Think #30 09 августа 1999

Юмор

Jokes - Humor.

        JOKES - MUSIC IN THE AIR



 From an interview with F. Shalapinym:
- What you found most difficult when you

  learn to sing?
- Payment for lessons ...


                 *


  The famous Italian singer Caterina
Gabrielli has asked Catherine II, five
thousand ducats for two months, performance in
Petersburg.
- I'm his Field Marshals pay less -

  Empress protested.
- Okay, Your Majesty,
  retorted Gabrielli - let your

  Field Marshal and sing to you.
The Empress has paid that amount.


                 *

- What is the difference between a good choirmaster

  and bad? - Was asked once in Robert

  Show.
- Good Chorus holds the score in

  head, and poor - head in the score -

  came the reply.


                 *

- There is nothing easier - said Massenet, Zach
  ruchivaya conditions - than to give lessons

  piano. Enough to know three proposed
  tion: "Hello, Mademoiselle ... Him
  Nogo slower, I ask you .. Zasvidetel
  stvuyte my respects to your grandmother ... "


                 *


  During a tour in Moscow, the Bolshoi,
Herbert von Karajan, wanting to make a sound
Pipe the greatest possible distance, planted the first 
trumpeter to the gallery. 

  However, at the right time instead of ringing
signal sounded quite rude
popping sound.

  The conductor kept his head and signaled the second trumpeter 
in the orchestra, which played the desired signal. During the 
intermission there was a scandal: - What would you have done! 
You almost wrecked me entire overture!

- Excuse me - confusedly murmured trumpeter
- But as soon as I lifted the pipe to her lips as she ran 
elderly beletersha and began her snatch from my hand, saying: 
"Are not you shame, the villain, because conducting great

Karajan!



                 *


  Toscanini was asked why the composition of his
the orchestra has never been a single woman.
- You see, - answered the maestro - Women
very disturbed. If they're beautiful, it prevented
musicians, if ugly, then more
hinder me.


                 *



  In Vienna, the case was heard by the two composers. One 
accused the other of that he stole his tune. As

Expert invited priehavshegoo there briefly Saint-Saens. When he 
got acquainted with the obeemi scores, the judge asked:

- So, Mr. Expert, who is still

  was injured?
- Jacques Offenbach, said Saint-Saens.


                 *


  One violinist who went for permanent residence in the popular 
country in the Middle East, suddenly decided to leave the 
homeland, its explaining the decision that has already twice 
been fired at the Arabs.

- What are you talking about? - Surprised him
pal-pianist. - I never imagined that the Arabs so well versed in
music!

                 *


  In Toronto gostroli came nyuyorkskaya Metropolitan Opera. " 
Performances were held in the palace of sport where you would 
normally pass hockey games. After the performance, reporter for 
a local newspaper called the conductor: - Are you satisfied 
with the result of the interventions? - I think that if players 
were in opera, it would have been much worse.



                 *


  Director of opera theater at the present
listening to the new opera.

  One of the singers sang the aria with orchestral 
accompaniment. 

  The Director asked the conductor:
- What is that tune?
- What, - furious asks the conductor -

  the one played by the orchestra, or the one which
  ruyu sings Madame?



             OPERA NEWS


- What have you heard yesterday at the opera?
- Oh, very interesting. Kravchenko of movement
  zeros in the ministry, under the Julia Polyakova
  sheared, and Gosha Struve fourth time

  married.


                 *



  Put "Rigoletto." There was a scene where the clown
in desperation, tearing their hair out, learning about
disgrace of his daughter. In an orchestra whisper
two ladies.

  The lady is not too educated:
- What is he fell into a tantrum?

  Dama more educated:
- You see, before it was considered a sin ...


                 *


  During the performance a dancer, not designed, ran away, so 
that siganula in the orchestra pit, right on the head of 
violinists. Elderly bass, interrupting the game, adjusted 
displeasure glasses and muttered: - You're crazy! Do not 
interfere with work! 



                 *

- Yesterday I watched "Spartacus" at the Bolshoi.
- Yes? Who did he play?



     A revolutionary situation in the choir


  This is when the upper classes can not, and the lower classes 
do not want to ... 


              ON THE COMPETITION

Contestant: We will not judge my voice.
Arkhipov: It is true to nothing and the court is not.



              PRO ET on ...

- Honey, do you like the sound of my
A new harp?
- This strip piano? That there may
please?

                 *


  Novice student of Bach asks his
brilliant teacher:
- Maestro, I think that my body never

  master ...
- What are you, my boy, in fact it is the

  the same piano, but with the disadvantage that

  For some reason all the time sniffs.



          FOR EXAMINATION IN CONSO

- Who is Eugene Onegin?
- Baritone.


           At the rehearsal CHOIR

- Tenor, let fa!
- Give the music ...


                 *


  Dialogue at the Philharmonic:
- Say that today marks?
- Fifth Symphony.
- Thank God that my wife and I were late for

  the first four!


                 *


  The Conservatory:
Professor: In your home work on the composition of solid 
fortissimo, as in 9 of Beethoven's symphonies. Student: So from 
what Beethoven was deaf! 


                 *


  Dialogue between the two soloists of ballet:
-Why do not you can get into the rhythm?
Yes, you know, the music knocks ...


                 *
- Yesterday I was at a birthday party at Petukhova
and for two hours playing the piano.
- Properly done! I also can not stand her!


                 *


  Conductor of the symphony orchestra is drawn to the musicians:
- And now we play the triumphal march of

  "Aida."
- How? - A low voice asks one

  of the musicians, but only that it played!.


                 *

- How can it be, just that you quit
  Does the soloist rotten apples, but now he

  applaud!
- I wish he again went Pockley
  nitsya - left me with two more.


                 *


  Judge:
- I'm somewhere you come across.

  Defendant:
- Yes, I would give your daughter singing lessons.

  Judge:
- Twenty-five years of hard labor!


                 *


  Artist of the choir sits at home. Doorbell.
- Excuse me, living here Peter V.?
- No, Peter V. lives in an apartment

  above.


                 *

- And why not perform the work of the choir director?
- Well that you, why spoil a concert?


                 *


  One day a friend of Giacomo Puccini -
mediocre composer, said sarcastically:
- You're too old, Giacomo. Perhaps I'll write
funeral march to your funeral, and to avoid
late, I'll start tomorrow.
- Well, write to - sigh Puccini - I'm afraid
only that it will be the first time
Funeral booed!


                 *


  At a rehearsal of the choir Greater
Theatre present G. Sviridov. At the end of rehearsal, he turned 
to the chorus: - And now, I beseech you, sing me an ordinary 
triad, otherwise I can not today good sleep!



                 *



  The apron profile obtained in 1933
Imperial House of Music, Richard
Strauss came across the following question:
"What else can you prove your composer specialty? Name as a 
well-known composers of the two famous composers. Reserve right 
to require the author's manuscript guarantors. 

  Angered by Strauss wrote: "Mozart and
Wagner.


                 *


  Freshmeat lobbied long and hard in the library of the 
Conservatory: - Give me the notes Googie!


  Long and unsuccessfully trying to understand what
she actually wants.

  Finally someone guesses:
- Maybe you need Opera Meyerbeer

  "Huguenots"?
- Well, - happily nods student - I did you just said!


                 *


  After the U.S. trip Mstislav Rostropovich
summoned to the Special Division of the Ministry of Culture and 
asked: - Mstislav as you dare

leave the host country of your future tours program, without 
coordinating it with us?

- Yes, you know ... like that ... and what can not?
- Do you still ask! Immediately write
new program. Here! Now!


  Rostropovich at first confused, then
angry, and wrote:


  1. Mozart, Concerto for Cello Op
     orchestras (as is well known, Mozart has never

     do not write for the cello).


  2. Bellini. Sonata for Cello, Flay
     You and harpsichord (the same story)


  3. Ritallani. Cello Concerto with
     Lo. (Of this composer at all in
     kind does not exist).


  Ministry of Culture approved the selection of the maestro, 
nice print a list of printed and

assured the minister, sent in the U.S..


  According to Rostropovich, the host just laid off two staff 
for that they could not find the above

works by Mozart, even in Salzburg
archive, and general manager just did not go mad trying to 
remember the melody Belinievskoy sonata. No one had any 
questions. 

                 *