Real fun - jokes.

           
                 
                 
                 
                                          
Music:Midisoft/Energy Minds               
(L) Delirium Tremens                      
--------------------------------FUNaral--
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Drunk entertainer before going on stage
I drank for a long time in the company of doctors.  In a butterfly and
in a tuxedo, staggering onto the stage to announce
number:                               
- Uterine cancer! Crotch...               
Ugh, damn - Mark Fradkin.  "Pronezh-
ness".                                   
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Mr. Lieutenant, - addresses Rzhevsko-
mu young hussar, - II heard you are young
were you planning to become a member of the court?       
“Ah, youth, youth,” answers
the one                                      
- a member here - a member here...            
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Call to the apartment:                       
- Tell me, do homosexuals live here?   
- I don’t know, now I’ll ask my wife: Fedya,
do homosexuals live with us?                
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A woman comes to the doctor:              
- Doctor! I think I'm starting little by little
to look like a man.                  
- What is it? - the doctor is interested.     
- You know, I'm starting to get
secondary sexual characteristics. Now there's a voice
became low, almost bass.  Tin appeared
chest: on the chest, down to the stomach and
below - all the way to the penis...                 
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two people are lying in bed.                    
“Dear,” says the woman, “ifI would
I knew you were so impatient, I would...
I took off my tights earlier!                     
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Husband asks:                          
- Wife, how many times have you cheated on me?      
- Just twice, honey: once with the foot-
with a sick team, the other with an orchestra.   
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 A young man and a girl were silent for a long time      
traveling in a train compartment.                       
“Girl,” he can’t stand it.          
- Why are you silent?                      
- I want to and remain silent! - she answers.             
- Strange. You want to be silent.               
                                          
 ***                   
                                          
 Two blue ones are sitting.   approaches them
prostitute offers to have fun for 20
bucks...                                 
They answered her:                            
- Get out of here, you two-assed monster!          
                                          
 ***                                          
 A man enters a restaurant.                
 Man:                                   
 - I'd like some French chicken. The waiter
barks and brings Russian. A man sticks two
finger in the ass of a chicken:                   
 - Russia, state farm "New Dawn". What are you telling me?
They brought it for bullshit - I speak Russian
said that I wanted French;  Dumbfounded
the waiter runs away in shock. Walks into the kitchen
asks if there is French.  It's not
it turned out that he takes the American one and runs
back.                                  
 A man sticks two fingers in his ass:            
 - America, Texas. What are you asking me again
They brought it for nonsense, I asked - French
cool!!!  The dumbfounded waiter runs away
kitchen, calls a nearby restaurant, where
orders French chicken. Brings
to the man.                                   
 The man sticks two fingers in his ass again:      
 - France, Paris. In! It would be like that right away.      
 There's a drunk guy sitting next to him who's always
watched what was happening:                 
 - Man!  I'm trudged! Come on, check who it is
me!!!                                      
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Caught by aliensAmerican, French
and Russian. We decided to test their intelligence.
To do this, they gave everyone 12 balls and planted
put it under the hood.                          
 They approach the American, who has the balls
assembled square.                           
 They approach the Frenchman, he has a collected pi-
ramida.                                   
 They approach the Russian, he plays with two
balls. They ask him:             
 - Where are the balls?                              
 - Yes, two were not there at once, but the rest
somewhere about the ball.                           
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Grandma bought a cow.  On the first day
milked 20 liters of milk, on the second - 15, on
third - 10, in a week, milked everything
just a glass. I called the doctor. He looked
and concluded:                      
 - Well, it’s okay, you jerked off bull, but to live
there will be.                                    
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A poor student invited (there would be no others)
asks ;)) a girl for a date. Enough money
just a glass of mineral water. 
 They are walking down the street. They pass by one roomka. He asks:                        
 - Beer :) do you want? No, you don't!         
 They walk past another:                       
 - Do you want chocolate? No, you don't!         
 She was dumbfounded and thought: “Now he’ll ask
anything, I’ll say YES right away!”        
 They pass by a stall where they sell refreshments
refreshing drinks:                      
 - Will you have a mineral water?                      
 - YES! YES! YES! YES! WILL!!!                
 - What are you talking about, you fool, I’ll buy it right now!             
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Chip and Dale are sitting.                        
 Chip:                                     
 - I should give it to Gadget.              
 Dale:                                    
 - Well, there is no market, it should be.               
 They are thinking about how to lure her.              
 Chip:                                     
 - Come on, let's scatter nuts on the floor, she'll fight -
the child will bend down to collect them, so we’ll come to her
put it in.  No sooner said than done. Gadget comes in,
sees nuts on the floor and immediately puts his ass against the wall
ke.                                       
 Chip and Dale are perplexed:               
 - Gaechak, what are you doing, collect nuts and eat. 
 Gadget:                                  
 - No, thanks, I'm already full of cheese. ***                    
                                          
 Cheburashka, Crocodile Gena and
man. Cheburashka asks the man:       
 - Do you want a dick to the floor?                   
 Man:                                   
 - Well, it wouldn’t hurt!                      
 Cheburashka:                               
 - Gena, bite off his legs...               
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Rzhevsky and Natasha Rosto are sailing in a boat.
va. Silence. Suddenly Rzhevsky asks:    
 - Natasha, will you ever be 3.1 Where?
hit with an oar???                            
 - What are you talking about!                                
 - Yes, I do, keep the conversation going.         
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A girl calls a guy:                    
 -Will you come to me?                    
 - Well.                                    
 - We'll drink tea.                         
 - Well.                                    
 - We'll watch TV together.                
 - Well.                                    
 -You will sit with me.                   
 - Well.                                    
 - You'll start hugging.                      
 - Well.                                    
 - You'll start kissing.                      
 - Well.                                    
 - We'll go to bed together.                       
 - Well.                                    
 - WELL, YOU'RE FUCKING ME!                    
 - I got the hint, I’m leaving!                  
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A 15 year old girl is going to a disco
ku.  He asks his father what to do if he starts
should I bother you?                           
 - Well, you say: “What will we name the baby” -
they will fall behind. Okay... Comes to dis-
ko, danced, moved her butt. Suitable
guy, well, he offers xxx. And right away:    
 - What should we name the baby?                 
 He immediately left.  So on the second, third
day.  On the fourth, another one comes up. Ta
to him:                                      
 - What should we name the baby?                 
 - I'll tell you later.                           
 - ???                                    
 He brought her to him. And she told him again:     
 - What should we name the baby?              
 - I'll tell you later.                           
 Chapterhe unpacked it as expected.
 And she again for her own:                      
 - What will we name the baby?              
 He takes off the condom, unties the knot and
amazing says:                         
 - If he gets out of here, then we’ll call Ko-
per Field. (not Copper Feet ;))        
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 There is a lecture on the topic: "Love".           
 The lecturer says:                     
 - There is love between a man and a man -
Noah. Audience:                           
 - Come on, slides, slides!                  
 - There is love between a woman and a woman
Noah.                                      
 - Come on, slides, slides!!                 
 - There is love between a man and a woman -
Noah.                                      
 - Come on, slides, slides!!!                
 - There is a person’s love for his homeland. But
warm slides!                            
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 The girl was sliding down the slide. Got caught on one-
with his place behind the nail. Comes to the corresponding
to the current doctor:                          
 - Sew it up!Ta:                                      
 - Well, how much do you have to leave?              
 - Well, as much as you have.             
 - No girl! Go ride some more.        
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 The man took off the woman.  And that one is on her period...
Well, he did his job, he wakes up in the morning -
ro. Sees: legs with blood on the stomach:        
 - I killed her...                           
 Suitable for mirror:                      
 - And ate...                              
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A man is driving with a macaque in the car. Their remains
the traffic cop pours in:                        
 - Who is this, monkey?           
 - No, it's a joke.                    
 - ???                                    
 A man unzips his fly, hits his
head of the macaque, which in turn begins
make forward movements... Than
The harder he beat her, the harder she worked.
 A man asks a traffic cop:               
 - Do you want to try?                    
 - No, I don’t like being hit on the head.   
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Rzhevsky and Natasha are walking down the street. That fell-
la, Rzhevsky picked her up and they moved on.
Only the grandmother saw it all.               
 Another says:                     
 - Here I go, I see Rzhevsky with Natasha
are coming. She fell, Rzhevski picked her up and kissed her.
va.                                       
 This one tells another:                 
 - Here I go, I see Rzhevsky with Natasha
are coming.  She fell, Rzhevski picked her up and bent her
cancer...                                  
 99 tells 100:                      
 - Here I go, I see, and Push is sitting on a stump -
kin and jerk off.                             
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Cyclops caught an American, a Frenchman and a group
zina:                                     
 - If I like someone, then I’ll dry him -
I hurt my life.                               
 He takes the American and leads him into the room:     
 - How many bottles of vodka do you see?          
 - Three.                                   
 - How much will you drink?                       
 - One.                                  
 Leads into another room:                
 - How many women do you see?- Three.                                   
 - How much...                             
 - One.                                  
 “No, I don’t like you,” the poor thing said.
gu.                                       
                                          
He takes the Frenchman and leads him into the room:        
 - How many bottles of vodka do you see?          
 - Three.                                   
 - How much will you drink?                       
 - Two.                                   
 Leads into another room:                
 - How many women do you see?                    
 - Three.                                   
 - How many...                             
 - Two.                                   
 “No, I don’t like you,” the poor thing said.
gu.                                       
                                          
 He takes the Georgian and leads him into the room:        
 - How many bottles of vodka do you see?          
 - Three.                                   
 - How much will you drink?                       
 - Four.                                
 - ???                                    
 - Yes, I have a fourth in my pocket.         
 - Ooo. Well I like you.              
 Leads into another room:                
 - How many women do you see?                    
 - Three.                                   
 - How much...                             
 - Four.- Where will you get the fourth one?        
 - Well, you said that you like me -
I love...                                   
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 The Georgian's son approaches his father:             
 - Dad, I did 10 pull-ups today, and
the other 5 times is it because I'm Georgian?  
 - Yes, yes.                                
 - Dad, I did 20 push-ups today, but-
total 10 - is it because I'm Georgian?     
 - Yes, son.                              
 - Dad, we had a medical examination today. U
for me it’s 20 cm, and for others it’s 10 cm - that’s because
that I'm Georgian?                             
 - Nat, this is because you, fool, are 20
Let, but you still go to 5th grade!              
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Two dwarfs enter a nunnery: 
 - Do you have dwarf nuns?            
 - No.                                  
 - And in the next one?                          
 - No.                                  
 - Well, I told you that we are penguins
fucked.                                 
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 On the first day God created flora.         
 On the second day, fauna.                    
 ...                                      
 On the seventh day God looked at everything and
said:                                   
 - Fuck you! - and everything went haywire...           
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 There is a lecture in progress.  The lecturer stutters a little.
Draws a circle on the board and says:           
 - Shade it, shade it.                        
 Shout from the audience...                     
 Lecturer:                                  
 - Some with what, and I with chalk                   
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Baba makes love with her lover.
Suddenly my husband arrives. She says to her lover
ku:                                       
 - Go to the kitchen and pretend to be a robot.   
 The husband enters the kitchen... runs to his wife:    
 - Who is this in our kitchen?                
 - Yes, I bought this robot at the market.     
 - A!                                     
 Well, my husband decided to have sex. And the wife
notmaybe...                               
 - Well, then I’ll go fuck the robot.          
 He comes into the kitchen, tries to drag him in, and
The "robot" squeezed his butt.                     
 - Well, I’ll probably go get a drill and check...
it is necessary to pour.                                
 "Robot":                                 
 - Try again, again.                   
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 There is a drunk (m) guy holding on to a pole.
A girl is passing by.                  
M- Iiiiinnaa...                             
D- I'm not Inna!                             
M- Iiiiinnaa...                             
D- Man, I’m not Inna, I’m Tanya.            
M- Uuuhhaaxx#idura!                       
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
Women are sitting at work, chatting.          
- You know, girls, my husband has balls...
lodnye.  The next day another says:
- Mine is cold too.                  
The next day the third comes with a blue
lump under the eye. She is asked:            
- Where did the bruise come from?                           
- Yes, yesterday I tried my husband’s eggs and said...
Ryu: "Thank God, at leastyou are warm."     
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A man comes home with a huge suitcase
and shouts to his wife: “I earned 1 million bucks -
owls." She runs out of the kitchen: what and how,
can't be, etc. Well, he opens something
Dan, pours out money on the floor - as if he was sa-
washed. And he tells her to pack her things.
She walks through the cabinets, then stops and
thoughtfully like this: “And what things to take for winter or
summer?" And he answered: "Both winter and summer -
and get out of here!!!"               
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
-What is this tattoo below your back?
00-88 AIA?                                
- This is not a tattoo, it was my wife who pressed it
gas when I opened the garage.              
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A daughter writes a letter to her mother: “And in the evenings I
I give myself over to my favorite ping pong." Answer
mother: "It's okay that a Chinese would be a...
good catcher..." ***                    
                                          
 The ship was wrecked.   Passengers
distributed as follows: across two islands. On
one - a bunch of women and one man, on
friend - two men, one t+tka. Through non-
what time did the rescuers go to take them out?
mother is from there. On the first island: everything is broken up
then it’s in ruins, only there’s a finger in the middle
Ma, the women stand around her in a ring. One
approaches the palm tree:                        
- Get down, your five minutes are up!      
 On the second island, the men are well-fed and well-fed.
new, the woman is bruised. To the rescue question
telev, as they e+ divide they say:      
- On Monday she is mine, on Tuesday she is his, in
Wednesday is mine, Thursday is his, Friday is mine, in
Saturday is his, and Sunday is a draw, and we
e+ we beat for l$dness.                     
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Early morning. Hut on the edge of the village. Open
the door opens and a small, frail little man comes out
peasant.  He stretches and yawns sweetly.
Then the door of the house opens again,
HUGE woman and says:                  
- Let's go to the hut (bascom)                   
- E#$tsya? (subtle and plaintive)          
- Have breakfast!f#aka. (so affectionately)       
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Monks' conversation:                        
- My brothers and I are walking through the desert. Hot.
Suddenly, not far away, 15 naked women appeared
shin...                                    
- Well?!!                                 
- Well, as I say, it seemed...         
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Call at the police station:            
- (Female voice) Help! He broke into me -
Xia is a sexual maniac. Come and pick up
him!........ In the morning.                       
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Tram, crush.                          
- Sorry, you're not at the next stop
are you coming out?                                 
- No.                                    
- Then finish quickly, I have to go out.
                                          
 ***                    
Once in a private conversation with N. Rostov
asked P. Rzhevsky:                   
- Lieutenant, what kind of penis do you have?             
- Hmmm, 5900 angstroms!                    
- What? So small?                   
- No, so red!                     
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A hacker enters the elevator, he needs 12
floor. Well, he first presses button 1, for-
those 2 and begins to painfully search for the button
ENTER.                                    
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Two people are lying in bed.                    
She: Honey, why don't you entertain me?
hands and tongue? He is dangling his hands near
ears and tongue: Be-e-e-e!                
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Drive up to the car service point for Mercedes.
the Cossack reaps.  A man comes out from there and
says.                                  
 - Guys, supply me with some detail
from Merc to the car.                       
 - What are you talking about?man?!                   
 - Well, I really want it, here’s the damn money
I've been saving all my life...                        
 - Okay, come back tomorrow...             
 A man comes, gets into the car, starts
dit... It starts up right away, easily. Man in
I'm delighted - it's never been like this before...
Tom starts off so softly, drives quietly... Well
just a blast....                         
 Suddenly he drove about 100 meters away.  BabaTs! car-
for some reason I went back.. Back
arrived, gets out.                         
 - Well, guys!  what's happened  ? at first like this
everything was great and then...               
 - Uh... man... we'll give you the engine
they installed a janitor.....                   
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Two Odessa residents went to visit. Suitable for
doors, and one knocks with his foot.               
- Syoma, but why are you knocking your foot?       
- Let them think that our hands are full -
gifts...                                
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Cheburashka resorts to the crocodile Gena and
says:                                  
- Gen, huhShapoklyak gave birth!                 
- So drown them quickly!                     
- I drowned my own, but yours float. :()  
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 (M)suddenly wakes up after winter hibernation -
ki.  He turned around, wrinkled his face, and pulled out
graze hair (show further) Thoughtfully
puts it on one paw - not suitable
dit, to the other - again not the same. Then to your feet
- no, not that. He puts it between his legs and,
with rounded eyes and despair in the
moose:                                    
- It can’t be!!!                       
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A man comes to the doctor:                  
- Doctor, my arms have grown x#$.     
- And why does this bother you?             
- Of course I’m starting to work with a woman, but
he resists.                             
- Well, then only surgery will help.   
- I won’t do it my way then.               
- How is it?                                
- Well, I hit him on the head bam, he uses his hands
by the head, and I'll let him go there and there
flutters.                              
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 A punk is walking along Red Square, a turkey is on
leads the ropes. A policeman approaches:     
- Birds are not allowed on Red Square!       
- Why are pigeons allowed, but turkeys not? 
- So the dove is a bird of peace after all.       
- Yes, I will, if my turkey wants war!
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Great Patriotic War.  Auschwitz.
Infirmary.  The prisoners are weighed. (for me-
Decins in the sense)                           
- Yes, yes. They fucked their faces off! One hundred
twenty kilograms! Next ten!  
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Night... One-room apartment... Parents-
Do Vovochki want to make love? Father on-
begins, but the mother does not agree:           
M: - The child is not sleeping!                     
O: - Sleeping!.... Vovochka, are you sleeping?...   
Bring some water! ...silence...              
O: - You see, he is sleeping!                 
 And they continue the work they started... Minutes later
20 a dissatisfied voice is heard above them:  
- And I’ve been here with water for a long timeshould stand?! 
                                          
- How long do I have to stand here with water?! 
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Narcs in the parish are covered by the cops. Throwing in
car and taken to the department. They're sewing. on
the next day is the trial. Narc is brought into the hall
court, put in the dock, read-
accusations are being made.  Judge: Based on your
As stated above, the court sentences you....
Narc (jumping up, eyes bulging): BOTH!
COPS!!!!                                 
                                          
 ***                    
                                          
 Winter. A drug addict rides on a trolleybus. Opened
the window and drags from the wind. Approach from behind
dit grandmother: “Young man, would you order-
dug a window! It's cold outside...
but!" The addict looks around and says: "Bah-
aaabul, I’m trudged - well, I’ll for-a-acre
point, is it going to get warmer outside?