Polesse #15 30 декабря 1999

Юмор

Smile with us - jokes

        SMILE WITH U.S.



    On New Year's night the little boy wakes up and sees that
under the tree someone fumbling. The boy happily exclaims:

    - Santa Claus! Santa Claus! That you are! I always knew 
that you have in fact, and everyone thinks that you are not. 
Now I tell everybody that you exist! It is true as you exist, 
Santa Claus? " 

    Santa Claus turns to the boy:

    - True, the boy ... and now I have to kill you! : E ~ ~ ~


    After a meeting of the New Year.
- Madam, could you show me the way home?
- Can ...
- And how do you know where I live? We have that, you know?
- Shut up, you moron! I'm your wife!

- My wife and I met at our club on New Year's Masquerade!
- Oh, how romantic!
- Where are romantic?! I thought she was sitting at home with 
children ... 

- Come with me to celebrate the New Year - invite a friend

  another.
- Does your wife know?
- You bet! Because of this, this morning I rolled it a grand

  Scandal ...

- If I'm forced to stay on mission - the husband says

  his wife - and not come back for the New Year, I'll send you 
a body   gram.

- You can not send! I had already read, it lies in a pocket

  your coat!


  One friend tells another how he spent New Year's Eve:
- We started with a neighbor earlier in the day. Then he 
wandered on to friends as 

  celebrated New Year - do not remember. Back home in the 
morning. 

  The door lock is not closed. Look in the room, and there is my
  to lie in bed with some guy. I go to the kitchen, and there on

  table, drinks, hors d'oeuvres ... Finished all that was, and 
then look at: 

  refrigerator and furniture in the kitchen is not mine!


  Female 45 years old at the telegraph office supplies stocked 
telegraph telegram form. Telegraph reads: "Congratulations NEW 
YEAR Favorite granddaughter Lialechka PTA beloved grandson 
Petenka PTA WAY Daughter Nina STOP "and referring to the woman 
says: 

  - You would be much cheaper to write "I congratulate all
HAPPY NEW YEAR. "

  - What next! There's still there and the son!

- And do not go for us to New Year's Eve somewhere fun! -

  my wife says to her husband.
- Great idea! - Happy husband. - I put the key on

  apartment under the rug by the door, so you know where he is, 
if vertex   neshsya home earlier than me ...


- Darling, you give me for Christmas?
- Next year I'll give you the earrings ... And this year - two

  holes for them!


  Half an hour later comes the New Year. The deserted streets 
in a hurry home a couple with full shopping-bags. They stumble 
upon blyuyuschego drunk.

- Look, - upbraids husband wife - people are already having 
fun! And you 

  all in the last minute!


   Five minutes to eleven in hairdressing chair sat a man. When 
the barber lathered his face, the client realized that the 
master already begun to celebrate the New Year.


   - You're drunk! I'm afraid that you cut yourself ... I - 
Screamed the client. 

   - Do you ... you will not be afraid ... I like you just show 
me where you have chin.



   Telephone conversation with the New Year:
- Hello, this insurance company? Tell us, we can insure

  house on the phone?
- No, it's impossible. Now we will send a representative, and

  He will sign an agreement with you.
- Well, send. Hurry up, but then we already dogo
  raet tree and starts to smoke the carpet!



   What an amazing country of Russia: A New Year begins dating 
somewhere in the Far East, and end up somewhere under the 
table. 



   Over the New Year has a lot of jokes. Here's a newspaper, 
read, my aunt is buying equipment (any), other tablets and etc.


   Then I called a woman today with one office and asked
how much she had to floppies to copy the screw (they should
disc at 2.6 tons):-o.

   I wonder wonder why? To which I received a very clever
convincing answer.

   - How why, during the transition in the 21 st century in all 
everything is erased, and I will have a backup copy on floppy 
disks! :-). 



   On the New Year at the post office received the letter. On 
the envelope, gnarled children's handwriting reads: "Santa 
Claus". Well, the postman opened and read:


   "Hello dear Grandfather Frost, I love you very much. Present
me please on New Year's warm boots, coats and a scarf, and
then my parents were very poor and can not buy me a warm
clothes, and I have nothing to go to school. "

   Postmen tears, chipped in as much as they could have bought
coat and shoes, a scarf for money were not enough. A couple of 
days receive a second letter:


   "Dear Grandfather Frost, Thank you very much for your gift.
Coats and boots are very warm and comfortable, and now I can
go to school with all the other guys. A scarf to me
reached. Perhaps the post office stole ... "<:-()!



   31-th, in the liquor store.

   People in the store was once a 3 more than last New
Year. One man to another:

   - Heard the news? Yeltsin resigned gone.

   - (Looking back at all): This is the joy in the shop so many 
people came? 



   Well, finally this one, not a New Year's joke:



   Is the operation:

   - Doctor, I think not sleep!

   - What are you talking about? (Continues to operate with 
enthusiasm). 

   - Really do not sleep!

   - It can not be! (Makes the cut).

   - A-ah! It hurts!

   - See you! Really is not sleeping!

   - I told you so!

   - That's Keeping Mum ... with chloroform. By the way, sister

     Give him another.

   - Kaif, a doctor, but you can still?

   - Can.

   - Kaif! What else?

   - You can! Give him a mallet on the head!

     BOOM!

   - A wild rush! And Mallet possible?

   - Enough with you. And get used to something else.

   - Doctor, how is it?

   - Do not bother, it hurts!

   - Well, I can go!

   - No, no stay! In general, do not worry - a bullet passed

     bleed. By the way, that for the nerd in you shooting?

   - Why a nerd?

   - Who is it shoots! We had to just above and to the left!

   - Well, then I lie to a woman, no one, except it does not

     touch. Then her husband came!

   - And, then shot her husband!

   - No, not my husband! Well, I jumped out the window, flying 
himself, no one 

     touch. And fell to the beloved dog of the precinct!

   - The district, therefore shot?

   - Shoot, but missed. I run, naked, on the street, no one

     touch, and here a maniac, sexual assault!

   - A maniac in you got?

   - No, he strangled a little! Well that rockers went there 
once      attracts.


   - Rockers, whether that was shot?

   - Shooting, but got only a maniac. I'm running on, or
     who do not touch, ran into a commercial shop, and there 
one hundred      birth!


   - Shot?

   - No, I shot back. Follow me reketiry come.

   - They fired?

   - Why did they shoot? They told me to put a guard on the 
floor and 

     soldering iron is applied. Well keeper before his death 
confessed 

     that I have nothing to do with, and they let me go. I came 
out of the store, 

     and then she pulled a pistol from her purse and began to me

     shoot!

   - So the girl you hurt!

   - Nooo, the gun was a gas, a nerve action
     conditions. I come, then home - naked under the gas, all in

     bruises. And there-in-law out the door popped up with a 
shotgun. 

   - I??

   - Yeah, got ... pyzhom wife in the ass!

   - Patient, I'd shot himself in your place!

   - What do you think I get here?


   :-))) :-))) :-))) :-)))