Humor - Jokes.

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#%#                                                A daughter and her father are walking from the crematorium and carrying ashes in an urn.
deceased mother-in-law. Daughter says:                                    
     - Dad, let's put this urn on the piano, and when I
play, she will be pleased - after all, during her life she loved me
listen...                                                    
 Father:                                                      
     - No, daughter. We'll put her to sleep in the hourglass, let her
bitch, it will still work!                                           


     The husband comes home, the wife throws herself on his neck and plaintively:       
     - Vasya, a Vasya, let's go to a restaurant?                   
     -Are you stupid, have you gone crazy?                                    
     - Vasya, today is our anniversary, 10 years since we got married.   
     - Ah..., so we don’t have any money.                               
     - Vasya, I’ve been selecting here a little over 10 years, on
the restaurant is enough.                                                
     - So I have nothing to wear.                                   
     - And I lent you a tuxedo from Vanka, a neighbor.             
     - So you have nothing to wear.                                  
     - And Lyubka sewed an evening dress for me for this occasion.    
          - Okay, let's go.                                      
 Approaching the restaurant, yentrance doorman:                     
     - Hello, Vasya!                                      
     - Shh... I'm with my wife today.                                
     Head waiter:                                                
     - Vasya, is the table as usual?                                 
     - Shh... I'm with my wife today.                                
     Waiter:                                                  
     - Vasya, everything is as before, this very minute...                     
     - Shh... I'm with my wife.                                        
     Stripper:                                              
     - Well, who is the bravest to pull the last lace on
bikini?                                                         
     ...The whole hall in chorus:                                         
     - VASYA, VASYA, VASYA!!!!!!                                   
     The wife gets up, slaps Vasya in the face, runs out, gets into a taxi,
Vasya jumps in after her, and his wife begins to nag him:   
     - You..., I believed you so much, but you are a goat, etc.             
 The taxi driver turns and says:                          
     -...Well, you took off a bitch today, VASYA!!!...                


     A pious Jewish woman bought a parrot, brought it home and
hears:                                                         
     -...Hello, my name isSagochka. I want to fuck.   
     She, of course, fainted, and when she came to her senses,
I ran to pabbuhy for advice.                                
     - Rabbi, I wanted to buy a pious parrot, but what?
did it work? Just listen.                               
     He takes the rag off the cage and the rebbe hears:                    
     -... Hello, my name is Sagochka. I want to fuck.   
     Pebbe says:                                             
     - Don’t worry, go to my friends, they have two
pious parrots, they pray to God from morning to evening -
they will raise your Sarah.                                    
 The woman did just that. I came to the rebbe’s friends and told
tell them the whole story, they brought a cage with their parrots. She
took the rag off the cage, and again:                                 
     -... Hello, my name is Sagochka. I want to fuck.   
     And then one parrot says to the other:                      
     - Gogi, finally, the Lord God heard our prayers.         


     New Russian has made repairs, invites his friend
evaluate it.   He walked around the apartment and looked.....
He comes back and says:                                         
     - Everything is fine, only in the second bathroom you have tiles
worthless, small and brown.Owner:                                                    
     - Well, let's see why you didn't like her.         
     They go into the bathroom, the owner says:                      
     - Read what is written on the tile.                           
 A friend reads:                                               
     - Pentium PRO.                                             


     One friend meets another.                             
     - You look fucked today.                     
     She wipes her lips with a handkerchief:                          
     - And so?                                                   


     - What does your wife do?                                  
     - Builder.                                              
     - What is she building?                                        
     - Yes, she’s a whore, she pretends to be innocent.               


     A family of newlyweds inspects their new apartment. Discussing -
where to put what furniture. Suddenly a five-year-old child says:      
     - And here we will destroy the shelf.                               
     Dad will hit emy in the turnip:                            
     - Got it??!!!!                                              
     - Yes, I got it!                                               
     - What youUnderstood?                                            
     “She’s not fucking needed here.”                               


     A woman comes to the dentist for an appointment.  Sits in
chair, opens his mouth.                                          
     - You have a small hole in your tooth, now we ee
Let’s seal it,” says the doctor and turns on the drill.              
     The woman suddenly grabs the doctor by the balls.                  
     - What kind of joke is this? - the doctor is surprised.               
     - Doctor, we won’t hurt each other, okay?     


     The postman brings a registered letter and rings the doorbell. door
it is opened by a boy of about eight years old, puffing on a hefty one
Havana cigar. The postman squeezes out in amazement:   
     - Uh... are your parents home?                                    
     The boy casually flicks the ash from a cigar onto the carpet,
winks and answers:                                         
     - What do you think?                                      


     - Girl, are you an excellent student?                                   
     - No.                                                     
     - Is it good?                                              
     - No. I am a satisfier.                              


     A priest, a doctor and a programmer played golf together.
Moving from hole to hole, they soon caught up with three players,
who moved terribly slowly.  Outraged, they called
manager and asked him what was the matter?... Manager:        
     - You see, several years ago in our club there was
fire.  And these three guys saved us from complete destruction. K
Unfortunately, as a result of the burns, they lost their sight. And we are a sign
thanks for allowing them to play golf with us completely
free.                                                      
     Priest (confused):                                  
     - O!!!  I will pray fervently                           
May God restore their sight!!                                    
     Doctor (guilty):                                           
     - I know one of the best ophthalmologists in the world. Maybe he
can......                                                    
     Programmer (casually):                                    
     - Why the hell don’t they play at night?                          


     Collective farm meeting. The chairman is late, everyone is worried.
An hour late, the chairman arrives and takes the stage.
club, takes off his cap and hits it on the floor.                          
     - Well, fucked up, there’s one less thing to worry about.                   
     All:- What, did you bring food?                                      
     Chairman:                                              
     - No, the dick stopped standing.                                


     A man wakes up in the morning from Budun, his face is swollen, his head
crackles. He goes into the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror:            
     - Well?! Well?! Well-y-y???                                      
     Wife from the kitchen:                                             
     - Kolya, go have breakfast.                                    
     Man:                                                     
 - O! KOLYA!!!                                               


     Rabinovich died and was resurrected. He lives quietly. Calls him
The Pope comes to himself and asks:                                
     - Tell me, Rabinovich, you died and were resurrected, you must
know for sure. Tell me the truth: is there a God?                  
     “I understand how important this is for you,” Rabinovich answers. -
But I must tell the truth: there is no God.                             
     - Thank you for your directness. Here, take a check for two million
dollars and please don't tell anyone about this.             
     Rabinovich lives on for himself.  Calls him over, well,
Let's say Brezhnev asks:                                   
     - Tell me, Rabinovich, you died and rose again, youshould
know for sure. Tell me the truth: is there a God?                  
     - I understand that this is important to you. - Rabinovich answers. -
But I must tell the truth: God exists.                             
 - Thank you for your directness. Here, take two million rubles
and please don't tell anyone about this.                      
     And Rabinovich lives on for himself.  And calls him to her
The President of the United States says:                         
     - The United States is a free country. We, in essence,
anyway, but I'm just curious. Tell me the truth: God
is there?                                                           
     “I understand that, in essence, you don’t care,” he answers.
Rabinovich. - I’ll tell you the truth: there is a God, but he is a black man.            


     Nubobapob International Convention. After a busy day at work
day, the directors of the world's largest nubobapehs are hanging out at the bar.
The Budweiser director orders loudly for everyone to hear:      
     - Give me every American's favorite drink, I'm thirsty
quenching, easy to drink at any time of the day, transparent as
child's tear - BAD LIGHT!!                                      
 Emy is poured, he sits and sips Bud with a blissful look.
The director of the Crown clears his throat, and also:                        
     - Give me all the prideMexico, the oldest drink
civilized man, fragrant, amber, delicious
CROWN!!                                                        
     Receives, begins to savor, and cam presses the joint on
Director of Guinness - how, they say, he will show off.                  
     “And for me, my dear, a glass of Coca Cola,” says the director
Guinness.   Emy gets poured and he sucks it with pleasure
chilled pop.  Everyone is in shock. Director Corona asks,
Why didn't he order a Guinness?                                    
     “So, out of solidarity,” answers the director of Guinness. - You
You don’t drink beer, so what should I do?                               


     Crowded trolleybus.  An intellectual touches his neighbor's
shoulder:                                                          
 - Please, would it be difficult for you to convey
my composter ticket?                                       
     - What are you, #$%@@^%$, INTELLIGENT??!!!                         
     - What are you!.. What are you!... Not at all!... The same cattle as
you...                                                           


     Mama brings the boy to the doctor and says:                  
     - Doctor, please look at his letters.      
     Doctor:                                                    
     - T-a-k, from now on pussycall it a member and start
treat syphilis.                                                 


Doctor: - Do you suffer from perversions?                           
Patient: - What are you talking about, I enjoy them!                           


     pabbuh comes to the priest and says:                    
     - Like, this is the case - my bike was stolen. Moreover
someone from my community did this!  Like you too
you guide your parishioners to the right path. Here's some advice - how
find a thief among your own?                                         
     “It’s simple,” the priest answers, “you need to collect cbex and
read out the 10 commandments to them. That's when you get to don't steal,
look people carefully in the eyes, and whoever doesn’t have the eyes is the one
thief                                                            
     A day later pabbuh comes to him again with a bouquet of flowers.  
     - Well, did my advice help? - the priest is interested.       
     - Well, not exactly, in general, but the idea worked.                
     - No, so how did it all turn out?                           
     - No, it doesn’t matter.                                          
     - Well, after all? - the priest insists.                     
     - Well, you know how, so I convened the community and started reading out
commandments, and when I got to the point of not committing adultery, I remembered
where did you forget it?bike....                                         


     Vanka and Manka are lying in a haystack. They see a stallion and a mare
covers. Manya:                                                
     - Van, how did he know what she wanted?                   
     Vanya:                                                      
     - Fuck knows, by the smell, probably.                      
     We lay there some more. Then Manka says:                        
     - Van, it looks like you have a runny nose...                         


     Uni.  Faculty of Philology  Those who paid - everyone rents, those who don't - those
cutting.   A student comes - she knows EVERYTHING, but she didn’t pay.
The male examiner checked the paper - it needs to be loaded. One
asks a question, a second, a third, a fourth - she knows EVERYTHING!!!
Something needs to be done... Examiner:                             
     - Well, yes. Ask me one last question about philology,
which I cam will not be able to answer. If I can’t, you’re five,
I’ll answer - come next time.                               
     Student (without thinking):                                
     - Why is the word fucked up masculine, even though it comes from
feminine subject?  And vice versa - the word is female bullshit
gender, a comes from a masculine subject.                   
     The guy loaded up on camoe with nowhere to go!!! Long pause, then he
shakingputs FIVE in the record book with his hands, the student stands up silently
and turns to leave.  He rushes to catch up, catches up in
doors and in a pleading voice:                                     
     - Tell me the answer! I'll stop sleeping at night!!!            
     Student (with a smart look):                                 
     - I’ll explain with an example. Here I am - a woman, and if they come to me
five men are FUCK, and if five women come to you, a man
- THIS IS JUST FUCKED!!!!!!                                    


     A man comes to the doctor and tells emy that he has some kind of
mysterious illness.                                             
     - Doctor, my stomach is twisting terribly, but when I fart,
there is no sound or smell!                                         
     - Here are your pills, see me again in a week.
In a week.                                                   
     - Doctor, what have you done?!  My stomach is still churning
Only now my farts have a completely terrible smell!    
     - Well then! We think we’ve cured sinusitis, now let’s get on with it
by hearing!                                                         


     Father comes home.  His over-aged daughter is sitting, and
in front of her is an artificial penis.                                 
     - What is this?!                                                
 - Dad, there’s no hope!.. Here, I bought it in a sex shop...      
     The next day she comes home, her father is sitting in the kitchen,
on the table is an open bottle of vodka and this very dick.               
     - Dad, what are you doing?                                    
     - Yes, I’m having a drink with my son-in-law!                               


     The nun went fishing and caught a healthy bream.
A man walks by and says:                                  
     - Outrageous fish!                                    
     The nun flushes:                                        
     - How do you allow yourself such expressions! I'm a nun!    
     The guy turns out to be a joker. Without blinking an eye, he answers:   
     - You didn’t understand me, sister. That's the name of the fish.       
     The nun comes to mother and says to the abbess:       
     - Look, mother, I caught a nasty fish.         
     Mother:                                                   
 - Sister!  How do you allow yourself to use such expressions! B
monastery!                                                      
     “But that’s the name of the fish,” answers the poor nun and
Mother, who is also not boom-boom in fish, believes. Mother comes
to the priest and says:                                               
     - Look, father, that Agrafena’s sisterbrought:
disgusting fish!                                           
     Pop is shocked:                                                
     - How can you, mother! Such expressions!                 
     “What are you talking about, father, it’s just the name of a fish,” he says
the abbess, and the priest, who had never seen Lesha, of course believes.
In the evening, the Metropolitan comes to the monastery for an inspection.  Pop
seats him in a place of honor in the refectory and, joyfully rubbing
hands, announces:                                                
     - Vladyka, today one of our sisters caught
opizdinny fish.   Mother spent the whole day preparing this
disgusting fish, and now we will all eat this together
opic fish.                                           
     Metropolitan:                                                
     - And you fuckers, hexyebo, live here!                      


     A scientist speaks to an audience.                         
     - Comrades, we managed to cross white and brown
bears...                                                     
     Shout from the audience:                                            
     - So how?                                                
     - The animals were happy.                              


        - Girl, what do you prefer, a rondo or a minuet?- Where is the rondo?                                     


The New Russian cat is bathed in a golden bath, with all sorts of
awesome shampoos, wipe with a Persian towel,
they comb their hair, style their hair, special people do their manicure. And
here in the process of applying varnish to the polished claws of the cat
He hears the New Russians - the neighbors' cats are screaming from the street:             
     - Vaska, let’s go for a walk!                                     
     The New Russian cat imposingly moves onto the windowsill,
climbs onto the drainpipe and goes down it. At the very
at the last moment his paw gets into bird shit, he
slips, flies with a squeal, splashes into a puddle on his back and then
he becomes so dirty, skinny, wet and miserable. And here he is
lies in a puddle on his back, holds his paws with manicured claws
in front of himself and doomedly says:                            
     - Fuck-aa-aa, scoop - fuck-al...                           


     A man got lost in the forest in winter. He goes and yells:                
 - Help, save, ay...                                
     He feels someone touching his shoulder. Turns around
the bear crawled out of the den:                                       
     - Why don’t you let me sleep?                                       
     - Yes, I got lost.- Why are you yelling?                                            
     - Yes, maybe someone will hear.                                   
     - Well, I heard, has it become easier?                              


     In court. Judge:                                             
     - Defendant, you killed the postman with an adjustable wrench...      
     Shout from the audience:                                              
     - Fuck! What a pussy!                                     
     Judge:                                                     
     - Quiet! After that you killed the newspaper seller with a shovel...     
     Shout from the audience:                                              
 - Oh, you bastard!                                             
     Judge:                                                     
     - Quiet!  After that you mercilessly hacked to death with an ax
milkman...                                                    
     Shout from the audience:                                              
     - What a bastard! May you die!                                   
     Judge:                                                     
     - I understand, this is terrible. But I ask for silence in the courtroom.    
     Shout from the audience:                                              
     - You don’t understand a damn thing!  I lived with him for 10 years
neighborhood, and when I needed an ax orthis wrench
the bastard always said: No, no!...