╔════════════════════════ ═══════════════════ ═══════════════════╗ ║ Anecdotes. ║ ╙─────────────────────────────── ───────────────────────────────╜ Little Vovochka comes home after walking. He comes into the kitchen and says: - Mom, I know a three-letter word. Mom hits him on the head with a ladle BAM! :-(... went to dad: - Dad, my mother hit me on the head with a ladle because I said I know a three letter word - Well, what is this word? - House... The father goes to the kitchen, takes a ladle, and BAM to his wife! - 8-(((WHAT??? - asks the wife - Think more about home... * * * Two newly made lamers (L1, L2) are riding on a tram. L1: What is FIDO? L2: Ooh! This is the most terrible organization, it has its own computer network. I read letters from several people. Everyone the second one at the end of the letter apologizes terribly and begs not to hit him Tom LEGS! * * * Physics exam. (E) substitute: - What device measures current strength? (C) student, looking at the cheat sheet under his palm: - Ammeter. (E), also looking at the spur under the palm: - That's right. What device measures voltage? - and grab- gives his hand (C) so that he doesn’t peek intospur. (C), stuttering: “With a tension meter,” and grabs his hand (E). (E), pause: - That's right. * * * The user ran to the sysop and said “Where is the “eni” button kay"?" Sysop replies that this means "press any button" Again the user comes running and shouts “I pressed it, but it doesn’t work?” C. Which button did you press? Y. Rezet! * * * - How many spoons of sugar do you use at home? - Two - And on a visit? - Four - Well then, make yourself at home! * * * - How many spoons of sugar should you put in? - Seven, and don’t stir, I don’t like sweets. * * * A (m) guy comes to (a) doctor and says (m) - Doctor, I think I have AIDS! (c) - Yes, it’s true that it’s AIDS, let me write it down mud lotions for you. (m) with hope - What helps? (e) - No, get used to the ground. * * * In the zone. 2 kapmahhuka in the cell: -Have you seen the guard's new watch? - show me? * * * A Georgian buys fabric in a store. - Give me 10 meters of fabric. To himcut off and ask - Where do you need so much? - Sew a suit - Yes, you need 3 meters for a suit!? - And the cap? * * * Dark alley. Night. Wardrobe-shaped (R)elves are suitable for the (M) snake that: - Uncle, let me smoke... (M) obediently takes off his beaver hat, fur coat, watch, takes out a paper Nick, He puts all this neatly in a pile. He sighs in defeat: - (R), when will you hakyputecb? * * * The sales agent takes potential buyers around the house from famous chemist: -Here is the hallway, this is the dining room, here was the laboratory of this great- which person... The buyer looks closely at one wall: -And this is probably his portrait? -No. This is the chemist himself. * * * There are two tape recorders: ours (H) and Japanese (Y). (I'm) all the same Whoa happy. (H) - Why are you so cheerful? (Me) - And the owner bought me a new cassette! (H) - Will you let me chew? * * * 2 HP enter the Auto Store 1 HP - Please 2 Mercedes... 2 HP - Hey, why do you need two? 1 HP - Well, you treated me to coffee today... * * * Caught a (m)snake (r)fish: (r) Come on man, make three wishes! (m) Yes, I don’t need anything, I have everything! (p) Well, at least something, well, at least one thing!!! (m) Well, okay, make me a hero of Russia! The picture changes - a man with a grenade in his hands clinging to wall of a house and 6 tanks are heading towards it... (m) Holy shit, is it posthumous or what? :-[ ] * * * In the store. - Do you have tomato juice? - No. - Why? - The tomatoes haven't rotted yet. * * * - My husband lives one day at a time. - Mine too. It's no good at night, * * * The cool (K) people found out that there is a successful Chukchi in their country homeland. In general, they come there to him and catch the Chukchi (C): (K) - Do you have any bucks, gold? (H) - no, however, neither gold nor bucks (K) -Vova dip This Vova takes the Chukchi and carries him to the ice hole, dips him (K) - well, why are there money? (H)-no (K) -Vova dip (K) - Well, what is gold? (H) - no, there’s nothing there, but at least you lowered the mask deeper At least they gave it, otherwise you can’t see a thing! * * * The recruitment committee in the forest rejected the Hare - everyone knows they say that he is a coward. The hare got offended and began to swingrights. Him and They say: “Prove your courage, bring a wolf’s tooth.” The Hare walks through the forest and sees a drunken Wolf in the hollow. Came up, sweat- I put my cassock on his shoulder and he doesn’t wake up. He punched the Wolf in the teeth, I picked up what had fallen out and ran to the military registration and enlistment office. Three years have passed. The Hare returned from the army. Goes, the icons are blue sits, flaunts a black beret, sings a song - “The sea spreads widely." Suddenly, from behind a bush, someone hit him on the head with a brick! The hare fell, and from the bushes there was such a lisping, lisping singing: “for good reason- but the old lady is walking her son home..." * * * A (G)Ruzin is being tried for the murder of a tourist. (C) judge: (C) Tell me how it was. (D) First he passed by my house and saw that my daughter waters the flowers. He stopped under the balcony and started shouting to her, that he would climb in and fuck her. The speaker sucks. (C) And they killed you for this? (D) What do you mean, how can you? Then he climbed onto my balcony. Alpi- fucking nist. (C) And they killed you for this? (D) What do you mean, how can you? Then he raped my daughter right on basket with flowers. The gardener sucks. (C) And they killed you for this? (D) What do you mean, how can you? Then he walked into the room and saw how my wife plays the piano and she was raped on the piano. Pianist new (C) And they killed you for this? (D) What are you doing as much as possible? (C) And for what then? (D) So he promised to rape me, you fucking dreamer... * * * A first-year student is asked how much 2x2 is: Without hesitation - 4. For a second year student: He looked into the spur - 4. For a third year student: He took out a calculator - 4. For a fourth year student: He ran to draw up a program. Student 5: - (indignantly) Why should I remember all the constants?!! * * * One day Ilyusha (I) comes home and his father (O) is lying there - all bruised, beaten, bandaged. (And) asks him: -Who are you? -Yes, the hero (B) came to the village.... -Well, let's go to the showdown. Come to (B): (I): Do you know who I am????? (B): You are a great hero. (I): Who is this? - points to (O) (B): This? ah, your father is a fool - he hits (O) on the ear. (I): What do you mean, do you know who I am???? (B): A great Russian hero, invincible by anyone. (I): Who is this????? (on father) (B): Moron, father. - hits him on the ear. (O): Ilyush, let’s go home, otherwise your showdown is already where I am. * * * A punk is sitting in a bathhouse, and sees that men are hammering joints, he says to them: - Guys, give it to me! -Well, just look at how strong it is... - It doesn’t bother me at all. Then he (punk) hears that someone is stealing his car - he runs out of Bani brakes the first car he comes across and drivesher, loses her the car is out of sight, the driver gets tired of it and the driver drops him off at deserted road. There's a punk coming - not a soul around, "Die here Apparently I’ll have to,” he thinks, “Well, at least I’ll poop before I die.” He adjusts himself, bends over, sits down - here is a kick in the ass: -I'll show you how to shit in a bathhouse.... * * * A (M) guy comes to a (T) therapist. (M): Doctor, my ears really hurt. (T): I’ll give you a referral to an ENT specialist, let him take a look. After some time the man returns... . (M) It's me again. (T) And what did the ENT say? (M) He says he needs to prepare for the operation, it will be amputated:(( (T) What are you? Why such difficulties, I’ll give you pills, you’ll take them Be careful, your ears will fall off on their own. * * * The overfed captain tears the newspaper into small pieces and throws jerks from the window of a moving bus. “Excuse me,” the woman sitting next to him turned to him. - Why are you doing this? - It scares away cats. - But I don't see any cats. - An effective remedy, isn’t it? * * * After a shipwreck, two people are on a raft. “Listen, fellow countryman,” said one of them, “how to determine the hundred- rons of light? “You know, bro,” answered the other, “all II remember this is how it is that moss grows on the north side of the tree!!! * * * Two novice users went to the village, where they rented guns and dogs, let's go hunt hares. They'll be back in an hour foxed - Do you want more cartridges? - asked the huntsman. - No, we want more dogs!!! * * * A tourist tells the girls about his latest trip. - ........ now we have run out of food and alcohol. Everyone wanted drink. - And the water is over? - they asked him. - There was water, but there was no time for washing. * * * The ensign addressed the soldiers marching in the ranks: -Who sings well? “Chaliapin,” one of the soldiers joked. - Chaliapin, sing it up! * * * A tourist asked a local resident of a provincial town: - I see your town is small. Celebrities are yours were born? - Heea, only children. * * * The grandson asked his grandfather if he was afraid when he stood guard at night. “I was afraid, my dear,” answered the grandfather. -But only until didn't fall asleep. ** * The 600th is coming, followed by an ambulance and a fire department. How half- near the traffic police post they slow him down, and immediately behind him is an ambulance with They stop with a fire department. Well, the cop is all confused: - Why did you stop, drive on, I’m only the six hundredth stopped. Here "Brother" says, - and this is with me. The cop is generally upset - “why do you need this?” - “So because of you parasites, then show you the first aid kit, then the fire extinguishers - tel..." * * * At the pet store. -Do you have a parrot? -Unfortunately, no, but we can offer a woodpecker. -What, he talks too? -No, but he mastered Morse code. * * * The mouse is drowning in a bottle of wine. And here is the cat. She asks him: -Save me, and then do whatever you want. I'll drown in wine - shame on the whole mouse world. The cat saves her. She dries up and snuck into the hole. Cat indignantly: -Well, you promised! -You never know what a woman can promise while drunk. * * * The young, green fidosh point comes not for the first time in his life not a point. Arrives long before, leaves, hesitates near the co- Lonna, looked around, saw a crowd of Georgians standing. Well he's so timid comes up and asks: - f... fff...fFido? - Nat! - ABOUT! Their!!! * * * The ensign lined up the soldiers in rank and said: - Now let's go unload the lumine. Voice: - Not lumine, but aluminum, Comrade Warrant Officer. (P) - And those who are highly literate will go unload cast iron. * * * Two cowboys are driving through Texas and see a bunch of crap... (1) - Joe, I'll give you $100 and you'll eat this shit. (2) - Ok! They move on. Again they see a bunch of crap. The second one thinks: why the hell did I eat, just think, $100. (2) - Michael, let me give you $100 and you eat this shit. The first one thinks: It’s a pity for the money, to hell with it, I’ll eat it and return the money. (1) - Ok! They move on. (1) - Joe, don’t you think we ate too much crap for nothing? * * * Court. There is a trial going on, they are considering a murder case. (C)judge - (P)defendant, tell me how it all happened. (P) - Well, then we went moose hunting. Let's go, well my friend went to drain it. I look for something and I can’t see him. Then look Ryu, something is moving in the bushes, the elk thought, so I shot. (C) - When did you realize that it wasn’t an elk? (P) - When he started shooting back... * * * At the gas station there are 600 in line. Suddenly it flies at full speedgas Grand Cherokee and becomes in the beginning of the queue. The gang comes out of the jeep: - Any objections? The glass at 600 lowers and from there a hairy hand covered in rings. Throws fingers: - Hey! You! On a UAZ! Come on, get in line! * * * Two veterinarians examine a sick cow. One looks into the mouth, the other - into the ass. The second one asks the first one: “Can you see me?” - No. Not visible. - Write: intestinal volvulus. * * * The mother goat goes for milk and tells the kids (K) - When I come, you will open with the password “suck the nipple” and the wolf I overheard this, came to the door and said in a thin voice (B) - little goats, - suck the nipple! (K) - at least you can fucking suck, we have a peephole! * * * Can a German Shepherd become a Bulldog? - Maybe if you chop off her tail and stuff her face. * * * When will world famine occur? - When the Chinese start eating with forks. * * * Will there be a new world war? - There will be no war, but there will be such a struggle for peace that there will be no stone left. no stone will be left unturned. * * * What is the difference between a statue and a woman? - The statue first falls and then breaks, the woman does the opposite. * * * Can a dog get a heart attack? - Maybe if human conditions are created for her. * * * A woman comes to work and has a huge black eye under her eye. Employees, of course, let’s ask how and where. Woman and says: - I’m standing at a tram stop and I see a (m)zhik from three cops runs away. Well, I decided to help my native police - when (m) by ran by, I tripped him. (M) face on the asphalt, and the cops run past and jump into the approaching tram. (M) rises into the eye like a habephet. :( * * * So the competition is taking place. World boxing champion tricked out dressed all in a cool leather jacket in the locker room, changing clothes. Well ne- I changed my clothes, which means, hop, the locker won’t close. Without hesitation he wrote a note “Whoever touches the jacket, I’ll kill you. World boxing champion- su". And he left. He returns after a while. Hop - There is no jacket, there is a note next to it - “First catch up, then kill. Champion world running." * * * Vasily Ivanovich is sitting in a boat, suddenly he sees holes in the boat - ka... Well, let's shut her up: shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up shut up..... Woke up... half the blanket in my ass. * * * Two programmers meet. Long time no see: - Hello! How are you? - OK! Well, what kind of meeting? - Let's! - Stop, you’re not drinking, you’re coded. - And I found the code!!! * * * The man comes home late. His wife asks him: - Where have you been? - We played chess with Vasya... - Why do you smell of vodka? - Should I smell like chess? * * * The doctor comes to the patient’s room (not curable), addresses the nurse: - Well, did you give me my medicine? - Yes... - Well, how is he? - Died! - Did you sweat before you died? - Yes - (pretty) that's good :-) * * * Cheburashka comes to Crocodile Gena’s store: - Are there any Lepisins? - No. We should say 'oranges'! The next day: - Are there any Lepisins? - No. If you say “lepisins” again, I’ll nail you to the wall! The next day: - Are there any nails? - No. - Alepisina?
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