Humor - About fidoshnik and hell.

 Author unknown.

 Fido & Hell

     The Lord of the Flies spat with relish
ashtray on the table, raising a cloud sharply
sulfur-smelling ash.  Wrinkling his nose, he
took it out of the inside pocket of his jacket
bottle of 'Chanel No. 5', which he used for the occasion
snuck away in some earthly store.
Sprinkling around himself, Lord
sniffed it and to be sure, took a sip from
bottle. The liquid clearly reeked of acetone
and some other oil derivatives, but this
did not bother the unpretentious taste
Overlord.
     Something else irritated him, namely his
new should.   Having spent more than one century
field agent, the Overlord reached this
field of unprecedented heights, which recognized
even this upstart Mephisto, let them stick together
his insides.  The overlord grabbed
his nervously twitching tail and
frantically tucked it under the belt of his trousers.
The heat here was hellish, and two more
sinner, whose duties included
rotate the blades of a large fan
abandoned what they were doing and dropped their jaws
stared at the new owner.  Overlord
hissed and threw an empty one at them
ashtray and fan again
creaked.  Promotion! These idiots said
about promotion!       Be personalsecretary-assistant to the Boss, undoubtedly
great honor, but to exchange space and
romance of a field farmer on a stuffy rat
trap of office routine? 'Where was mine
head?'  - thought the Lord. But the solution
accepted, one way or another his career made him
powerful upward thrust.  The overlord grabbed
all fingers into the collar that was choking him and
loosened it by tearing out two buttons.  On
for a minute he felt better.
     The sudden noise attracted the scattered
the attention of the Overlord.  Entrance door with
opened with a knock, knocking out a bronze
pen made a deep mark in the covered
expensive wallpaper on the wall. Lord as usual
he winced and hissed - wallpaper for the reception room he
I picked it myself.  He translated throwing lightning
glance at visitors. There were three of them: two
The big-faced devil of the internal service was dragged
an inexpressive-looking personality.  Personally
looked around in amazement and squeezed
beer bottle in hand.
     - What..?  - he inquired hoarsely
Overlord.
     - Order, sir.. uh.. Beelzebub -
one of the devils scratched his ear with a trident.
     - What order to the Boss?! Are you crazy
did everyone go there? If every sinner
drag it here, their warehouse will be here. you
what, teach how to design new ones
receipts?  - the Lord's face expressed
doubt about the ability to teach anything
these idiots.
     - Well, this one...Order! -
the talkative devil poked cautiously
with a trident towards the massive, upholstered
with the skin of martyrs the door that led to
The Boss's office.
     The Lord thought about it.  Personality of themes
over time she stopped staring around and
stared at the Lord's table,
composed of polished skulls.
     - It’s okay tekctypka..
     These words brought the Lord out of
numbness.
     - Order... What order?
     The devils looked at each other and decided that
the question was still addressed to them, they explained:
     - These fidoshniks are ordered to be led
straight to Himself, without delay.
     - Fidoshnikov? Who are they?
     - Well, here he is... - the devil shook his
collar of the escorted person, why
her teeth chattered and there was gurgle in the bottle.
     - Yeah... A sectarian or something?
     The ruler was an expert in all kinds of
sects and religious movements.   For
the last operation with Aum Shinrikyo, when
through his efforts, more than one arrived at the office
a hundred souls at a time he got personal
thanks from the Boss.
     - You yourself are a sectarian! - individuals are clearly not
liked the last comment
Lord, she did unsuccessfully
an attempt to pull out the hand with the bottle.
     - Tsits! - The Lord did not tolerate empty things
chatter, - I don’t care, the order is so
an order, but it needs to be completed. Bring him here.
     Devils againlooked at each other and two
Step by step they hoisted the person into a chair for
visitors.     Personality, feeling
freedom in the wrists first thing
sucked on her bottle, after which
looking at the light and making sure of her
Devastated, she placed the bottle on the table,
directly to the folder labeled 'Inbox'
documents'. The overlord rummaged in the table and
I took out a blank form for a new arrival.
     - Name?
     - Rodion Petrov.
     - Address?
     - 2:50##/##.##
     The ruler looked up from the form and
he stared at Rodion from under his brow.
     - Where is this?
     “...,” he joked unoriginally.
fidoshnik.  The devils behind him are squeezed
grunted.
     - Answer questions! - shy away from
yelled at the table with his fist wet with sweat
Overlord. His voice broke and the last
he wheezed the word.  Sinking heavily into
from his chair he continued:
     - Cause of death?
     - Whose death?
     - Yours!  - The Lord began again
lose patience.
     - Am I dead?
     - No, you’re on an excursion in Hell, -
The Lord depicted the most terrible of his
smiles showing sharp fangs.
The devils grunted again, one with a ringing sound
dropped the trident.
     - Never mind treason! Is this like Hell?
     - Hell. So what did you die from?
     - I.. A X his Z.. Last call
I remember.. They drank - I remember.. Some girl..
What's her name... Aleftina?No.. Ah! Angelina! Ugh..
We were still drinking.. Baaaltiky, - Rodion with
looked with lust at the empty bottle,
but there was no more beer in it.
     “I don’t remember,” he sighed.
     - It's clear. Alcohol intoxication.
     - What kind of group is this? Shrugged at
Do you have any freke?
     -  What? Where? - pen in the hand of the Lord
froze and he stared at Rodion.
     - Lamer.  Press.  - said Rodion
addressing one of the devils. Damn it at least
didn't understand anything, but nodded, then
looking at the Overlord just in case
shook his head.
     The Lord gritted his teeth and began
continue to rustle the pen on the paper.
     - Mr. Beelzebub.. - one of
the devils coughed, the order said
"immediately".     We need that..
Accompany.
     “Just a second,” hissed the Overlord.
through clenched teeth without looking up from his
classes, there must be order.
     - What kind of office, not just one company?
no, poor people or what? And also Hell!
     "The arrogance of these little people is not
knows boundaries" - quoted to himself
Lord of his first word
mentor.
     - That's all.  - The Lord gave
one of the devils covered in writing and smelling
gray form - I will report.
     He picked up the phone.
     - Your Infamy, you have a visitor.
Yes, fidoshnik.  Fine. - he returned the phone
in place. - Enter, he's waiting.
     The devils opened the dooroffice and
shoved Rodion into the twilight reigning
inside.
 What happened in the office -
unknown, but in half an hour the door
swung open and they burst into the reception area
Rodion's embrace with the Boss, who accepted
some completely indecent look dressed in
the young man's wrinkled jeans.
     - .. and He tells me - no
I commit adultery, and I give him +RU.SEX, and He
says don’t steal, and I give him +$CRACK$ -
Boss said in a slurred voice and
they both laughed.
     The boss straightened up and looked around
reception room and the Lord pursing his lips.
     - A.. Take it.. Take it.. Take it! How to
new place?
     - My gratitude knows no bounds, Yours
Nasty.
     - What is he calling him names?   - Rodion
pointed an accusatory finger at the Lord.
     - Spaaakoina, Rodya, this is my title.
So... You!  - The boss turned to
to the nearest devil.   - Look at him, now we
we will finish the market and deliver it safely and
to the Earth.  Reanimatologists himself
you will find it, understand? You answer with horns.
     -  You!  - he turned to the other
damn it, run there for the box
"Zhigulevsky" - he pulled out of the air
several crumpled bills and handed them to the devil.
     - Oops! - Rodion opened his mouth.
     “I’ll teach you,” the Boss reassured and grabbed
I dragged him by the shoulders back to the office, -
because, you say, we need routing npokuhytb..When the door closed behind them, the devils,
as usual, after exchanging glances, they melted into
clouds of yellow smoke.   Smoke hung over
office - sinners at the fan again
swooped down and looked around, instead
in order to work. The Lord fumbled
on the table, but instead of the missing one
ashtray hand came across an empty one
a bottle of fidoshnik.  He hissed and from all over
threw the bottle at the sinners,
he put his head in his hands and began
curse the day and hour when he left
operational work.