Spectrofon #07 30 июня 1994

Юмор

Warm greetings - a humorous story on computer topics "Virtual Theater.

        Warm greetings


"S": What is virtual reality? To this question you will answer 
any schoolboy. In our age computers and computer games

when on every street corner
you hear: RAM, ROM, processor, or even something like:
mother, intruha, Toon, - it becomes clear that the computer
slang firmly embedded in our everyday life. A
therefore not far off,
when virtual reality
as a result of rampant computerization of the planet will 
divide our the world into two halves: the real and

virtual.



   How humanity will solve
problems that arise after the separation of the world? What
prospects open to any who would prefer a virtual world? And 
look at him those who remain in the real world? These questions 
are not so easily find answers.



   In offering you a humorous story
"Virtual" problem solved
clearly and unambiguously, and as will be
really? ..


   So we have again a guest
e-magazine "PC-REVIEW".



(C) Sergei Simonovic, 1994


      VIRTUAL THEATRE


            Prologue

            ~~~~~~

   - Lord! Attention please!
Today on our agenda
very important point.


   - Tell me, nobody saw my
Glasses?


   - Professor, why do you need glasses?
Here the dark?


   - Without glasses, I feel,
as no, sorry, sorry, pants. Maybe someone will?


   - Well, give someone points, and finally relax.


I want to put on the agenda
One important point about which I
Today it became known from the magazine dedicated to computer
Games.


   - That's right, it's time! I
declare that if the
our house did not return a domino, then
I'm all, like my friends
orderly rows will not go
tomorrow's shot.


   - And you, the Secretary shall
be aware that the dominoes - no
chocolate and swallow it is not necessary.



   - Sam know that is not chocolate
but what happens when you otsushili "empty-empty? This is a 
purely game time and if you're talking about games, then I put 
the question of returning to the House of dominoes. Do-mi-no! 
Do-mi-no! Puck puck up-mi-no! Shay ....



   - S-s-s-s ... Bitten, crazy, and
another said he did not exuberant.


   - Gentlemen, please do not be expressed. There are no 
crazies, a colleague. From now on we are all virtual realists, 
that is, of course not all, and those who were with us at the 
same time long.



   - What, are the realists?



   - Virtual! I'm here
read that there was a
thing is called a virtual
reality. Abroad from her
all simply melt away. Special glasses to wear over his ears, to
Computer Connect, a program for big money in the drive and 
insert the full thrill, you'll forget your name. 


   - I will not forget, today I am Napoleon.


   - Do not interrupt, Emperor,
about you, too, have the program.


   - And about me and about me? - In
one voice cried out, and the Registrar
The leader of a bed in the corner.



   - About all there, but it's not
this. The main thing is that we
you are at the forefront
turn the world of science and should
understand and feel their responsibility to humanity. After 
all, what we currently know? That we are tired, sick and we 
need help? No, gentlemen, it's not us, but they need our help. 
Well, what they know about virtual reality? Nothing. And to us 
it is, my dear, long time close and clear.



   - Uh-uh! I do not understand.
I just can not explain what
this is such a thing?


   - Let you, Mr. Golubkov, professor explained, he
better come out.



   - Well, imagine
Leon, what you wake up in the morning and
get up and go to work you
does not want to.


   - So, I was well.


   - Well, now, without getting
out of bed, put on his head
helmet, pick up the machine, in
pockets put RGD and ...


   - ... moves on Varshavka 26?


   - Do not ... do not interrupt. Well
Let us differently, to hell with it, with
helmet. Puts on his ears panamku and idiotic smile on the face. 
Barefoot finger of his right leg click on the button of his

computer and ... go out into the streets unfamiliar city.


   And there is our range. Our
on the tram, our beach,
all singing and dancing under the palm trees.
Pours a beautiful music, rustling
cars, and then out of the hatch and Vanya
pops out and yells: "Hey, Leon, look, yes there wheel !!!". You
See and accurately, wow ...
does the steering wheel. That such
Here's a virtual reality.


   - It's all nonsense!


   - That, Lenya! Of course,
nonsense, and all know about it, but
pretend that the way it should
be. This is exactly the virtual reality. Then you walk, vodka 
and beer in roadside eatery drink, all you Like, "ihnim" too 
something incomprehensible to you like it.




   When bored, clicked a button, and again at home in his native
bed. And the next day again there
same. Vanya asks where you are,
say, Leon, yesterday zapropastilsya,
and you know that the house was asleep
in bed, but you can not explain it, because you have been for 
him in virtual reality, and he

respectively, for you too
the same, but in his. Well, now you understand??


   - Nah ...


   - Okay, explain to those
who understood. But if you're in the reality under the car will 
enter, everything should be natural, squeal

brakes, the stench emitting rubber
broken glass and the nose of the hood. Well?



   - Now sort of understand. Here is my
neighbor, Sidorov, as he falls asleep,
begins to shout that the tractor
it crushes. And so for ten years.
He, therefore, also of virtual reality?


   - Well, yes, we are all here virtual realists.


   - Wait, Professor, let's not get ahead of ourselves and
indiscriminately ochohivat mass. Needed
personal approach. Problem
We understood the now institutional issues should be 
formalized. I suggest to create a public organization OVIR - 
Society Virtual realists. Headquarters You can register for a 
Leader figvame. Right now we take the Constitution and

Program.



   Predagayu only accept
conscious OVIRovtsev on two recommendations, and in the Party's 
program to require a change of diagnosis ... 


   - And the return of domino-ah-ah ...


   - Well, the Secretary, let's
discuss. Who wants to speak?


   - Can I?


   - Are you a citizen Leon, need
take OVIR without discussion
and recommendations. In our eyes
you will always be an honorary member
party. I also propose that in absentia
considered realistic virtual
and all other shareholders of A / O
MMM and apply them, and about
changed the diagnosis in the public eye.


   - It's good, that is correct,
people will understand.


   - And here you are, Secretary of
opinions?


   - I, in general, fundamentally,
Of course, I have an opinion on this
issue and consider it necessary to initiate and deepen, and 
therefore I ask put on record that it should be

conduct.


   - Dark ...


   - Who has the candle? Napoleon, you have candles?


   - Only procaine.


   - Okay, and such will go.
Insert the Secretary and let him continue.


   - We need to understand the essence
problem, but it seems to me, is clear and understandable. 
Current Fall makes us happy, but also very sad. We need to 
overcome in its consciousness of the objective reality

and understand that all problems are due to the fact that we 
have get some of the CIS. After

what do we have? It should be dropped, mowing
not what they used to, Ukraine and Belarus Division, and 
dominoes away.



   - I propose to consider the Secretary of virtual realist with
experience, give him a party ticket and the length of stay in 
credit our walls as a candidate. Who for?



   - So passed unanimously.
Incorporated into the record.


   - So dark the same!


   - Napoleon, another candle! AND
continue. Who's next? Thus,
Now you, Ivan. You did what?


   - I do not remember. We say that
belogoryachim was, but I do not believe it.
There was no fever, brother
Lenya confirm. Devils were
but not white, and green. Teasing bastards, so I could not 
resist, until they caught, furniture and mirrors for five 
lemons mangled. But I got to do and if they have there

no order? Sanepidemstantsiyu
cause it is necessary, disinfected
everything. And then they first climb
God knows where, and then the unwashed
feet on the plates run, grimace, and say bad words.


   - Yes, Ivan, complicated case.
On the one hand, like we
you have more than one day together and you
like, ours is quite a virtual
realist. Brother Lenya Honored
and honorary OVIRovtsa have, but with
On the other hand, what is there
virtuality? In the computer
magazine because it is written? That
Everything should be as in-kind and
tell that here, and that there, quite impossible. And you 
little devils Common! Well, green, and of

what? What is there to virtual?
Virtual - is when it's like
would have at the same time as his
not. And hell, so who
they have not seen? I've been and how he
to overfishing.


   - And I, I .... I am!



   - So what, Vanya, was quick to
Professor of us in the visa department without
interview record. Have to deal with you specifically.
Do you have any extenuating circumstances?


   - Yes! There are two things! Today I passed.
Four stars, the Moldovan
spill, other than the circumstances.


   - A lot of people, not at all
enough.


   - And we Registrar Lyonka-turns reveals not give, and they 
both virtual, it is the case without

use, and we right in color will be.



       Circumstance 1.

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   - Quack-ya-ya-yak! Went well!
Well, gentlemen, we will continue our meeting. Ivan, stop 
crying in What is it?



   - Oh, I'd see my pals. All my life I worked honestly, now I 
sit and sick, and Lyonka-idiot with no exams

OVIR accepted. Why such a
injustice?


   - In your case the solution still
not issued before the end of parsing
all the circumstances and I suggest
to consider other candidates.


   - Offered Napoleon, too,
included in the visa department honorary member,
again about his computer programs they write. And his request 
to change the diagnosis. 

   - Do not!!


   - What is it, Napoleon?


   - Do not ruin, and friends. What I
wrong done to you? I can not,
diagnosis changed. I am for her manic-depressive syndrome that 
kind of money he gave such a machine gave up the apartment 
given that I did not change the diagnosis,

while the prosecutor is not closed.
Want, I'll be a virtual realistic, like real virtualistom I 
hire programmers, they and about your virtual programs

write, the diagnosis does not change.


   - So you are against the program
Party?


   - No, I'm for, then there is little
not really.

   - The case of a complex and neglected to leave him be. It is 
unacceptable that in our series was people, not dividing our 
founding documents. What example of the younger generation?

Now rapidly developing
16, 32 and even 64-bit
top box, and from day to day
We must begin to act
neobstrelyannoy crowd of young people,
daffy on these debilnikah, and we're demonstrating a lack of 
unity in our CC? I propose to consider a private matter of a 
citizen of Napoleon. 


   - There are still circumstances
all considered.



   - And I suggest that Napoleon
remove, because there is only one circumstance and
at all will not suffice.


   - Voting. So, passed unanimously. Recorded in the minutes.


   - So dark the same!


   - Still a candle to the Registrar.



       Circumstance 2.

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   - P-ûûû-s-s-s-k. Went well! There is a proposal to recognize
Vanino as mitigating circumstances. Adopted unanimously. That
you say, Secretary? Quorum
No? As no where did he go? A
The leader of disconnected? Well, his push apart and more 
firewater This Chingachkuku not give.


   - P-p-n-ah-ah-aprashu words.


   - Come on Professor, kolis.
Inform people about their place in
virtual reality.


   - Colleagues Tell me honestly, you
I respect?


   - Respect, respect, you're on
There is talk.


   - I'm ashamed, but I must
confess that I am not worthy to be
with you in the same ranks. No, I
no virtual realist, and the most
Common - technical.


   - Ah, but then we thought you
dissident.



   - That's what I used to think
when the perpetual motion machine invented
and for me the KGB dog follows. I'm home from work, walked 
barefoot, to mark not taken, but they there cunning, they are 
my co-workers recruited and those Masons cursed at me and 
brought the file here sent. I wrote to the UN statement, which 
to me have violated human rights and deprived me of freedom 
words and generally executed without trial to hide

from the world my
discovery, and his doctor in history
hem disease and said that he
for this diagnosis is enough.


   - So why did you wrote it,
if you did not shoot?



   - Ah, young man, young man. Well, it's so simple. As I wrote 
it after how the shot? No, I do them

All tricked, I had pre-
written. Here and now I look back on a past life and understand 
that everything is virtual, I do not fit. I even trolley when I 
go, always ticket taking. Maybe you do not

throw me an exception will accept a candidate at least for
the first time?


   - Professor, and you do not
mitigating circumstances?


   - Over ...



   - Look, - said the secretary. - Why are all the same
simple. Professor, of course, not
virtual realist, but he
and is itself a virtual reality.


   - How, how?


   - It's easy, Lenya! Times
a statement from him that he
was shot, it means that as
not. And this, incidentally,
legal document. And since it
sitting here with us under the bed
then he seems to be true. Whether
there is, if not - is unclear. Here
this virtual theater, in
computer program.


   - Who pushed the button?


   - Which button?


   - Well, the same one barefoot
finger of his right leg when in the hands of an automaton, but 
the work does not go desirable.



   - The professor, who gave you the button
pressed, explain to his friends.


   - I do not know, nobody did not seem to click.


   - And then where the professor
virtual reality? Maybe
it does not it in the virtual
reality, but just the opposite
We, as it is not? That is
not so, it is, but we do not. Here
Yesterday when I was not here, you
where he was, Professor?


   - The enema went.


   - And where was I?


   - Do you drive with Vanya on television cool.


   - No, Leon, I just yesterday
Maria danced - said Vanya.


   - Stop! Stop! Stop! So it
will not let us order
understand. If the professor was
by enema, Leon turned the wheel, and
Vania Maria dance, then who
pressed a button and where it
put a helmet and gun? ...



         Instead of an epilogue

         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


           Chairman of the Committee

           on the seal of the Minister

            Health



       Memo


   Dear Mr. President. I draw your attention to the
a sharp deterioration in health status in patients entrusted to 
me institutions. Internal investigation conducted by staff

Ministry, found that
aforesaid UCZ occurred in
result of uncontrolled reading periodicals
computer topics.



   I ask you to take immediate steps
to prevent the publication in
open print information relating to virtual reality
computer games, and other literature related to computer 
engineering, selling strongly in specially designated areas, 
away from public places use, upon presentation of registration 
certificate of the reader. 

        Sincerely,

        Minister of Health.


   Visa is the Minister of Finance: I consider it expedient to 
establish license fee for obtaining

certificate in the amount of 20 to
200 minimal salaries, and the collection
funds entrusted to the Ministry of Internal Affairs.


   Visa Minister of the Interior:
This is good, the money we need.