ZX Review #11-12 26 ноября 1997

laugh for no reason ... - Proceedings of the humor magazine SpectrofUn.

      Laughter without reason ...



Music by MITCHELL


   From the Editor. Responding to
benevolent message of our
readers, today we will continue
publication of material from the comic magazine SpectrofUn.

   So ...


         From the world of bat


   So, it's time razgresti
our mail.

   ... Unfortunately, we have no
Mail is not (since this is the first
issue), so you have to somehow
get out.

   In the programmers' world is very
many for some reason came to be called
a DR'ami, translated,
apparently means doctors.
A vivid example - RST7 in "INSULT" 'e
calls himself "DR.CRUNCHER". We
applied just to one of
those doctors with a request to share the correspondence, which 
he did. So, the questions and answers questions from DR.THIS 
'as well. 


   1. "Dear Doctor, I'm 14
years, I am a schoolboy. Please help me! All my friends say 
that the computer must be by at least 128, but I -

by only 48. With parents, I
speak on this topic too shy
they are my strict. Is
this pathology? Tell me how to be a normal computer. "

   No pathology here.
In this case, the norm is
anything that gives you pleasure to communicate that you enjoy.

   Remember, much depends
from you. I know a lot of cases,
when a person with a computer on
48 vytvoryayu such that his neighbor (who, incidentally, was on
512) did not even dream of.

   Quite another matter if
adult, he no more
16 - urgently need to seek medical attention.


   2. "My name is Nastya, autumn
I will go to Grade 8. My problem
lies in the fact that I have
a very small amount of RAM. There
there any ways to increase it? The girls in the class must
me laugh ... "

   There is nothing funny about it.
Too many people are faced with
this problem. Fortunately,
Currently, there are many
ways to overcome it. Each has its advantages and
disadvantages. How to choose - you decide. Just do not forget
first consult with a specialist.


   3. "Writing to you Mike, a soldier
conscripts. Three years ago,
I started demomeykerstvom, and have been doing that yet
far. Tried several times to quit, but nothing happened. Perhaps 
I'm a weirdo and infirm. Soon to return to the citizen - and as 
I look into the eyes of his comrades? " 

   Calm down, no reason
no need to worry. This is completely normal, stage,
through which many more.
By some estimates, up to 85% of men did the same, or
is doing it so far.
Usually after some time it
passes.

   Of course, if you do this a few times during the day, 
bringing themselves into a frenzy - to intervene psychiatrist.



   4. "My husband and every Friday we do a backup of the entire
our information. I prefer
Floppy "Sigma", and her husband enjoy
"KMT-130 double density. Who
of us is right? "

   You're both right. Each of
You have your ideal, your habits. And that is another point of 
view has a right to exist. 

   My advice to one - were engaged in
this more often.


   5. "On the wedding night, we
My wife and I tried to install
3.5 floppy drive, but we do not
happened. Maybe we are something
sick? Tell me, where shall we go? "

   The main thing - do not worry. Not
came the first time - try again. Do not be afraid to 
experiment, and all of you must succeed. Light a candle turn 
the quiet calm music and - go ahead!


   Remember: more than 1 million people experiencing the same 
trouble as you. And how much does it yet to be? "



   6. "How many pages of RAM
my computer? "

   And what is your difference? If one - that you will not use 
it you? And if you are seven of them - yet

seven to add? In them the main thing -
them to be.


   7. "Just got a new
computer. How to determine, first, I had a user or
No?

   It does not matter. Most
important - to find mutual understanding.


   8. "How to embed
5.25 floppy disk? "

   Usually it takes the right hand
and inserted into the appropriate size hole to a depth of about 
eight fingers. However, if you're a southpaw, you can safely 
use the left hand - prohibitions here are misplaced.



   9. "My new computer has only one drive on the
5,25 ". At work I have left
many floppies to 3.5 ". Say
Will my drive to 5.25 "
over time to adapt to the 3,5 "floppy?"

   Alas, can not. This is one of
striking examples of incompatibility.


   10. "When I was in the first
class, I was approached by a high school student and offered to 
write to him program in BASIC. I began to refuse, but he made 
me. Since then, I write programs in BASIC only. Sometimes, when

parents are leaving, we're going to
a group of 6-8 guys and write
program in BASIC together.

   A year ago, I met with
girl, and she invited me to
write a program in assembler.
I did not work: I
vomited and then was sick for a long time
head.

   My name is Valery,
In September I turned 47
years. My life is broken. "

   I am writing in the first place
adults: Explain to your children, dangers await them in school, 
in the street, Away. Tell us what happened to them

Adults can do with my uncle
mental disorders. Just do not
to be too intimidated - children
very impressionable, they can arise from complexes that
will then interfere in their adult
life.


   11. "Write your student. Recently I had the drive. He
I really liked and I soon
it has put into the drive. At first all went well, but when I
launched a program, the disc took
behaving strangely, and invited to choose 'Retry? Abort? 
Ignore? ' I chose Abort ... Do I

Received?

   You did quite right. Just you're out of luck with the disc. 
There are some drives that You are not interested in your 
program, but only the process of rotation in the drive. Do not 
worry - sooner or later you will be another good drive.



   12. "I've heard that in the west
there are shops which sell inflatable screens and wooden
keyboard. "

   These stores also have us
and everywhere. But the best buy
yourself a good computer.


   13. "Is it true that alcohol
Programming hurts? "

   Absolutely. First, it reduces pleasure, especially in
women. Second, in our time
appears up to 75% (!) software-freaks. Even in
their external features easy
guess that the majority of
They were written under the influence
state. So that is engaged
programming more often, but always sober. "



   Thank DR.THIS 'y for the material provided. And we will 
continue. The other day we received Letter to the question - 
"Are there any special books of problems for schools depth 
study of computer science?. "We are pleased to announce that a 
book of problems there! And now we present some problems from 
it. 


   The text of a program assembler "Gens" assembles for
3 minutes, and a new assembler
"Alasm" the same text assembles in 8 seconds. How long will 
assemble the program, if the "Gens" and "Alasm" run together? 


   Vasya worked with the modem only
on even days of the month, and Nick -
15 consecutive days. Who will come before the phone bill?


   On your computer, ZX-Spectrum game 'Lode Runner' for 48 KB
and the IBM-PC is the same 'Lode
Runner ', only SOUND-effects, is 300 times greater.
How much will it take to ZXSpectrum WINDOWS-1995, WINWORD6 and
COREL DRAW without SOUND-effects?


   First a hacker breaks two programs a week, while the second 
attacker breaks the three programs a week.

For how much time they will break
"UFO-2, if we consider that in the middle of the week they have 
to go to the" ENLIGHT'97 ". 


   This, of course, not all, and the rest you can look at
the book itself. Incidentally, I have to
you have a contest. Who was the first to correctly answer the 
above tasks, he shall receive Free corrupt diskette

unclean programs, plus a broken computer into the bargain!


   Well, finally we want to offer you one very entertaining 
description. 


        Rules of the game

      "STAR HERITAGE


   Turn on your computer, run the TR-DOS, make sure that the 
drive does not respond, rugnite drive, turn off your computer, 
look for a screwdriver rugnite screwdriver rolled off somewhere,

stumble on peregryzshego cable cat let the cat cuff, make peace 
with the cat, run over a soldering iron, put back fallen on you 
box hammers and other tools to catch up with the cat and 
Collect from his soldering iron, turn on the soldering iron

into the outlet, to repair the cable, look at the soldering 
iron, make sure that he burned the carpet, turn off

soldering iron, soldering iron rugnite, open the window, calm 
the fire protection and the cat, turn the computer on, log in 
TR-DOS, make sure that the drive does not respond, get out of 
TR-DOS, shut down computer, pick the cat screwdriver, make 
peace with the cat, remove the casing from the computer, remove 
drive, beat him on the floor, wall and the computer, insert the 
drive into your computer, close the computer case, tie

strangulated finger rugnite body, step on the cat, rugnite
cat, make peace with the cat, turn the computer on, log in 
TRDOS, away the cat in another room, make sure that the drive 
work, type "RUN", press "ENTER", See the response "NO DISK", 
rugnite button "ENTER", press it again, catch the same 
inscription, with the press wait 1 minute, an hour later 
determine that the disk does not exist. Rugnite drive, click 
"ENTER", the cat, the drive and the computer, insert the disc, 
press "ENTER", make sure it is not

that the floppy diskette and rugnite
click "ENTER", Search through all
boxes of floppy disks in search
necessary, insert a floppy in the drive, click "RUN" + "ENTER",
ignore messages like "Disk
Error. Trk 0 Sec 9. Retry, Abort,
Ignore? ", Play until you get tired, be sure to have morning and
go to sleep, try to get out of bed in the cat, tie wounding his 
hand, wear gloves, pull the cat out of the bed, the sounds from 
the next room make sure the cat eats the drive cable, stand, 
ottaskayte its tail cat, send him for a walk and then go to

sleep, remove the leg spines rugnite cactus, make peace with
cat, cactus, drives, and computer, as well as
TR-DOS and pressing "ENTER", sleeping ...


           *



           EXPERTISE


   In today's examination of speech
go on the program genre ADVENTURE - ACTION, domestic made by 
programmers from the glorious city Zapupyrska (who does not 
know this city?? - None does not know !!!). Unfortunately, very

program, we were unable to include
in the application, as we have it
stole a skunk. Therefore, we
contact the author - Respond! The masses will appreciate your 
work appreciated!



          COMMANDO-2

Judge - John wrecker.


   The program is written quite nicely, one can see that people 
have tried. Alone are not happy - no INFINIT'a. Everything is, 
but there is no immortality. I appeal to home-Hacker: Where 
were you?? But I digress, talk about the game.



          MAIN MENU


   Is the same as in the other
games. It is better to tell you how to pass the game:


              GAME


   The protagonist - the drunken
Plumber Uncle Fyodor, who had served
sometime in building the army.

   So. One day Uncle Fed
come bad people, and require him to do some
Not a good thing.

   Uncle Fyodor, as usual, strongly
drunk, do not think, therefore sends bad people to
three cherished letters.

   Bad people, seeing that
this state from Uncle Fyodor nothing would be gained by leaving 
a note and taken a bottle port "Zemfira" that Uncle Fyodor 
zanykal in order to sober the morning. 

   Fedor morning, waking up and not
finding port, but finding the note, and looking svirepeet
Who would fill its head, but no
not found, goes in search of their "Zemfira".

   Along the way he steal a rusty
bike with its owner - a beauty Glashka.

   Together with Glashka they make a foray into the plumbing 
store, where our protagonist fills the pockets of his jacket 
sleeves, sleeves, nipples and locknuts and shoulders of his

pet - a brand new nickel polutorametrovy gas
key!

   Then, our heroes enter
in a carefully protected premises Gorvodocanal, where they find
top-secret map of underground
communications.

   Uncle Fedor goes to
classified database of bad people in sewer pipes.
Reaching the base, Fyodor covers hot water, and simultaneously
cold, why bad people,
accustomed to comfort and civilization are dying like flies; 
remaining Uncle Fyodor finishes its gas key and the lid of the 
sewer manhole, captured chance on the road. Particularly 
resistant trash thrown out of the pockets Fedina jacket. 

   There would also be happy
happy endu, but in the service of the Chief wicked man is a 
former colleague of Fedin construction battalion plumber Uncle 
Vanya scum has sold for a daily bottle of Agdam "for free.


   Uncle Vanya takes out a velvet box your premium burnished 
... Gas key is not smaller than that of Uncle Fyodor, and goes 
in search of Fedor. 

   Final match will take place
in the boiler room with boilers. Opponents are fighting not for 
life and death, using his famous gas keys, then the series - 
latches on the 50 and 40, the 89th bends pipe, cast iron 
radiators and radiators "comfort", flushing cisterns, and carob 
Allen wrench on the 24 and 36, taps and welding transformers. 
Sparks, hear a rumbling metal soldiers maimed, boiler equipment 
comes into disrepair ... 

   Finally, Uncle Fedor wins by the Czech
blue toilet and such a mother. Viola!

   Happy end: pleased Uncle Fyodor freshen the nip still my 
favorite, "Zemfira" in the embrace of beauty Glashka, 
morschaschey a lovely nose of aromas fume and faeces, which 
fragrant Fedor ... 

   Such is the game. I hope you
can not pass muster, especially if it INFINIT. Good luck!


            ADVERTISEMENT


   Non-profit advertising.

   As you understand, now go
self-promotion.

   1) If you liked this
number and you want it to be not
was the last one, then write to us!
Answer, if possible at all
letter. Especially will be grateful, if in addition to reviews 
you send any texts. Also write if you want to share

information with Odintsovo ZXklubom. Our address:


  143000 Moscow region, Odintsovo, Park Street,
Building 1, Apartment 73. O'F.


   2) If you want to join
cooperation with the best musicians and artists of our city,
then call us! We are always happy
your call! (Especially in Moscow and environs)
Our phone:

(095) 599-15-02 (ask Oleg)
(095) 596-27-38 (ask Sasha)


   By the way, we would be nice to
find a normal programmer ...


   Commercial advertising.

   Welcome to the shop on
couch! Today we put up two lots.


          LOT NUMBER 1

       WATCH COMMAND


   Watches have eight arrows.
Four of them show the time remaining - spare to
to confuse potential enemy. The arrows are covered with a 
special composition, whereby they glow in the dark, and serve 
to dazzle the enemy. Dose radiation is sufficient for radiation 
damage in a radius of 200 meters. For simplicity, the angle 
between hour and minute hands

is always direct.

   All gears are made hours of the most advanced transistors 
and circuits. In the manufacture of hours to use the best 
Western technology: explosion welding, riveting gas assembly 
sober. Gold-plated watch case galvanized tungsten. 

   Hours of commanding the factory with
half-turn, in the northern areas
country to them is attached a special pen for the plant in the 
cold. In case of ingestion hours of sand, they will begin work 
as sand. In a combat situation automatically clockwork ticking, 
and the clock starts ticking. At the critical moment the 
commander can throw them in the direction of the enemy. In this 
case, the internal speaker beeps commanding voice "Follow me!" 
In attack! ". In the dark hours in a whisper say, "Do not

Fear not, I'm with you. "

   Buy watch commander.
This will be the most pleasant hours in
your life!


          LOT NUMBER 2

  UNIVERSAL HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE


   Your bald head stands on end when
the form of electricity bills? You
tired of the hissing, like gorged itself
monitor, air purifier? Thought
to clean the dust collector is
Vision Augean stables?? We
help you!

   Household appliance "Wife" ensures cleanliness and order in 
your home! Fabulously cheap and virtually safe! Self-modifying 
plug-and-pray EEPROM BIOS provides (over time) 100% adaptability

our device to your character and your habits!

   Our product is so high-tech and II instrument is so perfect 
that we believe overkill to make the instruction manual! 

   A few tips to persons
first acquired our device.

   1) The most important thing. Remember
it is only a device! And you
nobody can force them to
enjoy!

   2) Do not be stingy, often change the outer casing unit.
Neat cover - a pledge uninterrupted operation of the device 
during entire life.


   Poor treatment of movement may also
adversely affect the efficiency of the device. We strongly 
recommend purchase hanging decorative items made of precious 
stones and metals. The quality of work is virtually no impact 
(unless you can improve itself perfect!), but pleasantly 
surprised by your friends. 

   3) Our device does not consume
elektroenegii! Absolutely! Digestalnaya system device is 
designed on the basis of past of chemistry and biotechnology, 
and is able to recycle virtually any biological product. But 
that is no reason to load into the device chip and the rest of 
repairing wallpaper. Costs for appliance repair or purchase of 
a new can be is very high ... Especially because

after a good dinner, something so
remain. Our unit of
Enough!

   4) To work effectively
accommodative-sensory
instrument must, so to speak,
"Fresh" experience. Do not be afraid to experiment! Discuss 
with him, often do observations (the first 1-2 years running), 
grumble at the poor quality of work. This is facilitated by the 
rapid analysis centers and self-criticism and, consequently, 
increases the efficiency of the device. 

   Connect the device to your home
Video information system. You
'll be amazed at how much the increase of the instrument!! We 
strongly recommend not to connect the device to PC. To our 
shame, we should note that the latest version of the device

susceptible to manic addiction to computer games such as Tetris 
and Lines at the expense of work. Our engineers are working 
this ... 

   A few words about routine maintenance. Our device offers 
exceptional reliability, but like any complex biomechanical 
system, requires some attention. Do not forget Periodically 
lubricate the unit. Lack of lubrication will lead to

a sharp increase in noise and vibration instrument. 
Introduction Lubrication once or twice a month over

enough for reliable operation of the device. But, as
known cereal butter will not spoil, and you can do
that even several times a day!
Our device is not hurt!

   ! The introduction of lubricant in place
marked on the diagram, may trigger the replication
system. And after 7-9 months you
get another version (and maybe more than one) is absolutly FREE!

   Do not be conservative! Change the device at least once 
every 5 years. We can always find chtoto brand new and 
attractive! All colors and sizes! For every taste and character!


   * Insist on a localized
version of the place of purchase.
Thank you for your attention!


            SYSTEM


   In Russia, a lot sinkleristov that a little bit
able to work with a soldering iron. Some of them have reached 
such heights that their names sound on

throughout the country (such as Sergei Zonov). Today, we take
interview one another nobody
not known, but the supply
hopes Rights - Vladislav Zhelezorukogo.

   - Vladislav! All long-brewing issue - how do you come down
to such a life?

   - Well, as usual? In
child I broke my favorite
recorder. I was already something
sense in radio parts and realized that without a pint does not 
understand. Unfortunately, when I was teetotal and do nothing

smog. But details of the tape
I collected my first calculator, which provided the impetus
to the creation of computers.

   - Then another question. Many
Did you come up with computers?

   - Just do not remember. The best known computers Tambov Wolf 
48 "and" Pithecanthropus 128 ".


   - And immediately the question. Each
computer suffers from the problem
incompatibility. How is this problem solved for you?

   - Just like the other -
computer is completely incompatible.

   - What users say?

   - They are accustomed to. In fact,
any person in any way connected with computers,
must act according to the following
scheme:


                          LOG IN

                           V

               YES NO NO This gizmo
Do not touch it <work? > You touch it? >


                                                 YES

                NO V

   Keep it  YES

                            V YES V

                      You - the most  YES V

                           >