Humor - If programmers built houses.

                                                                
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            + If programmers built houses... +            
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 (c) Yuri Nesterenko (2:5020/1402)                              
                                                                
                                                                
     1.03. Hurray! We were offered a large contract for the construction
12-storey residential building. Everyone is very enthusiastic. Drank on
joys 2 boxes of beer.                                          
                                                                
     2.03. The customer does not like the expression "as soon as possible
right away."  Requires name specific deadlines.  These dark people
customers don’t know anything about high technology.             
                                                                
     3.03. We discussed the timing.  We drank 3 cases of beer. Petrovich
says that all the work here will take 4 months. So, in fact
8. As a result, 12 was written down in the contract, although it’s unlikely to be earlier than 16
will we manage?                                                   
                                                                
4.03. We celebrate the signing of the contract.                            
                                                                
5.03. We celebrate the signing of the contract.                            
                                                                
6.03. Petrovich went to hand over the bottles.                           
                                                                
     7.03. We continue to celebrate the signing of the contract for money,
received by Petrovich.                                          
                                                                
     8.03. Celebrating March 8th. We don't have women in our company, so
no one spoiled the holiday.                                       
                                                                
     9.03. We spent a long time remembering what we celebrated yesterday. Came
Alex said that it was time to start working. Sent. Let's play
Quake.                                                          
                                                                
     1.04. Sidorov came and said it was timestart working.
Who does he want to piss off with his April Fool's jokes?       
                                                                
     2.04. Petrovich too says it's time to start work.
They agreed that is it?  They surrounded the area with a fence and hung
beautiful posters
(www.domostroy.gi).
Quake.                                                          
                                                                
     20.04.  A customer came and asked how things were going. They imprisoned
him for a computer with Quake and allowed us to beat all of us. Gone
very  satisfied. However, it seems it's time to really start
work.                                                       
                                                                
     21.04.  We discussedthe project. Sidorov offers large-block
architecture. Petrovich says what blocks bulky, bad
join withother, contain a lot of unnecessary things and generally
it is unknown what kind of cracks they have inside. Declares that from
blocks build only completed lamellas. Insists that everything
you have to build it the old fashioned way, out of brick, even though it takes much longer.
The most radical projectAlex suggested. He says that in general
not you need to build a 12-story house, but you need to build several
dozens wooden  cottages  and connect them underground
tunnels. They say, it’s so fashionable in the West now. They reminded him
what the customer requires exactly 12-storey house. He fought back and
shouted that customers are stupid by definition, and only listen to them
finished  lamers.  In  the most interesting moment of the discussion
the beer has run out. We decided to continueTomorrow.                       
                                                                
     22.04.  We tried to resolve the issue with a duel in Quake. Alexa with his
they immediately filled up with cottages, but between Petrovich and Sidorov they came out
a draw. In the end everyone will build according to their own plan, and then
Let's try to connect it all so that it doesn't collapse.                  
                                                                
23.04. We started building. Everyone is enthusiastic.                 
                                                                
     30.04.  The first floor is ready!  We showed it to the customer. He
I was wondering why the ceiling heights are different in different rooms,
why from walls fall out bricksand why there is no
entrance, and you have to get in through the window. They explained to him that
These are special limitations of the demo version. We're going on holidays
proud of themselves.                                                   
                                                                
     10.05.  Petrovich was the first to sober up and cursed for a long time. We
they thought that Alex drank all the beer. It turned out that everything was even worse:
Petrovich remembered that we forgot about the foundation. In the project he
Of course, it’s described, but only lamers read the documentation.     
                                                                
     11.05.  The first floor was destroyed. It's a shame, damn it. On the other hand,
good thing earlier work we didn’t start, otherwise how much work
down the drain.                                                       
                                                                
     11.07.  We are working. Petrovich is completing the second floor, Sidorov
- fifth.  Alex hauled the elevator shaft to the ninth floor, she
now  sticks out  above  all design and in strong wind
sways suspiciously. Wooden supports were temporarily installed. 
                                                                
     17.07.  Alex is building an attic and a roof.  Sinceupper
floors there are no floors yet, we have to build on the ground. Then we'll raise
tap. At least that's what Alex hopes.                 
                                                                
     13.08.  Sidorov's panels do not fit together. The gap is more than a meter.
There is no panelof a suitable shape to plug it up. Sidorov called
Petrovich and suggested covering it up with bricks. Petrovich stated that
him of his own affairs by throat, and in general, without knowledge of the internal
nothing can be done about the panel architecture.                      
                                                                
     14.08.  We broke several panels to Petrovich could
study internal architecture. Petrovich swears and shouts that
panel designers are complete lamers.                         
                                                                
     17.08.  Petrovich repaired the hole.  True, panels at the same time
skewed, but this is already trifles. Wiring from both panels
I had to take it out and tie it in a knot. Petrovich wrapped the knot
electrical tape and assures that it will work unless it rains
will do.                                                         
                                                                
  1.09.  Stroykombinat  released  new version panels,
improved strength and insulation, with built-in wall
cabinets. True, neither in shape nor in size they are compatible with
previous ones and, in addition,moreover, three times heavier. Sidorov is eager
break down everything that we we have already done, and rebuild it anew, with
new panels. They barely talked me out of it. And, in any case, the foundation
I couldn't stand such a weight. What architecture are they based on?
Are these factory workers counting?                                 
                                                                
     16.09.  He came running  Alex, overwhelmed by an idea. Offers
doallwindows in the house are resizable. Says the customer
will drag. They told him not to show off.             
                                                                
     2.10. Petrovich got to fifth floor. Proud himself.
Draw his attention to the fact that his wall is tilted under
angle 40 degrees. He swore and shouted that we were lamer and did nothing
we understand. Then he promised to think about it.                                
                                                                
     3.10. The customer came.  Asked why the wall was tilted
at an angle of 40 degrees. They explained to him about the Coriolis force. He's everything
listened, then said that he, of course, is in the construction business
he doesn't understand anything , but he has exactly the same house next door, and
there the wall isstraight.  Crap. I hate smart customers. Then this one
idiot Alex blurted out in front of him about his changeable windows. Customer,
Naturally,lit up and insists that they do just that.
Damn twice.                                                    
                                                                
     4.10. They asked Alexa if everything would have to be disassembled for his sake
windows  He assures that no - as if standard panels
There is such an undocumented function. Naturally, to the brick
This does not apply to parts of the house. Petrovich is categorically against it.     
                                                                
     5.10. Petrovich admitted that with the wallindeed there is
problem.  He says that he placed some brick incorrectly. But
To understand which one, you need to go through them all. Everything is simpler
demolish and rebuild.                                      
                                                                
     6.10. We convinced Petrovich, that build all over again from
he won't be able to make bricks already .  Demonstrated he calculations on
calculator.  Petrovich  swore,  screamed,  what is the calculator
lamers were invented. Then he finally agreed to build from panels and
went on a binge out of grief. 8.10. They broke the brick part. Along the way, the panel was damaged.
The entire building creaks and sways threateningly. Reinforced with wood
props and went to play Quake.                              
                                                                
10.17. Petrovich came out of his drinking bout. We are working.                       
                                                                
     7.11. We celebrate November 7th - or as it's there now
called?  There are no communists we in the company, so it's a holiday
no one spoils.                                                
                                                                
     15.11. We remembered that our crane only reaches up to the 8th floor.
They sent Sidorov to get it new faucet. We play Quake. Alex
killed Petrovich. The shift is growing!                                
                                                                
  24.11. Sidorov returned. I didn’t get the crane, but I got a cool one
excavator.  He proposes to dig a deep shaft and build a house without
in height, a in depth. Says, which is nowhere in the contract
It is said that 12 floors should be above the surface.  Barely
dissuaded.                                                     
                                                                
     25.11.  We brainstormed on problem crane. On
last  bottle beer  found  solution.  Threw main
construction. We are building a 4-story house nearby. Then we’ll pull in our crane
on his roof.                                                   
                                                                
     25.12.  We celebrate Catholic Christmas. Catholics in our country
the company does not, so no one spoils the holiday.                    
                                                                
14.01. I don't remember anything. My head hurts. Guys, what year is it now? 
                                                                
     2.02. Well, it seems that we are finally completing the 12th floor.
3abtpa we will fit from above the attic and the roof that I built
Alex.                                                                
     3.02.  Alex -lamer.  The roof moves down regularly. Bye
propped up with a crane. We are thinking about what to do next.                     
                                                                
     4.02. Alex proves that he is not guilty. Just 12 floors
Sidorova on 4 meters higher and 5 meters wider than 12 floors
Petrovich. It turned out that they built from different panels. But
Alex is all equally lame, because his roof does not fit
size to none of the options. His elevator shaft, by the way, too. 5.02.  Latali, strengthened and increased roof. Petrovich
says he will hold on if it doesn't snow.              
                                                                
7.02. It started snowing.                                               
                                                                
     10.02.  We built a plywood roof,  painted it to look like tin.
Let's hope the customer doesn't notice.                           
                                                                
     11.02.  Testedelevator.  Itsstops occur between
floors, but you can get out of the cabin. On even floors crawling,on  odd  -  pulling up.  Don't forget  describe it in
documentation.                                                   
                                                                
     12.02.  Aactually the elevator moves extremely slowly. Petrovich
scolds everyone for lameness and is going to start optimizing.        
                                                                
     13.02.  Petrovich optimized the elevator. He accelerated and struck
roof and flew in an unknown direction. It's good that the roof
plywood, and it will be easy to repair. After this, the elevator shaft collapsed.
We remembered  that so and not replaced wooden supports on
something more durable. Nothing. Walking is useful.        
                                                                
     15.02.  Finishing work is underway. For some reason they disappear somewhere
painters and plasterers. We agreed to send more.            
                                                                
     17.02.  It turned out that that because of errors Sidorova doors on
floors with second to sixth open only to the input. B
result  on  these floors have accumulated many painters and
plasterers who cannot go back. Sidorov promised everything
fix it. For now we feed the painters and plasterers through the windows.     
                                                                
     20.02.  Alex finally completed his changing windows.
Tested. It turned out that when changing the window size in it
glass is breaking  In addition, a number of side effects are observed.
For example, a toilet and a bathtub can move into the living room of one apartment
fromother.  Also sometimes doors disappear and balconies crumble.
It is useless to complain about the construction plant - they will say that there is nothing
useundocumented functions.                    
                                                                
     21.02.  The customer came. He asked whether would it be possible to add
project minor changes. In particular, instead of a 12-story building
build  village  from  wooden  cottages, connected
tunnels.  He read that that in the West it is now fashionable.
Neutralized Alexa before he managed open your mouth, and
politely but firmly explained to the customer that he was wrong.          
                                                                
     22.02. The balconies continue to crumble, although we change the windows
did not touch it anymore. Apparently this is some kind of independent glitch. Which one
it’s too late to look, so they just tore the remaining balconies off
sin. Let's try to explain to the customer that this was done for the purpose of
optimization.                                                    
                                                                
     23.02.  Celebrated February 23. We don’t have military personnel in our company,
so holiday no one spoiled it. There are no women either, so
Nobody gave us gifts. It's a shame.                            
                                                                
     25.02.  Alex tried to finish his windows. As a result
half of scared of them to zero size and not back
unfolds. They told him not to show off anymore, otherwise
it will be even worse.                                                 
                                                                
     27.02.  Remembered what is it and forgot to do entrance.
They wondered if the house would collapse if they cut through it now. Sidorov
said thatit’s better not to take risks. Petrovich called him a lamer and
agreed. Don’t forget to describe the entry through the window in the documentation as
design feature.                                            
                                                                
     1.03. K-how is the first of March?! Where?! Just yesterday... Damn.
Who knew that this lamer February has 28 days! It turns out, change
object - not in a week, butthe day after tomorrow?!                      
                                                                
2.03. Emergency. We work 24 hours a day without waking up.           
                                                                
     3.03. We convinced the customer that we need one more day for
final testing.  M-yes, well, we worked yesterday... A in
in general, not everything is so scary. So what if some doors
are located in floor or in ceiling, or lead from the tenth floor
straight to street, to some apartments is basically impossible
get in the bathroom is combined with the kitchen in some places, in half of the houseno
water, in the other half - electricity, sewerage breaks off
on sixth floor, and the stairs between the eighth and ninth were
make a rope? The main thing is carry out the customer correctly
route.  And more - have time to tomorrow hang in place
missing windows pictures depicting landscapes outside the window...  
                                                                
  4.03. Yes! Yes! We did it! We celebrate the delivery of the object. I
I drink little I need more have time to quit, before than this
the crap will collapse to hell...