The Red Book of Western Jokes
(jokes, poems, songs, etc. by J.R.R.T.)
Compiled by Erfarot Gil-Ahrxapotom,
throat hunter. Aaxeh, 1996.
...And the minstrel exclaimed:
- Listen, peoples of Arda!
Listen to the song of Frodo
Ninefingered, Caypohe
One-eyed, Sammiyme Brainless
and other cripples of the Third Age!
Chapter one. About Hobbits
Once upon a time four hobbits stopped at the border of two
translations. One says to his companions:
- Remember, I’m no longer Baggins. They will ask - yes
Baggins.
*
The Nazgul crawls to Biryuk and hisses:
- Is the baggage here?
- Get out of here! What kind of bags do you like here? This
Matorinsky translation, and Bags - y Mypabbeba!
*Bilbo approached the Long Lake and saw - in the middle
a column of steam rises. this was the end of Smaug.
*
Bilbo returns from the campaign There and Back Again and tells
to the hobbits:
- Troliks are not only a valuable wallet, but also three-four
centners of high-quality rpahuty!
*
Bilbo sails to Valinor, sits in the cabin and thinks: “Oh, old
I became, golm-golm... I mean, o-ho-ho, of course..."
*
The Bright Council of Middle-earth was very discouraged by the news,
that the Black Lord has recently decreased greatly in height and
I grew hair on my legs...
*
It only seemed to the Keepers that Frodo was attacking an orc,
shouting: “Hit, Hobbits!” In fact, he shouted: “Don’t hit me,
uncle!" So the brave hobbit deceived the enemy...
*
Aragorn took off Frodo's cloak and shirt and looked - and there
mithril ringchuga. I took it off - and there was another one under it. And then
third... Asks:
- Did Bilbo really give everything?
“Yeah,” Frodo answers, “uncle has multiple sclerosis...
*
Merry Brandybeck, in the heat of battle at the Fangs of Mordor, suddenly
desperately shouted:
- Goats are flying!
Gandalf thought: “So, this is some kind of rubbish about Palantir
I've seen enough."
*
Once in the Forest Corner the elves met someone furry, and
on the hand - a Ring on each finger. They ask:
-Are you the hobbit Frodo Baggins?
“No,” he answers, “I am the Olympic Bear.”
*
Once Pin and Merry got drunk on Entish distilled water
water, and they began to get rowdy. After sleeping, they look - they lie
on the ruins of Isengard...
And there’s no point in blaming everything on the Ents, that’s it!
*Once Glaryng was sleeping in his cave, suddenly someone
squeaks under your ear:
- Hey, Glaryng, I came to rob you!
Smaug answers sleepily:
- I'm not Glyurng, I'm Smog.
- Don’t I care? Already paid...
*
They say that Frodo became so famous among the hobbits that all
young people tried to be like him. That's why it's clogged
Orodruin along the camoe mouth with rings, moths and
ball bearings.
Chapter two. Once upon a time there was a gray grandfather Gandalf
On the Morian Bridge Gandalf asked the Balrog:
- Isn’t there a light?
*
The great wizard Gandalf the Gray loved to let
rings. It happened that he would miss it, and then spend an entire era looking for it everywhere. And
taught the hobbits - also, it seems, they just found it, and again
missed...
*
Gandalf jumps frompeaks of Barazinbar. Legolas him
asks:
- What are you doing?
“I’m training,” he answers gloomily, and the Balrog from the Abyss
adds sympathetically:
- At least I have wings...
*
Gandalf woke up after the battle in Moria. Looks around
everything is white, cam he is also in white... Asks:
- Is this Lorien?
“No,” they answer, “this is Sklifosovka.”
*
... And Gandalf said:
- I fell for a long time until I reached the Last Bottom of the Abyss, and
I’ll tell you, Gimli: oh, and your chalk reserves there are not weak...
*
... The little hobbits ran after the cart and shouted:
- Gandalf rides, thunder roars!
Gandalf smiled, threw them candies and coins, but did not
They received neither a rocket nor a machine gun that day...
*
Gandalf in ChroniclesThe hall lights the pipe: - Hayp ahh
adriat ammuh! Hayp... damn, I called Balrog...
*
- Speak, Saruman! - Gimli cried.
- Saruman? - asked the old man, - Yes... you can say
that I am Saruman...
Poor Gandalf! He never had time to explain to the gnome that
weapons are powerless against him...
*
The inscription on the wall of the “Prancing Pony”: “Once upon a time I lived with my grandmother
little gray goat."
The inscription below: "And you, Laurus, but now you are a frog. Gandalf"
*
Gandalf came to Theoden and asked:
-Will kohyhr Theoden give his niece Eowyn away for
Gimli the dwarf?
- No, - Theoden answers, - We don’t have interracial marriages.
honor, and what is it - Princess Puctahuu for a simple gnome...
Then Gandalf takes Darin's crown from his pocket and puts it on
Gimli on his head:
- And for the rhombero of King Gimli?“No,” Theoden replies, “she doesn’t belong in the dungeon.”
hide.
Then Gandalf pulls out the One Ring from his bosom and
gives to Gimli:
- And for the Lord of Middle-earth, Gimli?
“Come on,” Gimli tugs his sleeve, “what am I thinking?”
I can't find a better one?
*
- Give up! - the orcs screamed under the tree where the dwarves sat
Bilbo and Gandalf.
- The partisans don’t give up, batoba-etoba! - answered Gandalf,
pulling the pin from a grenade...
*
- Now I definitely signaled to them: “Gandalf is here!” -
Gandalf smiled gloomily, taking the flamethrower from his shoulder...
*
- Forward to the gate! - cried Mithrandir, spurring
Svetozara, and galloped towards the King of the Nazgul. Only at the gate
the offended horse caught up with the owner...
*
- Who are you hiding in the bedroom?? - he asked angrily
Celeborn Galadriel.
- Nobody!
“Actually,” thought Gandalf under the bed, “she’s not so
and lies, I’m just an incorporeal Spirit. However, it's a shame..."
*
"Bilbo, come out - it'll flood!" - Gandalf yelled, cumming in
mink
Chapter three. Capymatb your left
Saruman once argued with Gandalf that he was three
in a row of oncoming yroboput in Orodruin rush. Well here they come
along the slope, and some crazy gnome is in a hurry towards you. Saruman
emy says:
- Hey, beard, the dragon has plundered your treasury...
- Oh, woe is me! - the dwarf cried and jumped into the crater.
They move on. They see an elf in a hurry with a sword. For feats
got ready. Saruman emy:
- Yeah, noble elf, and your beloved, by the way,
orcs killed...
- Oh, woe is me! - the elf cried and, together with the sword, rushed into
fiery abyss...
And suddenly he brings Sauron to the mountain -see what the
pandemonium. Gandalf gloats and Saruman says:
- Sauron, have you heard: Iluvatar banned Eru from volcanoes?
jump?
- I don’t care what Eru banned!
*
Saruman, dirty to the top of his head, crawls out of the Orthanc puddle, and
Gandalf points at him with his staff and says sternly:
- You have lost your whiteness, Saruman!
*
Saruman came to Serdan the shipbuilder to ask for a place on the ship,
a that emy:
- Where are you going? Your surname is not elven. That's if
If only Tsukerman... Since then, Saruman has hated elves.
*
Somehow Bilbo stepped blindly and in the dark on the sleeping
Saruman. Saruman swears, and Pin happened nearby, so he
he remembered something and said vindictively:
- The thief, they say, ran into a thief...
*
“Try to kill me, brave hobbits,” angrily
Saruman hissed,Just know: whoever kills me will have enuresis
there will be!
And so it happened. Rotten killed him, so even his pants are dead
managed to wet himself.
*
Sauron summons Saruman and menacingly asks him:
- Why did you keep silent for so long, you bastard?
And Saruman responded:
- Pa-a, pa-a...
- Lost Palantir?!
- Pa-a, pa-a, pa-a...
- Pardon me, are you asking?
- Yes pa-a, pa-a...
- Come on, go downstairs and drink some water.
And he disappeared, dissatisfied. And Saruman followed:
- Fuck you, you're such a bastard!
So Saruman deceived Sauron himself with his wonderful voice!
*
The four hobbits met Saruman. That one to them:
- Can you give me some tobacco?
Well, they did, of course. We walked a little - Saruman came towards us again:
- Kureva, they say, nois there?
How can you not be found... We walked a little more - Saruman again
trudges:
- Dudes, is there anything funny about smoking?
So he followed them all the way to the Hobbit and continued on. I had to
kill him, he smoked the whole camocad anyway, damned freeloader!
*
Saruman once announced that he was buying gold rings - well,
the hobbits climbed up to him...
*
A gnome once came to Capymahy in a dream and said:
- Come on, they say, nonucaem...
“I don’t want to,” Saruman answers. And the gnome is not far behind:
- Then let's nokakaem...
Then Saruman could not stand it and said:
- Far away, he says, from here are your underground palaces, Gimli,
son of Gloin. Go there and fill them up to the brim!
Chapter Four. Say a word about poor Gorlum
Somehow Gollum decided to start a new life. Went out in the morning
forest edge and exclaimed in a ringing voice:
- Eh, that’s good!“Golm-golm,” the echo responded out of habit...
*
Somehow Gollum crawls to Butterbur's tavern and wheezes:
- Give it to me, give it to me...
“Yes, I don’t have the Ring,” answers the amazed innkeeper.
- Fuck Koltso! - Gollum wheezes, - give me a hangover!
*
Gollum thought somehow, thought about Bilb's riddle - nothing
can't be imagined. Bilbo got tired of waiting, so he kicked and
tonhu. - Oh, my balls, balls!! - Gollum yelled.
And he guessed right.
*
“Here, Sam,” said Frodo, getting out of Meptbetckux
swamps - a terrible battle was here, and many heroes lie on
day...
Next Gollum emerges, hurriedly chewing something:
- There’s nothing there, just snakes and leeches left...
*
At the top of Orodruin, Gollum negotiated with Sauron:
- Let's be honest, you get a pass, I get a Ring...
*At the top of Orodruin Gollum shouted to Sauron:
-You're n-bad! - and shook his finger at Frodo...
*
Once an ent was walking along the bank of the Andyin, he saw a log floating,
blinks his eyes.
“Hum-hum,” Fangorn was surprised.
“Golm-golm,” confirmed the log.
*
“I’ll make Pinocchio out of you,” said Papa Carlo.
“Golm-golm,” the log thought...
*
A rumor reached Gollum that a terrible one had appeared in Mirkwood
a night ghoul that devours small animals in their sleep and
there is no escape from him. Gollum was very scared...
*
And Gollum met Shelob in the darkness, and he bowed before
her, and was filled with her poison to the very top... And Gollum grumbled:
- I told you, you furry fool, use a condom!
*
Once Gollum came to Serdan the Ship and said:
-Actually, I’m an elf in everything except yush, naked!
Well, emy really wanted to emigrate to the Promised Land...
*
“It tastes like a little fish,” Gollum wheezed, getting into the water.
“Fatty Smeagol,” the piranhas hoped in vain...
*
Frodo and Sam are making their way through the swamp, barely crawling,
fall through... And nearby Gollum walks straight through the water and doesn’t
sinks in at all. Sam looked around and asked:
- What, Stinky, are you pretending to be a saint?
- Ahh no-ccc, - Gollum answers, - poor S-cmeagorl
not a saint, he's just a very hungry, skinny S-throat,
goal!
*
Minas Tirith, camoe the beginning of the fourth age. Running down the street
little herputehok, waving a small gold bar and
yells:
- We are here Vlas-stelin, we are-cc!!!
... And no one believes emy...
Chapter five. Don't shoot the black nazguls
Nine worms crawl past Orthanc.One says:
- Well, let's crawl - let's dig under Saruman?
- Shut up, Angmar... They've already dug under Gandalf...
*
Gandalf says:
- On Zaverti the Nazgul wanted to attack me, but they couldn’t
lightning rod, and they retreated...
*
Somehow the Nazgul were going to extinguish Gandalf. Got caught up
five of us on Zavert, shouting:
- Mithrandir, come out, you vile coward!
Gandalf got angry and started throwing lightning bolts... The Nazguls were screaming,
they twitch, their clothes are smoking... And Angmar stands aside
and grins - he’s wearing a rubberized raincoat...
*
Voice from Barad-dur:
- Eh, nazg durbatuluk, otherwise we would have shown them!
*
The King of Angmar was about to marry Galadriel. We've arrived
They are coming to Gandalf so that he can marry them. Gandalf says:
- Well, if so, in front of Eru and people I declare you my husband
and wife. Now exchange Rings...*
The Nazgul now walk on foot - pterodactyl Gwaigir
Windbreaker ruined everyone. Oh, orlysha, orlysha, you big bitch...
*
The Ghost King hisses at Eowyn:
- Don’t argue with the Nazgul about his prey! Otherwise he will take you away...
Suddenly he hears a squeak from below:
- Don’t argue with the hobbit about HIS prey! Otherwise he'll stop
a dagger in your ass, snatch a bird, and then pretend to be asleep and
will say that it happened!
...So it was...
*
The Nazgul crawls on Frodo's trail, sniffles, sniffs... And Sam
mutters:
- Oh, master, it was a shame we drank beer yesterday...
*
A Nazgul is a person just like you and me. Only
knows more. But he doesn’t know how to live. So who knows how to live?
*
Once the Ghost King came to Minas Tirith. Asks:
- Sorry,where can I spend the night here?
Gandalf rode out to meet him at Svetozar and said:
- Get out, say hello. There's no place for you here.
The Nazgul was offended and left. They are somehow wild in Gondor... On
people are being thrown.
*
The Angmarian leaves the gates of Minas Morgul and sees some
The little ones are rustling around the bridge.
“Hobbits,” thought the Nazgul.
“Cccam you are a hobbitcccc,” thought Gollum...
*
Chapter Six (for a reason)
...For one to reign
Fuck the drunken Lord!
Once Frodo was walking through Mordor and blackened his Eye...
*
Sauron the Great was very unhappy: he suffered
conjunctivitis, Ring incontinence and leprosy...
*
From the Chernukha newspaper: “Our strategic response to the missile
enemy air defense complex "Gandalf-2":"Cay-2" - weapon
retribution! Sieg Heil!"
*
At the top of Orodruin Frodo put the Ring on his finger and said
thunderous bass:
- Well, now you can play the fool...
They say that Sauron was tossed around the fortress for two hours...
*
...And when the Ring sank into the mouth of the volcano, he stood over
Barad-Durom, a huge ghost, said to Frodo:
- Dymmkopf. Potznace.
"Fool. Brat." - Kammepep mechanically translated...
*
When Gandalf threw the Ring into the fireplace flames, it
the inscription appeared. It read: “This specimen is ringed in
Iris lowland. The finder is earnestly requested to return the ring by
Address: Mordor, state. University of Barad Dur, prof. Sauron."
“Well,” Gandalf concluded, “get ready...
*
Seeing the Crimson Eye in Galadriel's Mirror, Frodo is horrified
recoiled. The Lady hastened to calm him down:
- Don't be afraid.Sauron cannot see into my domain
nothing. Every time his Eye appears, I spit at it and
he's going blind...
*
Once Sauron was jogging along the shore of Hypheha. Met
emy two tired, lost hobbits. They ask:
- Can you tell me where Orodruin is?
Sauron suggested, why not suggest?..
*
Sauron came to Cirith-Ungol to visit Shelob. And Shelob is his
she took it and bit it. Sauron sighed:
“Nothing can be done, they say, now I’ll have to give injections.”
And he went for the Morgul dagger.
*
Gorthaur loved to lie.
- I, he says, are three Elven Rings with these hands cam
forged! He's lying, of course. And Celebriber thinks: “And I’m yours
The One Ring worked, though!” So it was, but the elf
keeps quiet. Suddenly they ask:
- Who is to blame?
Who-who, Sauron, of course...*
When the Ring sank into the fiery abyss, Sauron was expelled from
the borders of Arda forever, but no one knows where...
What is there to know? He is now a programmer in Moscow,
writes viruses. And in the summer I got into the habit of going to khishki...
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