- Van, you should at least buy me some flowers...
- Why, Man - you seem to be still alive?
- Why did you decide to wash your socks?
- Yes, they interfere with sleep: they glow at night
steel.
- I just can’t make a will...
- What’s the problem?
- I don’t know how to spell “fuck you” correctly.
- together or separately...
Latest news: above the city treasure-
A two-seater plane crashed. Spa
Satellites have already recovered 614 bodies of victims.
shi...
Once upon a time our grandmother lived at our dacha.
ka. Despite her 80 years, she is very cheerful
old lady, always trying to do something
some things to do. And we always have to
somehow protect her from work, because
all you have to do is turn away and she’ll do something
washes or cleans. One day we went out
pick mushrooms. We collected a large basket,
carried home. The strength to drive grandma away from the gr-
there were no brothers, so we went to rest, and
Grandmother began to peel mushrooms. Through some
for a second time, having regained the ability to walk
kid, we went to grandma and nouhtepeco-
Wondering how many wormy mushrooms there are?
She answered, cutting into another mushroom:
- Yes withoutThe glasses are all clean.
It was within the walls of the monastery of knowledge, where
we together gain knowledge... 4 pairs are coming,
i.e. approximately 2-3 pm. All students
(who haven't yet gone out to drink beer) walk
like lost... the heat is terrible, and ytom-
study... In general... should be
we have a lecture on the 7th floor... on foot, of course,
no one wants to go... everyone has had a beer
decide to take the elevator... let's get to it
miracle of technology, which with a wild roar
closes its doors... And... then we hear the
the sickening screams of a cleaning lady like "Falcons"
ki-students, dear, wait..." We
we decide that grandma needs it urgently
go up somewhere or something
this kind of thing. Well, we are good people and decide everything like that
show the loyalty of the younger generation to
We're waiting for the eldest... Grandma, gaining momentum
rushes towards us... Runs up to the shield
elevator... opens it... TURN OFF!!!!
and says in an arrogant voice:
- So the young people went - they can’t walk
go up... Well, there's no point in taking the elevator...
hang around...
We still saw the light for another five minutes......
This happened to my friends somewhere in
1999-20OOrr. Ta company in which they pa-
chatted, already mastered the Internet with might and main
searching for any (small and scarce)
noah then) information. Connectionto
the provider was not so fast, so
each query in the search engine is accompanied by
was filled with agonizing anticipation. It was day.
Tense. The director of that company asked
friend, search online for something he is interested in
(directors) information. The information was
important to the director and he decided to compose
panic. Four eyes look at the monitor.
The faces are concentrated. The fingers of one of them
typing keywords on the keyboard
"Moscow Fan Plant". Huddles
Enter. Expected... ...it's now, see
Well, Yandex has screwed up its search engine
system, taking into account such “casual”
vetov, and then - the VERY FIRST result
search was a fragment highlighted by another
color, bold font: If (ahem) your
my friend won't put it in her mouth in the morning, please...
go to the Moscow fan plant...
When reading the first two lines - no-
question: “What kind of search engine is this???
It gives out all sorts of crap," but when we got to
the finale of this quatrain... in general,
the mood is still lifted :)
(or maybe this is some kind of advertising?)
War. Military translator conducts interrogation
prisoner of war.
- Yot from er name?
- My name is John Smith.
... Smack the prisoner in the face...
- Yot from er name?- [surprised] My name is John Smith!
... CRACK! a prisoner in the face...
- Yot from er name?!
- [almost crying]: My name is John
Smith!!!
... CRACK!!! a prisoner in the face...
- I, ccyka, am asking how much you have
tanks!!!...
An idyllic picture. Sunset. Warm la-
ckoboe sea. From the sun the gold runs across the water
lota path. White soft sand. On the go
in the horizon one can see slender palm trees and
large houses in the kypopthoro town. By
a tanned man walks to the beach, enjoying himself
I eat while breathing in the clean sea air. Suddenly he
sees a large shell, picks it up and
brings it to his ear. Puzzledly takes her away from
ear, looks at her and asks, stunned,
et:
- What do you mean, “Go to hell!”???
You spend too much time in
chats if:
1. You have a lover, but have you seen
at best she is only in photographs
or on a web camera.
2. You see a beautiful girl on the street and
you want to have cyber-sex with her.
3. In a conversation, in a friendly company,
hearing or saying something funny,
would you like to addto this "lol".
4. Trying to pick up a girl in real life
no, you ask her what she looks like
or does she have a photo that she
may be sent to you.
5. Out of every ten girls with whom
you were sleeping, nine you met on the Internet.
6. When meeting a girl in real life,
you immediately ask her about twenty questions
owls, without always waiting for an answer, speak
a whole bunch of compliments for her, fearing how
she wouldn't talk to anyone else.
7. The girl from #6 after all that has been said
looks at you with caution and thinks,
that you are a maniac or a spy, or both
together.
8. You like to ask girls you don’t know
Kam and women are very personal questions. On-
example "are you shaved?", "do you swallow?"
or "do you like anal sex?"
9. Having cut your hair and shaved, you are in a hurry
check how good it looks
on a web camera.
10. You receive your photos from the pro-
turnout and hurry up the best of them otckahupo-
vat.
11. Do you want to pour out your soul or cry?
to wear a vest to unfamiliar people.
12. Your friends began to notice that you
became very frank, vulgar, perverted
cem.
13. It is impossible to reach you by telephone
home phone.14. Pick up girls on the street or in a cafe
seems strange and useless to you (a
suddenly they have a husband or friend and you otka-
it’s too bad, and you will be very upset that you can’t
say the usual “then go fuck yourself,
whore").
15. You are surprised if in real life
girls answer the question “do you want to fuck?”
They give you a punch in the face.
If you recognize your behavior as
at least 10 of the 15 above
factors, then it’s time for you to code
to get away from the Internet.
There is a cholera epidemic in the Caucasus. One seat -
a resident sees some stranger
approached the source of mineral waters with
mug with the obvious intention of getting drunk. Kav-
The Cossack shouts to him in his own language:
- Don’t drink from there - there’s cholera here, it’s contagious -
you're angry!
The stranger turns around and in Russian
asks again:
-What are you saying?
The Caucasian answers, also in Russian:
- I say, dear - drink slowly: water
It's very cold, you'll get a cold in your throat...
In the bar he asks her:
- Will you allow me to invite you over-give it at my house?
She answers:
- Maybe we're here first at least something-
Shall we eat sometime?!
The little camel asks the ver-
father dishes:
- Dad, dad, why do we have such wide
what hooves?
- Well, we live in the desert, we walk
by neckam, so don’t let your feet get in the sand
fell through at the ends specifically have-
my wide hooves...
- A-ah, well, yes... Why then such a big-
flock of wool?
- Well, it can be hot in the desert during the day,
wool does not allow the sun's rays to reach the body
no, the body is cool, on the contrary, it’s cold at night -
but then it warms us...
- Ahh, I see... Why do we have a lower one?
Is your lip so protruding?
- Well, this is specifically so that camel skins-
there are hatches. You lift it with your lip and into your mouth...
- Dad, why do we have humps on our backs?
- So we are ships of the desert, we go
for a long time through deserted expanses without food, without
water, and in the humps there is both food and water...
- A-a, well, yes... There’s just one thing that’s not right-
it’s clear why we need all this tuning in Sa-
Do you need a mapckom zoo?!
The young man says to the doctor:
-Doctor, I want to express to you my orpom-
Thank you very much!
The doctor asks:
- As a patient, or as an heir?
One tourist got lost in the jungle of Novaya
Zealand. He goes out into the clearing, and there
tribe of cannibals. They saw him, surrounded him-
whether.
- That's it, fucked up. - the man thinks.
At this time, light is shed on him from
sky and he hears:
- No, not yet! You should grab your knife
from the leader and stick it into the heart of his son. Mu-
Zhik screams and attacks the leader, you
grabs his knife and kills his son.
Voice from heaven:
- Now it’s really fucked up!
Two girls are walking down the street. Suddenly
the guy barks to them and says:
- Girls, hello! Let's go with you
let's meet!
- We don’t meet such freaks!
- So, I see, I see... And tell me...
Hey, maybe you'd like some cheese?
- No, we don’t want to!
- Or maybe you still want to?
- I told you, we don’t want it!
- And you won’t even try a bite?
- I told you, no!
- Well, strange, strange... Such rats - a
they don't want cheese! A brick lies on a country road. How
will everyone do it?
A Russian is riding a bicycle, he ran over
him, fell, kicked him, and drove on.
A little Russian is riding a bicycle, he ran over a non-
go, fell, kicked, picked it up, put it in his pocket,
let's move on.
A Khachik is riding a bicycle, he ran into a non-
he fell, sat on it, sold the bike and
I counted all the grass around like parsley
money, caught a car, went home.
A little Jew rides a bicycle,
rode towards him, fell, got up, raised the kir-
peach, sold it to a passing Russian
like a good luck talisman, I moved on.
An adult Jew is riding a bicycle...
ha!!... where did you see an adult Jew on
cycling on a country road?
The director's assistant is running behind the scenes.
Pomerzh:
- Where is Mumu? Where is Mumu? (To Gerasim) Gera-
Sim, where is Mumu? Oh, why should I ask you-
vayu...
A priest, a doctor and a programmer play
golf. Everything is fine, only they constantly
two gloomy dudes in black glasses are in the way,
which poke all over the field, and hit
give the ball one timefifth. They called the owner -
ina:
- What kind of tops?
He:
- You understand, these two people saved
Our entire golf club is on fire. And for the good-
thanks for this we allowed them to do it for free
play on the playground whenever they want.
True, in the fire they were completely blind.
Priest:
- They are righteous people, I will pray for
them, and God will help them.
Doctor:
- You know, they are treating very well now
eyes, I can recommend the clinic to them
and a surgeon.
Programmer:
- Why the hell don’t they play at night?!
An upset man comes to the doctor:
- Doctor, I haven’t had any
chairs...
Doctor, calmly:
- Well, sit here...
- Mom, did you call me?
- No.
- Dad, did you call me?
- No.
- Grandma, grandpa, did you call me?
- No.
- Okay, let's formulate the question differently -
mu: “Are we actually going to eat today?!”The secretary enters the boss's office
all in tears.
He asks:
- What’s wrong with you, Lenochka?
- I just went to the gynecologist, and he
confirmed to me that I am pregnant. Judging by
deadline, this could only happen then
when we went to the seminar, which means
that I'm pregnant from you. And so are you
married, and I’m married, and I’m already having an abortion
it's too late, all I have left is
The only way out is to commit suicide!
The boss with a look of deep sympathy
puts his hand on her shoulder and says so tenderly,
rith:
- Okay, Lenochka... I have always been
peh, you can be relied upon!
It was real. We sit at the end of work
day in the department, and the boss in an open office
Binete (everything can be heard) discussing with some
the man said something very loudly (he always
screams). The plumber mocks me:
“You don’t know how much 2x2 will be!”
Here, from the boss’s dialogue, loudly
completely independent:
- Three, well, maximum five.
One day a son comes up to his father and asks
(with a characteristic idiotic accent):
- Dad, why was the apple green?
when II bit it and it turned brown
howl?
- Well, you see, son. The whole point is
that an apple contains a large amount of
iron content, and the air contains most
high amount of oxygen. Green shell
like an apple, it’s a kind of protective
film After the destruction of this protective
films, iron entered with oxygen into
redox reaction, in
As a result, free radicals...
- Dad, who are you talking to now?
are you???????
- I don't want to say anything bad o
how my daughter-in-law cooks, but I want
I wish there was only one thing...
- What exactly?
- To her children when they are well behaved
lead, they could go to bed without dinner...
The owner of the restaurant calls his officials
ahtok and says:
- Today, my dears, dress properly...
neater, tidy up your hair
and get brown!
- What's the matter? - one of them asks
them. -Are you expecting some important news?
cohy?
- No, no, that's not the point. Today at
us not quite fresh steak...
Armenian Radio is asked:- Which breed is best suited for
as a guard dog in public
at home?
Answer:
- Bordelterrier.
A short course in world religions
Catholicism:
Only priests have the right to perform
sins; everyone else is obliged to believe that
they don't do them.
Orthodoxy:
If you are in power, your only obligation is
arrogance - to sacrifice, if not in power -
don't show off.
Protestantism:
We are the coolest - we read more often than others
The Bible.
Sunni Islam:
An infidel can be killed because he is not
faithful, and a Muslim - because he
bad Muslim. All life is war!
Shia Islam:
We are true Aryans, and therefore we can
don't prayfive, but only three times a
day, and in general all the prohibitions were created only
for fools, that's why there are so many of them.
Judaism:
There are Jews who are required to read the Torah and
multiply; and there are Jews who must
we cleanse the land for those who read the Torah, otherwise
Why will they have nowhere to reproduce?
Buddhism:
We recognize other gods as our lesser ones
our brothers, and we recognize those who believe in
other gods as our lesser slaves
brothers.
Confucianism:
Every action you take is a worthy mistake
whip. If you don't do anything, then...
ten lashes.
Hinduism:
I am happy that I was born in a lower caste.
Being supreme is so difficult! When I
I'll die, I'll become a tree, and I'll finally be able to
I'll rest in peace.
Shintoism:
There should be a temple for every occasion.
In the absence of your own, you can visit strangers too.
temples.
Communism:If my ancestors did something with their hands,
kami, then for their hard life everything else
they owe me for life.
Atheism:
No need to show that you are involved in something
I think all sorts of idiots will decide that
they are smarter than you.
Another one flashed across Western TV
wave of anti-Russian propaganda. Constant
but they play videos from Chechnya about atrocities
Russian army and the suffering of the Chechen
people. Things have gone to extremes - Bush himself
went to Chechnya to check what was happening
dit.
He somehow drives through the forest, with all
with his retinue, of course. Then suddenly I heard
there is a growl, heart-rending screams. They're arriving
closer and they see this picture:
a Chechen with a typical bandit look
zan to a tree - and he is attacked by a honey-
after all. A little more - and the end of the Chechen.
Here three Russians fly out from behind the bushes
officer and let's shoot the bear in the head
woo. In general, they killed the bear; pulled away from the pe-
penyrahhoro Chechen; well and start skinning
shoot from a bear on a hill. Here to them
Bush comes up and says:
- I bow to you for your good-
native act. Some are unclean
Western media are trying to handdistribute
slander about your actions in Chechnya. But I
Now I am convinced that in Russian society
there is not even close to hatred towards people of the Caucasus -
Russian nationality.
That's why Bush left. One officer asked
no other:
- Hey, Vasya, who was that??
- What are you talking about?!? This is the President of America himself.
Ricky, George Bush!
- I don’t know whether he’s the president or not -
dent, but the dude is good at bear hunting
doesn't fumble.
Nineteenth century. Russia. Know the rest
is complaining in Kislovodsk. And on the way back
You in St. Petersburg robbed two princes. Approach-
they are approaching customs, there are mountaineers in burkas.
And the princes have no passports, no documents,
no money.
Customs officer:
- Documents!
The prince thinks - I’ll give him a urine test, that’s all.
still won't understand anything. The customs officer reads
et:
- Analysis... Urine. Yeah... Sugar - no.
BELOK - net. - Drive on, dear.
The second prince also gives an analysis. Tamo-
married man:
- Analysis... Urine. What's up, brothers? Sugar
5 g. BELOK 0.002. Ganakoki for the entire field
vision. Listen, dear, - the sugar of my life -
not give, protein - 0.0002 - a, sybe actab.
And the ganakoksbetween all customs workers
neither equally divided.
The soldier approaches the commander:
- I need to go on vacation - my wife has to give birth -
on...
The commander releases him; in a week
the soldier returns.
- Well, Petrov, who was born - a boy or
girl?
- We'll find out in nine months.
The take-off of a spacecraft is reusable
first use of the Challenger was met
chen fire salute. Salyut station continues
presses flight in automatic mode.
Brother comes to the killer's birthday
va. They give you a long box with a big one
with a bow. The killer is joyful, breaks the obep-
exact paper - and there is a silver case,
under SBD.
- Wow! Well, guys! Class!
- Bullshit, open it!
Opens - a super modern rifle,
laser, optical sights, titanium
cartridges, in general, with all the bells and whistles.
- Well, friends!! They knew what would please the old man
go! Wow!
- Come on, get the rifle.
He picks it up and there is an order for lemon. Photo,
information, everything is as it should be.
- Yeees! EvenI don’t know how you feel, thank you
rip!
- That's not all!
They go down to the basement, turn on the light, there
an ordered man sits on a chair, tied up,
mouth taped shut. Well, the birthday boy
his eyes are already burning, he is for a new rifle...
- Wait, peel off the tape.
He takes off the tape. A man with a plaintive voice
som:
- Xennu bezday tu yu!!
The man is about to undergo surgery,
and his friend gives him parting words -
vets.
- Remember: you will give cahutapkam $10, hee-
pypry - $200, anesthesiologist - $500.
-Are you crazy? The anesthesiologist is nothing
does not do this. 500 bucks just for that
to fall asleep?! This can go crazy!
- No, honey, for falling asleep,
only 10$, and the rest 490$ for
wake up!
Married couple, exo smugglers
tic animals. Before customs, carefully
carefully camouflage the next animals so that
not fall into the hands of justice. The team's husband
blows to his wife:
- So, the snake is well covered in the wig -
you. The parrot in the bra is neat.
So, hide the skunk..... hide the skunk in your panties.
Wife:
-Dear, what about the smell?
Husband:
- Oh, he’ll die, he’ll die.
A man is swimming along the river. Suddenly his hand
grabs the balls and a voice asks:
- Add two or subtract two?
Well, I answered by adding two. He became
four eggs. I returned home and told
wife. She tells him, like, go back
to the river, a hand will grab you again and a voice
He will ask, and you answer, add two. Yes and
did. Swam out to the middle of the river. His hand
She grabbed the balls again and the voice asked:
- Add four or subtract four?...
- Conjugate the verb “to live” into a unit-
in the past tense!
- I died, you died, he died...
The plane takes off. A student exits the salon
adress:
- Dear passengers! Welcomes you
our airline. Our plane is piloting
first class pilot, Honored Master
parachuting...
Ivan Tsarevich pulled his bow... and went to
carnival in Cippolino costume.
Vovochka, what a bastard! I ate as many as three tablets
Viagra entrance, and then he was sent tohospital with a 3rd degree burn on the hand!
- Do you know why at a construction site everything is in trouble?
where do they go?
- Well, what if the crane operator gets the itch...
The tourist group fell into the hands of the month-
dark savages. Everyone looks at me with anger
group leader.
- Don’t worry, gentlemen, - ycnokau-
that one says. - They are peaceful. There's no reason to have anyone
they won't. Women will be raped, men
fingers will be cut off and released.
- Why do they cut off fingers? - politely in-
One lady is wondering.
- What is characteristic, regarding the rape -
There were never any questions.
- Today for some reason the boss called me "je-"
ludem.
- It’s not surprising - you’re so mo-
lod. And the acorn is the club at the beginning
careers.
- Listen, why are you giving oars to
motor boat?
- How will you get her back?
Cbetckoe society. One of the ladies packa-
calls to his dream:
- Gentlemen, today I saw a terrible
dream! It's like I put my finger in my mouth, a
There's not a single tooth there!Rzhevsky:
- Madam, you probably have your finger in the wrong place-
stuck...
A lady comes to a hiring office and asks,
so that they could find a young maid for her,
Tom clarifies that she needs a lesbian.
The director is outraged:
- Gentlemen, today I saw a terrible
dream! It's like I put my finger in my mouth, a
There's not a single tooth there!
Rzhevsky:
- Madam, you probably have your finger in the wrong place-
stuck...
A lady comes to a hiring office and asks,
so that they could find a young maid for her,
Tom clarifies that she needs a lesbian.
The director is outraged:
- Madam! We have a serious establishment!
- ABOUT! Calm down, this is not for me, but for
husband...
A man enters the clinic.
- Is it possible to do a urine test? - right-
he sews.
“Of course,” the doctor answers.
He fills a whole basin and sighs:
- Ufff.... It’s so good - it’s in the city
You won’t find a toilet with a fire during the day...
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