ASK UNCLE FUDGEPACKER

                       ASK UNCLE FUDGEPACKER                    
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Personal letters cannot be entered into but we do wipe our arse 
on the best ones received. And some we send to the Police.      
                                                                
DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                               
I am unemployed, and have been for the last 9 years. Every two  
weeks I receive nearly `100 through the post in the form of a   
cheque which I then take to the Post Office, receiving cash from
the woman behind the counter. I then go to the supermarket and  
spend this money on bags of delicious food, endless cans of     
strong lager and 200 Bensons. Can any reader tell me who the    
cunt is? (It's me, me, all me.ED)                               
                                                                
Ron Jogging Bottoms, Manchester.                                
                                                               
THANK YOU RON FOR A GREAT LETTER. IT WAS REALLY GREAT. NO REALLY
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DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                               
I recently lost my wife after 47 years of marriage. We had our  
ups and downs like any couple and I do miss her very much. What 
I want to know is how long does it take for a body to turn to a 
skeleton and that? My wife was a very beautiful woman, even in  
her twilight years, and have thought about having her dug up and
put on the mantlepiece almost on a daily basis. Any information 
you could pass on would be greatfully noted, I am very lonely   
here in Toddington.                                             
                                                                
Christopher Crisps, Toddington.                                 
                                                               
THANKS CHRIS FOR A LETTER. IT WAS PRETTY GREAT. THESE DAYS LOTS 
OF ADDITIVES ARE PUT INTO OUR FOOD TO STOP THE STRAWBERRIES     
GOING OFF IN THE FRUIT AND VEG SHOPS AN' THAT. IT MEANS THAT    
PEOPLE LAST A LOT LONGER IN THE COFFIN WHEN THEY 'PASS OVER' AS 
IT WERE. I RECKON THE TITS WOULD STILL BE OK AFTER 30 WEEKS     
ALTHOUGH WATERY STUFF MIGHT COME OUT IF YOU SQUEEZED TOO HARD.  
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DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                                
Over a Tuesday Coffee morning last week, my sister Doreen posed 
the question "What happens to Students when they are not        
students anymore. All those long black coats and going to gigs  
by The Cure?" I must admit Fudge, I was baffled by this         
question. It's not as if you see endless ex-students lieing in  
the gutter or clogging up the drainage holes. Where do they go? 
                                                                
Peter Zip, Colchester.                                          
                                                               
LETTER GREAT YOU THANKS A PETE FOR. LIFE IS A FUNNY OLD THING AS
YOU PROBABLY KNOW BY NOW. IT'S A COMMON BELIEF THAT ONLY 2% OF  
STUDENTS EVER MAKE THE TRANSITION FROM TOSSER TO MEMBER OF THE  
HUMAN RACE. SOME 95% SIMPLY GO ONANOTHER COURSE AD INFINTUM. THE
REMAINING 3% KILL THEMSELVES AFTER LISTENING TO TOO MANY NIRVANA
CD'S. THEIR PARENTS ARE VERY DISCREET (AND RICH)                
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DEAR FUDGE,                                                     
                                                               
For many years, myself and common law wife have indulged in the 
sexual arts know as 'going downstairs to pay the taxman' and    
'ringing the bell at the trademans entrance'. Could you please  
tell me if any other couples pass their time away using similar 
tactics from the marital repose?                                
                                                                
Annette Curtain, London.                                        
                                                               
YOU SENT A FAX. LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT LICKING THE GRAVY FROM   
THE PLATE AND BURGLING DENNIS HURD IS STANDARD PRACTICE FOR GOD 
FEARING COUPLES SUCH AS YOURSELVES.                             
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DEAR UNCLE FUDGE,                                               
                                                               
Unlike most of your readers I am quite inexperienced with the   
opposite sex. I had been attracted to a lovely girl from my     
course at university for some time. I managed to pluck up the   
courage to ask her out and to my suprise she agreed to meet me  
for a drink in the student bar. How I enjoy drinking lager that 
is paid for by the working class through subsidies in tax. We   
got on great and ended up back at my 'digs', I must admit we had
both had 2 halves of snakebite so we were pretty pissed and     
crazy! We started kissing and stuff and after a while she took  
my hand and placed it on her toilet area. It was horrible; kind 
of hot and clammy and a sort of juice was flying out all over   
the place. Is there something terribly wrong with her? I didn't 
like to mention it at the time. And why did it smell of tuna?   
                                                                
THANKS. YOU DIDN'T LEAVE A NAME BUT IT WAS A GREAT LETTER. THE  
JUICE YOU MENTIONED IS CALLED FANNY BATTER AND IT IS MADE IN THE
FANNY. IT HAS THE CONSISTANCY OF BATTER. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG 
WITH THE GIRL AS ALL WOMEN SMELL DOWN THERE AND WE REALLY SHOULD
AVOID TOUCHING THERE AS YOU CAN GET AIDS AND CHICKEN POX.       
CONCENTRATE ON YOUR EDUCATION MY FRIEND, IT WILL BE THE ACE UP  
YOUR SLEEVE WHEN ALL THE FANNY BATTER FIENDS ARE IN HELL.       
(All sounds a bit fishy to me.ED)

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