Wallpaper #07 06 ноября 1999

Юмор

funny? - a humorous story of "Mortal Kombat".

               6. FUNNY!



             Deathmatch


                 Prologue.


   Shang Tsung stretched and belched, beer,
which watered his Rayden, was nasty and
stale. Rygnuv again, he tried to
jumping to his feet, as in his youth,
but from it (youth) there was only gonorrhea podtseplenny 
neyzvestno from anyone. 

   Shang Tsung has long nursed a grudge against
Rayden'a, because this "skunk in panamke" watered
Its only beer, which Shang Tsung kicked out of the bygone PERIOD
FITNESS. Rayden himself drank good beer, which was able to whip 
in Shang Tsung'a using teleportation. This reptile was 
condensed in either a secret cellar Shang Tsung'a, gaining a 
backpack of beer, burned all the lights high-voltage discharge 
and evaporated. Shang Tsung Rayden'u wanted to give a couple of 
wine cellars, together with their contents, but Rayden

always refused the gift, he did not want to lose a steep 
razvlekuhi. Rayden'u liked to beat up the guards, converging at 
the sound of beating light bulbs and bottles, and as the roar 
of the falling boxes. Very pity it was that Shang Tsung'u 
Rayden'a impossible to catch, he was always evaporated together 
with a pack of beer and therefore Shang Tsung could not beat 
Rayden'a in a fair battle, there was no reason (not caught - 
not a thief). 

   Pokryahtev a couple of minutes and, Shang Tsung
got out of bed and looked out into the yard. There
he saw Liu Kang'a which roughly pestered the guard.

   "You're face, I skip to the Shang
Tsung'u or not? "- Said Liu Kang, rubbing his fists.

   The guard blew his nose and stood in a rack.
Liu Kang spent his series of kicks and
made a nice sweeps and then flew off to the side, sat in the 
sandbox, and wept. The guard rubbed his fist and grinned. Shang

Tsung despicable laughed and invited Liu
Kang'a palace.

   Going into the dining hall, they met
there Rayden'a, who sat on the ground Shang
Thung'a and picking his teeth candlestick.

   "Hi, Dzyadok, I immediately jumped to devour you like, do 
not mind?" - Rayden overturned in the mouth savory sip of wine 
- "Oh, you already acquainted with this mug! "- He

nodded at the Liu Kang'a.

   Liu Kang immediately issued a war cry
and a jump jumped into a fighting stance. Shang
Tsung bitter smile, he knew that
Rayden'om this method will not work. And, indeed,
Available immediately through Rayden'a was no longer on
throne, and Liu got hurt candlestick
on the head.

   Rising from the floor and otryahnuvshis, he
looked around and asked: "And where is that, in
panamke? "- On that Shang Tsung replied:" Probably, he climbed 
into the cellar;). 

   Liu Kang tried to think like Rayden
fell into the cellar, but after a candlestick in his terrible 
headache and he could just ask: "When the tournament starts,

Shang Thung? Our soldiers are ready! ".

   Shang Thung'u wanted to embed Kang'u
in the face, but he restrained himself - rules! He
could not understand why this small Chinese
very best wishes to disperse a crowd, the
more than that she was going only once a century.

   "You, Kang, it is not here ... our
are not yet ready "- he invented an excuse.

   Kang smoothed his hair and said: "This
very bad, Shang Thung, because at this
tournament, the fate of an entire planet! "-
Kang stood in a pose - "And we had the undoped
honor to defend their world in a grave and dangerous
fight! "- he gulped water and choked -" And
right now I'm talking to you in the world,
but the time will come when we will meet in the ring
honor, in the bloody battle of courage, whose name - MORTAL 
KOMBAT !!!". 

   Shang Thung closed his eyes, he was sick.
She remembered the lecture on the history of the Communist 
Party, which sometimes (with a big hangover), he read Sub-Zero. 
Liu Kang continued to carry something about the bright future 
of both worlds, old and Sorcerer sadly thought: "Rayden, 
reptile in panamke someone you shoved me! "


   Rayden has always tried to lead Thung'u
pozakovyrestee fighters, and when he
resented it, Rayden slapped on Dedkov
back and said, helped her up:
"Give it up, so even more fun!" Let's go, I
You'll take a beer. "- and Rayden smiling
why it panamka boxes and Apparel
ran lightning. One day he brought to the
tournament of some guy in a green flak jacket, obveshanogo 
weapons and Chainsaw hands. He was quite wild, and immediately,

I heard about the shadow world, growled, "I
knew it ... Panamke shit! "And began to shoot at all, sometimes 
saying: "Damn ... Pigs ... Yes, I till the Heavens

'll get! ". To my surprise quickly overcome
protection of the palace, he took a chainsaw and went
by Shang Thung'a nehoroshey with a grin.
Shang Thung never felled timber, and therefore do not know what 
a chainsaw and how to enjoy. Fortunately, the guy something to 
distract, but Shang Tsung gone all week with chainsaw in his 
beard, as Rayden zavazhnichal and said he did not know how to 
remove it, and Sub-Zero with a chainsaw sick.

However, a week later a man came and took a chainsaw with a 
beard, muttering under his breath something about bullets and 
saying that he no longer plays. "According to At least, that at 
least behave decently - and looked at the Shang Tsung Liu 
Kang'a who had just stopped and looked at

him, as if expecting something.

   "Yes, Liu, lad!" - He said - "If
You stay alive, on earth you are far away
go ". Liu Kang jumped up and shook his hand magician, bouncy 
gait, strode back to the gate. Sang Tsung angrily looked at 
Rayden'a, who was sitting on the same place with the new bottle 
in his hand, but say anything and just decided not to hurt 
snorted. God of Thunder came to the Emperor of the Shadow World 
and put his hand on shoulder. He sipped from a bottle, and 
together they sang a song that is taught their Sub-Zero. They 
did not know about this song (it was at some unknown to them

language, native to Sub-Zero), but heard
that there sings something about the cold.

   Shang Tsung at this time followed the
Kang'om, which passed the guard with the
independent air, kicked his leg and then
ran down the street, happily bouncing around.

   "No, what did this mug Liu
Kang! "- Rayden said tenderly -" It is hard
was to find him. "

   Shang Thung said: "That's for sure ..."
and they opened another bottle. Day despite
on rotten morning promised to be joyous and
enjoyable.

   Around the same time somewhere in the chambers
Palace woke Sub-Zero. His light sleep
interrupted by a dirty swearing, which could be heard from the 
room. Pushed his way his eyes, he looked carefully and realized 
that he swore Scorpion, which is already the second week in a 
row trying to sharpen your harpoon.


   "What does?" - Asked sympathetically
Sub-Zero, stretching and yawning.

   "See yourself" - Scorpion apprehensively looked at the ninja.

   "A whetstone you from?" - Sub-Zero
outweighed the legs off the bed and stood up, groaning and
scratching.

   "Rayden gave, what?" Scorpion opened
mouth and stared at his hairy chest.

   "Oh, nothing. And what about news?".
Sub-Zero had in mind Kano, who was recently sent to him on 
Shang Tsung, he put it, "acclimatization".


   "Am I watching him, or what?"

   At this time the door opened, and appeared in the doorway, 
accompanied by Liu Kang and Sonya'i Cage'a. 

   Sonya was standing between two boys and smiled kindly to all 
present. Her gentle, warm eyes walked along the broad shoulders 
and powerful thighs Sub-Zero, stayed on his stubble, and then 
spread to the Scorpiona, who unwittingly squared his shoulders 
and returned to the Sub-Zero. View Sub-Zero went through 
Sonya'nym hips slipped on a slender, moderately naked

legs and long lingered on his chest.
Sonya intercepted the look and blushed with pleasure. She 
exhibited her chest slightly forward and took the shy

pose, now they have already watched it. Liu
Kang ominously looked at it and came out a little
forward blocking Sonya'yu.

   "We are warriors from Earth. My name is Liu Kang,
and this is Cage, and here is Sonya, my girl! "- Liu Kang said 
proudly. 

   These words brought Sub-Zero from the state
euphoria, he grabbed the first thing that caught my
him by the arm and threw it in Liu Kang'a.
This 'first' was Kano, who was lying on the floor after 
yesterday's binge. In Kano air spun as powerful

muscles Sub-Zero gave him not only sustained but also the 
rotational momentum. He Flying on a perfect straight line and 
hit Liu Kang'u right on the head. He hiccuped and sat on

floor, straight into a pile of bones, the remains of 
yesterday's dinner. Kano dropped right there beside prepodnyal 
head and cloudy eyes swept all present. He was obviously trying 
to remember who are these people who surround him.



                  Kano.


   Kano got to fight accident. His
here has a passion good to eat. Shang
Thung found him in a diner, located near the port. In Kano had 
no money, and he beat the whole shebang, requiring some dinner. 
And got himself Tsung'u, who arrived in Hong Kong to seek 
rights for the tournament. After Kano ate, sorcerer approached 
him and offered to knock the place where well-fed. Kano, which 
drew Chinese steamed rice with gladly accepted, though muttered 
to order that he did not have fun coming here, something about 
the case and its mafia. However, all troubles were soon 
settled, the shipment of drugs had gone to his native America, 
and Kano was in the shadow world. By the way, he learned that, 
besides a good meal there will be more and fight, and his very 
happy. Slightly spoiled the mood is that the women were 
tugovat, but Kano, on apparently did not believe in the Shang 
Tsung'u this issue.


   "What do you know that old bastard on the broads!" -
thought he had calmed down. Sailed
Island, Kano prudently looked around and kicked some sort of 
creature, which strove to bite his pants. Creature hissed 
angrily and a good American Kano sent away, and in such terms, 
which even he had never heard of. Ofigelo seeing this little 
thing look, he stared at Shang Tsung'a and demanded an 
explanation. That petty smiled and said that this 'change' call 
Reptile, and that now, perhaps, Kano will have to fight her in 
a duel. 

   "On what this fight?" - Kano finally furious and grabbed 
Dedkov for the remains of a beard, but he rushed the guards, 
and began a steep razvlekuha. When all the guards were over, 
Dedkov already a trace, and Kano had no choice, in addition,

that spit and go to the palace. However,
his mood improved and he thought
that if the match would have to fight
such as peasants and yascheretsami, the bad
would this podzarobotat. He appeared to
Shang Tsung'u and demanded robust design bucks
if he won.

   "I think you need me to here
fought, well, so you and pay "- Kano spat
on the lamp - "and see what would scoff
there, and drink, too - all under your responsibility ". Shang 
Tsung happily agreed, since, firstly, no witness was, and 
secondly nobody has been able to beat Sub-Zero. Both were 
satisfied, and Kano had dinner with a magician, it was good to 
eat what.


   At sleduyushee morning, after breakfast,
Shang Thung posted Kano in the living room palace, and his soul 
became quiet. He knew that the Sub-Zero for some reason does 
not like Americans ... Kano went to the palace, smiling. He was 
glad that he managed so cleverly 'cheat'

Shang Tsung'a. He already felt like the master in this world, 
and he began to figure out that pretty from here you can steal. 
He opened the door, pnuv her leg and went

In the inside without knocking. When his eyes
accustomed to the darkness, he saw two guys who sat at the 
table and something to drink. Guys (and it was Scorpion and 
Sub-Zero) also look with interest at Kano. That

felt something that he really got sick
fight.

   One of the guys, the one who was dressed
into something yellow, said: "You are about uuda,
shit? ". Kano decided that Shang Tsung does
not such a fool as it seems, but what a fool, perhaps, he 
himself said: "I Kano, sent me here himself Shang Tsung! ". When

that his voice squeaked, and my throat shut.

   "Shang Thung, you say?" - Scorpion said, mentally, and began 
vylazit due table. Kano wanted in America. He

sadly remembered his native Chicago, where it all
knew and feared.

   "Guys, why are you?" - Kano depicted on
zaiskivuyuschiyu face smiley - "Do you want me
you wash my dishes! ".

   Scorpion did not pay attention to these
words and continued to work closely Kano, but Sub-Zero said: 
"Wait, bald (it was klikuha Scorpion'a), there need to 
understand ". Kano with hopefully looked at Sub-Zero ...


   Three days and three nights in Kano washed the dishes. On
kitchen the size of a stadium, it was everywhere.
Piled it there seems to be a few years.
Kano was sorry about what caused it
washing. A couple of times visited Sub-Zero and inquired how 
things were going. Broken off and subdued Kano replied that 
everything is normal, and at the end of the third day of 
Sub-Zero said: "Well right, pot, let's go have a drink or 
something. " Kano nodded happily, and they went into the dining 
hall. On the way, Kano said that from Sub-Zero is already 
smelling of alcohol, as they came, he saw a Scorpion, who was 
lying in corner. Scorpion was in there ... buhoy and did not 
react to external stimuli, such as on Sub-Zero, who kicked his 
foot passing by. 

 - Get drunk as a pig - he said with a ninja
disgust
 - And we all drank some - he pointed to three empty bottles 
were lying near the table. 


   Liter bottles were. "No, I do not know how
drink now "- he sat in front of Kano
and poured him a glass of vodka. "Maybe, though you
stronger - hopefully he added, raising his glass. Kano also 
limit your glass and got out eyes, reached for a snack.

"After the first is not a snack!" - Said
Sub-Zero strictly and poured another glass of ...


          Prologue (continued).


   All this reminded of Kano, where he looked at Sub-Zero. 
However, it remained unclear where this took some other boy in 
shorts and his old friend (Liu Kang'a Kano had not noticed, 
because he lying directly beneath it, and no signs of life). 
Kano stood up and staggered walked toward the couch. He

very bad headache, but it still nauseated and shaking. 
Everything around is spinning, and Kano just wanted to lie down 
somewhere, that would just leave it alone. Sonya sympathetically

looked at Kano, in this state she
saw him first. However, he worried about her
little, and she decided Activities things more interesting, 
such as Sub-Zero. She again cute smiled, this time for him 
alone. Scorpion is understood and much sour as

with Sub-Zero did not want to contact him (he
have not forgotten that story, when he ran
by drunk on Sub-Zero, and he, too, for drunk otfatalil it). He 
went to the door, muttering something about the Shang Tsung'a, 
and all his anger tore at Kang'e Liu, who

trying to stand up, be in the way of nindzya.

   "Come, I'll teach you politeness -
Scorpion said Liu and dragged into the street.
After some time the window came
whistling spear and yelling Liu Kang'a. Sub-Zero
and Sonya listened and then looked
each other. For them, this day, too, promised to be a joyful 
and pleasant. 


                  Sonya.


   Sonia Blyadanova was born in Russia in 1965
year, in the village of Upper drin Smolensk
area. Her mother, Agripina Adolfovna so
and was unable to name the father born baby, and so the name 
Sonia went on mother. They lived not rich, but thanks

efforts of the mother and not poor. Until the eighth
Class Sonya went to a local school, and after went to culinary 
school. At about this stage of her life she became interested 
in the KGB. The fact that, after Sony received a college risen 
dramatically poisoning incidents of students, teachers and

staff thereof.

   Conducted an investigation into the local police,
but could find nothing, as in
remnants of food poison was found. Immediately
the case was transferred to the bodies, and soon the culprit 
was found. They, of course, was Sonia. But immediately 
discovered that the evil intent in her actions were not. Just - 
pure and Sonya, who, of course, on lectures did not go, trying 
to cook the food as it prompted a soul. Probably she had a 
talent poisoner, and KGB decided to use it for their own 
purposes. Sonia asked to move to Moscow for

revenues following proper school, and
She gladly accepted. Administration
College took the event with joy,
Why not be said about the peasants of this
the village (they say that it is conducted, they
attended by all, without exception, asked
her back and all as one, crying).
However, in Moscow, Sonia is not long delayed. Her behavior is 
demoralizing effect on the immature brains of students and guide

were dissatisfied. In addition, it became clear that
Sonia can not execute disciplinary
demands a teacher, she hated any idea of ​​subordination. Then 
the top management consulted and agreed, that Sonia is 
potentially dangerous for any States citizen, which she is, as 
well as for all states, its neighbors (to quote from the 
decision). Sonya decided to expel from the country from harm's 
way, but at the same time give her a break on the job extent 
possible enemy morale. 

   Sonya read with great pathos the job, said that her country 
hoped and put in a plane which flew in

America. In New York, met her agent,
explained to her that now her name is Sonya
Blade, but it will work in the Chicago Police Department. 
There, Sonya immediately became a favorite of the whole area, 
and crime in the city sharply increased. None of the police 
would not carry out their work, they all were more important 
things. At the police station all day drinking, and soon even 
the local mafia was go to Sonya'e visit.


   Criminal activity, too, began to gradually decline as one of 
the leaders (And this was, of course, Kano), constantly

disappeared in police custody. There has always been that
eat, drink, too, and besides the pleasant company ... So if I 
were everything, and continued until now, but during one

booze Kano, who could never forget
their gangster manners, sewed one of the
police. In itself, the case was, of course, trifling, and about 
him in an hour have forgotten it, but then the section chief

remembered that the victim owed him a twenty. He got up, went 
to Kano, and demanded back the debt. Kano, which is always did 
not like the chief, was today still a lousy mood (he does not 
give Sonya) and so he said all that long ago was going,

back up their words nehily kick. On
This would have all ended, but the head
area, waking in the armory room,
I suddenly felt like a hero, and decided
show who is boss. Quite
inappropriately at his eyes caught a grenade launcher,
and in his brain, blurred pairs of "
Northern Lights, "which taught them to do Sonya, a picture 
emerged Kano, scattered around the police station. Constructing 
manly face, head plot took naperevesku grenade and tried to 
kick open the door. The door was locked, and then he decided to 
smash it to pieces. He babahnul a grenade at the door ... 

   The Police Department of the U.S. interest, as a result of 
any mafia showdowns was blown up a police station and beaten 
half of the personnel of the Chicago police, and sent a 
validation group. The Group does not returned, except for one 
sergeant-homosexual, which is not found with Sonya'ey common 
language, and was beaten by the group. About the state of 
affairs in Chicago, he said such terrible news that has already 
seriously obosuzhdalis plans suppression with the use of the 
army, including ballistic missiles of intermediate-range and 
him.voyska. However, already before the declaration of war, 
which, of course, threatened to defeat America, there was one 
smart guy who offered only to translate Sonya'yu

in another place. Sonya, remembering instructions
Soviet intelligence, agreed. There she
picked up by a team of blue and was sent to
search for Kano, who was charged in all
what happened in Chicago. After this Sonya'e
had a long wander through the world,
as Kano was always in the business
trips. To fight it got too on
personal invitation Rayden'a, which subtly hinted to her that 
there, where she was going, bab is not something that would be 
a lot. 


          Prologue (continued).


   Whereas the Rayden and Shang Tsung
drunk, Scorpion beat Liu, and Sonya and Sub-Zero kissed Prince 
Goro woke up in his lair of some unexpected feelings. Stunned 
shook his head, He tried to understand what he was awakened.


   Scorpion at this time in the next
Liu once planted on a harpoon, and the vile smirk tugged at the 
rope attached to the harpoon. Rope taut, but not filed. 
Scorpion grunted and leaned harder. Goro roared and jumped at 
Collon balcony. It is clearly irritated by this garbage, struck

it directly into the loins of the body.

   Scorpion pulled that the strength and wonder so much to 
change the voice Liu Kang'a, and also knows where the undertaken

force. Suddenly the rope is gone, but not in the
direction, which pulled its Scorpion ...
Scorpion rescued two things.

   First - it is the poor quality of masonry
Palace (the column for which held Goro,
gave way) and the second - this, of course, teleportation. With 
the fright she had first turned out, but he did not have time

calculate the position and he hit straight to the
Sub-Zero and Sony'e bed, exactly above
Sony'i and below the Sub-Zero. Energy released during 
teleportation, tossed nindzya to the ceiling and push Sony'yu 
in bed. Sony'a cladko closed her eyes and whispered something, 
when Sub-Zero Scorpion landed on, she whispered the same again. 
Apparently, Sonya loved grupovuhu.