Les Poderviansky: The Meeting Place Cannot Be Changed, Blyad!

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║          Les Poderviansky              ║
║                                        ║
║                 A PLAY.                ║
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║ The Meeting Place Cannot Be Changed,   ║
║                Blyad!                  ║
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║             Characters:                ║
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║Neznayka - a superman-viking;           ║
║Hurvynek - an anti-Semite;              ║
║Karandash - a kitsch artist;            ║
║Samodelkin - a merchant marine sailor;  ║
║Petrushka - a silent dwarf in a cap;    ║
║Buratino - just a putz;                 ║
║Malvina - a girl with blue hair;        ║
║Sineglazka - an alcoholic wreck;        ║
║Little Red Riding Hood - a beautiful,   ║
║selfish, and stupid whore;              ║
║Artemon - a black dog;                  ║
║Mnatsakanov - a ghost on television.    ║
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The action takes place in Karandash’s studio. The studio is hung with the host’s lavish handiwork. Among them: painted plaster pirate heads, ashtrays shaped like Death, and naked chicks in rococo frames. By the window sits Petrushka, a silent dwarf in a cap, painting an egg. On the floor snore the drunk, filthy, and naked Samodelkin in a torn telnyashka and Karandash; Artemon the poodle sits astride them. At the table sit two morons, drinking and shooting the shit; from the bathroom come the sounds of water and the cheerful cackle of Little Red Riding Hood.

Buratino (in a terrifying, hoarse voice):
— So listen, fuck, like, fuck, he sees that fucking thing flying. Around it—lamps, headlights, and the reddest lamp is blinking. And it’s flying right into his vegetable garden. So it stops by the barn and blinks, and that dumbfuck trots over there. His wife screams, and he goes: "That’s the only way! Relax, you old bitch," and out of that fucking thing a hand suddenly grabs him... come here, stuffed him into the UFO, and flew off to fuck knows where, to the boondocks.

Hurvynek:
— And that’s it?

Buratino:
— Nah, they flew here and there, well, all that kind of shit, flew back and tossed him out on his ass. And after that, the dude fucking forgot everything. They ask him: what’s your name, and he goes—"beh"... They show him his wife—and he goes—"beh"...

Hurvynek:
— Ah, that’s all bullshit.

Buratino:
— What bullshit, it's written in a book!

Hurvynek:
— My kum, he's the director of a bathhouse, so his nephew comes home one day, and his wife isn’t there. He goes to the neighbor’s, the neighbor’s not there either. He hid behind the stove, thinking: when she comes back, I'll scare her. Then that bitch comes in, strips off her clothes, lets her hair down like this, smears herself with some kind of shit and—whoosh—up the chimney. Kum also stripped everything off and started smearing himself, smeared himself and also up the chimney. He flies onto some mountain, well, where those folks party, there’s a big-ass chair standing there, their king is sitting in it and all that shit... And that bitch says: "What the fuck are you doing here? Fuck off out of here!" gives him a log and says: "This is your horse, now fuck right off, just don’t blab to anyone, or you'll die!" He flew back and immediately blabbed to my kum, and kum told me.

Buratino:
— And what, did he die?

Hurvynek:
— Right on the spot. At the funeral, he was lying in the coffin completely blue.

There is a banging at the door.

Buratino (to Petrushka):
— Hey, you faggot, roll over and open it!

Petrushka silently drops the eggs and shuffles to the door.

Hurvynek (examining Petrushka’s work):
— Fuck, painted some kike.

Malvina enters, tossing her blue hair.

Buratino:
— So, Malvina, gonna give us some pussy?

Malvina (offended):
— Fuck, what is that supposed to mean? Don’t you have a wife for that?

Buratino:
— What wife? Come on, what does a wife have to do with this?

Malvina:
— No. If you want, boys, only blowjobs, you’re welcome, that’s allowed, but for fucking—go fuck at home!

Hurvynek:
— Ugh, stingy cunt.

Hurvynek and Buratino booze up. From the bathroom come the happy, stupid cackling of Little Red Riding Hood and the sound of water.

Hurvynek (with an unpleasant burp):
— I used to know a chick once, such a pretty chick! But, you see, she only had a pretty body, fuck all else, brains completely absent. She was dating a guy, such a good lad. He dreamed that one day he’d go into the army and she’d wait for him. And so they come to a gazebo, and she tells him: "Now fuck me!" And he goes: "How?" And she says to him: "Now I'll show you how!" And instead of him fucking her, she fucked him herself. Well, so he popped her cherry, he liked it. And she’s lying there and says: "Now fuck off!" And he goes: "How?" Man, feel sorry for the kid.

Buratino:
— All kinds of shit happens. A chick loved me once, too. I’d come over, sit down, and couldn't lie down right away, so I wouldn’t throw up, so I’d just sit like that the whole time, and that bitch would come up from behind, put her hands on my shoulders and stroke and stroke. I’d tell her: "What are you stroking me for, you cunt, what am I to you—a cat?" And right in the kisser—bam! (sighs) She loved me.

Malvina:
— God, I hate it when men talk this kind of shit: that one loved me, that one went crazy. Look at yourselves—who needs you?

Neznayka enters, a blond viking-superman, wearing a leather coat over a leather jacket. On Neznayka’s hands are gold sovereign rings, wads of cash sticking out of every pocket.

Malvina (to herself):
— Holy fuck!

Behind Neznayka walks Sineglazka. She has black eyes under her lids. She herself is drunk, uninhibited, smelly, and nobody needs her except Neznayka.

Sineglazka:
— Hello, boys! I brought you something to fuck!

Neznayka (with a Baltic accent):
— Listen, Sineglazka, I beg of you.

Sineglazka:
— Fuck off, I'm sick of you, idiot! Hey, guys!

Neznayka:
— Sineglazochka, what did I say wrong?

Malvina (to Neznayka):
— Excuse me, you have such a pleasant accent! Are you German, by any chance?

Neznayka:
— No, I am from the Baltics.

Malvina:
— Ah, how interesting. Tell me your name.

Neznayka:
— Neznauskas. Excuse me, I'll be right back. (To Sineglazka): Sineglazochka, can I talk to you for a minute, let’s walk to the toilet and back.

Sineglazka and Neznayka go into the spacious toilet, from where, very shortly, obnoxious drunken female swearing and the sound of slapping are heard.

Malvina:
— My God, I can’t bear this! What a man! What a stallion!

Buratino:
— Malvina, they went into the shitter, how about we go to the bathroom?

Hurvynek:
— Where the fuck are you gonna go, Little Red Riding Hood’s been sitting there since morning.

Malvina:
— Get away from me, you disgusting hounds, I can’t take this. My God!

Malvina begins to sob. Screams from Sineglazka can be heard from the toilet:
— I fucked your money, I fucked your car, you cheapskate, you asshole!
Slaps are heard again, and weeping again. The female crying sounds in unison, beautiful and powerful. Its sounds awaken Samodelkin, the merchant marine sailor, and Karandash, the kitsch artist.

Samodelkin (shrugging Artemon off himself):
— Ha-ha, the girls are weeping, the sailors are laughing! (To Karandash): Antonio, rise and shine, or should I throw the dog at you?

Karandash:
— Don’t touch her, she’s contagious, and what the fuck anyway, I have to go to the market tomorrow! What kind of whores, what kind of mess is this? I told Buratino to do the dishes. Fuck, where’s the cleanliness? Everyone’s about to fuck off out of here.

Samodelkin:
— Ha-ha, you don’t know jack shit about sailors, you greenhorns. (And roars wildly): "In vain the old woman waits for her son back home..." Antonio, get up, fucker, or I’ll throw the dog right into your fucking face!

Karandash:
— Who’s Antonio? My name is Karandash.

Samodelkin:
— Well, consider yourself having fucked around too much.

Samodelkin hurls the dog Artemon right into Karandash’s mug. Artemon and Karandash shriek. At this very moment, Neznayka comes out of the toilet. He is weeping bitterly. He sits holding his head with both hands, his shoulders shaking. At this, Samodelkin’s mirth reaches a higher level.

Samodelkin wildly roars:
— "And they’ll say, she will burst into tears..."

Samodelkin roars and dances a tap dance. Sineglazka crawls out of the toilet on all fours, beaten to a pulp.

Sineglazka (on all fours):
— "And the waves run from the propeller astern..."

Karandash:
— And now everyone’s gonna fuck off.

Hurvynek:
— Give me a kike, buddies! Give me a kike, that’s my request.

Sineglazka is on all fours halfway between the toilet and the main room. She vomits and sings. Cheerful sounds made by Little Red Riding Hood are heard from the bathroom. The guys are partying. The only ones not taking part in the fun are the weeping Neznayka, Malvina, and Petrushka, the silent dwarf in a cap. Malvina walks up to the weeping Neznayka, puts her hands on his shoulders, and caresses him.

Malvina:
— Let’s leave this place, I beg you. Let’s leave and be happy.

Neznayka, getting a buzz from being pitied, slams his head against the wall with all his might and sobs even louder.

Malvina:
— There, there, don’t, she’s not worth it. Don’t, my sweet. (Playfully) Because if you don’t stop, I’ll start crying too. You don’t want that, do you?

His head slamming against the wall serves as her answer.

Sineglazka (hiccuping):
— Knocked all the plaster off already, the faggot.

Karandash:
— Buratino, I said go sweep up what Sineglazka puked up and pick up the plaster. These are your friends, I’m fucking baffled, what is this shit?

Hurvynek takes a plaster pirate off the wall:
— A kike? Why are you silent?
Crack.
The kike pirate falls to the floor and shatters. Karandash freezes.

Hurvynek (to Karandash):
— What, feeling sorry for the kike? Maybe you’re a kike too?

Karandash (frightened):
— No, I’m Ukrainian.

Samodelkin (dancing a tap dance):
— Just as much as I’m Chinese!

Little Red Riding Hood enters, wearing a beautiful, red rubber swim cap and nothing else. She is beautiful, naked, wet, and lazy.

Little Red Riding Hood:
— I'm so tired! It’s so noisy here! Buratino, darling, I want to watch TV.

Buratino rushes to please the beauty.

Malvina (to herself):
— Bitch, she’s tired! Sitting in the bathtub all day! She’s tired! And I’m not tired? Naked cunt!

Little Red Riding Hood:
— I am not naked, I am nude.

Buratino turns on the TV. Mnatsakanov is on TV.

Mnatsakanov:
— And now, here is a video report from California. Two passenger expresses collided. According to preliminary estimates, the number of casualties exceeds...

Suddenly Mnatsakanov notices the nude Little Red Riding Hood, chokes, and starts hiccuping.

Hurvynek (confidently):
— A kike! What are you staring at?

Mnatsakanov:
— Well, actually...

Little Red Riding Hood starts seductively scratching her belly and giggling.

Sineglazka (playfully to Mnatsakanov):
— Hey mister, how old are you?

Neznayka (hysterically):
— I can’t live like this anymore! Bullshit everywhere! Faggots all around! I don’t need anything! The coat—to hell with it (takes off the leather coat), the jacket—fuck the jacket (takes off the jacket), take it, I don’t need it! (Looks at his feet) The kicks—fuck 'em. Take it, take everything! Eat it!

Neznayka takes off his shoes and starts pulling the gold sovereign rings off his hands. The rings won’t easily come off his chubby fingers.

Neznayka:
— Rings, fucking whore, won’t come off.

Weeping Neznayka gives up on the rings, but manages to grab his "Rolex" watch and hurls it straight at Sineglazka, then takes off his pants and throws them at Mnatsakanov. Neznayka stands in tight white underpants with a faint yellow halo around his dick and screams terribly.

Neznayka:
— That’s it! That’s all!

Neznayka pulls stacks of cash out of his jacket and trousers and begins hurling them at his friends. He throws one stack straight into Mnatsakanov's fucking face. Mnatsakanov makes an imperceptible move and with a click of his teeth predatorily catches the stack in his mouth. Mnatsakanov's eyes gleam terribly, a predatory growl erupts from his mouth and nose.

Hurvynek:
— Look at that, what a kike! Give it back!

Malvina (frightened):
— He’s gonna eat us all right now!

The broads shriek in terror and crawl under the table. A terrible racket rises. Hurvynek picks up Neznayka’s handsome and heavy shoe from the floor and smashes the fucking TV with it. A horrific explosion roars. Black smoke creeps from the fucked-up thing onto the girls and boys. Everyone is screaming, Artemon the dog is howling. Only Hurvynek is calm. He wipes his hands on his trousers and pours himself some port.

Hurvynek:
— Ugh, fucking yid mug.

Everyone laughs, a beautiful toccata quietly begins to play. Samodelkin tap-dances along to it. Buratino caresses Malvina, Malvina caresses Neznayka, Neznayka caresses Sineglazka with one hand, and with the other helps her puke. Sineglazka pukes, Karandash draws, Little Red Riding Hood scratches her belly, Petrushka finds an egg under the table that miraculously didn't break and gets to work painting it.

Buratino (dully):
— Well, so what? Are we partying tomorrow?

Hurvynek:
— You fucking bet! The meeting place cannot be changed, fuck!!!

CURTAIN.

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p/s:
The mistakes in the text were introduced deliberately and not quite so (in the latter case, it's explained by the fact that when I was typing this text it was already 5:30 in the morning and I was brutally sleepy Z-z-z...:)))