Energy #05 29 мая 1997

Narration - The chronic loser.

             NARRATIVES



           Chronic failure.



  Commander in Chief Bull said Underwood deceptively
a soft voice:

  - I have the impression that you
something something back. For example, you
had in mind when he said: "Around him
always something happening?

  - Well, for example, in the very first day of the arrival of 
Mitch in the Academy, during a demonstration firing a cannon 
exploded. 

  - Gun? Something familiar ...

  - An ancient weapon, before the era of self-guided
systems - said the head of the Military Academy. - For the gun 
used in the shells with gunpowder. We usually demonstrate them 
in the course of history. At this time four shell-shocked 
audience. The next day another sixteen were injured during 
ground maneuvers. 

  - Yes, your kids got pretty -
shocked said the commander in chief.

  General Bentley wiped sweat from his forehead with snow-white 
handkerchief, and shook his head. 

  - Believe me, sir, since, like
We at the Academy appeared Mitchie Fartingvort,
everything went topsy-turvy. Fires in the barracks,
explosions in stockpiles; students as bowling,
tumbled to the right and left. We simply need to allocate this 
guy! 

  - Do not talk nonsense! - Roared the commander in chief. - 
You know how it is worn it papa. We should make him a hero,

even if we have to lose your entire fleet.
But I still can not understand, why
you're driving? Perhaps you're trying to imply
that Fartingvort Jr. saboteur?

  - No way! We conducted a thorough investigation. All this is 
happening beyond his control. Sam Mitchie nothing to do with

nothing.

  - Yes, stop calling him as Mitchie! -
dissatisfied cried the commander in chief. - How do you
know what all this because of him? Perhaps
this is just a string of failures.

  - I, too, such thinking -
said Bentley - until then, until a talk with Gen. Lawrence from 
the Academy Space Infantry. He told me exactly

same story. In a day when Mitchie
- Excuse me, sir, Michael Fartingvort - crossed the threshold 
of the Academy in San Diego, they have troubles began, which 
continued until as long as they do not throw them out us. Then 
everything stopped. For them. 

  At that moment, Bull Underwood regretted that
he is bald. At most times it's time to tear his
hair. He sniffed the air with noise and turned to the 
robot-Secretary: 

  - Personal file cadet Michael Fartingvorta, fast!

  Leaning stone chin on his fist,
commander in chief grumbled:

  - Not that I'm a war with the Martians, which stretches for 
nearly a hundred years, so now still on my head fell off this

boy.

  Less than a minute, as the Secretary said:

  - The son of Senator Warren Fartingvorta,
Chapter Committee poderzhkoy Army. Twenty
two years. Height - five feet, six inches.
Weight - one hundred thirty pounds. Blue eyes,
Dark hair. Sociable. Born and
spent his childhood in the former United States. At eighteen he 
entered the Harvard University, but interrupted his studies 
after as it collapsed ceiling that killed

most of the course. The following year he entered Yale, from 
left Two months later, after ninety percent of the university 
buildings burned down during an unprecedented fire. Following a 
University of California, which he failed to finish due to an 
earthquake completely destroyed ... 

  - Enough - cut off the commander in chief. He
stared at General Bentley. -
What the heck? Even if the guy was
saboteur-psihokinetikom, he could not
so many bells and whistles.

  Head of the Academy of shook his head sadly.

  - I know one thing: ever since he arrived
the Academy, troubles follow one
another. And more and more. At least now everything is twice as 
worse than in the beginning. - He struggled to his

feet. - Sir, I take responsibility for further developments. 
Evening at You will lie on the table my report on the

resignation. Frankly, I'm even afraid
return to the Academy. If I do that to me can happen that
whatever. I can break the spine when
stoop down to tie his shoelaces. Stay with this guy just
dangerous.

  After the departure of General Commander of the Bull 
Underwood still sat at the table, thoughtfully sticking out his 
lower lip. 

  - And this is the moment when the nose Certification 
Commission, which will be addressed question about my new 
assignment - he complained to God knows whom. 

  Glaucus turned to the Secretary:

  - Send the best analysts to
Michael Fartingvortu. Let them find out ...
uh ... let them find out what the hell is happening to him! The 
degree of importance - number one.



                  oh oh oh


  About a week later Secretary reported:

  - Sir, on the line of the report with the heading "Special
is important. "

  Glaucus satisfaction chuckled and walked away
from the star chart, which he studied with
two generals from the Cosmic Infantry.
Gesture, he dismissed them and sat down
table.

  Monitor lit by blue light, and
It's face appeared an elderly person.

  - Dr. Dyuklos - he introduced himself. -
Case cadet Michael Fartingvorta.

  - Excellent! And what's going on with Fartingvortom Jr.?

  - Guy - a chronic loser.

  - What? - Stared at him commander in chief.

  - Loser - happy to proartikuliroval doctor. - There is reason 
to believe that the worst case described in medical history. 
Indeed, this is an amazing story. Never before in

my practice ...

  - Doctor, please, closer to the subject. That
means - a chronic loser?

  - Ah, yes. In short, it is inexplicable
phenomenon, discovered by insurance companies X | X-XX 
centuries. Hrononeudachnik - man who constantly gets into 
trouble situation, or what happens more

less, they get around. In the case of
with Fartingvortom is just the second.
He does not suffer.

  Bull Underwood puzzled frown.

  - You want to say that there are people who by their very 
presence provokes nestchastnye cases?


  - Absolutely - nodded Dyuklos. -
Most of hrononeudachnikov predictable. But the nature of the 
forces that drive Fartingvortom, we are not yet known. - 
Emotional issued a Gallic shrug the origin of the doctor. - 
There is a hypothesis that we are dealing with the law 
unpredictable randomness. In order to balance hrononeudachnika, 
we must have on hand extraordinarily lucky person. Although ...


  Guba Commander Bulla Underwood sway
almost to the chin.

  - Doctor, - he interrupted. - And what happened to him
do?

  - No - replied the doctor, shrugging again
shoulders. - Hrononeudachnik incurable. K
Fortunately, such people - a rarity.

  - Well, not so uncommon - growled the commander in chief. - 
What do these insurance company when it detects a similar ...

instance?

  - Take care of his life, refusing to insurance as himself, and
the people around him: relatives, friends, co-workers ..

  A whole minute, the commander in chief sat pensively
looking at his companion. Finally he stood up.

  - Thank you, doctor.

  Face disappeared from the screen.

  Turning to the Secretary, Bull Underwood
he said slowly:

  - Call me cadet Michael Fartingvorta. - And under his breath 
he added: - A entire staff let them cross your fingers

- For good luck.


                  oh oh oh


  The door to the solar cells gently slid
direction, and arrived in the holy of holies Command Lieutenant 
swagger salute:


  - Sir, Cadet Michael Fartingvort delivered.

  - Let him come. Yes, wait a minute. Lt.
Brown, how do you feel?

  - I? Excellent, sir! - Lieutenant Commander looked bewildered.

  - Hmm. Well, let's go down.

  The lieutenant turned and the door automatically opened 
before him. 

  - Cadet Fartingvort - he called.

  He came in and stood awkwardly at the table
High Glavnokomaduyuschego. Glaucus measured him with a watchful 
eye. Despite on the shape of the Military Academy, Michael 
Fartingvort was a pretty dull spectacle. His pale blue eyes

thick contact lenses sad blinked.

  - Thank you, sir, - nodded adjutant
Commander in Chief.

  - Yes, sir, - he saluted, he turned
and clearly printing step toward the exit.
As soon as he suffered a leg over the threshold, the door was 
abruptly twitched and closed.


  Glaucus flinched at the sound of breaking
bones and tearing flesh. He shrugged
shoulders and, turning to the secretary, said:

  - Soon! And may prepare documents
the presentation of medals to Lt. Moon
for the wounded during the fighting.

  Glaucus turned sharply to the profit and
immediately got down to business.

  - Cadet Fartingvort, you know that
such hrononeudachnik?

  - Yes, sir. - Mitchie's voice was quiet and inexpressive.

  - So do you know? - Surprised the commander in chief.

  - Yes, sir. Initially, all these things with fires in schools 
in particular did not surprise me, because I did not associate 
them with him, but the older I got, the more any

Accident happened around me. After
his first interview I began to imagine
straight.

  - And what happened during the visit? -
asked cautiously Bull Underwood.

  - I invited a girl to dance, and she
immediately broke her leg.

  Glaucus coughed, clearing his throat.

  - So what conclusion did you come?

  - I was terribly unlucky man, sir. AND
with each year getting worse and worse - Avalanche
failures have increased exponentially.
I am sincerely happy that you noticed it, sir.
I. .. I just do not know what to do. You
the right to take any action.

  Glaucus slightly relaxed. Perhaps
all is not as bad as he imagined.

  - Allow me, I'll call you Mitch.

  - Certainly, sir. So call me.

  - Have you, Mitch, what ever reasons? In the end, you have 
done to Earth such damage, which can not and

expeditionary force of Martians.

  - Yes, sir. I thought about it and came to
thought it best to shoot me. I
the most useless soldiers on Earth, although
entire life dreaming of battles with the Martians. -
His sad eyes blinked. Bitter sigh distractedly Mitchie said: - 
Who am I? Chronic loser! - He tried to ironic laugh, but his 
voice trembled. 

  Glaucus heard behind him without
apparent reason shattered window
glass. He blinked nervously, but did not turn.

  - Excuse me, sir, - Mitchie muttered.

  - Look, - said hoarsely, commander in chief. -
Be-ka for a couple of steps away, okay?

  He cleared his throat again.

  - Honestly, we have to figure out how
get rid of you, but could not
invented. The shooting would be, of course, the optimal 
solution, but the political weight of your father ... 

  Suddenly, for no reason, no reason at all Secretary of 
singing: 

  - Varkala. Slithy shorki pyryalis on
wabe ... (*)

  Commander in chief closed his eyes as from a sudden
pain, and gently asked:

  - Ch-ch-what?

  - And glyukotali borogoves - strongly pronounced robot 
secretary and was silent. 

  Mitchie looked at him

  - Broke, - groaned Bull Underwood. -
The world's best memory bank! No! I do not
stand!

  - Yes, sir! - Apologetically said
Mitch. - And I would not recommend to fix this
apiece. The last time due to short circuit killed three 
electrics. 

  Secretary sang:

  - In gluschobu way it lies under a tree
thump-thump ...

  - Completely crazy - commented Mitch.

  - No, it's too much! Senator or the Senator, the appointment 
or dismissal, but I own hands ...


  Glaucus rapidly rushed forward, but
at the same time felt like carpet
track under his feet, crawling to the side.
Trying in vain to grab the edge of the table
he caught the tablecloth, and heard thunder crashed decanter: 
the water had flooded all the documents. 

  Mitchie made a motion, intending to help.

  - Do not nobody move! - Thunder sounded Komad. Kneeling, 
Commander of rubbing one arm bruised leg and the other - 
Clenching her fist - threatens Mitchie. 

  Water dripping on his shaved head, but it
not cooled the ardor of the general's.

  - Yes, you even destroy the unsafe!
To assemble the firing squad, we should like
at least to destroy the whole regiment. This is ...

  Suddenly, the commander in chief was silent, and when again
spoke, his voice was the same
tenderness as a vulture, vulture,
who saw their prey.

  - Cadet Fartingvort - solemnly
he said. - After careful and lengthy
reflection, I decided to entrust to you
the most dangerous and noble operation in the history of the 
Armed Forces of the Earth. If successful, the war, no doubt, 
will be victorious over. 

  - Who, me? - Asked Mitchie.

  - Yes, the cadet. The war has already lasted
a century, and none of the parties
achieved even a minimal advantage. Fartinngvort cadet, you are 
chosen for the application of the last and decisive blow, which 
Earth will finally prevail over the Martians. - Commander 
pierced Mitchie look. - Are you ready?


  - Yes, sir! - Mitchie saluted
clicking his heels smartly. - Waiting for your orders!

  Commander in chief face brightened.

  - Here are words of a true hero! The cosmodrome is small 
razvedydatelnaya missile. Instant start to Mars. On arrival

rocket mask, while he himself to go
in the capital.

  - Yes, sir. What next?

  - Nothing - with a feeling of full satisfaction of the 
commander in chief said. - Absolutely nothing. Live. Simply 
exist. According to my calculations, your presence in the enemy

capital will lead to ending the war in about two years.

  - Yes, sir! - Smartly saluted
Michael Fartingvort.

  In the basket of securities that something broke.


                  oh oh oh


  Through the broken glass was heard well
the roar of rocket engines. A dozen miles from the
Staff of the sky lit up in flames.

  Sitting in the middle of the shattered office,
Commander of gently massaged the knee.

  "The only problem is that after
victory we will have to withdraw Mitchie home
- He thought. But then it dawned. - And what,
if you leave it there as the occupying forces? For Mars it will 
end! " 

  Trying to get to his feet, turned to the Commander of the 
robot-Secretary: 

  - "Send a couple of nurses!

  - Oh, fear Jabberwocky, my son! - Answered
Secretary.


(*) Here and below, the Secretary cites a poem by Lewis 
Carroll's "Jabberwocky." 


                    Text typed DEMON / LGN