╔════════════════════════ ═══════════════════ ═══════════════════╗ ║ Agent 008 ║ ╙─────────────────────────────── ───────────────────────────────╜ Nik.Elin, Vl.Koshaev We decided to write de- tektiv. But we are satirists ki, and we did it a parody of a detective story or rather even satirical story. K R A K H A G E N T A 0 0 8 Second edition, revised and edited. Editor of the second edition Ilya Suslov. Prologue In the office of the chief of the Russian department of one of the foreign intelligence services There was an emergency meeting. At the head of the table, covered with green bough, nom, the boss himself was sitting, a stocky man in special dark glasses. al-shaped, covering three quarters of the face. The boss strictly observed the rules of secrecy and demanded the same from his employees nicknames None of his subordinates knew his real name. Alone they called him "Mr. Cox", others called him "Mr.Badley", the third - "Mr. Sidorov." He responded to any name. The chief carefully examined his four closest assistants, who were in the office, and was pleased with their appearance: ba- nal, unmemorable faces; empty, ordinary look, alone shabby woven suits. You see such people - and immediately you will. Even the boss himself often could not recognize them when he met them by chance. but on the street or with mutual friends. - Which of you, the best specialists in Russia, can answer, What does the Russian word "Belsk" mean? - asked the boss. The employees thought about it. The word was unfamiliar. - The man who whitewashes the walls? - suggested Mr. Flint, deputy chief - The squirrel's husband? - Wagner guessed. “No, this is a sports society,” Polonsky objected. - What do you say? - the chief turned to Gin Brandy, who was considered in the department an expert on the Russian soul. Brandy rubbed his temples. - I think that Belsk is some common juice- rotation, they are used by the Russians. Well, for example, it could mean "white vodka with a red head." “Hmm, yes,” the boss pursed his lips, “you are amazingly knowledgeable people.” Belsk is an industrial city there, behind the iron curtain. catfish And in this Belsk there is the so-called N7 plant, products which we are very interested in. There is now a group of prominent engineers there Ditch is working on a very important invention. According to our information, workis nearing its end. It is necessary to send our che- a trapper who would either get the drawings or kidnap the leader works In addition, the plant must be taken out of business for a long period of time. building. Considering the importance of the task, perhaps some of you, government will it take it? What do you say, Flint? “You know, chief,” the deputy threw up his hands, “I recently Appendicitis was excised. I just can't get this chief engineer. My stitches are coming apart... - And you, Polonsky? “I have sclerosis,” he objected hotly, “I don’t remember a single thing.” one turnout. “And my aunt died,” Wagner shook his head sadly. If you want, I can provide a certificate. Then there’s no point in going to work!” the boss got angry. “Take from- rumble! Well, Brandy, don’t you want to distinguish yourself? If successful As a result, you will receive a promotion and a check for one hundred thousand. “I’d love to,” said Brandy. “But you know my weakness. I could drink too much and screw up the whole operation. No, what we need here is a person who is strong in all respects. Like this example, like James Bond... “James Bond?” the chief asked thoughtfully. “Agent 008?” Well then Well... This is a person for whom nothing is impossible. “But he’s on vacation now,” Flint noted. “After that brilliant business in Latin America, when he organized eleven coups in seven countries, he was given three months of leave. “It’s okay, we’ll call you back,” the boss narrowed his eyes. “He,probably already exhausted I've used up all my vacation pay and I'm not averse to making good money again. And for this the operation he will receive is enough to last him a lifetime... “008 is a great candidate,” he enthusiastically supported Polonsky.- A man without nerves, as hardy as a loader, resourceful, like an entertainer. And the memory is excellent. “And excellent health,” added Flint. “Best perform- we can't find it. Iron character, steel will, golden teeth. You can hide microfilm in them. “Speaks eight languages, dumb as a fish,” added his voice to the general chorus Wagner. - I don’t remember a single case with which - he wouldn't have been able to handle it. Remember his penultimate operation? On yourself to carry across the border a two-pedestal desk, stuffed secret documents! Not everyone is capable of this. “It’s decided!” the boss slammed his fist on the table. “So that tomorrow 008 came to me for instructions. You are responsible for the equipment you, Flint. Equipment, weapons, equipment - everything must be on level of the latest technological advances. Try to slip him some junk from the warehouse - I'll take off my head! The boss looked at his watch. - Wow, we stayed too long! Please leave. See you tomorrow, gentlemen... CHAPTER 1 Agent 008 The ventilation in the carriage did not work. The window didn't open. More everyone suffered from thistall elegant citizen from the seventh coupe traveling to Belsk. Sticking out of his jacket pocket was a snow-white handkerchief, but the citizen stubbornly refused to use it. First he wiped his sweaty face with his hand, on which his tattoo was visible "Vasya." But the sweat was so acrid that the letter "B" soon dissolved las. The citizen looked in surprise at the remaining three letters and quietly swore not in our style: “After all, this scoundrel Flint slipped me stale mascara!" The passenger pulled on his gloves to preserve the remnants of the tattoo, and began wiping himself with his sleeve. By evening, the jacket had acquired such a look that the one who got hooked on the journey At some stop station an old lady asked: - Are you going for mushrooms, dear? al for earnings? “To earn money, grandma,” he answered in the purest Russian language. J. Bond affably showed his gold teeth in a smile. He doesn't only spoke without an accent, but depending on the circumstances He knew how to okat in Vologda and okat in Moscow. It became completely dark outside the window. Bond took the bed from the conductor, asked to wake him up when the train approached Belsk, and I instantly fell asleep without dreams. He woke up to someone shaking his shoulder. First he decided that they had come to pick him up. But the iron nerves will not tremble - whether. He carefully stuck his trained heel out from under the blanket and With a lightning fast, practiced blow, he knocked a glass of water out of the conductor's hands. hot tea.The boiling water burned his leg and brought him back to reality. tee. “I beg your pardon,” he smiled charmingly. “They tortured the curse— thy convulsions. “A seizure disorder, or what?” the conductor asked sympathetically. “Just from the hospital,” Bond confirmed. “I’ve been in treatment for three months.” everything, and all to no avail. “It happens,” the conductor consoled him. “Okay, get ready, this—” the hour is your stop... Agent 008 went down to the platform, entered the station building and, Sitting on a bench, he began to wait for the morning. So as not to waste time in vain, James Bond began to study the table hanging above him ticket prices. The table listed many two-digit sums, and just below the ad written in ink seemed to let us down the result of this digital statement: “Nothing costs us so little- oh, like politeness... Prudent Bond learned the table together just in case with an announcement and, feeling hungry, bought a high-calorie bottle from the buffet lock. The golden teeth creaked when they met the face of the confectionery products of a worthy opponent. Foreign gold is slightly bent elk, but passed the test. The barmaid looked at James with respect and offered him a shortbread. Bond tensed up internally and... not wanting to put the precious metal at risk again, powerful I crushed the cake with my gums. The disgraced barmaid disappeared into the utility room, and felt agent 008 gave up a powerful surge of self-confidence things inluggage storage room and walked out with a small suitcase in his hands to the station square. Looking around, he saw on the opposite on the wrong side of the square, the "Juice and Water" kiosk and imperceptibly smiled at sleeve Everything went according to plan, carefully thought out by the boss and his powerhouses. Here at the kiosk, exactly at nine o’clock twenty-three James Bond will be waiting for the messenger. Agent 008 must go to the kiosk, drink three glasses of water, cough twice and wipe yourself with a snow-white handkerchief. This will serve as a conditional signal for the messenger, who will approach Bond and ask: - Do you know where you can buy mango juice? The answer to the password is: - No, I don’t know, but I can give you my turn at Polish cuisine. Agent 008 repeated these words to himself once again and looked at watch. There were five minutes left before the meeting. He removed a speck of dust from the crushed of that jacket and leisurely walked towards the kiosk. His heart is bi- the moose was calm, the pulse of the wonderful filling was beating evenly sixty beats per minute, all other organs also worked like nothing happened. It was a seasoned wolf, an inveterate spy and a hardened saboteur. He was never tormented by doubts and always was confident of success. He knew no failures. James Bond is outwardly pleasant, but in fact cynical and self-righteous with a confident gait he approached the kiosk, lightly stroked it with his tongue ruffled gums after the cake and raisedeyes. To closed A piece of paper with a sweeping overhang was attached to the kiosk window at an angle. in writing: “I went to the base.” Bond turned the two-kopeck piece in his hands in confusion, unexpectedly scratched his back on the corner of the kiosk and went to the dangerous turnout. CHAPTER 2 No appearance found Tall elegant man in a jacket with rolled up sleeves got off the tram on quiet Cooperative Street and stopped in a understanding. Anyone who has been to Mars can easily imagine the landscape revealed to the man's gaze. Mountains of earth stood up all around and construction waste, separated from each other by deep ditches mi; here and there, as if cooled meteorites were lying inside out there are cobblestones from the pavement, and scattered pipes in disarray resemble trunks of giant prehistoric trees were found. A man with his sleeves rolled up, easy as a real man the athlete jumped two ditches in one fell swoop and landed in a third. Luck did not change for James Bond here either. In the ditch, by the owner where he found himself, two boys were squatting and, hiding hiding away from the entire street, they smoked. “How are you, guys?” the spy winked conspiratorially and said give them a pack of Belomor. - Help yourself... By the way, you don’t know where house number thirty-four? “Ho,” said the older boy, taking a cigarette, “there are two more of him.”broke a month ago. - How did you break it? When? - And exactly after the gas was turned on. In April, or not in May. - Where did the tenants move? I am their nephew, I came to visit hal... - Wait, uncle, now I’ll run home and find out. They, when they When we moved in, we left our address to all our neighbors. In case, they say, if anyone asks. Five minutes later, the boy handed the saboteur a piece of paper. - Here... Perevypolnecheniya Street, building 14, building 8, apt. 272. Go to 7 cars, and then on foot... Bond thanked him, left the guys a pack of cigarettes and got out of ditches, simultaneously tearing his pants on a rusty wire. Half an hour later he was already getting off the bus on Perevypolne Street. nia. Five-story buildings rose around, each of them similar to the one next to it, like one gold tooth in Bond's mouth to another. The spy felt slightly dizzy. The number 10 was written large on the wall of the nearest house. “Yeah,” the spy said to himself in a foreign language, “it’s somewhere nearby.” Now it will be 12, and then 1$. My walked to the next building and stopped. There hung here but- measures 22. James Bond sniffled and moved on. The neighboring house was listed as number 7. For the first time in twenty years, Agent 008 started to get nervous. Woman with a shopping bag to which he turned, made a vague gesture with her hand. - House 14 is somewhere there, in the depths of the block... The saboteur turned off the street anddelved into the labyrinth of buildings nearby netsov. Numbers flashed before his eyes like milestones: 19...43...4 A...28... At spy school he was taught to solve any code, find- give the key to any digital combination. But with such a cunning James Bond has never met a mystery before. Having gone through everything in memory digital cipher systems known to him and without achieving a result, agent 008 chose a more secluded corner, quietly looked around the hundred Ronam and took out an old, yellowed cucumber from the suitcase. Spy bit into it and pulled out the city plan hidden there from the middle. This hiding place was the boss's personal invention. In case of danger The cucumber was to be eaten along with the plan. Bond studied the minutes plan ten, then clicked it back. On the plan of Pereva street there was no filling at all. This place was marked as a vacant lot. Bezre- As a result, wandering around the courtyards for another two hours, always self-possessed and calm James Bond went crazy. Out of nervousness, he began to confuse Russian words and, stutteringly, turned to some grandfather with a garbage bucket in hand: - Mom, where is house 14? The old man looked at his strange interlocutor in surprise. In front of him stood an intelligent man in torn trousers and a snow-white handkerchief in your pocket. “Damn grandmother is your mother,” said the grandfather offended. “In a hat, but you're a bully. The spy pulled himself together with the last of his strength. - Forgive me generously! My vision is poor, but my glasses are at homeforgot. When- I was traveling, you know, to visit, but I couldn’t find the house... Help me out - you, I see, are local... “What’s the use!” the old man waved his hand. “It’s been two days since I moved.” hal. I only know the way to the trash can, but to the tram stop new Wait, wait, what kind of house are you talking about? 14?..Like me I saw one like this somewhere... That's it, go straight, you'll pass a construction site, turn back to the right and diagonally... “Diagonally,” agent 008 repeated. “Eh,” the grandfather shook his head, “you won’t find it yourself!” It's like that here everything is confused, such a vinaigrette!.. Okay,” he waved his hand. “Let’s go.” - I’ll see you off... They passed the construction site, turned right, then left and came out to house N41. “Look at the parsley!” the grandfather said discouraged. “Come on, Let's go a little further... They walked further and came across house N2. “Sorry, comrade,” said the grandfather. “I have cabbage soup on the stove.” to me I need to go home. They turned back, but soon stopped. The road is blocked gave a board fence. “Where is the fence here?” the grandfather asked in bewilderment. “When we walked there, he wasn't there. “I don’t know, dad,” the spy snapped. “I’m not from here.” They crawled through the hole, passed two more houses and came out to transformer booth. “Sabbath, we got lost,” the old man sighed, turned the bucket over and sat down. - And all because of you. Various people walk around here, asking... How Will I find my home now?! He rested his cheek on his hand and, suddenly changing his tone, ingratiatinglyasked: - Don’t leave me... We’ll get out together. You are now responsible for me... It was getting dark. They circled around the courtyards for another forty minutes, torturing trying to ask passers-by for directions, but in vain. Everyone knew only their own house and was afraid to move further than thirty steps from it. On- the end of the tired and hungry comrades in misfortune came out again to booth and leaned exhausted against its wall. “Sit down,” the grandfather generously allowed and, moving over, yielded. Bond the edge of the trash can. - What is there to consider, now we have everything is common... The old man took a piece of lard from his pocket, wiped it on his trousers and, taking a bite half, handed the rest to the spy. The usually squeamish Bond with his fingernail cleaned the stuck crumbs from the lard and greedily pounced on his tion. Having destroyed it, he got up from the bucket and walked around the corner so as not to share my own supplies with my grandfather, took it out of my pocket spy cucumber and gobbled it up along with the city plan. When he returned to his hapless guide, he sat on an overturned bucket and moved his nose like a sniffer dog from side to side. “It smells like burnt cabbage soup,” said the grandfather, “those are mine... Well, go ahead.” follow me. He walked forward, holding his nose high and sniffing, and Bond with a dented bucket settled in his wake. They came out to a familiar fence with a hole, climbed through it, went around the construction site... “Shout “hurray”!” the grandfather exclaimed joyfully and with a flourishslammed James on the shoulder. - This is my home! Now I won't let you go anywhere. You will stay overnight with me. You're not out of here today anyway get out... The exhausted agent 008 did not resist. “Now you and I seem to have become related,” he said excitedly. the old man said, busy in the kitchen. “What’s your name?” “Vasily Petrovich Shchukin,” the agent introduced himself by rote. “Ro- was born in 1929 in a working-class family. Secondary education. Ho- lost... “I’m getting married,” the owner interrupted him, “don’t worry about that.” U I have a whole bunch of nieces... The grandfather placed a frying pan with steaming scrambled eggs in front of the guest and, looking affably into his mouth, he continued: - My name is Uncle Misha. Yes, eat, eat, don’t be shy. How They say food is not a problem, it would be better. Having eaten, the newly-minted Shchukin cheered up. “What if I recruit this old man?” thought the ungrateful spy.- The apartment is not bad: balcony, sunny side. I'll settle in here, then you can exchange for a two-room apartment." Bond-Schukin liked this idea and, when they went to bed, he decided to call his grandfather for a frank conversation. “Uncle Misha, where do you work?” he began slyly from afar, as taught him at spy school. “Me?” the owner responded from the folding bed. “Oh, brother, I’m working.” The bot is such that not everyone can access it. Because it's a responsibility very big. A little something goes wrong - and there is no person... The saboteur lost his breath, and sodon't show your joy, he covered his head with a blanket. After some time, having calmed down Shaking, Shchukin stuck his head out again. - Tell me, Uncle Misha, I’m listening. So who do you say you are? are you nerdy? “Chef in dining room number 3,” the owner said proudly. Do you know what kind of work this is? You can’t put just anyone here! U how are we? You almost pleased the client - he will no longer be with you - det. You'll lose a client! And he will go, for example, to the Arkti- ka". And there’s an atmosphere there: everything is like at the North Pole. Cold dog- Whoa, the waitresses wear high boots. And they feed only canned food. Yes Can I give the eater the opportunity to switch sides? Not at all life! I know that many people underestimate our profession. But only without she's going nowhere! Food, brother, is a great thing! Shchukin nodded and wanted to shift the conversation to various spy topics, but Uncle Misha did not let him insert words. - No, don't argue. Everything depends on food. Take some fairy tales children's. What is everything built on? Somebody eat somebody wants. Wolf - Little Red Riding Hood, fox - rooster, grandfather and woman - porridge with milk. And for a turnip or a kolobok there’s just a fight, a queue lining up... “Yes, I also have a good profession,” taking advantage of the pause, went out as an open spy. - And the money is not bad, and... “Money doesn’t buy happiness,” the old man interrupted. “The main thing is that people your work was respected. For example, you are going to the theater. SoEven if you wear felt boots, they will still let you in. And to the restaurant - no-- neither! The restaurant requires respect... Shchukin tried several more times to take the floor, but finally despaired. I woke up, turned to the wall and started snoring. “Are you sleeping?” Uncle Misha asked offendedly. “Wait, I’ll I haven't told you yet how pork chops are made... At half past two in the morning the saboteur prayed: - Okay, Uncle Misha, let's go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning. “What a sleepyhead you are,” the owner became angry. “If you get some more sleep, you’ll have time.” Maybe tomorrow is Sunday. You better listen, like with a mealworm fight... Shchukin hid his head under the pillow, but this sound insulation had was rather weak. “Should I kill him, or what?!” the spy thought, almost crying. I’ll sneak up, scratch with a poisoned nail - and that’s the end!.. No, “It’s impossible,” agent 008’s heightened memory told him. “The old man says— I realized that he has many nieces. That means they'll grab it quickly. Let's start search, they will follow the trail. And here somewhere there is a safe house not far away - co..." At four o'clock in the morning, James Bond couldn't stand it. Rubbing the reds from the forced insomnia of his eyes, he got up, got dressed and went to the door ri. “Where are you going?” the owner asked, interrupting the story about the grade of beef. Dina. “Out of necessity,” muttered the guest, slipped out of the apartment and rushed run.
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