Polesse #15 30 декабря 1999

Laughter through tears - Computer idiocy.

           Laughter through tears



          COMPUTER Idiocy



   We are already used most of our
citizens belong to the technique very lightly. Often this is 
due not so much innate stupidity of some developers various 
"instruction manuals" (inscription such as: "if, after All your 
attempts to recover the device, it is still not working check 
whether the option is in the network, "nobody will be 
surprised), but a typical Russian mentality - first do, then 
think ... 

   With computers the situation is special. Many
frightening and unfathomable complexity of the alleged
computer equipment. But there may be inverse
cases. Often, users, seeking
be with the machine "ON YOU", go all conceivable limits. 
Parable to yazyttsah has become well-known joke about HP, 
asking the firm, instead of CD-ROM, "stand for coffee, or 
requiring to put in a set driver for the mouse pad. Do you think

that our homegrown lamer unique in
ignorance? Gee-gee! If it were true!
On the civilized West the situation is even
worse. Of bourgeois stupidity lamer exacerbated the 
consciousness of his absolute innocence ... 

   Some of the things that users
get up with computers, it is
appalling. Here are a few cases, the description of one of the 
foreign sites: 


   (In dialogs: T - art to - client)

K - Hello, I would like to know the CFR
    zhete you fix my laptop? He has

    warranty.
T - What's the problem with him?
K - My wife got angry and threw it into the

    Pool.


   A friend of mine (who asked to remain anonymous) purchased
a brand new Toshiba laptop to replace my "outdated"
(Last issue). He worked in the company of computer services
here on the campus of our university. And that's how he decided 
to impress colleagues, decorate your car. He bought a jar

emerald-green spray painted the nitro and a laptop.
Whole, from the screen to a mouse. And he was very shocked, 
convinced that computer stopped working. Figuring that what is 
preventing itself Paint it the next day bought a bottle of 
solvent poured it on my laptop, and left it to drain into the 
sink ... And again, was shocked, convinced that the work 
computer and did not. And yet over his refusal to shake the 
store to return money or exchange computer under warranty.



   Customers have to return the defective
internal modem, which bought a few days earlier. I took the 
modem out of the package and could not believe my own eyes. The 
map was sawed in half.


   T - Why did you cut down her?

   K - Modem is not placed in the slot, so

       had to sharpen up its smallness.



   Ten years ago I worked in the firm,
selling computerized cash registers. Phoned a client who needed 
help desk connect to his stubborn Stationery car.


T - So, now tell me what position the switches on

    cashier?
K - Switches?
T - Well those little switches on the back.
K - Uh ... (Long pause). There are none.
T - There, where they disappear. Right next to the power cord.
K - None. Nor do there. No more!
T - (B neponyatkah): What? No more? What do you mean?
K - Well, you know, a colleague told me that these switches can

    cause incorrect operation, so ... I remove them.
T - How to delete?
K - Yeah, you know, removed ... Chisel.



   Somewhere about a year ago I was sent on a call at home. 
When I reached the place and was missing inside, it is primarily

the smell of gunpowder. Second, that struck me was
double barrel 12-caliber, lying on the couch. The third was
large ragged hole in the side of her computer (one of those 
Macs, for which the processor in a single package with a 
monitor). 

   I looked at her. Small, gray-haired woman, about 60. It?
Unbelievable. However, one must ask ...

   I - Is that you shooting? ...

   She - Yes, I'm a little angry. I was told that I did not
spoil it, but apparently it is not. Anything can be saved?
I mumbled something that is not an expert on Macs, and said
that will send her such, as soon as I can. And get out of there 
with maximum speed. 

   Approximately a month later I was summoned by the boss, he 
had on the wire was a woman. She complained to my incompetence, 
and the fact I'm either lying, promising to send her special on 
Macs, or we the firm has no normal spices. I quickly introduced 
him to the ropes. After a pause, he picked up the phone and 
said: "Ma'am?" Are you fired a shotgun into the computer ...? 

   - Aha ...

   - I'm sorry, ma'am, but we really can not ... No
No ... I will try to send someone something ... Nice to be with 
you the case. "He hung up and looked at me:" You know kogonibud 
of our Makovtsev who will go? "I shook my head:" No of one. "


   Again we heard about it last week. The boss told
me that she was again called and cursed me, saying I do not
only "a young arrogant kid, but also a liar, which the world is 
not seen as one of our competitors all of her perfectly 
repaired by removing a scratch from the monitor. Sounded 
amazing so I stocked up with beer and chips, and rolled over in 
the technical department to competitors. 

   After a couple of cans, I fished out of them the whole 
story. Not only damaged parts cars remained hard disk, the 
fraction was past him. So that the technology just took her 
car, bought a A new one, moved the disc and gave it to her back 
in the "refurbished" form. Of course ripped off her triple the 
price. 



   Girlfriend asked me to look that
her computer. She complained that the machine
works unusually "quiet" and periodically
restarts. I correctly assumed
that denied the fan in power supply.
Girlfriend had been heavy smokers, and judging
around smoking at work constantly, tobacco tar hid not only fan
BP, but the CPU cooler. CDROM-stand and did not go out for the 
same reasons. It was only in my practice the computer, died 
from smoking. 



   How then I have worked in support of 
othodopererabatyvayuschey company. Having problems with the car 
in Alabama - when you turn receive an error message the disk. I 
inserted the system disk, and tried to boot from it - to no 
avail, but eject the floppy was covered in mud. On opening the 
computer, I found within a few inch layer of dried mud. Local 
admin reported that They had a flood, but they wiped their 
computers. 


   Call from a friend, and complained that his computer 
sometimes produces very strange sounds. Knowing that I was 
special on technique, he asked I fix it. So I went to him and 
was convinced that sounds really strange, but the drive and 
CD-ROM is not work. After disconnecting the drive and CDROMa 
sounds are gone. 


   I - It seems that something stuck in your drive, and does 
not normally move the head. That anything unusual on the eve of 
doing? 

   He - Oh, no, I did nothing. And it can not be associated with
rain that blew through the window here during the week?

   I - Maybe. How much water was there?

   He - quite a bit.

   I - Now we'll see ...

   On opening the lid of drives, I found their mechanisms of 
green and brown rust. 



   During college, we
showed how to combine together
of the computer. Slightly bored, I drew
attention to the student-neighbor, which
4ozilsya next to the beam of its cables,
leaning across the table to the back
of the machine (apparently it was to deploy
thing for him unbearable). While he was there
was busy, I unscrewed the minimum control
brightness on his monitor. Sticking cables
he was convinced that there is nothing on the screen.
Then I walked over, offering to help.

   Saying, "Come on, let's try this way ...",
I slapped on the side of the monitor, seamlessly
returning to the brightness of the place with his other hand.
When he turned away the next time I
again bent brightness and left the room.

   When I returned, he found poor
methodically and brutally beaten up by the monitor ...



   Here's a conversation held with one of
our staff yesterday:


   He - I have the modem does not work. I am afraid, my boy 
again, lie in wait         ryalsya in the computer.


   I - And what is wrong?

   He - He will not dial, do not connect, no nothing

        work.

   I - maybe change the settings. It is connected properly?

   He - no.

   I - Ah, so you need to connect it. Where is he now?

   He - in the fridge.

   I - Where? What the hell is he doing there?

   He - Well, he started to warm up much, so I put it there

        cool.


   On Wednesday at a dinner called a girl. As
usually, the computer refused. All our
technicians were on the road, so I was able
send them to her only on Thursday morning.
The problem is gone.

   Next Wednesday she called again.
On Thursday morning arrived technician. All
work.

   Next Wednesday she called again.
On Thursday morning arrived technician. All
work. He brought her car to us. I
chased the diagnosis for two days, all
work. The computer was returned to owner.

   Next Wednesday she called again.
On Thursday morning arrived technician. All
work.

   The following Wednesday, our man was sitting
it all day. At lunch she watered the flowers,
as it turned out, she made every
environment. A few minutes from the pot over
Computer flowed trickle ...


   I called the woman who refused to
CD-ROM. After the standard attempts
diagnose the problem, I finally asked
when it all began.

K - Yeah, right after my baby

    shoved him several coins.
T - It appears that you drive is broken. You

    need to bring the car to the maintenance staff, and

    replace the drive, buying a new one.
K - But I just bought it! .. Really

    it is not under warranty?


   I have come to call the client, in which nothing worked. On
screen is empty. I changed the video card - it is useless, the 
system seems bent firm. When I asked her about the details of 
the event, she told that someone put a password on the setting, 
and she wanted get rid of it. At some of the books she deducted 
pro jumper, clearing CMOS, but revealing the computer found at

many different motherboard jumpers. It is not embarrassed by it
start to rearrange them all, right on the machine included. 
Difficult say that died first ... One hell, it's time upgrade

machine.



   I worked for two years in a shop that sells software. AND
For many people it was, angry that they sold the CD for
Playstation, not running on their PC, and vice versa. Even were
such that searched for Win95 for Playstation. But none of them
compared with this.

   How then Friday came poupatel carefully looked through all 
the shelves, and bought a brand new toy for James Bond Nintendo

64. I sold him to the pile guide to the game with a 20% 
discount, and shoved happy. The next day, he rushed inside,

he saw me, and Rushed across the room, reminding trade
composition.

   - Fool! This - he yelled shoving my face with the game box
- Does not work for me! I can not even insert it properly! And 
so as the system I just bought the latest, it is - crap and

I want to get back their money. YOU ME stuck bullshit!

   Well, it's quite suitable for our policy of seven days
manibeka, so I calmly took the box and opened it
to ensure that all retained the presentation. To my amazement, 
the disc was carefully cut to the size of about 3.5 "something 
like a saw. 

   - P-to-sir ...? What's wrong with the disk?

   - Nothing! I sawed it to insert into your Compaq. He
should be ok, because I just yesterday bought it from you!


K - I just bought your new Pentium II 300, and set

    it according to instructions, but nothing works.
T - Let's will check the jumper, all right?
K - I know I did everything correctly. I've already done that a 
hundred times. T - Well, remove the processor and set the slot 
and reinsert it, convincing     Tes it snaps in the slot as it 
should. K - It seems that the processor will not fit into the 
slot. Come on, I'll principle     su it all, and you see for 
yourself, okay? T - Of course, wear.


    When a customer brought a motherboard and processor, I 
could not keep from laughing. He stuck the CPU in the ISA-slot. 
Along the way, cutting the housing processor from the bottom, 
so as not to interfere. 



   - Hello, I just talked to
[Company-provider], and I was advised
call you. We have a house burst pipe
and my computer is poured 300 liters
boiling water. The computer is insured, but
insurance company pays only if I
Let us prove it worthless. In my opinion, it is already
dry, you do not help me test it?


   We called the service center guy
about the fault monitor notebook.
Everything is fine, but on the left half of the screen
trail tires. He moved all the windows
right, and all this in general as it is loaded
and running. Apparently, the notebook lay
on the hood of the car, collapsed and his fellow
moved. Everything works, but you should tire
too is prevented from ...


   A friend worked at a factory producing
chips. Every few months out
serviceable crystals why it fell almost
to zero. Analysis showed the presence of a marriage
strong organic impurities introduced in
manufacturing process, but exactly where,
nobody could understand.

   As the evening one of the employees
sat up late and went to the lab.
There he found the support staff for
heating of the pizza in the sterile processing furnace!


   We sold the car pentiumnuyu new client. A couple of days
it was returned to the store. The client complained that she 
Windows is decreasing, an error of memory, disk drives, and so 
on. We drove out the tests, everything was in order, so that 
the car was returned hostess.


   She rang again with the same problems. Again, we were driven
probe packets, and then everything was normal. The car was 
returned. After Fourth, we decided to call it, the problem is 
somewhere in her office, However, the detailed questions about 
the presence of a number of microwaves and other equipment 
silnomeshayuschego not led to anything. We sent technique. 
After 5 minutes the problem was fixed - it just withdrew from 
the case a couple of dozen magnets from the refrigerator, which 
she had graced the ... 



   Recently had to accompany the call independent
installation of our client of expansion cards in its "Sun SPARC
Station-20. "At the height of the installation process when
cover from the machine had already been removed, and does 
peretykalis memory discs and cards, someone from the people at 
the end of the line referred to "Funny stuff" occurring on its 
screen. Only here I realized that she had not turned off the 
car ... 


   I installed a new computer company, has set up and connected
it showed a little like working with him and arranged to visit
them through the week. When I arrived, I found that the monitor
desktop casing removed and cleaned, and in its place is
typewriter. You see, the secretary decided that 
kompyuteridealnaya stand under the car, so where better than on 
table ... 


   The client refused a keyboard. After
how he "cleaned" it, thrust in
warm, soapy water for the entire day.


T - How can I help?
K - I have a mouse does not work. And yesterday, worked ...
T - So, and that it is happening?
K - Well, the arrow on the screen is, but it's not moving.
T - How long have you cleaned the mouse?
K - yesterday. I soaked it.
T - You have it ... WHAT?
K - I penetrated her body, and soak it in a bucket of water on 
the whole 

    night.
T - Ma'am, I must say that the reason most likely is in

    this.
K - Oh, can not be! None of this does not happen, if not

    include them wet!
T - Ma'am, this is not the case ...
K - Look, is not the problem!
T - Well, okay ... Ma'am, I do not know what it can tell you ...
K - You want to say that I need to buy a new mouse.
T - I do not see what else you can do.
K - (hung up)

K - I do not have a computer works.
T - So, and what happened to him?
K - When I turn it on, nothing happens.
T - Hmm. You do with him lately, not

    do?
K - Well, I had only cleaned. On the fan was dust,

    so I deleted it.
T - Well, it could not hurt anything.
K - And then I opened the lid and inside all too wiped. And then

    disassemble it for parts and all washed with cleaning fluid 
... 



   Once the service center have brought the car. The client 
seems a little knew about computers, but considered himself an 
expert in them, so as Once I started asking him about the 
problems with its hard drive, He said, "Look, I know what the 
reason is that the hard Disk sticky. Because everything starts 
to work when I do like this "- he lifted the back of the Tower 
at about 10 centimeters and dropped it on the table.


   My jaw dropped nearly the same amount. My boss,
who happened to be nearby, staring with interest on the system.
I soon came to himself enough to squeeze out: "Well, we
look what happened to him, leave him there ... "

   Apparently, he used this method in the past
three months minimum, but recently he stopped to help.
Strange, is not it? 8-)



   Such as my teacher (part time in konsultatnom
support) was summoned to help with the adjustment of the 
network. The client complained constant time-outs and wild 
delays, despite the relatively small size networks (20-30 cars) 
and excellent equipment. When consultant arrived on the scene, 
he was greatly surprised to find on each network cable (twisted 
pair fifth category) nodules. A few pieces at each end, and 
tightened completely and seriously. In some cables were dozens 
of them. Head explained to him that the guy conducting them to 
the network (and the missing thereafter) are marked so the 
cables. Cable is the first machine has one node at each end, 
cable second - for two, well and so on. Well, two, four, it's 
still all right, but the cable 20 th machine with four dozen 
sites could hardly breathe ... 

   Does this guy ever heard of the markers? Or about
stickers?



   I called the woman, whose system
hardware failures occur. She said
that is called a month ago with the same
case. I picked up the magazines and found that
call. Both the call concerned a major equipment failure, but 
nothing more among them there was no error varied. I

vyzvonit tried it, but nobody answered. Three hours later she 
called back she: errors have changed and some of the machines

denied altogether. I promised to immediately
send technicians.

T - By the way, why did you decide that a month ago, it was the 
same thing? K - So in both cases we have been denied 
air-conditioning, and temperature     temperature in mashzale 
rose to 60 degrees. 


   First and last time I allowed myself
howl at the client. And she had never
agreed to turn off the system!


K - Hello. Hello. I collapsed!
T - collapsed?
K - Yeah, collapsed.
T - A, in the sense of denied? ..
K - Yeah, I can not do anything. The mouse does not run, and 
the screen     is not empty. Fix it quick!

T - So I need to know where the problem has gone. What did you 
do with 

    machine for the last time before giving up?
K - Well, I stood on it to hang a picture on the wall and it

    collapsed.
T - A. .. Clearly ... Hence the system you have collapsed ...



   When I worked in support of Unices
one large company, with the guys from
warehouse was not bored. As once a
I worked pager - "The program is."
I called the head of the warehouse:


   He - not working the sixth room, come

        repaired.

   I - Well, let's take a look.


   I saw the problem has not yet entered into
hall. The hall was no more. Not in the
sense that he's gone - he was defeated.
Smithereens. Shards of printers covered
floor, a table smeared feet by 5, and
terminal is hung on one of the blades
forklift.

   I stared dumbfounded at the head, but
his face was absolutely impenetrable. He
really wanted me to mend it
Spaced loader turbine building ...


K - Where can I find a BIOS upgrade for the 286 th?
T - You have to be flashed the latest version. No later.
K - Okay, but I upgrade the processor, and now the machine is 
not 

    loaded.
T - And what you have changed the CPU?
K - On the 486DX-50.
T - Sir ... 286 th fact is soldered to the motherboard?
K - Yes. I took my soldering iron and vypayal it, and instead 
soldered 

    486.
T - Sir, but you 486 more.
K - I know, but I soldered together extra legs ...