Humor - Jokes.

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 And of course, a little bit
what is popularly called:


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 | A N E N D O T S |
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   - Alexey, when will you correct the deuce?
in mathematics?
   - I don’t know, mommy.  teacher
just doesn't leave the magazine!

 * * *

The “new Russian” is asked:
   - When did you notice that you had been stolen?
car?
   - Yesterday evening. Left the restaurant
I opened the door, got behind the wheel, I want
start moving, but there is no car.

 * * *

   Two “new Russians” meet.
   - What kind of alcoholic drinks do you drink?
 - One.  It consists of the names of two
animals. This is cognac.
   - And what doses did you give him?
do you use?
   - If the animals are swapped, then
you'll find out.
   - What kind of horse?

 * * *

 After waiting for half an hour for the waitress,
the visitor gives money to the owner
restaurant:
   - Give flowers to the waitress!
   - Did you like her?
   -No, I think she died.

 * * *

 Bride:
   - My father lost everything at cards yesterday
your fortune!
 Groom:
   - Nothing, I won from him.

 * * *

 The man, out of breath, runs into the yard
neighbor.
   - Petrovich, help me out! - he shouts. -
We urgently need seven buckets of water.
   - Yes, you have your own well...
   - My mother-in-law fell into it, and there was water
only up to the chin.

 * * *

 Two gopniks are walking down the street, towards
they have a new Russian.  One of the Gopniks
took out a knife and said:
   - Man, give me the money!
   The new Russian reached into his pocket and pulled out
pistol and ordered:
   - Lay down on the asphalt and swim!
 They float. One gopnik says to another:
   - As long as I’ve lived, I’ve never swam on
asphalt.
   - Talk to me!  Dive now
I'll force you!

 * * *

   - Police, racketeers are breaking in on me!
   - Try to keep it
more traces, especially bloody ones.
Then we will definitely have them on the hook!

 * * *

 In a real estate company
say to one client:
   - We have housing in mind for you
for the right price, but we're not sure
that you agree to move to the old one
wintering on Wrangel Island.

 * * *

 - Lend me a thousand bucks!
   - I can’t!
   - Well then, at least five hundred!
   - No!
   - What about a hundred?
   - Not a penny!
   - In that case, please tell me
what time is it? It should be from you at least
some benefit!

 * * *

 Nreditor - to the new Russian:
   - For the last time I demand: return
five hundred million rubles that you
We took out a loan three years ago!
   - Well, that's the last time.
Frankly, your persistence
It's already starting to irritate me.

 * * *

 A new Russian beginner asks
banker loan of one hundred thousand dollars,
promising to return two hundred thousand in the spring. B
as a deposit he offers a consignment of goods.
The deal is done, and the new Russian
is about to leave.
   - Wait, please! - calls out
his banker.  - I'm afraid that in the spring you
It will still be difficult to return immediately
two hundred thousand dollars. Isn't it betterthere will be
for you, if you give half already
now, and half in the spring, eh?
   Scratching my head, the new Russian
agrees and returns to the banker only
that the amount received. Walking into the office, he
mutters thoughtfully:
   - Strange. There is no goods, a hundred thousand are missing,
I still owe the same amount, and if
figure it out, then everything is correct!

 * * *

   New Russian hired
young salesman and instructs
him:
   - Tomorrow morning train you are leaving for
Nonotop.   There you will rest in a hotel,
Have breakfast to lift your spirits
drink a glass of Martel cognac. Then
go to our old client
Stepanenko.  Show him all the samples
our products, accept the order and
notify me immediately by telegraph about
concluding a deal.
   The next day comes in the evening
telegram from Nonotop:
   "There is no cognac in the whole city
"Martel". What should I do?"

 * * *

   - I don't know if I'll live to see that day
when will you pay me back?
   - Well, with your iron health
this question is inappropriate!

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