Humor - Tales of Grandfather Vampire.

                                        
                                        
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
                                        
                        Генри Лайон ОЛДИ
                                        
                                        
   -  Дедушка! Дедушка! Расскажи сказку!
Дедушка!..                              
   Крошки-упырешки  веселой гурьбой вле-
тели в склеп, и тот мгновенно наполнился
их звонкими, жизнерадостными голосами.  
   - Деда! Сказку!..                    
   Дедушка-вампир, кряхтя, сдвинул утеп-
ленную крышку гроба, с грустью посмотрел
наunread newspaper and sent everyone to
grandmother.                                
   - And grandma says that she loves you
I saw the coffin, and you lie there all day
with her newspaper and nothing for her around the house
you help!..                            
   “Oh, kids,” grandpa grumbled.
vampire sitting in the domino and stroking
with a bony hand, curly heads of grandchildren.
- How much of my blood is your grandmother?
saw... Oh well, it’s all a saying,
and the fairy tale will be ahead...               
...In some kingdom, some state
state, in a distant galaxy on
spiral turn, near a distant constellation
Once upon a time there were aliens in the Gemini Hounds. Then
they are themselves, of course, aliens
didn’t consider it and were even offended, but since
they came to us on Earth - that means they were aliens,
and that's it. Now they won't get away with it.        
For there were others nearby,
half-aliens, from Sigma Goat-Swan,
only those came to us, came, but never
they've arrived, that's why they call them - half-alien-
tsy, or even half-newcomers, and more we are talking about
we will not remember them.                
 Twell, these are the ones from the Hounds
Gemini, and in common parlance - goblins,
were entirely arthropods, arthropods
grey,arthro-ears, and all this polynomial
uniform green color. And they wanted
bitches, insert our Mother Earth
yourself to Galapendra (Galactic Imperial
ria in goblin style) in the form of a segment, yes
so small that nothing could be said in a fairy tale
I can’t even describe it with a pen, but still
It's a shame.                                 
 Nashi, earthlings, they were first sent where
should - but only those flew away quickly -
to subspace according to the specified
address and returned nervous, angry and
accompanied by three cruisers, two
line and small support groups. Here
That's when it came to me about membership
forced to collect two secret
meetings.                              
Pfirst, of course, at the UN. Russians with
Americans are shouting that it is necessary according to ag-
hit the spring with a nuclear club, and
then cutting down is expensive and a pity; and the rest
they are afraid of retaliatory measures - and it would be good
according to Russians or Uncle Sam, and so
in the heat of the moment and Luxembourg some kind of hook-
they can drink!..                           
A second meeting in the Vatican con-
I was waiting.  And the hierarchs gathered for it
Christian, as well as all sorts of other
deliberative voting rights, and decided
holy fathers their flock, withoutdifferences
religion, immediately call for religious
consecrated war against the Antichrist
until the bitter end, forgive me, gentlemen,
di...                                   
Infrom only goblins, green mold,
Both of these meetings were scanned and it’s time
they were angry a lot, because they were completely
notorious monarchists, atheists, mathematicians
realists and polymorphists.                
Zthey asked for the central side
computer, which is somewhat primitive
cultures was considered a great deal, and with its
clues declared themselves to be the angels of the Lord -
them - yes, the hierarchs are also no strangers!
Instantly the deception was exposed and anathematized
and on television they declared that our God is with
our devil somehow got to
stealing, without self-appointed intermediaries!..  
Andthen the insidious one among the goblins matured
plan...                                 
                                        
                                        
   ...In Rome, in St. Peter's Cathedral there was a
story.  His Holiness, Pope Pius XXIV
stood in the pulpit, and five cardinals
rustled around the pontiff with crimson
silk cassock.                           
   - The Day of Judgment is approaching, my children, and
coming...                               
 Tthe final date of Judgment Day was named by Pope Pius
I didn’t have time to fight. The front door rattles
swung open, the rays of the lanterns hit the
eyes of the head of the Christian world and in
Goblins with emitters in the doorway rose
upper arms.                     
   “Psychotherapy...” I thought detachedly
Papa Pius. - Hallucinogens, irradiation, and
in a week I will call on the naive believers
to renunciation and humility... Be gone, Sata-
na!.."                                  
Eth thoughts were interrupted by an imperious bass
Cardinal Lorenzo:                      
   - On your knees, my children!..             
Andwhen the lambs of God obediently collapsed
on your knees, His Eminence is indecent
lifted up his cassock and snatched the stole from under it
good "Uzi", caliber 9 mm, left-
held by the cardinal since his service in
US Marine Corps.                     
   - Amen, bastards!                    
 Rscience did not let the retired sergeant down
Lorenzo.  And the saints from Michelangelo's frescoes
glanced with envy at the new argument
in the matter of faith.                            
   - I forgive you your sins, - dad
Pius hastily dawned on the quick-witted
prelate with the sign of the cross and dived into
door behind the pulpit....And then there were twists and turns, secret
transitions, cobwebs sticking to sweaty face
tunnels, and eventually the pontiff
realized that he was alone. Cover group -
three younger cardinals and the Bishop of Genoa -
remained far behind, and Pope Pius, for-
out of breath, ran through the night Rome, stumbling
repented on the upturned cobblestones of the outskirts,
until I stopped at the cast iron fence
Cemetery of San Felice.                    
   - Funny coincidence... - hoarsely
whispered the persecuted Holiness and
pulled the gate leaf towards itself.         
Za catching creak sawed the night over-
howl...                                  
                                        
                                        
   ...Vampire Giovanni, old resident of the cemetery
San Felice, was extremely surprised to discover
alive at his native crypt of the strange
stranger.                             
   “Zombie...” thought Giovanni.  He
I heard that somewhere in Africa he has
relatives, but the appearance of a zombie represented
I feel weak because I haven’t gone anywhere
further than Florence.                       
   - Who are you? - he asked carefully
Giovanni, hiding in the shadows and pulling
treacherously shiny upper lip
fangs.                                  
   “Dad, I...” came the answering sigh.
   - Whose dad? DGiovanni was very afraid of schizophrenics and
maniacs who have recently become more frequent
to resting places.                      
   - Roman... Pius XXIV. In general, my
Holiness...                         
DJovanni relaxed and crawled out of his hiding place.
Tia. He always classified ordinary psychos as
with sympathy.                         
   - Very nice. And I'm Giovanni. To you -
feast What's the problem, dad?              
Andthe hunted pontiff, obeying
on an unknown impulse, I told him everything...
   - So what? - shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment -
Mi Giovanni at the end of the confusing narrative
vaniya.  - What difference does it make to me? Drank
red blood - now drink green
I'll become... All the variety, otherwise the stomach
started to play around with something.  After all, I knew
that you can't touch drug addicts...        
   - You don’t have a cross! - dad got angry
Pius, slamming his tiara to the ground. - How are you?
only the tongue turned!..               
   - Don’t worry about my tongue! He's at
I'm agile!.. And the cross, of course
matter, no... where does he come from, the
the one if I'm a vampire?                   
   -  Here you go! What am I talking to you about?! You
but ours, here, of earthly blood... In
in a sense - a non-human. That means I am a person, and you arenon-human  Unity and struggle of opposites
news  And these are aliens!  Strangers then
there are... foreigners.                       
   - Foreigners?!                         
 Xa rippling drunken bass shook the air
crypt, and an unkempt
head with a red potato nose.       
   - Where are the foreigners?!  Saryn them for kitsch
ku!..                                   
Nit is necessary to note that on the third day
Giovanni came to visit his bosom
friend - the ghoul Nicodemus from distant Si-
biri.  How was it preserved there forever?
permafrost and what he ate in his tundra -
No one knew this for certain, but relatively
Nicodemus’s visit to foreigners was in
in the oppressive environment the talk of the town.
 DGiovanni barely managed to introduce his friend to
the course of affairs is like the darkness of the San cemetery
Felice was cut through by dazzling rays
spotlights.                            
   “It’s behind me,” said Papa Pius,
looking sadly at the goblin patrol.     
   - Goodbye, guys. I was glad to meet you
sweat...                               
   - What?!                              
GNicodemus' rosy roar shook the bars
fence, and from under its swinging sa-
Van looked outthe edge of the vest.        
   - Yes, so that we are ours, blood, with this
Gave it to the lungfish?! I will never die
apparently! Vanya, why did you open your mouth - get up?
guys!  There is no point in sitting in crypts,
when the Motherland calls!..              
   - Si, signor colonelo! - stretched out
frunt Giovanni beamed and headlong
rushed to the nearest tomb, from where
someone's curious face stuck out
Mia.                                    
ANikodim has already scratched on the lime
walls in large letters:                 
                                        
        "DEAD HAVE NO SHAME!"        
                                        
                                        
Nand the next morning most newspapers
published under the headline: "Roman Cemetery
San Felice - the last stronghold of mankind
quality!.."                              
 AND in many newsstands around the world
at night cautious steps were heard, and
the scarlet eyes darted over the small
line font...                       
Insoon the international
brigade: Upyrevichyus, Upyrenko,
d'Upyryak, Upyridze, Upyyr and the intendant
Wurdman. Last one immediatelyscolded-
with Nicodemus, not seeing eye to eye
at the crucifixion of Christ, and Pope Pius had to
reconcile scandalists, citing precedent
dents from the Old and New Testaments.      
Ininternal disagreements were interrupted by the appearance of
half a company of goblins, alarmed
missing patrol. They scattered in a chain
and began to comb the cemetery in vain.
in the hope of finding and putting in place
the obstinate governor of St. Peter.        
Pthe ontiff was securely hidden in one of the
tombs, and the patriots looked at each other and
got to work.                    
Mrame angels of tombstones with curious
we watched what was happening in the night,
reminiscent of a scene from an erotic film
ma, which angels are not recommended to watch -
it happened. Shadows flashed everywhere, they intertwined
melted, fell into the lilac bushes, out of the darkness
sounds of sucking, smacking,
groans and weakening exclamations on three ha-
lactic adverbs...                 
Ethis was repeated for several nights
row - daytime searches invariably failed
fiasco, and the exhumation did not give any
result - and soon the command
The newcomers were seriously worried.         
 AND there was a reason...                    
Ubitten goblins the next day
became convinced pacifists,
seemed to be built according to height, led by
razhenskie agitation, drowned in toilets
government-issued weapons and everyone was pestered with
with their brotherly kisses - what threatened
epidemic.                              
 Tover time, Nikodim and company successfully
make sure that the green liquid
bone flowing in the veins of the occupiers, similar to
the desire for Benedictine liqueur is not only color
vol.  This was apparently due to the system
my blood circulation is alien, reminiscent
having formed a coil in the section.               
 Tone way or another, attacks have become more frequent, and
during breaks you could see
swaying independence fighters and
personally Nicodemus, dancing to the coloratura
soprano Giovanni:                   
                                        
 - Eh-ma, we'll wait,
                  We'll live and then we'll die!
                   Afterwards we will become a ghoul -
               We will crush the enemy into powder!..
                                        
                                        
Potom Giovannigot lost on "Santa"
Lucia" and climbed up to Pope Pius with assurances of
friendship until the grave.                        
Nand there were clearly no unruly ghouls
no authority, but the pontiff understood -
This cannot go on for long. Too
he knew well the greedy and religious
the broken nature of the human race...   
                                        
Papa looked into the water. In a week
a certain slimy personality appeared to the aliens
ness.  The conversation took place behind closed doors
doors, but one of the goblins unknowingly
I forgot to lock the window, and the big fly-
tea mouse with suspiciously innocent eyes -
kami fluttered into the room and hid in
corner behind a portrait of Leonardo da Vinci.    
   - ... yes, your blasters, gentlemen, they
After all, what's a poultice for a dead man! Pulku from
you need silver, an aspen peg yes
bunch of garlic! So let's change, yours
multi-membership - I have the technology you need,
and you give me the reward promised. Zolotishko,
diamonds, and first of all - a tank
cognac of the best, and so many stars
Enough for half the galaxy!..              
 Mthe saucy little man giggled and spat
saliva, and with each member they listened
goblins according to the traitor...-Who's there? - he exclaimed in fear -
catcher, sitting down on the rumpled bed.        
                                        
   “Who’s there, who’s there...” muttered from
darkness.  - We are there... Only not there anymore,
and here...                                
 Pthe editor instantly sobered up, yes
it's all in vain because in a second
he himself was already “there”.                 
NIkodim walked away from the bed and took a long time
spat, rinsing his mouth with a gift horse-
yak.                                   
                                        
                                        
   ...The Goblins tried their best. Hastily
precious warheads were cast, la-
grain saws felled aspen trees one after another,
jet jets were installed on the gliders
colometa - the time for the decisive moment was approaching
battles.                                  
                                        
                                        
   “Things are bad, dad,” he said gloomily.
Nicodemus told, bursting into the crypt,
served as the residence of the disgraced pontiff
ku. - They sold us. One pest, earth
May he rest in peace... Now expect trouble.  
   “If only we could get a transmitter,” dad sighed.
Pius. - They should have called for help. Just where is she
will you find this help?..                 
   -Help? - Ni- grinned thoughtfully
code  - You’re saying the point, dad... Here
Will they just make it in time? Well, okay, let's climb
out.                                 
   - Do you have a transmitter?
   “Yes, yes,” he assured dad.
Giovanni entered. - Come on, your sir-
My dear, hurry up...          
Hfive minutes later they were already standing in
the lower part of the cemetery.                  
   - Hey, Antonio!  - Giovanni knocked
clawed finger on one of the tombstones
beat.  - Well, get up, seal it with a curse -
exchangeable!..                               
   - What do you want? - came from underground
dissatisfied voice.                      
   - I say, get out! We need your head!
   - How to lead women - so Antonio
in a hurry, but how is the head... - muttered under
angry Antonio stove, but Nicodemus pe-
rebuked him:                              
   - Listen, Tosha, if you don’t immediately
calm down and don't get out, I'll tell you personally
I’ll pull you out by the legs and then that light will come to you
it will seem...                       
 
 Papa automatically re-
was baptized, and Jovan-
neitherswerved to the side-
well.                   
   - Well, take some sleep-
chill, and do not lie down
will give... 
 Pthe lita rose,
and in the ink hole
a stooped
skeleton with sour expression-
burning the skull.        
   - Understand, Tosha, -
soulfully stated
Nicodemus, - to us now
brainy guy in
as needed!.. 
   - Come on, - zas-
the skeleton was crowded. - Be-                  
Rita, if necessary...                       
 AND took off the skull, handing it to Niko-
mu.                                     
   - Where is Wurdman?!  - shouted satisfied
ghoul, stroking Antonio's smooth ma-
kushka. - Where is this face...               
   “You’re a fool yourself,” the touchy one interrupted him.
Wurdman, appearing from nowhere, is already
and you can’t visit your relatives... Der-
live, foul language!..                      
Nikodim took from him a pair of grayed
from the time of the tibia and folded the whole
set on the stove.                      
   - Signalman! Come here!               
 Pa skinny bespectacled man running towards the scream
Upyrevičius grinned, took the bones and
began to cheerfully tap on the wide-loop
Antonio's skull bomb is a cross between
Morse code and tarantella.                
   - Don’t stab like that - it hurts! - by-
the skull wrinkled, but they didn’t pay attention to it
no attention, and he fell silent offended.
Ssignals of the rebellious cemetery of San
Felice quickly rushed towards the Moon,
reflecting from its disk and reaching in the fall-
research in many areas of the Earth; and in those months-
the loose soil began to move, trembled
ancient mounds, creaked rotten
the crosses began to rise with a grinding sound
heavy gravestones... - Polundra! - Niko suddenly interrupted
Let's have a communication session. - The invaders are approaching!
Dad - go to cover, the rest take position
tions! Don't be afraid, lads, let's take some green tea
at last!..                           
Withlet the enemy's gliders momentarily
the last one has already been ironed with silver bullets
bastion of free thought. Cassette tapes barked
hammers, aspen mowed down the defenders of one
after another, and a suffocating cloud of garlic
the smell spread over the shaking earth.
The heroic bats beat their chests in
protective caps of cars, and in the flashes it became
the figure of Nicodemus is clearly visible, standing
standing under bullets in full height and shouting
who said in a broken voice:              
   - Not a step back!  Great is the Earth, and
there is nowhere to retreat!  Who knows the spells -
shoot down the parasites!..                     
InVurdman, leaning out, hastily fenced
muttered something in Hebrew, but it didn’t matter
melo of special action.                  
   - Unscrew yours through the yoke in
God's soul will be eaten three hundred thousand times
a louse in your wing and a cactus in your throat! -
roared the enraged Nicodemus.            
   “Amen,” he added timidly from the crypt.
Papa Pius.                               
Ga violent mixture of Hebrew and Latin with chal-
Don dialect forced two gliders
explode in the air.             
   - Guys! - he suddenly shouted from the window -
and the hoarse Upyrenko.  - They are on foot
rod!..                                 
   - Forward! - Nikodim shouted, jumped up -
howling at the parapet and tearing at the chest
a faded vest. - Follow me, brother -
wow! Let's show arthropods how to die
fight for the second time!..                   
Andthey stood behind Nicodemus' broad back
full-length black-haired vampires Flo-
Rencia and Genoa, the hook-nosed ghouls of the Balkans,
mustachioed ghouls of Little Russia and the Carpathians...
Othey went into their last attack.      
Ma long-voiced roar echoed nearby
behind the southern crypts, the roar of hundreds of throats,
and Nicodemus turned around for a moment - and
froze, looking in bewilderment at the slender skin
Lons marching to the cemetery of San Felice
from the distant hills.                      
Ohthey didn’t hear. They made it on time.    
Ikshi of Fujian and Xebei, zombies of Benin and
Zumbezi of the lower Congo, Almasty of Bishkek and
tengu Yamato, rakshasas of Delhi, ge Hanoi, gu-
whether Saudi Arabia,uaigi of Ossetia, nir-
riti of Angola, polteniki of Bulgaria, bhuts
Malaysia and Indonesia...                 
   “Ours...” Nicodemus whispered, taking a bite.
lip with smoky fangs, and along unshaven
Tears ran down his cheeks. - Ours are coming...
Here it is, international solidarity, here it is
he is the last and decisive...          
 DGiovanni prayed.                    
 Rthe poisons of the goblins mixed, and the aliens
began to randomly retreat to their co-
slaves                                 
   - Yeah, you bastards, I don’t like it! - Nicodemus
grabbed the stunned man with a death grip
from the horror of the invader. - Drink up to the bottom, guys -
ta!..                                   
Withthe gray sky almost simultaneously
til several pillars of fire - gob-
the Linians started in panic, rushing to carry away
trembling limbs.                     
 And then a little boy ran towards them
a bald Jew getting tangled up in long
the hem of old-fashioned clothing;  and behind him,
as if on a leash, inexorably approaching
Pillar of Fire of Jehovah.                  
   “Uncle...” - Vur squeaked in shock.
dman, but the great Kabbalist Rabbi Arie-
Leib didn’t even turn around, carried away by the press
research.Oa blinding flash illuminated the Earth,
and the invasion was over.          
                                        
   - What next?!.                        
   - Next...                          
 Dedushka stood up, and his shroud was dim
flashed the medal "For the Defense of the Earth" and
even "Vampire Veteran" badge.           
   - Continue as usual.  And they began
live and live...                        
   - And chew the hematogen! - in chorus the law-
chili shining grandchildren.                     
 Dedushka smiled happily and directed
wound towards the outer door of the crypt, where in
correspondence was already waiting for him in his mailbox.
dentia: municipal weekly "Iz"
lives of the dead", popular science brochure
ra "The Bright Side of the Crypt" and a letter.   
Zhaving collected the mail, grandfather padded towards the
fridge and pulled out a pot-bellied
back with the inscription on the sticker: "Blood
canned with adrenaline. Drink oh-
well-groomed." One of the grandchildren would reach out
lo for another bottle with dark green
liquid, but the old ghoul is strict
He pulled back the unhearing man and slammed the door.     
   - Still too small!   Nothing to drink
get used to it!  This is from those... strays...
Likeindemnities. This is what we take...
On attached to the initially selected
new vessel and, having made a thorough
gulp, grunted contentedly.               
   - A good thing, however... with adrenaline-
vigilante  Invigorates! And good for health
but...                                   
Othe besotted grandson turned on the TV and
The cheerful voice of the announcer said:           
   - And now the program “For those
who does not sleep in eternal sleep..."             
 Dedushka settled down in a chair, turned down
sound and printed out the letter written
in an unstable child's handwriting and beginning
whispering words:                          
 "Dear grandfather Nikodim! He writes to you
girl Varya from your home village of Ku-
Kuychikovo.  I want to be like you and
When I grow up big..."