Adventurer #09 30 апреля 1999

Юмор

Ottyag - 23 things you can do with the program hanging. Symbols - grimassy in the program notes. 20 things you can do if ochen want to drink, but you have no money. Verse of the monk.

     (C) Fedorov, "Chasm" Vladimir

 Not napryagaYtes
 nor in their lives,
 no pomyslah because
 only ottyanuvshiesya
 kayfuyut.

 From Mitkov 6:3



            Duc, pull!


     Hayushki all! I'm a beer!
Two liters behind, and two more to come!!
"Isetskoe, however! And you know what? ME
NOW Kaif Toptan KEY AND WRITING OTTYAZHNYE FUN!

     Here the other day in the "ass" (note the name of an 
informal art club "Crossroads") told me a cool anecdote: 


     English private club. Admission by chelenskim (or 
membership - ha ha) cards. At the table sit two gentlemen. 
Opposite them in an interesting perspective, sitting lonely 
lady drink "Campari" (A bourgeois cocktail - delicious, a dog, 
but expensive), even sitting in the calling position (remember 
Sharon Stone in a chair in "Basic Instinct") - short skirt, 
legs extended. One gentleman says another.


     - Pay attention to the lady behind
the next table. You do not notice
between her legs?

     - In my opinion, it's panties - answers
the other gentleman.

     - And in my opinion, no, it's hair, sees the first.

     (By the way am I looking at porn "Cafe 'Flesh' 2" by MAX's 
- beautiful whores). 

     Another gentleman:

     - Well, so this lady and no panties?

     - Just such loose ladies and go without underwear. 
Especially since she brunette! 

     - It can not be! It's panties!

     - Well, let's conclude on this bet.

     - Come on.

     Immediately slaughtered bet. Resets
two hundred pounds (English money). The first gentleman is 
coming to the lady and, after apologizing, he asked: 

     - We are here with another wager on the
delicate matter - you sit in this posture, which, of course, 
excuse us, we have seen your crotch a few, so to speak,

darkish. Allow our argument - that
we saw you between the legs knickers - or
hair?

     - Gentlemen, I do not wear lower
laundry and hair shaved off. This, ladies and gentlemen,
probably flies to ...


     Cool! That is - a real English humor. Okay, go directly to 
"Ottyagu"! 

     Each of you used to hang out
program (someone at least who - more often), and of course you 
know that and will always, because computers will be your life 
to the grave (or plastic, again, ha ha). Therefore, let you 
submit a few things that you can do with the program hanging.




     (C) QAZIC 'CYBER from COBRASOFTWARE



      23 THINGS THAT CAN BE DONE

         AT hangup



     1. Restart the program.

     2. Ponazhimat BREAK ten times.

     3. Pulled OVER (IF THERE IS such a device).

     4. Pulled STICK (S).

     5. POPIHAT WIDEST
BUTTON computers, telephones and vacuum cleaners.

     6. POVVODIT ALL KNOWN CHEAT 'Since
AND PASSWORD 'Ll.

     7. PAY ATTENTION, DO NOT TURN OFF
LEE LIGHT.

     8. We've got enough disk from the drive and see it for any 
scratches (IF There is, then burp, if not, then too).


     9. SEVERAL TIMES Paste and shove it (disk, not the drive!) 
BACK (HOTYA. .. AND YOU CAN DRIVE).


     10. NAPERDET in the drive.

     11. Throw disk in the wall.

     12. a) Note Split
Whether the disk or the walls into several pieces.

         b) MEASUREMENTS AND CALCULATIONS Add to TABLE:



  DATE NUMBER OF PIECES NUMBER OF BREAK


       DISK DRIVE WALLS WALLS



     13. He knocked lightly ON COMP / drive.

     14. He knocked heavily on COMP / drive.

     15. He knocked lightly ON COMPUTER / DRIVE HAMMER (CAN and 
vice versa). 

     16. PRESS RESET.

     17. CLICK MAGIC ten times (NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE 
CONSEQUENCES OF). 

     18. Flip through the toggle on the BLOCK
POWER SUPPLY (if any).

     19. a) open a PC (unless it
CLOSED).

         b) POVYTASKIVAT / POVYPAIVAT DIFFERENT MIKRUHI, 
pensively out of it THEM HANDS 5 minutes, put / soldered them on

LOCATION.

         a) Close PC (unless it
Open).

     20. RAISE COMP FOR 50-60 cm and cast.

     21. Patted MONITOR / TV on CRT sledgehammer.

     22. COME TO balcony and threw DISC
As passers-by shouted at him: "What
Damn you're SHLYAESHSYA HERE! ".

     23. RASSHVYRYAT all drives, COMP,
DRIVE, TAPE, POWER SUPPLY AND MONITORS around the room. THEN 
PLAY IN JET SET WILLY 9.3!!!



     Well? Hopefully, after this text
you will be able enough to meet their
payload requirements. Let's go on! In my opinion, should revel 
visual way ... Let's GO!!! 



     Pull, I think. And now for a little lesson 
neprosvyaschennyh computer Slang:




      (C) DEMON / EXPERIENCE / CPU


     Characters faces in the program

              comments


     With the development of electronic networks
(INTERNET, FIDO, ets) programmers
(They were the first to apply
E-MAIL), a set of characters, grimaces to explain the different 
situations. Such was the case in one of the BBS - newspapers

but here I will describe the faces in the program
comments. I hope that everyone connected with the
programming, will be interested in this
article. So:


     <g> smile. Indicates that something
should be funny, or that comment
has a share of humor.


     :-) Happy programmer. There is something good, for 
example: "I made it! :-).



     :-O Surprised by the programmer: "This
formerly worked! :-O. "


     @ # '* Pogrammist swears: "Something
happened to my @ # '* computer! "



     NYI yet implemented (Not Yet
Implemented). The program is not debugged.


     NIH Not Invented Here (Not
Invented Here). For example: "This is a good
reception, but the NIH ".


     OTOH On the other hand ... (On
The Other Hand ... ). "Maybe this will make the program run 
faster. OTOH, it is not very reliable. "




     PMFJI Sorry for intervention
(Pardon Me For Jumping In). Polite
way to intervene in someone else's conversation.


     RSN Now, really soon ...
(Real Soon Now ...)


     RTFM Read good <g> guide (Read The Fine <g> Manual). The 
trivial answer to a dumb question. 


     Well that's all. Bye.


     (Demon poskromnichal about this,
RTFM sledudet read as: Read The
Fucking Manual. ca. by Chasm).



     Interestingly, when you want to drink,
what do you do? Yes, yes, drink - this is understandable, but 
if there is no money? Then I I can help you with advice:



     (C) by Chasm, Demon (wrong) 'Marat


         20 things that can be

   do if you really want to drink,

           but you have no money.


     1. Still go for the casks. (Note
"Jug" - dishes with capacity 0. 5 liters in
which is a liquid containing
alcohol is not less than 40%).

     2. If you do not give a jug into debt, then we can lay the:

     a) videotapes

     b) travel

     c) documents, etc.

     3. Fill mug samogonodatelyu if
He did not lead to these ^^^^^^ things, and all
well take the jug.

     4. Wearing kamuflyazh and reptiles, to pretend
hangover policemen and diluted samogonodatelya three jugs.

     5. Dilute the parents for money.

     6. If parents are not divorced, then
You can try to dissolve any of
not very close friends (give the same
money belt).

     7. Go to his girlfriend, fuck her and then diluted to the 
jug. 

     8. Go to the guests to whom booze yesterday (suddenly he 
has something to drink). 

     9. Asked for someone to date
zhbaneniya (birth).

     10. Hang around the nearest bar
hoping to meet anyone you knew who would buy sotochku.

     11. If it happens on Saturday,
then we can go to the "ass" ("Crossroads") or to another club, 
there is usually going to People who want to revel in a drink. 

     12. If the People before the "asshole" is not
booze, then you can try to sneak in
nahalyavu club, and there the swell at all
No problem.

     13. Get under the bed, pull out
the "cover" from booze, to surrender them to buy
jug.

     14. Gather up a few "cover" in the near
park, and surrendering them to buy a jug.

     15. During the search of empty bottles,
found under a bush, a jug, which zanykali ooze from skulls 
(more realistic). 

     16. Sell ​​something unnecessary and
buy a jug.

     17. Sell ​​something and buy the right jug.

     18. Dig in the dump of copper, then
rent it and buy a jug.

     19. Sit at the central market and
request for a jug (too embarrassing).

     20. To find a drink - you need a drink! (One hundred grams 
does not stop Crane - dernesh, do not stop). 


     Then came mom and broken off the entire work environment - 
free to turn down, but I turned and put mafon soundtrack from 
"SPAWN'a" - Slayer with Atari Teenage Riot - it's cool!!! What 
would this write? We'll have to improvise.



     Five hours later ...


     Naimprovizirovalsya ... He sent my mother
even in 1.5 liter "Isetskogo" ... Until
she went to a couple of times sdrochnul on porn
(Another haha). Nadrinchalsya brought beer and fell asleep ;-( 
Now I sit, watching "King Kong" on NTV, drink "Pepsi" snack and 
ice cream. Aesthete fucking ... yeah ... Daily rate of 
consumption of beer, I get 5. 5 liters - OK! By the way, 
Another anecdote: 


     Five-story house burned down. Alone
witness - a man. Naturally, the fire
with the cops questioned how it was.


     - Well, got up in the morning - masturbate. Breakfast - 
masturbate. TV looked - masturbate - says a witness. 

     - Citizen, and you can without intimate
details - asked cops.

     - Yes, I can not ... - Went to waste man.

     - Well, as you wish ...

     - So, the TV looked - masturbate. Dinner - masturbate. And 
then the smoke fire - and I do not remember masturbate or not!



     In my opinion, it's too bad. We extend farther 
kartinochkami. 



     With the hangover I have something drawn on
Download ...



     (C) Han / Good Guys H. G.


              Poems about MONK


     There lived a monk

     in canvas trousers

     Sweet he ate, drank and slept,

     And why did not know.

     Once came to him a man

     and screaming like a megaphone:

     "This is not the cell, and latrine

     go out of here! "

     One man was Funny

     laugh, he decided

     A monk was karate

     little man he killed ...

     After that he began to sleep,

     drink and a life worth living look.

     Here is such a monk

     in canvas trousers ...



     Plain such a story. And now
Another anecdote hit this past summer.


     Performance in the Bolshoi Theater-type
(Theater). Ladies in evening dresses, guys
in tuxedos - seated, programs
(Of paper) in the hands twirl. Opens the curtain - in the 
middle of a scene on chair sits a man and Fingering.



     Five minutes Fingering ...


     Ten minutes Fingering ...


     Fifteen - all could not finish.


     People in the hall, of course, worry
began: come to the Lake leblyadinnoe, and
here - a man! Jerks! In the middle of the scene !!!!! Shu-shu, 
the hall went. And one lady broke down and spoke aloud.


     - What a disgrace!

     - Who is here? - Scared man ...


     When I first told him,
I boiled water Ssali. I'll go and climbed into the tub, with
pohmelyugi chilly, there can come up with something hilarious 
... 

     Hilarious not invented, but it felt better fairly. Spree, 
which began 31 December seems to be suited to the finale. From

these ten days I did not drink, perhaps only two, and even then 
not in a row. The last three days (including Christmas) I 
nahorosho loaded beer (Stepan, Tver, Yaroslavl, and, of course, 
Rybinsk). I'll go have a smoke ... 

     And I have a house next door has opened a new bar - 
zashib! Far to go now do not, however, there are grieving: cops

covered almost all the points where you can
Buy "Simon", therefore the remaining moonshiners prices have 
risen already to 16 rubles.


     Something I swing, therefore, continue.



     (C) Shushkov Alexander

       edited and rewrited by Chasm


           The first letter Petit


     Arriving, pootdohnuv after prolonged settlement on the 
wards, Peter thought to himself: "The Parrot ancestors Popish 
letter." Letter went.



     Hi ancestors!


     Fared well. Cooks prepare salted food, badly eaten
pioneers. Thinner. In the morning comb
hair, then rinsing the mouth appendages.
After taking just move around a great meal.


     Before Monday went according to plan
walk in nature. Trudged half a day.
On the way to overcome obstacles - have moved on a belt five 
ponds. Then followed cold. Lain polnedeli, then feel better.



     Fifth chewed food has suffered
defeat - the pioneers are hungry.


     Fifteenth in the morning, opened the tent. Came the 
seller, he began to present products. Half an hour passed, 55% 
counter thinned. Girlfriend advised buy a donut. Spent 50 pence.

Following a decision had pokorchitsya donut. Lay for half a 
minute, pobleval, porygal, drank Pepsi, pootoshlo. Bought 
cigarettes, "Pamir" under the plan. After the donut struck 
shit. Podristal diarrhea - better, podtersya paparotnikom. 


     Went for a walk. Walking through the park,
noticed a couple under the fir: dishwasher
podmahivala cook. Make fun of them for half an hour,
simultaneously masturbate. Smoked a cigarette and blew out the 
soles. Appeared perepihnutsya thought. Went, looked girlfriend 
- perepihnulis-quick scheme. Went to piss, shit in passing. 


     After a snack, when you connect the device, nailed Pautov, 
burned Posting fifth chamber. They called the plumber.

Plumber densely had supper, taking a decent portion of the 
port, came. Half an hour passed, the wiring was repaired. 


     Around midnight, a friend asked to drag half a ton 
prichendaly. Drag. Girlfriend thanked the bed. Have sex under 
the "Prodigy" - the first girlfriend half an hour. Girlfriend 
trudged along. Smoked plan (the day before brought 
praktikantpovar Pasha), drank port wine (plumber drove), went 
to swim. Bought, dry out, walk along the beach, kiss, have sex. 
Come on the wards. 


     Come and lay down to sleep, after masturbate. Got a 
hangover in the morning to the contrary. Asked the plumber 
hangover. Got Beer "Porter", a hangover girlfriend after 
pohmelyaniya drawn sex. Tore prezik - girlfriend panics. 
Survive. 


     Shorter, fared well. Sleep,
ate procedure. Slept, ate, and procedures.
Just lovely.


     Ancestors, come provedyvat often, products prezikov Bring 
more. 


     After a ninety minute pisaniyaodpischey paste poubylo. Had 
scribbling end. After thinking of the right appendages

Hemisphere, Peter thought - I'll go, send
letter. Smoke plan, Petya thought better: "do not care wrote? 
Ancestors, reading, Rake's Progress. Porwal letter, he went for 
a walk. 



     Funny happened, the truth obscene. I'm sorry Peter, ugh, 
Sasha. 


     Then, recently, digging in the old drive, I found an 
interesting programmulinu, writing Ray 'it back in the 95th 
year. It is designed to generate marasmus,

making some changes, I am very much
pinned a result of:


     To repair your computer, you must buy a drink and find the 
problem. 


     To read the press, need to buy
foolishness and invite your friends.


     To fly in the Chu Valley, you need to buy something edible 
and blow cannot.



     There is also the second part of the program. There was 
intense idiocy: 


     To fuck the head, need to buy
machine and have a TV.


     To fuck a condom, you
dress frame and smoke my head.


     To rashrenachit member, need a drink
vodka and fuck the girl.


     In fact, you yourself can navstavlyat his words, because 
it's written in BASIC and is located in the annex, of course, 
if enough disk space. 


     And finally, at the request of our readers, publish poems 
that are written its a girl - I do not mind, but a man

nice.


     (C) Oksana, is dedicated to Alexander

                 "Man"

Happened once to meet with the boy,
Met on the beach just so
Pro is not even read about in books
For him, this whole life is such a trifle.

He looked at me with clear eyes,
His gaze mislaid in my soul,
From my stories spread his arms,
Surprised, but now already used.

What should I do now I do not know
It hurts my heart to this boy.
I have it pretty clearly understand
That caught me he is in a "friendly" trap.

Pro is not even read about in books,
For him, this whole life is a trifle
But with so that's amorous boy
Met on the beach just so.


     Hear the Titanic and a farewell blast
howl Celine Dion ;-)


          Tkhe End this office desks