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************* SHARPENERS OF ALL COUNTRIES, JOIN! ************
Boris STERN: So: three chapters have been written, the fourth has begun.
moment "Oberham", if it wants, can continue endlessly
science fiction novel about Nobel laureate Stanislaw Lem, about
science fiction writers, about hair dryers, about science fiction and so on. Tempo, tone, rhythm are set
in these short chapters. Two indispensable conditions: God in the stomach and
good feelings. Yes, I forgot about the artistry! Artistry
required! The timing is anachronistic. Plot directions
niya - various.
Alexander SHCHEGOLEV: NECESSARY NOTICE
Taught by the bitter experience of other jokers, the author of this part...
Rome is in a hurry to say the following.
1. Olga Larionova is a writer whose works he
(the author) loves from early youth and whose books he probably collected in
in full. The author's respect for this man is sincere and deep.
boko.
2. Boris Stern is, firstly, a first-class writer, secondly
secondly, a man, and a real one.
3. Boris Rudenko and Yuri Braider, according to the author, first of all
th writers, and only then “policemen”, “captains” or “mayo-
ry".
4. In general. As they say, all coincidences of names and described matches
beings are absolutely random. The author asks in advance for forgiveness from those whose
used names without asking. And also for those whoseused.
5. The author wove (wove) his own surname into the fabric of the story -
for ethical reasons. Do you want to make other characters characters?
gih - know how to be a character yourself. In short, the surname "Shchegolev" follows
in other parts of the Burim, if they are written by someone, edited
dares to fluff and dirty as much as he likes - even to the point of not mentioning
disappear altogether.
6. The author’s attitude to the so-called “national question”
very calm, normal, one might say, nothing at all. Intonation
some jokes in which a prejudiced reader is bound to
will see something bad, just taken from the previous part
Burim. (Hello, Borya! I hope I didn’t offend you in any way, not in this
disclaimer, nor in the text of "True Stories". By the way, I confess
No, this is my real name - Dr. Katz! I used to write
under a Russian pseudonym because he feared persecution.)
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TRUE STORIES FROM THE SNAKE GORYNYCH
(working title)
Boris Stern:
1. ALONE WITH A MAN
One day after the rain, the famous science fiction writer Olga
Larionova with two full shopping bags stood on the
new bus to go to the House of Leningrad Writers, which
on Shpalernaya street-17. There was supposed to be a buffet reception there
about the presentationStanislaw Lem Nobel Prize. The car came up
The bus was on a route she didn’t need, and Olga heard a scream. I looked back. K
A short man in a coat was running along her, with a cake on his outstretched arms.
hands and with a bottle of vodka in his pocket, two officers were chasing him
police and shouted:
- Detain him, detain him!
Myopic Olga, of course, did not want to interfere in the pursuit of
a criminal, but the man with the cake looked so much like Chikatilo that
Olga still fulfilled her civic duty - she set him up
leg. The criminal fell straight into the mud, where is the hat, where are the legs, where is the cake?
- you can imagine. The policemen ran up and looked wildly
at Olga and managed to jump on the departing bus.
The bus left.
Olga was left alone with the man.
2. Kyiv CAKE
Olga was left alone with the man.
The man was just as short-sighted. With one hand he searched in a puddle
his glasses, from the second he licked the smeared “Kyiv cake”. Olga
it was very uncomfortable, very funny and very scary - the man
I had no right to slap her in the face for such things, but to run away from the man-
There was no way for us with two full bags. Finally,
the man found his glasses, got out of the puddle and, clenching his fists, looked
to Olga. Of course, it was not Chikatilo, but Olga was amazed by him
reminded me of someone.
- Psya krov!!! - the man swore rudely in Polish, and Olga
with horror I recognized him as Stanislaw Lem himself, a Nobel laureate
reata, onmeeting with whom she was heading to the House of Writers with
two shopping bags containing all sorts of things for
a la buffet - the same "Kiev cake", vodka, appetizers and so on,
- all this was bought in a pool between Soviet science fiction writers
ten dollars from the snout. Olga began to apologize and clean up Lem
remnants of "Kyiv cake". Let's leave Olga Larionova alone with
Stanislav Lem, and follow the policemen.
3. RETURN OF THE POLICEMAN
These policemen were not exactly policemen. These were
visiting policemen - one from Moscow, the other from Minsk, their names were
Boris Rudenko and Yuri Braider, one is a major, the other is a captain.
police The fact is that they also wrote science fiction and were also in a hurry
to Shpalernaya-17 to take part in honoring Stanislav
Lema, but accidentally jumped on the wrong bus. The gentleman fell into a puddle
They didn’t recognize Stanislav, but the woman who tripped him up still
seemed familiar to them...
“It seems like one of our aunts...” said Rudenko.
“She looks like Lyudmila Kozinets,” agreed Bryder. “Why is she
tripped him up?
- But you yourself shouted to her: “Detain, detain!”
- You screamed too.
- I meant "Hold the bus."
- I also meant the bus.
- So she misunderstood us. No, this is not Lyudmila Kozinets.
I know Lyudmila well. This is Ariadna Gromova.
So they wondered and did not notice that they were not going to Shpalernaya-17, butmake a circle at the final stop and return back - there
where Lem and Larionova remained.
4. PAN STANISLAV
Lem, as you know, is not a Pole by origin, but our
Lvov Jew, similar to Odessa Babel or Roman Podo-
flaxen Therefore, Olga instantly found a common language with him...
Alexander Shchegolev:
Moreover, the laureate did not fully understand why he fell. Uwe-
There was no concern that he was pushed. Chasing the bus, he stayed
I was lost in my thoughts, thinking about that awkward situation,
into which he was plunged by an unexpected invitation to a banquet. In part-
ity, solved a difficult ethical problem: should he admit-
Xia that he not only doesn’t know any of the writers waiting for him,
lei, editors and publishers, but had never even heard of the existence
any of them.
A conversation between an emphatically gallant (albeit wet) man and
by a woman in high spirits, it was conducted, of course, in Hebrew.
In the Lviv-Odessa dialect - out of respect between the interlocutors for each other
to a friend. They discussed yesterday's award ceremony, which
took place within the framework of the famous Interpresscon conference. More precisely, op-
certain oddities that surprised both of them. No, there was nothing strange -
The big question is why the Nobel Committee decided to postpone
ceremony from God-forsaken Stockholm to prestigious Repino. But
what caused such fury?indignation of a significant part of the guests
conferences? Did these people really seriously fear that the Nobel Prize
the prize may at least somehow supplant the Hamburg Account prize (leading
a container in the shape of a boxing glove, divided for any writer -
tka containing ten kilograms of plutonium)? Funny. After all, the scale
The awards are incomparable! Next - who dared to steal the money, celebration -
really arrived from Stockholm? As a result, Mr. Sidorovich,
the organizer of the conference was forced to extinguish the scandal by taking out
budget unplanned hundred thousand dollars - insignificant, of course -
but, the amount is for the bank he heads, and still. Finally, where in
Luxurious Repino has so many beggars? Beggars are literally attacked
a lucky Nobel laureate, and he dutifully gave them all
the award received - within one evening...
5. ALSO FANTASTIC
Yes, the conversation worked out.
Even though Olga Larionova was not real. On-
standing Olga Larionova was at home at that moment. She
offended by second-rate editors publishing in their third-rate
category fantasy magazines are far from first-class writers, and
I did the right thing.
Moreover, Mr. Lem’s interlocutor was not a woman at all. Or
to be more precise, Mr. Lem’s interlocutor was a man, not
dressed as a woman.
Apparently, it's time to reveal some of the secrets of. Man,
who tripped up the great writer was called Boris Stern -he's the-
he was a science fiction writer, and in addition, he was a member of the organizing committee of the conference
"Interpresscon", sat on the jury of the "Hamburg Account" award and was
was a full member of the Nobel Committee. The point is
that Boris hated doing public work, poet-
That's why they chose him everywhere. Because of his morbid intelligence, he
I didn't know how to refuse. By the way, only such people should be included
to various juries and committees, this is truly state
vein approach. He himself lives in Kyiv, which is especially convenient for Russians.
leaders of those foreign bodies in which he is a member. Pi-
satel Stern, if we are already talking about him, in fact there is no
a Jew (unlike Lem), albeit from Ukraine. However, he is also ours,
like Mr. Stanislav. He is a typical man of the planet. WHOSE PLANET?
- one could ask, but the information is of a theological nature
there is no need here, the story is about something else.
Just an hour ago to the Repin branch of the Nobel Committee
confidential information was received from one of the voluntary
"assistants". Or maybe from a secret employee (which is completely
no matter). About the fact that the kidnapping of a Nobel laureate is being prepared -
just on the way to a banquet a la buffet. Which sect of fandom
planned this provocation, remains unknown, just like
the purpose of provocation, but measures should have been taken immediately. Here
Boris, the only sober person from the cheerfulliterary
public, and rushed to save his beloved writer. It's no coincidence
stopped at the bus stop near the Augusteyshaya Hotel, where Mr.
Lem, and it was no coincidence that he tripped up the Master. Very suspicious
the approaching bus looked (quite suitable, by the way, Mar-
shruta, if you trust the license plate) - roomy, clean -
small, with a perfectly tuned engine. And without a single pass-
soot. Just a phantom, "The Flying Dutchman". In short,
Boris made the only right decision.
And I felt sorry for the policemen swallowed by this monster.
It’s just not clear why the science fiction writer Stern needed a mass
to be celebrated by Olga Larionova. Unfortunately, he himself does not
knew. Perhaps he's read a lot of hard-boiled action films like "Hotel U"
deceased climber", in which space super-Olga then women
shchinas, then men, and decided that these are the real heroes. It's all because-
for inexperience. However, the transformation into a charming person of another
sex came easily and naturally to him, that yes, then yes. Therefore, in yes-
In order to avoid confusion, Boris Stern is entirely acceptable
still be called: “Olga”, “she”, “woman”.
So, the man and woman, left alone, talked. A lot
They managed to ask each other questions until they remembered the main one:
where is the bus?
6. GLORY TO THE FISHERS!
The number plate on the bus was indeed the one with the
wife ExperiencedThe police wouldn’t sit down just anywhere, that’s clear. And smart girl
Lem wouldn't just go from walking to running. But the bus drove like...
that's too wrong, science fiction writers are after all
discovered. Having walked through the empty salon, they found themselves near
driver's cabin.
“What a strange driver,” he noticed, showing insight.
Major Rudenko.
“His hands are not like those of a driver,” supported Captain Brider, incredulously.
bro narrowing his eyes. - Gentle, like a writer’s.
- Or like an assassin.
- And he’s all too dark and curly. A foreigner, or what?
- No, it cannot be a foreigner. He's probably just a Jew.
- Jew?
- Well, like Seryozha Berezhny or Andryusha Nikolaev. Our person
century
- And on the forehead, look, there’s a tattoo! Dragon. Why dragon?
- Yes, criminals don’t do things like that. This is most likely not a dragon,
and the snake.
- Or maybe he has a basilisk tattoo?
- Exactly! Isn't he Burkin Julius? What, he’s working part-time. Yulia that's it
knows how to do - okay, drive a bus, and writes stories himself, and
records music, prints his own books and records, even pro-
He also gives them himself.
- Where is the boy then? Burkin doesn’t go anywhere without his son. Afraid
probably stay alone in the room.
The passengers called out to the driver:
- Hey, Julius!
He didn't look back. No, not Burkina.
Meanwhile, the bus suddenly stopped. The path was blocked by a crowd
pa demonstrators marching down the street. Overpeople's heads are painted
huge banners were displayed: “LITERATURE AND FICTION ARE ONE”,
"READING IS EVERYONE'S BUSINESS." Smaller slogans bristled:
“Glory to the letterpress!”, “Glory to us!”, “Glory to the Fishermen!” Right here
then there were posters with obscure remarks: “Artist
property!", "Turbo!", "Massaraksh!" - as if someone screamed -
howls in the crowd. A scarlet banner with a dragon in the upper right corner flew.
The dragon on the banner was not the same as the driver’s (he was evil, na-
moderately turned in the opposite direction - the dragon of the Right Path), and
true, Left Path.
The demonstrators chanted: "Doo-ra-ki! Do-ra-ki!" However, I have
whether he meant not the passengers of the stopped bus, but his other lite-
military opponents.
“Again, in my opinion, the “new collectivists,” suggested Borya
Rudenko.
- Or maybe “new egocentrists”?
- Who can sort them out, there are so many different ones now.
“In general, new,” Yura Brider summed up tiredly. - Something
require.
In fact, the march was organized by the influential party “For Fa-
science with a human face." These people, of course, had concerns
instructions (in particular, the general program: “Make way!”), but in na-
At the moment the column was simply heading towards the Writer's House, pa-
by implementing urban transport.
The demonstrators, having discovered the bus in their ranks, were delighted and
poured into the cabin. They were noisy and abrupt in their movements,
electrifiedunity, overflowing with righteousness and strength.
The street was soon empty.
Everyone fit in. They sat down decisively and began to shout: “Chief,
go to Liteiny!" The two passengers already sitting on the bus did not
They were indignant. After all, they also care about Liteiny. And they weren’t afraid. Firstly,
service weapon on the side, secondly, among the demonstrators there are solid
ours - at least this one...what's his name?..or the one with the bald head
- they say he’s also talented...
On Liteiny - just past the Augusteyshaya Hotel. Past that-
waiting for the man Lem and the woman Stern. Bus go-
hal, and the writers began to recite harmoniously: “We, realists,
broad-shouldered people!.."
7. TERRORIST NATANYCH
Someone may have already guessed that the bus driver was not pro-
one hundred driver. Or maybe not a driver at all, although he handled the car pro-
professionally. It was the terrorist Shchegolev, well known in Europe.
Rope, Asia, Africa and America. A huge number of high-profile
shares, some of which will be discussed later, and it’s not for nothing that
the ruthless man had the nickname "Contra". By the way, Shchegolev is...
same pseudonym. The criminal cynically appropriated the surname of a popular
politician and publicist, but the real Shchegolev at the moment, according to
As usual, he was sleeping.
The terrorist's real name was Natanich Ramirez Sanchez. By birth
from Colombia, he found refuge in the hospitable land of St. Petersburg -
le. His father, a South American bibliophile fanatic, named threesy-
newer: Arkady, Boris and Natanych, as a sign of respect, they themselves understand-
you go to someone. Two became hardworking farmers whose farms
are cialized on coca culture, and only the youngest grew up unknown
by whom. This is how it happens in life.
The kidnapping plan failed. The terrorist realized that instead of Nobe-
Levsky laureate, local police officers boarded his bus.
City Hall There was no way this could have been an accident. The exit was obvious
by itself - as if nothing had happened, follow the route, when
When the opportunity arises, remove the pharaohs and take away the wheels. True, for-
customers... mmm, oh, those customers! What will THEY say? Such a breakdown
the operation would not have been forgiven to anyone... It would have been wiser to “confuse”
route, having gone to the ring, turn around and move back - what
the criminal did.
But it is all the more necessary to remove the pharaohs.
The terrorist's hand occasionally reached for something hidden under the seat.
"Alex" (caliber 0.38 inches, rate of fire 300 per minute).
He was especially nervous when the police unceremoniously examined
take him down. The terrorist held back, realizing that his opponents did too
professionals. And I waited and waited for the moment.
It was here that the writers who burst into the salon completely confused him
cards.
8. SOMETHING FOR DESSERT
The hosts of the buffet-style banquet were on the safe side. Guests are invited
on Shpalernaya, 17 (false Olga and Stanislav mentioned the correct
address in your thoughts). But the Writer's House is located atSpa-
Lernaya, 18! It's nearby, on the contrary. The idea was this - about the exact me-
ste (Shpalernaya, 17) to inform only those who have been verified, but it is not desirable
Let respectful guests and simply fans of Lem head to the House
Let them search for the writer in vain. A beautiful idea.
Those gathered were waiting. There were welcoming posters: “Glory to Lem!”
- on one wall of the room, “Stasik Lem!” - to the other. Beckoned from
scenic wines and snacks. There were stacks of the novel "Diarrhea" everywhere,
written by a Nobel laureate following the famous novel
"Runny nose." The books were intended to be received in an organized manner
autographs, as if for dessert.
This fantastic detective story (meaning "Diarrhea") tells
called for the underground production of a completely new type of grape
- a controlled one, who was either sung or green. Pan Lem, however,
complained about this interpretation and argued that in fact he wrote
about the tragedy of an artificially intelligent creature - a fox, which
sometimes stupid, sometimes smart. Throughout the novel, the hero-investigator
suffers from stomach pain, and in the end dies without exposing anyone.
However, everything said in this chapter is irrelevant.
The laureate was delayed.
Mikhail Uspensky:
9. STERN IDENTIFICATION
But the fans also lingered. Sidorovich walked back and forth along
the hall, looking with dislike at the frail figure of the elderly
Swedish king. The king was inuniform, with all the regalia, why
people took him for a doorman and called him “daddy.”
“There was no need at all to euthanize him and take him out in the hold of a cargo ship
“Maniac Chikatilo,” thought Sidorovich. - I suppose your hands wouldn’t wither
I have to present the Nobel Prize myself."
In the corner of the hall, the pest doctor Lazarchuk has already spread out his ominous
general economy - artificial kidney, artificial heart, baro-
camera, apparatus for transfusion of blood of Christian infants - and
Now he beckoned Sidorovich with gestures to improve his health.
At this time, in the toilet, Leonid Ilyich looked in the mirror and thought
to myself: “Who is this handsome Moldovan? Isn’t it Sergei Ivanov?
No, I was already daydreaming..."
But even without that, Academician Chazov did a good job on it -
the transplanted organs of the young gorilla performed a miracle. Leonid looked
Ilyich is about thirty years old, no more. And the security officers came up with something for him
an excellent legend - a heroic, almost dissident past, yes
and they chose a suitable surname - Berezhnoy.
...The glass of the front door shattered loudly, and they burst into the hall
very good Major Rudenko and Captain Bryder. They are tight
leaned on a stranger of mysterious appearance and interior.
- Sidor, meet me! - Bryder made a noise. - Our man, drove
from Colombia, motherfucker!
“It has begun,” noted Sidorovich.
“It has begun!” thought the terrorist Natanych-Shchegolev joyfully.
Easily and freely infiltrated..."
Hecarefully looked around the hall, and the villain’s first concern was,
of course, Stern's identification.
“During the banquet it will be necessary to the left of the so-called “Lario-
new" to put, say, Lukin, and on the right, say, Uspensky. Yes-
whether it is Stern, a critical mass of incredible lethality is formed
strength. If Larionova is real... Well, that’s where they go!”
The terrorist Natanych-Shchegolev knew no pity. But then his look
fell on a majestic figure in a beard and glasses.
“He got ahead, the fucking carramba! Of course, old Whitman, nicknamed
"Walt" used his signature trick: he disguised himself as Loginov, and under
stuffed his shirt with about twenty kilograms of plastic explosives, like
like a belly... But it’s okay, I’ll make you a tie in Colombian style..."
10. THE CURSE OF OLD FLEISCHMANN
...Stolyarov peered intensely into the space beyond the window.
He carefully shaved his mustache and beard in the hope that Louise Telezhko would
St. Petersburg TV will mistake him for Lem and immediately conduct an interview, in which
he will pour out the first number to the overseas graphomaniacs. That's how it was
the monstrous plan of his cold, calculating brain.
Rumors followed Stolyarov that there was no Stolyarov
in general, but just in the early fifties they had sex in Leningrad
recent cloning experiments, and among the donors was a young student
B. Strugatsky.
This explained a lot, if not everything.
“Whitman, of course, has a pressure-action fuse,” he thought.
stingterrorist. - He comes up to Stolyarov, shakes hands - and there’s an explosion! He
I've done this dozens of times already..."
Leonid Ilyich Berezhnoy came out of the toilet, looking for someone to hug and
kiss.
“Don’t forget to fasten your buttons, Communist Party!” he said angrily
informed Sidorovich, but then he drove up to the destroyed door
refrigerator
- The fans have arrived! They are such originals!” the people began to roar. Fast
They threw back the bolt and opened the van doors.
The refrigerator was filled to the brim with cardboard boxes. On each
One of them bore the label “Electrofen “Moryana”.
Sidorovich opened the container, made sure that instead of Kazakov or
Baikalova there is really a hairdressing device, and garbage -
shaft to the side. Only on the last box was written: "Siphon
household "Sviyaga".
Sidorovich went cold.
“Someone on the way forwarded one letter in the invoice,” I guessed,
the boss said. “And that’s what we have!” Old Flay's curse comes true
scoundrel..."
Lazarchuk happily clanged his lancets in his corner.
And at the same time, forceps.
11. THE PAN WHO WAS MISSING
...Pan Stanislav showed up with a rather strange company - before-
suffice it to say that the most decent person in it was the writer
tel Kazantsev, whom the Polish classic respectfully called
"excellent".
“We’ll have to endure it,” Sidorovich gritted his teeth and shoved the seamstress
King's elbow:
- Let's go, dad!
For some reason, instead of the Nobel speech, Pan Stanislavclimbed on
table and began to recite Mickiewicz’s immortal lines from the poem
"Pan Tadeusz, or the last attack on Lithuania":
That’s not a thing -
Z(a)bits kr(u)ka
(A)le s(o)vu
Vtr(a)fit in gl(o)vu.
Combination(s)
For zhel(e)zha -
G(o)lem d(u)pem
B(a)b(e)zha!
Everyone applauded, only Rybakov, known for his sudden daring
the severity of his actions, he also climbed onto the table and shouted: “Everyone praise-
lyat, but I spit on your Lem!” He literally spat on the classic's bald head.
True, he was immediately horrified by his act and began to wash
spitting with a jacket sleeve.
The spit disappeared, followed by the bald head, revealing a tousled
soaked hair.
- Laidaki! - the false gentleman yelled. - To the point of stupidity! Giji of the city of St. Petersburg!
His pants also fell off, revealing old official
Russian trousers.
It was... It was...
However, readers have already guessed who it was
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