╔════════════════════════ ═══════════════════ ═══════════════════╗ ║ Anecdotes. ║ ╙─────────────────────────────── ───────────────────────────────╜ - The doctor said that I have innate skiing abilities sports. - How is this expressed? - My fractures heal quickly... * * * The famous surgeon says to the patient: - This is a very simple operation. In half an hour you will be able to move kick with your feet. In an hour you will be running around the bed. And in the evening you will walk home. - Can I at least lie down a little during the operation? * * * - Tell me, doctor, is it necessary to do this expensive operation? After all, I need to support my wife and my children. - Dear me too! * * * An old surgeon instructs a young one: - So, colleague, today you have your first independent operation. Be extremely focused and attentive. Otherwise you may grab your finger. * * * The nurse advises the patient: - If you wantthank the doctor, do it before the operation, and otherwise it may be too late later. * * * - Doctor, I keep seeing flashing dots before my eyes, - The patient complains to the ophthalmologist. The doctor prescribed glasses. After a few days the patient comes again. - Do you feel better? - the doctor inquires. - Of course, now I see the flickering dots much more clearly. * * * - I am now dealing with an extremely interesting case of bifurcated personality development. - Yes? And what is this interesting case? - The fact is that I managed to persuade each of them to pay me for treatment. * * * - Doctor, today I feel much better. Please, stop the course of treatment and hand me the bill for treatment. - No, no, what are you, for such a shock you are not yet enough healthy. * * * The English lady calls the footman: - You will now go to my mother-in-law Mrs. Chatterley in the hospital, she is very seriously ill, and inquire about her well-being. Lackey left and returned three hours later. - Well, how? Have you been to Mrs. Chaterley? They asked how she was doing feels? - Yes, madam. - Okay, you cango. * * * Vovochka tells her mother, who has arrived from the resort, how much fun they have I lived with my dad for a whole month: - Aunt Lyuda came to us every evening. She brought me candy you, and dad treated her to wine, and then they did the same thing as you and Uncle Kolya when dad went on a business trip. * * * Vovochka comes to the doctor and asks: - Doctor, infect me with AIDS! - ?!?! - I will infect the nanny, the nanny will infect dad, dad will infect mom, mom will infect our teacher - la in geography. I’ve had a grudge against him for a long time! * * * - Who do you love more, Vovochka, mom or dad? - dad. - Why? - He's never home. * * * - When I was young, - said the famous doctor, - I wanted become an artist. - Why did you change your mind and choose medicine? “In painting,” the doctor answered, “all mistakes are visible.” And in medicine they are buried along with the sick. * * * - Doctor! - a young man goes to the doctor. - I'm asking for your hand your daughter. - And don’t dream about it - you look like you’re sick... ki... Distressed young manheaded towards the door. - Wait! - the doctor stopped him. - From you one hundred rubles for the con- sultation. * * * - Dear doctor, thank you - now, I hope, forever cured of kleptomania! - And I hope that now you have forever lost the craving for vo- pobctby. But in case of a relapse, bring me a Japanese video. * * * The doctor listens to the patient and says: - Okay, okay... - Doctor, what’s good?! - It's good that I don't have one! * * * - Doctor, how to treat my husband? - Madam, he is absolutely healthy. - But yesterday he ran home and shouted that all the dogs were walking along street with open umbrellas! - Don’t you remember how rainy it was yesterday? * * * During his first visit to the doctor, Ivanov complained that he was in pain throat and his tonsils were immediately removed. The second time he said told that his stomach hurt, and his appendix was immediately cut out. When he came to the appointment for the third time and the doctor asked: “Well, on Why are you complaining?" - Ivanov refused to answer: he had a headache - wow... * * * A psychiatrist professor visited a hospital for the mentally ill and consulted with the chief physician, as they determine, the patient recovered ent or still sick. - We fill the bathtub with water, put a teaspoon on the edge and offer We ask the patient to remove the water. If the patient grabs a spoon, you know hey, he's still sick. And if he pulls out the plug in the bathtub, then he’s healthy. - But such a decision never occurred to me! - exclaimed pro- fessor. - I would ask for a ladle. * * * - You know, doctor, the medicine that you prescribed me last Once again, it helped. - Well, what can I say? It happens... * * * - My husband has such a cold! - Tell him to drink more and rest. - Oh, doctor, if this helps, I don’t even understand how he managed to catch a cold. * * * - Time heals all diseases... - Oh, that's why you have to wait so long for an appointment at the clinic - kah... * * * - Doctor, my wife’s voice has disappeared. What to do? - Try to return home at three in the morning today. View Rome... * * * - Doctor, I am completely exhausted from insomnia. What should I do? -Have you tried counting sheep? - I tried it, it doesn’t help. - Then let each sheep tell you a story. * * * - Doctor, when I write poetry late at night, it won’t be until the morning I can sleep. - And you try to read what you wrote. * * * - My dear, you definitely need glasses, says the doctor to the client who has just entered. - But you, doctor, didn’t even check my vision! - For what? You came to me through the window! * * * Tell me honestly, doctor, these medicinal herbs of yours bring at least any benefit? - But of course! I recently bought a dacha for my son, and I’m finishing it for my daughter. house... * * * Late in the evening a bell rang in the doctor's apartment. Called my colleague ha. A fourth partner was needed for a game of bridge. “I’m on my way now,” said the doctor. - Anything serious? - asked the wife. - It’s a serious case, a council has met. * * * The patient says to the doctor: -Believe me, doctor, I feel an indescribable horror at the thought of... at the age of ten! - What happened to you then? * * * The doctor examined the sick priest: - Don’t hang your nose, Your Reverence, we will soon put you on trial. knees. * * * The patient complains to the doctor: - I have this... here... well, what is it called when you forget? - Debts? * * * “You have high blood pressure,” the doctor says to the fisherman patient. - This is the last fishing... - Fishing, on the contrary, calms you down... - I agree with you, doctor. But I fish in a forbidden place. * * * After the examination, the doctor tells the patient: - You are completely healthy. I would only recommend you more spend time in the fresh air, and dress warmer in winter. Husband at home asked her what the doctor said. - He recommended me a holiday at sea in the summer, and mink clothing in the winter - boo. * * * The doctor asks the patient: - Tell me, are you deceiving your wife? - Well, of course. Who else? * * *Psychiatrist to patient: - So, every night you dream of some nightmare creature that... that rushes at you, screams and hits you on the head with a rolling pin? Ra- I guess this vision disappears after waking up? - That's just the point, no, doctor! In the morning it usually screams: “Stop sleeping, you slacker, take the kids to kindergarten.” * * * Psychiatrist to patient: - You shouldn’t complain about an inferiority complex. On the contrary, you are It’s rare that you correctly assess your capabilities. * * * “It’s very good that you came,” says the psychiatrist. - Well, how your wife's condition? Did she manage to recover from kleptomania? thanks to my advice? “Not yet,” the husband replies, “but her behavior has become significantly better. Now she brings things that we can use in home. * * * At an appointment with a psychiatrist: - Doctor, yesterday I finally understood. I am glass! - Don’t worry, we’ll examine you now. The doctor hit the patient on the knee with a medical hammer. "Ding!" - said the patient and crashed. * * * A correspondent comes topsychiatric hospital and sees that patients jump from the roof of a building on their beds. - What are you doing? - asks the correspondent. “We’re playing at Aeroflot,” the patients answer. -Where is the director? - And we sent him on the first flight. * * * The prostitute asks tobapku: “This is your first time - how? love or for money? " - " Well, three rubles is not money. That means love! " * * * - I recently read somewhere that there is a disease that can cure only with cognac. - Wasn’t it written there where you can catch such a disease? * * * - Hello, doctor, my wife broke her jaw! - I'll come now. - No, no, no need to rush. come back in a couple of weeks, I'll I'll take a little break from her conversations. * * * Monsieur puts down the newspaper and says to his wife: “You see, statistics Ka claims that women live longer than men." “Of course,” the wife agrees, especially widows! * * * Two friends are talking: - Does your wife clean your clothes? - No, only pockets. * * * The teacher asks the student: - What is the difference between lightning and electricity? - Lightning is free electricity.
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