Energy #02 26 марта 1997

Юмор

joke - 30 jokes.

                JOKES



     What is our life - the game! Here's a question asked at 
the beginning of a game show "What Where, When. "And what does 
it mean to our lives without humor and laughter. This means 
that a person will lead a gray, boring and not how it is 
remarkable existence. And there will be a It is no joy in life, 
can be only - nadrinkatsya somewhere in the bar,

yes that's all and fun. And this section, I hope, will cause 
your face at least a small smile.



                  x x x


     Chukchi persuaded to take on hunting an American tourist. 
They went deep into the forest, came to the den. - Your watch 
Chukchi not interfere, - says Chukchi.

And there was a Chukchi jump in the den, crying,
stick to disturb the owner of the taiga. Awoke
Bear and the offender moved. Chukchi
skiing and running. Sees an American, is catching up
Chukchi bear. Shot, struck the bear.
Runs up to him Chukchi:
- Why fired? Very bad hunter!
As the carcass will be to pull the plague?


                  x x x

Chukchi caught for stealing gold. Militiaman
interrogated, and the other Chukchi translates:
- Where to put the gold, - asks the policeman.
- He says not to take - takes Chukchi.
- Tell him - says the policeman - if
Now do not say it'll have his shot.
- He says he will not say where gold,
You will shoot a little bit.
- Under yaranga buried in a jar -
confessed thief.
- He said - moved Chukchi - shoot!
Still does not tell you.


                  x x x

Chukchi rides in a taxi in Moscow. Ahead
Drunk. The driver tries to overtake, but
wherever in the direction it may turn drunk
to the same slopes, but that almost slipped through
taxi driver by a drunkard, then opened the Chukchi
the car door and knocked a drunkard:
- Not a bad hunter - said Chukchi
taxi driver - without a Chukchi, would have left.


                  x x x

Chukchi sitting on the beach, fishing. Suddenly
pops up an American submarine:
- Hello! You do not see where the Soviet
U-boat sailed?
Chukchi pointed a finger.
- Nord-West! - Has ordered the captain.
Half an hour later emerges Soviet
Submarine:
- Fellow, not seen where the Americans
floated?
- Nord-West - said Chukchi.
- Well, you - the captain said - enough
clever, show your finger!


                  x x x

Deltoplanerist gone. Ask
Chukchi, not whether he flew.
- No, - says the Chukchi - this is not
flying. - A large eagle flew. All
Cartridges shot while he was a man of
clutches produced.


                  x x x

Got lost two of the Chukchi in the woods. One
says:
- Shoot, who can hear.
Once fired Chukchi, nothing. Another
every shot - the silence, the third time
shoots, no one hears.
- Shoot more, - said comrade.
- I can not - responsible arrows - arrows
ended.


                  x x x

Chukchi session of the Supreme Council requires
condemn the Romanov dynasty:
- What sold Alaska and Chukotka
left?


                  x x x

Chukchi in Moscow had lost his wife. Came to
police, asks him to help her
find.
- What is it - ask the duty -
signs describe.
- What other sign?
- Well, - explains the duty - my
wife, slim, tall, blue-eyed.
- My old, bow-legged, - says
Chukchi - better to give your look.


                  x x x

Chukchi walking down the street, his neck
cloth wound on the arm hanging
huge bass trumpet, but for him he pulls on the
a rope or two cows.
- Chukchi, where are you going? -
asks the passer-by.
- Chukchi Bath name.
- A pipe and a cow to you why?
- I was told to go bath, with heifers
buzz.


                  x x x

Compartment of a train. Night. Din. Frightened
passengers are asked:
- What happened?
- It's my shirt fell, - says
Russian guy.
- Why so loud?
- Yes, I get out of it no time!


                  x x x

African king-multimillionaire in
which was the only daughter of the successor-
of marriageable age, held a reception in his palace.
Almost all the men present actively
cared for the royal daughter, with species
she and her dowry. Once all
hard drinking, father-king demanded
Silence:
- Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Who is online
cross the the river, the crocodile-infested,
he shall receive a hand of my daughter!
Everything froze on the beach in a coffin
silence, staring with horror into the water. Suddenly
Russian with a loud splash, fell into the river and
feverishly working hands and feet, in one
moment was on the other side.
Running up the princess threw herself on
neck:
- You are a true hero, my dear, I - yours!
- I need now is not you and that bastard
who shoved me in the back!


                  x x x

- I'm in the bus wanted to give a slap in the face!
- How do you know?
- Do not want to, so have not given b!


                  x x x

Ilya of Murom came to the restaurant, sat at
table. Called the waiter and orders:
- A bucket of vodka.
- What will you eat?
- That's it, darling, I'll eat.


                  x x x

The store gives the cheese. Most of all. Here
climbs a man and yells:
- Cheese!
They gave him without a queue, after ten minutes
he asks the cheese. Again given. So
repeated several times. Interested
people came out for syrolyubom. Look, the
sat near an open sewer
well, and throws back the pieces of cheese. A cheese
bul-bul ...
- Who's there? - Ask.
- Do not know, but I love cheese.


                  x x x

In the train compartment's mother says her son, as
have children:
- Take the clay, molded blank, then
if it is to bathe in milk, a boy,
and if in the water - a girl.
Georgians, leaning from the second shelf
interested asks:
- And that abolished the old way?


                  x x x

Airliner TU-154 flies in
between Moscow and Tbilisi. Unexpectedly
all in the cockpit breaks
armed Georgians, and put a gun to
head first pilot, requires:
- Turn Tbilisi!
- So we, my dear, and so on flight
Tbilisi!
- You talk less, give Tbilisi!
- Yes, you understand, and so we're flying to Tbilisi!
- The last time I'm telling you, come on
Tbilisi! And then the third time I fly, Tbilisi, and
land Istanbul!


                  x x x

In a train compartment:
- How can I teach you, - says
mother daughter - do not eat eggs, silver
spoon, and silver from the eggs are wasted.
- Live and learn! - Said the Georgians
shifting silver watch into the inner
jacket pocket.


                  x x x

Georgian toast:
- "Once Sulek and Shota and fell in love
other. Fell in love and married. Only
married, have to go to Shota
trip.
- Do not worry - he says his young wife,
three days back.
Three days passed, it took three times three
day, and Shota is not returned, ten
times in three days, and Shota all there.
Very anxious young wife, sent in
ten cities of ten true friends
telegram. And they came from ten cities
ten true friends telegram:
- Do not worry, Shota us!
So let's drink to the faithful friends who are not
sum is in trouble! "


                  x x x

Traffic policeman stops a Georgian,
riding on the Volga.
- What are your rights?
- Please.
- My dear, it's the same right to manage
plane TU-154!
- What trailer? What were, are and
bought!


                  x x x

Overgrown hair Georgians lay on the couch
vomiting, chest hair, roaring and laughing, and
torn hair neatly folds in
bag.
- What is it? - Asked relatives.
- Georgia - explains the poor -
failed to plan for wool. And we,
Communists were obliged to own skin
pay. Roar of pain. But how
remember that Armenia egg plan
frustrated, so stifled laughter!


                  x x x

Georgians fell into a chasm. Another he cries:
- Vic, are you alive?
- Live!
- A head?
- A!
- A hand?
- A!
- A Foot?
- A!
- So get out!
- Wah, listen! I have not yet fallen!


                  x x x

Georgians with a girl riding in silence in the compartment
train.
- The girls - can not withstand the Georgians. - You
why are you silent?
- I want to and keep quiet! - She replied.
- Hochet and silent! - Terrified Georgians.


                  x x x

In Odessa, drowning man, and yells:
- Help me, Help me! (Help, help!)
On the shore is from Odessa and clicks
seeds. Approach is different and asks:
- Sho happened?
- Why, until all Odessa studied
swim, this polyglot taught English
language.


                  x x x

At a tram stop a man
asks a woman:
- Before the "Children's world" on the deuce
doedu?
- No, - she says - take the
first ...
- And I said, just a second.
- So what comes out, I deliberately enter
you astray? Hence, I say
truth? In other words, I'm lying?
It turns out I was a breach, right? What is it,
you think I'm a dog! Policeman! It made me
had called a bitch!


                  x x x

Call at the mansion of Lord Hamilton. K
phone fits the butler:
- Sir?
- My dear, - said the tube - whether
good, come into the room to the lady and tell her
that I stay at the club.
- But the lady has already gone to bed, sir.
- Nevertheless, go to her and reported that
I asked.
In the tube could be heard retreating, and then
approaching footsteps butler.
- Sir, I reported, but your voice replied
me out the door, so I was removed.
- Immediately take a gun and shoot
a person who is in the bedroom with
my wife!
In the tube shots heard, stampede.
- Sir, I did everything as you said, but
a man jumped out of the bedroom window and ran away
through the garden.
- But in front of our house there is no garden!
- So, you have the wrong number, sir.


                  x x x

Japanese returned from Russia, ask him
countrymen, the complex is the Russian language?
- Very, very complex - said the Japanese,
every word has many many meanings,
many synonyms, and all must be kept here
here - tapped his forehead - in zope.


                  x x x

Award winners swim across the Thames.
Third place - a gift of the Queen -
Rolls-Royce. Second prize - a gift
Queen - socks associated itself
queen. Winner of second place
indignant:
- My God, what nonsense is this? Some socks
Second place! Yes I have this your queen!
- No, sir! This - possessor of first place.


                  x x x

- What are you Anka, Divisional Commander honor is not
give?
- I already gave Petya!


                  x x x

One day, Mueller decided to make Stirlitz
car accident. Muller Machine
was faulty, and he towed it to the
service. Masters required for the repair of 350
brands.
- Yes Stirlitz in my life for as many
not nashpionit - decided Muller and refused
from his invention.
Mueller could not know that the service station
people worked Shtirlitsa.


                  x x x

Going into his office, Mueller was very
surprised to see there Shtirlitsa standing
next to the safe.
- What are you doing here, dammit? -
he asked sternly.
- Waiting for a tram, - replied calmly
Stirlitz.
Muller left the office and going on
corridor, suddenly thought: "What,
the devil his dismantled, can be tram
my office? "
Back at the office and not finding it
Shtirlitsa, Mueller thought: "Probably, already
gone. "


                  x x x

On major holidays Stirlitz took out
Safe harmonica, a bottle of vodka and a cut-
glass, pour one hundred and fifty grams
drank, and then fifteen minutes played
harmonica. Once, when he wanted to
to remember their homeland, he found in the safe
no bunching, no vodka. Stirlitz called
Mueller:
- It's your job?
- You are on the accordion and vodka?
- Yes.
- You never see them again.
- Why?
- Not the one you yearn for the motherland.


     Material provided "McMaker'om.