Humor - Jokes.

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║ Anecdotes.            ║
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Grandfather, granddaughter and dog on a walk. The dog barks continuously.
-Grandfather, is our Zhuchka a bitch? - asks the granddaughter.
“Yes,” the grandfather answers.
- So you fuck her, grandpa, and she will shut up.
-What are you doing, granddaughter? Who taught you this?
-And I heard dad say to mom: “You, bitch,
 If you don’t fuck me in the morning, you’ll bark all day!”

 * * *

Vovochka asks his mother:
- Mom, where do children come from?
- I told you, the stork brings them.
- I know it’s a stork. But who fucks the stork?

 * * *

The biology teacher decided to use examples to prove harm to students
smoking.  He takes a worm, throws it into a glass of alcohol - immediately from
ex.  Throws the second worm into a glass with nicotine - the same re-
As a result, I also died. Throws a worm into a glass with an egg yolk -
the worm lives.
 - Children, what conclusion can be drawn from this?
Vovochka:
 - If you don’t drink or smoke, then worms will start in your eggs!

 * * *

The daughter returns home in the morning. The father sternly asks:
- Hy? And what is it called?
- I don’t know, dad. But now this will be my hobby.

 * * *

The teacher explains to the students the rules of good manners:
- On the stairs, the man always walks ahead of the lady. Does anyone know...
  any of you, why?
Vovochka raises his hand:
- Because the lady probably doesn’t know what floor he lives on.

 * * *

On the bus.
- Citizen, where are you going through the front door?
  small!
- Well, should I cut it off now, or something?

 * * *

Patient to doctor:
 - Doctor, can you really determine the patient’s illness?
   based on his favorite literary work?
 - Yes, sure. What's your favorite book?
 - "What to do?" Chernyshevsky.
 - Yes. And how long have you been gone?

 * * *

The district police officer comes to the Narkovsky prison and says to the owner:
 - The neighbors are complaining about you, claiming that they are from your apartment
It always stinks of some kind of burnt rags, a strange laughter can be heard -
Xia. What the hell are you doing here?
Answer:
 - Yes, yes. We burn rags and laugh.

* * *

 A lady from “high society” is sitting in a reputable tavern, having lunch.
Then a Bom comes in!!!, carefully approaches the lady, sits down
Leaning behind her, he pulls an apple out of his pocket. Spit on it, wipe it in
trousers, and hands them to the lady. She, disdainfully, does not accept the “gift”.
    “Yesssss, a blowjob is out of the question here 8-( !”, - po-
thought BoM.

 * * *

 We decided to (s)adisti and (p)e&ik play cards for their desires. Per-
The second time he won, he beat the sadist, the second time the same thing,
the third time the sadist won and took the fagot to the barn. Pinched in
clench it (guess what), remove the handle so that you can’t unclench it
there was a vice and put a knife, the fagot asks
(p) What are you going to cut?
(c) No, you will cut when I set the barn on fire.

 * * *

 Our people have arrived on Mars. They look and are surprised. Martians
almost the same as us, only a little taller. And the technology is on the sa-
at my highest level! There are computers everywhere. They eat using a computer
ditch, move the same way.
    People stayed there for several days and began to get ready to go home.
They grabbed it, but one was missing. They started looking for him and suddenly they saw him running,
and behind him a young mapcuahka:
  - Sell your computer! - she asks.
  - Where are you?disappeared, and what does she want? - they ask him.
  - I met her, we talked. She told me how
they have children. For example, if you want it to be a girl
Well, you need to press the red button, if it’s a boy, then the blue one.
    She asked me: “How are you?” I showed it. She liked it!
And now she pesters me: “Sell your computer! Sell
your computer!"

 * * *

 A woman in a maternity hospital asks to weigh her baby. Such a kid in
in a robe, picks up her child and takes her to the office. In 10 minutes
returns, carrying in his hands a bloody paper bundle and a
says:
 - 2,400 without bones...

 * * *

A nurse enters the ward of two bedridden patients. One says:
 - Sister, he throws a chair at me!
 - So you throw it at him too!..
 - I can’t, I have liquid...

 * * *

There is a lecture on astronomy. Lecturer says:
    - In five trillion years, the Sun will go out and life on Earth will disappear.
will stop.
    “Excuse me,” asks one listener, “after how long?”
years will this happen?
    - In five trillion.
    “Well, thank God,” the listener sighs with relief, otherwise I
I heard “in five million”!

 * * *

Sidorov received a 2 in computer science. Nothing - he thought - strange
I’ll erase it and reformat the diary!

 * * *

The trial is underway. The causes of the car accident are being investigated. The judge
speaks to the victim:
- Tell us how the collision happened?
“I drove the car, as always,” she says. - A
  my husband was driving, as always!

 * * *

Car accident.  One car crashed into another. Poly-
Tseisky stops a lady passing by.
- Madam!  - he turns to her. -You will not agree to be a witness-
  tele?
- With pleasure! - she answers. -But first you tell me-
  those, what happened?