Humor - Erotic jokes.

 Chamomile and cornflower bloom on the forest
clearing
 - Chamomile, do you love me?
 - I love.
 - Do you want me?
 - Want.
 - I wish these bees would come soon!

 While the husband was not at home, he came to his wife
her new lover is Carlson. Suddenly a call
at the door. What to do? Here Carlson was found.
 - I have a propeller! - And out the window.
 My husband came in.
 -Who did you have?
 - There was no one.
 - I ask - who?!
 - There was no one!
 - Okay, whose pants are these then?
propeller?

 Today on the stage of our theater
erotic drama in three acts.

 A young man and a girl are sitting on a bench.
The young man is very shy. Here's to the girl
I want him to kiss her, she and
says:
 - Oh, my cheek hurts!
 The young man kisses her on the cheek.
 - Well, does it hurt now?
 - No, it doesn't hurt.
 After some time:
 - Oh, my neck hurts!
 He kisses her on the neck:
 - Well, does it hurt?
 - No, it doesn't hurt.
 An old man sits nearby and asks:
 - Young man, you don’t have hemorrhoids
are you treating?

 Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, carrying
a basket of pies for grandma, stomping from behind
legs Looks - a crowd of loafers, a man
ten. Well, he thinks they’ll rape him now. And
so as not to suffer, she took off her panties, lay down and
waiting.
 He hears the stomping rush past, opens
eyes - no panties and no basket.
 Moves on. Towards the same one again
the gang is rushing... Now for sure
will be raped, Riding Hood thinks and lies down on
land. The crowd rushed past. Opens
eyes see: emptybasket, and in it
panties and a note: “They took the pies to grandma,
the panties were washed. Timur and his team."

 Two women are traveling on the train: one
young, one old and three men.
The train enters the tunnel, a sound is heard
kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.
 The young woman thinks: “Here she is, the old woman,
Kissing... No, they would kiss me!”
 The old one thinks: "Look, you youth
went. They kiss the first people they meet!"
 The first man thinks: "Once again in
We’ll enter the tunnel and I’ll kiss you again!”
 The second one thinks: “One more kiss - more
I'll hit you once!"
 The third thinks: “They’ll hit you again - on
I'll get off at the next stop!"

 A business traveler wants to buy his wife a
gift bra. The seller wants to know
size:
 - Well, at least in form what it is:
peach, apple, little melon?
 - Spaniel ears...

 Two friends met. One in
hands a box with a TV.
 - Where did you get such a deficit?
 - Yes, I went to Nyurka’s, had a drink,
had a bite, and then she went to bed
plopped down, and how she begged: “Vasya,
take my most precious thing!"

 Two roosters are sitting on a fence in the city:
urban and rural. They are bored.
The village guy says:
 - Come on, shall we crow?
 - Let's better go to the cookery - on
Let's see naked chickens.

 Two friends meet. One
boasts:
 - I'm about to get married...
 - Congratulations... And on whom, if not
secret?
 - Yes, you know her. Tatiana from
Melitopol.
 -Are you out of your mind? This is the last one
woman! All with herMelitopol got laid!
Stop even thinking about marriage!
 Six months later they meet again.
 - How are you doing?
 - Yes, I got married.
 - Who is this on?
 - Yes, on Tatyana from Melitopol.
 - How could you! I told you
I warned you! The whole of Melitopol is with her
got laid!
 - Yes, I went to this Melitopol.
So... A small town, in general...

 Evening at a Paris police station.
The man on duty cleans his nails with a file. Runs in
policeman:
 - Monsieur, on the Boulevard des Capucines
prostitutes fight with homosexuals!
 The attendant continues to clean his nails:
 - Well, how are ours doing?

 - What is the name of a man who
wants to, but can't?
 - Impotent!
 - And who can, but doesn’t want to?
 - Bastard.

 At an appointment with a sex therapist:
 - Doctor, my husband is 200% impotent.
percent!
 - How so?! Well I am one hundred percent
I understand...
 - So it was, but yesterday he faltered
and bit his tongue.

 A granny is walking down the street, and towards her
completely naked girl. Granny
was indignant:
 -Are you crazy, honey?
 - No, grandma, it’s just on me
erotic dress!
 - So you would iron him first
ironed...

 A woman gives birth, but no way
will give birth.
 The doctor advises her:
 - You know, accept the original
position...
 - I can’t, doctor, it was in the car,
and their legs were sticking out of the windows...

 What do women think about when they look at
ceiling?
 Mistress: - Will he come or not?
 Prostitute: - Will he pay or not?
 Wife: - Whitewash or not whitewash?

 On the railwaystrip near Paris
a couple makes love. Approaching
express The driver, seeing them, begins
beep loudly and then turn on
emergency braking. Express
stops literally a meter from
couples. The driver jumps out and with a strong
runs up to the couple, cursing. At this time
young man rises, buttons up
trousers and a disarming smile says:
 - Monsieur, one of us should have
stop. Sorry, I couldn't...

 The wife hid her lover in the closet. That one
I sat in the closet half the night, I couldn’t stand it,
put on his fur coat and began to quietly crawl out of
closet Then the husband woke up:
 - Who are you?
 - I? Mol...
 -Where did you take the fur coat?
 - I'll eat at home!

 Lecture at the Agricultural Institute. Professor:
 - One healthy stud bull
must have a day up to twelve
copulations...
 Female voice from the front row:
 - Excuse me, professor, how much?
 - Until twelve.
 - Please repeat for
last row!
 Male voice from the last row:
 - Tell me, professor, are we talking about
copulations with one cow or with
twelve?
 - From twelve, of course...
 - Thank you, please repeat for
first row...

 The husband returns home, the wife does not know
where to hide your lover? In the last
the moment she realizes to put it on
kitchen in the form of an antique statue.
 - What is this? - asks the husband.
 - I saw it from the Petrovs and bought it too.
It's in fashion now!
 We went to bed, at night my husband got up and went out to
kitchen, prepared tea,sandwiches and
handed it to the “statue”.
 - Do you want something?
 - Yeah...
 - Eat - I know when I stood at the Petrovs -
not a single bastard cared...

 The son approaches his dad:
 - Dad, how did I turn out?
 - When your mother was a goat, and
your dad is a goat, we jumped and jumped and
got there...
 The son goes to his mother:
 - Mom, dad said that when you were
a goat, and he a goat, you jumped,
jumped and it turned out to be me?
 - No, son, it was not like that. Here
when I was a swallow, and Uncle Fedya was an eagle,
we flew and flew and arrived. And yours
Dad, he always remained the same asshole!

 Husband and wife are getting divorced. Judge
asks what is the reason for the divorce?
 Wife:
 - He tortured me. Some kind of sick...
Night is not enough for him! He also began to pester during the day.
 What do you say?
 - Yes, I still want to.
 - Did you go to the doctor?
 - Yeah. He said that I have -
sclerosis

 Quiet hour in kindergarten. Leader
middle group gets to know someone new:
 - Slysys, what is your name?
 - Silesa.
 - How old are you?
 - Probably sityle.
 - Are you drawn to zenshins?
 - Nope.
 - That means it’s not sityls, but aphids!

 A girl stands on the balcony and walks past
man. The girl suddenly shouts:
 - Man! I'm afraid of you!
 - Why are you afraid of me?
 - And you will rape me.
 - So how can I rape you if I
downstairs, are you on the balcony?!
 - And I’ll come down to you now...

 Medical school exam. Examiner:
 - Now, girl, what can you do?
say about the male genital organ?
 - I'm right, noI know... It seemed to me
what kind of bone is this, 25 centimeters long?
length.
 - Hm-yes... Well, the fact that this is a bone is for you
it really seemed, but otherwise
just lucky!

 Pinocchio came to Papa Carlo:
 - Dad, I met Malvina!
 - So what?
 - How is that? Give me a bitch!
 Carlo made a knot for his son. Pinocchio left
and soon returned back.
 - Well, son, is Malvina happy?
 - Why do I need Malvina, I have
there is sandpaper!

 Doorbell:
 - Neighbor, in group sex
will you participate?
 - Who else is coming?
 - Me, you and your wife.
 - Well, no, I don’t want that.
 - Okay, then we'll cross you out...

 Vovochka spies on how her mother
dad making love. Suddenly he hears:
 - Darling, who do you want: “A boy?”
or a girl?"
 - Well, now - a girl...
 A few minutes later dad comes out
bedrooms. Vovochka takes off his pants and
sticks his butt out:
 - Dad, I want a saber, markers and
bike!

 Conversation between two friends:
 - Oh, you know, I decided to sell mine
imported sofa.
 -Are you crazy? Why?
 - He always reminds me of
cheating on my husband.
 - Well, give it to me! Yes, if I sold
everything that reminds me of cheating on my husband,
then in my apartment, except for the lampshade and
There's nothing left of the iron!

 Leonid Ilyich, what do you like more?
New Year or sexual intercourse?
 - New Year!
 - Why?
 - He comes more often.

 A guy asks a girl to dance:
 - Girl, can I see you?
 - You can, onlyLet's dance first.

 - Girl, you can be invited to
a cup of coffee!
 - You can, but don’t smoke in bed!

 A French woman is asked:
 - You are during sexual intercourse
talking to your husband?
 - Yes, if there is a telephone nearby.

 On the bus, elderly but playful
a determined Frenchman sits opposite a lady,
which does not hide beautiful legs.
 - I'll give you a hundred francs, madam, if you
lift your skirt a little,” he whispers
he.
 The lady lifts it with a smile and, having received
promised, hides the bill in her purse and
adds:
 - So much more, and I’ll show you that
the place where they cut out my appendix...
 Monsieur immediately hands her another
bill
 “Right here,” says the lady and
points out the window at the clinic, past which
they are passing by.

 "Intergirl Sveta Muravyova announced
your body is a free zone
entrepreneurship".

 Morning dialogue:
 - Honey, you know when I am in the morning
I'll shave, I feel ten years old
younger.
 - Could you shave in the evening?

 Husband returned from the resort, wife
cooked dinner with a bottle, all in
waiting for something new.
 - Tell me, do you want anything else? -
asked playfully already in bed.
 - Yes... I would drink another hundred grams.
 - There's a check hidden in the refrigerator -
“Go have a drink,” the wife sighed humbly. - I
I foresaw what you would want. Come back
hurry up.
 The husband returned and lay down. Silent.
 - Well, what now?
 - I would like to drink more.
 Again to the kitchen, again back. Lay down.
Silence.
 - Well, - for the last time(not so much anymore
playfully) asks the wife, “and now?.. Not
do you want something like this?
new guy?
 The husband shuddered decisively:
 - Get out of bed... mmm... and
rest your hands on the carpet. And now I'll get out
on top of you... S-so... Now take it
me to the kitchen - there’s more in the refrigerator
fifty grams left.

 - Maruska, where did you tear your stockings?
 - It got caught on the tank.
 - For which tank?
 - Yes, on uniform.

 Two octogenarians go to
honeymoon trip. On the first night they
slowly, with anticipation, undress and
go to bed, the husband takes his wife's hand
his and holds it until he falls asleep. Same
the same thing repeats itself on the second and third nights.
On the evening of the fourth day, the husband tries again
take your friend's hand, but she
stops him:
 - Not today, honey. I'm in pain
head...

 Girlish memory: didn’t I give it to him?

 Sexual weakness: no one can do it
refuse.

 Flower and Bumblebee (dialogue):
 - Do you love it?
 - I love you
 - Are you getting married?
 - No.
 - Get off.

 Englishman and Russian.
 - I usually meet ladies at a bar.
We get into the Mercedes and drive to my place.
country villa. We drink coffee with cognac,
listen to light music, then go to bed.
There are many ways to make her
maximum orgasms, satisfy her
completely. In the morning I give her expensive things,
I’ll take you to the city, and give me three goodbye
thousands...
 - And I usually meet on the tram.
If she has half a liter, we go to her. I give
three rubles and- on a folding bed. And when in the morning
I leave and take the three rubles, she is in ecstasy.

 Comrades, today I will read to you
lecture on the topic "Syphilis". But first -
a small lyrical digression.
 As I remember now, my friend and I were sitting in
park on a bench, studying notes on
history of the party. What? Which party?... Yes
We were one party back then. History
famous... So, she sits next to us
The girl also takes out her notes.
Let's meet so we can study together
history. But a friend invites a girl to
movie, they're leaving. They left and I was left with
nose. And the friend was left without a nose. So,
lecture on syphilis...

 Question to a prostitute:
 - How do you have fun?
after work?

 - I would like to become famous
a movie star so everyone can talk about me
peace!
 - It’s not enough for you what everyone says about you
street?

 - Well, you are stubborn, young man! Naughty! I
After all, yesterday I told you: “No.”
 - Ah, so it was you!

 If a gentleman calls a lady darling,
that means he needs a cheaper lady.

 Should a gentleman cross his leg?
on a leg, if one leg is not his?

 Don't put off work until Saturday,
fucking old age!

 Prostitute hands over money in Parisian
bank.
 “Madam,” the employee tells her, “
sorry, but the money is fake!
 “Oh my God,” she screams, “it’s coming out.”
I was raped!

 Gentleman deciding to purchase on credit
car, discovers that he cannot
enough money for the down payment. In the evening he
sadly talks aboutthis wife.
 “Don’t be upset, honey,” he consoles.
his wife. - I have five thousand in my account
dollars.
 - I made it a rule to postpone
dollar every time you and I
making love.
 “Lord,” said the amazed husband,
if I had known about this earlier, I would have long ago
quit my job and took on you
seriously...

 - You heard, in our state from afar
a new law that prohibits
changing into a bathing suit right on
beach.
 - It doesn't bother me at all. I usually
I change clothes on the bus, on the way to
beach.

 At rehearsal. Young director
actress:
 - I'm afraid you'll have to replace yours.
airy transparent dress.
 Young actress:
 - But it suits me so well!
 Director:
 - You're right, but in the next scene,
when your fiancé says to you: “Darling,
admit it, you're hiding something from me,"
this sounds like a joke.

 “Boris,” he asks on the phone.
wife, - did you check - the circulation is today
cash lottery... You won
anything?
 “The dick won,” he answered with offense.
spouse
 - So look, don’t even think about taking it.
money!

 Friends talking.
 -Have you ever seen your husband's eyes?
blowjob time?
 - Yes! I was giving a blow job when
My husband came in unexpectedly. You have no idea
Imagine what his eyes were!

 Woman on a crowded tram
asks a neighbor:
 - Excuse me, you're at the next stop.
don't you come out?
 - No.
 - Then cum quickly, for me
go out.

 In the store.
 -Do you have soap?
 - There is only egg.
 - It's a pity, I wanted to wash myself all over.

 Brothel. The hostess shouts:
 - Louise, Louise, don't let Sir cum
he gave me a fake dollar!

 - What is an ideal husband and what is
ideal lover?
 - The ideal husband came home and found
wife and lover, will say: “You’re here for now
Finish up and I'll go get some coffee."
 - The ideal lover is the one who is in this
the situation will be able to end.

 Two friends meet.
 - How are you doing?
 - Yes, I suspect that my wife told me
cheating with the baker. Each time revealing
bed, I find bread crumbs in it.
 - A..a..a. Now I'm starting too
suspect that my wife is cheating on me with
We'll get fitters from our housing office.
 - What are you, tools in bed?
do you find it?
 - Not really. You know, no matter how I come
home, so the mechanic is lying in our bed.

 There is a queue for carrots.
 - For me, please, the thickest one, -
the buyer asks.
 - And for me it’s thinner and longer.
 - And for me, please, for some borscht.

 Vovochka comes to the doctor and asks:
 - Uncle is a doctor, and the seven-year-old girl
can you get pregnant?
 - No.
 - Blackmailer!

 She caught fish and he fried her

 - Doctor, my wife is having a spicy
red hair grows here.
 - Does this really bother you?
 - Not at all, but friends laugh

 - Today I am a girl from rape
saved
 - How?
 - I persuaded her.

 My husband bought boots. I came home and
no one notices. I went to the bathroom. It turns outnaked in new shoes.
 - Dad, what’s that hanging on you? -
asks the little daughter.
 - And this, daughter, is a pointer to shoes.
 - It would be better if you bought a hat! - says
wife.

 Conversation in bed:
 - ... and your salary too
small.

 My wife brought home a bottle of vodka,
put her in the bar and said:
 - Let him stand. Maybe come to us
someone will come, and maybe we will go to someone.
 At night, the wife clung to her husband, and he said to her:
 - Let him stand. Maybe I'll go somewhere, huh?
maybe someone will come to me.

 A man comes to work and
tells his colleagues:
 - I went to visit my mistress.
Just about to go to bed - the husband
the door rings. The mistress says: "Take
iron and linen." I kiss a bunch of laundry
re-ironed.
 Here one of the colleagues laughs!
 - Have you been to Sovetskaya 3, apartment 10?
 - Yes.
 - And I was there the day before yesterday, all the laundry
overwashed.

 Friendship is friendship, but what to do with libido?

 In the monastery:
 - Holy Father, can the soul
catch a cold?
 - Why, my son, what is the soul like?
air.
 - And yesterday I was walking past the abbot’s cell
and I hear him say: “My soul, do not go
barefoot halfway up, you'll catch a cold."

 The collective farm machine operator carried out a difficult
season of work and received a ticket to the south. B
The sanatorium arrived at night. Woke up this morning
went out onto the balcony and sees the sea beach dotted with
women's bodies.
 - Yes, you won’t rest here. Works
endless edge.

 One builder spent three years in
Africa. Worked under contract. Finallyreturns home, met at the airport
his comrades. He comes out thinner
tanned, holding a suitcase with colorful
stickers, and a little girl sits on her shoulder
monkey. He is surrounded by friends.
 - Well, how is it in Africa?
 - I'm tired, guys, I'm scared.
 - Van, how are things with women in Africa?
 - It’s bad with the food, guys, that’s all.
we buy at the market.
 - Van, tell me, how are things with the women?
 - The heat is terrible, it’s cool at night.
 - Well, why are you telling us all about the heat, how is it?
women there?
 The monkey is pulling Vanya's ear!
 - Dad, dad, tell them about the women.

 He and she make love. She told him:
 - Vasya, do you love me?
 He says to her:
 - What am I doing?
 She told him:
 - Vasya, maybe we can get married?
 He says to her:
 - Okay, let's call you.

 In America, statistics were collected: on what
reasons why men get out of bed at night.
 5% - to go to the toilet.
 15% - to go to work at night
shift.
 80% - to get dressed and go home.

 The lord asks the servant:
 - Tell me, James, what kind of horses do you want?
do you prefer?
 - You see, sir, when I go to
crow, for some reason I want to jump on
gray, and when I'm on gray, I think about
black
 - What kind of women do you prefer?
James? Blondes or brunettes?
 - You see, sir...
 - No need, James, I understand.

 The lord celebrates the wedding. After the wedding
bachelor guests go to a brothel and
they find the lord there. They are shocked.
 - Sir, why are you here, because you have
young beautiful wife?
 - Baby was so tired that she immediatelyfell asleep. Was it worth waking her up because
some few feet.

 - Tell me, are you, by any chance, not a son?
old Karamovich?
 - Yes, son, but what is “by chance”, I hear
for the first time.

 - Do you believe that love can be
eternal?
 - Certainly. Only partners change.

 - Daughter, why don’t you want to go out?
marry the father of your unborn child?!
 - But, mommy, how can I get married?
for a person I hardly know.

 A real gentleman will always let you in
lady ahead if there is a slit on her dress
behind.

 - You would demand a divorce if
Did you find out that your husband is cheating on you?
 - Are you crazy?! For this he is also
reward...

 - Van, and Van, what is a counter?
plan?
 - Well, for example, you tell me
you say: “Come on, Vanyusha, twice
today!" And I’ll give you a counter plan:
"No, Man, let's have three! Although we both know that
Even just one won’t work!”

 - Why do women need miniskirts?
 - To find out our maximum capabilities.

 Queue to the gynecologist. To the office
a man comes up and asks who
last one.
 “You understand,” they tell him, “this
turn to the gynecologist.
 - Well, yes, that’s what I need.
 - But you understand - this is a female doctor.
 - Tell me, is he the one who puts the spirals on?
 - Yes, he is.
 - Well, then, he takes it off.

 A young couple comes to a sex therapist.
The husband complains that they recently got married,
but due to lack of experience, he does not know
what to do with my wife.
 The doctor invites his wife to lie down on the couch
and shows it to her husbandmatrimonial
responsibilities.
 - Now you understand that you must
what to do with your wife? - asks the doctor.
 - Oh yes, doctor! But if you sometimes
If you're busy, who should I take her to then?

 There was only one thing in the erotic play
action, but how many acts!

 Woman washing in shared bathroom
communal apartment, and the neighbor stood on
stool in the hallway and looks through
glass top door. She noticed and
says:
 - Well, why are you staring, there’s no naked woman?
did you see?
 - I need you! I look whose soap
you are washing!

 - Honey, why are yours so long?
eyelashes?
 - And I cried a lot as a child.
 - It would be better if you wrote more...

 - Does it satisfy the Soviet engineer?
his job?
 - Certainly. In the morning, when the Soviet
an engineer rides on a bus to work, he
looks with interest at cute people
women. In the evening, when he returns from
work, no longer looks at women.
 So it's his job completely
satisfies...

 A singer comes to the opera house
get a job:
 - Tell me where your sofa is, on
which votes are checked?

 In the city of Seksonsk, production of a new
erotic magazine: "Technique for
youth."

 Night. The wife reluctantly rubs her eyes and
begins to energetically pull the blanket off
husband
 - What? Again? - exclaims pleadingly
he.
 - No, it’s time to go to work.
 - Hooray! Get to work! Get to work!

 The husband runs furiously around the small
shabby apartment. Jumps up to his wife:
 - No, well, tell me - could youwould cheat on me with someone else's man over a hundred
rubles?!
 The wife is indignant:
 - My God, how can you talk about me like that?
think? Did I give any reason for insults?
 “No, you answer,” the husband continues.
And for a thousand rubles?!
 - Well, dear, you know how we are
We live hard. You probably could have me
forgive and understand...
 - Enough! - The husband screams and
jumps up to his daughter: - Could you
give yourself to an African for 50 dollars?
 - Dad! - the daughter bursts into tears. How
can you - my father - think so about
me?!
 - OK! - the father shouts. And for a hundred,
for two hundred dollars - could you?!
 - Well, dad, you and mom are so little
earn money - you probably would have me
got it.
 - My God! - husband sits on a stool
and sadly hugs his head in his hands. - Two
Whores are at home - but we live like beggars!

 A twelve year old girl plays
sandbox.
 A man with a gun approaches:
 - Girl, do you want to live?
 - Is it with you, you goat?!

 In a public toilet near the long
there's a line of men at the urinal doing their thing
matter. Another one comes in here. Takes off his pants
sits down, but in a feminine way.
 One of those present could not stand it and
asks:
 - Sorry for being curious. Why are you
so, like a woman?
 - Yesterday he, the bastard, let me down so much,
It's disgusting to hold...

 Tour guide on the bus:
 - And now we are passing by the very
famous brothel in Las Vegas.
 The Soviet tourist jumps up:
 - Why???

 Two Englishmen are fishing. One
he biteshooks and pulls out
lovely mermaid. Having admired her, he
takes her off the hook and throws her back into
water. The second one is surprised:
 - But why?
 - But how?

 Jesus Christ made his way through the crowd to
a woman who was stoned, and
took her hand:
 - Let the one who is without sin be the first
throw a stone at her!
 The crowd was speechless. Suddenly through the heads
people were whizzed by the cobblestones. Christ
turned around irritably:
 - Well, how much can I tell you,
Mother - don't meddle in my affairs!

 Guy during a film festival
met a Spanish girl and
invited her to visit him at home in the evening.
During the day he resorts to his friend, the doctor:
 - You see, I’m visiting a Spanish woman this evening.
invited, and you know - they are so sultry there
women... Well, in general, would you give me
something so that I wouldn't be in front of her
disgrace yourself.
 A doctor friend prescribed him pills,
the guy accepted them as stated in
recipe. The next day they again
meet:
 - Well, tell me, how were you yesterday?
 - Great, eight times.
 - And she?
 - But she didn’t come...

 - Girl, are you going now?
 - They just go crazy.
 - Well then, are you going out?
 - They only get married.
 - Well, what are you doing then?
 - I’m coming out!
 - Oh, sorry, I didn't know what you had
Today is my birthday!..

 Two friends are talking:
 - Why don’t you go fishing?
 - Yes, you see, my wife won’t let me in.
 - And you do as I do. Everything from Friday
I prepare it and throw it away on Saturday morningthe curtains of the blanket, I look at my wife’s butt and
I say: “What an ass.” She is offended, we
we quarrel. I am for a fishing rod - and fishing. A
I come in the evening and we make up.
 My friend did just that. Prepared with
evening tackle. In the morning I pulled back the blanket:
 - What an ass... Come on, fishing!

 The French, husband and wife, almost
quarreled over deciding what color to paint
bedroom ceiling. The husband wanted blue, and the wife
insisted on pink. To solve this
question without damaging your pride friend
friend, they went outside and asked for
advice to a passerby.
 “I think,” the passer-by answered, “you
It's better to paint the bedroom ceiling pink
color
 - Why?
 - You see, your wife sees more often
bedroom ceiling than you...
 - Are you from the provinces?..

 How do women in different countries feel about
to husbands in front of lovers?
 American:
 - John, I think you won't bother me
do my little business.
 Frenchwoman:
 - Jean, move over! Paul jump to us!
 Russian:
 - Vasya, don’t hit him in the face! Tomorrow on
work!
 Ukrainian:
 - Taras, why? And who? Oh, I'm like that
messed up, so messed up...

 - Daughter, who is this young man?
who kissed you last night?
 - What time is it, daddy?

 - Tell me, Johnny, are you peeping?
sometimes through the keyhole when we're with
Are we locking ourselves in this room with your sister?
 - Yes, it happens, but it’s when it’s not there
Dad or sister Betty looks in.

 “How shy you are,” mockingly
said the pretty onegirl to young
guy.
 - Yes, in this respect I’m just like my father.
 - Was your father such a modest fellow too?
 - Very. Mother said that if he
wasn't so modest, I would have been three
years older.

 Chicago nightclub entertainer
announced the next number. The lights went out
the spotlight illuminated a long-haired creature,
slid onto the stage.
 “Oh God,” whispered the husband, “who is this?”
girl or young man.
 - Well, how can I find out? - answered
wife. - You see, all the signs are covered
guitar.

 - Hey, young people! - the father shouted from
bedrooms. - It's already one o'clock in the morning. What do you think
stay alone until the morning?
 - Thank you! - exclaimed the lover
young man - But I need to go home first.
call.

 Two friends meet.
 - How's family life?
 - Great. My husband for the last month
has completely changed: he takes care of the children,
cooks food, goes shopping, does laundry,
cleans the apartment - in general, does everything.
 - Well, you know, dear, you just
lucky. How did you achieve this?
 - You see, he read in the newspaper
article that if the housewife is not very tired,
she is more active in bed.
 - Well, how did it help?
 - To be honest, I don’t know. By the end of the day
he barely makes it to the bed.

 The patient calls the doctor at home:
 - Oh grief! My son fell ill with scarlet fever.
The worst thing is that he got infected,
kissing our maid.
 The doctor calmingly:
 - Don't worry, young people are always
act thoughtlessly.
 Patient:
 - Butthe trouble is that I also kissed
this girl.
 The doctor is surprised:
 - Here you go! This is very bad.
 Patient:
 - Even worse, I kiss my wife every
morning and every evening, I'm afraid that she too...
 The doctor is scared:
 - Oh God! So I can too
get sick...

 As soon as the pretty one got on the bus
blonde in a short skirt, all men
They immediately turned their gaze to her.
The girl wanted to sit down, but at this time
the bus braked sharply, and the girl
losing balance and trying to grab onto
the back of the seat, accidentally slapped my hand on
the cheek of the young man sitting next to him.
Blushing with shame, she began to apologize,
but the neighbor stopped her and, smiling,
said:
 - Don't worry, girl. For what I
I thought, looking at you, I deserve more
a harder slap.

 One girl:
 - Do you know why I'm marrying
doctor? Because if I get sick, he will
will always cure.
 Other:
 - And I’m marrying a priest. If
I sin, he will forgive my sins.

 The wife says to her husband:
 - Honey, our new servant burned
bacon and eggs. Won't you be satisfied
a couple of kisses for dinner?
 Husband to wife:
 - There's nothing you can do, call her here.

 The strict housewife began to interrogate
new maid, why did she leave her previous one?
places of work.
 - Yes, you understand, the situation in their house
turned out to be not entirely healthy. The child was
too lazy, and the father too active.

 The hostess barely had time to throw on herself
robe, as inA servant entered the room.
 - Louis! Why don't you knock? What if
I'm naked!
 “Don’t worry, madam,” he reassured
her servant, - before entering, I
I always look through the keyhole.

 A little boy lost his mother in
crowd of a large department store. Duty officer
department store scolds a boy:
 - Boy, you should always hold your mother
by the hand.
 - But she had so many different things in her hands.
things.
 “Then you had to hold it by the skirt,”
said the attendant.
 - I tried, but I couldn’t reach her.
it was so high.

 Mother of daughter:
 - Why did Jim bring you home like that?
late?
 Daughter:
 - We had a long conversation along the way. A
What, did we disturb you with our noise?
 Mother:
 - No, baby, what followed
silence.

 At the meeting.
 - And what are you for, comrade?
 - Me?.. I am for economy. But not
for such savings that you can see
"farm".

 Announcement:
 Young elderly man without
especially bad habits offers a hand and
the heart of a decent and sympathetic girl,
who dresses in "Children's World" and
buys a bra at Bogatyr.

 Investigator:
 - So you claim that you have it
stole money?
 Girl:
 - Yes! Scoundrel! Deceiver!
 Investigator:
 -Where did you hide the money?
 The girl blushed:
 - They were pawned for stockings.
 Investigator:
 - Why don’t you do this then?
opposed?
 Girl:
 “I didn’t think he needed money.”

 The man was very surprised when the woman walked
towards himwoman greeted
him. Having caught up with her, he asked:
 - Why did you say hello to me?
After all, I don’t know you at all.
 - ABOUT...! Then forgive me
it seemed that you were one of my fathers
children. The man's jaw dropped. He
I just didn't know that this woman
teacher

 The husband found out that his wife was cheating on him. He
hired a hired killer and told him:
 - I want my wife to be killed
shot in the head, and her lover
shoot off the dick. I'll give you a thousand for it.
 We agreed on a date and time. Husband
went to another city and waited there
call from an assassin. Finally in
set time he grabbed the phone
handset:
 - It's okay. It turned out to be easier than
I thought you were charged five hundred and we’re even:
it only took one shot.

 - Listen, your wife closes her eyes,
when do you cum?
 - Always - she can’t see when
I feel good.

 Three young women return from
vacation. Conversation in the compartment. One
says:
 - I literally on the very first day
I met a metallurgist. Well
he gave the heat - all twenty-four days
did continuous pouring with me
steel.
 - And I met the secretary
District Committee of the CPSU. Well, on the very first night we
they lay down with him, and for the remaining twenty-three days he
He begged me not to tell anyone about this.
 - Oh, girls, I met
research assistant... He immediately took up
to work: I cooked for twenty-three days
experiment, which is on the twenty-fourth
day nottook place due to technical reasons.

 The missionary lived for several years in
African tribe without any
complications with the natives. One day to him
the leader came:
 - Yesterday my twelfth wife gave birth
white child. You are the only one among us
white, it means you defiled my wife.
Death awaits you for this!
 - Great leader! Look, in the clearing
There was one black one among the herd of white goats. A
after all, you are all black, but that’s not
means that...
 - Okay, okay, I'm not talking about you to anyone.
I’ll say it, but you’re also silent!

 The elephant saw naked for the first time in the jungle
aborigine and thought:
 - How does he get food for himself?

 A man meets an ancient old woman with
a bundle of brushwood.
 - Come on, grandma, I’ll help!
 He put a bundle of brushwood on his shoulders
and went. They reached the edge of the forest, old woman
and says:
 - You helped me, I thank you for it
I will thank you, I am a witch and will do anything
your three wishes. What's your first
desire.
 - Well, first of all, so that I have
awesome car - white Mercedes.
 - Fine. You will go along the clearing to
turn, and then three hundred meters to the right and
you will see your Mercedes. Say the second
desire.
 - I want a two-story dacha with a swimming pool and
underground garage!
 -Have it your way. Sit in your
"Mercedes", you will drive for a kilometer
along a country road and you will see your dacha.
Say your third wish.
 - I want a beautiful wife, and so that all
life has dried up for me.
 - OK. Waiting for you in the back seat
your beauty. Yes whereare you, darling?
Stop!
 - Well, what else do you want, grandma?
 - I did everything you asked,
so I have a small request for you.
 - How can I help you: you
After all, a witch, you can do everything yourself.
 - Not all of them - fuck me
goodbye, darling, otherwise I forgot how
it's all done!
 The man thought and winced:
 - Okay! What does it cost me? But then -
everything is at my feet.
 And he fucked the grandmother.
 - Well, that's it, grandma, we're even! - and
rushed headlong along the clearing.
 - Wait, honey!
 - Well, what else do you need?
 - How old are you?
 - Well, thirty-six, so what?
 - Oh, you’re so big, but in fairy tales
believe!
 A self-supporting point has opened for
artificial insemination of people with
birth of pre-planned children
signs. A lady comes and pays
procedure and enters the office. At the table
a hefty redneck in a white robe sits:
 - Sit down. Who do you want - a girl or
boy?
 - A boy, if possible.
 - You can have a boy as you want, -
looks through the test tubes on the shelf, finds
the desired one, pours it into a glass:
 - How tall?
 - A little above average, if possible.
 - Everything is possible. Pouring it into a glass
contents of the following test tube:
 - Hair color?
 - Blond.
 - So, te-ex, brown-haired, red-haired,
blond. Ready. Who do you want it to be?
similar?
 - To Belmondo.
 - So... Delon, Celentano, Gabin, Vaux..
Bilmando!
 He handed the filled glass to the woman:
 - Now drink this!
 The lady drinks, and after two or three minutes
fallson the couch and falls asleep. Man
unzipping his fly dissatisfied:
 - Bilmando, Bilmando. How will it turn out
That's how it will work out.

 Two friends meet, one
black eye. The second one asks what
happened.
 - You see, I was in the theater. Well,
the performance ended, everyone rose from
their places. I look - she stood in front of me
healthy aunt, and her dress is in her ass
clogged. Well, I pulled out her dress, and she
me - bam! - in the face.
 A few days later they are again
meet, he already has a whole head
bandaged. He says:
 - I was at the cinema yesterday, in front of me was this
it turned out to be an aunt. When the movie ended and
she got up, her dress is in her ass again
clogged. My neighbor began to pull out,
and I’ll take it and say: “She doesn’t like it!”
and pushed it back.

 On a crowded Moscow bus
Frenchwoman accidentally steps on Georgian man
leg:
 - Sorry, monsieur.
 - I really want to!

 - Young man, if you really like me
lie down, then don’t be like a log!

 A UFO lands on a women's beach. From
two humanoids exit the ship
iridescent silver spacesuits, their
immediately surrounded by naked women and began
to disturb them:
 -Where did you come from?
 - From Alpha Centauri.
 - Do you all have such flying ones?
plates?
 - Everyone has.
 - And everyone can fly to Earth?
 - All.
 - And everyone has such shiny spacesuits.
 - No: only me and Goga.

 In Georgia, a son asks his father:
 - Dad, why do people need fingers?on
hand?
 - Son, you need your thumb to
show that everything is very good.
You point with your index finger. On the nameless
wear a wedding ring. Convenient with the little finger
picking in the ear. And you’ll find out about the middle one,
when you grow up and become a man. Son
grew up, got ready to get married and asks
father:
 - Dad, you promised to tell me why
You need a middle finger.
 - Listen, son. So you're getting married, and
your young wife will want to be with you
spend the day in bed. After that she
wants the next day in bed with
pamper yourself with you. On the third day she
wants again, but you can’t do it anymore.
This is where your average comes in handy.
finger You clench your hand into a fist and put it out
middle finger, and... hit yourself on the forehead:
“Are you crazy?”

 The husband asks his wife:
 -Can you sleep with the light on?
 - Can.
 - Sveta, come in!

 Two people are walking along the corridor of the conservatory
professors and chatting animatedly.
Suddenly a student runs nearby and
hurts them. They call out to him:
 - Young man, wait!
 - Where are you?!
 - How are you behaving?!
 - You are in the temple of art!
 - We are talking about Mozart, we want
share your thoughts with young people...
educate her in the spirit of humanism... instill
cultural skills!
 The student, burning with shame, asks
forgiveness and leaves, hanging his head. One
one of the interlocutors continues:
 - And then I take her by the ass...

 A man enters a brothel
flips through the catalogue.
 - I was with this one, I was with this one. ABOUT,love
in Spanish!
 After “love” he asks:
 - Listen, everything is as usual! Why
Is it written “Love in Spanish”?
 - Oh, dear, sorry, I forgot! - and
begins to fiddle with his fingers.

 He and she in bed...
 He:
 - Can I call you Eva?
 She:
 - Why Eve?
 - Because you are my first...
 - Okay. Can I call you
"Moskvich"?
 - Yes... Why?
 - Because you are my number 412...

 - There was a divorce, the child was given to his wife, and
it's unfair.
 - Why?
 - Well... So you put it in the machine
three kopecks, and he gives you a glass of
syrup...
 - Well?
 - What - well? So whose glass is this - yours?
or automatic?

 From an interview with the owner of a public
at home.
 - And we started simply: me, my wife and
mother-in-law...

 The front door is pretty packed
A girl enters the bus. She has one
passenger says:
 - Why are you coming in the front door?
 - And I'm pregnant.
 - Is there something you can’t see?
 - Do you want it to be noticeable in an hour?
was it?!

 Wife with her lover in the bedroom. Included
husband
 - Yeah! Everything is clear! I'm superfluous here!
 - Why, dear, just right. This one
it's finishing soon...

 She:
 - You haven’t kissed anyone’s lips except
mine?
 He:
 - No. And yours are the sweetest!

 - Give me a ticket to Sochi, at worst
end in Evpatoria.
 - In Evpatoria, too, with a bad ending
there is nothing to do.

 Evening. Twilight. Lover hugs
girl.
 - Darling! I love you so much!
 - Oh, what are you doing!!! Don't go!!! I
nowI'll scream!
 - But then yours will be able to hear us.
parents.
 - My God! I'm not talking about this somehow
I thought.

 A whore in bed with a cadet.
 - I swear, you are my first man,
whom I love.
 - I believe, dear.
 - It’s strange, you’re the first man who
I believed it!

 Night park in the city. There is a guard and
suddenly hears a whisper in the bushes:
 - Vanya, take off your glasses, you’re giving me stockings
you'll tear it up!
 The guard listened and a minute later
hears:
 - Vanya, you better put on glasses, you
you're licking the bench...

 Old man with young mistress:
 - Oh, Vitochka, I love you like
my own daughter!
 She:
 -Your methods are strange, however.
education!

 - Petenka, we only know each other two
hours, and you are already aiming at my heart!
 - No, dear, just half a meter
below..

 Girl in a candy store
says to the saleswoman:
 - Give me some chocolate, please.
figurine for three rubles.
 - Do you want a boy or a girl?
 - Of course, boy, there’s chocolate.
more!

 American tourists for Easter
placed in a picturesque village. Mistress
sets the table.
 -Where is the owner? - are interested
foreigners.
 “Yes, she colors eggs,” the hostess answers.
 - Oh! Russian hip! - are amazed
foreigners - how does he do it?
 “Oh, it’s very simple,” the hostess answers.
throws into a saucepan of boiling water
onion peels, and then there for a few
minutes lowers the eggs.
 - Oh! Russian yogi! - they exclaim
affected foreigners.

 Foreign Correspondent,
inspecting a Soviet factory inaccompanied by the secretary of the party committee, takes
interview with a nearby worker.
 - How much do you get?
 “One hundred and twenty rubles...” answers
worker and stops short, noticing the terrible
secretary's eyes... a week! - adds
he.
 - What kind of apartment do you have?
 “I have one room...,” he says.
worker, - ...windows to the south, one with windows
to the east and one with windows to the west!
 - What is your hobby?
 “30 centimeters,” the worker blurts out and
sees how the secretary grabbed his head!
 - In diameter! - quickly
he is correcting himself.

 Vovochka hears mom and dad
the beds are dripping. And says:
 - Mom, give me dumplings.
 - Where am I to you, son, in the middle of the night?
Shall I take dumplings?
 - Yes, but you can dance like sour cream!
breeze...

 Two men meet. One of
city, the other from the village. Urban
asks:
 - How do you insert your penis?
 - How? How? Usually. With your hands.
 - And in our culture - with a fork!

 A man in a bar looks at the ice in
cocktail:
 - Look, what an interesting shape -
ice cube with a hole.
 His neighbor looks at him with disgust.
glass:
 - What’s interesting here - I’ve already
Married to someone like this for twenty-five years!

 Vanka and Manka at the convention.
 - Manka, do you want me to show Keldysh?
 - Why are you crazy, show me the house!

 The Queen of England awards
disabled soldiers who distinguished themselves in
Falkland Islands. Buckingham Palace,
solemn ceremony.
 - Admiral, what reward do you want for
your feat?
 - Villa in Hawaii,Your Majesty.
There I can easily live out my life even without a leg.
 - And you, Colonel?
 - Lincoln car, yours
Majesty. Although I am without a hand, I am mine
the driver will take me to any part of the world.
 - What do you want, boatswain?
 - I'd like a stack of one-penny coins.
from my balls to the head of my penis, my
queen.
 The Queen was surprised, but education was not
allowed her to show it. Having ordered
To fulfill the wishes of the heroes, she left.
A day later the treasurer comes running to her:
 - Your Majesty, we cannot
fulfill your command - the treasury will not
enough money.
 - What's the matter?
 - It's all about the boatswain: he has balls
ended up with them, and the head was torn off
battlefield!

 There are only one people standing in line at the clinic.
men. The tail is getting young
girl. They looked at her askance, but nothing
they didn't say. When she got to
window, the doctor asks in surprise:
 - Are you also ready to donate sperm?
 She nods without opening her mouth:
 - Mmm!

 The master shouts to the whole estate:
 - Ivan! Iva-a-a-an!
 Ivan comes running:
 - What do you want, master?
 - I want to fuck!
 Ivan pulls off his trousers and
says with a sigh:
 - It’s time for you to get married, master...

 Organization of leisure time in military units:
A striptease is performed in front of the soldiers.
Deafening applause after each
fallen thing. Woman pulls off the last one
flap. Dead silence.
 - Don’t you like me?
 “Pussy,” one soldier puffs, “one
It's awkward to clap your hand.

 A woman says to her friend:
 - Inever claimed that
your husband has a wart on his penis. I
She said that it was only by touch.

 - Of course, I love you just the same
passionately, as before, but by chance
do not shake the ash from a cigarette onto the bed,
I have to move as slowly as possible."

 Little Ellen bathes with her
brother in the bath.
 - Mom, why don’t I have one like this?
things between your legs?
 - Patience, my daughter, patience...

 A fifteen year old breaker tells his
to girlfriend:
 - Because we weren’t allowed on this
film under the pretext that it is "for children
sixteen," then let's go home.
 - Yes, and there was nothing to get out of at all.
bed,” the friend answered dissatisfied.

 2069 Reporter interviews
centennial hippie jubilee.
 - Do you have any problems?
 - None now, since
my son Luber was placed in a home for
elderly!

 The Frenchman is asked if there are
unsaleable women?
 The Frenchman replies: “There are, but they
are expensive."

 The French: "We know a hundred ways
love."
 The British: "And we know a hundred and one ways
love."
 The French: “It can’t be, because we
the most experienced, the most skilled in love. What
Is this the one hundred and first way?
 English: "When she lies on her back,
and he’s lying on top of her.”
 French: "Oh yes! We haven't yet
figured it out."

 - Congratulations, neighbor. I heard you
got married.
 -Can you even hear it? Well
soundproofing.

 Three alcoholics argued about who has morehands are shaking.
 The first one says:
 - When I pour from a bottle into a glass,
so only 100 grams gets into the glass,
everything else is bypassed.
 The second one says:
 - When I pour from a bottle into a glass,
So only 50 grams gets into the glass.
 The third says:
 - And when I pee, I do it three times
I'm cumming.

 Khazanov decided to get married.
 “Well, Genochka,” says mom, “you have
we are the most popular, which means you have a wife
you need the most popular one. And the most popular
We have Alla Borisovna now, go to her
woo.
 Genochka went to Allochka.
 - Allochka, I want to marry you.
 - Of course, I like you Genochka,
but I still need a dacha on the banks of the Black River
seas.
 Genochka cried and went back
home. He comes and bursts into tears.
 Mom asks:
 - Genochka, why are you crying?
 - Allochka wants a dacha on the banks of the Black River
seas.
 - Don’t cry, Genochka, go tell her that
We'll buy her a dacha.
 Genochka was happy. Resorts to
Hello and says:
 - Mom said that we will buy you
dacha
 - Of course I like you Genochka, -
Allochka says, “but I need another car.”
"Seagull".
 Genochka cried. Comes home and
says:
 - Mom, she also wants a Chaika car.
 - Don’t cry Genochka, go tell her that
We'll buy her a car.
 Genochka was happy. Ran to
Hello. And Allochka says:
 - And I, Genochka, still need it to be
25 centimeters.
 Genochka cried. Comes home and
says:
 - Allochka said that she needed to
was 25centimeters.
 “Oh,” my mother shouted, “so that because of
cut off 5 centimeters from this red cat -
never!

 At the market a man sells a mosquito
jar. Label on the can: "Substitute
men. 25 rubles."
 Woman:
 - How to use it?
 - At home, undress, lie down and let him out
from a jar. If anything goes wrong, call me here
phone.
 In the evening a woman calls:
 - She came, undressed, lay down, let her out,
and he sat on the wall and didn’t move...
 - So... lie down! I'm leaving!
 A man arrived at the place, undressed and
says to the mosquito:
 - Look, stupid, last time
I'm showing!

 Guard:
 - Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a fine:
Swimming is prohibited in this lake!
 Girl:
 - But why didn’t you tell me this before?
the way I undressed?
 - Well, there’s no need to undress here.
prohibited, ma'am...

 There is a chicken lying on the road. A tractor is driving.
The tractor ran over the chicken. The chicken got up
shook herself:
 - This is a man!

 On the bus.
 - Comrade! Be careful, eggs!
 - Comrade! I repeat to you, eggs!
 - Ah-ah...
 - I told you, - be careful with the eggs,
I have nails in my bag.

 The Queen, having heard that Churchill
claims that any woman can be
buy and sell, invited him to her place.
 “Is it true, Winston,” she asked,
as if you are saying that any woman
can you buy and sell?
 “Yes, my queen,” Churchill replied.
 - And me, the Queen of England?
 - Yes, my queen.
 - I wonder how long you took me for
would you sell it?
 - For a hundred thousand poundssterling, mine
queen.
 - Like me, the Queen of England,
for just one hundred thousand pounds sterling?!
 - You see, my queen, you have already
bargain!

 She remained faithful to one. To others
gave away innocence.

 Two friends meet. One to another
says:
 - Do you hear, I have two in my car
ladies. Come on, let's go somewhere
Let's rest.
 - What do they look like?
 - There are no bad women, there are few
vodka.
 - Well, okay, just in case I
I'll take a look anyway.
 Says hello, looks, then closes
door and says to a friend:
 - Sorry, but I won’t drink that much vodka.

 To a lady sunbathing alone on the beach,
a man rolls up:
 - Sorry, but you are somehow strange
relax! Alone all the time... Come to me
to the room! Let's have fun, drink, eat,
we can make love again...
 - Who do you work for? - the lady interrupts.
 - Turner!
 - Well, imagine: for a whole year you haven’t
departed from their machine, came to the south,
and here all over the beach: machines, machines,
machines...

 Between friends.
 - You know, yesterday I cheated on my
to my husband.
 - For love or for convenience?
 - Of course, for love. Is it a hundred now?
money!

 Glorious Knight Roland goes to
long trip. Already sitting in the saddle, he calls
his faithful friend, hands him the key to
his young wife's chastity belt and
says:
 - Dear friend, I will be absent
several years, all this time you must
to protect the honor of my wife, and always
holdhave this key with you!
 The buglers and the glorious knight sounded
went on a campaign. But he didn't get far
drive away from the city gates, what's his name
caught up with a faithful friend on a lathered horse. Already
from afar he shouted:
 - What a blessing that I managed to get you
catch up!
 - What happened? - worried
knight
 - You gave me the wrong key!

 - Girl, girl, you have breasts
is there?
 - Eat.
 - Why don’t you wear them?

 The man caught a goldfish.
 Fish:
 - Let me go, I am your every desire
I'll do it!
 - Okay, make me drink vodka
peed.
 -Have it your way.
 I came home to the man and urinated in
glass, sniffed - vodka, drank - vodka.
I was happy and drank another glass.
 A friend comes to see him.
 - What are you doing?
 - I'm drinking.
 - Where did you get it?
 Well, he told him everything.
 - So pour me a glass too, -
my friend was delighted.
 The man began to pour him a drink, and his hands
trembling, everything pours past the glass.
 - Hey, why are you spilling it, let me
better from the throat!

 - Doctor, lately I've been very
weakened sexually.
 - How often do you make love?
 - Once a week with my wife, three times a week
a week with his mistress, and every day with
mothers-in-law
 - Well, dear, what do you want?
Of course, this is all from all this.
 - Phew, thank God, but I was thinking from
masturbation.

 The husband is packing his suitcase.
 -Where are you going? - asks the wife.
 - I’ll go to Ivanovo to work. There
Women give fifty for one night with a man.
 Wife:
 - Well then, I'm with you tooI'll go.
 - Why are you there?
 - I’ll see how you do for two hundred a month
you will live.

 - Petka, what are you doing there?
 - I’m pulling the antenna, Vasily Ivanovich.
 - Well, the names are coming.

 On the way to grandma Little Red Riding Hood
I was very tired and decided to rest. Lay down
and fell asleep. A cow approached her. It became her
I feel sorry for the girl, and the cow decided to give her something to drink
milk. She came closer and became
put the udder in Little Red Riding Hood's mouth. A
Little Red Riding Hood half-opened her eyes:
 - Boys, just not all at once.

 Two pies are talking.
 - You like cheesecake.
 - Like!
 - So let's fuck her!
 - It’s good for you to say, you have balls, and
me with potatoes...

 “Dear,” says the man, “if
If only I knew that you were still a virgin, I would
I wish I could be more careful.
 - If I knew you were like this
quick, I'd take off my tights.

 The wife asks her husband:
 - I heard that you have a new one working
secretary?
 - Yes.
 - Well, how is she coping?
 - He's coping.
 - Beautiful?
 - Pretty.
 - How does he dress?
 - Quickly...

 An elderly man comes into public
house:
 - I need one so that I can use it
do whatever I want.
 - Mark, show the gentleman to room 6.
 After a while the client runs out
from the room:
 - Why did you give me a snotty
girl!
 - Mark, change the doll, it’s already
overcrowded.

 Petka and Chapaev decided to go to
laughter room
 They come and look at the room next to it
sex.
 - Petka, you go to the roomsex and I
I'll go to the laughter room.
 Petka comes into the sex room and sees
in the middle of the room there is a large globe, and
at the top of the globe there is a naked woman and
inscription: "Whoever climbs up to me, I will
I'll give myself up."
 Petka began to climb, the ball was spinning
and Petka flies off all the time.
 An hour later Petka comes out, angry,
angry, and Vasily Ivanovich laughing
dies.
 - Well, Petka, now come on, you go to
the laughter room, and I'll go to the sex room.
 Petka enters the laughter room. All around
empty. Looks like a hole in the wall. Petka in
look at this hole, and there is Vasily Ivanovich
climbs onto the globe.

 Vasily Ivanovich says:
 - Petka, I give you a task - to deliver
there are ten girls here, but so that they are all
virgins! Understood?
 - Understood! Wait a week.
 A week later Petka brings ten
girls.
 - Petka, undress everyone, I will
inspect.
 - Who did you bring me, Petka! -
shouts Vasily Ivanovich, - they’re all
spoiled.
 - It can’t be, I checked it myself.

 The carpenter was hired through connections
gynecologist. First appointment. Comes in
female patient undresses.
 He: “What a pussy!!!”
 She: “Well, don’t express yourself, at least
They said the genital slit."
 He: “Yes, if I were on the parquet floor
left such gaps, so I would have been killed long ago
the work was kicked out."

 Georgian relatives arrived. Sister
puts his sister to bed with his
six-year-old son Gosha. Gosha at night
jumps up, knife to throat and fucks her. Yes
three nights in a row. The sister asks her:
 -Why are you so tired all the time?
are you walking?
 She told her everything.
 “Well, nothing,” says the sister. -
He falls asleep, let's switch places. And so they did.
 At night Gosha jumps up, a knife to his throat and
fucks.
 Mother to him:
 - Gosha, son, what are you doing?
 - Wow, mommy, I can see it now.
 - I see for you, let’s finish, vimesh, then in
corner you will stand.

 Diary of an Onanist.
 I tried to jerk off with my right hand,
I had a lot of fun. Tried it
jerking off with my left hand - I didn’t like it,
some other feeling. Married -
much worse than with the left hand.

 A man is selling a rooster at the market. Second
suitable:
 - Why the rooster?
 - A hundred rubles?
 - Does he even trample chickens?
 - And chickens, and a wife and mother-in-law and two
tramples his daughters.
 - So why are you selling?
 - Eh.., he started looking sideways at me.

 The taxi driver brought the girl to the indicated
place. The girl had nothing to pay with and
she offers to pay in kind.
The taxi driver puts her under the car and fucks her.
A traffic police officer approaches:
 - What are you doing here?
 - How, what, we are repairing the car.
 - Before repairing the car,
you need to put it on the handbrake, otherwise
That's where she's gone.

 A taxi driver is taking a girl. She puts her feet down
to the instrument panel.
 - Girl, take your feet off the panel, this is
terribly ugly.
 She looked at him disgustedly:
 - Some men have the honor of these
kiss your feet.
 - Well, excuse me, please, but
some girls I have the honor of a dick
suck it, it’s not on the hood for me
dump out.Balkonsky's notes are read by a man in
library. Balkonsky writes:
 - On the first evening we danced for a long time with
Natasha, and I kissed her hand, from which
a shiver ran through my body. The next evening
We also danced for a long time and I kissed her on the
lips, but then she sharply clenched her legs and
crushed my penis.

 The husband finds out that his wife is cheating on him.
One day he comes home and tells his wife,
that he is leaving on a business trip. Himself becomes
on the platform above. The wife leaves the apartment
for her lover, the husband comes into the apartment and
hides behind the closet. They come together
they drank, ate, he fucked her. She told him
says:
 - Honey, make me laugh so much that I
signed up.
 Lover started naked around the apartment
run, jump. Either on the bed or on the table
jumps, then onto the closet and suddenly right from
cabinet through the window.
 She shouts to him:
 - Honey, where are you going, I’m already drunk!
 - Look behind the closet, so you
you'll shit yourself!!

 A black man comes to the USSR. In our
the embassy asks him:
 - What do you need to feel good?
rest?
 He answers:
 - A drink, a snack and a girl for the night.
They did everything for him, but no one did for the night.
wants to go to him. We decided to put him in
bed rubber woman.
 In the morning they ask:
 - Well, how?
 Everything is fine, only your girl
some kind of abnormal. I'm her feet
I spread it, and she moves it, I grab her tits
bit, and she - phew! and through the window.

 Riding horses Ilya Muromets, Dobrynya
Nikitich and Alyosha Popovich. They look
Ivan the Fool over the Little Humpbacked Horsesobbing.
They ask what's the matter.
 - My grief, the little humpbacked horse has died.
 They drove on. Look, royal
the palace is standing.
 Alyosha says:
 - I’ll go to the princess, maybe I’ll be happy
will smile.
 He comes in and says:
 - Be my wife!
 And she asks him:
 - Will you put two sticks?
 - I'll put it in.
 - How about three?
 - I'll put it in.
 - How about five?
 - I don’t know.
 - Get out.
 I decided to try my luck Dobrynushka:
 - Be my wife.
 She told him:
 - Will you put five sticks?
 - I'll put it in.
 - What about eight?
 - I'll put it in.
 - How about ten?
 - I don’t know.
 - Get out.
 Visits Princess Ilyusha:
 - Be my wife.
 -Are you going to throw ten sticks?
 - I'll quit.
 - What about thirteen?
 - I'll quit.
 - What about fifteen?
 - I don’t know.
 - Get out.
 They left with nothing. They are going home.
They look, and Ivanushka is crying. They told him
say:
 - Fool, go to the princess, maybe you
happiness will smile.
 Fuck him. He comes and says:
 - Be my wife.
 - Will you put up fifteen sticks?
 - I'll put it in.
 - How about twenty?
 - I'll put it in.
 - How about thirty?
 - I'll bet!
 - What about forty?
 - Are you stupid, I have 39 on the stick
The little humpbacked horse is dead!

 Paris. Colleagues meet and
share who spent New Year's Eve and how.
 - Georgette, where did you meet the New
Year?
 - Oh, as always, in bed...
 - Yes? And were there a lot of people?

 Three girls are traveling in the compartment. One says:
 - I love fucking with athletes.
He ran quickly, fucked him quickly, quickly
ran away.
 Second:
 - And I’m with the military. On the count of times
came,fucked on the count of two, fucked on the count of three
left.
 Third:
 - And I love fucking with Indians.
Children of nature. They fuck like animals.
 Here the train slowed down. Georgians fall from
shelves:
 - Allow me to introduce myself - master
sport, Major Chingachgook!

 Marya Ivanovna, weaver, advanced worker
production, became a currency prostitute.
There was confusion at the factory, they decided to create
comradely court. Chairman of the trade union committee:
 - Marya Ivanovna! How so? You are
we have a leader in production, repeatedly
became a drummer of the Communist
labor, deputy of all convocations,
mentor... How could you become
currency prostitute?!
 Marya Ivanovna:
 - Well, what can I say? Lucky..

 Indian fathers sit and silently smoke
Peace pipe.
 - Maybe we can talk about something? -
asked one of them.
 - Let's talk. What about?
 - Well, for example, about politics. Something
Honduras has been bothering me lately.
 - Just scratch it, maybe it will stop.

 The lieutenant dances with Natasha.
 - Natasha, you are without panties today!
 - Oh, lieutenant, how did you guess?
 - I have dandruff on my feet.

 The mouse got into a bottle of vodka. Immediately
A cat appeared near the bottle.
 - Kitty! Get me out of here -
the mouse begged, “I’ll give myself to you for this.”
 The cat thought and decided to save the mouse. How
As soon as the cat pulled out the mouse, it darted into the hole
and hid.
 The cat shouted:
 - You promised me!
 - You never know what a drunk woman can promise
woman.

 Petka and Vasily Ivanovich run away
from whitesby boat. Suddenly Vasily
Ivanovich's oar breaks.
 - Petka, row one!
 Petka is rowing, and suddenly he breaks down too
paddle
 - Petka, let's row with our dicks!
 Rowing.
 Vasily Ivanovich:
 - The water is cold!!!
 Petka:
 - And the bottom is rocky.

 A guy comes to get a job
work. Head of HR Department
asks:
 - Why did you quit your previous job?
work?
 - It's a mess there!
 - We are also a mess.
 - But at least you have fresher sluts.

 The young man asks the old man:
 - What is the best way to seduce a girl?
 “There are two ways,” says the elder.
The first, the fastest - with a club to the head
and to bed.
 - Uh... no, that doesn't suit me.
 - Well then there is another way, more
slow - we need to take her to the cinema,
theaters, restaurants...
 - Well, then?
 - And then - with a club to the head and
bed...

 The bell rings at Lord Hamilton's mansion. K
The butler answers the phone:
 - Sir?
 - Dear! - says the receiver. - Be
kind, go into the lady's room and tell her that
I'll be late at the club.
 - But the lady has already gone to bed, sir.
 - Nevertheless, go to her and report,
what I asked for.
 The receiver can be heard moving away, and then
the butler's approaching footsteps.
 - Sir, I reported, but your voice answered
me from behind the door to get out.
 - Immediately take the gun and shoot
person who is in the bedroom with
my wife!!
 Shots and stomping can be heard in the receiver.
 - Sir, I did everything as you said.
but the man jumped out the bedroom window and
the garden ran away.
 -But there is no garden near our house!
 - So you have the wrong number, sir...

 A drunk man brings his friend to his house at night
yourself home. Everyone is sleeping. He shows
apartment:
 - This is my living room, this is my bedroom,
this is our bed. My wife is sleeping here,
it's next to her - I...

 A drunk man comes home with
mistress. The wife opens the door.
 - Shhh! - he tells her
in a conspiratorial whisper. - Say that you
my sister!...

 My husband returns earlier than usual
home. The wife has a lover. Wife runs out
towards my husband with a trash can.
 - Dear, before you undress, take it out,
trash please.
 While the husband takes out the trash, the lover
runs up the stairs to the top floor,
then he safely leaves unnoticed.
She walks and thinks: wow, what a smart girl!
 He comes to his home. His wife
meets with a trash can:
 - Darling, before you take off your clothes,
please throw away the trash.
 My husband takes out the trash and thinks: well, what the heck?
stupid - stay home all day and throw out the trash
no time!

 The husband unexpectedly returns home.
The lover jumps out onto the balcony and grabs
over the railing, jumps over them, and hands
he doesn’t dare to let go - it’s scary.
 It hangs for an hour or two. It's getting light. It turns out
the janitor notices him:
 - Hey, what are you doing here?
 - How, what? Here I am hanging!
 - Ah, well, hang, hang, just your legs
pick it up, let me sweep it up.

 Odessa. Two houses opposite. In the morning on
Two neighbors look out onto the balconies of their apartments:
 - Listen, Sonya, are you sick? From
you at two o'clock in the morningthe doctor has left!
 - Hey, Bella, stop saying
it’s disgusting to listen to: if from you every morning
the colonel is leaving, I'm not shouting at the top of my lungs
Deribasovskaya, that the war has begun!

 Tired husband comes late at night
home. His wife rushes to him screaming:
"Where have you been?!"
 - Darling, you’re so smart, -
says the husband, “come up with something yourself.”

 Woman looking into office
therapist:
 - Sorry, doctor, I’m not with you.
just forgot your bra? -
she asks.
 - No, not with me.
 - Oh, well, that means, at the ophthalmologist!

 A young husband complains to his father about
something that can't initiate sexual intercourse
life with his wife:
 - Ne lize, dad...
 His father gives him a cup of sour cream and
recommends using it. On the next
day the son complains again:
 - That ne lize, dad, and u krinku ne
Lize...

 The husband unexpectedly returns home.
The wife hides her lover under the bed. Husband
undresses and goes to bed. Already falling asleep,
He hears someone tossing and turning under the forge.
 - Sharik, is that you? - asks sleepily
the husband puts his hand on the floor.
 “I am,” says “Sharik” and licks devotedly
his hand.

 A wife wakes her husband up at night:
 - I'm cold!
 The husband gets up and brings the second blanket.
 After some time:
 - I'm hot!
 The husband gets up and opens the window.
 After some time:
 - I want a man!
 - Well, dear! Where am I to you at two
1 am will I find a man?

 The wife dreams at night that she is sleeping with
lover and then the husband enters. She
wakes up and wakes uphusband:
 - Hurry up and jump out the window, your husband is coming.
 The husband jumps out of bed and throws open the
window and jumps. He flies and thinks: “Who
me?"

 Two friends talking:
 - Can you imagine, I’m something completely
reported: last night in bed
gave his wife three rubles.
 - Well, you give it! What about her?
 - And she took it!

 A man comes to a brothel.
 - Madam, I would like to use
the services of your girl, but... not really
the usual way...
 - In that case, I suggest you
Lu-Lu, nothing can surprise her.
 The client and Lu-Lu go up to the room.
After a while Lu-Lu screamed and
runs out of the room with a frightened face:
 - No, no, monsieur, not that!
 - What did he want? - asks the owner
brothel
 - Madam, he wanted on credit and for
Soviet rubles!!!

 The first public opened in Odessa
house One of his first tells
clients:
 - So I’m going into it. And there -
two doors. One says "blondes"
and on the other - “brunettes”. Well, I'm going to
blondes. I go in, and there are two doors:
"paid" and "free". Well, I'm going to
free. I go in, and there are two doors:
"brown-eyed" and "blue-eyed". Well, I'm going to
blue-eyed. I go in, and there are two doors:
"plump" and "skinny". Well, I'm going to
plump. I go in, and there are two doors: "with
perversions" and "without perversions". Well I'm in
that door where “with perversions” is.
 - So what?!
 - And he went out again to Deribasovskaya.