Insanity #04 18 декабря 1999

Самиздат

Fiction - double lamp performer desires.

   - -
| Double lamp Wishmaster |
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■ John Brunner
|


                  Report N'2

     Vsegalakticheskoy Consumers Association


  This is one of our reports on products, little
known to consumers and are not yet benefiting from
high demand, but rather
promising, because their development and
production provided a significant investment
capital.

  We have received many letters in which the authors have
ask what we think about the double lamp
automatic Wishmaster. Typically,
For example, the following letter: "I work too
much, and getting too little. Sometimes it starts
feel that I was left with only two exits.
Third, suicide, essentially ruled out:
I'm still back to life, because I am a
lack of funds did not make contributions
Insurance suicide. I'll have to either
to get a double to get himself
second job (and I can not even imagine,
How should I take the means necessary to
furnishing twin), or get bogged down in debt
more deeply, taking under ten percent, and buy
currently the Executive desires. They are not cheap,
thousand twenty-five or anything like that,
but, on the other hand, attracts an idea that we
wife will be able to produce themselves for everything that
we need. "

  We found seven models in the strict sense
the words "double lamp" (ie having
both the renderer and the moderator) and
"Automatic" (ie not requiring
preliminary introduction to them ready-made parts
products). Each of these models is a bit
more or less than twenty-five thousand galacto.

  In selling, there are cheaper models, without
Lamp-moderator. Machines of these models should not be
buy under any circumstances. What
Planet Eblis now separated wall strictest
quarantined from the rest of the galaxy and moans
under the yoke of the most ferocious dictatorship, which only
known history, due to direct
the fact that a Mrs. Phobia Lunch bought herself a
just such a machine. Her five year old son Elgin,
Come in a rage because of the fact that he was denied
ice cream with carbonated water, including machinery and
wished that she started doing the robot soldier
two meters tall, vooruzhennyk nuclear
weapons, and, taking with them the power to help
throughout the world, bet on it to siphon
carbonated water in a kilometer high.

  That model, with which we are acquainted, and
mottoes under which advertising is each of them:

  "Cornucopia: The Wealth of the horn blows at
your doorstep. "

  "Midas": "match for the gold bucket, then no
do nothing. "

  "Croesus:" All that money can not buy. "

  "Inexhaustible": "They wanted to - have received."

  "Multibillionaire:" On this you've dreamed of. "

  "The Wizard": "magic wands do not have to."

  "Home genie:" There is no god but Allah; all
profits, however, only get you. "


                External design


  Appearance of the above models
our commission is rated as "satisfactory",
with the following stipulations.

  "Cornucopia" was twice the most
largest of the remaining models. Its manufacturers
recommend that the first task, which
the buyer will give the car after its acquisition,
was added to house the extra room.

  Luggage for finished goods, part of the
a set of "Croesus" Midas ", limits the
produced items. All sizes exceeding
3x3x3 m comes from the compression chamber into an accordion.
In the end, we had to order
additionally one of the unusual
bulky cameras, paid separately.

  "Home Genie out all painted
quotations from the Koran and is equipped with clockwork 
mechanism, automatically switch off the machine at a time

When the owners should pray toward
Mecca. The presence of five periods a day,
fifteen minutes each, non-Muslims can
find fault.

  "Multi-billionaire" was smaller than the other
six models for all parameters, including
dimensions of visual helmet. Nalez helmet on his head
Only one member of our commission check -
eight years old boy, the incorporation of
for an unusually vivid imagination. To machine
This model could use the adult, we
had to replace the other hat - from "The Wizard"
machines, mostly similar in their design
with "multi-billionaire." Place where
is located the person using the machine,
Commission unanimously praised as "very
inconvenient. "sit on it for so long,
many require the production cycle, it was
possible only when we put on
He layer foam.

  "Inexhaustible" put before us at once
several problems. From the beginning we drew
attention to the texts that promote this car.
Here's an example: "The most luxurious, a little standing
zhelalny machines. You wanted, it did not matter
that, within reason! "

  Attractive gray box in the style, with
which we previously were not familiar. When to
"Inexhaustible" touched, he stooped and
began to rub on hand, highlighting both
sticky liquid with a smell reminiscent of the smell
banana oil. Special chamber for final
production was not generally produce
came right on top of the box, and in order
order to get there, we had nagging
machine a small ladder. Part Werner
control is at one end of a box of
on another, and this means that if
using the machine can not reach
simultaneously to two points, distant from one
the other at 3.2 m, and is not located
prudently on the walls of the room system
mirrors, which would allow to see at once the scale
on that and on the other end, he will have
worn continuously along the machine, although work
requires that he sat quietly. But even if
Had a person using the machine, and was
opportunity to use seat
"Inexhaustible," with its rigid bench
tilted forward at an angle of 35 ', it would be
difficult. In addition, the kit car is not
includes helmet vizualizatorny: falls
connected to the head twenty-one electrode
suckers, and attached to the machine instruction
recommends pre-shaved skull.


                  Management


  Person using the machine sits on the seat
(In the case of "inexhaustible" - fidgeting on an incline
bench, trying at any price to keep it)
wears on his head is connected to
visualizer helmet and sets the machine to manipulate
Vernier control, approximate value
necessary for the product array,
energy and focusing thought on
appearance and funktsioniravanii known him
the final product or the operation of the
something desirable, but not yet invented.
The product, after all, or appears in the chamber
finished goods, or (Sometimes it happens) does not
appears.

  "Midas", "Croesus" and "The Wizard" are also equipped with
One useful detail which of the other
models do not, namely, the call moderator
signaled if the production
ordered product is prohibited. When dealing
from Wishmaster, are slower
others, especially with multi-billionaire, is,
that you will sit with him an hour or longer,
before you realize that the car did not
appear.


              Quality products


  Theoretically, the Executive desires can
produce anything, except
that the prohibition of light-moderator. In practice,
the latter in his work does not exhibit large
sequence, and one way or another what you
get out of the car, to a large extent depends on
how well you know
focus. (It depends also on whether
how well vizualizatornaya lamp separates
conscious images of the unconscious).

  Anticipate all the desires of the execution of which
may appeal to car users, our
Commission was, of course, impossible.
Therefore, we restricted ourselves to three groups
tests.

  Firstly, it was necessary to check how
machine meets the everyday needs of its
owner. We gave our committee assignment
made on all seven models in turn: a)
lunch for two people, the taste test, b)
clothes for herself, starting with the hat and ending
footwear, and c) household items
preferably furniture.

  All seven models, it withstood the test of
following caveats.

  Food obtained at the initial inspection
"Horns of plenty", was for knives, forks and
teeth too hard, and a piece of furniture (desk)
made out of forged steel. To extract
it from the camera to the finished product, had
cause the crane. Investigation revealed
that the arrow on the dial points to the longevity
101%. At the next check "cornucopia"
edible food came out at the first attempt
but the furniture suitable for use only
twenty-fifth.

  Clothing, produced the "Midas" was also a
waterproof and warm, but soon after
As we sent the lady who experience
"Midas" walk in done on her wish
clothes, we were told that it arrested on the street
for appearing in adult form. When
investigation revealed that all female
Clothing made of this machine, it becomes
an hour after it put on quite
transparent. We have sent a complaint to manufacturers
"Midas" and received a reply, in which the firm
apologized and explained that
collector cars sent to a psychiatric
hospital for treatment for the syndrome
voyeuristic.

  All testers, evshie food prepared
"Home genie, were hospitalized with
acute poisoning.

  "Inexhaustible" only with great difficulty could
produce food without any admixture of bromine, or arsenic, and
not purple, but any other color
(Some purple meat and potatoes of the type
liked, but the taste of these products
turned out to be bad). Not immediately turned in
"Inexhaustible" clothes at least 4 inches thick, without
scales, made of fiberglass and sleeves shorter than 1 m
80 cm

  Secondly, it was necessary to find out how
advantageous to acquire items of long-term
use - with the help of the Executive desires or
more conventional manner. As typical
subjects of this kind have been selected receiver
three-dimensional television and air conditioning.

  In all cases it was cheaper (sometimes by
100%) to purchase such items in the ordinary
stores.

  And finally, it was necessary to establish
How safe are the model.
Obschegalakticheskogo safety standard until
not yet, but the moderator should prevent
the creation of "any whatsoever things, objects
or creatures, unpleasant, harmful or dangerous to
others. "assumed that the mounted
a moderator of the fuses should provide
effective enforcement of the ban.

  Clearly, however, that in practice the concept of
what can and what can not, turn out
rather vague. Even at the best of
these models, "Horn of plenty", all
testers were able to produce disease
bacteria (see inside front cover
"Obituary"). But our eight-member commission,
working on a "multi-billionaire, has managed to produce
spanking machine, from which his parents had already
half-dead, rescued only by a miracle. Made
Wishmaster suit of battle armor made
possible then the boy safely
escape, and soporific gas is not allowed any of
were in a huge building to rise on
legs to pursue him.

  Checking the "inexhaustible" was not communicated to
end. We decided to interrupt her when
found that although the device keeps out
images from the unconscious conscious, leaves
much to be desired in all tested our machines have
"Inexhaustible," it generally eliminates all
conscious images and free flowing
unconscious. Since testing halted
is hardly necessary to talk about
the events that led us to this conclusion.

  However, no matter what we thought our
committed against members of the Association
Consumers to determine confirmed or
refuted by the facts out of the ordinary
Quality, stated in the title
model - "inexhaustible" (reverse address
Editorial marked on the inner side
covers, in great unsolved was the result of
our persistence in resolving this particular
problem).

  We decided to give the job to start a car
production of something consumed any
families in large quantities and do not interrupt
work until she stops herself. First
the choice fell on handkerchiefs, but
vulnerability to the effects of this model
unconscious associations prompted her
manufacturing shawls have already been used after
which intervened Department of Community
Health of Greater New York.

  Then it was suggested that the subject,
most consumed in any family, are
money. Try to do just money, but not
something else, it was particularly appropriate
Another reason that the manufacturer obschegalakticheskih
banknotes by Wishmaster
equated the law of fraud per se. If
to prevent the commission of a moderator machine with its
through illegal actions, we had
would put members of our association in
aware of the fact that such purchase
is a violation of the law.

  It is regrettable, but we have
inform consumers that "inexhaustible" when
been subjected to such tests, he worked (and
continues to work) perfectly. Our calculations
show that the charge dvenadtsatikilogrammovy
technetium in the test car consumed
only when the pile of notes, burying
under a our former office building,
reaches a height of about 320 m (unless
podninetsya strong wind). Thus, the machine
is not an "inexhaustible" in the strict sense
words, but little consolation in that.
(By the way, ask anyone who sees Gone
wind bill, send them to the first day
next month at the office of our lawyer).


               We do not recommend!


  From our prosecutors sverhokruga
We learned: an investigation undertaken,
having to determine where our market
enter "inexhaustible." As we have already found out, they
come to us from your mobile space
plant hanging in the intergalactic
space, about a thousand parsecs from
our Galaxy toward the nebula
Andromeda. Measures taken by the authorities, based
on the assumption that in the case of this machine, we
dealing with a subversive action on the part of
dominant civilization Nebula M-31.
The model is consistent with the physical
characteristics of its creators: they should be
very comfortable to sit on an incline bench, eyes and
hands are in their upper and lower ends of the body,
and they are very tall, which allows them to
and operate the machine simultaneously from both ends and
to take its top end products.

  In any case, we repeat, DO
do not buy this car! Not to mention the fact that
it is capable of breaking the law (fake
banknotes), we believe that manage
can only andromedets. If someone, anyone
you will meet, says that does not undergo a
shupravlenii "Neistoschimyn" no difficulty
immediately report it to the nearest
Obschegalakticheskogo Bureau of Investigation. Throughout
likelihood, this andromedsky spy.


                           Translated from English

                                Rostislav Ryvkin