Prose - Vanilla.

                                        
 Vanilla was about to present the prize,
but then I approached the participants and said,
What's most interesting about this competition is
is to find out who thought what before
How to make such a face.   Vanilla
muttered that since I’m so smart, then
Let me ask them myself.  I
called the hall to silence and stood in front of everyone
participant to find out who thought what.  
 The first fidoshnik said that he remembered
your first 300 baud modem. Second
admitted that he remembered his wedding, in
the time the bride set for him
the condition is to leave Fido. The third stated,
that I remembered the two-week celebration
obtaining a point address.  Daddy
said he remembered his first
tax inspector.    Uncle Yura,
of course, he remembered his main
editor, and the winner is Uncle Solomon -
embarrassed, admitted that he remembered
the day he was first introduced to
Aunt Sophia.                            
 Unfortunately, Aunt Sofa his phrase
I heard it, so I promised loudly that
as soon as Uncle Solomon returns to
place, she will immediately get used to him... Uncle
Solomon turned pale, but daddy promised
provide him with a protection program and
rehabilitation of witnesses and stole
unfortunate winner at the fidosh table,
where they gave him a live drink. Vanilla doesn't evenmanaged to present Uncle Solomon with a prize,
which, however, was
ordinary dirty cow horn, purchased
on the market, so there is not much winner
lost.                                
 The last competition was somewhat sluggish,
although, I don’t argue, he was quite
spectacular. Seryoga should have been on the "hot"
horse" (which was depicted by the children's
red plastic horse on white
wheels) "steal" me and take me to
blue distance, accompanied by the "faithful
kunaks." But I categorically refused
sit on this disgrace in your
red dress, so the snatching scene
bride" looked like this: Seryoga was riding on
horse, holding my hand, and I just
walked next to him. They pranced dashingly behind him
on the same horses there are two “kunaks” - Masta
Maine and the WD-40 agent, but Masta Maine is in
at some point I got very carried away and sat down on
the horse with his whole body, resulting in
the unhappy animal instantly
turned into a flounder, and Masta Man
filled the hall with such curses that even
daddy was delighted and brought a couple of them
in your notebook.  That's it for our
the torment is over. Fidoshniks, however,
made a scandal and said that it was necessary
hold another fidosh wedding, but I
I answered decisively that I could
participate in it only in the form of a corpse,
that's why the fidoshniks just did itrow
competitions in which I am with my parents and
relatives of daddy and mommy
they didn’t understand anything about the score. But to fidoshniks
didn't care at all, so they were like
Seryoga explained, they cut the shinbai,
checked the backbone for strength, stewed it for
flame speed (by the way, I almost burned
with a curtain), held a championship
by ckopocthomy ahhouhry and exhumation
points.  No, I got something mixed up.
They carried out excommunication, not
exhumation.   In short, all this
the wedding was already having fun without us, because
that I was already in this state,
that she could only drink champagne and
look thoughtfully at the ceiling, and
Seryoga admitted that for one day
there were too many events.             
 The event ended quietly and peacefully.
The fidoshniks still punched their faces
manager to thunderous applause from everyone
hall, but the police didn’t take them, because
that at the end of the wedding we still have
the general showed up, summoned by Uncle Yura,
who turned out to be a police general.     
 On the way home we slept in the car and
daddy with uncle Yura, who during
dancing quite dashingly, they poured vodka,
they screamed songs, leaning out of the window.
Daddy us on our wedding night
didn’t let him go home to Seryoga, motivating
this is because the son-in-law, they say, is obliged to him
drink, so we made a bed in mine
room.Seryoga was taken to the kitchen, and I
I was so tired that I fell into
bed and immediately fell asleep.               
 And now I think: it’s good that everything is like this
did it work out or not?  On the one hand,
there was, of course, a mess during the wedding
scary.     I got nervous and
I was worried for several years in advance. C
the other - there really is something
remember.  This is apart from that
the peculiar fact that I am now
indeed - the wife of a programmer.
I wonder what of all this
it will work out...                            
                                        
 Copyright (e) 1999, Alex Axlep.      
 http://www.exler.ru                    
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track: ODHoo6pa3HbIu My3oH              
Wu: Macros     
---------------------------------------
                                        
 “And now,” said Vanilla, when
the noise has died down, let's begin the most important thing
competition                                
 “Lord,” said daddy, “is it really possible?”
Are there any competitions that are more important than the previous one?    
 “Whoa,” Seryoga picked up. - I have
this competition makes something inside me uneasy
shrank.                                
 “I even know what exactly,” he began
daddy, but I shushed them so as not to
interfered with Vanilla.                         
 “In Jewish families,” said Vanilla,
wives are always modest and
obedience to your husband.                       
 - I love idealists, - said from behind
daddy.                               
 - Exactly!  - Aunt Sofa shouted and
cracked the hand of Uncle Solomon, who
I wanted it on the slywhip.     
 - So we have to check now
Upy for endurance and obedience, said
Vanilla.  - To conduct the competition, I
two female volunteers are needed,
preferably prettier.               
 Aunt Sofa immediately rushed from the table.
 “Preferably girls,” he corrected himself.
Vanilla.                                
 Aunt Sofa stopped at
thoughtfulness, but then I saw that uncle
Solomon tries to pour himself another
glass, so she quickly returned to the table.
And two girls from fidosh came out to us
rows.                                  
 “This is the task,” he said solemnly.
Vanilla.   - Girls will do everything
look after Sergei, and Ira should watch
without blinking an eye. Thus
she will prove modesty and obedience.    
 “What a bastard you are, Vanilla,” I said.
Vanilla smiled flattered.            
 “The audience,” he said, “should
encourage young people with applause and
cheers.     So,
started...                               
 The people at the tables made noise, clapped, these
two scoundrels took Seryoga by the arms and
they began to whisper something affectionately to him, and this
the figure immediately softened, began to smile, and I
he immediately wanted or inflatable
seal with a hammer, or make
something scary.   But I don't see
gave, but just walked up toVanilla and
said tenderly:                        
 - Vanilla, dear, you are so gorgeous
I came up with everything.                           
 -  Is it true?  - Vanilla looked down.  - I
I tried really hard.                         
 - People really like it - it’s still the same
I said affectionately. - And you, poor thing,
I'm already exhausted with these competitions.
Look how the hair is disheveled. - C
With these words I took his hand and
began to correct with gentle movements
his hairstyle. Vanilla closed his eyes all the way
and began to purr like a March cat.   
 - The competition is over!  - yelled here
Seryoga, who instantly escaped from these
two girls and began to tear me away from
Vanillas. - The bride showed modesty and
obedience.                             
 - No, I haven’t shown it yet!  - argued
Vanilla.                                
 - It showed! - Seryoga growled. - Otherwise I
I'll tear something off for you now.         
 - The competition is over! - hastened to announce
Vanilla.  - Friendship won. Let's clap
comrades, let's clap.                    
 Everyone applauded and we returned for
table                                   
 - Somehow I’m tired of these various
weddings,” I complained to Seryoga. But he
remained proudly silent.                 
 - Are you offended? - I was surprised.     
 - No, wow!  - exploded
Seryoga.  -  How are youthis bastard - and under
pen, and his thin hair
corrected me and said something kindly in my ear
whispered... It was disgusting to just watch. 
 “Yeah, yeah,” I said, “that’s the groom.”
ours there was completely destroyed by these
girls who courted him from all over
sides It just melted like ice cream
in the oven.                                
 - Yes, it was just a competition! -
Seryoga continued to rage. - I was working
to the public!                             
 “And I worked for the public,” she retorted.
I.                                      
 - You worked for Vanilla! - indignant
Seryoga.                                 
 - Listen, Ir, why are you bothering the guy?
Dad tried to reason with me. - He
just miraculously avoided being cut off.
The person is nervous, worried... B this
moment the waiters began to trash
hot.   Table of hungry relatives
became very animated and attacked the food like
for manna from heaven, but fidoshniks
turned up their noses and declared that all these
julienne-mulienne and chops they are not
they wish, but they wish for a saddle of a ram with
truffles, tiger kpebetku in sauce "De
Brazil", chicken wings "BBQ",
"Gazpacho" soup, steak with "Chasseur" sauce,
New Zealand lamb loin with sauce
"Dijon" with dark beer and pancakes with
pineapples for dessert.                    
 - Do you hear how the fidoshniks were dismantled? -Dad said to Seryoga.   - Even me
I just don’t know half of these names.  
 “They’re out of boredom,” Seryoga explained.
oFor some reason we haven’t made any toasts for a long time
heard. We need to tighten up the fidoshniks.       
 “Moment,” said daddy, stood up and
tapped the glass with a fork, calling everyone
to silence.  Nobody paid any attention to him
the slightest attention.  Then he knocked
with a fork on a silver bucket for
champagne.  The sound turned out just right.
As if the Tsar Bell had fallen on
Tsar Cannon. The people immediately fell silent.          
 “And now,” said daddy, “the word
provided to the representative of the food service
public who will congratulate
young on behalf of advanced
technical terms of youth. Please - and
he applauded, calling for support
his table with relatives.              
 Everyone obediently clapped their hands, but
at the fidosh table no one gets up for
I was in no hurry to make a toast. They all
whispered among themselves, but no one took
taking on such a great responsibility.  
 “Come on, friends,” said daddy. -
Be brave!                                 
 - Like the first flame!  - shouted
Serega.                                 
 However, no one even to these fiery
did not respond to calls. Then smart
Vanilla snuck up behind Masta Man and
somehow pulled out from underhim
chair  Masta Man fell to the floor, but immediately
quickly jumped up, saying all sorts of things
bad words.  Rascal Vanilla in
that moment thrust a glass of wine into his hands
champagne and said that Masta Man is like
once again he will speak on behalf of all fidoshniks.
The guests fell silent and began to listen.        
 “So,” Masta said decisively
Maine.  - This... So, Seryoga you are now
this... Well, brother, it doesn’t happen to anyone!
Be strong! If anything - we are with you! Let's help,
means in difficult times.  Not much
drink... Oh, no, that's not it... In short, advice
I give you yes love. AND SHOP!        
 With these words, Masta Man decidedly
knocked over his glass, and the fidoshniks enthusiastically
applauded.      Some even
teared.                           
 “It’s a touching speech,” said daddy.
I couldn't do that.  At this moment with
fidosh table we were given a bottle of
vodka on which stood some
weird squiggles. Seryoga took the bottle,
wrote something on the label and sent it
on the related table.                    
 -  Right!  - they shouted behind the fidoshny
table - By routing it, by routing!  
 - What did you write on the bottle?  -
I asked.                    
 “My own Shinbai,” answered Seryoga.
foggy. - Such a joke. The bottle is walking around
circle, and everyone writes their shinbai on it.  
 “Sinbad Morexods, I know,” I said.
Sinbai - noI know.                       
 - And this is about the same thing, -
Seryoga explained.                        
 -  Friends!  - yelled Vanilla, who
reappeared in its usual place.      
 - How he tortured, - with hatred
I said. - When will this all end? 
 “Don’t worry, Ir,” he consoled me.
Seryoga.   The last wedding left.
Caucasian.                             
 - It's interesting that this time he
will he come up with it?  - I said thoughtfully.  -
Probably will force you with flowers on the street
trade.                              
 - What, this is a thought!  - perked up
daddy.   - At the same time, all expenses for
We'll celebrate the wedding. Look how many flowers do you want?
gave.                               
 - Dad, have you ever taken your daughter’s side?
will you keep it?     - sarcastically
I asked.  - You and Seryoga are like that
they sang that I was just in serious
fears. Who is your daughter - me or him? 
 - What did I say? - surprised
daddy.                               
 - These are my flowers!    - absolutely
I became scandalous.  - I won't allow them
sell!                              
 - Don’t worry, Ir, -
Daddy was worried.  - If you don't
Do you allow anyone to sell flowers?
there will be. Then we will sell the gifts. There they are
how much they gave.                       
 -I ask young people to come to the center! - continued
This is the third time we have called on Vanilla, and we
I had to get out from the table again.    
 - I’m getting out for the last time, -
I warned Serega. - I'm already tired
to the point of impossibility.                       
 “I’m already tired too,” he admitted.
Seryoga.  - But it’s necessary, nothing can be done.
You see how the audience is having fun.          
 “Sereg,” I said sarcastically, “
I have a feeling that you are not
You work as a system administrator, but as a showman.      
 “You see,” he admitted, “at work.”
system administrator there are so many elements of the show that we
any exchange is sometimes a hundred points ahead
we'll give it.   Do you know how difficult it is to prove
to the boss that the accounting department is calm
will cost 16 megabytes of memory, because
that the rest are needed for my computer, on
which MSIE at the opening of the twentieth
the new window is terribly slow...           
 “So,” shouted the delighted
Vanilla, - now we are holding the last
this season, Caucasian wedding.      
 The audience burst into applause, and
at the ifidish table they tightened up discordantly
"Suliko" (in English for some reason) and
shouts were heard: “Eh, brother, chilogram
You’ll buy some kiwi, brother, right?”...              
 They put a huge one on Seryoga
an airfield cap (by the way, he's wearing it
really immediately became like
Caucasian), and they put a black one on my head
scarf like ropckuxwomen.           
 “Friends,” Vanilla shouted. - Let's begin
Caucasian wedding, during which
the groom must prove that he is
a real horseman!                       
 “Serge,” I quietly asked my husband, “are you
Can you stop a galloping horse?               
 “It’s easy with a bazooka,” Seryoga answered. 
 - Now the groom will take all the bouquets from
flowers,” said Vanilla, “will go out to
don't go down the street without a thousand dollars
returns. The guests gave a standing ovation.    
 “Actually, it was a joke,” he admitted.
Vanilla.   - Our competition will be more
traditional.  Sergei must prove
what he, like a real man, can do
make shish kebab-mashlik.                   
 “I don’t understand,” said Seryoga. - I'm on it
I’ll smoke it in a candle, or what?            
 - Frying shish kebab is a simple matter! -
Vanilla said, winking at the audience.  -
The main thing in this matter is to cut it correctly
animal.  Who else but the horseman should do this?
do?  So now the groom is on ours
eyes will have to slaughter a pig! Hall
quieted down.  From Vanilla everything was possible
expect, so everyone was afraid that he was out
the bag will now get a live pig.
However, nothing happened.   Vanilla from his
zashashnikov took out an inflatable piggy and stuck it
it to Seryoga, and also handed it to him
plastic sword from knight's armor.
 “Here’s your treasure sword,” this one yelled
scoundrel.  -Slaughter the pig.  I'll give you two
minutes.                                 
 - Faction of paternal relatives
the bride protests - unexpectedly
Daddy shouted.                     
 - What's happened? - Vanilla was surprised.       
 - Immediately after the Jewish wedding
organizing a competition with clubs is
unethical,” said daddy. - Jewish
the public demands at least a ram.
“Kosher pterodactyl,” the table shouted
fidoshnikov.                             
 -You don't like pig? - asked
Vannilla.                               
 - We hate it! - my aunt said decisively
Sofa.                                   
 “So they’ll kill her now,” calmly
Vanilla explained.  - What's the problem?
The relatives fell silent.   Cover like
they say there was nothing.                  
 “So,” said Vanilla, “it’s time
let's go!   Everyone clapped, whistled, and
Seryoga started sawing an inflatable pig
plastic knife.  It was clear that
he could nag her so much for two minutes that
two days, so I carefully chipped
from your dress a safety pin and
she imperceptibly poked the toy in the side with the tip.
The pig squealed and deflated.  Spectators
burst out enthusiastic
applause.    Vanilla stood in
perplexed.   He probably prepared
some text to explain why
Seryoga could not "stabble"pig" and here
such a bummer...                          
 “Well,” Vanilla finally found himself. -
Congratulations to the groom, he turned out to be real
katso!  But there is one more competition left -
the most important!                          
 - Let me catch my breath, - dissatisfied
said Seryoga, who had hail from his forehead
sweat rolled off.  - You think it's easy to pig
cut?                                 
 “Okay,” Vanilla agreed.  -
Rest for five minutes. And now I'll spend
competition among the people.   Friends, -
he addressed the audience. - You all know
that the mountaineers are stern and unsmiling people.
Therefore, now we will hold a competition among
those present here - who coctpout
the gloomiest face.  To the winner
you will get a real wine horn. Please
go on stage.                      
 Three fidoshniks immediately ran out to us,
Uncle Solomon, daddy and uncle Yura.
Vanilla lined them up again
reminded that the main prize is real
wine horn, and waved his hand... What's going on here?
it has begun!  The men started making faces like this
make faces that the whole hall is simply crazy with laughter
Iral.  A minute later Vanilla stopped
competition and said that he won,
definitely Uncle Solomon.  Hall with him
agreed because it was darker and
no one ever has a gloomy face
I haven't met.                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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Track: ODHoo6pa3HbIu My3oH              
Ву: Macros                              
----------------------------------------
 - Нет ничегоworse,” Vanilla continued,
than an ordinary banal feast.  All
sit, drink and eat, say
stupid toasts, and young people openly
are bored.  We are Stranger's friends and
Irina's future friends decided...        
 -Who are these figures’ friends?   -
Dad asked me.        
 “Seryogi,” I answered. - He has it
The pseudonym on the Internet is Wanderer.      
 “A-a-a-a-a,” said daddy, “
Now I understand.  This nickname is not for you
alarming?                          
 “Not yet,” I answered. - Which one?
is he a wanderer?  It's out of the house and in pieces
you can't lure out the sausages.                    
 “So,” said Vanilla, showing
with my whole body that now the most important thing will come
interesting.   - That's why right now
young people must demonstrate what they can do
they are capable.  And then we will understand, it will be
Is their marriage strong?                      
 “I hope,” I asked loudly, “we
not                                      
 Will they make you jump in bags?             
 - No bags!   - solemnly
answered Vanilla.  - The idea is very simple.
We are now with your immediate
We will participate in three weddings.  Moreover
each wedding will be held on
to your ritual.   You will have to
complete some tasks that
will show you whether you can work well in
couple- What does it mean to work in pairs?  -
I asked displeased.  - We actually
We are not going to rob banks.            
 - Disorganized questions from the place I
I would ask not to ask, - dissatisfied
Vanilla said, but then switched again
in a solemn tone and declared:          
 - So, now we will hold three weddings:
Russian, Jewish and Caucasian.        
 “Oh my God,” said daddy. - Me and
I can't pay for one.             
 “Young people,” said Vanilla, “are asked
come here.                           
 “I don’t like all this,” I said.
Seryoga.                                 
 “We must, Ira, we must,” he answered. -
People                                   
 requires. Let's have some fun at the same time.         
 “It’s the people who will have fun,” she muttered.
I, but still went after him
to Vanilla.                              
 “The first wedding,” Vanilla announced, “
Russian!                                
 “Hurray-ah-ah-ah,” shouted the fidoshniks and
They began to applaud wildly.  To Serega
they put on some kind of creepy-looking cap,
They threw it on my shoulders - as I said
Vanilla - "Orenburg downy scarf"
which, however, was more like
chinchilla stole made from
painted cat                         
 “So,” he said solemnly and loudly.
Vanilla, - nowwe'll be young
test for compatibility in terms of
cohabitation. Test one
called "Stash". You know that
in Russian villages, women stay with their husbands
they take away my entire salary...                
 - Not only in Russians!  - shouted
daddy and immediately received from mommy
elbow to the side.  And quiet Uncle Solomon,
whom I always loved, for some reason
cried.                               
 “So,” Vanilla continued to yell. -
Now we will check how Seryoga
mastered the ancient art of hiding
stash, and how much Irina owns
the art of quickly detecting them.
I'll ask the guests to give me some
banknotes of various denominations...
 With these words Vanilla went
along the astols.  However fidosh table
I met him rather coldly.  Everyone
by their appearance the fidoshniks showed that they were not
they really understand why they were contacted
with such a strange request. Not only that,
that they feed the whole wedding here, and here
They’re also trying to get money out of them... But
Vanilla was not at a loss and immediately went
to daddy, who immediately raked out
wallet several bills.  At the same time
Aunt Sofa developed vigorous activity and
I found ten rubles in my wallet,
which she presented with great pomp
Vanilla.                                
 “So it is,” he said solemnly.Vanilla, returning to his place. - Now
Ira will turn away, and Seryoga will shove everything away
these bills are of different denominations according to their
pockets.  Then Ira will turn and begin
look for money in his clothes. If first
she will come across small bills - this
means that Seryoga has a family life with
the stash will be fine. But if
she will immediately come across large bills -
this means Seryoga will be worth it in the future
count only on joint
purchases. So let's begin...              
 I turned away, Seryoga quickly shoved
money in my pockets, I turned around,
went up to Seryoga, quickly climbed into
inner jacket pocket and...
quickly pulled out a whole wad of money,
which was given to us for our wedding. You
remember that Seryoga took money from
envelopes and put them there.
The guests burst into rage
applause, and to Seryoga and Vanilla
It was a shame to watch.   They clearly don't
expected that this children's competition
It will end quite maturely. Fidoshniki
they were having a lot of fun and shouting that
a real geek never hides
money in his pockets, but hides them or in
computer case, or - against especially
advanced wives - into the modem case. Uncle
Solomon looking at the wad of money in my
hands, already crying bitterly. Among the guests
A heated argument immediately broke out overabout
the best places for stash, and about us all
forgot.                                 
 “Friends,” Vanilla shouted, “a request
don't relax!   Now it's time to
second competition: comeback rehearsal
Seryoga goes home at four in the morning.             
 “You don’t have to rehearse this,” he said blithely.
I said. - I didn’t even have a rehearsal from the first
I'll get in the eye once.                     
 At the fidosh table they were indignant and
whistled.                             
 “So we,” said Vanilla, “
we rehearse not murder, but means
protection.                                 
 “Rehearse,” she said smugly
I.                                      
 - There is still no protection from me.
 “Then turn away,” Vanilla said.
and thrust a huge inflatable into my hands
hammer  At that moment they put it on Seryoga
a whole set of medieval armor
knight: helmet with visor, armor and shield.    
 After this Masta Man and the WD-40 agent
took some kind of sheet in their hands to
depict a door, but I was allowed
turn around. The people held their breath.      
 “So,” said Vanilla, who
together with emergency Seryoga stood behind the “door” -
experiment number two: spouse
returns home at four in the morning. Masta
Maine let go of his edge of the sheet,
the "door" opened and into the resulting
Seryoga stepped through the doorway in knight's armor,accompanied by Vanilla performing
the role of a showman.                          
 “We’ll see,” said Vanilla, “he will be able to
can a young wife cope with her husband in
such a situation!                         
 - So you didn’t just show up at home
four in the morning,” I yelled, raising my
inflatable hammer - but also with you and
dragged a fidish friend? Crushing friends
fidoshnikov! - and with these words she covered it up
hammer to Vanilla's head. Vanilla fell.
Probably out of surprise, because
use an inflatable hammer to crack the
the head was impossible.                 
 The guests applauded wildly, although
The fidosh table remained icy silent.
They picked up Vanilla, shook off the dust,
and he said that young people can still
come back to the table because there are competitions
will continue after a short break.
Comment on the results of the competition
"Husband Returns at Four in the Morning"
categorically refused.                
 “What a nice competition,” said
daddy when we returned to the place. -
Interestingly, they are for a Jewish wedding
will they come up with it?  Personally, nothing comes to my mind
comes.                               
 “Dad,” I said sarcastically, “
look at yourself. What kind of Jew are you?  
 “Wow,” mommy picked up.  -
The spitting image of an ethnic crest. Lard, vodka
and would like to fight with someone.- When was the last time I fought?  -
Daddy was indignant.                    
 “Exactly a week ago,” calmly
Mommy retorted.  - Who in Japanese
Pushed a chef in the chest at a restaurant?       
 - Why is he right in front of my nose?
splashed with his knives!  - indignant
daddy.                               
 - I got nervous.  I don't like it
when with knives...                         
 “That’s how it’s supposed to be there,” she explained.
mommy.                               
 “And that’s how I’m supposed to do it,” he said.
daddy - when in front of my nose
they play with knives - I can put them in a turnip.
Let him say thank you that it’s easy
pushed.                               
 - Yes, but he sat down right on the hot
stove,” Mommy was indignant.          
 - Just think, the robe burned a little, -
Daddy snorted.                       
 - Wow, it burned me a little!  You
I heard the words he said!          
 “I heard,” daddy shook his head. -
After which I realized that it was not in vain that I pushed him.
We were promised real Japanese
chef, and this idiot is on the stove
called any mothers except Japanese ones. Yes
that he is as Japanese as I am. True,
I still swear better.             
 “By the way,” I hastened to translate.
Let's talk about something else - how do you like the competition?  
 “Very nice,” answered daddy. -
Only yoube careful with this though
business, otherwise I feel sorry for Uncle Solomon
watch. Still crying.            
 - What happened to Uncle Solomon? -
asked Seryoga.                 
 - Yes, you got him confused with his stash, -
Daddy explained.  - Uncle Solomon all
life worked as a supplier. Good money
knocked  But you can never hide anything
could.    Aunt Sofa worked harder
investigator Znamensky.  And poor uncle
Solomon, when he got himself a young girl
mistress, was forced to hang around with her
cinema for the last showings, because
he simply doesn’t have a restaurant or a hotel
there was money.                             
 “It’s a terrible story,” I said maliciously.
 - So this Aunt Sofa is his wife? -
asked Sergei, and his eyes froze
horror.                                   
 “Exactly,” daddy confirmed.       
 “Ir,” Seryoga said to me, “what are you doing?”
this unfortunate man was imprisoned
the very end of the family table? Come on
him to us. Let him eat at least once in his life
and drink properly.                   
 But at this moment in the patch between
tables, which today depicted
scene, Vanilla appeared again, who
said that we will play now
Jewish wedding                      
 “Young ones,” daddy commanded, “on
exit. I wonder what they'll come up with there?
I'm withI'll go with you. I'm interested too.     
 We obediently got out from behind the table and
went to their Golgotha.  there for me
tied some kind of white scarf, and on
Seryoga was given a black hat, to which
pieces of shiny were tied
cepnahtuha.    They tied it around his neck
Spartak red and white scarf.        
 - Well, serpentine is, as I understand it,
“Pacies,” said daddy to Vanilla. - A
what should one represent?
Spartak fan scarf?           
 “Of course, it’s Thales,” he explained.
Vanilla.                                
 “My friend,” said daddy politely.
Of course, I'm not that great in this matter.
a great specialist, but I always
it seemed that Tales was white and black
scarf  More precisely, not even a scarf, but white
bedspread with black stripes.          
 “I know, I know,” he said impatiently.
Vanilla, - Torpedo fan scarf.
But we didn’t have time to get the torpedo one,
so you'll have to make do with cnaptakobckum.
In the end, what's the difference?          
 “Well, in general,” he didn’t argue.
daddy, no.  Agree.  Although
some Jews may object to
replacing the tales with a torpedo scarf.      
 “That’s it,” said Vanilla, “it’s not time.”
bicker. Let's begin.                  
 “So, dear friends,” he said loudly
Vanilla, coming forward, - now we
let's have a littleJewish wedding
rite.  The wild fidoshniks are right there
they shouted discordantly, “When the Jewish
The Cossacks have risen", but Masta Man
quickly put things in order.                   
 “However,” Vanilla continued with
some kind of Schiesuit expression on his face,
there is one problem.  As you know, in
In Jewish families, boys are accepted
do circumcision.                       
 “Oh my God,” said daddy, standing
behind us - I have bad ones
premonitions.  Seryoga, hold on, friend,
if anything...                             
 - What? - Seryoga became worried.        
 “I don’t know yet,” he answered honestly.
daddy.  - But premonitions are the most
bad.                                 
 “Our dear friend Sergei,” continued
Vanilla, - was not born into a Jewish family,
therefore there is no circumcision for him
did.                                 
 - Now I have very
bad premonitions, - said Sergei
daddy.                               
 - You see, - he said, - I told you
spoke.                                
 “That’s why now,” he said loudly.
Vanilla in the midst of deathly silence, - to us
I'll have to fix this little one
a mistake of nature.     Please take it out
instrument... Masta Man came to the center,
who solemnly carried in his hands
hugegarden shears.  Moreover, these
the scissors were handed to me.                    
 Everyone here went cold, even the fidoshniks.    
 “So,” Vanilla said solemnly.
-                                       
 The next competition is very simple.     
 Ira will have to be circumcised...  
 Everyone held their breath.  Sergei nervously
sobbed.                              
 - Cigars! - Vanilla yelled, taking out
pocket a hefty Havana.  - So
This is how she will prove...                  
 What should I prove in this way -
could no longer be heard over the noise that
rose at the tables.  Pale Seryoga
daddy soldered it with mineral water, and I with
I was frightened and tore up this cigar in two
seconds and almost grabbed Vanilla
fingers on hand.                         
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track: ODHoo6pa3HbIu My3oH              
Wu: Macros     
---------------------------------------
                                        
 “Serge,” I told my husband, “it’s bad.”
matter.   On the related half of the table
there is nothing to eat at all.                     
 - It can’t be!  - got alarmed
Seryoga.  - I personally discussed the menu! They
They charged 50 bucks per person! This is in
conditions of a common table - simply
overeat.                             
 “Well, look for yourself,” I said,
pointing at lonely plates of salad
"Caesar" and empty saucers still storing
the warmth of the recently laid sausage.   
 “These bastards,” Seryoga was upset.      
 -  What's happened?  - got intoconversation dad
Borya. - What problems?                 
 - Seryoga paid fifty for the table
dollars on the nose without alcohol, -
I explained, - and they are generally snacks
nothing was installed. Look, look, auntie
Sofa is already gnawing on a napkin. Her, of course,
not a pity, but the rest - what
guilty?                               
 “Moment,” said dad Borya. - With you
Papa Borya.   You entertain guests
kisses, and I'm with this cafe now
I'll figure it out.  With these words, dad Borya
with a casual gesture of his hand he called one of
waiters who fluttered around in abundance
around the table. What were they doing there?
not very clear.                       
 “Listen, dear,” said dad
Borya to the waiter, smiling kindly.  -
You may not have noticed, but the wedding
has begun, and the guests want to eat. So
let's bring "Olivier" to the table,
meat and fish snacks, olives,
cucumbers with tomatoes, lobio-mobio,
basturma-mactypma and all that stuff.
Just quickly, otherwise I'll be a little
“get angry,” said dad Borya and
smiled very widely.                 
 “It’ll be hotter soon,” he whispered.
waiter.                               
 - And what? - Dad asked Borya.          
 “They’ll eat hot,” he explained.
waiter.  - Then they’ll eat. We are all
snacks that kitchengave it, set it.
So that's what we ordered.                  
 “I understand,” said dad Borya and in his voice
his metal rang. - So it is. Or at
I'll be here in exactly two seconds
stand the manager of this shashashka, or through
three seconds I personally go to the kitchen
talk with the chef, but only
I warn you right away that a personal visit
there are no more peace talks
assumes.                           
 “I’ll call the manager,” said the waiter.
and quickly slid towards the kitchen.    
 “Serge,” asked my daddy
blessed one.  - And you give money to these brutes?
have you already given it?                              
 “Of course,” Seryoga answered confusedly.
What about without money?                       
 “Okay, don’t worry,” dad said.
Borya.  - I just don’t like it when people
they get so impudent that they steal instead
the required twenty-five percent -
seventy. It will cost them dearly.     
 “Dad, to hell with them,” she became worried.
I.  - Look, the fidoshniks have plenty of food. They
will share.                              
 “Daughter, don’t worry,” he reassured me.
daddy.   - I’m nothing like that
I'm not going to do anything special. Just
I'll go shopping with this cormorant.               
 - With whom? - I didn’t understand.                
 “With the manager,” explained daddy,
poured himself a whole glass of vodka, drank it,
after which he unfastened the bow tie and twotop buttons on the shirt. At the same time, in
pacterhytom bopote seemed pretty
weighty gold chain.              
 “Wow,” I admired. - I don't
I knew you were wearing this.             
 “Sometimes you have to,” he explained.
daddy.  - For the surroundings. At this moment
a gaunt man approached our table
manager who asked what
It's the customers who are unhappy.              
 - Hey, brother, for some reason I didn’t eat a decile,
Daddy said hoarsely, playing on
finger with the keys to his Mercedes. -
Why are you taking me for a sucker?
specifically?                              
 - What, what happened? - got worried
manager.                               
 “It happened, brother,” said
daddy, - really go crazy
get it, poel? I feel bad when my brother
It's ringing that I'm being scammed here like a sucker.
But, brother, I don’t need to make an ambush,
poel?  If you, stinking chemist, think
that trump dad can be held by the ass
and at the same time not be responsible for the market, then you,
brother, I'm really confused.           
 “I’ll fix everything,” I became completely worried.
manager - just say that
exactly.                                 
 “Listen, ram,” daddy said quietly,
grabbing the manager by the tie and pushing him
his head to your face - come on
Let's stop driving like crazy.  Necessaryreally
solve the problem, poel? What do you want, brother?
put a little lave? In short, like this: or through
for two minutes the concrete munch stands on
table, or I'll serve you on the table. B
grill.  With tomatoes in a bread box!  -
Daddy almost yelled and pushed him away
manager from myself.                      
 - Everything, everything will be done, - completely
the manager got scared and ran away
kitchens.                                  
 “Wow,” I admired. - I don't
I knew that you could do this.               
 - Well, honey, I need to work with different
people have to communicate - somehow
daddy said sadly and began to put it on
butterfly back. - You will inevitably learn.  
 Here they really reached out from the kitchen
the waiters who brought it to the table
relatives... a few more plates with
Caesar salad and saucers with chopped
sausage.      No lobby-mobio,
basturma-mactypma and other tasty things
it was never observed.                   
 - Well, what should I do with him?  -
dad was upset, who, as it was
Apparently, I expected a greater effect from my
educational conversation.  - Indeed
Should I shoot him in the head?          
 “Dad,” I said, “calm down.” You don't
you know how to shoot a head off.              
 “Alas, yes,” answered daddy. - Although
I should have learned it a long time ago. B our
conditions it is impossible otherwise.                  
 B this moment at the far end of the table
Vanilla appeared again.                 
 - We are waiting for the next toast, - doomedly
said daddy. But Vanilla instead
came up to us and asked:                
 - Well, how do you like me as a toastmaster?     
 - Should I answer you intelligently or
honestly? - asked daddy.     
 - Honestly and intelligently, - firmly
answered Vanilla.                        
 “Then it’s just awesome,” he said.
daddy. Vannila looked down modestly.    
 - I haven’t been such a stunned toastmaster for a long time
I saw,” daddy continued. - How can you
raise a toast and immediately drink, even
without checking whether the guests had drunk and
In general, are they full or not? It's a shame
on your toastmaster's head, just know that.
In short, a C for toastmastering,
and even with a minus.                  
 “Well, please,” Vanilla was offended.
I wanted to help you. I'm generally a toastmaster
was not assigned.  I'm here for other functions
I'm doing it.                               
 - Well, functions for drinking alcohol from
all the guests serve glasses here, -
Daddy grinned.                    
 - Not at all, - completely offended
Vanilla.  - What does alcohol have to do with it? We are for
weddings prepared a whole show. Seryoga
asked that everything be different from people,
so we tried.                 
 “I imagine,” daddy shuddered. -
Hey,Serge,” he turned to his son-in-law, “
maybe it's better to leave everything as it is
people?                                  
 “Let there be a show,” he waved his hand.
Sergey.  - People have already started to get bored, but
the guys were up to something, trying...   
 “Okay,” said daddy. - Let's
your show. Just be careful.             
 “Great,” said Vanilla, “now
We'll have everything ready in five minutes
let's start.    With these words he
turned around and ran to the other end
table and developed vigorous activity there
along with Masta Man and some others
guys.                               
 - I’ll go talk to your fidoshniks,
said daddy, poured himself another glass and
got up.                               
 “You better talk to us,” jealously
I said.                              
 - Uh, daughter, you are with each other now
communicate,” said daddy.  - Those
more                                   
 - This is your first day together.               
 “However,” said Seryoga, “if
consider a preliminary conclusion...   
 But I didn’t have time to finish, because I
he was pinched painfully under the table, which is why
Seryoga squealed and immediately turned his attention to us.
attention of the guests who howled again
"bitter", so we had to again
get up and kiss. Feeders for this
times they thought it was even more strange:
"Zero-one, one-zero, one-one,
one-zero-zero, one-zero-one,
one-one-zero", and so on, so I
instead of having fun
from the kiss, listened warily
and everyone tried to understand what they had in mind
mind.  When we sat back, I Seryoga
asked what system we were in for this
once they calculated it, and he replied that it was
was a binary system in which
all computers count.  At this moment
Daddy, already quite drunk, appeared,
who fought with fidoshniks and
returned to his place.                 
 - How was your conversation? - asked
I.                                      
 “Good guys,” said daddy. -
Sociable.  It's just too much of a show-off
love to throw.                           
 - In what sense?  - asked
Sergey.                                 
 “In direct terms,” daddy explained. - They
there they were talking among themselves, so continuous
show-offs were thrown around.                      
 - Maybe “points”? - made a guess
Seryoga.                                 
 “Yeah, that’s right, points,” he agreed.
daddy. - Are points cooler than show-offs or not?
cooler?                                  
 “Obviously cooler,” said Seryoga. - Only
They are not scattered, but distributed. This is the address
so networked.                          
 “I have an address,” said daddy.Daddy-dog-mail-dot-ru.      Daughter
started it.  Called daddy a dog on
old age.                           
 - It’s better to get a pointer then, -
Seryoga advised.  - There's no dog there
calling names. Only numbers.               
 “Like criminals,” I couldn’t resist.
 - Don’t confuse cause with effect, -
Seryoga said edifyingly. - Don't do it
incorrect comparisons.                 
 “Okay,” said daddy, getting up. -
I'll go ask for show-off points.  Me too
I want to join the youth
currents.                               
 - Then take a guitar and scream at night
to bokhom songs,” I suggested.       
 - You, Ir, again decided to be sarcastic
mood to come?  - asked
daddy. - So I’ll quickly get you out of the habit.  
 At this moment the guests again tightened their
disgusted "bitter".   Most of all
That nasty Aunt Sofa tried.      
 “Serge,” I said decisively. - To me
I'm tired of these public kisses.          
 “As you say, my love,” he said.
Seryoga stood up and began passionately
kiss yourself on the hand. Moreover, the people
inertia applauded, and fidoshniks
roared with delight and began to count
octal number system.        
 “How quickly you kissed my hand,” she said
I was jealous when Sergei finished his
solo performance.  - I even felt
jealous.                                
 “Don’t worry,” Seryoga said. - This is
there was something like a demo version.  for you
you'll get a real release.             
 “I don’t know what it is,” she admitted.
I, - but I take your word for it. Here to us
Daddy is back again.                
 “Congratulate me,” he said,
holding out some piece of paper. - I now
all in points.                         
 “You should be ashamed, dad,” I said. -
At your age, points are scattered.
 “I didn’t ask your opinion,”
Daddy said arrogantly. - It's your business
I need these points in Outlook today
configure... However, you can do it tomorrow, -
he corrected himself.                          
 “Outlook won’t work,” he explained.
Seryoga.  - Fidosh address with Outlook is not
works.                               
 - Yes? - Dad was incredibly surprised. -
Then why is it needed?                 
 “They have their own provision,” said
Seryoga.                                 
 “I don’t need their support,” said
daddy and tore the paper.  - Me and
there is too much of this Outlook.          
 - This is how the world lost a fidoshnik! -
Sergei said pathetically.              
 “We should drink to this,” he said.
daddy, rho at this moment in the distant
Vanilla appeared again in the corner of the table,
who called everyone to silence.        
 -Friends! - said Vanilla, and the fidoshniks
burst out enthusiastic
applause.                         
 “I’m not for you,” Vanilla said and
explained that he was addressing
to the hungry table of relatives who
compared to fidoshniks are in
a much more disadvantageous situation.
Fidoshniks immediately shouted that they were ready
send transports with food to
famine areas, but Vanilla again
called everyone to silence.                
 - Since we are all already in due
degrees and drank and some of us even
“have had a bite,” he said, “it’s already quite
we can proceed to the active part of our
events.                            
 “I hope,” he told me in a low voice.
daddy, they won’t force me to jump into
bags or something like that?     
 “I have no idea,” I answered in a whisper.
to him.  - I don’t know anything myself. But it seems
that only Seryoga and I will be tormented.  
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track: NSH1                             
Wu: Macros     
---------------------------------------
 - Okay, - I answered, - decide for yourself.
You know better.  I just wouldn't want to
so that the people remain hungry.           
 “Don’t worry,” Seryoga answered. - These
the guys won't go hungry. Now I
I'll call them all.                         
 “By the way,” I asked, “and
Why are they all hanging out on the street?           
 “I don’t know,” my friend shrugged.
blessed. - They're probably embarrassed. Or
they just want to get some fresh air.  
 “Come on,” I hurried him, “call me
everyone here. It's time to start.               
 “I obey,” he answered. - By the way, -
he suddenly stopped, - you mean,
that today we will not just eat and
drink.     The guys have preparedkisses
program in which we will need
participate so that it doesn't turn into
an ordinary dreary wedding.  I want
to have something to remember.               
 - No problem, - carefree
I responded.    - I will participate with
pleasure.  I myself don’t want to
hang around the table all evening.              
 “Great,” said Sergei and went
call everyone to the table. However, all at once
Seryoga failed to sit down at the table.
It turned out that the mischievous Vanilla will
the host of today's event, and he
demanded that everything be his way
expressed himself according to the protocol. Therefore, we
Seryoga was placed in the center of the hall, and everyone
those present approached again,
congratulated and presented gifts. Since
some of the guests (relatives from my
parties) have already presented their gifts, and
the restless Vanilla still forced
them to "congratulate the newlyweds", they
came up, congratulated and, so that at least
something to say, they were completely up to it
idiotic conversation, because what
you can talk to an unfamiliar distant
relative and complete stranger
non-relative when in the back of the head
you feel the hot breath of the whole herd
the rest of the guests whom Vanilla
sent in a categorical tone
congratulate the newlyweds.  However, one thing
it was good: my relatives gave
mostlymoney in envelopes
Seryoga immediately pulled it out and put it in
inside jacket pocket, so at least
didn't have to rush back and forth with
gifts.                              
 Then it was the turn of the fidoshniks. They
were much less shy than I was
relatives and even gave gifts
good and different. More and more, however,
various.  Because I didn't feel very good
it’s clear what to do with these TV tuners,
"celerons", "mothers", "screws",
"controllers" and other pieces of hardware,
which for some reason were given specifically to me. But
Seryoga told me to smile and
I thanked them because they gave us things
very valuable, which are in the home
will always come in handy in the household. Husband's order
law, so I smiled, thanked,
thanked and smiled.  One time
however, I smiled completely
sincerely, because the trinity of witnesses -
Masta Man, Vanilla Soup and Agent WD-40
brought a hefty box of
printer (I was just thinking that if
Seryoga in his unit, as usual,
If the cartridge runs out, then you can
borrow it from a freshly gifted one
printer), but when we opened the box,
despite the protests of the trio, it turned out
that there is an envelope inside with all those
with money.   And they put them in a box
put it, as the confused one explained
MastaMaine, just for fun, so we're in
the time of the first wedding night is long
opened it trying to find out which printer
there inside.  I thanked them coldly
for such touching concern for our
first wedding night, and we went for
wedding table.                         
 “Serge,” I quietly asked my
blessed, when we were already sitting on
in their places - and who will be today
toastmaster?  Maybe we can ask Papa Borya? He
We have a distinguished toastmaster.                   
 - Papa Borya, of course, will express everything that
has to tell us, - Seryoga whispered, -
but I told you that guys
prepared some kind of program, so
The event will be hosted by Vanilla.        
 “Ah-ah,” I said disappointedly. -
Well, if you decided so, then it is,
of course...                              
 At this moment from the opposite end
tables (they stood in the letter "P") appeared
Vanilla with a glass in his hand, which is not
without unnecessary ceremony, he raised his glass,
shouted: “For the young,” after which he gulped
drained his glass and went somewhere. Guests
And we didn’t even have time to pour ourselves a drink.    
 “Serge,” I asked with great
doubt in his voice. - Are you sure that
Vanilla knows what functions he performs
Toastmaster?                                 
 “Not really,” he admitted. - You
you know that I'm his first today
I saw him live once.“So, friends,” suddenly it sounded good
staged voice of Papa Bori, who
gently, but at the same time decisively took
take the reins of control in the evening into your own hands, -
we have gathered today to
celebrate a very important moment in life
these two charming young men,
who are sitting in front of you now. From now on
they are not just two different young
man, one of whom did not understand,
what can be interesting in life,
except the computer (from the fidosh side
there was thunderous applause from the table and
shouts "Bravo!"), but the other did not
interested in nothing but novels,
discos and the music of Tanya Bulanova, but
when these two people met,
a miracle happened!  - said daddy and
He took a nervous sip from his glass. -
Sergei finally understood - excitedly
daddy said, “what is there in this life?”
things are more important than a computer (from the side
fidosh table - noise, whistles and screams
“Shame!”), and Ira realized that in her
life must have a firm shoulder,
except for dad’s, of course,” he clarified.
daddy - which she should
lean.  So they got married!
Now, - in daddy’s voice one could hear
tears - they fly away from the parent
sockets.  Unfortunately, Sergei's parents,
who perform important
governmentmission in savannah
Tanzania...                             
 - In the swamps of Uruguay, - absolutely
Sergei calmly corrected him.  -
...ardon, in the swamps of Uruguay, -
daddy recovered, - respectfully
reasons cannot be present today
at this celebration, but they sent to
Serezhin as his representative
Aunt Luda, who is for us today
will definitely say a few words.      
 With these words, daddy for some reason sat down
in place. The perplexed guests kept
filled glasses in their hands and continued
wait for the final toast phase.  But here
Seryoga jumped up and shouted:             
 - For the young!                          
 “Hurray-ah-ah-ah-ah,” he shouted in unison.
fidoshny table and everyone finally drank.   
 “Dad,” I said reproachfully to Papa Borya,
somehow you somehow made the first toast very
said strangely.                       
 “Sorry,” said dad Borya, “I’m very
I'm nervous. Never married my daughter before
issued.                                
 “Well, Boris Natanovich,” said Seryoga,
you have to start sometime.             
 - I’ll let you “get started” now, -
I got angry.                           
 - Calm down, baby, - majestically
Seryoga said.  - Don't make yourself nervous. Us
not only kiss, but also
participate in the event.              
 - At the event - as much as you like, -I said, “but don’t kiss in public.”
I will. I don't like it.                         
 “You will,” said Seryoga. - This is not
for us.  This is for the people. And exactly! Not
those gathered had time to drink their first glass,
how Aunt Sofa raised her snake
physiognomy and voice similar to
steamship siren, said:             
 - Somehow the salad is bitter today.        
 “Oh, God,” I sighed.              
 - We warned you, - with
Sergei said in a Georgian accent.      
 - And the bread is bitter today! - continued
this idiot.                            
 “And the lemon is bitter today,” he yelled at
the whole room came from nowhere
Vanilla.                                
 - And the dollar exchange rate is low today! -
Daddy picked it up.                     
 “In short,” Aunt Sofa yelled, “
ropb-ko, ropb-ko, ropb-ko! Of course
There was no need to persuade the fidish table.
They heard the timid calls of their aunt
The sofas screamed "Bitterly" with such
with such force that food was blown off the plates.       
 - Upka, we need to kiss, - decisively
Seryoga said.  - Otherwise it will be like that all the time
evening scream.  We just kiss for a long time,
so that they get tired and don’t come to us anymore
pestered.                             
 - I hate public kissing, -
I muttered, however, from my place
rose because it wasit's clear that
nowhere to go.  Seryoga and I are greedy
clung to each other's lips, and the guests
cheered up, clapped, and fidoshny
The table began to count together:              
 - Zero, one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine,
A, B, C, D, E...                            
 - Why do they think this is somehow strange? -
I asked Seryoga when we
kissed and sat down in their seats.      
 “Don’t pay attention,” he waved his hand.
Seryoga.   - They are in hexadecimal
the system is considered. It's more convenient for them.        
 At this moment at the other end of the table
Vanilla appeared again with a glass,
who squeaked:                        
 - For the parents of the young!                
 After which he drank again in one gulp and disappeared. 
 “What a proper toastmaster,” he admired
Papa Borya.  - This way he will get drunk earlier,
than the guests will miss the second one.          
 “He just doesn’t have enough experience,”
I stood up for Vanilla.               
 Then Aunt Lyuda asked Seryogin to speak.
Daddy playfully replied what the
fifty bucks he will give his word to someone
whatever.  Aunt Luda didn’t understand humor and
I reached into my purse for money, so
dad Bora had to say that the first
toast - free, at the expense of the establishment.    
 “I’ve known Serezhenka for a very long time,”
Aunt Lyuda began her speech, and in her voice
her tears were heard.  - Because itparents worked almost all the time
border for the benefit of our Motherland...       
 From the side of the fidosh table they heard
sobs. As it turned out later, it was crying
Vanilla, remembering his parents,
who never worked for any good
Homeland, not for the benefit of Vanilla himself.     
 - ... that’s why Seryozha almost all the time
he lived with me,” Aunt Lyuda continued. -
He always loved all kinds of technology! -
suddenly she shouted, and the fidosh table
immediately burst into applause.  -
Imagine,” Aunt Lyuda shouted, “
from two to four years old he only had
one favorite toy - ordinary
meat grinder!  He could take it apart for hours and
collect.                               
 - ABOUT! Just like I was in the army,” he inserted his
ten kopecks Uncle Yura, who until now
kept a low profile for a moment. - I could too
"Kalash" takes hours to disassemble and assemble,
until they accidentally pinched their finger.     
 - Did it hurt a lot?  - asked
daddy.                               
 “I don’t know,” answered Uncle Yura. - I
It was not himself who pinched it, but the political officer. He
I almost got shot. It's good that
I haven't fully assembled the Kalash.           
 “That’s when I thought,” the aunt continued.
Luda, what will the boy do?
technical line! He went!          
 - Hurray, Seryoga, let's go!
The fidosh table was having fun.- So let's drink to that, - from
Aunt Luda shouted with her last strength, -
so that their children love technology as much as
and their dad!                              
 The guests began to shout in unison and began
clink glasses.                               
 “I don’t understand,” said dad Borya, “what
dad? Me, or what?                        
 “She means Seryoga,” she explained.
I.                                      
 - Is he already a dad?  - inquired
daddy.                               
 “I guess not,” I said. - However,
as you understand, you can't be in anything
one hundred percent sure.             
 - Previously, I would have necked your neck for such jokes.
lathered it up,” said daddy. - But now,
alas, it is possible.  Now it’s already, - daddy
sighed, - not a joke at all, but a stern
truth of life.                           
 - Dad, stop being sad!  - decisively
I said.  - Let's have a drink and
eat a little. In the end, daughter
You got married, and not everyone succeeds. 
 “That’s also true,” said daddy,
sighed and drank.                       
 Then I noticed that
everyone drank drinking, but what about
the food was somehow not very good. If
in our area there was also some
relative variety of dishes, then
our relatives' table except for booze
(brought by Seryoga) there was only
severalbowls of Caesar salad
(this is the dish in this establishment
consisted of three lettuce leaves,
on which lay ordinary croutons,
sprinkled with grated cheese) and a couple of plates
with some kind of sausage that the guests dared
in the first two minutes. But on fidosh
everything was in order on the table. To the potatoes
nobody even touched it, because
the table was simply littered with simple, but
nutritious foods: sausage,
sandwiches, smoked chicken legs,
cheese and so on, and in some places even
bags from McDonald's were visible.
Fidoshniks acted wisely by uniting
their supplies, so they had a feast
mountain.   Just the look of a hefty one
Masta Man, who destroyed a huge
grilled chicken methodically
lawnmowers, immediately caused a sharp
attack of hunger. However, some of our
relatives from the starving half of the table
didn’t get lost, but went to the feeders
with a glass in hand, so that, they say,
drink, after which they stayed there and
took an active part in
destruction of food supplies.           
                                        
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track: NSH1                             
Wu: Macros     
---------------------------------------
                                        
 In front of the Elegy cafe, where it was supposed to
go through a wedding celebration, crowded
people.                                  
 “Oh my God,” I said, looking at it.
gathering - is there really no place for them inside?
was it enough?                                
 “Hardly,” answered daddy. - I'm in
There was this cafe, the hall there was quite large.
These are probably these... what's their name... Seryogins
fidoshniks.                              
 - Why aren’t they inside?   -
I asked.                     
 - Well, how should I know? - shrugged his shoulders
daddy. Daddy, Vika and I got out
from the car and began to make their way through
people in the cafe.                           
 “Listen, Green,” a conversation was heard
somewhere on the right.  - And this is not Seregina
is the bride coming?                           
 -“The devil knows,” came the answer.
Probably her.  It’s just not clear which
of these two.   They seem to both
cute, and in my experience a bride
it always turns out to be the one that is scary,
like a crocodile.                           
 - So the one in the black dress, -
The first vote decided.  - She's still for it
fidoshnik is getting married, so
mourning color is quite appropriate.         
 “Listen, Vic,” I said to my friend, “
they took you for a bride.                
 “And that’s right,” Vika answered. - I
I just decided today with Koshkin
break up.  Now I want love
programmer to understand how cool it is
or not cool.                           
 - Well, today you will have
“huge selection,” I delighted her. - Here
these programmers - like bytes in
kilobyte.                              
 - How... what? - Vika didn’t understand.       
 “Then you’ll understand,” I told her. -
Find                                   
 himself a programmer, and he gives you this
will teach you the secret language quickly.  You can in
talk to any crowd in such a way that no one
won't understand anything.  If, of course, -
I corrected myself, - there won’t be any in the crowd
programmers.                          
 “We agreed,” said Vika.  -
I'll choose the cutest one for myself.     
 “By the way, keep in mind,” she explained.
I - what are they thancooler, less
look presentable. This is the tradition.
 “Okay,” Vika waved her hand, “I’ll do it myself.”
I'll figure it out. Not small. We entered the hall
cafe, and then a whole crowd rushed towards us
very sumptuously dressed people.               
 - My God, - said daddy from behind
me.  - These are my damn relatives.
Almost everyone has arrived, wow!         
 I didn’t even have time to answer him,
because she was literally buried under
bouquets and packages with gifts, and when
this still had to accept kisses and
smile in response to congratulations.      
 “Vika,” I hissed to my friend, “quickly.”
drag Seryoga here, otherwise I’m not alone
I can handle it.                              
 “A moment,” Vika said and quickly
ran inside the cafe.  In a minute she
returned with Seryoga (he was in his
stupid green jacket) who stood up
next to me and began to serve as a tray
for gifts and bouquets.                 
 - So this is your fiancé?  -
distant Papulka inquired
relative Aunt Sofa, whom I always
hated it. Papulka, however, too.    
 “Nothing of the sort,” I answered.
trying to copy the snake smile of this
fools.  - This is my husband. us in the morning
got married in a small church for
angle.                                  
 - Like in a church?  - incredibly
aunt was surprisedSofa.   - Borya!   -
she turned to daddy, who was standing
behind us on backup. - Isn't he
Jewish?                                  
 “No,” I answered just as kindly.
He is a Zionist. It works in C.           
 “You know, Aunt Sofa,” he told her.
daddy, I have to disappoint you, but
there are not only people living on the globe
Jews.                                  
 - Yes, but they don’t marry ours.
“girls,” said this idiot.        
 - And I, Aunt Sofa, am not yours at all
girl,” I explained and began to choose
eyes a bouquet with which she could
light up if there is a conversation
continue in a similar tone.           
 - Well, okay, okay, - said the aunt
Sofa, why did you attack right away?  I
gave a gift, and immediately
pounced. I just asked. - And with
with these words the old cow, thank God,
moved somewhere to the side.               
 “Sorry,” dad Borya told us.
sad.  - I know she's an idiot. But
They don’t choose relatives.         
 “Well,” Seryoga told me sadly,
-Your family didn’t like me.           
 “Seryoga, dear,” exclaimed
daddy, - we like you - this
the main thing!  What if this one liked you
kpetuhke, I would strangle you with mine
with your own hands!                    
 Then I remembered how I spanked himall
today, and I felt sorry for him,
right to tears.  I violently grabbed Seryoga
under my arm and whispered:                  
 - You are the best in the world!   
 “Exactly,” he answered smugly, and
I dropped all these bouquets and gifts on the floor,
because I'm almost with my whole body
hung on his hand.                 
 “To hell with them,” said daddy,
when Seryoga rushed that was all
lift.  - Go to the hall.  I do everything myself
I'll collect it. Sergei himself took my arm, and
we went to the hall. And there... My God,
what a beauty!  Not only that, the whole hall
was decorated with some balls,
garlands, “rain” and the like,
but most importantly - on a hefty wall
on the side where the table stood
newlyweds, parents and witnesses,
hung a huge chic inscription "Ira +
Seryozha", made from some very
strange material.                    
 -   Like?   - asked shyly
Seryoga.                                 
 “Yes, yes,” I answered honestly. -
Honestly                                  
 Having said that, I'm just shocked. And from what
is this beauty made? Looks like some kind of
super modernist sculpture.          
 - She is super-modernist, -
Seryoga explained. - It took several
dozens of old IDE controllers,
motherboards, video cardsand all sorts of
other small things.  Mothers are mainly
double and triple, but there are several
fours and even a pentium mother,
which was donated by your friend Yura,
saying that he has nothing for you
it's a pity, and besides, the BIOS is scary
buggy.                                 
 “I don’t understand anything about this,”
I admitted, but that’s all it looks
just great. Honestly, I really
I liked it.                            
 “Well, thank God,” said Seryoga. -
At least I was pleased with something.                    
 “You’re my best,” passionately
I said and kissed Seryoga like this
with a lingering kiss that everything is around at once
decided that it was time for them to sit down at the table.   
 “Listen,” I asked him, while the guests
were seated, - why is the table like that?
strangely covered?  On our table and table
on the right there are some plates and
bottles, and on the table to the left - only
beer bottles and bags of chips.
What is this?                          
 “Well,” Seryoga explained, “we’re with
your father agreed that he
pays for half the table for yours
relatives, and I half for my
I treat my guests as I see fit.    
 “So what?” I asked, confused.
You shouldn’t treat your fidoshniks to anything
are you going, or what? This is not the point.       
 - Why am I not going? - shrugged his shoulders
Seryoga.  -Beer is also placed there
chips.  And they all bring the rest with
yourself.  An old fidosh tradition. It is necessary
had a choice: or I invite only
the most chosen ones, but I arrange
chic table, or I invite everyone
willing, but they are part of the table
provide for themselves. I can't do everything
Moscow Fido to hang on your dad.
There is already a table for your relatives
cost an awful lot of money.  Fifty
bucks per nose, and that’s without alcohol.     
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track: NSH1                             
Wu: Macros     
---------------------------------------
 -Well, soon? - asked Sergei. - I'm all in
impatience.  I've heard so much about her, but never
I've never seen it.                          
 “You’ll see now,” Vanilla promised. -
We're almost there. And indeed,
literally a couple of minutes later we went to
a very small clearing - not even
clearing, and a patch in the forest - in the center
which contained a rather strange
construction... A small mound of earth
was surrounded, like a fence, by shiny
CDs.  At the head of the mound stood
the building is somehow ancient and creepy
dirty computer. On the mound itself
there was an equally dirty keyboard lying near
which was missing a space and left
"Shift" keys.  I was in front of the computer
stick a light mouse pad on
which had many, many different
incomprehensible inscriptions, among which,
however, the same thing was repeated
phrase: "Hello, world!"   C
the other side of the mound into the grounda small one was dug in rather crookedly
a monitor labeled "IBM" on which
written in yellow felt-tip pen: "Game
over".                                  
 - And what does all this mean? - I asked.  
 “Total allegories,” explained
Vanilla.  - It is written on the mouse pad
the main computer spell on
ten programming languages.  Himself
the computer is deprived of a processor as a sign that
that the programmer's heart stopped. By
memory cards lie in the corners of the mound as a sign
that his programs remained in
people's memory.   Not on the keyboard
space and shift, showing that
nothing was alien to the programmer
human, and he also played games
to the point of death. I think it's flirtatious
Vanilla said, “it turned out nice.”
This is all my idea.                     
 “Great,” I said. - Especially me
I liked the keyboard without shift. Seryoga's -
exactly the same. I asked him what he
won't buy another one, but he said that he has already
I got the hang of pressing the belly button, so
and that will do.                           
 “Okay,” Vanilla said.  - It's time
start the ceremony... Friends! - said
Vanilla, and his voice trembled.  - I
I am deeply happy that on this festive
day our newlyweds decided to visit
this is sacred for every programmer
place.    After all, in this way they
show thatcontinuity
generations is preserved, and that the Unknown
programmers give their young lives
not in vain!                                 
 “I don’t understand,” I said. - What's there -
brotherly cemetery?                      
 “This is also an allegory,” touchily
Vanilla explained.  - Of course, there
no one is lying because all these
programmers, thank Connection, quite
still alive.  But they give away their young
life serving the people in the form of a computer,
and this has a pretty bad effect on health.
 “Yeah, I noticed,” I nodded.        
 “In short,” said Vanilla,
get angry, don't reduce your impression
moment.                                
 - I’m silent, I’m silent...                      
 “So, friends,” said Vanilla,
regaining its former pathos. - Let's
on this grave of the Unknown Programmer
Let's swear to give our whole lives for the bright ones
ideals of technological progress.          
 “Swear it yourself,” Vika snorted. -
Personally, I'm going to give my life for
completely different ideals.               
 “Listen, Masta,” said Vanilla, “us
they don't understand here. It's not clear why we
generally brought non-believers into this sacred place
place.                                  
 “Come on,” said Sergei. -
Personally, I am very glad that I visited here. A
then you buzzed all my ears with this
The grave.- Did you like it? - asked Masta.        
 “Rulez, definitely,” he answered briefly.
Sergey. - Great idea.                
 “Vanilla came up with all this,” explained
Masta.  - Once upon a time we were at the “River Station”
We drank beer, so somewhere after eight
liter, this idea was born to him.       
 - For some reason I thought that after
eighth liter,” I couldn’t resist.
Vanilla looked at me contemptuously,
but didn't say anything.                    
 - What kind of computer is it? - asked
Seryoga.                                 
 “386th,” Masta boasted.  -
Rarity.  That's why we chose this
a remote place so that no one steals it and
I didn’t violate the grave. Processor from
Vanilla personally tore out his mother, and we
buried under the computer.             
 “The fence needs to be sorted out,” quietly
Vanilla said, and his voice trembled. -
And the one here is all CDs with Windows 95. Already
there have long been others, no less worthy
versions.                                 
 - Fence made from counterfeit products -
“It’s funny,” daddy said.    
 - What products?  - simultaneously
Vanilla and Masta Man asked.         
 “Counterfeit,” daddy explained. -
The discs are pirated.                     
 “Well, of course,” said Vanilla. -
Why don't we stick licensed discs here?
shall we?  Then it will beincorrect by
towards the Unknown Programmer.
He's never used it in his life
no licensed discs.         
 - Clear principles?  “I respect you,” he said.
daddy.   - Okay, what next?
supposed to do? I hope Irka doesn’t need it
fall on the grave and start crying
Yaposlavny?                              
 - Yaposlavna's patch?  - got interested
Masta Man.  - Listen, Vanilla, again
cool idea - patch the grave.     
 “Masta,” said Vanilla, “give these
Let's discuss intimate things without strangers.
No crying,” he turned to
daddy, no need.  Each of us
grieves in his heart.  Young people
let them just take a photo, and then
That's it, we can go on salads
eat.                                 
 Here is Uncle Yura, who promised
carry out                               
 paparazzi functions, fussed and became
line up everyone gathered around
mound. The hardest thing he had was with
Vanilla and Masta Man, who started
depict a sculptural composition
and demanded to have their photograph taken
exactly like that.  When asked what exactly they
portray, Vanilla replied that this
the composition symbolizes twenty
first interruption. Daddy said that
even in his youth before this
number of abortionsno one came, but
received a sensitive elbow poke from
mommy and fell silent.                       
 And for the unfortunate Uncle Yura, what to do
shot, I had to climb a tree,
because the clearing was very small
and they all didn’t fit into the frame. But even with
tree completely the entire contingent
it was not possible to cover, so the picturesque
the composition of Masta Man and Vanilla remains
behind the scenes, which I personally am very
greeted.                         
 After the photo session Vanilla started
the grave needs a long speech, interrupted
sobs and screams: “Sleep well,
dear friend.  Game over!", but it’s for us
I'm already tired of the event, that's all
went to the cars.   Then again
I had to wait ten minutes for Mast
Maine and Vanilla (WD-40 agent in poksoponnyx
did not take part in the celebrations, because
that like a shadow followed Vika), who
returned, as they said, creepy
offended by the disrespect shown to
this holy place.                    
 Time before the wedding dinner
there was very little left, so all
We sent the people straight to the cafe, and I
went home to change clothes. Seryoga with
did not go with me, saying that he needed to
cafe to prepare a surprise for me.    
 “Listen,” I said at home to Buke,
who, like a faithful bridesmaid,
went with me, rejecting silentthe WD-40 agent calls not to leave him
society - only half a day has passed, but
I have a feeling as if this
The wedding has been going on for a week now.              
 “Ir, relax,” said Vika.
The hardest part is behind us. The main jitters
This is the morning preparation for departure and the registry office.
And you have already gone through all this. So
relax, crack some champagne,
change your clothes and let's go to the wedding
dinner.    What's there for dinner?
will something happen?    The main thing is that you are already
ringed.  So ahead - solid
entertainment.                            
 - Hello, girls, are you ready? - rang out
from behind the door the voice of daddy, who
was supposed to take us to a cafe.          
 “Dad, we want champagne,” capriciously
I said.                              
 “I have no doubt,” said daddy,
entering the room with a tray on which
there was a bottle of champagne and three glasses.
 -   ABOUT!   - I was amazed.  - You're right
wizard!                              
 - Didn’t you know? - asked daddy,
opened the bottle and poured the wine into glasses.
 “Well,” said Vika, “here’s to you, Upka.”
So that everything will be fine. I took a sip of mine
glass and sighed heavily.               
 - Ir, why are you sad? -
Daddy asked cheerfully.  - Everything goes
completely normal and even good.
Just think, an overlay with cars. Soafter all
everything was decided.   And the guys in general
cool.  I like this idea with the grave
I really liked the programmer. Pretty
original and something to remember.
Imagine if we went to
Lenin Mountains or to the Tomb of the Unknown
soldier?  Yes, you've been there a hundred times already. A
so, when they ask about the wedding,
so casually you throw out: “After the registry office we
went to pay homage to the grave
Unknown programmer "... People
I'll be stunned, honestly.                
 - So you think, - with hope in
I asked in a voice that it was nothing
didn't something terrible happen?                 
 - What kind of questions do you have? -
Daddy was indignant. - Everything is just super!
And you stop poking Seryoga at me. guy
he’s trying, he’s nervous, and you’re kicking him
completely.  Today is the wedding! Finish it
you're such a disgrace, otherwise I'm going straight at you
painful to watch.                        
 - Uncle Borya says correctly, -
Vika picked up.  - Remember my
Hamlet.    That's who the idiot was
rare. And yours is just a diamond,
not a guy.                            
 “Okay,” I said, “they persuaded me.” And
truly the most exciting
the moment is over, we got married, so
that now we'll go to dinner and we'll be
have fun. Papa Borya, there's more in the bottle
is there anything left?.. << previous                   
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---------------------------------------
Track: NSH1                             
Wu: Macros     
---------------------------------------
                                        
 The aunt realized that the groom is better now
not to touch, so I moved it to Seryoga
book for painting, pointed at
some kind of column, and he signed. After
I also signed this, out of the corner of my eye
noticing that Seryoga's count flaunts
cross.  But while I was writing
I had to press the bouquet to my chest, and he
stuck into the body that I already had
I don’t care if the signature is there or
anything else. But a note to myself about
I made the signatures, thinking that Seryoga
this cross will become bigger
zero.                                
 - Anow,” said the aunt, smiling,
Witnesses must sign.   Vika
she walked towards the table with a sedate step, but
she was almost hit by a rushing wild
a flock of witnesses from the groom's side,
who hurried to the treasured notebook.    
 - Only one can sign
witness,” the aunt announced nervously,
which is also not very well behaved
felt at the sight of something rushing towards her
direction of Masta man, on the sides
which Vanilla and WD-40 galloped.
The witnesses, breathing heavily, stopped and
They argued over who would sign.
Masta man suggested that this is right
was delegated to the most respectable of
them, Vanilla believed that he would sign
the smartest one should, but WD-40 suggested
play rock-paper-scissors. Auntie
I quickly got tired of this mess, she poked
pointer in WD-40 and told him to
signed.   Masta man and Vanilla co
they were offended by terrible force and returned
to the place and began to agree to do
WD-40 dark. And he came up to the table and
since then gallantly offered Buke
sign before him, before his aunt
reminded that a witness in any
In case, you must sign first.       
 After everyone has signed, auntie
invited us to come to a special
bowl where we were supposed to exchange
rings.   I vindictively thrust the bouquet
Vanilla, who is right therepricked by thorns
mentioned Bill Gates with a bad word and
began to thrust a bouquet of Masta to the man, and
headed towards the indicated
direction, but Seryoga pulled me
for the dress, I turned around, and he with the most
he said with an unhappy look that he had lost
rings... So that's why he was rummaging through
pockets during the entire ceremony!       
 “Serge,” I asked, “are you and
Is your head okay?  Rings after
I took my purchases and brought them here myself
I brought it.  They are already in the bowl, I have
their aunt took them before the ceremony began. 
 -  God!  - Seryoga exhaled, - what
happiness!   And I really thought that they
lost.                                
 - Young!   - my aunt started to lose
patience.  - Come here and exchange
rings.                               
 We approached the bowl, Seryoga took the ring,
grabbed my left hand and put on the ring
at her.                                 
 - What are you doing?  - I hissed. -
The ring should not be worn on the right one!        
 “The whole world is carried on the left,” whispered
Sergey. - And we will be on the left.          
 “Seryoga,” I became furious, “immediately
take the ring off your left hand and put it on
right                                 
 “I can’t,” answered this scoundrel. -
It can no longer be removed.                   
 Guests and witnesses noticed that the process
putting on ringsit's not going well
smoothly and began to whisper.              
 -  What's happened?  - the aunt was alarmed. -
Are the rings the wrong size?                   
 - Rings to size, - kindly
I smiled.  - It's just the groom's
our left and right are confused. U
he's completely off his head today
a little bit bad.                     
 “It happens,” the aunt calmed down. - U
I once had a fiancé with a frightened ring
pulled it onto the bride's thumb. All
The wedding was filmed.                       
 - Did they take it off? - Seryoga asked.     
 “In my opinion, no,” answered the aunt and
smiled, remembering this scene.  But
then she suddenly realized that all these
extraneous conversations reduce
the solemnity of the moment became serious and
asked to quickly put on the rings,
because it's time to end the ceremony.  
 I quickly grabbed Seryogin’s right hand
and pulled the ring onto his finger, not
listening to whispers that he will have a ring
worn on the left hand - in honor of everyone
other countries.                        
 “And now,” said the aunt, again
having tuned in to a solemn mood, - in
kiss as a sign of love and agreement.      
 Seryoga, stunned by the excitement he had experienced,
kissed me with such a lingering kiss,
that the daddy in the corner even applauded. 
 “Well, now,” said the aunt, “
witnesses and relativescongratulations
young.                                
 Seryoga's Trinity of witnesses again
rushed towards us in a dense compact
en masse, and I hid just in case
behind Seryoga's back.                      
 “Well, friend,” said Masta man, shaking
Seryoga's hand as if he wanted it
tear it off, like, congratulations and that’s it
such.  Then you'll tell me how it is
matter. Maybe I'll get married someday too.
 Vanilla was congratulating me at that moment. 
 “Natasha,” Vanilla said...           
 - Actually, my name is Ira, -
I said sarcastically.                  
 - What's the difference?  - not at all
Vanilla was embarrassed. - The main thing is you now
married to a great guy -
Stranger!                            
 - His name is actually Sergei.  -
I continued to insist on my point.       
 “No, dear,” Vanilla said and
smiled broadly. - His name is actually
Stranger. For you he was Sergei. You
get used to it.  Once married to a computer geek
came out, now we are all your family.      
 These words made me feel a little sick, but
at that moment he squeezed through to us
daddy who told Vanilla: "Hey,
small fry, get out of the way! ", after which
came to hug me and congratulate me. Then
Mommy threw herself on my neck and
whispered that I can always come back
back if Iit will be bad - like her
expressed itself - in the programming environment, and
She and I even cried a little. But
after that Vika came up with her
congratulations, and I immediately cheered up.
 The end of the ceremony was quite
decent.   There are no surprises
happened.  Seryoga, having found out that he was not
lost his rings, shone like a copper sheet and
accepted congratulations.  Uncle Yura got it
from my bottomless portfolio two
bottles of champagne and Masta man with
They were carefully opened with vanilla - in
auntie-bpachetnitsu and in the orchestra.      
 After that we were taken to a separate room,
where they showed a video of the wedding.  By
I demanded the end of the viewing
destroy the film immediately because
this scoundrel operator is very detailed
I filmed Seryoga rummaging through the whole ceremony
pockets and blushed, and how I poked
bouquet to Vanilla. Finally the whole company
went out onto the porch of the registry office...               
 “Look,” said Seryoga, from his face
whose wide smile never faded, -
even nature today rejoices at our
celebration.   Everyone looked at
cloudy sky and thought.     
 - What kind of nature?   - tactless
eBuka asked.   - Our nature is not
rejoices, but on the contrary - frowns.        
 “Oh, come on,” Sergei was offended. -
There is no romance in my soul. By the way,
when we entered the registry office, throughclouds
the sun came out.                      
 - What's wrong with him?  - quite loud
asked Masta man Vanilla. - About nature
spoke.  It's really bad with the guy, I
I'm worried.                               
 - Don’t pay attention, - just as loudly
answered Vanilla. - The guy got married, so
the roof goes on and on.                      
 “Listen, Vanilka,” she finally got angry.
I.                                      
 - Is the bouquet not enough for you?  I want you now
Uncle Yura's briefcase tpechy.              
 Vanilla, just in case, hid behind
Masta man's back.                       
 “Ale,” said daddy, “what the hell?”
quarrels during the wedding?  Let's drink
champagne.                             
 Everyone agreed to drink champagne, but
it turned out that while we were discussing
weather, trusted WD-40 agent
the remaining bottle, along with Vika
calmly finished it, discussing with her
some problems of their own.                 
 - What kind of wedding is this? - squeaked from behind
back Masta mana harmful Vanilla. -
They don't even give me a drink.                    
 I silently showed him my fist.            
 “Okay,” said daddy. - That's enough
there's a lot of crowding around the registry office.  We have up to
wedding dinner - two hours. Young,
choose where we’ll go: to the observation deck
platform or tomb of the Unknown
soldier?“I don’t care where,” I answered. -
Only we have nothing to go on.  Taxi
whistled, and in Deniskin's Ford I
I definitely won't go.                         
 “You offend me,” said daddy. - And this
what?                                    
 And indeed, right before the registry office
there were three clean and beautiful
cars: "Mercedes", "Audi" and "Volga".  
 - Did you demand it from work?  -
I asked daddy.                    
 “Of course,” he said. - Me too,
problem.                               
 “Just think,” muttered the offended
Seryoga's best feelings. - We could have
"Ford" to get there.                        
 “No problem,” I answered kindly.
I'll be very happy in a white dress
Convenient to change the wheel.                   
 Sergei pouted.                        
 “In short,” said daddy, “where?”
are we going?                                   
 - I have a cool bar nearby
I know,” Vanilla began, but he
interrupted Sergei.                         
 - We are going to the Tomb of the Unknown
programmer,” he said firmly. All from
surprises were numb, but the trio
witnesses approvingly pumped
heads.                               
 - Exactly! - Vanilla said. - How am I
didn’t you think it through?   Great idea!
A married programmer goes to his graveUnknown programmer.    A little
sentimental, of course, but who isn't there
he will cry - he is an inveterate cynic.       
 “Oh my God,” I said, coming to my senses. -
What, does this happen?                    
 “It doesn’t happen, but it does,” solemnly
Vanilla said.  - We've been there five times already
were.   By the way, it's very close
from here - in the park on the left bank
reservoirs.                          
 Daddy looked at me carefully
Please, decide for yourself.                       
 “Well,” I said, “let’s go.”
look at the Unknown Programmer. I
I've never been there. Is it at least civilized there? 
 “Well, how can I say it,” Seryoga hesitated. -
But let's pass - we'll pass.                    
 “Okay,” said daddy.   -
A programmer is a programmer.  By
cars.  We lost another three minutes
to persuade Deniska to leave
with his beloved Ford, which
during our registration I managed
It will rust by another five percent, after
Why did everyone settle in Papulkin’s?
cars and let's go. Seryoga and I were sitting
nearby in a Mercedes.                    
 “Well,” I told him, “here we are.”
got married. Are you happy?                     
 “I’m dragging myself,” Seryoga answered, but
there was no sincerity in his voice.         
 - What is it? - I asked.   
 - You're nagging me all over todayday, -
Seryoga complained. - The jacket is not for you
then the car is not the same, then the witnesses are not
those...                                   
 “Serezh, dear,” I was indignant. - But
if the jacket is not the same, the cars are not the same, but
witnesses - I don’t even understand what - I
Should I just keep my mouth shut, or what?      
 “Well, yes,” he said with conviction. -B
as a last resort - submit your
comments in writing.   By
e-mail.                               
 - What are you saying! - I exclaimed. 
 “That’s right,” Sergei nodded. - You don't
think, after our wedding I'm done
I'll put them in their places.  It's up to you
marriage it seemed that I could
twist the ropes.  And how do you make it out of me, -
Sergei got excited, - you’ll develop it!
I'm also a person, by the way!          
 “Eh, you’re confused,” I said, with
looking curiously at his
blessed.                           
 - Okay, let's leave this empty argument.
We'll sort it out after the wedding.  Not now
We'll spoil the holiday.                 
 “And we’ll figure it out,” he said defiantly.
My eyes were opened to many things.       
 “Congratulations,” I nodded. - In my opinion,
we have arrived.  And indeed - cars
stopped near the park.            
 - Where should we go, Susanins?  - asked
daddy after we got out
cars, looking at the compact forest mass,spread out before us.               
 “Here, follow me,” Vanilla fussed,
after which he ducked into an inconspicuous
at first glance the path.               
 “Serge,” I said, “are you crazy?”
Like me in a wedding dress and shoes
Shall I go through this windbreak?               
 - Come on, Ir, - not at all
he answered embarrassed.  - You're in a cafe
are you going to wear a red dress, because
right? And the shoes are different?                    
 “Well, yes,” I confirmed, “but I don’t
I understand...                              
 - So you'll never wear white again
life will not be useful, - triumphantly
said Sergei. - We're already married. And
dare to say that in my words there is no
logic.                                 
 - Well, are you going or not? - rang out
Vanilla's voice comes from somewhere in the thicket. I
looked Seryoga carefully in the eyes,
but he answered so pure and innocent
with a look that I thought - ah
really, why do I need this dress?
I won't need it today, but if I
If I want to get married, I’ll sew it for myself
other, so that nothing reminds me o
life with a programmer.  After that I
waved her hand and began to push through
the thicket behind Vanilla.                     
 - Wow, they hid the grave, -
grumbled daddy, making his way after
by me.- Why so far?                
 - So that no one disturbs his peace, -
Masta Man boomed, and in his voice
tears were heard.                      
 “I respect you,” said daddy. - But it’s better
it would be better to make it more civil
place, light the eternal flame and set
security.                                 
 - Listen, Vanilla, this is a thought! - stated
Masta Man to a friend.  - Test correctly
says.  We need an eternal flame on the grave
light up.                                 
 - How is this?  - asked
Vanilla.                                
 - Well, printouts from some
post unmoderated chat, -
explained Masta, - and replenish them every
week.                                 
 “It’s a sound idea,” Vanilla responded.
I'll have to think about it.                    
                                        
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Track: 'PAIN_&_TEARS'.MIDI///ASM'0397   
Wu:     
---------------------------------------
 Sergey again looked carefully at
trying to identify me by eye,
Whether he's being bullied or not, I
made a complete fool of herself and
she just batted her eyelashes innocently. B this
moment to the registry office with squealing tires
the ancient one really taxied
"Audi-100", from which three crawled out
some guys.  They looked very
picturesque and strangely reminiscent
the famous trinity
Bitsin-Mopryhob-Nikulin.  One of the guys
was quite large in size, and he
barely got out of the car, the second one was
very small and skinny, and the third
turned out to be quite normal in size, but
looked very mysterious because
wore big black glasses.              
 The whole trio moved decisively towards
Denis, who was still hanging around
porch, after which everyone began to press him
hand and shout to the whole street: “Stranger!
Finally!      After three years
dating!"...                         
 “Ale,” said Sergei, clearly
upset.   - Stranger is me.
2:5020/477.56.                          
 “Oh,” Vika told me in a whisper. -
Why are they calling some numbers?
What about criminals?- Why are these criminals right away?  -
I was offended for the fidoshniks. - Just
Their network addresses are designated by numbers.
Here they are better than each other in terms of numbers and
remember. They're mathematicians...        
 - What, the whole network of mathematics?   -
asked Vika.                  
 - All, - I said, - without exception.       
 Three new arrivals at this moment
greeted Sergei, clapped him on the
shoulder so that my beloved
our knees gave way and we rejoiced for a long time
expected face-to-face meeting.                
 “Sergey,” I said falsely affectionately
voice.   - Maybe you got me
will you introduce your witnesses?       
 “Yes, yes, of course,” Seryoga hurried.
and brought this strange trinity to me. -
Meet Ir, these are my close friends:
Masta man, Vanilla soup and WD-40 agent.
Masta man was the fattest, Vanilla
soup is the thinnest, and the agent is WD-40,
of course, there was the one in black
glasses                                  
 “Very nice,” I said, from
the brutality made a curtsey. - My name is
Ira.  Forgive me for the name
plebeian.  But I'm not on networks,
that's why I haven't got a cool one yet
alias.                            
 “Come on,” Masta Man said in a deep voice. -
We don't insist on nicknames.  me,
for example, you can call mineregular nickname
Stealth Fighter.  Vika is behind me
giggled nervously.                       
 At that moment the daddy approached the registry office
with Tmamulka, bearing quite healthy
bouquet                                  
 “Hello everyone,” said daddy. -
Shall we go get married or what?          
 “We’ll definitely go,” he confirmed.
Sergey. - So the witnesses have arrived.     
 “Hello,” the witnesses said in unison.  
 - Oh-oh!  - Daddy was pleasantly surprised. -
There are even more than two witnesses! This means marriage
no longer pactoprhyt under any guise.   
 “This is a bad omen,” decisively
Vika said, “to mention before the wedding
divorce.                                 
 “And to you, Bukycuk,” he said kindly
daddy who knew Vika right from the first
school class, - blather in my
no one was allowed to be present.          
 - Bob, come on, this... - suddenly surfaced from
in the back next to Uncle Yura, about whom everyone
forgot, - Don’t hurt Vika. She is
under my protection.              
 - There are still men in Russian villages,
Vika sighed. - Oh, Uncle Yura, if you
twenty years younger and Georgian - could
It would be a completely different mess to cook.        
 - Forgive me for interfering with this
touching dialogue - sarcastically
I said, “but we were already half an hour ago
should have been scheduled. Maybe
we'll still get into this damn thingestablishment, or better yet, let's chat here before
night, and then we just go our separate ways?        
 “Yes, yes, exactly,” Sergei fussed. -
It's time to go inside. Give me my bouquet, - s
with these words he took it from daddy
just bought a bouquet and stuck it
me.                                    
 Daddy opened his mouth to
declare your involvement in
the origin of this bouquet, but then
I remembered that Seryoga’s flowers died
in an unequal fight with his ass, so
closed his mouth and did not object.         
 I picked up the bouquet, Vika quickly
straightened my dress, and we solemnly
went to the registry office. True, the trinity of witnesses
immediately ruined our solemnity
minutes, because Masta Man and WD-40 in
Vanilla was thoroughly pinched in the door, and
he began to be indignant and swear somehow
by their fidosh gods, who will take revenge,
but daddy, who brings up the rear of our cavalcade,
quickly pushed the witnesses inside, and
the scandal was nipped in the bud.   
 It was also quiet and empty inside.  We
stood for about five minutes, looking around in confusion
around, but suddenly came out of the depths of the registry office,
yawning, some auntie.  Sergey quickly
ran up to her, called our names and
said that we came for
solemn wedding.          
 “No problem,” said the aunt to the thunderous
voice.  - Now we’ll write it inthe best
form.  Unless, of course, you have a receipt
lost.                               
 Sergei blushed and began to rummage through
pockets. Then I somehow immediately guessed
that he, of course, lost the receipt, and
Now they won’t write us down. However, the receipt
was found very quickly, after which there was
solemnly presented to my aunt.             
 “Well, that’s nice,” said the aunt. - We have
everything is fast here.  If you want, we'll write it down,
If you want, we'll divorce you.                      
 “We would,” said Sergei timidly, “
sign anyway.                   
 “Yes, for me,” the aunt answered simply, “for
drum: sign or divorce. I
I have proper command of the mechanism
carrying out any procedure.             
 - What a pretty woman, -
daddy said in a low voice from the rear
rows, and the aunt smiled flattered.    
 “So that’s it,” the aunt became serious. -
Those getting married go to the center.  Groom on the left
the bride is on the right.  Bride's witness -
to the right of the bride, the groom's witness -
to the left of the groom.                        
 “I have three witnesses,” said
Seryoga.                                 
 “Three are not allowed,” she said firmly.
auntie - Allowed - one.               
 “Today is such a day,” he interrupted again.
daddy and looked at his aunt for a long time
glance - when you can a little
break age-old traditions, right?
Aunt under himI immediately broke down with my gaze,
which, however, is not surprising, because
Saleswomen were always thrilled by daddy and
workers of all kinds of public institutions.
 “Okay,” said the aunt. - Let him
three witnesses walk to the left of the groom.
Just be careful not to trample the groom.  
 “Yes,” I confirmed. - Somehow not
I would like it to be trampled.       
 - Don’t worry, mom, I’ll go behind you.
Masta Man said in a deep voice to Aunt Masta.           
 “Well, that’s nice,” said the aunt. -
The rest of the guests should sit behind
getting married, and two minutes later -
let's start. I'll just prepare the orchestra, -
and the aunt ran away deep into the registry office.      
 -Have you ordered an orchestra?  - I asked
Sergei.                                 
 - Well, of course! - he was indignant. - Everything
it will be like people.    orchestra,
video shooting. Everything has been ordered and paid for.   
 “Well done,” I said.  - We will
hope everything goes well.   
 “Ir, don’t worry,” he said.
Seryoga.  - Everything will be in the best possible way. B
this moment didn't sound very good
harmonious sounds of Mendelssohn's march,
the huge doors opened, and
An aunt appeared on the threshold, putting on
some kind of hefty sign on
ribbon that stated:              
 - Married couples and guests are invited
inside the hall for the ceremonymarriages.                         
 “Let’s go,” said daddy.  - C
God.  I hesitated out of surprise
but vigilant Vika is quite noticeable
poked me in the side with her fist, I groaned and
took off with such speed that
aunt-worshipper walking ahead
us, got scared and jumped to the side.
In the hall for ceremonies we
Seryoga stood in a semicircle (I don’t know how
This is exactly what we did, but the semicircle
formed - this is an indisputable fact),
the witnesses positioned themselves behind us, and
The aunt drove everyone else to the window. B
corner a small orchestra made up of
poor students of the music school named after
Ippolitov-Ivanov, brutally torturing
Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" began
rape someone painfully familiar
pop melody, which is performed
this lonely hearts orchestra all the time
tried to transform into a hopak.    
 Seryoga, meanwhile, behaved somehow
strange. He blushed, turned pale and all the time
rummaged through his pockets with such ferocity,
as if he had a sharp aggravation
scabies.                                
 “Groom,” said the aunt sharply, who
has already taken her place at the table, -
stop twitching.  I'm not because of you
I can concentrate.                   
 “Sorry,” Seryoga said and froze.    
 “Well,” Masta man boomed from behind, “
at your weddingalready and fight
it is impossible.  What a terrible ceremony.  B
I will never get married in my life.         
 “No one will marry you,” he squeaked.
Vanilla.                                
 - Why is this still the case? - Masta was offended.    
 “Look at yourself,” he said.
Banilla.  - Just additional expenses.
You need three times more clothes,
than ordinary people. Need a bed at two
times wider and one and a half times longer.
The stern will go to you - like a platoon
soldier.   I'm not talking about intimate
aspect...                               
 - What about my intimate aspect? -
Masta perked up.                        
 “Nothing with yours,” explained the harmful
Vanilla. - But you can only marry
on a woman shot putter.
The others won't be able to stand you. Clean
physical intimate aspect. Any other
the woman will turn into a cake with ears...
 “Witnesses,” shouted the aunt, “
stop chattering! I'm doing the ceremony because of you
I can't start.                         
 Masta and Vanilla fell silent. Agent WD-40 and
so he remained completely silent, but he
kept looking at Vika, which led
her into embarrassment, full of nakedness
koketctba.                              
 “Dear spouses,” she finally began.
ceremony aunt.                        
 - What kind of marriage partners are these? -
squeaked from behindVanilla.  - Wow
name.                               
 “And I’m saying,” Mastaman said in a deep voice, “
terrible ceremony.   Poor Seryoga.
Poor friend who will soon be forever
will be lost to our society.      
 “Listen, witnesses,” I hissed. -
One more comment and you'll both get one
head with a bouquet.                          
 The witnesses fell silent.  But then I turned
attention that daddy brought quite
thorny roses that were wrapped in
thin plastic bag. At first
I didn't notice anything because of my excitement, but
now these damn roses have begun to feel noticeable
prick your fingers.   I tried
It’s more convenient to take the bouquet so that it’s not like that
pricked himself, but then the thorns dug in even more painfully
in the palm of my hand, and I almost squealed. A
Seryoga began rummaging through his pockets again.  
 “Today,” continued the aunt, “we
gathered here to
officially seal your union - union
youth, love and mutual respect.      
 - Seryoga, stop scratching your head.
after all!   - I whispered to my
to the faithful.    - It's already simple
indecent.                             
 “Yeah,” Seryoga answered absentmindedly and
began to rummage even more fiercely.          
 “Union of love,” commented from behind
Vanilla.  - I'll pay now. I'm with these
I always remember something in words
sad, like Windows 95...“Don’t cry, Vanilla,” Masta said in a deep voice.
Maine.  - Maybe they will get divorced quickly. I
carefully brought the bouquet behind her back and at random
lunged. Vanilla yelped from behind.    
 “And now,” said the aunt, “
the bridegrooms approach the table and
are painted.  The orchestra in the corner thundered
a strange melody that at first
was reminiscent of "Bo garden or vegetable garden", but
then it became clear that these were variations on
Stevie Wonder theme.                     
 “Seryoga,” Vanilla hissed, “no way.”
Why don't you subscribe? As a last resort -
put a cross. With a cross they are even in
they won't prove anything in court.  Seryoga and I
solemnly approached the table, and Seryoga
he sat down on a chair out of excitement, leaving me
stand.                                 
 “Groom,” said the aunt. - Maybe
will you give way to the lady?                 
 “No, really,” Seryoga said in excitement. -
I myself will marry Irka. I'm no lady
I won't give up my place.  Where should I sign?
Let me sign.                    
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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Track: 'PAIN_&_TEARS'.MIDI///ASM'0397   
Wu:      
---------------------------------------
                                        
 - My God, what is this?  - I asked
shocked.                             
 - Like? - Sergey smiled.        
 - What is this? - I repeated.              
 “Ah-ah-ah,” Sergei guessed. - Yes
"God" - is that me? Did you ask me?     
 “Sereg,” I went completely wild. - You tell me
Can you finally explain what THIS is?      
 “Our wedding crew,” explained
Sergei, on whose face appeared
a slight hint of anxiety. - What about you?
didn't like it?   I think it's quite
cool.                              
 “Yeah,” I said.  - That's it
cool                               
 so cool.  So we'll ride this
taxi?                                  
 “Well, yes,” confirmed Sergei. - But
Everyone will immediately understand that a wedding is coming.
Wait, I'm putting ribbons on her nowI'll pull it. I saved some ribbons.              
 “Stop,” I said. - What will he ride on?
the company of my parents and Uncle Yura?   
 “So these are the cars,” said Sergei,
waving his hand deep into the yard.             
 “Sorry,” I said. - I just don't
I realized that these were cars.                 
 And indeed, in the depths of the yard
there were three rattles hanging out, very similar
on the beer-moving monsters of mine
nightmares.                         
 “Just think,” Sergei became offended, “
you didn't like the cars.  Tell me
thank you guys for agreeing
work as cab drivers... Well, yes, cars
not very expensive. But they are fidoshniks,
students. Sorry, they don't have any money.
on a Ferrari.                           
 - “Ferrari” is not “Ferrari”, - absentmindedly
I said, - and in that mechanism there is clearly
"Ford T" is guessed.                   
 “Well, yes, exactly the Ford,” confirmed
Sergey.   - Denis is over five hundred
bought dollars.   Can you imagine how
lucky guy?  The car is even running.
Sometimes.                                 
 “Yes,” I said decisively. - Uncle
I'll put Yura there again, but here's his health
daddies and mommies I am not these tanks
I'll trust you.  They will go with us in a taxi. And
Vika too.                              
 - This will be five people, -
Sergei said confusedly. - We're not going there
we'll fit in.“We’ll fit in,” I said. - And you
you'll have to drive a Ford for five hundred
dollars.                               
 - Well, hello! - Sergei was indignant. -
According to ectapomy custom, the bride and groom
We're supposed to go together in a car.      
 - Ancient customs did not suggest -
I explained that the groom will not provide
crew to the bride's parents.               
 “I provided,” he tried to argue.
Sergey, but at this time one of the cars -
in my opinion, "Moskvich", although under stains
rust nationality of the crew
it was difficult to see -
jerked away, fired the exhaust
a trumpet, and it has something ringing
flew off. Sergei fell silent.              
 “Okay, honey,” I said decisively.
This is not the time to argue. Time to take it fast
solutions. We load into a taxi and go to
registry office  You're going there on one
of these cars, and the other two are driving behind
her, so that you’re still on at least one
arrived.  If all three fall apart, then
catch a taxi. Do you have any money?      
 “Yes,” answered Sergei and dejectedly
headed towards the Ford.                   
 We drove to the registry office almost without talking.
Only Vika tried to ask
where did the husband go, but received the answer that
my husband ate too many pears, and by my tone immediately
I understood everything.  Mommy and daddy too
everyone understood andquieted down. Only daddy
expressed slight concern for fate
his best friend Yura, whom
threw him into a Ford for five hundred dollars, but
Mommy said that Uncle Yura, how
journalist, there will be adventures only on
favor, after which daddy too
calmed down.                             
 There was no one at the registry office.  We are a little
sat in the car, but the driver said,
that he was hired only to get to
places, but he doesn’t work as a sleeping car
going. I had to get out.          
 - So that’s what bothered me all the way! -
Daddy was delighted, lifting him from his seat
some kind of package in a transparent package. 
 “Congratulations,” I said gloomily. - You
sat on my wedding bouquet. Only
this is no longer a wedding bouquet, but
some kind of pancake with spikes. Keep in mind, I'm with
I won’t go to the registry office with this nightmare.  I
The last time I punked was about three years ago and
Since then I've given up on this trend.     
 “Well, I didn’t know,” he was sincerely surprised.
daddy.  - I was told to sit down - me and
sat down                                    
 - And you didn’t even notice the bouquet, -
I said sarcastically.                  
 “I noticed,” daddy admitted. - But I
I thought there might be a tailcoat there
groom who needs to be smoothed out with his
body...                                
 I waved my hand hopelessly. And without it
incident it was clear thatfrom
nothing good will come of the wedding.   
 Vika and I stood at the glass doors
at the entrance to the registry office, and mommy and daddy
went to the metro to buy flowers
instead of an untimely death under
Dad's seat of the bouquet. Sergey s
the rest of the company never showed up. 
 “I have a very bad feeling,”
I shared with Vika, who
took advantage of the respite in the smooth
during the wedding celebrations in order to
to smoke.                         
 “Come on,” the friend responded,
who has never done anything in her life
took it seriously.   - That's it now
come, let's go get married, and then
Let's eat salad at the wedding. Relax, Ir.
Why are you upset?                   
 “Yeah, well,” I waved my hand. - Like with
everything went wrong from the very beginning, so
It's getting worse and worse.  Serega how
appeared at the door in bright green
jacket, so I realized that it was very
bad omen. I won't be surprised if
it turns out that either the registry office is closed and we are not
they will write it down, or a cutlet exploded in the cafe
and everyone was urgently evacuated from there, so
that there will be no wedding feast.       
 - Just think, things went awry, -
Vika snorted. - Remember my wedding.
This is where things go awry.
My beloved Hamlet is completely behind me
arrived drunk in the hollow. TOhim, you see
Lee, the day before my brother arrived with a tiny
a bottle of chacha that barely made it through the door
got through.                               
 “Yes, that was the case,” I remembered. - A
then they almost signed him with me.    
 “Bo-in,” Vika confirmed. - Are you still
remember how he did after the first toast
fell asleep in the salad. This was the wedding -
all weddings wedding.                  
 “It’s your own fault,” I said. - This is
Hamlet - he was completely wild.
I just came down from the mountains.          
 “But passionate,” Vika sighed. -
It happened that he would move his mustache, and how
will say: “I won’t give you up, Vic,” -
my heart skips a beat. - Well, yes -
I said sarcastically.  - Only later
it turned out that he had this ctpacthoctu
Enough for half of Moscow. It's good,
that you quickly divorced him.          
 - Divorced - well, divorced -
Vika said absently. - But I survived
a violent play of passions.   And now -
no excitement in life.                
 “Come on,” I said indignantly. - U
even this... what's his name... Mitya Koshkin.
Rich, smart, teetotal, businesslike,
beautiful,” I began to list. - Everything
the girlfriends were simply jealous.         
 “You see,” Vika sighed, “man
good for everyone, I won’t lie, but courage in
he doesn't.  Just now in a restaurant on me
another wild Hamlet fell out - inviteddance.  So what do you think, Koshkin
did?                                 
 - Shot him?  - I expressed my opinion
guess.                          
 - Right now, I shot you! - answered indignantly
Vika.  - He said: “Bikusya, baby,
dance with the boy, otherwise I'll
people need to communicate." This, you see
It was a business dinner.                   
 - Why are you indignant?   -
I asked.  - You are allowed
communicate with your beloved child of the mountains.
So I would have fun.                  
 “You might think,” Vika snorted, “
Koshkin will let something happen.
Dancing with wild Hamlet took place under
with the attentive gaze of Kolya and Vityusha,
Dimkin's guards.  You're just Vityushu
I've never seen it.  Under his gaze
every Hamlet starts very clean
speak Russian while dancing
Doesn't come closer than three meters.     
 “That is,” I summed up, “the rich.”
Are they crying too?                            
 “Of course,” Vika sighed and suddenly
I'm tired of it.                             
 - Why are you laughing, fool? - asked
I feel like I'm getting good again
mood: Vika and I were sad for a long time
impossible.                             
 - Yes, I remember how the first Hamlet
I went to all the lectures out of jealousy, -
Vika burst into tears, it’s so simpleI'm dying from
laughter.  I noticed his expression once
persons at a lecture on theoretical
mechanics, when Golderg spoke about
Coriolis acceleration, it's funnier
I've never seen anything in my life.  I'm alive
imagined the face of one who came down from the mountains
Hamlet looking at the long
equation, and I also felt very
funny.  And then Vika just started wanting
the whole street.                              
 - What else did you remember?     -
I asked, also laughing.       
 - I remembered how Koshkin played with me
into erotic games,” Vika moaned,
doubled over with laughter.             
 - How?                                 
 - He's seen enough of Nine and a Half
weeks,” Vika said, breathless,
and decided to depict something similar.       
 - Well?                                  
 - Well, he started rolling on my stomach
apple, depicting wild passion, idiot,
Vika squeezed out, having
Tears were already rolling down my cheeks from laughter.      
 - And what?                              
 - Nothing, - with all his might
Vika said. - He’s just for an apple
two minutes before the start of this strictly
I took the erotic scene out of the freezer,
so I first jumped a meter
two, and then she fucked him properly
pillow.  Mitya was offended and said that he
he lost his sexual mood. U
him...sexy... mood... How
I’ll remember his face... - and then Vika
hung on the railing exhausted.         
 I also laughed so hard that I almost
fell from the porch of the registry office. No, with Vika
You definitely won't get bored!                   
 At that moment I drove up to the registry office
a cavalcade of three carriages that
Sergei, in a moment of absent-mindedness, called
cars, and I immediately became tired of
laugh.  Sergei crawled out of the Ford with
Uncle Yura, and this is where I started to feel sick
most definitely.                 
 - My God, what is this? - I moaned,
looking at their smeared suits and
dirty hands.                           
 “The wheel got punctured,” he said cheerfully.
Sergey.  - Literally two hundred meters
From here they grabbed the nail. So I had to
make an emergency replacement.   
 - Upka, I swear, like in Formula 1, -
Uncle Yura boasted that he has a dirty
a stripe ran through his entire round
face.  - Twelve minutes and twenty-two
seconds for me to die!                   
 “Uncle Yura, be quiet,” I said imperiously.
We'll deal with you later.  And you?  -
I turned to Sergei.  - Where are you going?
useful?   Look who you are now
similar? How to clean it all? Why this
Denis couldn't change the tire?  He's the same
driver.                               
 At that moment Denis got out of the Ford. ANDthen I understood why Denis couldn’t
change the wheel. This guy was like that
graceful physique, that for a change
wheels like Denis needed
five pieces, no less.                   
 “You see,” Seryoga explained. - Denis
violinist He shouldn't hurt his fingers.    
 “And the grooms,” I smiled radiantly,
is it possible?                                 
 “Damn, Ir,” Sergei was indignant, “why?”
have you been nagging me all day today? To
you didn’t like the jacket, then the car, then
the wheel could not be changed!  You don't
started carpentry work too early,
huh?  The honeymoon hasn't started yet, but...
I already have a very bad feeling.     
 “For me they are even worse,” she said gloomily.
I.                                      
 “Hey, newlyweds,” Vika intervened. -
What kind of decadent mood is this? 
Come on, march to the registry office for painting!          
 “We have to wait for the parents,” she said.
I. n “And my guys,” added Sergei.  
 - Which guys? - I became interested.   
 “Acquaintances,” Seryoga explained. - They
must come to the wedding.
They promised.                                
 - Why do we need guys at the wedding?
I asked.                             
 “You’ll see,” Sergei answered briefly.   
 “Wait,” I said carefully.
feeling that in my head I already have
everything got mixed up.  - So, before
registry office after allthere will be a demonstration
Linuxoids?  All sorts of red riding hoods and
Mandryki?                               
 Sergei with a completely amazed look
looked at me.                      
 “Ir,” he asked carefully, “are you
Did you drink anything before leaving? What
Linux demonstrations?     What
"Mandrakes"? What's wrong with you?               
 “I drank,” I admitted.  - But yesterday
in the evening. Okay, never mind. Time
there will be no demonstration, that means everything is in
ok. Just tell me who we are waiting for and
why?                                  
 “We are waiting for my witnesses,” he explained.
Sergey.                                
 - What witnesses?  - I was surprised. -
Isn't Denis going to be your witness? 
 - Give me Denis as a witness, -
Vika became worried. - I have never
there was no boy who could
violin.  They are so thin and long
fingers...                             
 Denis, standing next to the porch,
flushed like a poppy.           
 “Denis,” explained Sergei, “still
small.  And that’s not why he became flushed
what did you think, but because he
thought you were thinking something about him
not that.                                  
 “Very informative,” Vika noted. 
 “And as witnesses,” Sergei continued, “
I invited three of my closest ones
fidoshnyhfriends.  I had to do all three
invite because otherwise there would be
resentment for life.                     
 “I see,” I said, although I still
nothing was really clear. - How
Do they even look like your witnesses?   
 - How do I know?  - shrugged his shoulders
Sergey.                                 
 - What do you mean?                            
 - Ir, well, I told you about Fido and
o how we communicate over the network.      
 - Well?                                  
 - What?  So I’m already talking to them
three years, but never one of them alive
didn't see them. Let's meet at the wedding
Sergey explained.                        
 “Hmm,” Vika said thoughtfully. - Here
This is what I personally call real masculine
friendship.  Romance of the electronic age,
so that I die.                          
 “Be quiet,” I told Buke.  -
I feel like I’ll soon die here from
these surprises.  “Serge,” I asked
your beloved, - why are you
never seen it?                       
 “They are from other cities,” explained
Sergey.                                 
 “And we’ll wait here,” she continued.
I'll find out - while they are from these cities
will they come?      One is probably from
Vladivostok, another from St. Petersburg, and the third
from Kamchatka?                             
 “No,” answered Sergei. - They're not like that
they live far away.  Two ofBalashikha, and one
from Mytishchi.                               
 “Other cities are cool,” said Vika.
Already one and a half kilometers from Moscow.  Well
then, I hope they are still there today
They will drive up to the registry office.                       
 - They will be there any minute, -
Sergei promised. - One has a car.
 - Probably a Ford for five hundred bucks? -
I guessed.                           
 “Ir,” Sergei grimaced offensively, “well
why are you so malicious today?
Why does it have to be Ford?  Why for
five hundred bucks?  At Masta Man, between
by the way, cool "Audi-100".  He's for her
In my opinion, I definitely gave it away.          
 - Hmm... Am I worthy to stand then?
next to such a person? - I doubted.
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track: 'PAIN_&_TEARS'.MIDI///ASM'0397   
Wu:      
---------------------------------------
 It wasn’t Seryoga in white who stood behind the door
tuxedo, and Vika is my friend, whom
I invited you to be a witness at
wedding                                
 -  God!  - I said, looking at her
all eyes.   - Something happened
scary?                               
 “No,” Vika answered carefree,
entering the apartment.   - It's just me,
firstly, she was sick, and secondly,
overslept.  That's why the hairstyle turned out
to be honest, not a fountain.                 
 “Bukycuk,” I said.  - Business,
of course, yours, but appearance
witnesses indirectly throws
shadow and on the bride.  Your hairstyle
It turned out to be quite a fountain.
Bakhchisaraysky.  But I'm not sure
a young pretty girl like you,
I should wear this fountain on my head.    
 “It’s a bullshit question,” she waved carefreely.
Vika's hand, which is of no use in this
I didn’t take life seriously. - Now
Let's fix it.  Don't want tofountain - let's do it
"square". By the way, my dear, I owe you
notice that you yourself look like that now
whether to the boatswain of a pirate ship after
capture of another city, or
the owner of nputoha.                
 “I know,” I said sadly. - This is
we just played until three in the morning yesterday
games for young schoolchildren.  
 - With Seryoga? - Vika was surprised.         
 “With Yura,” I answered.  - And with
daddy.                              
 “Well, mother, you are strong,” she said cheerfully.
Vika.  - Okay, give me a hairdryer, I'll go.
adjust your hairstyle.                
 Having received what she required, Vika retired to
the bathroom, and I rushed to clean up
pre-launch makeup.                   
 Last twenty minutes before departure
There was absolute bedlam in the house. Daddy
rushed back and forth around the apartment, being
in a continuous search for his cufflinks, and
screamed like a crocodile being processed into
handbag.  I ran back and forth, putting on
dress and waving off mommy,
who tried to hackpacutb me alone
eye.  Vika ran back and forth, demanding
I use either hairpins or a styling brush
hair, then lipstick to match the color of the pattern on her
silk scarf. Only Uncle Yura is going nowhere
ran, but just sat calmly on
kitchen, drinking coffee, and reading a newspaper, than
caused a terrible irritation for everyone
those present.Finally everyone was more or less prepared for
leaving.  I even managed to build
some kind of veil, elegantly covering
consequences of night school games though
initially no veil
was planned.   Ten minutes family in
fully assembled stood at the door, waiting
hear the call from Sergei, who has arrived
with the wedding crew, but still no call
was distributed and not distributed.   I,
Of course, I blurted it out just in case
him home, but no one came there.
Tired of waiting at the door, we went
to the kitchen and began to nervously drink coffee.      
 - Somehow we can’t see our groom, -
Vika said tactlessly, loudly
sipping coffee.                       
 “He’ll be here now,” I answered gloomily.
internally suspecting that no one
won't come anywhere.                      
 “I’m nervous,” dad announced to everyone.
Borya.  - And when I’m nervous, I can
Spill coffee on your tuxedo.                
 - The coffee is black and the tuxedo is black, so
no big deal - I noticed it reasonably
mommy.  - You, the main thing, are on your shirt
Don't spill anything.                       
 - Ir, I came up with a cool idea!
Uncle Yura spoke up.  - If your
the sectarian won't come, marry me
married  Otherwise it will be somehow inconvenient,
if the guests arrive and there is no wedding.
Bob probably paid for the table anddrink.
Why should the table be wasted, not to mention
o drinking?  - Uncle Yura burned himself. -
Besides, I'm an old friend of your family!
Bob,” he turned to dad Bora. -
Do you want me as a son-in-law?            
 “Yurt,” said Papa Borya gloomily. - I
trying my best not to spill coffee on
a snow-white shirt, and you’re like that to me
you say the words.  Drink your coffee and don't
chat while eating.  Are we in vain?
Yesterday we played in junior school?
What is the main law of a pioneer - “when I
I'm eating, I'm deaf and dumb!                      
 - You see, Uncle Yura, your dad doesn’t like you
approved,” I poked him. - I really don't
I'm saying that you are old to me,
pot-bellied and with creepy bachelors
habits.  But all this is not a problem, but
the fact that your dad didn't approve of you - through this
I cannot transgress. Sorry, uncle
Yura, our wedding will never happen. Full
you, as they say, are out of luck.   
 - And in this house I spent the night? -
Uncle Yura exclaimed pathetically. - With these
I shared bread and bed with people, and they
how they bully an old patient
human!                              
 - This is about your tenth night in this
home,” said daddy, sipping
coffee.                                   
 “The fourteenth,” she corrected him.
mommy. - But no one is counting.     
 “Uncle Yuri,” suddenly interrupted
conversationVetch.  - Marry me. What
Upka to you?  She's too serious and
her requirements are very high. Besides,
This programmer is the light in her window.
She has a crush on programmers.  This is
probably something genetic. Here I am
Vika smiled flirtatiously, - I love you
mature men.  Like you. By the way, you
how much do you earn?                  
 “Well,” Uncle Yura smiled flattered, “
not so much. Honestly speaking, here
For some reason Uncle Yura was amused, -
quite a bit.   I'm just not yet
freelancer.                             
 “You’ve been a freelancer all your life,” he added.
Papa Borya.                              
 “But they promised to hire me,”
Uncle Yura explained. - In about five years.    
 “I see,” said Vika. - Well then
my proposal is withdrawn.  Uncle Yura
pouted, but at that moment it rang out
doorbell.  I was sitting like that
needles, so I didn’t even remember how
ran from the kitchen to the front door.
Opened the door and... Standing on the threshold
Sergey!                                 
 My God! What a look he had! Which one
the hell with a white tuxedo? His trousers
True, they were normal black,
but the jacket...                            
 - Why the hell are you wearing a jacket?
poisonous green?  - I asked
in a hissing whisper, because I didn’t want to,to be heard in the kitchen.           
 “Well,” Seryoga was upset. - And I
thought you'd like it.             
 - How can I like something like this?
jacket?  - I was horrified. - And why, tell me
By the grace of you, you put on this huge
a black butterfly with gold sparkles? You don't
Do you realize that you look like a clown? With us
Today is the wedding!  WEDDING, understand? And not
first evening at the arena!                  
 - Why are you bursting out, I don’t understand, -
Sergei was completely upset. - In my opinion,
very cool.                        
 “Cool,” I agreed. - For
circus arenas. But not for a wedding. Therefore
you only have two options. The first one is you
urgently looking for Svetlana Kohereh and
marry her.  Second - you're like a bullet
fly home, change into that
the suit we bought for you, and after
ten minutes - no later! - you call
the door of my apartment.  Third option -
you can go in this green
walk through the swamps in a jacket. Maybe you
The Hound of the Baskervilles will bite you on the thigh. C
I slammed these words angrily
the door is right in front of his nose.            
 “Ir,” came from behind the door. - This is
There are already three options, and you promised two. I
stood for a while, listening to him
will do, but after half a minute
steps were heard on the stairs, and behind the door
it became quiet.   I hoped that he
I went anywayhome, not to Svetlana
Kohereh, so I went to again
kitchen.                                  
 - Who was it there? - asked daddy. 
 - A neighbor came for salt, -
I answered calmly, because I
I didn’t want to dedicate my family to
your family affairs.                     
 “I didn’t even know,” said the mischievous uncle
Yura, licking a spoon from under the jam, -
that nowadays you can’t come to buy salt
green jackets.                       
 But I gave him such a look that
he quickly fell silent, and this topic was no longer discussed
raised, but threw all his strength into
to produce auspicious
impression on Vika. And she laughed at
all throat, listening to the chatter of this eternal
freelancer, what Uncle Yura made of
completely wrong conclusions that Buke
I liked him.   Actually Vika
I laughed whenever and at anything. 
 Ten minutes later it rang again
doorbell I'm completely doomed
I went to open it, opened the door and... On
Sergei stood on the threshold, dressed in the same
the suit we bought him. True,
the white shirt under the jacket was with
gilded buttons, but that's still
could be survived.  The main thing is he
put on a regular black bowtie without
all sorts of tricks.  So now it was
It’s not a shame to go to the registry office.          
 -  Here you go,- I said. - That would be right away.
And it almost gave me a heart attack
enough.                                 
 - Keep in mind, - extremely gloomy
Sergei said in a tone, “what’s your mood?”
I'm spoiled for the whole day.  I am so
tried to make an original costume, and
You completely screwed me over.   
 “Don’t worry, darling,” I said. -
I just wish you were in the civil registry office
form.  You can do whatever you want at the feast
put on a jacket. At least yellow.             
 - I don’t need yellow, - everything is the same
Sergei answered gloomily.  - I need
green.                                
 - Okay, baby, green, -
Aya agreed. - At least blue. But we're in
Shall we go to the registry office?                            
 “Let’s go,” Sergei answered sadly. -
The wedding crew is waiting below. But
keep in mind that you are mine for the whole day
spoiled the mood.                   
 - Darling, I’ve already heard and realized this.
the depth of one's own moral
“falls,” I said patiently. - But
if you say the word o again
my mood, then I'll tell you everything
o my mood, o your green
jacket and what I did
half an hour for which you were late. AND WHERE
MY FLOWERS?!?   WHY DID YOU APPEAR WITHOUT
FLOWERS?  - I screamed because my nerves
were already completely at their limit.         
 - Flowers in the car, - scaredSergey. -
I’ll bring it now,” and he quickly ran
down the stairs, forgetting about your bad
mood.                             
 I shouted for him to wait for us
downstairs, returned to the apartment and
She commanded everyone to be ready, number zero.
Uncle Yura tried to linger,
so that, as he said, he could finish his cup of coffee,
but I quickly explained to him exactly where
now there will be this unfinished cup,
if he's not there in two seconds
below. My threat had an effect on the others
due impression, therefore through
in about ten minutes we've all already
went downstairs. And in the yard...          
 Honestly, after this stupid
sleep I was ready to expect everything
anything, but not a yellow taxi with
a luminous sign on the roof, on which
In red paint was written: “Ira +
Seryozha = ?".                            
                                        
                                        
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Track: 'PAIN_&_TEARS'.MIDI///ASM'0397   
Wu:      
---------------------------------------
                                        
 However, I immediately forgot about the strange
Seryoga's behavior, because we are with such
We went to the registry office with pomp, who noticed us,
in my opinion, all of Moscow.  Yurina military
the car occupied two or three rows at once,
and everyone gave way to her, cautiously
looking sideways at the hefty barrel ahead and
several missile launchers on the left and
starboard side.  Moreover, around us
these strange ones were circling all the time
cars that crowded near my
entrance, so almost everything
traffic was blocked by our motorcade,
and we rode like a prime minister or even
president.                              
 I asked Seryoga what this is
cars, he explained that he was coming to us
the wedding was attended by fidoshniks from all over
ends of the country, and fidoshniks pay nothing for
They don't like to buy money, that's why they buy cars
they do it themselves. There is only one very
a rich fidoshnik, Seryoga explained, is
Yura, that's why he drives a "Xammepe" (this
the military machine was called, it turns out,
"Hammer"), and everyone else makes their own
cars, who cares.           
 ANDindeed, in each of these
strange cars were guessed
pretty mundane ingredients.  One
the machine was riveted from empty beer halls
cans, the other was clearly glued together from cardboard
printer paper boxes,
the third machine was generally composed of
old computer cases. But the most
That wasn't what was interesting! I still can't
I could understand what these guys were driving
cars, because none of them
smoked, but from all the cars
some strange white thing fell out
foam.    However, I very quickly
I guessed that all cars drive
beer!  After all, fidoshniks will not buy
gasoline, and they drink beer from morning until
evenings, that's why the machines work
exclusively on beer.   All these
I expressed my thoughts to Seryoga, he
looked at me kindly and said that
I'm absolutely right, and he's very glad that
no mistake in my mental
abilities.  At that moment Yura did
a festive shot from all the rocket launchers,
fidosh cars rushed in all directions
different sides, and I saw that we
We are standing in front of a huge marble building.
Sergei explained to me what it is -
Griboyedovsky registry office, why I am very
I was surprised: a couple of years ago I was in it,
and then this building didn’t seem to me
so huge. But Sergei said thateverything seems perfect at your wedding
to others.                                 
 At this moment the music started and in front of
columns began to pass us
demonstrators.  Seryoga and I stood up
car at full height (Yura
prudently opened the top
armored hatch) and began to wave
to demonstrators. First passed in front of us
column of fidoshniks: they were all dressed in
jeans and sweaters, drank beer, threw
empty cans and carried posters with
with the inscriptions: “Crush the glitchy Fastex!”,
"Squish is a scary dog", "Annoit -
write a plain!"   and "Give yuyuki on
Backbone!"  Seryoga they are happy at first
waved but then got empty
with a can in the forehead, offended and waving
stopped.   After that with incredible
the column walked away looking bored
unidentified young people with
long hair.   They were all
connected to each other by some kind of wire,
like climbers during an assault on the summit,
and in their hands each of them carried an instrument,
similar to pliers. Sergey said,
that these are network administrators, so
we should greet them with a special
cordiality.      However, network
administrators do not respond to our greetings
didn't pay the slightest attention, but just
walked sleepily in front of
car and disappeared around the bend.
Someadministrators during
the movements of the column suddenly began especially
yawn heavily, and then fall asleep completely
and fell on the asphalt, but continued
dragging behind a column on a cord. Here I am
I realized why they were all connected by one
wire.                               
 After the column of network administrators
suddenly a column of grannies appeared from
Ceperuhoro at home. Here we immediately perked up,
because the grannies were dancing and waving
with a veil and sang obscene ditties. We
they immediately started clapping and singing along, and Yura
fired a couple of times from a big cannon,
playing along with the grannies.  Last to go
a column of very serious young people in
formal suits, each of which
there was a small red one on the head
cap. They walked silently in formation and printed
step.  "Eagles!"  - said Seryoga, who
He immediately stood up and saluted.
The young people turned their heads to Seryoga and
They also saluted.                      
 - Who is this? - I asked quietly.          
 “Linuxoids,” answered excitedly
Seryoga, and a tear flashed in his eyes. -
Do you see how smoothly they go?  None
will fail! Red berets - one word! 
 - Why red berets?   -
I asked.                    
 “This is the form,” Seryoga explained. -
Linux devices - they are also different. Here
these red berets are the most durable and
the mostcorrect.                       
 At that moment the following one appeared
column, also consisting of young
people, but these were already dressed in various
exotic costumes of bright colors and
carried with them all sorts of pipes and
drums.   However, this column
printed the step, although not as clearly as
red berets.                         
 “What I was talking about,” Seryoga explained.
These are also Linuxoids, but only
Mandreykovites.  See they're brighter
play all sorts of squeakers and whistles,
but the step is not printed so clearly. Alone, out there
I even fell, although I immediately got up.       
 “Everything is clear,” I said. - And the last one
a convoy of disabled veterans will march
on crutches that will fall on
every step, and even three of them
there will be no way to lift your fingers
possibilities.   So they will lie around,
waving the blue flag of surrender,
until they recover and get up.
Did I guess correctly?                 
 “Quite,” he answered, very pleased.
Seryoga.  - I see communication with me is on
You were influenced extremely favorably.
However, you guessed wrong. Vinduzyatnikov
won't happen today.   I decided that
there is absolutely no need to spoil our
wedding... But at this moment huge
the bronze doors of the registry office opened,
a very serious aunt appeared on the threshold,
who said:- Ir, how long can you sleep?  All
You'll sleep through the wedding! Get up quickly! Yura from
I was terribly frightened by these words and began
press on the buzzer, which for some reason does not
buzzed and crackled like a doorbell
our apartment.  Everything is mixed up for me
head, because I suddenly thought that
It’s Seryoga ringing the doorbell again, so what?
I need to get ready again and go to
wedding...                              
 Opening my eyes, I saw my mother,
which shook in front of my ringing nose
alarm clock and begged me to get up.
Damn dream!  I'll dream about something like this! Although,
I won't lie, Seryoga in a white tuxedo
I really liked it.                   
 I had to tear my cracking head away from
pillows (a lot is good - also not good, but
Yesterday I obviously overdid it with Chianti),
with an incredible effort of will to lift everything
body from bed and go at least
somehow put myself in order, because
what was left before the ceremonial departure
less than two hours.  It's good that
Mommy jumped up before dawn (she
was going to clean my wedding
dress from Papulka's valerian) and
I heard that I didn’t react at all
to the alarm clock.  And then I after all these
nightly riots I would have slept through everything in the world.
 However, when I got to the bathroom and
carelessly looked in the mirror, then immediately
I regretted thatactually woke up and
got up. It would be better if I died in my sleep
or sleep through the lethargic sleep of days
five for the face to return to normal
outlines.  And so... From the mirror at me
looked like a typical boatswain woke up
in the morning after a week-long party given
in honor of the looting of wine cellars
captured city.                    
 I had to resort to the whole
arsenal of all kinds of restorative
appearance of the means: contrast shower,
compresses, creams and so on, so that
remove the features of a spree boatswain from my
faces and become at least like the older one
warden of the women's colony. True,
They didn’t let me take care of myself for long.
Courageous mommy developed a violent
activity and for some time
for half an hour I managed to wake him up and get him up
Uncle Yura and daddy. And if uncle
Yura, accustomed to bachelorhood
alive, jumped up quite cheerfully, then
daddy, as usual, had to be raised
with the help of heavy artillery: blackmail,
persuasion, subtle flattery and rude
affection.                                 
 After that, Uncle Yura came into the kitchen,
sat down on a chair and thought about his
life - at the same time he was terribly
looks like a poodle that has been beaten for a long time
dusty pillow, - and daddy became
actively rushing to the bathroom, and he and I
a whole scandal broke out: Iclaimed
what do I, as someone getting married, do today?
additional time is allowed
bathroom, and daddy yelled that I
must respect old age, therefore I must
immediately put into the hygiene block
veteran of a night of drinking with Uncle Yura -
Papa Borya.                              
 We had yesterday's pasties for breakfast,
because mommy killed two hours for
my dress and didn’t have time to do anything
cook.  Not in a wedding mood
no one had.  Even for me.  Everyone
I wanted only one thing: to drink coffee with
cognac and go to bed.  Honestly
speaking, I have already born a seditious
the thought that it would be nice Seryoga
overslept or the registry office called and said
that there was a bomb - then it was possible
calmly postpone the wedding until tomorrow, and
now lie down and sleep a little, but only
I was going to persuade Uncle Yura to commit
sabotage phone call, like
the same doorbell rang,
who haunted me in my dreams...      
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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Track:  WHAT I MUST DO ? /FILL MELANCH 
Wu: STEREO EXP-T 10.10.2001 D.J.CAT     
---------------------------------------
 “That’s it,” answered Uncle Yura, carefully
looking at a book.                         
 - What's the point?  - asked
daddy.                               
 “Who knows,” answered Uncle Yura. - Not me
this collection was compiled.  Well,
let's play?                         
 - Yurets, you've had too much to drink, -
Papa Borya said decisively.  - Where am I
looking for two boys for the night
I’ll take it, and even with their partners?       
 “Bob, you’re not moving in,” said my uncle.
Yura.  - Boys - it's you and me. Under
partners mean the same
boys.  That is, you put your hands on
my shoulders, and I put my hands on your shoulders.
Moved in?                                 
 - All this is very difficult for me, -
dad admittedBorya, but I'm ready
follow all your instructions.
 “Okay,” Uncle Yura nodded. - Get up
and put your hands on my shoulders. Daddy with
Uncle Yura stood up and put their hands on each other
on a friend's shoulders.                         
 “Now,” Uncle Yura commanded, “
We walk around the apartment and shout:
"Ice cream"... I must say that
they didn't manage to play ice cream
right away.  The fact is that with such a pose
one of the "boys" must certainly
was walking backwards, but neither daddy nor uncle
Yura cannot become such a boy
wanted.  So first daddy times
two fell under the powerful pressure of Uncle Yura, but
then it was Uncle Yura's turn, when
daddy realized what was going on and moved on
on the offensive.   However, they should fall
got tired of it pretty soon, so they
decided to move sideways and by some miracle
got out into the corridor, after which they began
already rushing around the entire apartment, roaring
in a wild voice "ice cream" than to death
scared the parrot Baklanov.               
 Then Uncle Yura demanded that I
Mommy played ice cream, and we
I had to obey, but daddy
Uncle Yura was unhappy with this
solo performance and stated that we
You'll have to train for five years first,
and only after that we can compose
at least some competition to their brilliant
duet. After that, daddy and uncleYura
it became crowded in our apartment, and they
let's go play ice cream in the staircase
cell where they called everyone's apartments
neighbors and offered "ice cream". We are with
Mommy thought that now someone
will call the police, but Uncle Yura
prudently took with him
bottle of champagne from which he poured
everyone who wants to treat themselves to ice cream.
There were a lot of people interested.  Percent
eighty of them later ended up in
our apartment, and their uncle Yura
invited me to my wedding.            
 I don’t remember what happened next very well.
I only remember that we also played
"firemen", "woman walked into the water",
"telephonist competition" and "otkycu
apple."  B "firemen" came up with the idea of playing
Uncle Yura, and if mommy hadn’t quickly
found in the collection "water woman"
went," then the curtain would have burned entirely,
and so she was burned only from below, and
enterprising Uncle Yura shredded her
scissors and said that the fringe is on
curtain - it's very fashionable now.
The last game was "otkycu apple", in
which was actually supposed to be poured into
basin of water, throw an apple in there, and then
bite it off without using your hands, but
Dad and Uncle Yura are much bigger
I liked the process of throwing an apple into a basin
with water, so there’s no need to bite it
got it.By the way, this whole event is over
quite peaceful.  Daddy with Uncle Yura
they didn’t even begin to depict Georgian xop,
although the previous times were three evenings
ended with exactly this, and in our
Not only the district police officer visited the apartment,
but also a whole police squad with a dog. But in
this time daddy firmly stated that everything
madness is carried over to tomorrow
wedding, so Uncle Yura united
grouping our family by blackmail,
persuasion and brute physical force
put me to bed on the sofa in the living room, and we
everyone also went to bed.             
 Touching my head to the pillow, I
she looked at her watch and gasped: it was already
the beginning of four in the morning. Okay, I thought
I, let's break through. Not for the first time.               
 Seryoga, oddly enough, was not late.
On the contrary, he came very early and long
the doorbell rang before I opened it. A
I still couldn’t understand what it was
calls and calls. Opening the door, I even
and I couldn’t imagine what awaited me in
next second...                    
 At first I didn't see anything because
A blinding light hit my eyes. Then
the light became less bright, and I saw
Seryoga in a dazzling white tuxedo with
black butterfly.  He looked like
the spitting image of Prince Akeem, only white, Bruce
Willis and Leo DiCaprio rolled into one.
And he also looked a little like Dima
Malikovaduring Vladimir's youth
Presnyakov Jr.  I'm out of breath
intercepted.                            
 Sergei asked why he was seeing
me in a tracksuit, but I
explained that she decided so, and besides,
since he's so handsome, it makes no sense to me
try to somehow outshine it.
Seryoga did not argue, but said that
it's time to leave, because the crews
waiting downstairs.                             
 Then mommy appeared with dumplings and
began to feed Seryoga, calling him “my
son-in-law."  Seryoga began to eat dumplings,
calling them chebureks, and immediately dipped
oil your chic tuxedo. I was in
shocked, but then daddy and uncle appeared
Yura, and they, shouting at the top of their lungs:
"Valerian, valerian", steel
cover greasy stains with valerian. What
the most interesting thing is that the spots have disappeared, although
the tuxedo turned from white to light green.
But I no longer had time to study
this problem, especially since daddy
They started playing with Uncle Yura right at the door
into the fight of the Nanai boys, so
there was no way to get inside the apartment
possibilities, so I took a parrot
Baklanov, with whom there was no one
take a walk, and went downstairs.                 
 At the entrance of our house there was a whole
pandemonium.   First of all, around the yard
there was a wild amount of some verystrange cars, and it was clear that
they came specifically to our wedding.
Bo secondly, on a bench at the entrance to
the full complement of old ladies from
Ceperuhoro is at home, and, the strangest thing,
all these old ladies were dressed in wedding dresses
costumes. When I asked Seryoga why
they are doing here, he said that to the old ladies
assigned to hold my veil. I reminded
that I don't have a veil because I'm dressed
in a tracksuit, but Seryoga
waved his hand dismissively and said,
that each of the old ladies has her own veil,
so they have something to hold.          
 At that moment some kind of woman approached us
a huge military machine, and got out of there
rich fidoshnik Yura, with whom I
I met at Comtek.   Seryoga
said that Yura would be his best man,
so he will take us in his car to
registry office I tried to say that the best man
and a driver are completely different things, but
Seryoga ordered me not to talk
tongue, and quickly got into the car.
In general, this snow-white tuxedo is his
changed a lot. Just a few days
ago he wouldn't have dared to treat me like that
talk, and now - look how
gave up his orders.  Maybe I shouldn't have put it on
wedding dress with stains
valerian?                             
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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----------------------------------------
Track:  WHAT I MUST DO ? / FILL MELANCH 
Ву: STEREO EXP-T 10.10.2001 D.J.КОТ     
----------------------------------------
                                        
 Где-то   примерно  после  шестой  рюмки
папулька    с    дядей    Юрой    совсем
расслабились,   повеселели,   дядя   Юра
расстегнул  ремень  на  своем необъятном
животе,  ткнул  в  меня  пальцем и начал
разговор:                               
 -  Итак,  девушка,  нелюбезнo  встретив
меня  рв  коридоре,  вы  пpopoнили фразу
насчет какой-то якобы свадьбы. Поскольку
я  неI understand how in this house
some kind of wedding might happen, and I'm about
I don’t know anything about this and no one is even with me
didn't consult, would you do that?
kindly explain in more detail what
strange things happen in the apartment
my only friend?              
 “You see, Uncle Yura,” I began
exciting story. - The fact that your
impressive body did not appear in this
home for many months or even years, still
doesn't say that I'm here without you
life stopped... With these words
Uncle Yura winked at dad Borya - they say,
Do you hear how my daughter expounds?   That one
straightened up and threw back a proud
look - so, dear, my school!        
 “Little girl Ira,” I continue,
raising his glass with a graceful gesture
"Chianti" has grown considerably and now
she's even going to get married.  I understand that
is a real revelation for you
the fact that the result of growing
young girls become their marriage,
but this, excuse me, is the law of nature,
which acts independently of our
your wishes.                           
 “Listen, Bob,” my uncle said thoughtfully
Yura to Papa Bor, - maybe I should too
Italian wine go? If I could
so put it in writing, I would
They hired me a long time ago.  And I'm still hanging out
freelance in his old age.“Your guy, don’t worry,” said daddy,
refilling the glasses. - We know that
you are talent. Don't give a damn about the editor-in-chief. All
The chief editors are scoundrels!                     
 “Scoundrels,” he confirmed with feeling.
Uncle Yura.                              
 “Idiots kpetuhckue,” I picked up,
received a favorable look in response
Uncle Yura, and we all drank to
the line of chief editors on Earth has been transferred to
root                                  
 “So,” Uncle Yura continued after
this important toast - who is our
chosen one? I hope our brother is a journalist?
 “No, Uncle Yura,” I said politely. -
This is not your brother at all. I'm yours
I respect my brother, but not in quality
her husband.  My chosen one - proudly
I said, “programmer.” You can say
almost a world-famous scientist. Uncle Yura
he smacked his lips doubtfully, and then
said:                                 
 - Programmer... I know programmers,
what are you telling me!  We have
the editorial office walks alone. The look is like
it's like he's being photographed every second
with flash, dresses in the same
jeans and a T-shirt, and on a T-shirt -
slogan promoting some kind of
freedom political party. But since
T-shirt and jeans - black, I suspect
that this party is radical or even
fascist type.                      
 - Come on, uncle“Yur,” I said. -
What the hell party?  What's there
written?                               
 - It’s in English, although with mistakes,
he replied.   - Correct something there
freedom" and some three letters.          
 - "FreeBSD - Rules", or what?  -
I guessed.                           
 “Well, yes,” he was delighted.  - And you
how do you know?                         
 - This is not a political party.  My
favorite - the same.                     
 - And what?                               
 - Something like a religious sect, -
I explained.                            
 - Well, hello! - Uncle Yura was indignant.
Why are you marrying him?    
 “And this is a harmless sect,” I said.
technological orientation.  They have
sacrifices are not even
are provided, except for the ceremonial
burning CD with Windows 98, so
no big deal.                       
 “Well, look,” with doubt in his voice
said Uncle Yura.  - I'm afraid for you,
Irishka, oh, I'm afraid. I don't like these
programmers.  And yours has a look too
as if it was there all the time
Do you take pictures with flash?              
 “It happens,” I admitted honestly. - But
this is only after he gets his
will sit on the computer for a day. It costs him
to be in normal human society 
 - that is, withme, - as soon as a glance
becomes normal and as if
even human.                      
 - Nice guy! - got involved in the conversation
Papa Borya. - He drinks beer!                 
 - Yes?  - Uncle Yura was pleasantly surprised. -
Well, then all is not lost. Let's
Let's croak for programmers.               
 “Come on,” I said hotly, because
that "Chianti" has already seriously hit
head. - We are nowhere without them! They take
take on the dirtiest and hardest work.
Do you know how difficult it is to sculpt a program? -
I used the Ceperuho expression. -
This can be amazing! Here you are, Uncle Yuri,
for example, I decided to get married!  - brought
example I.                               
 Uncle Yura choked on the glass he
I was drinking at that moment.                      
 “This is an example,” I explained, and
Uncle Yupa immediately calmed down. - So,
you decided to get married, and you need to send
a bunch of invitations. What will you do?
 “Well, Ir, I’m a journalist,” he explained.
Uncle Yura. - I’ll get my car and buy it.
invitations and all invitations within an hour
I'll knock.  You know I'm typing from
such a speed that the machine once every
It takes six months to change.              
 “That’s it,” I continued. - On your
it will take an hour.  And the programmer is
the cutting edge of science! He has a scientific
approach! So he builds a program, and
The program will print everything itself.Understood? 
 “I understand,” said Uncle Yura. - How much
will it take him time?            
 I thought, remembering ours with Seryoga
experience in creating invitations.            
 - Well, - I said reluctantly, - if
experienced programmer, then the whole process
It won't take more than a couple of days. The main thing is
so that the printer cartridge does not run out.  
 - A couple of days?  - Uncle Yura was surprised. -
Wow progress.  So old and
pot-bellied Uncle Yura to any programmer
will give you a hundred points ahead.                  
 “You don’t understand anything,” she argued.
I.   - They just have a scientific approach.
Speed ​​is not the main thing.  But already
the finished program can then be
make invitations at the speed of sound.  
 - How many times have you gotten married?
go out? - Uncle Yura squinted.        
 I thought about it.   Uncle Yura clearly
caught.                               
 - I was going to get married once.
But you,” I got angry, “are sarcastic.
Uncle Yura, blocking with his belly
all technical progress! I think
Why is progress so slow? And he just
rested against your belly and just can’t
get through neither left nor right!           
 “Break,” said dad Borya. - Well, you
still fight here! Irina, you have tomorrow
wedding!                                
 “There won’t be any wedding,” I said.
in a drunken voice. - I willdrink all night
mourning her maiden fate. And Seryoga
let's say that Uncle Yura did not approve of him,
so let all wedding invitations
puts it back into the computer.         
 “Stop,” Uncle Yura became worried, “
Personally, I have nothing against programmers
I don’t have anything special.   What if I
If they invite you to a wedding, then I'll be the first
I wish the young people happiness, health and
quick execution of all their programs.   
 - What does “will be invited” mean? - got angry
I.  - Are you a journalist or not a journalist? You
he himself must lie in bed early in the morning
in ambush at the registry office, seizing the moment when
the young people will get out of the car so that later
sell these photos to Cosmopolitan
for crazy money.                      
 - By the way, I ask the child no more
pour it, - asked mommy, who
although she was standing at the stove, she was very
listened carefully to everyone
conversations.                             
 “Ir, Ir, come to your senses,” said Uncle Yura.
You are a very good girl, and I love you very much
I love it.  But you are not Madonna. And yours
the programmer is not Sean Penn.              
 “Yeah,” I exclaimed, nervously tugging
your glass so that it spilled on
tablecloth   - So for the sake of Madonna you
you'll hang on a pole for days
power transmission, pretending to be pregnant
crow.  And for the sake of your daughter, your best
friend, you're not ready for a few minutesstand near the registry office to
photograph how the young people come out
cars?                                 
 - Wait a minute, wait a minute, I’m not
I refuse,” Uncle Yura became worried. -
Of course, I will definitely come and
I'll take a photo.                          
 - And so that there would be an article worth a couple of thousand
Times symbols,” she demanded capriciously
I.                                      
 “It will be,” Uncle Yura promised, realizing
that it’s better not to argue with me now. -
A thousand nonpareil characters.               
 - On the main page in the form
editorial!   - continued
I rage.                             
 “We agreed,” my uncle agreed again.
Yura.   - But the newspaper will be in one
copy.                             
 “B two,” dad Borya interrupted.  -
Parents should also have something to remember
stay.                               
 “Yes, at least four,” said the wide
gesture Uncle Yura. - I have four cars
takes a copy without any problems.           
 “By the way,” I said, looking at dad.
Bopyu.  - And at my wedding there is a general
will it be?                                  
 Then daddy choked on his glass and
looked at me questioningly
look, as if saying: I hope I
did you hear it?                            
 - No need to make interrogativeseye,
“my dear dad,” I said firmly. -
You understood perfectly what I meant.
I need a general at my wedding.  Otherwise
there will be no wedding. Three painful months
everyone mocked me with their
indifference, and I was the only one worried
about the celebration, so now
The mouse's tears will fall on the rug.       
 - Which rug?  - Uncle Yura interrupted,
who didn't understand anything about computers
humor, because I still used it
antediluvian typewriter, but daddy
motioned for him to be silent.          
 “Daughter,” daddy said carefully. -
Where am I for you at night looking general
will I take it?                                 
 “I don’t need to look at night,” she said.
me, pouring myself another Chianti. - I need
tomorrow at the beginning of the wedding table.       
 “The girl has read a lot of Chekhov,” said
Uncle Yura.  - By the way, where are my pasties?
Mom, standing quietly by the stove, suddenly
I caught myself and started setting the table.
 - Ir., but the chief tax inspector is not
will it fit? - Daddy asked quietly.      
 - Will he come in a general’s uniform? -
I asked.                     
 “Hardly,” dad admitted honestly.
I've never seen him in uniform. To me
he usually comes in such a special one
jacket - well, you know, with those
huge patch pockets.         
 - General makes sense only then
when he's inform - categorically
I stated. - What good is a general without
forms? He won't have his ID
show all the guests... I want a general
for a wedding!  - I was completely capricious
I.                                      
 - Sha, girls!  - joined again
conversation Uncle Yura. - You will have a general.
Give me the phone.                      
 Uncle Yura was handed a telephone receiver, he
took out a notebook of incredible
sizes and went into the corridor to call.
At that moment Mom put it on the table
a hefty bowl of pasties, and we
started having dinner.   Uncle Yura is back
literally three minutes later and said that
you don't have to be nervous because we have
deal with the brilliant Uncle Yura, so
the general will be there tomorrow. I wondered why
I would like to demand more, but daddy
said that the second mutiny on the ship he did not
will be patient.                               
 After chebureks, which were bigger
look like dumplings, Uncle Yura said that
he was tired of this talk about the wedding, and
Well, it's time to have some fun.
Mommy, remembering that entertainment
Uncle Yura often drags on for a long time
and lead to the most unexpected
results, I tried again
offer to break up, but here I am already violently
protested, and mommy had no choice
nothing else but to go wash the dishes and
we don'tinterfere.                          
 “So,” said Uncle Yura, pushing aside
your plate - happy wedding to all of us
decided: Upka is marrying someone
cultist, Bob paid for the wedding table and
got drunk on valerian, and I’ll pretend
paparazzi and ensure presence
general                               
 Daddy and I nodded at the same time
head.                                
 “And since we’ve decided everything,” the uncle continued
Yura, now you can
have some fun.                           
 - Let's throw chairs at the window, -
I suggested.  Mommy shuddered, but
she didn’t say anything.                      
 “Wise,” Uncle Yura agreed. - But not
according to our age. It's you with cektahtom
you can have fun this way, and we
with Bob - older men - must
play somehow more solidly.      
 - Play, for example, chess, -
I suggested.                           
 “Well, daughter, you’re offending me,” he grumbled.
daddy.   - We're not the same
respectable ones, to sulk at chess, like
two pensioners.                         
 “Moreover,” mummy inserted, “that
Papa Borya only knows how to play
poker  In the sense, he knows how to lose
poker                                  
 “Darling,” he said decisively.
Daddy, - guests don’t need anything at all
talk about myintimate habits.
You better wash the dishes. Moreover, mine is clean, but
then I'll check it out.                      
 - Stop arguing, future grandmothers with
grandfather,” said Uncle Yura. - You have
thank God, there is Uncle Yura, who
took care of everything.  Come on, Upka, get out
corridor my purse.                  
 By "handbag" Uncle Yura meant
your portfolio of immense size,
which I had to drag to the kitchen
dragged - it was so heavy.
Uncle Yura, puffing, opened his
treasure chest, after which
I took out a book from there.          
 - What is this? - Dad asked curiously.
 - "Games for primary school children
age,” Uncle Yura read the inscription
on the cover. - I bought it specially today.
Now we will play.                    
 - Yurets, did you mix up anything?  -
Papa Borya asked carefully.  - We and
you're clearly not in junior high anymore
age.  Personally, I remember it almost by heart
Anya Kapehuhy, which means class
the sixth has definitely passed.               
 - I also remember that she is like a creature
trembling, met a terrible death under
wheels of Rody Raskolnikov, - answered
Uncle Yura, - but this does not change the essence of the matter. 
 “Society has cooled her down,” I mumbled.
because I taste Chianti too
something came to mind.                
 - This is for youcondemned by society, - said
Uncle Yura.  - Instead of a journalist, you go out
marry some sectarian.            
 “For a scientist,” I argued.           
 “Let’s leave this dispute,” majestically
said Uncle Yura.  - So, I’m reading it
the first game... "The Ice Cream Game" - with
Uncle Yura read the expression. - "Two
boys stand facing each other,
put their hands on the partner’s shoulders, then
Why are they walking in different directions, shouting:
"Ice cream, ice cream!"... Reigned
silence.                                 
 - This is all? - asked daddy.         
                                        
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Track:  WHAT I MUST DO ? /FILL MELANCH 
Wu: STEREO EXP-T 10.10.2001 D.J.CAT     
---------------------------------------
 A cruel trick, of course, but mommy
she immediately stopped crying and looked at
me with an indignant look.- Dear parents!   - I said
solemnly. - I understand perfectly well that
you are very worried because
my daughter has grown up and, so to speak, is leaving
father's house.                              
 “Whoa,” daddy picked up. - Who
Am I going to get scolded on Fridays now?   
 - Don’t worry about that! - said
Mommy, and there are tears in her voice right away
got icy.   - There is still gunpowder in
powder flasks.  And if you start again
throw glass pancakes at
cockroaches, which have been in our apartment for a long time
it wasn’t, I’ll arrange it for you without Ira
Monty Python's flying circus.             
 “There was a cockroach,” daddy argued. -
Huge black cockroach.  He threatened
eat our funny parrot
Baklanova, and I had nothing left,
how to save a bird by donating
Maslenitsa By the way, her name is Oil Can, and
not Maslenitsa.  And she is still much
cheaper than Baklanov.                      
 “By the way,” cried Mommy, “
because of this nasty parrot my
Mommy hasn't come to us for several years now
months.                                
 “That’s what I’m saying,” daddy confirmed, “
that this parrot is priceless, and you
Some kind of oil can felt sorry for him.        
 - Now this oil can will fly at you for
“such words,” mummy promised. And then
an ugly family scene ensued.
No, it's okayI have my own parents!
The only daughter gets married and
leaves his father's house, and they are all theirs
relationships are clarified, and on
Nobody cares about my daughter. With these sad ones
in my thoughts I went to my room and
I sat down to read to Dontsov. But the detective somehow
didn't go into my head.   Before the wedding
there really was nothing left
a little bit.  And Seryoga and I became something
swear almost every day...      
 Unable to bear it, I picked up the phone and called
him, expecting to hear a sepulchral voice
the faithful one, who, of course, still
didn't forgive.  However, Seryoga cheerfully tore
phone and greeted me extremely joyfully.
It turned out that some people came to see him
fidoshnik friends who are like him
put it, they arranged a “preliminary
bachelor party."   I inquired about
what number is assigned "final"
bachelor party", but Seryoga is still having fun
told me not to be a bitch, brazenly
stated that he has no time, that he kisses
me, daddy and mommy and a parrot
Baklanova, after which he said goodbye and
hung up. Normal, right? Me too
the little boy has been found!  However, I'm right there
I thought I was becoming stern right before my eyes.
We need to end this! With these thoughts I
took Dontsova again and this time
seriously delved into everything
intricacies of the plot.  In the end,
before the weddingThere's still plenty of time. Five days
no less...                            
 Wedding It's still good that these
notes are written not according to hot ones, but already according to
cooled traces, otherwise paper, which,
In general, one is supposed to “endure everything”,
would burn with a blue flame. And all because
this damn wedding!    I'm like
I felt that everything would be different for me
among people, but who could have imagined that
the situation will get so out of hand
control?                               
 No, don't think that we are talking about
the usual cute absurdities that
happen at weddings: groom jacket
put it on backwards, witness the ring
lost, instead of roses they delivered daisies
or on a wedding cake instead
"Congratulations on your wedding!"  wrote:
"Sleep well, dear friend. We will not
Let's forget."        Similar funny
It would only cause me misunderstandings
a slight smile, especially now, after
of that nightmare called "my
wedding", which from now until the end
life I will remember with a shudder.
It all started, by the way, with Papa Bori.
Wow, he made me angry - just terrible! No,
Don't think anything like that! I'm very
I love dad Borya and I’m glad that I have him
yes. But on the last day before the wedding
I was already thinking that it would be better with me instead
Bori's dad was someone else
Daddy, not so violent.The main thing is
where does THIS come from? After all, what is grandmother, what
grandfather - intelligent, sweet and very
quiet people. But the daddy himself is something
incredible!  Mommy says that in
Papa Bor suddenly showed blood
ancient fighting Jews who in the old
times we fought with some fili...
these... Philimists or I don’t remember how
there they were called by father.  But personally I
I think there’s a lot more to Papa Bor
Russian blood appears through grandfather,
although there are quite a few of them. But they're like
apparently so active that everyone
the rest have been driven into a corner and are not giving blood
and give them a peep.                           
 Why, you ask, am I so indignant?
Yes, because it’s impossible the evening before
the wedding of his only daughter
organize such curbets! The main thing is, after all
the last few days dad Borya
All I knew was that I drank valerian,
grabbed his heart and lamented that he
the only daughter leaves her father's house.
Like, dad Borya is just all over this
He has suffered and requires sympathy. We are
with mommy like his last fools
they were sorry, they brought new bubbles
valerian and generally tried to brighten up
Papulka's melancholy.  But just before
Papa Bori was sad about the wedding itself
brightened up, and in the most radical way
way.  At seven o'clock in the evening there was a sound
the doorbell rings andappeared before us
Papulkin's old acquaintance - a journalist
Uncle Yura.  To be honest, I immediately
there were bad feelings, but
slam the door in his face
enough determination. The point is that uncle
The Yura is a samum, a hurricane, a typhoon,
earthquake and index drop
Dow Jones in one bottle. And when is it
natural disaster connects with dad
Borey, then it turns out critical at first
mass, and then the reaction of such a vigorous
synthesis, which is within a radius of five kilometers
it's easy to be away from the epicenter
unsafe.                            
 However, it’s better to talk about everything in order.
Long story short, the doorbell rings.
I go to open it and see my uncle on the doorstep
Yuru...                                  
 - Upka-kefirka! - Uncle Yura yells, flying in
at the door, almost knocking me off my feet.     
 - Hello, Uncle Yura, - rather sour
I say, feverishly thinking, under
whatever the excuse with him right there
say goodbye.                           
 - What do I hear?  - comes from the kitchen
the sluggish voice of Papa Bori, who is already so
got enough valerian that he went outside
You can't go out under any circumstances,
so as not to be torn to shreds
a herd of cats from all over the area.  - What
do I hear?  - Dad exclaims pathetically
Borya.   - Is it really my humble saklya
visited kunak Yurka, who is suchbastard who hasn't been in for months
several?                              
 - Why kunak?  - asks in a whisper
I'm Uncle Yura. - Is he drinking chacha?    
 “I don’t drink tea, but valerian,” I answer. -
And why kunak - the devil only knows. Dad
You can't always understand Borya.  By the way, -
I notice that I have a wedding tomorrow.     
 - Well done, - completely calmly
says Uncle Yura, takes off his shoes and
goes to the kitchen, leaving me in
standing alone in the corridor. No, well
wow!  The girl is having a wedding, and she
The only answer is - good job? Of course
I was terribly angry.  True, later
It turned out that I shouldn’t have started right away
spend all your angry reserves. It is necessary
there was more left for later.        
 Uncle Yura, appearing in the kitchen, immediately
developed frantic activity. First he
forced mommy to fry them for a snack
chebureks (why exactly chebureks - no one
I never found out, but Uncle Yura couldn’t stand it,
when they praised him, so mommy
I immediately started rolling the dough and making
minced meat).   Then Uncle Yura from his
bottomless journalistic portfolio
got it, as he put it,
a ma-a-a-small bottle of vodka, for the sake of
which had to be removed from the table
healthy salad bowl to empty
place, after which he and daddy sat down,
as mummy puts it,"ferment".
However, daddy this process
calls it more modestly - “philosophizing”.  
 And this, mind you, at the moment when I
all on knives, on horns and don’t understand at all
on what, because tomorrow is the wedding, no
the devil is not done yet, this Seryoga in general
for three days now it has not shown who is behind
will go with cake tomorrow - it’s unclear
the right wedding shoe flew off
buckle, hairdresser who should
do my hair, called and
refused, friend Lenka, whom I
asked to become a witness, suddenly
I'm sick, so the house is full
nightmare, and they still sat down
PHILOSOPHY!..                      
 All this is me, forgetting the previous sad
experience, expressed in a raised voice
daddy, but he didn't take it into account
the solemnity of the event, so he threw
in me a bottle of valerian, and on
snow-white wedding dress that I
dragged around the apartment to see him
get used to it, quite noticeable appeared
stain. I wonder how he's not afraid of the mouth
take such crap that is capable
ruin your wedding dress?             
 What started here!  I certainly don't
stood it and howled so loudly that they came running
neighbors who decided that we or
for the first time in my life I turned on the MTV channel,
or Papa Borya fell on my leg. But,
Having learned that I'm just getting married tomorrow,
the neighbors immediately calmed down.               
 The main thing is that no one felt sorry for me!
The evil dad Borya suggested dousing
valerian all over the dress so that it
the whole thing became greenish, and
Uncle Yura actually said that he wasn’t wearing a dress
happiness, and that he doesn’t understand at all,
why am I yelling like their editor-in-chief. I
got completely furious, went into her own
room, changed into a tracksuit
and in this form she came into the kitchen, declaring,
that tomorrow I will get married in
in this form.                             
 “That’s right, daughter,” said dad.
Borya, clinking glasses with Uncle Yura, and...
away we go!                              
 In vain I walked around the kitchen, throwing
menacing glances at Papa Borya and Uncle Yura,
in vain I snorted every time when they
poured and drank another glass, -
no one paid attention to me. Even
Mommy was imbued with my inescapable
heartbroken and somewhere after the fifth glass
I tried, smiling falsely,
say: "Well, friends, isn't it time
leave, since tomorrow is so important
event?", but daddy in response to
looked at her long and very thoughtfully
with a look foreshadowing at best
bloodless suppression of rebellion, and at worst
shooting everyone in one go, including
women and animals (under animals
understood the Cormorant parrot), after whichmummy silently returned to her
chebureks that she has for some reason
they turned out to look like dumplings. Yeah,
does that mean you do?  Well then I don’t give a damn
wedding, since no one cares about it,
I’ll sit down at the table and drink mine
Italian wine! Thought - done. I
took out my favorite Chianti, took
glass and sat down at the table with these scoundrels.
What's interesting is that no one told me anything
said, but only Uncle Yura approved
he flashed his glasses in my direction.           
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track:  WHAT I MUST DO ? /FILL MELANCH 
Wu: STEREO EXP-T 10.10.2001 D.J.CAT     
---------------------------------------
                                        
 Seryoga, looking at this disgrace,
said there was nothing to worry about because
that there's just something wrong with
encodings. He got into the program again,
and after some 15 minutes a MIRACLE happened
The first invitation was printed like this:
as it should. On the second, however, Seryoga has
The printer has run out of cartridges
ink.                              
 Seryoga also had problems with ink
decide exclusively in nporpammuctcku -
that is, not the way they do it
normal people.  Instead of
just go to the store to buy a cartridge,
Sergei said that only idiots can
pay twenty-fivebucks for
plastic bottle of ink when
the old one can be recharged, and it will be
plow like Papa Carlo. With these words
Seryoga began to rummage through the drawers of the table, and
after about fifteen minutes with a scream
"Every saga!"   took out the corrugated one
plastic tube with a needle inside
whose ink was dangling. Igloo Seryoga
dashed it into the cartridge like a real master
drug addict, and sharply pressed the piston
tube...                               
 It turned out that he inserted the needle in the wrong way,
as it should be according to the instructions - that is
not completely, so the ink is powerful
sprayed in a stream not inside the cartridge, but
right on Seryoga's shirt. What are the terms?
at the same time he said - I even
I can’t repeat it.  In the softest
the expression sounded words of bitterness
relation to Hewlett Packard,
producing these cartridges and refills for
him, and the rudest mentioned him
beloved Bill Gates and, for some reason,
Windows, although it was not very clear
What does Windows have to do with refueling?
cartridges.  But I already realized that Gates,
Gates and Gates alone are always to blame
all the troubles that happen to
programmers.                          
 Seryoga changed his shirt and started working again
refueling.  This time he was more
careful and even read it twice
instructions, and before refueling, and not
after,resulting in the content
tube smoothly flowed into the cartridge.
Sergei sighed with relief, once again
explained how much money we have now
saved money, put the cartridge in the printer
and started printing. But, as it turned out,
our misadventures are not over yet,
because the cartridge was moving around uselessly
paper, showing black dots here and there,
and completely refusing to display integers
letters.   Seryoga stated that, I quote,
"The ink has not yet penetrated the capillaries
to the head" and then pulled out the cartridge
and started shaking him hard to help
ink to get to where
should have.                              
 In general, it wouldn't be a big deal
happened, hold the cartridge with its head towards
to myself, because I saw his shirt and didn’t
like that, but for some reason he held it
head away from me, that's why my white
the blouse immediately became covered with ink
points of various sizes and
modifications.  Mine has already arrived
turn to say different bad things
words, and first of all got
to all programmers in the world, then to the company
Hewlett Packard and its damn gas stations,
and at the same time, to the heap, and Bill Gates, so that
Life didn’t seem like honey to him. After that
I put on my coat, went outside and
I bought a new cartridge.                  
 Oddly enough, after that everythingwe printed the invitations for some
twenty minutes.  Since the start of this
The epic took about two days. If
I wish I could fill out postcards on regular paper
typewriter, it would take me
about an hour and a half.  So when
Seryoga hinted that the guests
cards to be prepared
to indicate to the guests during the wedding
their places at the table, he is now
will quickly do it on the computer, it arose
a small scandal, after which Seryoga left
your proposal is prudent
refused.  With my dress, fortunately
the issue was resolved without Ceperuhoro's participation.
Daddy took me to his friend
nopthuxe, paid her money and she
I sewed a cute little dress pretty quickly
just what I wanted. However
Seryoga, when I told him about this,
suddenly began to act like hell
which he stated that he would not allow
make a decision on something so important
the question of how to wear a wedding dress without
long consultations with his bright
person.  I had to drag him to
nopthuxe and show not yet fully
finished dress.  The main thing is that I
outraged: at home he screamed like a crocodile in
test flight time, which is not
will allow you to make a decision without yourself, but
when I suggested immediately going to
nopthuxe to look at this dress,
it immediately went out andstated that today is not
maybe because he needs it urgently
finish the program, and he will sit
all night, but tomorrow he can’t, because
after working all night he needs to sleep.
But I responded by saying that if he doesn’t
can tomorrow, then the next chance
look at the dress he will already have on
wedding, so Seryoga made a face,
pooxal, complaining about his harsh
programmer life and hard
psychological pressure from
the only bride, but agreed.    
 To nopthuxe he dragged along with such
lamentations that everyone was shying away from us
passers-by  I even regretted that I started it
this event, although this happened
all at his request.  U nopthuxu is mine
the faithful showed himself in all his glory:
sat down on the sofa, acting out
a rich merchant like Bozhevatov, however
in appearance and manners he looked more like
Karandysheva.  While I was putting on my dress,
Seryoga fell asleep, twitching nervously in his sleep
hands.  The dressmaker and I woke him up,
pounding the bucket with hefty scissors,
he woke up and at first he couldn’t
understand where it is. But then came to
himself and stated that the dress was not going anywhere
good.  The dressmaker at these words is clean
reflexively clicked her hands in the air
with huge scissors. Seryoga got the hint
immediately and recovered, that, they say, the dress
chic andsewn just perfectly, but he
I don't like white color. Me and the dressmaker
they shouted in unison that always and in everything
times when brides got married in dresses
white, but Seryoga said that it
a bride should be for all brides
bride, so he agrees to any
color and any style except white. White
the color, Seryoga said, reminds him
snow-white pages of Word, and he,
you see, he hates typing text on
computer, so it's from white
dresses give rise to bad associations.     
 The dressmaker looked very expressively
at me - like, friend, are you really
THIS is who you decided to marry? - why am I
in response, with a sigh, she nodded and out loud
she said that now something
we'll figure it out.   After a short discussion
situation during which Seryoga again
fell asleep, it was decided that we would still have time
additionally sew red and white (my
favorite color) dress without special
bells and whistles.   Having pushed Seryoga away, I told him
proposed the following compromise: in the registry office
I'm going the way I'm supposed to - to
white dress, and at the wedding feast
I'll be in red.  Seryoga perked up and
said he approves of the red dress
entirely and completely, because red
the color reminds him of Linux, and white in
the registry office will somehow survive, because
the day is ruined anyway.                
 But my dress is stillIt's not so bad.
The main battles took place in Zhenikhovsky
directions - that is, regarding it
wedding suit.  Seryoga for some reason
got it into his head that he, you see,
"not cool" to be at a wedding in
normal suit.   To my question,
why was it “cool” for him to wear something like that?
come in a suit to ask for my hand, but
it’s no longer “fun” to be in it on
wedding, the faithful explained that the hands
he asked to be alone with me and daddy
mommy, and at a wedding in a big
number will be his favorites
"fidoshniks" who are so accustomed
see Serega in the same black ones
jeans and a programmer sweater, what
may not be able to bear the sight of a tuxedo and will start
behave badly.   At my request
decipher what exactly is meant
under the term “bad news”, Seryoga
pursed his lips and said that this is even better
and do not decrypt. But I won't back down
was going to, so she immediately announced that
if he doesn't want to go to the wedding decently
dress, then maybe not dress, but
Then it’s too much to hold the wedding without me.
Seryoga, in response to this, started a long
bagpipes about how you can’t do this
immediately cut from the shoulder, and what better we
Let's be like the Americans, who have accepted
discuss all problems first, and then
already decide with the help of lawyers, and that he
offers me firstexpress my
wishes, then he will express his
wishes, after which I must
adjust your wishes
regarding his wishes, and he must
adjust your wishes
regarding my wishes. And then that's it
it will be great, Seryoga said, because
what, they say, do the Americans have after these
discussions always become
tip-top.  Well, or they get divorced if
wishes are not adjusted. By the way, I
This is not the first time I have noticed that he
sometimes it becomes surprisingly boring.
What a manner - to sum everything up
some base and act
solely under the influence of reason, and
no feelings?  What are we even given
feelings if we cannot use them
make decisions?  Why should I even
discuss with him the question of whether he can
not to be in a suit at a wedding, but who knows?
in what?  Of course he can't!  What's here
discuss?   The question is not that I
I impose my opinion on him.  None
I am not imposing an opinion at all. He just
The usual alternative is offered: or
wedding without a suit and without me, or
wedding in a suit and with me. In my opinion
very logical, and there is nothing to discuss here.
What compromises can there be in such
situations?     Is it possible here?
half solution?    Or do you need
agree that he will come tosuit pants and a sweater, and from me on
my bottom or top will show up for the wedding
half?  I told him all this with
the directness characteristic of me.  Seryoga in
the answer pouted and said that we will have to
it's very difficult to live together, since I
I don't know how to compromise. I'm in response
she said that what it is is what it is, and
that he still has a chance to change everything,
since I'm not suitable for him.  Seryoga completely
pouted, sniffled, but nothing happened
said.  I waited a little, but seeing
that he doesn't intend to anymore today
perform with no program
statements, went home.                
 At home, however, not everything was in order either.
ok.   Parents, as it turned out,
suddenly realized that their only
little daughter - what a horror!  - getting married
and not only gets married, but also
goes to live with her husband. And this means that
from now on she will not scold daddy,
when he comes home on Fridays
very cheerful after poker and for hours
watching TV in the kitchen though
There hasn't been a TV in the kitchen for a long time, so
My daughter won't be here in the morning now
you can argue with mommy about the topic
Should I take my mother's jumper to wear?
as a dress, and that now there is no one
will scold in the evenings for being late
coming home and talking for hours
phone.Still, they are strange to me.
We should be glad that they are now
they will live for their own pleasure.  But they
for some reason they became sad.  Even dad Borya
sad, clutches his heart and drinks
liters of valerian, alternating this matter
shots of tequila so that, as he says,
equalize the pressure. And mommy in general
eyes are wet. Walks around the kitchen
rubs plates and dabs eyes with kitchen utensils
a towel, which, by the way, is already
It's been a month since it's not very clean. At first I
this confusion in the ranks of special fighters
didn't pay attention, but then came out to
kitchen and called everyone to account...       
 - What's the matter? - I asked sharply, knowing
what's wrong with my parents
foreplay before serious
there is no need to talk.             
 - The daughter leaves her parents' home, -
After a short silence, dad Borya explained,
after which I dropped some valerian and
I washed it down with a shot of tequila.                
 - Tequila should be eaten with lemon, -
I explained.                            
 - Teach your father, teach him!  - From dad Bori
the sadness immediately disappeared. - I'm into valerian
poured salt and dripped citric acid.
So everything is taken into account by the great hurricane.    
 “Ir,” mummy said, and the voice
she trembled treacherously. - If you s
it will be bad for them, you come back to us immediately
come running. We will always take you back,
don't think so.“I don’t think so,” I shrugged.
Of course you will. I'm registered here.  
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
                                        
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Track:  WHAT I MUST DO ? /FILL MELANCH 
Wu: STEREO EXP-T 10.10.2001 D.J.CAT     
---------------------------------------
 The tactics turned out to be completely
correct. Sergei instantly extended his right
hand, I quickly tried on the size
fourth finger, and in five minutes we
already left the store with two
with the wedding rings that I,
Of course, she hid it in her purse.  
 “By the way,” said Sergei. - We tell you
The gift was never looked at.            
 -I’ll manage,” I sighed. - You have
such a unique approach to everything that
It’s better that you choose a gift for me yourself.
At least a third tree stump, at least a whole sawmill. 
 “You shouldn’t be doing this,” said Seryoga. - I
I didn't want to offend you.  I just
said I think so.                      
 “That’s what worries me,” again.
I sighed.                            
 “I think so,” he said comfortingly.
Sergey, these are ordinary pre-wedding
friction.  After the wedding everything will be fine.
There were no problems before, because
right?                                    
 “Well, yes,” I said very uncertainly.
It will probably get better.    By the way, you
are you going to become world famous?   
 - I? - asked Sergei.             
 -  Well, yes.  “You,” I said, keeping
Olympic calm.                
 “I don’t know,” he answered.               
 “Well, at least he answered honestly,” she sighed.
I. - Okay, if you're not going to, then I'll
I'll make you famous myself.  Although,
I have a feeling this will be very difficult.     
 - Why are you talking about this now?
did you speak? - Sergei is surprised again.  
 “Yes,” I say, “don’t mind me.”
attention.  Just thinking out loud. Just in case. By the way,” I turned the conversation to
another thing - you should accompany me now
Will you go or will you immediately run to the roundabout?
 “Ir, you understand...” he hesitates.“I understand,” I nod.  - Brides
it is no longer necessary to accompany her.          
 - But I can! - he assures. - Just for me
still need...                             
 - I know what else you need.  Not
work hard, my love.   Better for the wedding
get ready. And if you suddenly decide to spend
wedding money for the fourth stump -
let me know right away so I have time to say
"yes" to Vasya Suvorov.                     
 - What kind of thing is Vasya crawling out again? -
Sergei is indignant, but I peck him
cheek and dive into the radial station
metro.                                  
 The main thing in our business is to leave behind
I have the last word.  And don't give
the enemy to relax.                
 However, these are all jokes. Actually
I'm sad for some reason and the future is a little
scary.  But there is nowhere to retreat. Wedding
in two weeks, and we already have rings
bought.                                 
                                        
                 * * *                  
                                        
 The last days before the wedding passed like
in the fog. Honestly, I'm always
did not leave the feeling of some
the unreality of what is happening and completely
I couldn’t believe that I was so soon
I’ll marry Seryoga soon. Moreover
It’s not even about Seryoga, it’s about the fact itself
thatthat I will get married and leave
parental home.                     
 True, it takes a long time to think about this
I didn't have much time because everything
days passed in continuous worries,
so there was no time for painful thoughts.
It's probably for the better, because
over the past two weeks, Seryoga has shown
yourself in full glory. To be honest, I
five was even ready to send all this
wedding to hell and stay proud,
but an independent bird.   Stupidity
Of course, the bride recognizes the groom in
joint economic plan
activities only in recent times
a few days before the wedding. Personally I
I think that we must first carry out
wedding, and then make a decision -
to marry or not.  Why? Yes
because everything that happens is a long time ago
before the wedding - absolutely not
no meaning! How can you find out a friend?
a friend for going to the cinema together or
cafe?  No way.  What is required from
groom?   Only in your pocket
some little things to buy
for the lady, ice cream or a bag of popcorn.
And even seeing off the lady's groom
directly to her house - not at all
an indicator of the groom’s reliability in everyday life, especially
moreover, that my faithful self even
I didn’t bother much with these farewells,
often declaring at the fork in ourmetropolitan roads that he
he can’t see me off today because
he, they say, needs some kind of “stump”
insert into some "bug fixed"
cepbucnak".  Or am I confusing something? But this
doesn't matter.                      
 But before the wedding, Seryoga turned around
in all its glory.   And so
turned around that even dad Borya, who
thinks that I have my mother’s character,
that's why Seryoga sympathizes, shook
head and said: “Well, Serge, it’s you
in vain.   Even I'm like this before
I didn’t allow the wedding.”   What is he
did you ask?  That's the point
that he didn't do anything.  For some reason
It is generally accepted that if they,
you see, they “made” the bride happy with their
agreeing to propose marriage and
all the computer junk that
lying around their house, now they have everything
should kiss hands, feet and ears, and
at the same time fully prepare everything for
wedding and bring it there at the right time
the groom to the sounds of a brass band,
synthesized using sound
Guillemont ISIS XL boards.               
 Excuse me for being so nytahho
I express myself, but honestly, it hurts!
This scoundrel - my fiancé - believes that
the wedding itself will be prepared and held,
as if by magic joystick.
He doesn’t want to do anything himself! Sits at home
poking around incomputer (namely “in”, but
not “on”, because Seryoga has his own unit
took it apart so that, as he puts it,
"start your married life with ULTRA-DMA 100",
as if I couldn’t find another time)
and yells that Windows 2000 is on this
Dimiey-100 gets up only after dancing with
tambourine, and Windows ME even with a tambourine
doesn't want to get up.                      
 And it’s impossible to get him out of this state
maybe no one. Neither me, nor dad Borya, nor even
old ladies in the yard that I tried
was to involve their family in the decision
tasks.  Meanwhile, there is still a lot to do!
Do you need to write and send invitations?
Necessary.  Do I need to sew a wedding dress?
Necessary. Do you need to order a wedding cake? Also
necessary.   I'm already silent about what is needed
think over and order a wedding carriage,
wedding dinner and all that. But Seryoga
doesn't give a damn about himself, as if it wasn't his
wedding                                
 For three days I nagged him about the fact that
invitations must be written and sent out,
because it won't be very convenient if
guests will receive them a couple of days after
weddings   Seryoga was having fun in response,
waved his hand dismissively and declared,
that we live in the computer age, and that
he will prepare everything in two seconds
invitations on the computer and sends them out
by email.  When I tell him
politely hinted that not everyoneinvitees can be electronic
mail, Seryoga made square eyes and
I asked why there are such people at all
invite to a wedding. I had to break it
three plates.  Two on the floor, the third - o
printer.  The third plate worked
so Seryoga sat down to make invitations.
He didn't do them for long. Two days. Personally I
I thought that he would just prepare the text in
Word, and then enter the names from
the list that I gave him, and then
will print it out, but Seryoga said that
real programmers don't do that.
Real programmers, Seryoga said,
creatures are extremely lazy, therefore
quickly create a program so that it
did everything for them, but the list is pushed into
computer through a scanner.  With these words he
settled down, as he put it, “to sculpt
program" which itself will take
data from the list and then print
ready-made invitations.                    
 Initially this idea even to me
I liked it. Really, why bother?
and enter data by hand when possible
drive the data through the scanner, and cool
a program written by a cool guy
programmer, she will print everything herself.
However, after a couple of days it became clear
that the method chosen by Seryoga is wrong
effective as it seemed at first
look.       Bo firstly, the program
text recognition refused clearly
identifyletters written by me
by hand. Seryoga said that it’s not a problem,
and that he will quickly train the program
working with my handwriting.  Killing on this one
the process is about four hours, Seryoga
stated that I write differently all the time
identical letters, so the program
cannot recognize anything. I had to
trudge home, get Papulkina
old typewriter and tapping
text on it so that the program can
recognize   The machine helped: text
recognized with approximately 75 percent
efficiency, therefore for correction
recognition errors took no more than an hour
(I had to check everything with special
effort, because people usually don't
forgive typos in their first and last names).
When the names of the invitees were finally
entered into the computer, Seryoga sat down
"finish off the program."  B first day
I still haven’t finished the “finishing off”
I waited, so I went home. Seryoga
remained sitting at the computer, spewing
curses because he decided to write
program immediately in the new version of the language, and
she didn't really listen to him. When I
appeared the next day, Seryoga
said that the program is almost ready, and
that all that remains is to catch some
bugs.  I replied that we don't have time
go to the neighboring stadium, and I generally
I don’t really understand how we’ll catch the buggy,
rushingat full speed. But it turned out
that we are not talking about high-speed
car, and about any malfunctions in
work of the program, to catch which, by
according to Sergei, much more difficult than
write the program itself. To my question,
Why did he even start all this bullshit?
when it would be much faster just to
Word-e enter the names, Seryoga replied,
that such a lame approach to a person
some secretary, but not at all
to him, a cool programmer, and what is he after
wedding will still take care of my upbringing.  
 Seryoga caught all the bugs in four hours,
reached out and said that the invitations
You can already insert it into the printer. At the same time
it turned out that invitation cards
none of us bought it since Seryoga
I thought that I would buy them, but I... Well, we did it ourselves
you understand.   I had to run to
the nearest newsagent and buy
invitations. I bought it and brought it. Refueled
them into the printer. Seryoga did something proud
facial expression and launched the program.
The printer sucked in the first invitation.
Seryoga was all swollen with pride.
The printer thought for a moment and then
spat out a completely empty postcard.
Seryoga raised one eyebrow in confusion.
The printer sucked in the next invitation.
I thought.     Threw away the empty one again
invitation.   Seryoga raised the other
eyebrow.  On the third empty invitation
Seryoga's eyebrows are gone, hestopped
program and began to understand what
matter.                                   
 It turned out, as Seryoga joyfully stated,
he forgot to reset kayhtep.  Resetting to zero
kayhtep, Serega started again
program.  This time the printer sucked
invitation and put something on it
typing enthusiastically. After that he spat it out
invitation, sucked the next one and again
started typing. Seryoga pouted again
pride and began to prove to me
advantages of the nporpammapckoro approach
before lamersky.   However, I did
attention to the fact that the printer is somehow
spits out postcards very quickly,
I went up to look and found that there was
Each postcard contains only the full name, but
There is no invitation text.  Here
Seryoga turned green and climbed into the
program and got there with this
bitterly picking at what I already
I was afraid for the integrity of his computer.
Half an hour later Seryoga fixed this one too.
glitch, launched the program and...
finally, the first invitation was
printed absolutely correctly! True,
it looked like this:        
 „ ®а® Ј ®
© Sergey Ivanovich!  €a =
‘ҐаЈ Ґ ©
=¬ gov zҐ bvm fa=Ј
« b=vm ~ b b~ 2m/g,
>®v®a pb®bv®=vbp 19
®p/ap ~
f®¬ГйА== >
dҐ "‡~Ґ§2®z>
" f® 2аГбг: Ѓ ®
« we® © ‚ ®
а® и=«®~б>=© brf=>,
2®¬ 8, >®аfгб 2,
bva®А=А 3, 5 nv
¦ fa ~® ®v
"= two Жеа =>г b>
¦ГвГ, zv® ®v
ГаЖГп ‚
b=«mГ~=z .      Q
бзГв f®2 а>®~ ¬ ®
¦ & reg;  G
/Гбf®>®=vmbp, 2®bv
v®z® /g2Gv
fa®бв® fa=Гбв= b
b® /® © G
/® « we® © >®
~Г av.  Ѓ g2Г
¬ ®zГm a 2l ~ b
~=2 Gvm.         €a =
ГаЖГ©.    
                                        
                                        
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---------------------------------------
Track: Upa + Cepe>IVu: origin rmx yu Strunov V.V.          
---------------------------------------
 “It’s done,” this scoundrel answers and
hangs up.                          
 The next day I went
meet with Seryoga about purchasing
rings  To be honest, I was quite
lousy mood.   This
contributed, firstly, to our yesterday
conversation with him, during which
it turned out that Sergey on the issue of purchase
treated the rings with a fair amount
negligence, and secondly,evening
conversation with dad Borey, who, like me,
expected, instantly guessed the reasons
sharp Ceperuhoro lack of money and not
missed the chance on me a little bit
make fun.   He is, of course, loving, I
I understand, but it makes me feel good
did not increase.                           
 That's why I came to the meeting at the very
gloomy mood. However, standing
at the appointed place where I came
about ten minutes earlier, I managed
calm down a little, although there is still half an hour
ago I prayed to God that Sergei would be late
for a couple of minutes, and then I would show him
the sky is full of diamonds... But, on reflection, I
I came to the conclusion that there was no need
be bitchy to the fullest, especially since
I never considered myself a bitch.
It’s just that Seryoga has been doing something lately
very often he began to make me angry. However,
maybe it's just like that
pre-wedding process.  I'm at the institute
I talked to one girl who
recently got married, that's what she said,
that she almost killed her husband before the wedding. And
nothing, they live for themselves.  She's even a child
recently gave birth. True, not from her husband, but from
his friend.  But the husband doesn't know anything, so
that the situation in the family is quite
peace-loving.  It's good that my husband's friend
turned out to be not dark-skinned.   Otherwise she
It would take two months to explain.
However, she is like thatsmart girl, what
I probably proved it to my husband twice as much,
that she could very well have been born from him
black kid. Genes, there, mutations
and all that...                          
 Seryoga, oddly enough, showed up
neck to neck.  Even for minutes
one and a half early.  And he looked pretty
decently.                               
 “Hello,” I said, trying to convey
voice has a hint of warmth and
trust.  - You are straight today
neck to neck.                    
 - Tight as he is - this is a gnome with
“Thumbelina,” Seryoga answered cheerfully,
pecking me on the cheek.                      
 He's joking like that. Joker. Let him tell
thank you for the shenanigans I had with him
didn’t break into rings like ours
teacher on tepbepy my notebook!  
 - Well, where shall we go?  - interested
Seryoga.                                 
 “You can go to the planetarium,” I answer, “but
better to go to a jewelry store. In the planetarium
Now rings are temporarily not for sale.      
 “I appreciate your humor,” he answers cheerfully.
Sergey.  - And I love it when you’re in good spirits
mood. Not like yesterday...        
 - You better not remind me about yesterday,
I start to boil, but Seryoga does
peace-loving hand gesture - that's it
forgotten and I decide not to study
escalation of the conflict.                   
 “Okay,” I say. - Let's go to the jewelry storeshop on Tverskaya.  It's just five here
minutes walk.  There is a huge choice there.
At the same time, let's see the gift for me at
wedding, - and with these words I touch
places.                                  
 “Wait, Ir, I don’t understand,” asks
Sergey, mincing next to me. - You
said that there should be a gift
surprise.    Why then did you
Are you going to choose yourself?               
 - Yes, because you in this matter
You can’t trust me,” I explain.  -
Surely you will give me some
computer hardware, which is also on
It's scary to hang a wall.             
 “Interesting,” he says offended. - To you
you can trust, that means you can, but you can trust me
is it impossible?                                 
 “Well, yes,” I say completely.
in a confident voice.  - I mean nothing to you
I won’t give anything bad or unnecessary. Women's
instinct, you know.  And here you are to me -
easily.  So I better guide you
in the right direction. Moreover, for sure
I won’t indicate the decoration, so
the full weight of the decision about the amount of kapat
still lies on you.                
 “By the way,” he mutters, “when I
talked about the video capturing board, then
I also suggested that you choose for yourself
specific model...                    
 “These are different things,” I say authoritatively. 
 - Why are they different? - arguesSergey.  
 “By definition,” I answer, and Sergei
falls silent because he parries
such a phrase is extremely difficult. I am this
I also noticed it from my mother. During this
While talking, we approached a jewelry store.
Fortunately, there were still few people there.
I immediately went to the stand with
wedding rings, and Sergei
for some reason he froze at the display window, on which
all sorts of religious items were exhibited
pendants - crucifixes, Muslim
crescents and Jewish stars of David.   
 - Well, why are you stuck here? - I asked,
approaching him because I couldn’t stand it
pangs of loneliness, standing at the display window with
wedding rings.                  
 “Look at these things,” he began
point with finger - Okay, another cross in
weighing half a kilo - I've seen plenty of them! But
a six-pointed star on half the chest is
cool. Are they really buying these?          
 - Just like they buy, young man, -
the saleswoman standing there entered the conversation
at the stand.  - We order every week.
There are generally about twenty crosses a week
leaves, but there are about five stars - almost
always.                                 
 - God! - Sergei was sincerely amazed.
Who wears these?                      
 - What's wrong with that?  - several
I was offended, remembering that approximately
Papa Borya already wears the same star
four years. True, he has it a little
more.- To a large ship - big
swimming!                               
 “I understand,” said Sergei. - And to the big one
to a Jew - a star weighing a kilogram.       
 - So, - I said menacingly, - are you doing something?
do you have it against my dad? Speak right away
Haven't bought the rings yet.                  
 “Oh,” said Sergei, how do I
It seemed completely sincere.  - I
I didn't mean him at all.  I just
I was surprised - are there really such things?
idiots who ku... - and then he
bit my tongue.                          
 “They will be found, they will be found,” she confirmed.
saleswoman who clearly wanted
continue the discussion on this topic. - You
come here in the evening - to this stand and
don't get through.   We have clients
to whom a 10% discount is given.  And this
means that they are already 20 thousand dollars
We bought all sorts of jewelry.                 
 - Maybe you can also give us their last names?
and addresses?  - I asked sarcastically,
Deciding that it was high time to put this idiot down.
The calculation was absolutely correct. Saleswoman
quickly shut up and went to someone else
stand.                                 
 “Well,” I asked, turning to
Sergei, - we're going to buy rings, or from
Do you have any other questions about
about my dad?                      
 “We’ll go, of course,” he fussed. - I
I’m generally silent.  I just asked...stand with rings Seryoga long
I didn’t think twice about it.  He chose the most
a cheap ring and pointed his finger at it. 
 “I like this,” decisively
he stated. - And it's inexpensive.          
 “Of course it’s inexpensive,” she answered gloomily.
I.  - A piece of wire is expensive and
shouldn't. At the same time it’s on your finger completely
not visible.  Maybe you don't even need a ring
necessary?  Maybe you don't want to advertise
your new status?                      
 - Ir, what are you doing? - Sergei became worried.
I just wanted it to be cheaper.        
 - The ring is bought only once, -
I said decisively.   - Therefore
we won't save money. Moreover, dad
Borya gave money.                         
 - But give them to us, - unobtrusively
recalled Sergei.                        
 “We’ll give it back,” just as unobtrusively
I answered.  - We have money for the wedding
will give it as a gift.  So let's buy rings like this:
so that they can be seen. Still, we don't
two homeless people.                              
 “Well, as you say,” Sergei gave up. -
Then why are you asking me? Chose
I would do it myself.                                
 “For formality,” I explained. - To
you don't have a complex
henpecked.  I hate henpecked people.
They are so pathetic.                       
 “Thank you for your concern,” he said.
Sergei pouted and began to look at the other
side.  I'm minutesten was choosing between
different options and finally
settled on some pretty cute ones
medium size rings.              
 “Serezh,” I asked him. - You have
what size?                           
 “Forty-two,” he answered importantly.       
 - What are you talking about?  - I was amazed. - And I
I always thought this was the size of my finger
only happens to bandits.  Who have
fist - as big as a bull's head.                  
 - Ir, what are you talking about?  - dissatisfied
asks Sergei. - This is the shirt size
I have forty-two. Other sizes I
I don't remember.                               
 “What a nightmare,” I said and asked
the saleswoman has rings to measure
finger sizes.                       
 “Put your finger in, groom,” I commanded.
Sergei folded his left hand into a fist,
He bent his middle finger and handed it to me.   
 - What does this mean? - I already choked.
What kind of obscene gestures are these?  Like,
dear Irina, you can consider yourself
free?                              
 -  Why?  - he was surprised. - You said
extend your finger - I extended my finger.
Why are you bothering me today?
back and forth?  - he suddenly got angry. - I
I follow all your instructions, and you all: no
standing there, looking in the wrong direction, not the one
you stick your finger...                          
 - Do you even know what it means?
bentmiddle finger? - I'm curious
I.                                      
 “Well, yes,” he answered. - Some kind of gesture.
Like, none of your business. But you said
that you need to determine the size - here I am
finger and held out. Or will it be more convenient for you
measure the entire palm at once?              
 “Serge,” I said with a slight hint
complete hopelessness in his voice.  -
The wedding ring is worn on the fourth
finger.                                 
 - What are you talking about? - Sergei was amazed.       
 “Well, yes,” I confirmed. - And by the way,
Why are you sticking your left hand in my way?
The wedding ring should be worn on
right.    Only worn on the left
divorced and widowers.                   
 “This is in Russia,” Sergei explained. - A
wedding ring in Europe and America
worn on the left hand.                    
 - And what?                               
 - Nothing. I want to wear the ring like this
it is worn in the world.                       
 “Serezh,” I asked carefully. - And you
you don't want things for the sake of variety
take seven or eight wives? In the Arab world
that's how it is accepted. And mopmohob too.         
 “Seven or eight, I don’t want to,” firmly
Sergei stated.  - It’s too much for me and alone
a lot.                                  
  I thought about it. Well, what should I do with it?
 - Come on, give me your right hand! - I barked,
realizing that there is no further debating
no point.