Nicron #25 20 марта 1997

Юмор

Humor - a broken axle shaft.

NIC25.3 NIC25 $ .3

     How to break axis.

         Chapter 1.


                               If you want to run SETUP -

                            Press . Your Dell is out!

                              From the memories of radio 
operators Cat. 



     Through the windows came the rain and the process of 
installation. Bill Gates has turned from the window of 
Microsoft Excel and asked Norton - Commander:  - Petya devices?

 - 486DX2/66/1/40/kosye/EGAmono!
 - What EGAmono?
 - And that the "instruments"?
Ten minutes later the Excel window is finally closed, Gates 
said:  - How are things with fellow ISAeva?

 - It is difficult.
 - This is Good. Ai keV for him a new TASK integral systems.
But the windows came the rain and the process of installation.


     Low smoky ceiling restore_run'a Three megabytes "
was almost black from soot. Fed there is not very good - 
usually it was 4 Mb azu salad and Olivetti. Fed there is even 
worse - usually a beer "Ostankino", which everyone called 
"Trupovskim. But this is not to scare away the regulars. Scared 
away their friend. More recently, in restore_run began to look 
Advertising Manager OS / 2 Stirlitz.

And now he sat at a distant table with his laptop with
resources and programs for seven to eight, in a shirt that says 
"Do not Microsoft, and small programs in Russian!". Sometimes 
he grew bored, and he pulled from his pocket a floppy disk with 
the inscription "ISAevu manager of BG for the liberation of the 
market on CP / M" and with the agility of a true hacker in the 
network ran a couple - three new viruses.  - What this heinous 
program microsoft - suddenly for all young programmistik said - 
I would have them all recorded by one and wash in the queue! 

     The room was silent. Everyone looked at Shtirlitsa.
Stirlitz took out the floppy disk, although the bulb has not 
gone out and knocking three monitors, the moon walk came to a 
high-handed programmistiku.  - KOBOLtus nedoinstallirovanny! - 
He hissed and pulled  on a laptop computer 
programmer.  - Sorry, I do not quite understand - faltered 
fluttered programmistik. Stirlitz out of yourself and not 
giving time to recover, scored Format c: and pressing Enter.

 - I am manager of Microsoft ISAev and not allow every user to 
offend maykrosoftovskih programmers! 

     The audience rushed to separate the disputants. Merry 
Shtirlitsa dragged from moaning programmistika and to comfort, 
offered a toast to Microsoft for Bill Gates. Stirlitz drank and 
the programmer was not interested in him.  - Well as you can - 
if Stirlitz say such things about Microsoft and even in such 
terms, - said one of presence.  - Stirlitz - good soul - 
another sigh - I can remember, three days ago, then erased a 
pirated copy of Solaris, so all used low-level formatting, and 
Stirlitz - Quick Format.  A Stirlitz already asleep. Dreamed 
engineers, tapeworms, and printers. Now he sleeps, but wakes up 
exactly half an hour later to continue his difficult but a 
necessary work for Microsoft. 


             Chapter 2.

            To chip in the eye can not beat,
            Wore glasses, work!
                 From the memories of radio operators Cat.


     Stirlitz childhood fond of computers. His favorite stories 
were "Trehdyuymovochka" and "OLE Lukkoye. For five years he 
using the carrot and the stick has mastered the art of 
programming. In Ten years on request of the Russian Academy of 
Sciences, he wrote the Forth, which is known as Fortran. 

     In twelve years he had two drive Toshiba for use in laser 
printers and three - to the police. At fifteen, Maxim first 
taste of beer, "Porter Centronics" and came up in the morning 
Language Alcola. He loved music - especially the group of DOORS 
and album "The Wall", so it was hard to move on to the platform 
Windows. Now in his hit - parade leading group "Acer of Baser 
", S. VEGA, Suzi Quattro Pro and the old song" I met VAX and 
the past ...". 

     In the first year at college Stirlitz proved sines
ver. 5.0. The topic of his thesis was to write a full 
multi-tasking and multi-user operating system's processor 8088, 
which he called a "wicket." It was noticed and, After 
graduation, were invited to the group of developers of Windows. 
Some time later he was transferred to a group of industrial 
espionage. 

     Stirlitz was the best resident. It can be interrupted, but
can not be unloaded. In its track list is such cases,
as a "professional friend" - the Lotus Ami Pro, "Cool outfit - 
a Lotus SmartSuit," Hand lewd "- about Aldus FreeHand, "local 
bus" - the Local Bus and much more. 

     Now he is out the most important task - trying to get a 
list of undocumented features OS / 2. "I'll call her report on 
"sex" - with his usual penchant for bad puns Stirlitz thought, 
absently watching for one of the terminals in his office a 
couple Ol breaking passwords.  - Buttons tight at the buttons - 
as always is not the topic blurted Stirlitz. 

     ISAev picked with a screwdriver in DeskJet'e thinking "Not 
a fig yourself jet streams are not in fact at all "when he was 
on the ZyXEL modem came from encryption Diskdoktora Pleischner. 
 - ZyXEL - moksel! - Swore Stirlitz read that Diskdoktoru have 
not been able to get the necessary documents. Remained the last 
hope. Stirlitz got up and left, whistling through clenched 
teeth tune "Come on, Jora, and hold my Macintosh". 


             Chapter 3.

            We note with squeal banging on the keys,
            Bringing the autumn dawn.
                From the memories of radio operators Cat.


     Chief of Security EF One, nicknamed HELP
was a small dirty dog. He collected viruses written
Stirlitz, and sent them as freeware on the BBS for the Air 
Force, VMS, Navy and DOSAAF. Once, as a result of this was 
destroyed by the semi-annual labor development team. Head of 
Software von T. de Zayner instructed to investigate the matter 
EF Odin himself. Two months all grovel before HELP, and 
Stirlitz to deflect suspicion from himself, even came up with a 
version it made a Chinese spy NEC DEC. In the end, suffered SK 
Rolling, Head of intimate relations with the public who 
inadvertently won HELP Tetris. 

     Now EF One send to BBS message Stirlitz uses in the 
programs the operator GOTO ". Before he could even press Enter, 
as the door opened and entered the room itself ISAev.

 - One - said Stirlitz - Give PageMaker.
 - And why you? - Asked HELP.
 - Changes to do - without batting an eye parried Stirlitz.

     "This is his words do not climb" - thought HELP -
"Here sense the hand of Microsoft."

     While EF One rummaging through boxes of pirated 
distributions, Stirlitz his lunar walk quietly walked over to 
the safe and using a handheld cracker broke the 128 - bit 
security code. It was easy, because cracker Shtirlitsa broke 
and √ 2-bit, and bit number, and even e-bit code. Taking the 
folder with the documents Stirlitz slammed the door and said:

 - By the way, one you ever tried to stick the plug
in the socket and jam?

     ISAev knew that he always remembers the last sentence, so 
HELP, recalling a visit Shtirlitsa will think that he came to 
show off their next wacky pun. 

     Two days later Stirlitz received a message: "Unix - apex'u.
Date of error. Kanto Reed Drive tse. "
 - Excel-moksel! - Said Stirlitz.

     He alone knew that he would raise the salary. ISAev went 
and bought for a fee Ethernet box favorite, "Porter Centronics 
", slowly drinking, playing along to your favorite Minesweeper.


     After a while he lay in a haystack at the junction of two 
drains looking through a stack of his memory, tapping a stack 
with a bang on boots, waving a banner and streaming happy tears.


     But the windows came the rain and the installation process 
...