Energy #03 09 апреля 1997

Юмор

Tales from the Crypt-2 - LORD of CHAOS (parody, chapter 1-3)

             Tales from the Crypt



                               One stick

                               Two string

                               I am the master

                               the whole country.


                 From the Georgian dolklora.


                          (C) Sergey STORM


            Head first: Fees.


     Well-format me once more, Lady
Hamilton, softly moaning.

     -Enough - cut Betment buttoning
fly. Well-head has worn off.

     "Well darling, do not upryamsya - a woman smiled kindly 
peasant and pulled out ... miniature gun.


     -Wow! - Surprised guy .- As soon as
will he fit there?

     Woman sent to Betmenta gun and fired.

     -Heh, heh - man opened his left palm
and poured onto the bed yellowish patrony.Ty
what was thinking that I'll wonder potrekovaya
formatted. Betment predatory smile. Now get ready for cutie 
turboformatirovaniyu. In the hands of a peasant militia came 
with rubber truncheons. 

     No, not that, - Lady Hamilton
horror stared at the approaching man. I also assume that nobody 
else can not! 

     -Too late, baby, too late - a healthy carcass Betmenta 
leaned over the woman. 

     -Nettt ...,- it were the last words
said Lady Hamilton in this life, because
Betmenta one hand covered her mouth in order to
neighbors komunalke not heard her cries,
and the second with a stick jammed in it ...


     Thus ended his life an American
agentka CIA.

     An hour later, satisfied that
neutralized the dangerous bourgeois spy,
Betment out of his house and
Behind the wheel 'Goat' (Brand police
car) sped to the administration.


                  X X X


     -Eddie Murphy, respond. You're concerned
management.

     -Ou ... I'm here. Proizvozhu arrest particularly
Dangerous retsedevistov, Robozhop with obvious relish fired 
from his "Mauser." Because of the garbage can was answered throw

brick. Now with the obvious anger, brick sder him paint on the 
right cheek, Robozhop snapped a long queue. There was a jingle 
of broken glass and muffled cry two girls fall out of the 
window. "Third Floor" - thought Murphy. Apparently shot down by 
the sight. 

     Sergeant Robozhop that the devil you take it, you get up 
there? - Manager snorted angrily - The administration is 
urgently you in control.


     Well-fly - Robozhop spent
view flight girls at the same time
adjusting the sight.

     -Who is it you traveling? - Manager spit out words faster 
than a machine gun. Ducks chtoli. 

     -Do not ... That's not a duck, then the legs are flying.

     Shmyak. Girls gently landed right on the criminals. "On" - 
thought Murphy. The sight is not brought down.


     -What are the legs - it was evident that
Manager furious. Do you know where you're standing
go? Probably do not know. I'll explain.
Fuck you, to such a mother. After these
words dispatcher immediately became easier to
soul, because then he has continued for more than
calm tone. But first, you go down into the control, and only 
then go to where I'll sent.


     -There are sir. Catch criminals and
heading to fulfill your order:
go into management, and then ... Excuse me
did not understand. By whose mother go?

     -I'm not sir. It's there for you, in your selling America 
will call all cheeses. And we have here adopted the expression 
comrade. 

     Robozhop confident movements confiscated
Dead criminals weapons: four catapults, two otkryvachki bottle 
and went into administration. 


                  X X X


     The door creaked control has fallen off and tumbled into a 
small desk man with a disfigured face. Dirty sweater in red and 
yellow stripes hung to the floor, as well as two crooked hands 
as one of whom wore a leather glove with

four acute-sharpened knives.

     -Hi, - a man in the clown took off
his wide-brimmed hat and waved it
in the air.

     -Special Agent in cases involving minors - Freddy Krueger 
- Colonel Isaev presented logged all those gathered. The most 
efficient worker in his department. 

     Kruger demonstratively bowed.

     -And here it is - Isaev looked at his team and decided not 
to represent everyone in separately. This is our opera-group. It

The best collection of ... The colonel stood not
finishing what the phrase to the end. On the board with
photos razyskivaemmyh criminals
was scratched and curves underscores written: Isaiah - MASTDAY! 
And signed by an unsteady B. Mednonogov hand. "Spies" - thought

Colonel. "Scout" - corrected a spy.

     -Fyodor, who could do this? - Isaev
was angry. Angry at himself. How, he directly
under the nose, could write such.

     Kruger guiltily looked away.

     "Well, certainly not me.

     -Who then? "- A view of Colonel
rested against his broad chest Betmenta.

     -All the time I was on a mission, and there
Subscribe now someone made - Betment offended pozhevyval lip 
Lady Hamilton. 

     Isaev carefully examined the inscription and
next saw another one.

     -Freddy, here and there about you
slightly, Colonel smiled happily
read the inscription:


            Fyodor ATE BEAR!

                       Beard.


     -U ... bastards - said Kruger, and the
thought to myself: "spies."

     "Yes, I do not spy and scout, a spy was offended.

     All present went laughing when
colonel and a special agent Freddy Krueger became hard to erase 
from the board with obscene graffiti. 

     Fyodor diligently worked his sleeve
sweaters, not regretting it, because he
was dirty, and in some places burnt-
shoals. But the neat little jacket, Colonel,
cry out for compassion.


                  X X X


     -So, Colonel - sadly looked at
hole in the sleeve of his jacket. We have
the enemy and have the job. We are required to: Read the job 
and fuck the enemy. 

     Just like team opened the folder with
secret order.

     -Read carefully the contents and destroy after reading .- 
Isaev put your middle finger all on display and

beckoned them passing by sekretarshu.Marya Darmidontovna, 
please bring me a file on a certain B. Mednonogova and look at 
our documentation material lamer named "Beard".


     -Yes, Comrade Isaev.

     Meanwhile, camera-studied group of vengeance secret 
mission. Sitting in a soft, tattered chair Betment lightly 
picking his nose. His face was hard to understand, wondered 
whether his job. Folder with classified as 'Secret' was opened 
on the first page.


     Quest: Return coder Alexis Ivy (underground name ALEX 
PLUSOV or simply +) on spekrumovskuyu platform. After the 
assignment to destroy all the evidence and all witnesses. Venue 
operations mountains of Pennsylvania, Count Dracula's Castle. 

     Betment loudly slammed the folder and
spat loudly on the floor. Work
he did not relish. Return above zero at the Spectrum was 
absolutely hopeless - if Pisyuki recruiting anyone then do it 
professionally. 

     Another case was with Indiana Jones.
Inverted hard to reach
his consciousness. Holy Grail healed
all wounds, but did not provide the ability to read upside-down 
folders. 

     -I would say a few words to the person who wrote it - 
Indiana rashly threw folder on standing in the corner of Noah's 
ark. 

     Eureka - "he exclaimed. Now he
saw a folder in a different perspective.

     Quest: escape from the clutches of the enemies of a slave
Izauru and pass into the hands of the director's Belarusfilm to 
continue filming the series "Slave Izaura Position number two". 
Venue operations the city of Moscow Kremlin. Additional task: 
to send well-deserved rest Boris Nikolayevich

Yeltsin.

     -Nu, nu, - escaped Indiany.Otpravlyat well-deserved rest BN
Yeltsin before the signing of the treaty
alliance between the two powers of Russia and Belarus. Who
would then sign it is not the same Zhirinovsky. Jones grinned.

     -All rise - stout man
uniformed generalisimusa stood in
doorway.

     The first sprang to his feet, Colonel
Isayev. Then Betment and Robozhop. Others
remained seated on the ground - they did not know
logged.

     -All rise, I said - Man
loud snort, watering surrounding its
saliva. Build in shirengu, two by two,
odnaznachno.

     Now the rest of povskakivali,
shaking on the move with clothes drool.

     -Remember .. wow, that's it - burknul
Indiana becoming operational.

     -So, here I will say,
clearly, a man closely examined
shirengu. Colonel Isayev report the situation.

     The air was silence. Powys
little she fell to the standing people,
crushing them with his weight.

     "Comrade Zhirinovsky, the special detachment
purpose in gathering, Colonel Isayev loud
sighed, and added. Ready to begin
the assignment.

     Zhirinovsky has walked down the line and
laughed:

     Yes, bitty kontengentik
caught, do not say anything. Now
Listen to me carefully. We have to
difficult task. And if we fail it
do us awaits a disgrace and exile. You
probably already familiar with the job and
certainly understand its importance to
society. I warn everyone who
fail the task will cut off his ears, that's it.
In the hands of generalisimusa appeared
phone card for 30 minutes.

     For a variety of rolled disturbing whispers.

     -Now hear my plan
surgery. Now all of you
go to a psychologist to determine
mental block against torture - may
happen so that someone will get in
captured. Later on the street you will have to wait
truck. Immerse yourself in it and go
the airport. There you will have to wait for the plane and
your guide - Count Dracula. He can be
fully trust, because it burns
the desire to release your lock on
pisyukov invaders. By the way its underground
nickname "Ivan Susanin, so keep in
mind. Higher authorities described him
as the best conductor at the moment.
With it, you'll be boarding the plane and desantiruetes
over the mountains of Pennsylvania. 'll Continue to
act according to circumstances. Can take
Castle Sturm (not to be confused with the main
editor), or cunning, I'm not interested. The main thing that 
was returned Plyusov at the Spectrum, uniquely. And last - 
maintain complete secrecy. 

     -Excuse me, you can ask a question? "Said Indiana.

     Zhirinovsky nodded.

     -I have a task to write .. Indiana extended its folder 
generalisimusu. 

     So-so - fat finger
Zhirinovsky climbed on the text .- Everything
order, it is an old job. Yeltsin
shifted, slave Izauru rescued. Wait a minute.

     Generalisimus froze and out of the legs with
characteristic sound (prrrrr. ..) dumped
fragrant cloud.

     Down-gas attack - roared
Tarzan and rushed to the floor.

     -Oh, no - that I just dove
released - Zhirinovsky squeezed his nose with his fingers.

     -Yes, of course, comrade
generalisimus. We all understand. Just in
Tarzan's past, from just such pigeons
peredohli all his relatives - the wild
monkey - "Isayev said, but about yourself
added: 'well what are you, an old boar, not
let the whole flock, and then suffocated to
everything. "

     Crouching Tarzan lay on the dirty
the floor in complete solitude. A bit later to
it began to join his colleagues.
With bulging eyes and a skewed
persons they went at each other, forming
heap-mala. Shot in the secretary expanded
series lying. Later, doctors found
diagnosis: mass sobering up, or simply
gassing.

     On his feet stood a
Zhirinovsky. With puzzled smile, he
summoned by telephone and 911 service
03, the supporting arguments, assuming that our
ambulance arrives much later.
And so it happened. The Americans arrived
after eight and a half hours, and our
traveled through nine and a half weeks.


         Head Two: In durnitse.


     By some wild misunderstanding
the whole opera-placed team in psihoatricheskoy Hospital 
Navinki, putting the total ward.



     -Oh ... I badly - groan
Robozhop.

     -And if you only knew me as wrong, whined Terminator .- I 
even joints rusted.


     -Shut up would be so sick, snapped Freddy Krueger.

     -All, I am now sblevanu - Fantomas
covered hand mouth and ran out of the chamber.
Out in a corridor he came across two
patients on whom and spilled the contents of
his stomach.

     -O ... and here, and dinner was brought, said one of the 
patients. 

     "What we have today?" - Asked
another.

     -Now let's see - a finger patient
plunged into a yellowish muck on the collar
halata.-Mmmm ... yes the same hot dog and even with
ketchup, smacked his patient hard sucking his thumb.

     -What a delicious - added the second.

     -O ... No, again - the hand Fantomas
again covered her mouth.

     Yum yum - the language of the patient strongly
licking "food".

     "Where there tuals ...,- Fantomas pulled
along the corridor looking for the nearest toilet.

     -Where to supplement suffered? - Cried
Patients and pursued vdagonku.

     Fantomas rushed headlong to
corridor knocking down people and passed by
nurses.

     Behind him flew two of opolumevshih
famine patients screaming on the move: "The additive
chase. "

     "Finally" - thought Fantomas
zaskakivaya the nearest toilet.

     "He walked into the dining room - cried
patient to another.

     -Behind him, - has ordered second patient
and they together went to the toilet on the door
which had been daubed "Public
dining room. "

     General view of the "dining room" looks
resembled quite ordinary toilet with a
white toilet bowls. In one
disappear into a bottomless distance "supplement".

     Kudaaa ...,--dived after the patient
for the "additive" and all the water foaming isches,
leaving behind only a few
divergent water interests.

     Fantomas crouched against the wall and
sigh of relief. The second patient
losing interest in what happens approached
second toilet, and asked who was standing
beside him "cook":

     "Well, like fishing? Today something
spoymal?

     -No, do not bite anything at all. So
that have to do without lunch - "cook"
sadly pull up stakes and moved to another
"Hole."

     -Oh well, never mind - said
patient. Anyway, I already ate.

     Hearing this, Fantomas tried
keep stomach cramps. "We need to urgently
get out of here "- he thought and stood up.

     -Oh, my God, where am I? Pleaded Fantomas.

     On the opposite wall hung
Plate:


         Who delivers the product second,

            he eats well.


     And beneath it stuck skewed menu
from which Fantomas again pulled on
talk on "the big white phone."


  Continued in 'Tales from the ... 2 '.