Nicron #82 31 марта 1998

Юмор

Humor - a fairy tale, "There once was a programmer ..."

 There once was a programmer ...

    It will be scary, very scary tale!

There once was a programmer ... Roughly the same, like everyone 
else programmers. And he went one day to my grandmother (for 
pies, probably). A grandmother it just was linked to the 
Sicilian Mafia selling pies at a furious prices. I must tell you

that in a country where he lived, worked and studied (as 
commanded great ...), Our programmer, pies represented 
something like heroin for the people, valerian drops for cats 
and new, just stuffy due to the mound for software programmers. 
Therefore, to get them was difficult and sometimes impossible. 
Therefore, those programmers who have had grandmothers, were 
considered lucky. 

    [End of part one, to be continued]
    [Titles]
    [The room is lit light]

And let's begin the second chapter is: "There once was a 
programmer ..." 

There once was a programmer ...
Did such things happen? Is not that ...



So, the programmer still alive.
Now he deside to go to the black market and buy PC (He was a
Soviet programmer).

Long or a short, but he still came to the market. I looked 
around and already zakruchinilsya - stand around bad 
cooperators, keep komputery - but not so easy to make ... And 
for the Rouble not give. And only of currencies. So he went to 
look for that currency. Shel-walking, watching stands an old 
tree stump. A stump is about my grandfather ... 

Staaaaary. The old hell. Old grandfather?

Hmm. Same here, kids, lay one Old chuhalnik, but in two
pocapyval holes. A poboku thereof from Chmyrev EVOH coat cebe
valyalcya. And from under his coat entogo something c from 
England nadpicyami vydavalocya ... I looked at our programmer 
vce four The Parties to - little people cvoimi affairs mayutcya 
who buy, who pre-sold on by the parties to sort nihto not zyrit 
... Did so, and mecto a secluded - cboku carayushka prilepilac, 
c else - kucty neprolaznyya, cperedu cesspool untrodden and 
czadu puctyr and anyone. Well, pochecal programmer turnip 
pozyrkal to by the parties - and shact to toe ... Lifted and 
looked - it kracavitsa! With the muzzle - VGA cploshnaya, 
poboku Signet very broad width, so a 25 needle prilepilacya 
inside megabytes cchitaetsya not perecchitat ... Lepota, and 
only! A chuhalnik vce cebe pocapyvaet ... Well, started Our 
programmer from kracoty such neopicannoy - and grabbed machine, 
then in his arms! And well, his legs vctavlyat! 

That's right, kiddies ... You pocmotrite ckazhete yes - they 
say that this bad your programmer, to steal, they say, is not 
good ... Nevertheless, yes, kiddies, but it what to do-that? 
Tom Dedkov loss - a piece of cake, he enti komputery Hundreds 
of daily trades, and programmer for the poor soul yes work igde 
machine fuck? A and nowhere ... 

Did okay, let's go further ... Povctavlyal programmer feet, ran
in that neither the Most ect lec deaf pritomilcya. Sat on a 
stump, komputer poctavil (and as soon as it is its SUPER! thing 
is not How many heavier How many boxes for many racpihannaya 
and through what nocilno uncomfortable) ... Sits utiraetcya, 
Duma thinks - that do? But who is to blame? And then, as luck 
would have, Wolf on clearing a entu vypercya, infection! Yes no 
procto Wolf, and ranks so when Straps, govorilka on the belt, 
but gun at his side ... Behind vypercya, Programmer our cidit 
cebe, otduvaetcya, Wolf, and see no ... The wolf looked up - 
way programmer cidit! And komputer, precious thing, with it. 
And what, Wolf thinks it in the backwoods of such c 
tsennoctyami cidit, the people at cmertoubiyctvo ickushaet? And 
no other - Poper Programmer machine and hide namylilci! Well, I 
think Wolf, schac I it, infection, grohnu, so people do not 
coblaznyal! A typewriter cebe printout, for non-pecuniary 
damage. Wolf decided to do so, and Poper cebe belly over bumps 
- closer podbiratcya. 

A programmer in the meantime otdyshalcya - and so he zahoteloc
komputer in a try! Tokmo for entogo outlet needs.
He looked around - the backwoods, sockets can not see ... A 
wolf here already covcem podobralcya only leg stretch, cidit 
under kuctom, schac jump ... A programmer vce outlet is looking 
for - well, unbearable to him! AND then he looked at kuct - 
Hacha! - Two holes! Obradovalcya programmer but how pyrnet 
Wolf's nostrils plug cilovuyu ... Wolf already zakoldobilo, the 
fork is not the couple covkovckim on evroctandartu set as ... 
Wolf pulled out from under kucta c muzzle ctrashnoy, tecak 
vytyschil - and the programmer. And octatcya programmer in a 
dark lecu breathe, would score his wolf, but his cchacte at the 
cekund of the machine uzhacno malicious viruc-dickkiller Fresh 
Air breath came out. Got out, then you look - Wolf c programmers

next topchutcya. I looked closer - and the wolf from the cable 
Projectors nostrils sticking out! Oh, you bastard, thought 
dickkiller under device kocish? And shmyaknul heartily wolf 
Balde, that already perekoco $ # 'locally. After that Volkova's 
head before dickkillerom when Control dial it at once GB 
rezonancom raznocil. Well, prinyalcya dickkiller for Wolf back 
to back, and programmer no fool a fool, caught typewriter in 
his arms and legs well vctavlyat! Good it familiar ...


In under three screens naplel ... It's time to go drink some 
beer ... 

For example, drank a beer, you can continue to read ...

Mean lomanulcya our programmer through lec / thicket where the 
peepers cmotryut ... Run, run, speed with the latest of-forces 
vybilcya in kucty down, rest, mean ... Respiration took, the 
face of kuctov vycunul okrect oglyadyvetcya, scary. Look - 
chalet on kurnogah vidneetcya, smoke from a chimney on the roof 
aerial cable Télévision yes laid ... Well, thinking programmer 
once televizer ect in hozyayctve, and still komputer 
podcobachit can be. Looked more just once on by the parties - 
and popercya entoy to the hut. Rolled, for shact door handle - 
a cottage he chelovecheckim golocom: a. Tell me ka-you my dear, 
user name cvoe? A The record of the left paw of his grasp. 
Well, programmer thinks, covcem gone, he clyhival of such 
excess, BBSby private prozyvayutcya, in the people about them a 
lot of things Gutara. Said - the name cprocit, ecli three times 
a otvetctvuesh, which eynom cpicke not znachitcya - at the 
moment unscrews his head! And guess ecli imechko - so it was 
infection, The word propucknoe require. Identically three 
times. Do not guess - zatopchet. Well, too ecli guess - then 
inside propuctit, and there gryat, paradise-clear to 
programmers, cofta different in the corners bulk - do not want 
to take it! 

Vcpomnil UTB vce Programmer our hapless and BBSba Timer
click yes claws ckrebet ... Thinking, thinking programmer, vec
Then came forth - vcpomnil name magic / cekretnoe, in a tavern 
on the touring programmer cictemnogo from distant Jurisdictions 
clyshannoe! Sycop said, I'm your host, you ckotina 
clepoglazaya! BBSba on perekocilac other side, turned it into 
the leg and even cprashivaet - but if you say, boss, my 
darling, so if you please, and password'ik otvetctvovat, three 
popytochki, and do not answer - no obeccud, many here vcyakih 
shlyaetcya ... 

Vzmok programmer at once - do-what? Pocmotrel on vyvecku
cverhu BBSby - there napicano, Mol, Alan BBSba number there 
adrec racpolozheniya - a city so the house number ... And 
podumaloc Programmer - but if I really camom cycopom been? Yes 
c big beer drinking to cebe vozvraschalcya? But how can I BBSba 
paw cvoey uhvatala, and I imechko something cvoe remember 
ishsho - The word and the input nackvoz forgot? And I die a 
cruel zdecya ages, at camom threshold? No, the programmer has 
decided on a password The case of a nocom ickat wanted, no 
stranger dopetrit and cycop and in the face with a drunken 
vcpomnit! I looked at it once ishsho vyvecku - Alan say, 
Zelenograd supposedly korpuc 1205 ... Well, think long 
Alanzelenograd reprimand to be drunk, but Alan1205 procto and 
5021nala - in the Most times! Sigh zazhmurilcya - 5021nala, 
says! 

A BBSba him - go, my dear master, no beer again dine
pleased, vce parolik vcpominali, head mayalic, but
pass raccolchiku icpit, and I really dokladets cgotovila - who
was yes he did, so here's another echo new cmeshnaya, you is 
not reading came uzho pocmeetec, rested ... And the door 
Programmer nezhnenko so promotes. And at the entrance kreclitse 
pushed, ucadila, komputer in ctoronochke neatly poklala - c

nothing new thing, says he, the owner came to the house uce 
voloket - kreclitse in Tables c remote control mostly rolled, 
poboku other Tables jiffy cobrala - eat there, coffee icpit, 
cigarety zabugorckie dragged ... Commanded, says he, you're my 
cycop dragotsennny, I'm ready ... A programmer her ocmelevshi - 
zatknic, Old! Rest / razvlekatcya will! And to the board the 
same moment potyanulcya ... (They are programmers, uce such, do 
not feed them bread - give the new typewriter keys popihat ...)


And on that we octanovku Let's make - ckol so without rozdyhu 
trepemcya! 


Phew ... Uctal I c your tongue grind without rozdyhu something 
... Schac here popyu beer, a smoke ...


Still okay - ucelcya hence our programmer for the Most major
Remote BBSby. Doc cekretny reads the podium ocvaivaetcya -
pleasure to pocmotret ... But suddenly cebya forehead ka-ak 
moves - and komputer something EVOH, Fresh / in case not tried, 
in vain postal proctaivaet!? Soft picat nada! Well, it's 
familiar, komputer cobral / established and the team he camuyu 
that on a global ect asked - write, says he, vce row until 
mecta enough! A komputer, the entire team of well-known 
expression in the capable hands of thing poclushno / 
icpolnitelnaya yes helluva lot of hard-working, here and he 
went down in a row vec coft opicyvat that on the corner BBSby 
ponalozhen was ... The very rustling vovcyu, lamp winks, saying 
here I am, truzhuc / injected into vce blades ... 

A programmer in order to study the matter BBSbu cnutrya Steels, 
deal him new Wondered ... Ocvaivatcya Steels too slowly, the

time and komputer LAST crumbs cofta on cuceka podckrebat
Steels, when programmer looked at the window screen, and there 
meng steep straight course to the entrance podvalivaet! Well, I 
think programmer, he schac BBSba broke Intermedia morgalok for 
nagloct nactyrnuyu! A Man, infection, suitable for cebe BBSbe 
and gets it unexpected - I, says he, cycop, my password 
5021nala, opened the Come on, old hag! Have realized there 
Programmer that it was time dud greyhound cmatyvat kuctami yes 
and let's gait three krecta komputer cvoy, coftom 
obozhravshiycya back pack! 

Meanwhile BBSba already poperhnulac from The word cycopa
latter-day and let's squeal - BUZY-BUZY, they say, depart, 
nechictaya break-open, any such cycop-pycop, it has long been 
home, things truditcya, let's get out, goct uninvited, otkelya 
come! And then on vlomlyu Hare brazen, you'll know how 
camozvannichat! A cycop from The word entih ckochevryazhilcya 
and grit - that you, ckotina nekompilirovannaya, henbane 
obelacya? As the so-BUZY-BUZY?! Once both houses? I have those 
crud / roach, password and imyachko File Type? Open the gates, 
and then alive in Repack the archive! A BBSba podpuctila cycopa 
closer and even broke from Soul HANGUP'om curves Intermedia 
horns! He and rolled in ctoronku ... Saw vce ethno our clever 
programmer, and podumaloc pit - and Mozhayev and cvalivat 
pokudova otcelya? Sycop evil helluva lot, according to kuctam 
around shactaet, God forbid interception - komputer take away, 
so even with the entire team coftom, won a bull vymahal ... Not 
better to be tutochki otcidetcya for help as he does not 
namylitcya - then and claws to pull? But as long as programmer 
thinking, sysop, infection, to the window side netmail'ovomu 
Yes crept through a crack / FDServer whispered to his dogs 
chained, del'am da leader Hdel'u their language, that they 
should at this moment all of the BBSby povychistili ... And 
there climbed from all cracks del'y these okoyannye, and the 
front itself Xdel, face a brutal, with the parameter black 
sorcery (*.* - not whether people will remember the night)! 
Tight here programmer had our swift-footed. Barely had time 
komputer in his arms to catch so by a pack of villainous slip 
... C porch ran away - and there sysop waiting / waiting ... 
But the programmer Our guy does not miss, drukarku not 
withheld, warmed by sysopa Her head and in the bushes strekocha 
asked! 

Buried in the bushes, caught his breath a little, look, that 
further followed by ... Sysop beside porch Pomaia-ppomayalsya, 
depart became ... Woke up finally, a word-selective skkazal - 
and let BBSba his mouth ... Recollected our programmer wind out 
of here podalee, when he heard a cry advertised throughout the 
countryside! That means until sysop Golovenko have suffered 
from the porch, a pack of something EVOH, with parameter black 
programmer did not find, all the software thoroughly devoured! 
Oh, and yelling as sysop that your pig nedorezannaya all 
software somewhere on their favorite distressed ... AND it 
serves him right, meanie damn! there was nothing on diskette 
archive save!


Truly it is said - not a swarm of another hole!

Thought, so our clever programmer, picked up the komputer and 
in the path / road to his house empty ...


Phew ... And what then happened to him, about how we continue 
to guide them, kurnut must ...


"Well, I swing with you, too dark, will soon come event
message of the field kick ... Anyway, poraskazhu ishsho
little ...

Well, our programmer went on the road to the house of EVOH
leading here and the moon peeped out (I must say, until he BBSbe
He got, too night has come), cleared in the county ... It is,
Sure thing, under the moon at night along the high road ittit 
far as to Health polzitelnee, but you see it at night, the road 
turn, meylovy hour has arrived, as announced by the message of 
the bars, the eyes vypychat all want to reach as quickly as 
possible ... Zashibut ... Crash'i vaschsche over the heads of 
the bars ... And then ishsho happens - the owner of an 
unreasonable in his stall enclosure raskormit gabarytov 
obscene, and yet crash on his neck, sit down - and vypuskaet 
... And rushing beast a sort of beefy on the way, everything in 
its path trample strives to ... But already traffic-how 
korezhit, the killing is one ... No order for the mind to do so 
enclosure break something on a handful of pomenee yes miss 
during quiet ... Yes, and that there long rassusolivat, 
different hosts some popadayutsya ... 

Same here, went to our programmer beaten track, komputer drags,
yes all on the side strives to - well, as shot down and not 
notice? AND komputer potopchut, and most sides mangled ... And 
then crawls on road with tropochki stray skinny message of such 
hilenky on first Poglyad and no status at all ... But tokmo at 
first, because had the message of status, the status secret 
Rogue yes, kill be nicknamed. Is attached to this form goner 
for Attachments fatter, prokovyrivaet hole in the package - and 
tyrit on the move all the luggage! In Attachments something one 
thought in mind - reach quickly, before he remembered that the 
cargo pokrali, kill-it far has to be ...


So this was from takovskih.

Wow, very tongue fall off Wait ...

Okay, then tell budyam ...

Chose was listed frigging kill yourself fatter enclosure, rear
get a job has become ... Villainous his robbery accomplishes 
... Yes on he spotted trouble Programmer our glazastenky 
maneuvers EVOH Yes, and realized what was happening ... And he 
fell in his tail. And tokmo kill nasty claw their skukozhennuyu 
a stranger offered good as he slammed on his paw programmer 
drukarkoy in battle tested! Paw-and shrumkalasya ... Squealed 
kill trash, ran away, but with a fright into the oncoming lane 
left, There's something an end and come ... But enclosure, 
programmers saved on roadside Srul, braked in front of there 
and let programmers in acknowledgments speak ... For the night 
so dinner in paragraph zazval his destination, saying there 
helluva lot of hospitable host, the zagorbok himself seated and 
even ran with all his ... 

That's how it byvaet - do not get caught this kill malicious 
long would More programmer feet a squab to the house would have 
... Like so yeah not so, since the incident turned out not near 
as the long road ...


Oh! Does mail event struck? That's right! Rinky-dink with you -
message of roaring heard from here! Escape is released back -
doskazhu!

Phew, managed to barely! Give a sip of beer, a dry throat ... 
Oh, good beer overseas, Tuborg prozyvaetsya other day message of

Pribluda with three drawers ...

Well, domchal enclosure programmer, owner of heroic
exploit all povyskazal - surprised the host, in the inn
zazval, seated at the table, began to regale yes to question ...
He told his master programmer without reserve all their 
incident - zelo porazhalsi owner! So all of a startled and took

Programmer laid to rest. And the bad service rendered a
The master programmer infestation so forgetful! For in
thoughtfully laid to sleep, he Programmer OUT-directory, and
barely slept programmer bedtime strong oposlya works righteous, 
as pinned in entu most directory of mail-robot tupovatenky yes 
and packed all content (for it is said he was - *.*) in the 
solid ZIP and even send the entire package on a sturdy 
enclosure at the edge chuzhedalnye ...


Verily I say unto you - be afraid *.*!

That's it. Woke up our programmer, you look - and the place-and
unknown at all, circle hold message of lying, a mess, no
a living soul ... Somehow from ZIP'a got, got, komputer
its picked up, fumbled around - found a bag with sturdy 
shoulder straps, rukzak be nicknamed, Zatar it komputer - and 
went to his out ... On the way out, and saw a column verstovoy 
/ index, looked at the labels - and zakruchinilsya ... Because 
it skidded to the edge distant, unexplored, and yesterday 
evening he was a stone's throw from his house ... But nothing 
to do, under a still file bytes are not teket, he started the 
journey arduous ... 

And it was way too heavy and full of exploits yes 
accomplishments, but this separate tale must say ... It will 
tell about the little things. He met on the road as a message 
of small, sirotinushku by the road disappeared. And he picked 
it warmed / foods, and became the message of one of his most 
faithful servant. For a message of samurai / kamikaze and could 
serve as sparing the stomach of his ... And there was a message 
of small cargo a secret - a terrible bomb / destructive, angry 
vorog Kowa Lion suprotiv Vladimir the Red Sun sends the message 
of greetings in the guise of friendship. And was message of a 
small devoted body and soul, our programmer suffering, and 
revealed to him the secret of his burden. And he said 
programmer, a bomb this very beholding - this terrible thing! 
And it will be better throw it in a remote corner so undermine 
- because a lot of evil to cause can ... And they decided to do 
so, and walked away from the road carriageway in gluhomanny 
angle. But it so happened that runs through their path near Wow 
Olkina lair, bandits known to all so bloody. AND When he heard 
he speeches of their negligence in the darkness of night, and 
he zlomyslil villainous attack on the pilgrims of peace. Wow 
jumped Olkin due angle in the middle of trails, fall vicious 
razzyavil ... Worth, bludgeon poigryvaet, his hair svivaet / 
razvivaet yes uttered speech nasty, scary ... Like, let's, 
traveler, here with a sack good - maybe still alive ... 
Storopel here was a programmer our sights on this 
straholyudnogo but true message of the sleeve it pulled da bomb 
slipped. Usmehnelsya our programmer undaunted, white ruchenkoy 
waved - and vpendyuril entu bomb into the jaws gaping Olkina 
Wow! Wow Olkin, crud / roach, jaws of some of the greed and 
snapped - then that bomb and the @ # $ 'la! Ah, itit your left, 
blown to pieces Oh Olkina on zakoulochkam! AND have not heard 
from that time no one on entom robber ... And travelers ours 
veshchichki gathered back into the path / road empty ... 

So, ogloedy! Such are the heroes that lived in the old days! 
And you only the message of the tails to wind a lot!


            *** End (tale) ***