And now the long-promised anecdotes from April-
chuka. So..
- What is the fastest animal in the world?
- Probably a cheetah!?
- No, a Chechen in a Mercedes.
* * * *
Teacher at school:
- Children, write the sentence: “There is a mouse scratching in the corner.”
He approaches Vovochka, writes it into his notebook and
asks:
- Vovochka, who is “Vugluskr”?
* * * *
My husband comes home from hunting, tired and angry.
- Wife! Do you know what an insidious animal the fox is?
- No. Why do you think so?
- Yes, I’m walking through the forest, and suddenly I see a fox running.
I load the gun, take aim, shoot - fox
falls. Give me, I think I’ll go and get the fox: I go up to
look, it's a dog!!!
* * * *
A letter arrives to A.M. Kashpirovsky:
"Dear Anatoly Mikhailovich, I had
there are warts on the eggs. After your first session
They disappeared, the warts remained."
* * * *
They put a bear and a hippopotamus in cages at the zoo
on the contrary. The bear watches the hippo all day
(hatched) and is silent. In the evening the hippopotamus
withstood:
- Misha! Why are you looking at me so intently
are you looking? I feel somehow even uncomfortable!
- Until now I look at you and think: Yours would ######
(mugs) I wish I could snatch some honey!
* * * *
The daughter comes to her mother and says:
- Mom! I'll probably never get pregnant!- ???????
- No matter how many times I tried to swallow this disgusting thing -
it doesn't work!
* * * *
Soviet planes bombed Berlin.
They bombed mercilessly, but carefully: every pilot
I understood that Stirlitz was there.
Muller asked Stirlitz if it was true that the radio operator
Did Kat give him a statement?
“She showed it, but didn’t give it,” Stirlitz answered dryly.
* * * *
Geese are gathering for the south.
They look - a crow has come to them.
- Vororn, where are you going?
- Well... I’m certainly not a migratory bird, but I’m like that
fool!
* * * *
Sailors of the same age gathered to go AWOL.
The vestibule was opened.
Water gushed...
Yes, it is difficult to escape from a submarine.
* * *
Why can't northern peoples swim?
1. afraid;
2. They have few bodies of water there....
* * * *
A man stumbles into the surgical room. U
a fork sticks out of his forehead. The surgeon looks in surprise
on the one who entered.
- Am I listening to you?
- Doctor, help, my wife has driven the fork over there
- I'm dying!
- It’s late, my friend, I have a work day.
ended.
- Doctor, I’m bleeding!!!
- I told you clearly - it’s already a working day.
ended.
- Doctor, I’m going to die in your office now!!!
The surgeon sighs heavily, approaches the man,
jerks the fork out of his forehead. Swinging
sticks it in the man's eye and wipes his hands on his robe -says:
- Go! The ophthalmologist is still seeing.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
A young writer comes to an editor of some kind
thick magazine and offers his new novel.
The editor reads it and starts to get...at this
excerpt.
.......
“Shouldn’t we have a cup of coffee?” - asked the count
at the Countess's, knocking her cuffs on the parquet floor.
“Not at all...” answered the countess. And he fucked her six
times.
......
“Here in this place,” says the editor, “you don’t have
one feels a connection with the proletariat." "Fine-tune it,
please..."
The next day this cool guy comes again
novelist and offers a revised version of this
excerpt:
.......
“Shouldn’t we have a cup of coffee?” - asked the count
at the Countess's, knocking her cuffs on the parquet floor.
“Not at all...” answered the countess. And he fucked her six
times. And outside the window, workers were forging some kind of piece of iron.
......
“It’s already better,” says the editor, “But you don’t have
there is a connection with communist ideals."
"Work it out, please..."
After N hours, this horseradish comes again and offers
improvement:
.......
“Shouldn’t we have a cup of coffee?” - asked the count
at the Countess's, knocking her cuffs on the parquet floor. “Not at all...” -
answered the countess. And he fucked her six times.
And outside the window the workers were forging some piece of iron and singing
"International". ......
“Almost brilliant,” says the editor-
"The only thing still missing is faith in
bright future." "Please fix it and everything will be fine"
OK..."
A day later, an exhausted poet appears and offers
Final Release, which went to press:
.......
“Shouldn’t we have a cup of coffee?” - asked the count
at the Countess's, knocking her cuffs on the parquet floor.
“Not at all...” answered the countess. And he fucked her six
times.
And outside the window the workers were forging some piece of iron and singing
"International". But then grandfather Matvey approached them and
said: “Fuck it... this piece of iron - tomorrow
Let's get to it!"
......
An anecdote for a connoisseur:
Desert. Sand dunes. Monitor lizards are running. Worth it
yurt. In the middle of the yurt there is an aquarium. Floats in it
Ichthyander. A woman in a burqa enters the yurt and
says:
- Ichthyander-aka, shall we eat bishbarmak?
- Fool, I want fish, I am Ichthyander!
* * * *
Comrade Sukhov and Said are traveling through the desert.
- Let me light a cigarette, Said...
- So no sygaret, Comrade Sukhov!
- Why not, they only took a pack of Camel in the morning!
- They shot...
* * * *
The man caught a goldfish, as usual, and she gave him
offer barter, on the principle of let go - desire.
The man thinks and says:
- I want all the traffic cops to be on this river right now.
the coffins were floating!
- Man, what are you saying, there are good people among the traffic cops?
is there?!
- Yes?... - the man thought, - Well, let them be goodTraffic cops are floating in good coffins!
* * * *
Two old fisherman friends meet.
(don’t just look for me in this joke -
approx. EDITOR)
- Hello! I haven’t seen you for a hundred years. How’s life?
- Yes, so-so. Now I got married...
-Probably he took the beauty?
- Don’t ask. It doesn’t get any worse.
-Perhaps rare spiritual beauty?
-Where is it...
-Probably the hostess is a good one?
-If...
-Maybe in bed...?
-I remember, my hair is growing...
-Listen, why did you take it? Leave her and that's it.
-I can’t.
-?!
-She has rare worms. The chebak bites well on them.
* * * *
The girl is beautiful
Lying naked in the bushes.
Otherwise he would have raped
I just kicked it.
She's so offended
can't bear it
Spreading your legs wider
tried to sit up quickly
And I limped on
(kicked in vain)
She stayed in the bushes
still naked.
* * * *
Notary - preliminary agreement before
deal.
Pushkin is the key to the gate from which all the
people.
Bank employee - according to the financial principle -
preliminary agreement to reduce prices.
Infantryman - reconnaissance before the general
offensive, followed by an attack and
offensive
Artilleryman - orientation for direct fire.
Artist - overture before the curtain opens, after
which will be followed by a performance.
Lawyer -voluntary agreement to rent premises
no lighting.
House manager - call from the top floor to open
lower
Programmer - checking the functionality of the algorithm
with subsequent transfer for processing to the main
processor (processor clock speed may
vary depending on configuration, size
processor and country of origin. As shown
experience is the most popular so-called. "White assembly")
The Chukchi caught a camel in the tundra (like a camel
got there - his business, maybe he was walking) and brought him to
to yourself in chum.
But he doesn’t know what to feed him, if so
leave it - you might die.
The Chukchi went to the shaman to ask about his diet
an unprecedented beast. Shaman - Give him meat if he eats it
- means wolf.
The Chukchi comes the next day - However, not
eats meat. Shaman - Then give him moss.
The Chukchi comes again - However, moss does not
eats The shaman went to the Chukchi tent, saw a camel and
He says, “Bastard, this is Camel, you should smoke him.”
***************
Somehow the cowboys are sitting in their favorite saloon, drinking
whiskey Suddenly a wounded cowboy runs into the saloon:
“Save yourself,” he said and died.
No one paid attention to the poor guy, they were sipping
your swill. Another wounded cowboy runs into the saloon:
“Save yourself, White Bill is coming,” he also stretched out his legs.
Again no one pays attention to him.
Thirda wounded cowboy entered the saloon and fell on the threshold:
- Save yourself, White Bill is coming, killing and robbing everyone
! The cowboys just wanted to get up from their seats, they see
standing on the threshold is a tall cowboy in white clothes, and in
he has a Colt in his hands:
“Money to spare, hands on your head,” he tells them.
There is nothing to do - they laid out the money. Cowboy in white
collected everything in a bag and said:
- Now save yourself, White Bill is coming.
***************
A stranger in the Wild West walked into a saloon,
I ordered myself a whiskey and soda and sits and drinks. Suddenly
hears screams and gunshots on the street. Asks the cowboy
at the next table:
- What is that there?
“It’s Elusive Joe playing around,” he lazily answers.
- Why is he Elusive? Everyone get together and catch it.
- Who the hell needs him?
****************
Two cowboys gallop across the prairie. One says to the other:
- Joe, I bet you a hundred dollars that you're my shit.
don't eat it.
“I’ll eat,” he answers. We argued. Joe ate, Bill
I had to pay a hundred dollars. They gallop further. Joe
He felt embarrassed for himself and said:
- Bill, I bet you a hundred dollars that you're my shit.
don't eat it.
- I'll eat it. We argued. Bill ate it, Joe posted a hundred
dollars. They gallop further. Suddenly Bill says:
- Joe, it seems to me that you and I are shit for free
We've eaten.
*****************
Two cowboys (same as above) gallopacross the prairie.
One says to the other: “Joe, it seems to me that it’s in the ass.”
your horse is a diamond.
Joe got off his horse, walked around from behind, and stayed there for a long time.
he poked around and said: “No, Bill, he’s not there.”
- Yes, and I think so, Joe. Where would he come from?
*****************
Two cowboys are riding:
- John! When you smoke while riding, you look like
idiot! - Okay, Bill, I'll swipe to another one.
side.
-----------------------------------------------------------
- Bill, do you know what the cycle of substances is?
nature? - No.
- Someday you will die, Bill. You will be buried on
grass will grow on your grave. A bison will approach her,
will pinch it and make a bunch. I'll go to the pile and
I’ll say: Hello, Bill, you haven’t changed at all!
Picture one.
An airplane is flying and parachutists are jumping from it.
Another one is coming. - Ready ?
- Oh, you know, my parachute didn’t open yesterday,
the day before yesterday the parachute did not open...
- Let's jump, pi..or! Pushed out?? jumped.
Picture two.
The barnyard of the "millionaire" collective farm (must
one hundred and two million to the state). Worn to the end
the chairman, waving his arms, shouts with the crying
notes in voice:
- The wheat is under the snow, the potatoes are freezing, the pigs are not
fed, cows not milked, no way to pay wages...
There is a roar and crack of breaking boards, like
like someone fell on the roof of a barn...
- Parachutistthis one is already stuck falling!!!
*******************
- Pierre, our son is already 14 years old. It's time to tell
him about gender relations - after all, who else but
father to do this?
- Well, how should I do this?
- Well, for example, using the example of butterflies.
- Jean, are you sleeping with Marianne?
- Yes, but what?
- Well, keep in mind that butterflies have the same thing.
!!!
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