Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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Hares are running through the forest and they see moose.
They surround the moose and ask:
 - Are there any cool ones?
 - No.
 - Then five from each and you’re free...
The next day the hares run and meet the same moose.
 - Are there any cool ones?
 - No
 - Five from each and you're free.
The moose got tired and went to the wolf.
 - Wolf, will you be cool with us?
 - No problem, guys, I will.
The next day, hares run through the forest and meet moose.
 - Are there any cool ones?
 - Eat!
The moose make way and the wolf comes out. The hares make way, it comes out
bear.
 - So, from the cool steward, five from everyone else!

 * * *

A man catches fish. He sees the float began to tremble. "It's too early to catch-
“Come on, let him swallow it,” the man thinks. The float has become even stronger
hesitate.  “It’s too early, he’ll probably swallow it,” the man thinks.
The float disappeared under the water, the fishing rod arched. The man excitedly hooked
shakes and pulls the fishing rod towards himself. A worm flies out of the water and screams:
 - Man, are you stunned? I almost got eaten by fish!!!

 * * *

The man has run out of worms. What to do? Founda sliver and write on it
sal: "Red worm." As soon as I cast my fishing rod, there was a bite.
The man strains, drags... He looks, and it’s a log. And on it above-
write: "Awesome bream."

 * * *

Chapai and Petka are drinking vodka. Suitable Furmanov:
 - Wow! Vodka! I'll be third!
 - No - fourth. We have already sent three

 * * *

Chapai and Petka are washing in the bathhouse.
 - Well, your feet are dirty, Vasily Ivanovich...
 - So I’ll be older than you!

 * * *

The wife says to her husband:
 - I’ll go wash the dishes, while you give your daughter a bath.
 - Fine.
After some time, my daughter’s wild screams are heard from the bathroom.
The wife drops everything, runs to the bathroom and sees this picture - the husband for
He rinses his daughter’s hair in the bathroom, and she screams heart-rendingly.
 - What are you doing, monster?! Why the hair?
 - Yes?! Try it yourself in such boiling water!

 * * *

 - Girl, are you going out?
 - Yes, I’m going out.
 - Do they come ahead of you?
 - Yes, they come out.
 -Have you asked them?
 - Yes, I asked.
 - Well, what did they tell you???

 * * *

 - Doctor, my head is spinning!- Yes, I can see it myself...

 * * *

Lenin was resurrected and immediately went to the pub to chat with the flyover
puatom. The workers stand drinking and don’t pay attention to the leader.
 - What, comrades, don’t you recognize me?
 - Vanka, look, a gold piece!!

 * * *

Petka and Vasily Ivanovich are sitting on a tree. Suddenly he approached the tree.
The elephant walks and begins to shake him.
 - Vasily Ivanovich, maybe he has a nest here?
 - You’re a fool Petka, they live in holes!

 * * *

A man is sitting in the reeds, catching fish. Predawn fog above
the lake is hazy. Suddenly, somewhere in the distance, a heart-rending scream:
 - Aaaaah...
He became wary, listened... and continued to fish. After some time
already closer:
 - Aaaaaaah...
He shivered, pulled the oar towards him, sat, looked around, about the hook -
was. A minute later, very close:
 - Aaaaaaaaa...
He jumped up, crossed himself, grabbed the oar, swung... Reeds
move apart, someone scary falls out, the muzzle is swollen -
shaya, covered in blood... The guy will smack him in the face with an oar!!!
Stranger (running into the reeds):
 - Aaaaaaaaaaaaa...

 * * *

During a football match, at the stadium, the wifeasks her husband:
 - Why are the neighbors scolding this viewer so much?
 - He threw the bottle at the judge.
 - Well, I didn’t hit it!
 - That's why they scold me.

 * * *

 - I tried everything, but I can’t wean myself from smoking, - he complains about-
   heavy smoker.
 “Try the sweets,” they advise him.
 - I tried, but they don’t burn.

 * * *

The bartender says to an acquaintance:
 - What grief! Yesterday one of our regular customers died. For-
   remarkable person.  Every day he drank at least 30
   glasses of beer and 2 liters of vodka.
 - And what did he die from?
 - I have no idea.

 * * *

The traveler is asked:
 - It was already impossible to free your friend from the hands of the cannibals?
 - Unfortunately no.  When we came to his aid, he was already
   removed from the menu.

 * * *

 - Waiter, what is that crawling on the salad?!
 - Vitamins, monsieur.

 * * *

At the Franco-Spanish border, a customs officer enters the carriage compartment:
 - Cognac? Tobacco? Drugs? - he asks.
 “A cup of coffee, please,” the passenger answers.

* * *

At an appointment with a psychiatrist, a young man nervously explains that he
Relatives forced me to see a doctor. And only because
he prefers cotton socks and doesn't like synthetic ones.
 - So what's the matter? I also prefer cotton socks.
 - Is it true?!  Which one do you prefer? With vegetable oil or
   mayonnaise?

 * * *

They bring a victim with burnt ears to the hospital and ask
ut:
 - What happened to you?
 - I was ironing my pants, and at that time the phone rang and I changed-
   confused the iron with the tube!
 - I see, what about the second ear?
 - So we should have called an ambulance!

 * * *

At the pharmacy.
The saleswoman shouts after the departing buyer:
 - Man! Man! You have been prescribed potassium chloride, and I have given you
   I let the naughty one go.
Man (confused):
 - And what should I do??...
 - Add 10 kopecks to the cash register!

 * * *

A man arrived from the resort, and in close company he begins to tell stories -
talk about the resort and show photos:
 - Here’s Lena, we took turns making love.
 - But Sveta, until the 15th she was with Vasya, and then she had a fight and
   went to Petya.
There's another guy herenotices his wife in the photo, who is also
went to the resort:
 - Well, what about this one?
 - But I can say about this one - I came with my husband, with my husband and
   left.

 * * *

Some kind of cultural symposium is going on in Paris. Standing at the door
doorman An old man approaches:
 - Hello, I would like to go there...
 - Your pass, please?
 - You know, I forgot it at the hotel. I'm Picasso...
 - How can you prove this? - Picasso draws with his finger on
   glass dove.
 - Please come in...
After a while another man comes up.
 - Hello, let me pass.
 - Your pass, please?
 - I forgot, but I am the Minister of Culture of the USSR...
 - How will you prove this? Here Picasso sketched a dove...
 -Who is Picasso?
 - Please come in...

 * * *

A business traveler wants to buy a bra for his wife as a gift. Seller ho-
to find out the size:
 - Well, at least in terms of shape, what it is: peach, apple, small
   melon?
 - Spaniel ears...

 * * *

On a railway strip near Paris, a couple makes love
yu. The express is approaching. The driver, seeing them, begins to cry heart-rendingly.
honk and then engage the emergency brake. Express os-
tantamountliterally a meter from the couple. The driver jumps out
and with strong abuse runs up to the couple. At this time the young
The catcher gets up, buttons his trousers and with a disarming smile
says:
 - Monsieur, one of us should have stopped. Sorry, I don't
could.

 * * *

The husband returns home, the wife does not know where to hide her lover.
At the last moment she gets the idea to put it in the kitchen in a vi-
de antique statue.
 “What is this?” asks the husband.
 - I saw it from the Petrovs and bought it too. It's in fashion now!
We went to bed, at night my husband got up, went into the kitchen, prepared tea,
sandwiches and handed them to the “statue”.
 - Do you want something?
 - Yeah...
 - Eat, I know, when the Petrovs were standing there, not a single bastard cared -
Xia...

 * * *

After examining the patient, the doctor takes his wife aside and says:
 - I don’t like your husband...
 - Me too, doctor... But he is a good family man

 * * *

 “This should be wonderful,” the girl noted, looking at
   big sister's new engagement ring.
 “As far as I know,” she answers dryly, “it’s perfectly independent.”
   depends on whether you are married or not.

 * * *

While the husband was not at home, her new lover came to his wife -
Carlson. Suddenly the doorbell rang.
 - What to do?
Here Carlson was found.
 - I have a propeller!
And out the window. My husband came in.
 -Who did you have?
 - There was no one.
 - I ask - who?!
 - There was no one!
 - Okay, whose pants with the propeller are these then?

 * * *

Two friends meet. One boasts:
 - I'm about to get married...
 - Congratulations... And on whom, if not a secret?
 - Yes, you know her. Tatiana from Melitopol.
 -Are you out of your mind? This is the last woman! All Melito is with her
   Paul got laid!  Stop even thinking about marriage!
Six months later they meet again.
 - How are you doing?
 - Yes, I got married.
 - Who is this on?
 - Yes, on Tatyana from Melitopol.
 - How could you!  I warned you! All Melito is with her
   Paul got laid!
 - Yes, I went to this Melitopol. So... small in general
   little town...

 * * *

A girl climbs into a crowded tram:
 - Skip, skip, skip the pregnant woman.
 - Excuse me, but where can you see that you are pregnant?
 - Well, straight away, whatever you want, it would be visible in half an hour.

 * * *

 - You don’t know what kind of monster this is?- This is my wife.
 - Oh, sorry, I did something stupid!
 - No, I did something stupid.

 * * *

A jealous wife inspects her husband's jacket every day and
Every hair she finds makes him jealous. Od-
Once she did not find a single hair and shouted:
 - This is what you have come to, you don’t even disdain bald women!

                             * * *

A husband returning home from hunting calls his wife from the station:
 - Mary, it's me. I'm going home.
 - How's the hunt, darling?
 - Everything is fine, we won’t buy meat for a month.
 - Did you kill a moose?
 - No, I drank my salary.

 * * *

 - Johnny, why are you wearing shoes three sizes smaller than
   necessary?
 - You see, my wife is ugly, sloppy, and also bad
   cooks, the son studies poorly, the mother-in-law grumbles incessantly.
   The only joy I have in life is when I take pictures in the evening
   boots.

 * * *

A woman addresses her smoking neighbor in the compartment:
 - My husband is 60 years old, but he has never held a pipe in his mouth!
 - And I’m 56 years old, but I’ve never held a pipe in any kind of...
   somewhere else.

 * * *

Husband:
 - Darling, do you want me to get you a star from the sky?
Wife:
 - No stars! Today you are sitting at home!

 * * *

Late at night, two tipsy friends burst into the house of one
of them.
 - This is my home. Here is the hall, here is the dining room, and this is the bedroom. Vi-
   do you see a bed? This is my bed. And the woman in the bed is
   my wife. And it’s me lying next to her.

 * * *

A man sits on a bench and laments:
 - Oh, damn, oh, devil, oh, damn!
A policeman sits down next to him:
 - What's the matter, citizen?
 - Yes, the bench is painted...
 - Oh, fuck...

 * * *

A man is sitting on a bench and repeating to himself:
 - Why did I call them? Why did I call them?..
A passerby asks:
 - What's wrong with you?
 “Yes,” the man answers, “they caught me, kicked me on the horns and already left.”
   and I saw a crowbar on the ground and said:
 - Hey, goats, where are you going?
 - What are they?
 - They returned, I took the crowbar, and it froze to the ground...
   Well, why did I call them?

 * * *

Two women are traveling on the train: one young, one old and three
men.  The train enters the tunnel, the sound of a kiss is heard, and
followed by the sound of a slap in the face.The young woman thinks:
 - Here they are kissing her, the old woman... No, they would have kissed me!
The old one thinks:
 - Look, the youth have gone. They kiss the first people they meet!
The first man thinks:
 - Let's go into the tunnel again - I'll kiss you again!
The second one thinks:
 - If he kisses you again, I’ll hit you again!
The third thinks:
 “If they hit me again, I’ll get off at the next stop!”

 * * *

Two roosters are sitting on a fence in the city: a city rooster and a village rooster.
They are bored. The village guy says:
 - Come on, shall we crow?
 - Let's go to the cookery and look at naked chickens.

 * * *

A granny is walking down the street, and a completely naked girl meets her.
Grandma was indignant:
 -Are you crazy, honey?
 - No, granny, I’m just wearing an erotic dress!
 - So you should iron it first...

 * * *

A man is picking mushrooms. An old woman with a gun is walking around nearby.
 - Do you want to rape me?
 - No, what are you talking about! God forbid!
 - But you have to!

 * * *

The husband comes home hungry.
 - Wife, let me eat!
 - What about the magic word?
 - Run... your mother!

 * * *A drunk man came home. He had three rubles left in his pocket.
la.  The next morning I wanted to have a hangover. He's in his pocket, but there's no money.
He takes the goose to the market. A drunk man arrives, and his wife asks:
 -Have you seen our goose?
 “Flew off to warmer climes,” the man replies, “and if you’re sha-
   If you pick your pockets, then the goat will go to the mountains.

 * * *

A student and a dean were sailing on the same ship. The ship crashed on a rock
ly, and the two of them were thrown onto the island among the cannibals. Lead them to
to the leader:
 - What to do with them?
 - Feed the student, give him something to drink and put him to bed, and with that I still
   Let's talk about my distribution!

 * * *

Three friends sat down to play preference. One fell to nothing, and two
others gave him a locomotive of seven bribes. We finished the game, went our separate ways,
The man didn’t sleep all night - he was worried, and the next morning he shot himself. Looks like
they dropped him, his friends returned from the cemetery, and one said
to another:
 - But if we had gone to the pike then, we would have given him eight -
li!
And the other one answers:
 - Yes, don’t worry, it didn’t work out that way.

 * * *

The executive committee received a complaint:
 - Opposite my window is the women's bathhouse. I can see everything and it’s distracting
    pisses me offand generally affects my moral character. Please
    provide me with a new apartment.
The commission has arrived. They look out the window.
 - So what? nothing is visible!
 - Climb onto the closet!
 “Well, climbed in,” says the representative, “it’s still not visible!”
 - Move to the left...
 - It’s still not visible!
 - Even further to the left!!!
Then the representative moves and falls off the edge of the cabinet.
 - You see! And I do this all day.

 * * *

8 o'clock in the morning. Call the city helpline.
 - Hello! Tell me when the wine department opens
grocery store N13?
The camerawoman flips through the directory with lightning speed:
 - At 14 o'clock.
 - Thank you...
10 o'clock in the morning. Call the city helpline:
 - Hello! P-please tell me what time it opens
   c-wine department in g- ... in g- ... in grocery store N13?
The directory scrolls through with lightning speed:
 - At 14 o'clock.
 - T-thank you.
12 noon. Call the city helpline.
 - A-hey, [tongue completely slurred] T-tell me when...
   Ick!!!   ...mmmagazine zine n-number....
The camerawoman can't stand it:
 - Sorry, citizen!   This is the third time I’m explaining to you -
   at 14 o'clock. And in general, when it opens, then come in!
 - Yes, m-I should go out...

 * * *

Two fairly tipsy men are communicating. One complains to the other
on what, whenhe drinks, his wife won’t let him home. Second:
 - And you do as I do. As soon as the door opens, I throw it at her -
   I put my jacket on my head. While she doesn't see the state I'm in,
   I manage to get through.
 - Not a bad idea, I'll try it.
Two more bottles later went home. The one who decided to pop
to try, comes to the door. I knocked. The door opened. Fast
takes off his jacket and throws it away. But it doesn't hit. Without thinking twice he takes it off
shirt and throws it at the door. Missed it again.
 - Crap!!!
There was nothing to do, he took off his pants and threw them at the door..... The door was closed.
Yes, the trolleybus left.