Humor - LOGGER.

(C) Sergey Simonovich, 1996


                            LOGGER


        John Carpenter first came to New York when he
turned twenty-one years old. He had spent his entire life before this
in Idaho, where he was born, raised and received the most scarce
profession of a lumberjack. I must say that he was very lucky in life.
John inherited the profession.  Hereditary
Both his grandfather and his recently deceased father were lumberjacks. Dying
the father left his son a family ax and bequeathed to “cut down his
TREE."
        John saw the tree only in the picture, which was
glued from the inside to the lid of the plastic chest, where
a clumsy relic was kept. Father, who never managed to cut down any
a single tree, said that the picture shows
the legendary TREE.  John quickly found the lumberjack guild - father
left a good description. And he was greeted there warmly, as if he were old
acquaintance In general, everything went very well.
        - Mr. Carpenter, please accept our condolences. We
We were proud of your father, he was one of the best lumberjacks in the country.
We are confident that you will continue his work with dignity.
        - Thank you, actually, just for a minute...
        - Yes, yes, of course, we understand and will arrange everything now.
The clerk's deft fingers flew over the keyboard and across the screen
the numbers started running.
        - In total, last year your father did not cut down threethousands
two hundred twenty-five trees totaling forty-one thousand
dollars.  Here you go, get your check. Sign here.
There are no taxes, lumberjacks are exempt from them.  Check is possible
collect at any bank.
        - Sorry, I just wanted to ask one question, if
is it possible?
        - Of course, Mr. Carpenter.
        - Sorry if I say something is wrong, this is my first time here, and
You know how it happens...
        - Feel free, Mr. Carpenter, if you need
companion, we have excellent candidates.  Choose. She
will show you the city and all that stuff. Pay hourly, nightly
the tariff, however, is double... We understand, life in the wilderness... I want
exotic...
        - No, I just wanted to ask if I could
Where can I find a tree? I'll pay whatever you need. The clerk was speechless
amazed.  But school takes its toll - he quickly recovered and pressed
some kind of button. Two men in security uniforms entered the room.
        - Escort the gentleman and please make sure that
his legs were no longer here.  His guild membership
cancelled...

        Having received money from the bank, John went wherever he could.
they look.  There was no point in returning home. The license was taken away
the hut will be sealed and, of course, the ax will be taken away. All that was left was to get drunk
or go virtual. Or maybe both together.
        Virtual machines came acrossevery corner, and John is almost
I decided when I heard an inner voice: “You won’t do this.
You can't go down like that. You must fight to the end. You can't
Better get drunk."
        Having made a firm decision to get drunk, John hailed a taxi car and
I went to the most dangerous quarter of the city.

        After the third glass it became easier, and after the fifth
John finally began to think soberly. Well, who the hell pulled him
stutter about trees when every child knows it's already three hundred
The trees have been cut down for years.  And not only in America, but also in
Siberia and the Amazon. Even the huge subsidy that
government assigned licensed loggers for not cutting down
trees.  “I’m an oak log,” he cursed to himself.
John immediately looked around to see if anyone had heard his thoughts.
        At the next counter sat a pair of depressed
programmers and whispered conspiratorially about something. Suddenly a rumor
John was stung by a casually thrown word... Here it is!
        - Listen to what I tell you. After creating this
hyperserver, so many nodes have formed in the tree that this is for you
no longer some kind of TREE, but a real BAOBAB.
        ...John felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach...
        - A little more, and the wooden structures will be
looped...
        - So what?
        - And the fact is that if you properly close the gateways, then virtuals,
those caught in the TREE will remain there.Truncated?
        - What do we need?
        - And for us - HOLLOW!  You sit quietly in it,
you watch how virtuals rush around BRANCHES and make good money
YOU'RE KNOCKING DOWN.
        The words “hollow”, “branches” and “cut down” made John dry up.
in my mouth, but my hands were sweating.

        John met the morning far from New York.  Paternal
the salary was just enough to pay for school and full board
at Lehigh University for five and a half years.
        The administrative department lost their speech when before
they realized that a real lumberjack had come to retrain
programmer  However, they took the money and, looking suspiciously,
strictly warned:
        - Mr. Carpenter, if you are looking for some light entertainment,
must inform that on the university campus
It is strictly forbidden to virtualize. You came here to study and
do not use service networks for entertainment purposes
rights.
        But John was not looking for easy entertainment. Lying on a bed in
student dormitory, he was blissful at the thought of the future
career.

        The reception office was crowded as always. Tearful ladies
nervously fiddled with handkerchiefs, men hesitantly picked at the floor
pointed umbrellas.  To get into the cherished door with
sign "Dr. Carpenter, Virtual Lumberjack" should have
get in line two hours before opening.
        - NextPlease! So, madam, what's wrong with us?
        - Doctor, help! Give me back my husband!
        - Calm down, madam, I'm sure everything will be fine.
        - Doctor, I know you can be trusted.
        - Tell me what happened to you.
        - Yesterday my Mickey returned late from work, and I,
to punish him, she locked herself in the bedroom. And don’t even feed me dinner...
        The unfortunate woman's speech was interrupted by a stream of bitter sobs.
        - When I came out in the morning, he was sitting at the computer with this
a nightmare thing on his head and showed no signs of life, although
He was quite warm and even breathed sometimes. I called my friend, she
advised me to contact you, and here I am!
        -Have you tried to take off your helmet?
        - No, my friend warned me not to do this.
While the program is running, it is impossible to disable it.
        - Your friend is a wise woman. I'll see what I can
do it while you wait in the reception area.
        John entered the patient's email address into the computer and logged in.
to the network and made several movements with the mouse, quietly
saying:
        - We cut this branch with pruning shears. So much for you! Are you living? Well
live, live, now we’ll cut it here, and here...
        Gradually entangled structure of neural connections
the patient's local network became more and more similar to
spreading tree.  Having finished his fine manipulations with the mouse, Johnleaned back in his chair, anticipating the most joyful part of the work.
Smiling sweetly, he typed TOPOR.EXE on the keyboard and pressed
ENTER.
        - Madam, you can go home, your husband is waiting for you. Not
forget to feed him at least breakfast... No, no, I don’t have any money
I'll take it. Pay at the cashier, please.
        - Next!