Humor - Jokes.

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║ Jokes.            ║
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A little guy is walking through the forest, he sees (And) lying dead
and (V)inny walks nearby
P: Q, why And dead...
Q: Yes, I was poisoned by poisonous mushrooms
P: Why is his whole face covered in bruises and bruises?
V: Yes, I didn’t want to eat...

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The doorbell rings. The owner (X) opens - on the threshold the dog (c) is drunk
Naya.
 (X) Where have you been, shameless?!
 (C) Wags his tail
 (X) Where did you get so drunk, eyes wouldn’t look at you!
 (C) Wags his tail
 (X) You should at least bark for the sake of decency
 (C) Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai...

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Reporters approach Zhirinovsky:
  - Vladimir Volfovich, may I ask?
  - Yes, but what?
  - But you said that by the end of the 20th century
    will all Russians become free?
  - I spoke. And what?
  - Could you talk about this in more detail?
  -Are you Russian?
  - Well, actually, yes.
  - Free! 8E

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The Russian Grand Prix in auto racing is being held in the Form classla 1:

 ...Michael Schumacher drives at a speed of 300 km/h, reduces the turn-
company up to 240 km/h and successfully passes the turn...
 ...Damon Hill drives at 290 km/h, slows down on the turn
up to 220 km/h and successfully passes the turn...
 ...Sergey Kazankov drives at a speed of 200 km/h, at the bend there is an increase
speeds up to 350 km/h and shouting why the hell did you get up here?
opens up a new route...

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Max and I drank Fanta and stopped Zaporozhets;
We drank more and stopped the truck;
They drank more and stopped the six hundredth gelding;
In general, Max and I don’t care what to drink or who to stop, but
because we work in the traffic police

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Two people are sailing on the lake with a horse in a boat. They see black in the distance
point. They swim up and a man is standing in the lake up to his neck.
 - Man, get into the boat, let’s sail from here...
 - Fuck you...
 - Get in, don't be stupid...
 - Fuck you...
 - But why?
 - It’s not clear, I live here!

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 In a communal apartment, a neighbor opens the door to her neighbor. Neighbor
sitting naked and wearing a tie. She asks:
 - Soloman Abramovich, what kind of species?
 - Oh! Is anyone coming to see me?
 - If no one comes in, then why are you wearing a tie?
 - Well, what ifsomeone will come in.

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 - Dear Stirlitz, fasten your fly. Your red panties are strong
but they catch the eye.
 Well, how could Bormann know that it’s been like this for twenty years now?
This is how Stirlitz celebrated the First of May!

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 There is a literature lesson, teacher Dyadchenko Alevtina Vla-
Dimirovna reads: “On the hills of Georgia lies the darkness of the night.
Aparba is under me" And then he adds: Aparba is a river, otherwise
some will think...

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 A doctor discharges a patient from a psychiatric hospital and says
to him: “Go and don’t worry, you have completed the course of treatment and now you
you know that you are not a seed." The patient agrees with the doctor and
dit.  After a while he comes running shouting “Save me, for
I'm being chased by a chicken!!!" The doctor reassures him: “You know,
that you are not a seed." Patient: “I know, but the chicken doesn’t
knows."

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 Elephants and ants lived in the forest, but the border guards did not remove elephants from the forest
let them in, but the ants are welcome.... So, it comes to one thing
the Elephant ant and asks to spend it, well, it’s very necessary.
 - No problem..... Customs...An ant is walking, dragging on a string
elephant tied with buns.
 - So, This ant, what is this, on a string?
 - And this is my SANDWICH!

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 (Military instructor, shining with his "eruditeness") In the Chinese army
There are two types of warriors: soldiers and porters. The soldiers are fighting, and when
When crossing on foot, porters carry ammunition. So they're in
a day can cover 10OOkm in 10 hours!
 - (Voice from the desk) But that’s 100 km/hour! On foot?!
 - (Thinking a little) Well, 5OOkm!

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" Like the 'Rubik's Cube' in civilian life, it acquired an extraordinary
new popularity of 'Sharik-x^%$yarik', among officers - one-color, and among
ensigns - monolithic. "

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 After the first wedding night, the young husband says to his wife:
 - Listen, my mother is so upset - she shook the whole bed,
"where are the spots and where are the spots"
 Wife:
 - Didn’t I tell you that I suffer from leukemia?

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 Having approached the railway crossing and seeing the lowered barrier, the pilot
torturer Ivanov increased the gas and took the helm.

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 -Doctor, my nose can't breathe...
  - Breathe through your mouth...
  - Thank you, how much is it from me?
  - Two hundred rubles... next...

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 On the beach, a little girl asks her mother:
 - Mom, and mom, why do uncles wear panties differently, and who wears them differently?
more, who has less?
 - Whoever has more means is richer.
 - Mom, and mom, and that uncle over there who is looking at you, everything is more
getting rich and getting rich!

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 Rzhevsky (R) and Natasha (H) are dancing at the ball.
 (H): Lieutenant, guess the riddle: small, gray, half-length
gap sniff.
 (R): Fuck!
Natasha faints and is brought to her senses.
 (H): Why are you a lieutenant! It's a mouse!
 (R): Mouse, in pi@$%e-s - original...

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 Dark forest. Hunter [O] with dog [C] on the trail.
Suddenly the bushes move.
 [O] - Tuzik, take him!
 [C] - :- No, go yourself, I’d better bark from here...

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 There is something like a biology lesson going on. Teacher explains the topic
"Nerves and Man." Teacher: - A person has three stages of nervous
th excitement. Now I will show them to you.
 The teacher dials a random phone number and says: - Hello,
VasyaCan.
- Sorry, but you got to the wrong place.
 The teacher hangs up and says: “That was the first stage.” And
now I'll show you the second one...
 He calls again on the same phone and says:
- Hello, Vasya is welcome.
- Listen, they told YOU - Vasya is not here!
“Here,” said the teacher, hanging up the phone. “This was the second stage.”
 For the third time: - Hello, call Vasya.
- Fuck you.... =8-@
“Here is the third stage for you,” said the flushed teacher.
 Then Fedya stands up and says:
- Would you like me to show you the fourth stage?
 He dials a number and scratches his tongue approximately as follows:
- Hello, I'm Vasya, no one called me?

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A fat Boeing is flying over the ocean. Moves in the aisle between the chairs
Lami is a dazzling stewardess, carrying a gurney with food and drinks
kami, hands out lunches and smiles:
  - Please, sir!... Please, sir!...
  Addresses our compatriot who ruffled his feathers
in your seat:
  - Please, sir!
  - No money!  - he answers her and turns away from the temptation -
body bottles and snacks.
  She was surprised, but did not remove the smile from her face, and when she got there
to the instrument compartment, then, according to the instructions, I brought the first pilot,
that there is a strange passenger on board with an incomprehensible language and
unmotivated actions.  The pilot immediately contacted
International Center for Language Dialects, included in the search
everythingsearch programs on all computers, we searched for a long time, but still found
.  And then the flight attendant went again with her containers
between the rows and approached the eccentric:
  - Please, sir!
  - God! I told you clearly: no money!
  And then, smiling dazzlingly, she answered as she had been taught
pilot:
  - For free, sir! For free!....

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 (Z)aika comes to the store.
(Z): Y-g-give x-x-x-x-x-x....
(P)seller: Bread?
(Z): (shakes his head) x-x-x-x-x
(P): Xpehy?
(Z): (shakes his head) x-x-x-x-x
(P): Halva?
(Z): Ah, x-x-x-x%y with him, let's have some halva!

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 A major industrialist, a very rich man, dies. And, having collected
at the bedside of all relatives, he says to them:
 - My dear ones, in my entire life almost 30 percent of my capital
I spent my money on women, cards and wine. But the rest of the day -
I disposed of the gams very unwisely :(

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 A drug addict(n) is walking with a dog(s), and he comes to meet him
friend(d).
 (e) - Hello, I got a dog, what’s her name?
 (n) - Yes, I got it! The name is jamb.
 (e) - Does he know the commands?
 (n) - But of course! Damn, voice!
 (c) - Puff, puff, puff.

 -*-*-*- My son comes home.  He climbs into the refrigerator and takes it out
a large pot of soup and sticks his head in 8-[ ]
 At this moment the mother enters the kitchen Zh8-( )
 - What's wrong with you, son?
 - Who's stoned? Am I stoned?

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 We gathered at the common table KAP (1), KAP (2) and KAP (3).
 (3) - Guys, let's take a box of vodka and go fishing!
 (2) - No, last time they took the box and lost the spinning rods. I have
I have a counter offer - take two boxes of vodka!
 (1) - No, last time we took two boxes and lost the car -
beads!  I have a better offer - we take three boxes of vodka,
We don’t take spinning rods, we don’t get off the bus.

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Call: - Hello, is this a laundry room?
Answer: - Hu~chechnaya, Ministry of Culture...

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 Comes to (D)oktopy (M)zhik.
 (M) so, like a car accident, my penis was torn off - what
do?
 (D) Well, let's see. Yes, it’s still quite a decent length.
us - can perform all its functions, and, by the way, what is on it
Is there some kind of “la” tattooed?
 (M) Yes, this is all that remains of the inscription “Fiery greetings from my
ryaks of the Baltic fleet to the valiant defenders of the gloriouscity
Yes, the hero of Sevastopol."

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There are two options for restructuring.
 1. (realistic): Martians arrive and do everything to us
necessary.
 2. (fantastic): we do everything ourselves.

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Two pensioners go to a brothel.
One:
-What will we do if we are not accepted?
-I'm more worried about what we will do if we are accepted!

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A patient in a hospital turns to a nurse:
-What disgusting medicines, just poison!
-What medications?! It's lunch!

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Petka approaches Chapaev and says:
 -Vasily Ivanovich, haymaking will begin soon, shouldn’t you wave to us?
to another country where they don’t cut hay
 “Let’s go to Japan!” Chapaev suggests. Notified
embassy, arrive in Japan, they are met at the plane's ramp
delegation. Chapaev comes down first. The Japanese man extends his hand to him
and it appears:
 -Kosiko Seno.  Chapaev holds out his and says with dissatisfaction
rith:
 - Mow yourself!
The Japanese babbles in bewilderment:
 -And we were told that we were meeting the legendary Chapaev.

 -*-*-*-Message from newspapers: “Citizens well armed with fists attacked
on soldiers sitting peacefully in tanks. There are victims. Soldiers
suffered severe moral injuries. The demonstrators got off lightly
deaths."

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 The lecture began. One student was late. Lecturer:
 - Why are you late?
 - Sorry, professor, I took part in a rally competition.
 After a while, another student comes in. His professor
asks:
 -Are you from the rally too?
 The student was stunned:
 - No, I smoked...

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Zaporozhye Automobile Plant and Peugeot have created a joint venture
local business. Now they are releasing two new models "Zape-
Zhorets" and "Pezhorozhets".

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 Universal question on the safety exam:
“How many kilograms can a pregnant girl lift at full weight?”
pacte up to 16 years old, if she has a child under one year old at home, and she herself
works the night shift with voltage over 1000 volts without protection
new glasses?

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