Polesse #05 31 марта 1999

Юмор

solid jokes - Quick start guide to her husband how to love your computer. With Ivanov trifled with. 7 jokes. Safety Instructions for sex.

                       SOLID FUN



          BRIEF INSTRUCTION husband, HOW TO LOVE YOUR COMPUTER


(C) MONARCH



   Dear friend!

   You have chosen to enter into relationship with the miracle 
of the 20 th century - IBM PC / AT. On this way you will find a 
huge amount of joy, satisfaction and unforgettable moments full 
sliyaeniya with your email friend. You made the right choice. 


   Go ahead and enjoy!


   For a start - a few helpful hints.

   When you purchase a computer for sexual purposes should pay 
particular attention to the presence of: 

   1 - Mama as a main body;

   2 - I / O ports (clear for what purpose:);

   3 - Claudia - how to replace the mother (pay special 
attention to the right        correctly handling "Ctrl-Break" 
and press "Enter" - Enter); 

   4 - Keys "Reset" and "Turbo";

   5 - Seals, as a guarantee of virginity on the part of the 
plant-        gotovitelya.


   See that you are not slipped:
1 - Oblique flops;
2 - Curves of screws;
3 - Protected Mode - as the primary mode of operation. Do not 
buy a used computer - similar to the wife! 


   FIRST STEPS.

   Came a happy time and you put in the house on your hands
the second half, which, in turn, consists of several
parts:

   1 - Processing Unit - the main source naslazhdeniya. With him
should be treated especially carefully, because it placed my 
mother, brain and other vital parts of the body of your beloved.

Open the package carefully, remove it (the block, and not what 
you thought) out of the box and install the most prominent 
place. 

   2 - Monitor - designed for the contemplation of the input / 
output. Rather, an aesthetic thing (like mirrored ceilings) 
than useful acquisition, but PROFIssionalam available pleasure, 
and with this device. 

   3 - Keyboard - the main unit for manual input. Work
on it must be done very carefully, avoiding the initial stage 
of impact on the erogenous zones, such as "Ctrl-Alt-Del" and 
"Ctrl-C". 

   4 - optional, but desirable elements are:
a) the printer - a device to maintain diaries and records of 
their own experiences and to obtain a hard copy of their 
feelings. By studying the records made by you in times of 
greatest spiritual merger, we can establish that like your 
favorite, and what should be avoided. Incidentally, the 
printer, unlike the other components, equipped with head! b) a 
mouse - can sometimes completely replace the keyboard, while 
allows instant communication session is completely distracted 
from the process manual input, although at first is still 
better to help yourself hands.



   Installation of equipment.

   The delivery to a computer for each component provided
his end of (your is not yet required). Read these instructions 
carefully and understand that where to insert. Here, as in 
nature, all measures stipulated in advance - you can plug one 
end only one intended for this hole.


   One end (again not guessed - not yours) was over? Right! So 
it should be! Look around you. What you see on the wall of your 
room? Yes, yes, yes! Two cockroaches. And them? Well, of course 
- the socket ... 

   The computer is now ready for use. Relax. Look on the front 
or side, but rather on the rear panel of the processing unit 
 key and click on it (pull up or down). Now You are not 
alone! You came true and faithful companion of life - IBM PC / 
AT (affectionately - pisishka, diminutive - pussy). 

   By the way, if immediately after turning on you feel a 
slight change in the nature of your chosen one as: 

   - A significant change in the original form because of the 
explosion occurred; 

   - The appearance of smoke over the monitor;

   - Finally disappearing "mouse" off the table after you have 
it laid back;


   This means that the machine was designed for 110 volts, and 
your first date was the latest.



   P.S. The behavior of the mouse should not pay attention
- First off the ship is always running rodents ...


                              *



                     Ivanov and trifled



   I wanted to play Ivanov. April Fool's Day after all.
Tradition. I called him on the phone. Voice changing beyond 
recognition. 

   - Ivanov?

   - Ivanov.

   - You have the whole back is white.

   - Yes, I know - is responsible Ivanov - it's me yesterday 
about the restaurant "Tourist" flopped. There's just a repair. 
And who says? 

   I hung up.


   Thinking, thinking how I would play Ivanov ... Again to call 
him. 

   - Ivanov?

   - Ivanov.

   - And your wife saw a movie with Potapov.

   - Not to Potapov, and with Plyukhina - responsible Ivanov - 
and not in cinema, and the Philharmonic. This I hired him for a 
bottle. I'm from symphonic music head starts to hurt. And who 
says? 

   I hung up.


   Thinking, thinking how I could still play Ivanov. Again
to call him.

   - Ivanov?

   - Ivanov.

   - And you fired from work.

   - Fired - breathes Ivanov - once I was ahead of them, a 
statement written "at will". And who says? 

   I hung up.


   Thinking, thinking, how can I finally play Ivanov. Again, it
call.

   - Ivanov?

   - Ivanov.

   - Heard the news? Some weirdo from the Admiralty spire, 
snapping off. 

   - So it's like I broke off - guiltily says Ivanov -
drank too much yesterday, something vaguely recall as a
fog. And who says?

   I hung up.


   Thinking, thinking ... Need I still play Ivanov. Again
to call him.

   - Ivanov?

   - Ivanov.

   - Do you have your phone turned off for two days.

   - Yes? - Scared Ivanov - Here's a nuisance! How could I not
phone? Thanks friend, that warned. Who's calling?

   - Ha-ha-ha - laughing - that I was joking, you played At 
last. April Fools! 

   - Ha-ha-ha - laughing Ivanov. - How is it that I fell so 
stupid? Deftly you played me, handily. 

   Then join us suddenly some stranger strict
voice. And I hear:

   - Comrade Ivanov?

   - Ivanov.

   - Your phone number so and so?

   - Exactly.

   - Why are you a subscriber, the telephone does not pay? 
Turning off your room until repay!


   Click. Silence. We are corroded ...



                             JOKES



   Of the megaphone GAI:

   - A tram driver, immediately roll to the curb and stop!


                               *


   Little gnomes drive up on the small machine to refuel:

   - Drip me please drop the fuel tank of gasoline.

   - Can you still in the bus to fart?


                               *


   Go to driver confusion, which stands near the tree on which 
hangs "Cossack" Policeman pulls.


   - What is it?

   - Well, I knew that the "Cossack" is not a machine, but that 
she is afraid of dogs?!? 


                               *


   The son asks his father:

   - Dad, what is money?

   Father (dreamily):

   - Money, son, is a machine, brandy, beautiful women ...

   Son:

   - And when there is no money?

   - Tram, tea, and your mom.


                               *


   The husband picks with tricycles. The wife makes fun of him:

   - Another wheel - would be the machine.

   - And you still have two breasts, and was the cow.

   - And one more thing to you, and you can not keep a tenant.


                               *


    Lucky guy to a girl from a distant village to the city, 
stops near the woods, out of the car, rummaging around in the 
engine, and then says:


    - All right, the engine broke down, there would have to 
spend the night. 

    She:

    - Listen, Uncle, come quickly spend the night and go 
farther? 


                               *


    New Russian moved rink. He lies flat, such can not budge.

    The driver jumped out and hears a whisper:

   - Hey, bro! I beseech you, bend me two fingers: index and
little finger, he can not!

   The driver turned down.

   New Russian aloud:

   - Well, you, in kind, to hit someone!



                      INSTRUCTIONS FOR

                        Safe Sex



                        1.General PROVISIONS


   1.1 To secure SEKS'u (voluptuous Daily
Comprehensive session) allowed males at least 18
years and females up to 75 years (re-certification is performed 
once a year, a commission under the chairmanship of longevity). 

   1.2 In a session attended by at least two people.

   1.3 to safe sex are allowed persons who have passed tests for
AIDS, or having a certificate of deposit thereof.



                     2. BEFORE THE SESSION


   2.1 Obtain permission partner (the partner or partners).

   02.02 Check availability and serviceability bodies, 
participate in safe sex, and personal protective equipment. In 
case of failure to eliminate it for safe sex not to proceed.


   2.3 Inspect the retention mechanism of PPE.


                        3. During the session


   3.1 Contain the bodies involved in safe sex, clean and tidy.

   3.2 Search for erotic zones produce in strict accordance
with international decisions on human rights, without prejudice 
to the honor and dignity of the partner (the partner or 
partners). 

   3.3 is strictly prohibited:
- Use by artisanal means of individual protection;
- To use fuses that were in use;
- Remove preohranitelnye device before the end of the session;
- Sleep during the session:).



                       4. AT THE END OF SESSION


   4.1 Withdraw idividualnoy protection.

   4.2 tidy surroundings.

   4.3 reported by partners (parnershu, partners) on the end of 
the session. 



                        5. EMERGENCIES


   5.1 to emergency situations include:
a) the unwillingness of one partner come into contact;
b) the inconsistency of partners;
c) use of alcohol and tobacco use during the session;
d) the defects of personal protective equipment;
e) the injury of at least one partner.



                  6. Responding to emergencies


   6.1 By 5.1 (a, b, c, d) to replace the partner (partner,
partners).

   6.2 According to section 5.1 (d) stop the session and 
replace fuses. 


   Instruction was an honorary member of the odd numbers 
Gosseksnadzora.