Adventurer #05 30 ноября 1996

Юмор

Ottyag - Test "You do not happen to brake?" 20 things that you can do until the game is loaded from tape and disk. Test "As far as like you around?" 40 things you can do with a "broken" drive and 5 tips how not to do with "broken" disk. A few tips for those who want to send programs to soil- those to their foreign friends.

 (C) Fedorov, "Chasm" Vladimir


     Until recently, our journal was
more conservative, and we thought it lacked a bit of humor. Of 
course, the magazine revived several novels and promotion of 
games, written in a humorous style, but after some thought, I 
was instructed to establish and maintain a new section of our 
publication under dovolnotaki informally named "Ottyag. I hope 
you are well and enjoy yourself poprikalyvatsya, after reading 
all those articles that find below.



     Section in this issue almost
consists entirely of translated by me
articles published in English electronic journal "Subliminal 
Extacy", available off the team Extacy-3. My translations are 
designed in the spirit of the original written in the style of 
"subtle English humor, and if someone will warp slang

expression, then I apologize in advance.
If you offend some things (eg,
test results), then I Extacy-3 has
Once again, it's all one big
funny and not an occasion for angry Fakov (fuck off) to our 
address. 

     Of course, if you know a perfect English (including 
slang), then I'll I advise to only read the last article

In this section, and then upload
"Subliminal Extacy" and enjoy the lyrics
in the original.

     Yes, I also want to apologize in absentia Extacy-3 for the 
use of materials from their publications, without prior 
arrangements (with England carried Contact How many 
problematic). 

     Something I'm here to swing. Begin,
perhaps with a little testika.


          (C) Bogie of Extacy-3


        You do not happen to brake?



     Of course, you believe in yourself and think you are - 
cool dude. But these few questions will help you learn if it's 
true! 

     So, take a pen with a piece of paper
and write down their answers.


     1.What do you do in your spare time?

 A) I'm writing on my Speccy demos or miami
    nyayu music or drawing the graphics for these

    demos.
 B) Watching TV.
 B) I take a thermos, a notepad and pen.

    Then go to the nearest railway


    line and record numbers passing

    trains.


     2.What are you doing tonight?

 A) I'm sitting at home or with friends. Watching TV
    visor or a play on his / their computers
    pe.
 B) I went to a bar or disco, glue virgins
    chonok, I drink that bit stronger. Then, by

    the way home, yelling loudly, landed on the

    passers-by and occasionally fall into the alterations

    with the cops.
 B) In the evening?? It is you talking about?? I'm going to

    to bed at 19.00, because I want a
    write the number of trains passing by

    Moscow at 5.40.


     3.Iz what is your outfit?

 A) a pair of baggy jeans (with a drawn
    mi knees) and a few shirts

    I have the Mighty size by five.
 B) From the tight jeans, a few


    T-shirts with funky slogans, ti
    PA: "I loke the Pope, the Pope smo
    kes dope "(" I saw the pope,

    Dad smoked a shoal ") and another pair of pants

    and shirts.
 B) Three-brown trousers, seven py
    bashek for each day of the week, and carried
    How many T-shirts with trains on them.


     4.What are you listening?

 A) Rave and techno music.
 B) Metal and thrash type: Nirvana, Sepultu
    ra, Metallica and Motorhead.
 B) pop music, such as: Take That, East 17, Ace

    of Base and 2 Unlimited.


     5.What you otnosishsya to have sex?

 A) Shoots biting a girl on diskote
    Ke, begs her for coffee and

    then fuck it. By the way, moving away from

    it, you "accidentally" forgetting to tell

    What is your name.

 B) Had sex with regular partners
    rum, solely on the classical
    se.
 B) Sex - this is when you have to insert my

    end with a girl? Fu, never!


     6.Tebe decided to make a surprise. You
open your eyes and see ...

 A) A race bike with a volume slider

    600 cc
 B) cutie with a nice attractive face and large

    breast, you blow job.
 B) Trans-Express, carrying
    schiysya past at a speed of 200 km / h.


     7.Ty smoke?

 A) Sure! 80 pieces per day, and again in May

    I get up at night!
 B) Only when I drink, but this happens

    rare.
 B) No. I do not spend money on cigarettes. I

    better to buy a new pencil and a notepad.


     8.Chto you drink?

 A) Pie Diet Coke - it's

    for me.
 B) ordinary lager beer mug.

    No, I'm not lying!
 B) I drink anything - only that it contains
    Lo alcohol. And again, until the extinction
    pa.


     9.Tvoya favorite food?

 A) Chicken with fried potatoes, gorosh
    com, greens and gravy.
 B) Hamburgers, hot dogs, fries - only

    All This was good fried.
 B) Cheese sandwich and a bag of fried

    potatoes flavored with cheese and onions.


     10.Kak looks like your room?

 A) The walls of my room hung with posters

    my favorite bands.

 B) It is the most pribranaya room of all,

    I've seen. On the wall neatly

    hung a poster "Bros" and photos

    trains.
 B) Complete obstruction diskettes, tapes muse
    Coy, other useful and useless

    things. And amidst all this, in the center,

    is my Speccy!


     11.How are your favorite jokes?

 A) Carbon jokes about computers, People
    seals, booze and sex.
 B) Anecdotes of the Armenian Radio.
 B) The jokes like: "The little boy found

    machine gun - more in the countryside nobody

    lives.


     12. Why are you reading Subliminal
Extacy? (If you do not ever read
this journal, then ask yourself the same
question regarding ADVENTURER'a. - Approx.
interpreter.)
 A) Because I have long awaited release of a new

    numbers of this journal, and generally regarded
    melting, it's cool edition!
 B) Because the magazine was one among

    many other programs that I

    recently recorded / bought.
 B) Actually, I user Atari. AND

    Feng Speccy an example of this magazine

    shows me that his computer

    better than mine.



                 Rating


 1. A) 10 pts 7. A) 10 - "-
    B) 5 --"-- B) 5 - -
    B) 1 --"-- B) 1 - "-
 2. A) 5 --"-- 8. A) 1 - "-
    B) 10 --"-- B) 5 - -
    B) 1 --"-- B) 10 - "-
 3. A) 1 --"-- 9. A) 5 - "-
    B) 10 --"-- B) 10 - "-
    B) 5 --"-- B) 1 - "-
 4. A) 5 --"-- 10. A) 5 - "-
    B) 10 --"-- B) 1 - "-
    B) 1 --"-- B) 10 - "-
 5. A) 10 --"-- 11. A) 10 - "-
    B) 5 --"-- B) 1 - "-
    B) 1 --"-- B) 5 - "-
 6. A) 5 --"-- 12. A) 10 - "-
    B) 10 --"-- B) 5 - -
    B) 1 --"-- B) 1 - "-

               Your Points



               less than 12


     Try to count all over again.


                  12-59


     Well, you and the brake! Take away away
his dirty magazines.


                  60-99


     Yes ... You're pretty stuffy type. Try a little cheer - go 
have a drink. Maybe it will benefit you.



                 100-119


     You're definitely an interesting person, although in some 
places still retarding.



                   120


     Can say with confidence - you do not
brake. You: Speccy fan and love cool delay. Why do not you come 
to us - beer burst. (Prior to England at all far away, so I 
zvyakni. / Ca. Interpreter /). 


                above 120


     You have no place among us! You could
stormozit even in this simple test.



     Well, as you started? I think a good idea! We continue in 
this vein. 

     If you're a longtime fan Speccy, you must have had 
experience with loading programs from tape. Hopefully, the next 
article will make you shed a tear (I hope, laughter), 
remembering those good old days.



               (C) Clare Bear


   20 things you can do


      until the game is loaded from tape


     Only smug lovers easy
life using the drive. We - steep
guys still use cassettes,
because they are cheaper and look voobshe
more sexy (what there little holes!) So, you can ...

01. Read the description of the game until it

    loaded. In my opinion, it is better to know

    keys than to steam, the group

    openly grope "Fire!"

02. Eat some cake. They should
    Ny always be with cream, though

    worst, to descend and puff. Posta
    Wright to drop crumbs in the keyboard
    py, because they can not be the best

    way affect its serviceability
    sequence.

03. Correct hair, looking at the reflection

    on the monitor. Of course, there is little that

    can be seen, but if you look closely,

    you can see the contour of hair.

    However, sometimes this can lead to

    what is on your head will be

    "Explosion at the Pasta Factory." If

    you are going to push acne, it is better

    vospolzuytes ordinary mirror.

04. Go out into the living room and watch "Ellen

    and the guys "for five minutes. And in
    is severely broken off, remembering

    that you have downloaded Football Manager 2,


    loading is needed priostanavli
    vat to hosted advertising
    Naya saver. When you return to

    your room, you'll see on the screen

    blinking border.

05. Cut off the nails on the hands and feet.

    See item two on with reference to
    sharp nails.

06. Engage in masturbation. If the sounds zag
    you will interfere with the manual ultrasonic inspection, 
turn 

    the sound of a tape recorder and a good

    vzdrochnite.

07. Tackle masturbate again.

08. If you have lying around a little "plate
    on ", then it can kuranut. By the end of

    download you'll be ready for transition
    yes in virtual reality.

09. Imagine that you are flying near

    sun in the out-of-control


    ship to Elite. And this radiation from

    Star is all those funny effects
    fects on the curb.

10. Go to a store and buy chips.

    If there was no queue, and the chips would
    Whether in sales, you just have time

    by the end of downloading (and go vkusnen
    who, while listening to the splash muse
    ku).

11. Go back to the store because

    forgot to buy beer.

12. Play in shitty pocket electron
    throne game, until the boot is the

    a game that you expect.

13. Try to remember what you transmission
    tili interesting on TV when

    spent the whole evening at his Speccy.

14. Play the enchanting melody on

    flute, whistles or any other


    a small wind instrument. Inte
    It is interesting to see if you can play in one

    pitch with the sounds of boot?

15. Popytayes tune in to radio stations
    tion so that the sound settings were

    in unison with the sounds of loading, which

    you now hear. Try to sharpen
    her tune to this frequency. MC

    RADIO - a good choice (haha).

16. Take some acid. While loaded
    zhaetsya Rainbow Islands in 128'm mode
    metal, this is the best game of the

    those in which you have ever played

    (At least you will not be loaded
    huddle Whatever else you do).

17. Lit a cigarette. This may COH
    Yes some will kill you, but usually

    for while the smoked cigar
    that, the game manages to boot.

18. Insert a tape cassette with Claw

    finger - Listening to music can

    you distract from the tedious waiting.

19. Call work and tell me what

    take a day at his own expense. Use
    those remaining three minutes for

    to order a pizza with shrimp and

    beer.

20. Look out the window and dream about

    you have great fuck on Saturday

    evening.


     And remember that nothing you can do this if you have a 
floppy drive! So, who among us loh? 



     I do not know about you, but I am with the last paragraph 
of Article Claire totally disagree. It seems that my opinion is 
shared by the author of another article. 


            (C) Bogie Of Extacy-3


   20 things you can do


      until the game is loaded from disk


     This is my response to "20 things that
You can do until the game is loaded with
tapes ", which composed Clare Bear.
So, I'll show you that the drive
better than tape and will give its 20 councils.

01. The game is loaded from disk for 5 seconds

    but when booting from tape, you will have

    steam 10 minutes.

02. If you have a program that

    makes the drive is constantly spinning,

    the drive will go quite as

    vibrator.

03. Open a bottle of beer. You certainly do not

    be able to drink it while downloading

    game, but during the game, you can always


    press pause and take a gulp of beer. COH
    yes bottle over, open another one
    Well. Then another and another. By the end of the night, you

    certainly will lead to your love
    mym Speccy talk about the theory of the origin
    Denia universe.

04. Pull up their socks. There is nothing xy
    Also during the game than to detect them

    lie under the table.

05. Pohrustite knuckles before

    game. You have just enough for that

    time until the game is loaded.

06. Lit a cigarette. That's all that you

    have time to do, but the farther you Mauger
    those practicing in the smoking system
    cigarettes without taking her mouth.

07. Burp! It usually takes

    less time than required for downloads
    Key games, but after that you feel
    ete much better.

08. Purdy! (See above)

09. Try saying: "Why damn

    cassette so slow compared to

    drive? "before the game loads
    Xia. This is harder than it seems at first
    At first glance.

10. Take in a few seconds on a

    in the mirror.

11. Let brakes cram descriptions Games

    your ass! Who needs those described
    Sania! Find the most keys in the game

    much more on-jokes.

12. Scratched ass.

13. Try to scratch, not shutting down of

    pleasure of the eye.

14. Turn on the radio! Speccy does not interfere

    listen to it at a frequency of 96.3 FM.

15. Think of the coolest anecdote and ho
    roshenko laugh at him.

16. If you stradatete premature

    death, you can jerk!

17. With a cry of "Yes, wear out!" Võru
    bit, "Helen and the boys" in FIG!

18. Try to remember the famous song,

    melody which corresponds to the noise from the

    of the drive. I'm guessing that swept
    diyu per revolution disc.

19. Remove the disc from the drive, and then

    putting it back, enjoy

    views of future downloads and games,

    moreover, without a single mistake! (Try
    they did the same with a cassette. Ha-ha!)

20. And, finally, break the tape on the degree
    Well, with the words: "You - Slow ku
    juice of crap! "


     Well, HOW, Clare Bear, who among us more loh?



     It seems that the English fans
Speccy, use the pages of his magazine as well as our domestic 
programmers use their scrolls intro - for squabbles among 
themselves. 

     But we will not be loaded with their problems. Popartes 
better for the next test. 


       (C) BlackStar of Crypto Burners


     As far as like you around



     What are you waiting for? You can find out
Do you respect your friends, or they
look at you as a full brake.
Now be presented to you a cool chance to check it out!

     The rules of this test is very simple.

After each question, you'll be able to see
three options for response. Choose the most
close to you in spirit (A, B or C) and write
question number and letter of response to the paper.
At the end of the test for these letters to you will be awarded 
points. It's very simple. I think Thou shalt not cheat? The 
same need just for you, boy!



     1. One of your friends is free
Hata on Saturday night, and he invited you to his cool delay. 
What did you tell him answer?


 A) I have no friends ...
 B) I'm sorry, I have not made lessons on the following
    lowing week, and, besides, I have

    to finish his new DeMouy.
 B) Of course, dude! I'll have you!


     2. You have a good time at a party and
Suddenly you see fucking sexy girl. Your first thought?

 A) Oblomov! She probably already have

    guy.
 B) It would be nice to sleep with her, but

    What about my girl?
 B) Wow! And she did! Interestingly, it

    drew attention to me?


     3. You're all the same party. It was this girl invites you 
to dance. What do you answer her? 

 A) Sure, baby, let's kindle!
 B) I? Really? Of course ...
 B) A. .. O. .. Since ... (Blush).



     4. You're dancing with a girl (still with the
same). And you think she wants you,
because dancing is as if by chance, pressed against you. What 
are you doing? 

 A) You say: "Sorry, I need to

    toilet "- and then washed off, we write
    raeshsya in the toilet and quickly draw
    chish.
 B) very confusing, because you

    "Stood up" and try to make it a
    On seeing them.
 B) is dense hold her, giving

    feel his hard dick,

    and kiss her.


     5. A girl whispers in your ear: "I
I want you! "What did you answer her?

 A) Nothing. Because you're very confused and

    can not connect two words.
 B) asks: "Where to go - for you

    or me? "
 B) "You're sick SPID'om?" - Asking

    eat you.


     6. You are going to your home. You
behind the wheel. She puts her hand on you
thigh and began stroking your foot, picking up closer and 
closer to the fly ... 

 A) You close your eyes with pleasure and

    never let them have reopened,

    because you find yourself flattened
    nnymi great coach.
 B) You vozbuzhdaeshsya and start again

    frequently to breathe.
 B) You say: "Since you started, then

    Why do not you stoop and otso
    write? "


     7. You get to your home and naparyvaetes in the living 
room of their ancestors. That are you doing?


 A) introduces the girl with them.
 B) You start to ship them that she came

    help you to study (but not

    bathe, as she stylishly Nakra
    Schoen and dressed in a sexy dress).
 B) You go to your room, on the way

    You informiruesh parents that the only

    podsnyal that this girl, and hang

    the door sign "DO NOT DISTURB."


     8. She said that taking the pill. What are you doing?

 A) All the same, putting on gum to Che
    On a not pick up.
 B) pushes her onto the bed, tearing her

    clothes and fuck in all holes.
 B) "Why?" - You ask.


     9. On Monday, the institute, your
friends ask you how much you are so quickly washed away in that 
time. What do you think? 

 A) tell them all, embellishing

    salacious details, and they do not you

    believe.
 B) tell them all, embellishing


    salacious details, and they govo
    ryat: "This is - cool!"
 B) blush and say nothing.


     10. You receive a letter from a girl,
stating that you picked up from
her AIDS.

 A) Do you think it was a joke, spit on all

    and fuck another 300 girls. Three

    month you're dying from SPID'a.
 B) Do you wear a condom and thought that all

    it was a pencil. Thought ... After three undeformed
    Whether you're dying from SPID'a because

    noticed that the condom was ripping
    LIMITED.
 B) Do you read the next page letter

    and discover that it was a joke, but it

    not averse to sleeping with you one more time.



                 Rating


 1. A) -100 pts 6. A) 1 - "-
    B) 5 --"-- B) 0 - -
    B) 1 --"-- B) 5 - "-
 2. A) 5 --"-- 7. A) 3 - "-
    B) 0 --"-- B) 0 - -
    B) -3 --"-- B) 5 - "-
 3. A) 5 --"-- 8. A) 4 - "-
    B) 0 --"-- B) 5 - -
    B) -3 --"-- B) -1 - -
 4. A) 0 --"-- 9. A) 1 - "-
    B) -1 --"-- B) 5 - -
    B) 5 --"-- B) -2 - "-
 5. A) -3 --"-- 10. A) 3 - "-
    B) 0 --"-- B) 1 - "-
    B) 5 --"-- B) 8 - "-


               Your Points



                  50 =>


     Hoo! I think you can fuck
any girl you liked. Your
friends probably envy you greatly. So
Keep it up! But not Catch AIDS!


                  40-49


     Not bad, but you, however, is still
practice podsnimanii girls.
Do not let his "best friend" respite.


                  30-39


     Hmm. Learn, son! Girls love guys
bolder.



                  20-29


     Or you do not have 16, or you're a big
brake.


                  10-19


    You still do not have 16 and you are very fragrant!


                   0-9


     Fuck you, fag!


                   = 0


     What are you doing in this world?



     Well? Yes, I too was not
too steep (according to the results of this test). Although 
life is never in this did not notice (ask NEVER'a as

girls we had pasted over in Mlada years).

     Well, okay, we will continue ottyag! I think that for as 
long as you own yuzaete PC, you have left the building at least 
one disc. The following article will help you decide what to do 
with "broken" disk. 


       (C) K-oS and L.A. of Extacy-3


     40 things you can do


            with a "broken" disc


     Damn! Another drive "was dead"!
Of course, he has served well, but now you're going to do with 
it? Discard it? Vskroesh and see what's inside? It is better to 
read these 40 tips and you know what else to do with "broken"

drive! (The following discussion focuses on recycling

3.5 inch drives, but some tips
perfectly acceptable and for 5-inch.
/ Translator's Note ')

01. Use as a base for beer

    mugs.
02. Broke it into two parts and use

    halves as earrings.
03. Pogni metal parts of the disk, and

    then paste it into the drive evil

    enemy.
04. Replace magnetic medium sandpaper, and

    then insert the disc into your worst

    enemy.
05. Throw against a wall and then counted on

    how many parts he has broken (my solution
    cord - eight).
06. Use as a dish for throwing.
07. Take your magnetic media and use

    it as still the best dish for the meta
    of.
08. Jump on a good drive, and then

    it can be used as a component

    puzzle-golovolomu.

09. Take the exit pipe and smoke.
10. Throw out the window, then went down

    and try to catch him.
11. Extinguish it with cabbage and can apply

    this dish for dinner.
12. Begin to gather a collection of "broken" Thesis
    Cove.
13. Add to it the game seven years of giving
    In particular, and then trade him what-neither
    lohu be on a disk with novem.
14. Use it as a sex toy.
15. Pierce a hole in it with a pin and use
    use as a sieve.
16. Take a few discs, glue them

    together and use as a retainer of the

    door.
17. Take plenty of disks, glue them

    together and used as press will
    magicians.
18. Bury it. Can find him through

    300 years of some stupid archaeologist.
19. Give it a dog bite, and then coc
    read the number of bite.
20. Disconnect on the two halves, thinned in

    both sides of the larger holes and use
    use as a frame for spectacles.
21. If the casing of the disc was made of

    dark transparent plastic, it

    half will go well for the solar

    points.
22. Grind it and use it as fertilizer
    of.
23. Namazh disk glue, hang in the greenhouse -

    good trap for flies.
24. Attach the line and use it as th
    hoboyku.

25. Use paper strips inside

    disc as a handkerchief.
26. Keep the drive until its old age, but for
    to sell as antiques.
27. Marinate it.
28. Vskroy drive to put inside the cheese or

    other toppings, and eat a sandwich.
29. Cut out the teeth on the edge of the magnetic carrier
    solvent, acceded motor and use

    as a circular saw.
30. Drop off the bridge and watched as he

    not swim drowned.
31. Plant it and wait until they grow

    disk tree.
32. "Just a Dip" broken "disk in the growing
    Thief McBollox'a Recovery

    drive - and your drive like new! -

    it would be cool!
33. Partition your hard disk, standing in the middle of the pin

    and used as a sundial.
34. Change your magnetic media "broken"

    disk drive with new games, then

    Bring to a store (or on the market, but

    not only for our / ca. Translator /)


    and say: "I do not ship
    Camping! "
35. Arriving at the wall and use it as mi
    Ginseng for throwing darts.
36. Plant them on the hook and use as a
    Zivko.
37. Use a scraper Obu
    form.
38. Stick to the disk and use the razor as

    shuriken.
39. Plug in and use as a nightlight.
40. Just burn it! (I guess you pyromaniac?)


     Wow! Like, everything.



     And now, five tips on how not
should act with "broken" disk.

01. To send the editors of the magazine,

    asking him to write a fresh issue.
02. Use as a condom.
03. Write to him their new demos.


    (Of course, if they are not very left).
04. Write to them demos for the exchange.
05. Sell ​​it, producing a new type of

    information carrier.


     Thank you for your attention and calm you
night!


     I do not know, maybe you have now and
night, but I think that you do not want to sleep.
Poet stand in your court his creation.
I think that you will appreciate the merits of this hard-boiled 
fiction (poke a thumb in the table and yell "bullshit" and 
"fuck off" is not recommended). 



    A few tips for those who

    wants to send a program

    mail to their foreign friends



     This story I want to express
in the form of the feuilleton, which tell you how I
personal experience to know how best to
send abroad program in the mail
with minimal time and nerves.


               Part One


     There was a nasty rainy October
day of 1993. Get out of the house did not want to and I whiled 
away the time by viewing the Polish demo, which I recently 
brought from Moscow. Technical quality of their performance 
could be better, therefore, mostly, I listened to music. But in 
the midst of this fascinating classes, the doorbell rang. On 
the threshold stood drenched SHRSOFT - apparently he 

forgotten umbrella at home. Until I shut the door,
Roma insidiously crept to my computer
and occupied the presidential seat.

     - What are you doing here? A demo
look ... - Concluded SHRSOFT.

     - Skukota, here I sit, kochumayu. -
I replied.

     - Can riveted to something your own?
Codes I take.

     - Yes, you've got your hands under Microprotector
incarcerated, and what we do with music?
Dran embed'm not a thrill. - I retorted.

     - What are you, the composer will, eh?
To you it does not Will you come - you are all on the piano
"Dog Waltz" is played.

     - Fuck you! - I was offended - I
I have several of his own tunes.
However, at the Music Box 128 it will look very ugly.

     - But we already have and Soundtracker
ASM v 0.12.

     - There is something they have. Just as
They write - I'll never know.


     - Yes. Case trash. - Roma scratched his head, - And, 
although, wait, ASM, like, made in Ukraine, so will probably be

easier to call the author and to clarify unclear points.

     No sooner said than done. To reach
Dnipropetrovsk was a matter of minutes. After negotiations with 
the author, we learned that he had recently finished his latest 
- ASM 1.11 and fully agree for a fee to send us with your 
editor, and, moreover, a detailed description. Required of us 
to send wheels (Andrew asked him to send fresh

demos) and the ruble equivalent of five dollars.

     Next comes the fun part.
Arriving at the post office, we came to the window
receiving mail, and put
place your floppy and asked to send
them to Ukraine.

     - What is it? - Asked the lady behind the counter.

     We started to explain that these things

designed to record various information, and in particular - 
shows. Then she pulled out a thick Talmud and the beginning of 
it concentrated on digging. After a

time, she uttered: "No!"

     - What's wrong? - We asked naively.

     - Send your drives are not. -
She enlightened us.

     - Why? - Frankly surprised us.

     - And suddenly, on your diskettes written information, 
which may cause detriment of Russia.


     - Do we look like James Bond? Maliciously pinned Roma.

     - No, not really, but still here
written that "you can not send audio-visual media, which can be
written information that could harm Russia's interests. "So
can not help. - Noted
she said.

     - I do that already, and record their
foreign friend not to send? - Again

pinned SHRSOFT.

     - It is impossible, without proper examination.

     - And who holds that same examination?

     - That you need to go to customs.
There is a special department that deals with these issues. 
Only after their permission, we can send your discs.


     Learning the Customs Service, we next
day to go there. Had to trudge on
the other side of town. Finding the appropriate
department, we made our problem.

     - And you from what organization? - Asked about the man.

     - Yes, actually we have an informal
association. - Told us.

     - Then nothing you can not help. We
deal exclusively test
departures from the organization. You need to
go straight to the post.

     - Well, here! Some are sent here, others - back. - Cool 
breakup, and cursing bad words both offices, we 

trudged back.

     Enter the bus passengers feel uncomfortable when confronted
with an ominous glance Roma, who at that
time resembled something look Chernonegrova Arnie in the movie 
Terminator. 

     - All right - all of them - gone! - Via
some time announced SHRSOFT. - Though I
I will go to the Minister of Communications and the case is so
I will not leave!

     Soon we came back to the building
mail. The door was kicked open.
The views of all those present were riveted to the two people 
who leisurely gait approached the counter (watch "Mad Dogs? 
about how there). 

     - How to get the most important thing here
Chief? - No talking just hit Roma.

     - In the hall, the stairs to the third
floor.

     - It is clear, and warned him on the phone that we are 
going. - Through his teeth SHRSOFT. 


     Cabinet door, we found quickly. Director of the Post 
Office, greeted us with a smile. 

     - Come in, is located in the seats. - Kindly offered it - 
What is your Problem?


     - Problem? We have no problems. We have horseradish 
PROBLEMS - plural. Firstly, in your

institution we have refused to accept the parcel without any 
examination at customs. At the customs, in turn, we refused to 
examination, referring to the fact that we do not represent any 
organization. So think like you out of this the situation get 
out because we are dealing so do not leave. - Concluded the 
Roma. 

     - Yes, the situation is complicated. - Thoughtfully
said the chief. A few seconds later he
thought, and then pressed the button selector - Helen, come to 
me for a minute and retrieve a catalog of items.


     Soon the room became secretary
very sexy shaking his hips in tight dress.


     - Helen, look at the item about
that is allowed to be sent. - Pretty
gallantly asked the chief.

     Secretary to get deeper into the catalog and after some 
time we found the desired item. 

     - You can send as a gift
any items of no more than five
pieces if they are not prohibited to transfer
(There were well written, or maybe something
close to it). - She quoted.

     - Well, your floppy disk on a bomb
not like, so I think we can
well they send. Helen, tell people at the bottom of the guys 
now to it will fit. - Kindly ordered the chief.


     Goodbye and wished each other
all the best, we SHRSOFT'om went down. There have already been 
waiting for. Filling relevant papers, we have no problems

sent our CDs in Dnepropetrovsk.

     Through mesyatsok, we happily got wheels ASM'om. Thus, the 
entire 

Russia was secured v1.11 of the editor with the full 
description. 


               Part Two


     It was summer of 1996. Once
ELF was sitting at home and thought that would make him
so bad. And the most interesting part of his thoughts, he was 
interrupted by phone calls. JOKER caller was from a prominent 
team now MAFIA. As it turned out, he became interested in our

edition and would like to exchange software between Kharkov and
Rybinsk. We agreed that we will send the first time, Kostya has 
decided to call me, as had heard about the history, described 
above. 


      Chronology of subsequent events:


               Day One


     Thinking that everything will be chiki-Pokey, as

the first time, we, without thinking twice, gone
directly to the post office. But there we were immediately 
bummer. 

     - No! Customs without a visa, we can not send to another 
country. So that you are in any case have to visit

this institution. - Direct otshila us worker-mail.

     - And where is the custom, everything is there
same - the old address?

     - Not now. It is located now in Marievke (District Rybinsk 
- approx. author).


     - And, I know! - I said - It is not far from my house.

     - Here's a postal customs declarations. Fill them, and let 
the section "Notes" you put the stamp with an appropriate 
inscription. 

     - Of course. - "We replied, taking a
a three form.

     Find Customs was not difficult,
good it was two hundred yards from my
home. Finding the department of customs,

We politely knocked on the door and entered,
described their problem.

     - Well, well, well. Enough is enough. And now
once again all over again and slowly. - He said, scratching his 
head, customs officer. 

     - We wrote a program and want to send it to these magnetic 
disks for abroad - in Ukraine. At the post office told us that 
without your visa they can not send disks. 

     - And we have something to do with it?

     - You must make an examination, the
for absence on our drives of information that could harm 
Russia's case, sending it to another country. - Naively 
explained to us. 

     - Yeah, of course. Fill in the email
declaration, and here's another couple of ours,
now let's here your drives. - Confidently threw customs.

     - Yes, by the way, these discs are recorded in other 
operating system. You on their pisyukah, check them out just so

can not.


     - You are our pisyuki not touch on
his would have looked. - He parried.

     - I do not know what you think, and we
talking about IBM'ah.

     - Anyway, we've got our experts are - will understand. - 
Smugly replied the man, and disappeared behind a door covered 
with iron.


     Steamed some time for the completion of customs 
declarations, along the way pinning over some items of

securities, we sat down on a fairly hard couch and waited for 
the results of the examination. 

     After a while, steel
door opens and runs thence steamed officer who selflessly
took the expertise of our drives, in company with another man, 
no less steamed form. 

     - A. .. Sorry - spoke to us
The second man - your discs recorded in any other system other 
than MSDOS? 


     - Yes, the TR-DOS. - Suppressing laughter answered ELF.

     - And they're not compatible? - All non-
appeased the local expert on computers.

     - As you probably could see -
absolutely not! - I was pinned.

     - Well then, Sanya, nothing we have not
succeed. - Appealed to the geek
"Our" officer.

     Going back to the office, we all
sat on the chairs. The office was silence. An officer with a 
gloomy view of the spit in the hands of our CDs. 

     - Okay, come tomorrow. I now have no time. - He said, 
returning to us discs. - I will pass your case to another 
specialist. 

     Taking the wheels, and sending all to himself
this institution, to where even a single
erased file is not returned, we went home.


               Day Two


     The next day ELF'u was once, and at customs I went, taking 
with a NEVER'a. Taking with him all the discs and

paper, early in the morning we were at the scene.

     Knocking on the door of the cabinet, where
I was with ELF'om before we entered. At the next table sat 
another man who and invited us to sit down.


     - I'm aware of your affairs, and the only
what can be done in your case, in my
view - is to send these CDs to Yaroslavl. It takes about a week.

     - Why do this? - I'm scared.
- You just need to execute all
paper. Because we could, in principle,
send your files by modem. And you would not
what is not learned. True, the quality of our repulsive 
telephone networks, it would have cost us thousands of 70-100, 
and by mail not more than five.


     After listening to my long tirade, an officer
for some time to think.


     - No. I still can not do that. Need to give an opinion, to 
issue all the papers. So if we have nothing here with your

Disk can not do, they do not Yaroslavl
pass.

     - Stop! I have an idea. - I decided to go to the 
counter-attack - and you able to perform an examination, if we 
give the computer on which you can check the programs recorded 
on our drives?


     - Perhaps we can - thinking said
officer - but come back tomorrow because
After dinner I would not be here.


               Day Three


     I slowly made his way through the dark
tunnel. Barrel shotgun nice chilled
hand. I could not remember how to get here -
very bad headache - and I felt that
I could save only a bottle of beer.

     Suddenly, because of the turning on me man attacked with 
erysipelas brutal psycho. 

Mechanically throwing his shotgun, I released
charge of both barrels - a man blew up his stomach and from 
there flew intestine. 

     - Received! - And only managed to cry out, I like the 
corner appeared a second. 

     Ran back a bit, I clicked on
trigger. The answer was a clatter gate. "This is the end!" - I 
thought, frantically looking for a gun. Gun was not there.

Was only one thing - otstegnuv with belt rusty chainsaw, I 
pretended to be a rag and tried not to shine. Because angle 
could be heard growling brutal psychopath. Rvanuv starter, I 
jumped him meet - with a squeal and a crunch "Friendship"

stabbing in the chest monster. He yelled a heart-rending,
and I raised and put up a saw. When
his blood began to pour my eyes, I pulled out the saw from the 
lifeless body, which collapsed at my feet.


     - Aw, Snap you! - Happily reported
I'm a corpse, kicking his leg.

     Robbed, for ammunition, both
corpse, I went in search of beer. Each
dy step echoed in my head with a hammer blow. Suffering, I 
trudged through an infinite corridor. After some time I came 
across the corpses of DWR, chest of one of They had vsporota 
saw. 

     - It seems that I've been here. -
I thought - So this is the circular corridor. And if so, then 
we must look for the door. 

     Said than done - the nearest door
discovered after the third turn. Opening it up to my feet and 
staggered into the room. Room, rather like a small hangar, was 
in disarray crowded with stacks of boxes. Opening the closest I 
found in it twenty bottles of "March." 

     - Wow, my favorite! - Admiration
I.

     With trembling hands I opened the bottle and
kissed the neck, but was cut off from
this pleasant experience that felt like some kind of pushed me 
nit in the back. I fell forward, threw a few

boxes.

     - A dog, a beer over it! -

I cried, fighting off the bugger.

     He did not lag behind, trying to steal from
I have body armor.

     - Go away, asshole! Tear to pieces, and
Beer will not give up! - I yelled.

     - What are you, Volodya? - I recognized the voice
NEVER'a.

     I opened my eyes and saw NEVER'a,
pull off my blanket. Lifting his head and saw a poster on the 
door of the room Warlock, I realized that I am at home NEVER'a.


     Memory slowly returns to
me. True, as head ached, and
remained in the same state. I remembered
that after customs we went to Lehi NEVER'om of PROTECVISION play
in DOOM, since he lives close to the customs.
Then we headed to the city center, where
met ELF'a, ANTIHACKER'a and MORBID
VISIONS'a. There also appeared to take little idea
something vnutrisogrevayuschego for 9200.
MORBID VISIONS somewhere in a hurry, so
Battle was drunk for four. In the course of bitterns
tion, the idea of ​​a new game (can
We have it someday realize). Then
we all go together for me, where cool
drew off, having listened SEPULTURA (very
loudly) and play FORMULA ONE MANAGER.

     Time was getting on toward evening, and already ANTIHACKER 
somewhere hurriedly. Left three, we thought it would be nice to 
continue the evening in the same spirit. Said than done: we 
take all Battle and go to the embankment of the Volga. But here 
begins a thunderstorm, and we seek refuge in an amusement park. 
Imagine the scene: Rain, thunder, lightning, and we stand in 
all this and drink vodka! Romance! Slamming and

this bottle, we decide to go home.
Us NEVER'om the waterfront had to go far away, so we went on 
our way home to a mutual friend in the outdoor cafe. Just 
because sit was cold ... Well you probably guessed it. Yes! 
Appears on the scene third Battle, but for two. To the house I

have not got ...

     - You said something about beer? - Spro
forces me to NEVER.

     - I had a crazy dream, but
importantly, that there was beer, but I it is very lacking. - 
Sadly replied I.


     - Then I can get you good news - I have some attendants, 
and we can put Morning visit to the brewery. - Happily

Lech told me.

     The beer was cold, and we are much easier.

     - Well, that - let us move on customs? -
asked Alexei.

     - Capture to start my comp. -
remembering the previous day, I reminded her.

     Packed my SCORPION and monitor
PSU in two large bags and
putting the their shoulders, we went to
the ill-fated institution. There have already been waiting for.

     - Come in, place your
computer, now I'll get our expert. - Said the officer, with 
whom we spoke yesterday. 

     Procuring computer, monitor, and connecting all

it among ourselves, we waited. Long
we do not have to sit - in the room went
a man who was interested in what operating system to write our 
CDs. 

     - This computer is your design?
- Pointersovalsya it.

     - Well, we can say that. - I was pinned, - board, keyboard 
and floppy drive - purchase, and everything else improvised.


     And really - look at my
PC can be. All who see him - strongly
have fun watching. Imagine: the case
minitower, made from dvuhmillimetrovoy
Steel kondyuk on the power supply in diameter
seven centimeters and a height of fifteen.
I'm all show a joke - I click the power switch - and the 
program as she worked, and continues on. Housing stickers 
plastered all of Terminator'a, Star Trek'a and Star Wars. Under 
the circuit breaker nutrition label flaunts a life-affirming "I 
voted (I do not know about you, but I Communards - I hate). 
Also on the front panel has three buttons - Reset, 

Magic, and the third - for ponta! That such a
I Speccy.

     - Well, show your program. - Said a man, having admired 
enough creation of handicraft art.


     - This is - this magazine explained .- I
downloading "ADVENTURER".

     - And what buttons to push here? - Asked about the man.

     - Tyknite finger at the keyboard, can and will get, and 
generally the managers keys have been described in the intro.


     Selectively reviewing some sections, the man gave the 
go-ahead. After a time all the relevant papers were

decorated.

     - So-so. And where is the fourth form
postal customs declaration? - Asked the officer who was 
involved in transactions. 

     - We are in the mail got only three. -
discouraged I replied.

     - Well, then you'll have to go
there again, before I finish processing, as one of the four 
must wasps tatsya us.


     On the way to the post, I myself do not
restrained and unprintable words in Russian and
English origin erupted from
I have an endless stream. Sitting on the trolley, tucked along 
the way, I soon returned.


     Further paperwork does not take long, and after an hour of 
our drive were waiting for their turn to be sent to

main post office.



     And the end of this fascinating
history, and that it is not repeated with you if you want to 
send a program abroad, remember a few things:


1. The first step is go to the post office (then on
   division, which accept international

   departure. In our town it heads
   Post Office). If you are unable to Halya
   Woo send discs (without customs


   examination), then take there four

   postal customs declaration form

   (To them on the reverse side there is still

   inscription in French).
2. Stock up on a good emulator Speccy

   on an IBM PC or take with you on that
   can be a complex (though if you have it

   connected to the TV, this will be done
   lat problematic).
3. If the disk contains files with obscene
   mi expressions or images porn
   graphic content, try to

   that they have not got the eye of an expert.


     Well, sort of, and all. With best wishes to you and to our 
next meeting. 


                    Chasm from Infosoft.



From the Editor: Among the letters, which to us
come, a lot of electronic (diskette). And these letters come 
from all parts of the former Soviet Union, in particular, and 
Ukraine. We ask our foreign readers share experiences sending 
diskettes to Russia by mail to our magazine. And if you know 
any other ways, we think everyone will be helpful to them

study.

                  *