Seven and 1 / 2 - 65 jokes ...

                JOKES!
__________________________________________


                  *

 A Jew goes to Israel and carries with it
live parrots across the border. Customs Officer:
- Live poultry overseas export is prohibited. Jew:
- What is it?
- And that's the case. Government decision.
You can take out a scarecrow or a carcass, a living
impossible.
- What is this pogyadki such?
- Do not put the instructions - and that's it!
The dispute delayed and gradually turns into a scandal. A 
parrot can not stand: - Abgam! Though stuffed, although carcass 
- only the removal of me from this electric dugdoma!



- Izzy! This pgavda that you married
gusskoy?
- Pgavda.
- But why?
- Understand ... Evgeyki so often get sick ...
- What gusskie less sick?
- No, gusskie too often, but not so
sorry ...


 The phone rings:
- Hello? Call Gabinovicha.
- He is not.
- He used to gabote?
- No.
- On holiday?
- No.
- I pgavilno you understand?
- Yes.


- Abgam, pgavdu govogyat that when you Izzy UDAG, you can not 
otgeagigoval. - I do not otgeagigoval? Hogoshenkoe thing!

And who then fell?


- Sarah, where are you such a blouse bgala?
- In Pagizhe.
- And this is far from Kobelyaki?
- Uh-uh ... TGI thousands kilometgov.
- Wow! This wilderness, but as a sew!


- Abgam where you money begete?
- In the nightstand.
- And who puts them there?
- My wife.
- Where is she to beget?
- I give.
- And where you'll begete?
- In the nightstand.


 Jew goes abroad. From the bushes:
- Stop! Who goes there?
- Sha ... Nobody going nowhere!


- Izzy, you subscribe to a newspaper?
- Do you think - I'm in the toilet with gepgoduktogom go? ..


 Jew comes to the Philharmonic Director:
- Zdgavstvuyte!
- Hello.
- I would gabotat you konfeganse.
- It is excluded. You have the same defect diction.
Work out if we can fix it -
come.
 ... A week later he comes again:
- Hello!
 Director of amazement:
- Hello ...
- Well, as I otgepetigoval?


 Policeman Jew on the "Volga" stops:
- You have exceeded the speed!
- Well, what gussky bystgoy not like riding!
- With your fine - 500000.
- Well, where do the poor evgeya money!?


 Two Jews are sitting on the bench. One continuously swallowing 
pills. Another asks: - What are you doing for all vgemya 
swallow pills? - Pain.

- Do you something hurts?
- No. Pgosto zavtga ends sgok their
date.


- Hello, Abgam home?
- So far, yes. But the wreaths already issued.


 The boy - a Jew comes home:
- Dad! Can I gusskim?
- How dare you! Evgey - it's a national gogdost, and you! .. 
Magsh into a corner on the an hour!

 An hour later he goes:
- Well, just one hour gussky and
how many of these Jews nategpelsya!


 A Jew - Other:
- I hope I'm sick.
- Why are you hoping for this?
- I would not want to be zdogovym and feel pagshivo! ..


 An old Jew is dying - the store owner.
Relatives gathered near him. He moans:
- Celia, are you here?
- Here I am, Abgam here ..
- Sam, my son, you're here, too?
- Here, Dad ..
- Daughter, and you're here?
- Yes, I'm here too ..
- Who, then, in the store!?


 Sanatorium. Four Jews are sitting on the porch. One:
- Ah!
 Second:
- Oh!
 Third:
- M-da!
 Fourth:
- You can even leave govogit not about politics "?


- Sema vchega I wanted to give to Mogdy!
- Where did you get?
- Yes because it gave!
- Che are you govogish they wanted?
- So if you do not wish gazve b given!?


 In the trolley passes the Jewish kid a ticket to the one 
validated. Kid looks, and he is already full of holes.

- Why, he's been validated!
- Nothing! There's still a place there!


 In the toilet sit two Jews. One other
asks:
- Do you think that what we are doing now,
gabota is mental or physical?
- ... I think - mental.
- Why?
- If it was physical, we would have hired someone to ...


 A Jew on the train departs from the platform. Out of the 
window, and he a goon on face as will! Jew:

- You Th, man! You are segezno?
- Yes!
- Well, lucky you! And I'm not kidding
love you ..


 Jew wrote home from the army: "Dear Dad
and mom! I'm all good. I serve in the cavalry, so I ask you to 
send the 200 rubles to buy a horse ... "  Answer: "Hello son!" 
Your letter does not received, because the two hundred rubles 
to send no can. Look not get there in the fleet to

did not have to buy an aircraft carrier. "


- Sam, you know who Cagle Magks?
- No.
- Now if you go with me on politkguzhok sgedam and Fridays, you 
would knew.

- And you, Izzy, who is familiar with Wiseman?
- No.
- Now, if you did not go to your kguzhok,
then you would know who is your wife on
sgedam and Fridays!


- Izzy, you know who by nationality
Mao Tse-tung? - That you sho !!!?!?


 The dying Jew gives final instructions to his wife:
- Fabgiku I leave our son Stagshaw
Enoki ..
 Wife:
- Enoki? This is a drunkard? It is better to Nathan!
- Hogosho .. Let it be Nathan .. I give and bequeath the house 
Tsile .. - What? Few, perhaps, her husband's house?

Better leave him Sagochke!
- Okay, let Sagochke .. I leave the money
Isaac ..
- Isaac! Da best Sema, who is also ..
 Jew interrupts:
- Listen, who among us umigaet - you or me?


 Village. Abraham and Sarah are sitting in the yard. Sarah:
- Abgam. Posmotgi what ggustnaya kugochka!
Can SMAD from her soup?
- Well, if you think that this is her gazveselit ..


 The guy in the door calling. Opens - Jew
cost:
- Pgostite, it's not you vchega pulled from
pgogubi evgeyskogo boy?
- Well, I do.
- A cap, pgostite, where?


 Do Jews lost five kilos of fat. He
decided that it ate the cat. Caught her,
weighed - just five pounds.
- Stganno .. Where, then, has got to itself
cat?


- Rabinovich, how old are you?
- Do not wait!


 Odessa. Deribasivska street. On the corner stands a Jew. 
Suitable visitor: - Sorry, you do not know where Deribasivska?

 Jew:
- It's something I do not know where Degibasovskaya? I?
I am, yes I do not know?? No, you just posmotgite at him! I do 
not know where Degibasovskaya! Yes, you know what? Fuck-ka you 
in the ass! I do not know where Degibasovskaya! Wow!



 Two Jews:
- I wish I could have so much money that
to them, you could buy a plane!
- Why do you plane?
- Yes, I do not need a plane! I want pgosto
have so much money!


 In the gallery Jew asks General: - This is who Suvogov?
 General (mimicking):
- Yes, it Suvogov, Suvogov ..
 Jew:
- Why did you let me podgazhaete? You'd better
podgazhali him!


 Call to Anti-Corruption Squad:
- Zdgavstvuyte it calls Gabinovich. Please tell me how much 
vgemya? - Two hours of the night.

 Five minutes later another call.
- Zdgavstvuyte it calls Gabinovich. Tell me please, kotogy hour?
- Two hours and five minutes!
 Five minutes later:
- Zdgavstvuyte it ..
- Rabinovich you have all zadolbali! Come here and take away 
their confiscated alarm clock! 


 In the store on display ad: "Hebrews
sour cream will not sell!. "buyers start
resent:
- This is what you are here for anti-Semitism divorced?!
- And you have this sour pgobovali?


 At Red Square Jew asks a policeman:
- Pgostite, why vokgug Kgemlya such
high wall?
- And to the fools do not climbed.
- Pgostite and there or obgatno?


 Rabinowitz was taken to the KGB:
- Where were you in the 17 th year?
- In Begdicheve.
- And where you were in the 18 th year?
- In Zhitomige.
- We will detain you until all the circumstances.
- And can I ask you vopgos?
-??
- And where were you in 1894?
- And why it interests you?
- Oh .. then Goss was an epidemic
holegy ...


 Rabinovich:
- I have only the Bolsheviks gashozhdenie
by aggagnomu vopgosu. They want me to
lying in the ground, and I want them to lay
in the ground!


 Abram - Sarai:
- Saga, you know, and I pagtiyu joined!
- Well, vchega in the shit, today - in pagtiyu!
- No, I recorded there a member!
- Shaw among them, Guchkov that Lee was not?


 Recently arrived in the U.S. Izzy Katzman close
with Bank of America sells seeds. Takes
any currency. Passerby:
- Sir, I have no will exchange?
- No. .. We ugovog this kontogoy -
nods to the Bank of America - I do not do exchanges, but they 
do not togguyut seeds .. 


 Phone call.
- Society "Memory" is listening.
- Are you govogit Gabinovich. Please tell me that it pgavda 
evgei pgodali Goss? - Yes, yes, sold, Jewish face! That

do you want?
- I would like to know where I can get
their share?


- Rabinovich, how old are you?
- Fifty.
- But on the passport of sixty!?
- I spent ten years!
- So, what are you at this time have not lived?
- Schaub so you live!


 The KGB Rabinovich discouraged to go to Israel:
- Think you there will be good?
As they say, well, where we do not!
- That's it, I'm going back to where you do not!


 A Jew was sitting near the radio.
- Now in Moscow, 12 pm, in Karaganda - 14 hours in Novosibirsk 
- 16, Omsk - 17 hours in Magadan - 21 ..

- Oh, my God! Not stgana and bagdak!


- Izzy, you've heard gusskie flew into space!
- Shaw, everything! "


 Tram rides in Leningrad. The conductor announces the stop.
- Area Uritskogo!
- Former Dvogtsovaya - says the old
Jew.
- Street Gogol!
- Former Little Mogskaya.
- Prospectus of October 25!
- Former Nevsky.
- Yes, shut up, Comrade Jew .. Former Jew face!


 In the HR department put your computer. Comes to man to get a 
job: - Hello!

 Computer:
- Hello! Your education?
- Higher.
- Pass.
 ...
- Hello!
- Hello! Your education?
- Average.
- Good-bye!
 ...
- Zdgavstvuyte!
- Good-bye!


- We would have taken you, but we need an officer
with the knowledge of higher mathematics.
- I graduated from Mekhmat.
- Very good, but you also know the nuclear physics.
- I also graduated from the Physics Department.
- Great! But the fact is that in Ashgabat, we have the 
sponsored enterprise so you need to know the Turkmen language.

- I know tugkmensky language!
- How long are you still going to make fun of me, jew face?


 Sarah wrote Abram to the front:
 "... It is necessary to plant potatoes, and garden
dig up a nobody. And the roof of the shed runs ...".
 Answer:
 "... What I can - help. But do not dig the garden, where I had 
buried the gun ...".  Sarah - Abraham:

 "... They came to security officers. Dug up the whole
garden ...". Abram - Sarai:
 "... Help than he could. To plant potatoes ...".


 Jew meets another.
- Haim, where are you gabotaesh?
- The domain factory.
- Cast iron melt?
- No, dominoes do.
- And why are not you at gabote?
- Because I gabotayu vygezatelem dygochek.
- So why do they not vygezaesh?
- I ustgoilsya the shop, which produces snipe-empty.


 From talking to the Anti-Corruption Squad Rabinovich:
- Do you have a problem.
- So gazve a bad thing?
- Do you have a car.
- So gazve a bad thing?
- Does your wife - mink coat!
- So gazve a bad thing?
- But your salary - just one hundred and fifty
RUB!
- So it gazve hogosho?


 Rabinovich, before leaving for Israel bought
thousand sets of portraits of the Politburo. Wife:
- Abgam, why are they to you?
- Ah .. Otkgoyu in Izgaile stgelkovy Teague!


- Rabinovich, do you want in Israel. You think it's
low pay?
- No pay hogosho.
- Not satisfied with the work?
- It ustgaivaet.
- Poor housing?
- No, kvagtira good.
- So what are you, jew face, you want more?


 Instructor of the District Committee on Agriculture
speaks at a meeting of the collective farm. He speaks about the 
benefits of breeding chickens. With each chicken can get so 
many rubles annual income. Interrupted his question:

- And how much to pay the Jew to education,
when leaving?
- Four thousand .. But we will not deviate,
Comrades ...
 He goes to the breeding of sheep and explains the 
profitability of this business. Again interrupted: - How much 
pay a Jew - an engineer, if leaving?

- About eight thousand .. But I continue, comrades ...
 And he says about breeding cattle. From each cow can get
so many rubles annual income ...
- And if a Jew had finished university?
- Twelve thousand .. But why are you these Jews!?
- So, maybe, more profitable for us Jews to breed?


 In the hospital general indignation: the Jewish maternity 
cases, doctors and staff are clearly better. The medical 
director is drawn to skandalyaschim women:

- Comrades mother, be conscious
citizenesses! They have the same products at
export!


- "Comrades! Discover art
part of the evening devoted to the fight against Zionism. The 
first number in front of our concert you speak Zionist Perdyuk 
... Sorry, Serdyuk pianist!



 In the institution from which the long-cleaned
all Jews, complained to the foreign delegation. Before her 
arrival, fearing the fuss about anti-Semitism, locksmith Ivanov 
renamed Rabinovich. The delegation has settled in the 
director's office. Immediately the question was asked, whether 
the Jews in the institution. Director presses the button on the 
selector: - Call Comrade Rabinovich! .. How to go?!



 Rabinovich passes by the NKVD. On the door -
sign: "No Trespassing."
Rabinovich:
- You would think that if there was written "Dobgo Welcome!", 
Then I would go there come!



- Rabinovich! They say you're a big schemer!
- Yes, and who appreciates this?!


 At a lecture on communism Rabinovich sets
question: - Here you govogite that all so hogosho, and what had 
happened to oil?  Lecturer:

- E-uh ..?..?.. I'll think about and answer the next time. The 
next time you raise a hand another.

 Lecturer:
- You probably want to ask what had happened to oil?
- No, I want spgosit, what happened to Gabinovich?


 Call.
- Hello, this is the KGB?
- No, the KGB had burned.
 Another call.
- Hello, this is the KGB?
- No, the KGB had burned.
 Again the call.
- Hello, this is the KGB?
- You said: KGB Fired!
- And can I pgiyatno hear it ...


- Rabinovich, why do you want to go to Israel?
- Tired of pgazdniki!
- What holidays?
- Such! .. Sausage bought - pgazdnik, toilet paper got - 
pgazdnik! 


 A Jew explains in the Local Police Department that two reasons
forced him to go to Israel:
- Pegvaya pgichina - my neighbor govogit me:
"Wait, jew Mogdy as soon as the Soviet regime will end the same 
day you zagezhu!" .. - What are you afraid of? The Soviet 
government never end!

- Here, here! This is vtogaya pgichina ..


 Rabinowitz was appointed an agitator in the election, and he 
walks home from one door to other:

- Pgostite, I SGE you pegedat that
Soviet power is the best in the MiG. Sorry to bother you, bye ..


 Rabinovich sent to business trips abroad in
kapstranu. From there he sent a telegram:
"I Chose Freedom." Called a party meeting,
to brand and make Rabinowitz
draw conclusions. Suddenly in the middle of the meeting is 
Rabinovich. Dumb. Rabinovich: - I was integesno, as you will 
understand my teleggammu!



 Decided to open a brothel in Odessa for
foreign seafarers. And they are after swimming helluva lot of 
women are hungry for decent rush of the cities. Well, was 
invited to City Committee aunt Pesyu with Moldavian, known in

pre-revolutionary Odessa, madam, and offer it to head a new 
institution. S promise all sorts of goods. Aunt Pesya:

- Neet, I know your poryadochki. Ten beds
- For the city committee, twenty - for RC, authorities - on 
demand, in the spring you will my girls to pull the farm for 
the sowing, fall - to harvest. And Aunt Pesya lie

and carry out the plan, yes?


 Jew comes to the partisan unit:
- I want to be pagtizanom!
 Commander for inspection gives him a bundle of leaflets:
- On, distributed among the population.
 Two weeks later, the Jew returned. Commander:
- Why so long?
 Jew hands a wad of money:
- Well, you tovagets I slipped! ..


                 END ...