Exam - Summer is slowly but surely approaching its mid-point...

 Summer is slowly but surely approaching
 in its middle. But it seems like only recently
 there were exams... Who has school (like,
 for example, our artist), who
 scary summer student session (like
 for example, our musician). But here’s what
 I wonder if about school exams created
 few works are given, then about student
 I forge much more. It is to her that we speak
 Today we will dedicate our section “Exam”.
  So how are the exams conducted? I remember
 I have one case... Imagine,
 one student comes to the exam...




 - Professor, sorry - I overslept.
 - I hope not alone?
 - One...
 - Two, go.
 - Wait. I'll tell you everything frankly.
 One...on one.
 - Two, go.
 - No, two...
 - This is already interesting. So one on one or
 one by two?
 - For one... no for two, no for one...
 I remember, at first it was one on one, but
 then one by two.
 - And how much is it in total?
 - Four, professor!
 - Not four, but two. Record book.
 - Wait, professor, I’ll think about it some more.
 One on one and another on two, and someone else
 I think he came. Only five, professor!
 - Okay, three. For impudence.
 - Four, professor, I beg you, I have sti-
 stipend!
 - Three, I have mathematics.
 - How long ago?
 - Since the morning.
 - I’ve had radiculitis since this morning. Go, three.
 - Four!
 - Three!
 - Four!
 - Three!
 - Four,professor! Where to rub?
 - Well, okay, four. And so that I’m bigger than you
 I haven't seen it.
 - Okay, put two and I’ll come to re-
 dacha
 - Here are your five...
 - With a plus...
 - With a plus.
 - And increased...
 - Well, this is too much!
 - I can come to the retake.
 - No need, and increased.
 - And my pregnant wife. She’s waiting in the corridor.
 - What awaits the child?!
 - No, elevated.
 - Okay and wife, just leave quickly.

 - How come, professor, and for the christening?
 - What a christening.
 - Our son...
 -Are you kidding me?
 - Don’t you like children?
 - I don’t like children?! Yes, there is no thing in the world
 Loveka, who would love them so much.
 “Then come and be his godfather.”
 - Well, if godfather... I'll think about it.
 - That’s great. By the way, where will we be?
 live?
 - Live?!
 - Well, your godson can’t live in
 hostel.
 - Of course he can’t.
 - That’s wonderful, today Lyusya and I are going to
 We're moving to you. How many rooms do you have?
 - Three.
 - A person?
 - I'm alone. The wife died long ago, but the children live
 separately. You know, sometimes it’s so empty.
 Now we will all have lunch together, and
 in the evenings drink tea and watch TV.

 - This is out of the question. Tpexkom-
 We will exchange the flat for a two-room one and
 room... for you.
 - But at least you will bring the child
 on Sunday?
 - Which child?
 - My godson.
 - You're crazy. No child
 there will be. I'll send it tomorrowdo Lyuska
 abortion. And in general, I don’t care about this Lyuska with
 my upgrade and apartment...What's wrong with you
 professor? You haven't managed to put it yet
 grades for me!
 ...Three days later the funeral took place.
 The one who cried the most was a student in
 torn coat and earflaps askew. He
 cried as hard as one can cry
 only a person who lost in one
 Father's Day, wife, child, shelter and everything
 future...


  And here is a report from another exam, on
 which I was able to visit...

 Attention! Attention! Attention! We lead our
 report from the department of maternal resistance
 alov.Today the decisive
 match for the scholarship cup. Meet long ago
 nie rivals - amateur students and
 Professional professors. Warm-up in progress.
 The professor lays out tickets, students
 lay out the textbooks. Everything is ready, game
 has begun!  Here they rush to the professor
 six students at once. They quickly take
 tickets and change them instantly. Ay-ay-ay!
 Who is number one? Bricks-
 kov ? Yes, Kirpichikov got caught. Professor
 points to the door. 1:0 .Five students
 comrades roll back and sit down to prepare
 sit at one desk. Free kick! Professor
 asks the student Lyagushkin to sit out, regional
 him in the top five, who clung to his desk
 and never wants to throw his comrades into
 difficult moment for himself. Lyagushkin from neo-
 in anticipation he drops his textbook on the floor... 2:0.


 Suddenly takes the initiative
 Kruglov. Light, refined movements, and
 crib sheet on the table. Kruglov copies from
 Answers to the first question, the second... It turns out
 one on one with the professor... Three points!
 And the score becomes 2:1, so far in favor
 professional professors. Happening
 line-up change!  Appear at the department
 Ryabinkina and Pugalov. In the arsenal of Puga-
 there is one trick... Sorry, it attacks
 Ryabinkina. The professor points to the door.
 Ryabinkina is not leaving!  Professor again
 points to the door! Ryabinkina is not leaving!
 Well done, Klava! Well done, Ryabinkina! Professional
 quarrel tries to push Ryabinkina to
 doors, Ryabinkina leaves with a technical gesture
 to the side, she goes on the attack, gets
 certificates, taps himself in the chest with his heel, screams
 cheat A-A-A-A-A..... Three points!!!  Account
 becomes 2:2. So, in the arsenal
 Pugalov has one trick... Sorry, but
 the department has undergone some changes again.K


 student Bugrov, one of the
 veterans of the team, and one entered the room
 from juniors-Schoolchildren.Schoolchildren talent-
 the greatest athlete, but a little abused
 fucking individual game. Look,
 those: he takes a ticket before Bugrov and
 begins to answer... Five points! Well
 Bugrov, I see, is not discouraged, he is today
 he's in great shape, out of his pocket
 there's a bunch of cheat sheets sticking out. You should hide them
 thief!  Wellnow Bugrov is heading towards
 doors, 2:4!  ...What's happened  ? Z:Z? ...
 Aaah! It turns out that Bugrov copied it successfully,
 but not what the ticket requires. So Z:Z
 The score is solid, but it seems to me not
 final. I will continue my thought.
 Pugalov has one trick in his arsenal...
 Excuse me, Sharikov and
 Klimov. Klimov is the most experienced player. He is coming
 with his ticket. This is his old, favorite
 lenient reception. Sharikov is a different supporter
 manners of fighting. Here we see him for
 the first desk in the outer row...behind the fifth

 in the Center...behind...in the corridor! Well, Klimov
 ready!  No, it’s not for nothing that he was awarded
 title of the team's most elegant player
 Look how much dignity, grace
 in his movements! This one won't let you down! This one
 will write off what the ticket requires. Professor
 looks at his ticket, approvingly
 says... Points to the door. What is the
 Well, Klimov couldn’t have written off the wrong thing?
 ...It turns out that Klimov wrote off what was
 there is a ticket, he just mixed up the evidence
 with tepmexom.So Pugalov...Sorry, on
 Sharikov appears again at the department. Here we are
 we see him at the third desk in the extreme
 row, behind the first one in the Center...Attacking the professional
 quarrel... Five points! And the score becomes
 4:4 .So here is Pugalov...What about Pugalov?
 A Pugalov handed over his ticket and went out to rest
 see you next session. Let's go
 Let's give you a little rest...

  But not allrested! (see below)



 At one institute, students complained
 that they take too many exams.
 They met them by making only one
 exam for the entire course. And here are the tickets from
 him (by topic):
             PROGRAMMING
 1.If the milkmaid can be called an operator
 machine milking, then is it possible for a thief
 call it an assignment operator?
 2.In which country is FORTRAN the language?
 INTERNATIONAL COMMUNICATION?
 H.Type, edit and run on
 Computer program of the CPSU.

                MATHEMATICS
 1.If you can’t figure out the integral,
 then is it possible to say that he is not for you?
 given?
 2. Raise 7605З21З64728 to the 467th power.
 H. Write a textbook on functional
 analysis for 2nd grade of high school.



                  TEOPMEX
 1. Is it possible to create a system of material points
 call it a material ellipsis?
 2.Indicate the inaccuracy in the statement:
 "The trajectory of a bullet flies along a curve called
 my elps."
 H. Whichever path the development of mechanics takes?
 Nicky, if it hadn't fallen on Newton's head
 apple, and watermelon?

              SCIENTIFIC ATEISM
 1.Instill an atheistic worldview
 15 Orthodox, 10 Catholic, 5 Protestant
 tantam, 3 Muslims, 2 Jews,
 1 Buddhist and 1 Hare Krishna.
 2.Prove the harmful nature of religious
 prohibitions using the example of the Christian commandment
 di "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
 Z.Convert to some denomination andfeel the perniciousness from your own experience
 influence of religion.



                  OPTICS
 1.If the light is refracted, is it possible to
 fix it later?
 2.What spectral lines are available in
 in the light of the latest party decisions and
 government?
 Z. Is it possible to call a scientific discussion about
 nature of light small talk?

              ENGLISH LANGUAGE
 1. Place commas in the sentence: "I
 am a student."
 2.Translate the word into English
 readings: “shop cards”, “you are here”
 it didn’t stand”, “so it was a fire!”
 H. Make a new translation of "Hamlet" into
 Russian language.

              HISTORY OF PHYSICS
 1.Who discovered Ohm's law?
 2.Was the law ever discovered?
 peaceful gravity? And if there was, then why?
 H. Prove the priority of M.V. Lomonosov in

               HYDRODYNAMICS
 1.Write the absolute equations of motion
 liquid body.
 2.Is it possible to have a ceiling that is very strong
  leaks, call it superfluid?
 Z. Arrange a small
 earthquake and study the resulting
 these are Tsunami waves.

        HISTORY OF RUSSIAN LITERATURE
 1.As you know, Paxmetob is a special
 catcher Is its feature
 personal?
 2.Who is the author of Belinsky’s letter to Gogol?
 Z. Compose a poem by A. S. Pushkin
 "I remember a wonderful moment."

                PHYSICAL EDUCATION
 1. Ski jump from a springboard.
 2. Run 100 meters in 8seconds
 Z. What is the name of the cockroach that won the competition?
 pakahbux running at Physics Day-91?


                 PHILOSOPHY
 1.If quantity turns into quality,
 then why is eating 5 kg of potatoes not
 Is it the same as eating 1 banana?
 2. Come up with some kind of global fi-
 losophical problem and solve it.
 Z.Are the ideals of the dialectical
 materialism?

            MILITARY TRAINING
 1.Check the bulletproofness of the teacher
 vatela.
 2.Declare war on some state
 twa and defeat him.
 Z. Is it possible for students who have joined the queue
 to receive an automatic credit, name
 automatic burst?



          RELATIVITY THEORY
 1.When driving at very high speeds
 body weight increases greatly. This means
 Is it that in order to lose weight you need all the time
 sit in one place?
 2. If the deputy dean (or dean) suddenly
 flew to the moon at a speed of 200,000 km/s
 then:
  a/ what time is it according to our watches?
 there would have to be a flight;
  b/ how long the flight would last according to him
 own watch;
  c/ how long would it take him to
 spin back on the train;
  g/ how many students escaped during this time?
 Would you like royalties?
 Z.You were sucked into a black hole. Your actions
 actions?

                 BIOPHYSICS
 1.Take an earthworm and kiss it
 him.

 2. Do nails grow on carnations?
 Z.Crosscanary with dandelion?

            QUANTUM MECHANICS
 1. Does the pi-electron approximation mean
 that we approximately believe that in an atom
 there are 3.14 electrons?
 2. Is it possible to say anything definitive?
 uncertain about the relationship -
 stay?
 H. How many tons does a proton weigh?

              ELECTRODYNAMICS
 1. Is it possible for a railway conductor
 put in a pre-trial detention center?
 2. Can electric current flow to the north?
 east?
 H. Do electromagnetic waves propagate in
 waves: a/ on the air; b/ in kefir?

 P.S. ) from the heads. ed. )
            I HATE THE SESSION!!!