Stupid Lists: Humour from The Book of Stupid Lists

                         Stupid Lists                           
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                        By Bogie Of E-3                         
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              Taken from The Book Of Stupid Lists               

10 Reasons why the Dinosaurs may have died out

1. They contracted 'Mad Dinosaur Disease'.
2. Prince Phillip's ancestors thought it was a 'topping wheeze' to hunt them for a sport.
3. They all became gay.
4. They didn't watch their cholesterol levels.
5. They didn't fancy each other.
6. The Tories were responsible.
7. The Japanese were responsible.
8. They worked too hard, ate too many fatty foods and spent too much time sat in front of the TV.
9. They smoked 60 a day.
10. They lived near a primitive nuclear power station and all the baby dinosaurs got leukaemia.

10 rivals to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

1. The Geriatric Radioactive Kung Fu Ocelots
2. The Prepubescent Irradiated Jujitsu Wildebeest
3. The Adolescent Disfigured Tai Chi Dormice
4. The Menopausal Isotopic Karate Badgers
5. The Retired Glowing Judo Wallabies
6. The Middle-Aged Nuclear Origami Sheep
7. The Thirty-Something Toxic Black Belt Guinea Pigs
8. The Just-Toddling Freako Samurai Head Lice
9. The Old-Before-Their-Time Half-Life Kamikaze Tree Shrews
10. The Immature Plutonium Hitachi Bison

6 Alternative names for Man Friday if Robinson Crusoe had found him on a different day

• Man Monday
• Man Saturday
• Man Thursday
• Man Sunday
• Man Wednesday
• Man Tuesday

10 Things that Vincent Van Gogh couldn't do

1. Count to two using his ears.
2. Make full use of a Sony Walkman.
3. Keep more than one paintbrush behind his ears.
4. Wear a pair of sunglasses and keep them straight.
5. Wear a pair of matching stud earrings.
6. Impersonate someone with two ears.
7. Earn the nickname 'Dumbo'.
8. Put his hand on his heart and say that he had never once mutilated his head.
9. Grin from ear to ear.
10. Tell if something was in stereo.

6 Greek philosophers who were also rappers

• L.L. Cool Socrates
• Ice T. Plato
• M.C. Aristotle
• The Ranking Mr. Pythagoras
• Run Pericles
• Grandmaster Diogenes and his Furious 5

10 Things to run up behind your Grandad and shout

1. BOOOO!
2. Die, pig-dog Englischer soldier!
3. Give us yer cash, old man!
4. Grandad! Quick! Your buttocks are on fire!
5. Rhinoceros! Rhinoceros!
6. Stuka attack! Down, boys! Down!
7. Grandad! It's the hospital on the phone, they want your pacemaker back!
8. Grandad! Your catheter's leaking!
9. They've found out! Run for it!
10. Granny's dead!

10 Things it would be stupid to say to someone who wants to buy your house

1. Excuse the mess: the parapsychologists have only just left.
2. How we laughed when we heard that Dennis Nilsen was the previous owner.
3. I hear the mortgage rate's going up by another 12% soon.
4. I'll take a tenner for it!
5. Rats? No, it's too damp for rats!
6. After the fifth break-in we decided enough was enough.
7. That? Oh, we think that is a blood stain.
8. The Hell's Angels next door are really very friendly.
9. Piss off.
10. Try not to lean against that wall if you can help it!

10 Things to buy for a deaf relative

1. A copy of 'What Hi-Fi' magazine.
2. A large ornamental ear trumpet.
3. A talking parrot.
4. The new Sting album.
5. A cordless phone.
6. A chiming door bell.
7. A tape of Frederick Forsyth reading 'The Day Of The Jackal'.
8. A guide dog.
9. A radio alarm clock.
10. A balloon to fix to their bottom so they can tell if they fart!

The 10 most common objects removed from bodily orifices on Friday Nights in the casualty ward

1. Marrows smeared with taramasalata.
2. Torches with rubber handles.
3. Souvenir models of the Eiffel Tower.
4. Cans of shaving foam (Half empty).
5. Umbrellas (Half opened).
6. Policemen's truncheons.
7. Large Toblerones.
8. Rolled up copies of TV Quick (That's the way, uh huh, uh huh...).
9. Gerbils.
10. Hands (Still attached to their rather embarrassed owners).

More next issue.