a while), get a life
together,   and  soon  you'll  find  yourself  in  a  friendship
community,  and  soon  you  will  be  invited  to  a party. Such
communities  always  attract  girls,  if  it's  not  only  about
computers.  Even  you  can  start  a  party, but don't forget to
invite  fifty-five  girls  and  five  boys to have ten girls and
forty boys. :)

Well,  OK,  you now know some girls, and you're at a party. It's
not  a  cool idea to hook yourself to a girl, and keep bothering
her  with  your  blabbing,  and  it's  definitely not the way to
immediately ask for her phone number. Just let the party run, do
something  that  makes  fun. Don't sit in a corner! Team up with
your  friends  and do something. It doesn't matter what, as long
as  it's  funny  and  people  are  trying to join. Start cooking
pancakes,  sit  down and tell funny stories, whatever. Soon some
girls  will  also  join. If a friendly bunch is getting too big,
usually  if it has more that four members, it will soon break up
to  talking  couples or trios. Start talking to one of the girls
as if it were just happening that she's standing closest to you.
You  can  tell  funny  stories, just think about the ones you've
read  in diskmagazines, put your or your friends' names in them,
and  don't  care  about the copyright - she's not likely to have
read Hugi.

See, you're now talking with a girl and having fun. Does talking
to  a  female block your tongue? C'mon, you're a MAN, you've got
something  she wants, and, besides, you must show strength - not
necessarily  muscles,  but  strength  in spirit, you should show
that you're different from everyday morons, as you are for sure.
Don't  be scared that she will find you ugly, because she won't.
This is already sex: males get excited from the view of females,
but   females   care  far  less  about  their  partners'  bodily
appearance.  Of  course  they care about your clothing, so don't
wear  your  worst  rags.  What  can  excite  a  female  is first
gentleness  from  a  male,  and the feeling of him being able to
protect  her.  This  is a basic instinct in women, they will not
analyze  your  body like a robot, since this protection thing is
not  about  muscles at all, they will just feel if you're right.
So  build  an image about yourself which is not too far from the
truth but sounds interesting.

Now, let's say she's a party girl. This one is considered a slut
by  most  people,  the  one you can fuck at a party and the next
time someone else will. Then from here you only need to take her
for  a dance, and skip the next part. If she's not a party girl,
have  a nice conversation with her. Perhaps she has a boyfriend,
perhaps  not,  but  don't give up if she has one. Many girls are
just  about  to leave the prick they currently hang around with,
but  they  will  all  say they have a boyfriend. In fact this is
another  female instinct, it's just to slow you down on your way
to  her. If you don't give up at this point, and keep moving on,
the girl will perhaps respect it, and will soon consider leaving
her current boyfriend for you, the more interesting person.

But  currently  you're  just talking, and there is nothing about
getting  together  -  yet.  Talk  to  her  about  arts,  movies,
whatever, find out what she prefers. Let's say she likes movies.
Well,  it's  just a simple thing - swap phone numbers at the end
of  the  party,  and call her some days later to invite her to a
cinema.  One  thing to note is that porno cinemas are not too OK
for  this  purpose.  If she has a boyfriend, and she's faithful,
she  will  deny the invitation, and this is the point for you to
stop.  Mission  failed,  soldier,  but  there  are  almost three
billion  more  other  women  on this planet... But let's say she
agrees.  Now, this is where something can start. Meet her, go to
the  cinema,  of  course  it's  recommended  that  you  pay both
tickets,  since you're the man. After the movie invite her for a
walk, have a coffee at some place, or maybe even go dancing - if
she  likes  that and you aren't dancing like a wounded elephant.
Of course you're expected to escort her home, if you have money,
a taxi can make good use.

Girls  are  usually  just as scared as you are. When arriving at
her  place,  she'll probably be worried about what should happen
now. She will not show it, but it's a sign if she just stands at
her  gate  with  you  for  some  seconds, likely not finding the
appropriate  words  for  the  evening,  and  then she just says:
"Well,  thank  you  for  everything... err... bye!" Then just go
ahead and ask for your little kiss on the cheek. You will surely
get  it.  More  experienced  girls will automatically give it to
you.

From  this  moment  she'll also aspire to meeting you. Next time
invite  her  to  some  event  held  with  friends, for example a
pancake cooking, some guy's birthday, etc. Believe me, if you're
a  man  and have the necessary hormones, you will know when it's
time to kiss her for the first time.

And voilа, you have your first girlfriend. Congratulations.

But  be  careful! In fact picking up a chick is much easier than
keeping  her.  During  the  next  weeks  learn about her habits,
strong points, try finding out what she likes and what not. Most
girls don't like computers and other machinery (cars, airplanes,
weaponry,  etc.),  so  avoid  these.  Sometimes  buy  her  small
presents: a piece of flowers can always work. To strengthen your
position,  you  can  talk with her about psychological problems:
girls usually like to state that they're soooo depressed because
of  something.  In most cases that's ridiculous, but just listen
to  her,  sometimes say something like "I see", "Oh that's bad",
"Well..."  etc.,  and she will think you really listen. It's not
like  lying,  if  she  doesn't have a real problem, it will help
her,  but  if  you really try to solve her nonexistent problems,
she  will  tell  you  more and more details she has in mind, and
finally you'll find yourself in a labyrinth.

Someday you will reach the point when you both want to go to bed
with each other. Note that sex is not a disgusting activity, not
even for the woman; if she kissed you, she wants you, and if she
wants you, having sex with you is not disgusting for her at all.
The  question  is,  when to do that? It's a good idea to get her
menstruation  calendar  somehow.  Most  girls don't like fucking
when  they  have  it,  but  in fact it's possible even then, and
since  their  clitoris is more sensitive during their days, they
will  enjoy  it much more. Of course it doesn't apply if she has
pains  during menstruation. But let's not start with this - find
out  when  she  doesn't  have it. Try getting her close to a bed
just  some  days  after  it's  over. Just start with what you've
already  done:  kissing and embracing each other. She will enjoy
it,  and  will perhaps immediately know what will happen. But it
may  happen  that  she's  a  virgin, or she is petrified of sex.
She's  not  necessarily  frigid,  but she's a bit afraid. If she
tries to stop you after a point, just ask her what's wrong.
 
In  fact  many  old  bitches  - aunts, grandmas, etc. - have the
habit  of  telling  young  girls  that  the  first event is very
painful.  Yes,  it  is painful, if the asshole just jumps on the
girl  and  stuffs  it  in.  This should have happened to the old
bitch,  and  since she's also just a loser as the one who fucked
her,  she  thinks  it's  normal  to  have  striking pain and see
splattering  blood when losing virginity. Well, it's not. Let me
tell a story about such stupid bitches which is not connected to
the  subject, but I just have it in mind. A letter was published
once  in a Hungarian female magazine. A woman, stating she has a
diploma,  wrote  that she'd been married for five years, but she
still  didn't have children, and, besides, sex always caused her
great  pain  in  her  anus, isn't there a way to get her asshole
more slippery? Har har. Nah, back to the subject.

So  if she's fearing pain, just tell her that it's bullshit, but
don't  apply  force  if  she  just  doesn't  want  it. It is not
necessary  to  really have a coitus for the first night. But you
can  be  together,  feeling  each other, and I think this is the
greatest  bodily  feature.  For  the  second  or the third night
she'll  surely  be  thinking it over, and will let you really do
some great fucking. I guess you don't need to be told what parts
a  girl  has.  Start  kissing her face and neck, these have many
sensitive  areas.  Once  try  gently passing over your finger on
your  neck and face. You will feel where they're more sensitive.
The  girl  has  the  same areas. You can even play with her ears
with your tongue, or by gently biting them. But as I said, there
are  male instincts, and these will once again help you find the
way.

If  you're good at the game, try removing her upper clothes. She
will  let  you  do  that,  but don't simply pull her blouse off,
first  slip  your  hands  under  it, and touch her hot skin, her
back,  her side, the side of the breasts even. You will see what
she  wants,  her body will guide you. Slowly remove the clothes,
and  keep her stimulating. Meanwhile put her on the bed, and lie
her down. If the breasts are free, go to them. Try kissing them,
licking them with your tongue, but don't let your tongue be hard
at first. And don't poke the tits with your fingertips, they are
very  sensitive now. If you feel that they're getting harder, it
is a proof that she enjoys it. In fact most women like it when a
man  holds their tits in his hands. This gives them a feeling of
safety.  To  women, the breast is as important as the ball to us
men.  They get a bit more relaxed if the man they love and trust
takes care of them.

Another  erogenous  zone is the area of the belly. Gentle kisses
can  work,  but  some girls are ticklish there. The butt is also
very  sensitive,  and  is  a  rarely  touched  intimate zone, so
touching  or stroking it can really excite her. You can even try
kissing  it  -  not the anus for the first time, but no point of
the body is restricted to be touched.

The inner side of the thighs is usually the point where it comes
to  light  whether  she  really wants it now or needs a bit more
besieging.  Try  gently  stroking  her  legs  from  the knees to
upwards.  When  you  reach  the  thighs, she will either quickly
close  her  legs  or open them. In the first case try convincing
her  that you will do no harm, and no one will punish her if she
acts  like  a woman and asks for what she desires. At this point
she will probably not need too much talking.

So  here  is  it: the female organ (also known as pussy, for the
less  educated). The pussy is a delicate equipment, and requires
very  gentle handling. It has two main parts; the clitoris is in
the upper part. It may not be visible at the moment, it's unique
for  every  woman, as in sensitivity as in size. But just as for
cocks,  size doesn't matter. Have you seen porno movies? I guess
you  have.  Well,  believe me, the guy in the movie was actually
licking  that.  You  can do it too. In fact oral sex is the most
gentle  action  one  can  do  for  his  or her partner. Don't be
afraid,  it's  neither dirty nor stinky (or if it is, you have a
very  low  quality  bitch).  And  since  every healthy woman did
masturbation  at  least  once  in her life, clitoral orgasm is a
known  thing  to  her, she will most probably allow you to lick.
You  can  push one finger in her hole during the act and move it
inside,  or even two. Orally satisfying the girl has two obvious
advantages.  First,  it  will  be  easier for you to satisfy her
during  the  coitus  later.  Most  women have a much harder time
getting  to  orgasm  than a man does, so you will likely be done
earlier  than  she  would like to. Second, if she doesn't really
want  to suck you, but you'd like it, you can convince her to at
least try it, since you also did it for her.

Ah  yes,  sucking. A friend of mine always said that every woman
was going to suck one day, but to be honest, it is not sure that
you'll  still  live  on  that day. Some girls just don't suck at
all.  Some  do. There are many ways of doing that, I won't write
them  down  here,  if you're interested in how to do that, visit
some gay site. Well, if your girlfriend is able to suck you, you
can  consider yourself lucky, if she even enjoys it, then you're
fuckin'  lucky, and if she even swallows the jelly then you have
the jackpot. Even some porno stars don't like to swallow.

So,  when  you got enough of petting and oral games, you can try
the coitus. If your partner is a virgin, be sure that she's very
wet  before  trying anything, and don't push it too quickly, but
neither  slowly.  If you do it right, she will not feel anything
bad, and will even have an orgasm. Some blood may spill however,
that's normal.

Well,  this  was  my  tutorial for nerds, hope it helps at least
some  poor  freaks  who  have  to  live their lives without cunt
support.   And   note   my   words:   there  is  no  thing  like
predestination! You're not the one destined to play the computer
all  your  life.  All  you  need  is  to  turn  that machine off
sometimes.



Другие статьи номера:

Editorial - я с планеты Майга.

Editorial - две триады кристая: "...Однако я люблю крик2! Он получился немного наивным, возможно, абсурдным, но для меня он характерен прежде всего теплотой..."

Editorial - индустриальные капли бархатного сока мозговых извилин: "Два дня назад я вернулся с cc1 и с тех пор меня гложет что-то непонятное, необъяснимое, неподдающееся пониманию..."

Editorial - make a clean breast of it: "что касается моей музыки здесь - то я хотел чтобы она дарила людям душевное тепло, то, которое у меня было в детстве и то, которое я сумел сохранить до настоящего дня..."

Editorial - Unbeliever: "С трудом я вспоминаю о каких-либо шоковых программных продуктах последнего времени. Очередная версия Best View, быстро развивающийся BGE, HRiP и AcEditor, это наверное все, что достойно внимания..."

Крик - charts index: "я наконец-то решил посчитать все пришедшие чарты. Да уж, не густо - всего 18 vote-листов, но зато какие люди голосовали!"

Крик - charts результаты: "Безумная работа, скажу я вам! Целый день в моей голове крутятся одни чертовы цифры, целый день я считал, изучал, исправлял, стрелял, убивал..."

Крик - credits.

Zoom - новости: создатели газеты Абзац делают игру, Phantom Family cвалили на pc, новый состав группы 4D, Вячеслав Медноногов потерян для спектрума окончательно, Davos забил на спектрум, Lynx работает над HTML вьювером, у группы Sage "полный негативизм", Kvazar прекращает выпуск газеты "Полесье" и т.д.

Zoom - интервью с Baze/3sc.

Zoom - Wlodek Balck о ситуации со Спектрумом в Москве.

Scene - Internet vs Speccy: победила дружба! "Чем же так привлекателен интернет для создания новых проектов посвященных нашему любимому компьютеру?"

Scene - Insanity Zer0: "Реальных демомейкеров за всю историю спектрума - не больше десятка имен, с натяжкой можно назвать двадцать! Геймемйкеров - еще меньше..."

Scene - leet?! Определения элитного "сценера".

Scene - плацебоги: "placebo: вы плацебоги, мы вас любим".

Scene - каннибализм на сцене: "лагерь спектрума разбит на две тусовки: западную, европейскую сцену и русскую..."

Pro-обзор - press.scene.review: Kosme 0, Psyhoz 5, Body 2f, Plutonium 19, Черная Ворона 6, Subliminal Extacy 3, IzhNews 0C, ZX-time 2, Lamergy 1, MSF 22, Стекло.

Pro-обзор - cc01.gfx заложник пикселей: "Я ждал этого компо, честно признаюсь, без каких-либо особых переживаний..."

Pro-обзор - CC1 music или 'дело было вечером...' - Gas 13 vs Nik-O.

Pro-обзор - Nuotrauka music compo review: "Написание обзоров графики с прошедших party уже стало хорошей традицией, но почему-то не получило большого развития в музыке..."

Pro-обзор - Nuotrauka GFX compo review: "наслушавшись мнений художников-техников, очевидно небезынтересно будет узнать мнение тех, кто видит работы под несколько другим углом зрения"

Pro-обзор - Nuotrauka'tm compo stuff review: "Обзоры - штука довольно сложная, потому что говорить не лицеприятные вещи людям, с которыми ты в хороших дружеских отношениях, сложно всегда"...

Pro-обзор - Millennium'1901 Demoparty ... Обзор графики от Ice'Di.

Pro-обзор - phat1 gfx compo review.

Pro-обзор - phat0 gfx compo review: "Графика в этот раз? Не очень. Помнится, в прошлый раз было лучше"

Pro-обзор - insanity#9 review: "Этот номер хотя и не был изначально ожидаем мною как скандальный, но после выхода таковым стал. Лично я остался если не избитым до смерти, то по крайней мере покалеченным"

Demoparty - chaos construstions'oo1 report: "в Петербурге царила просто непередаваемая атмосфера духа сцены, дружбы, сплочённости, и так хорошо мне, наверное, никогда ещё не было"

Demoparty - Chaos Constructions 001: Party было... было rulez! "возвратившись домой с CC'001, я не могу поверить в то, что все происходило наяву"

Demoparty - Megus: Отчет о demoparty Chaos Constructions'2001.

Demoparty - nuotrauka'tm details: "Так получилось, что я стал одним из органайзеров этой парти, а потому и отмазываться от части придется мне"

Interview - интервью с poisoned CyberJack/Triebkraft (часть 1).

Interview - интервью с poisoned CyberJack/Triebkraft (часть 2).

Interview - интервью c Blade, Steelzer, Ice'di / Ttriumph.

Interview - гоны за сцену: "почему Chasm/CPU урод, и кто вообще решил, что он - урод?"

Tutorials - coding: реализация эффекта "Mirror rotator" (статья рассчитана на довольно подготовленного демо-кодера).

Tutorials - ascii scene: "Ascii сцена... Как же я тебя безумно люблю! Наверное, ты как никакая другая сцена смогла зародиться так рано"

Tutorials - под прессом прессы: "Когда тебя учат писать, рассказывая о литературных тонкостях и приемах, это отлично, это здорово! Когда у тебя кроме этих познаний нет ничего, нет базовых понятий, это куда хуже"

Сладкие - index.

Сладкие - одиночество.

Сладкие - son.

Сладкие - треугольный кабинет.

Сладкие - три испачканных розы.

Сладкие - сам.

Сладкие - вася.

Сладкие - осуждение.

Сладкие - добро.

Сладкие - приход.

Сладкие - алюминиевая ложка.

Сладкие - ботинок.

Сладкие - внезапность.

Сладкие - ДРАМА13.

Сладкие - холодильник заснеженных идеалов.

Сладкие - моя оля.

Иной - index.

Иной - dnewnik-ol.

Иной - e-dnewnik-oz.

Иной - скеси-ссака.

Иной - скеси-ссака (2).

Иной - скеси-ссака (3).

Иной - скеси-ссака (4) или кристов любит роню.

Иной - его губы.

Иной - Пойми сигу.

Иной - Чем пахнет сига?.

Иной - Дым-шептун.

Биться - безумные оправдания: "Думаю, ты еще не знаешь, что в insanity#9 бОльшая часть материалов - выдержки из личной переписки автора с различными сценерами"

Биться - Трахальщик Frunze: "Увидели мы значит в сетях рекламу от "товарища Frunze", касающуюся видео с CC'999. Итак, подкопив некоторый капитал в размере 100 р. заказали видео_кассету"

Мозги - skene anexx.

Мозги - dick is out of my pants!.

Мозги - сладкие члены.

Sobaka.ру - postbox: "собственно, вот и оно, то, ради чего отчасти и делался [крик - ваши отзывы, эмоции и даже Зло. Писем пришло много..."

Миска - "Самое прекрасное в том, что сюда ты можешь писать даже не зная ничего о сцене!"

Миска - Тривиальное чтиво: "Декларации демократического общества сами по себе как обещания ничeго не стоят. У нас привыкли верить красивым словам, но в поступки верить почему то не принято"

Миска - ОС будущего для SPECCY.

Миска - "Ты - слизняк. Да, да, это так, не нужно отрицательно мотать головой и отмазываться тупыми фразами. Ты дохляк! Ты маструбируешь на голых девок из zx-stag'а"

Миска - About girls.

Лоzhение - index: "Возможно, ты не оценишь то, как я сократил слово "приложение", но..."

Лоzhение - about ACEdit0.59.

Лоzheние - Группа CRUSHERS представляет свою мини игру: Flintstones: Fred in the magic wood.

Лоzheние - [В]арга lit packs 13, 14, 15, 16 and 17: "Я безумно тебе завидую - ведь у тебя все еще впереди, ведь тебе еще только предстоит окунуться в сказочно прекрасный мир, созданный талантливыми писателями из команды [В]арга".


Темы: Игры, Программное обеспечение, Пресса, Аппаратное обеспечение, Сеть, Демосцена, Люди, Программирование

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