Humor - Anecdotes.

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 A woman is playing in the "Field of Miracles". The "Prize" sector is on the reel.
 Yakubovich asks:
-Are you taking money or a prize?
“Prize,” she will answer.
-Would you like to identify it blindly?
 The woman puts her hand into the box and shouts:
-A-a-a-a-a!
 Leonid Yakubovich:
-This is not a-a-a, but a new trap from Philips.

The new Russian left for Canada and calls from there to his paging
 company:
- Well, guys, your office is cool! All your life you’ve only had a pager,
 I will buy it and recommend it to my brothers!
 Operator:
-???
- Yes, I received messages here in Canada!
-What message?
-Replace the battery!

 A man comes home at midnight. His wife meets him at the door.
-Where have you been hanging around?
-I am a free bird, whenever I want, I come at whatever time I want.
 The next day, the wife shows up at four in the morning.
-Where have you been?
-You are a free bird, and I am a forced one. What time were they released at such a time?
 and came.

 The notary reads the affidavit to the family of the deceased:
-Being of sound mind, I spent all the money before my death....

 A drunken husband comes home. His wife greets him with the words
 hand in hand and with the words:
-Whereare you wandering around, you bastard? Where are you, you bastard??
-Lucy...in the cemetery.
-What, someone died?
-You won’t believe it..Everyone died there..

 There is a new Russian in a Mercedes at an intersection, the green light is on
 new light, he is waiting. They ask him:
-What are you waiting for?
-I’m waiting for all the Cossacks to pass.

 Men are driving, and the driver warns: buckle up, they say, there
 around the corners, there is always a traffic cop. They fasten their seat belts, turn -
 They look like they’re really a traffic cop... He slows them down and approaches the car with -
 Looks - everyone is fastened.
 Then he spits and says:
-Well, what kind of people have gone! You'll hang yourself for a tenner!!!

 Two blondes are sitting and discussing the theory of relative atomic
 particles of the second order. A man approaches them.
 One blonde or another:
- Nice, we're talking about TV series.....

-Doctor, how to treat my husband?
-Madam, he is absolutely healthy.
-But yesterday he ran home and shouted that all the dogs were coming,
 street with open buns!
-Don’t you remember how rainy it was yesterday?..

 A boy brags on the street:
-And my dad has a new car!
-Well, where is she?
-It’s in the garage. Dad spent the whole night repainting and changing the numbers.

 A black man walks around Kyiv with a Russian self-instruction book... he wanted to pee
 uh, approaches the saleswoman:
-Do you have any piiiivo??
-NO AND WILL NOT BE!!
 He further down the book with his eyes:
-Uh, yoursmother!!

 A psycho is released from a mental hospital. He is asked to take the last test
 for reporters.
 The psychiatrist asks the question:
-Open the curtains, patient, and tell me what time of year it is outside!???
 The ballroom opens the curtains and looks out the window:
-Summer!!
- Well, we’re all falling down, look carefully there are people in fur coats
 !!!
-Summer!!!
-Well, look at the snowdrifts!!! Don't worry!!
-Summer!!!
-Well, look at the thermometer -30!!!
-Well, that means it’s a lousy summer!!!

 ATP funeral is underway. The long-distance bus driver is being buried.
 The director of the ATP speaks:
-Today we are burying a wonderful man. He lived a good life
 know. He was always calm, polite with passengers, quiet. And he died
 then he is quietly in his sleep and with a smile, not like 80 crap passengers -
 fat!!!

 Two new Russians meet. One says to the other:
-I heard that you bought a villa in Italy?
-Yes, my company made money on hedgehogs, so I bought it!!
-How is it on hedgehogs??
-Yes, our company was engaged in supplying hedgehogs to Europe for fighting
 with field pests.
- Hey, bro, where did you get hedgehogs in such quantities??
-Well, it’s simple: take a rat, paint it with varnish and then let it dry
 hairdryer!!

-What is the multitasking of Windous95????
-It is buggy and works at the same time!!!

 From an unfinished fairy tale:
-They took away the mouse’s hole and Vanka’s stand... A man arrives at the new Tavria, his friends joke about him:
-Is it really a fast car??!!!
-Aha, yesterday I overtook a new Russian on it!!
-Perhaps his eyes widened??!!
- I mean, the hose with gasoline fell out of my hands.

 A drunk man walks along the train tracks and suddenly turns to
 a train is hitting him, he beat a guy. The guy is in the hospital for 7 months
 lay a bunch of scars arrived as a lady. Lies in bed and asks for her son
 Put the kettle on. He puts it on. The kettle boils and whistles. To the kitchen
 The father runs in with a hammer and hits the kettle with it as hard as he can.
-Dad, what are you doing with the kettle???
-Remember, son, you have to kill them while they are young!!!!!!!!!

 How did it happen that you threw the attacker out of the window??
-I didn’t throw him away, it was like this:
-I’m walking home from work as a lady and I see a man crawling towards my window,
 I'm your mother. I come in as a lady and I see he puts my wife in doggy style,
 inventor with your mother. I go into the nursery and look at him as my child.
 he gives it away, the pastry chef is your mother. Well, I take his zashkvarnik both in and
 out the window and he shouts: “I’ll be back” fucking dreamer..!!!!

                             I fucked our parliament and will
                             get laid.
 A. Lukashenko

 Two flies flew into the coffee alonesays:
-I'd like some shit with garlic, please.
-I feel like shit without garlic.
-Why ??
-I don’t like it when my breath doesn’t smell...

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 Winnipooh and Piglet bet that Piglet wouldn't drink much water.
- Hey, will you drink a glass of water?
-Yes.
 I sang it once.
-And the bucket??
-Yes
 I sang it once.
-And the speech of water??
-Yes
 After a while he sang, Winipuh runs and shouts:
-Hurry up, who can write five-a-days!!!

                            ■■■■  ■■■■

 The animals gathered to play cards. Bear, wolf, hare, fox. Bear
 deals out cards and says:
-And whoever cheats, we’ll hit this impudent redhead in the face-
 rde.

                             ■■■■  ■■■■

 A worm crawls down a hole and meets another one:
-Great John!!
-I'm not John, I'm your ass!!!

                              ■■■■  ■■■■

 Two fleas come out of the bar:
- Shall we go on foot or catch the dog????

                             ■■■■  ■■■■

 The fox, the hare and the bear decided to earn money, the fox and the hare
 They offer vefu and instead the bear jumps. So they went.
 We met the wolf:
-Wolf hat doesn’t need fur on the cheap??
-Well, I wouldn’t refuse!!!
 Then the bear jumps on his head and says:
-I'm your hat.
 The wolf spent a month in the hospital and was released.
 Again the breeder and the fox:
-Wolfdo you need new felt boots??
-Well, I wouldn’t refuse!!
 Then the bear jumps and says:
-I'm your boots.
 The wolf is in intensive care at the hospital, and a fox and a hare enter:
-Wolf, you don’t need any new ones???
-Go, all of you.....!!!
 Then the bear scolds and says:
-I'm your hat!!!!!!

                            ■■■■  ■■■■

 They decided that an ant and an elephant would exchange eggs after a year.
 meet:
 Elephant.
-How are the eggs???
-It just skids around corners!!
 Ant.
-How are mine??
-Isn’t it only when the whole family is itching??

 Why don't you wrap me in a newspaper???
 Seller.>: -E~~