Gag-itis

╔════════════════════════════════════════╗
║                                        ║
║                GAG-ITIS                ║
║                                        ║
╚════════════════════════════════════════╝

Night Rendezvous

In the middle of the night, my doorbell rang. I walked up to the door...
– Who's there?
– Hello, I'm your aunt!
– Why the male voice, then?
– Well, your uncle then!
– But I don't have an uncle...
– Then your classmate from Zapuzyrinsk!
– But I never went to school in Zapuzyrinsk!!
– Well then, a plumber. Open up.
– I didn't call for a plumber!
– Then we're firefighters! By the way, your place is on fire!
– Why doesn't it smell like smoke, then?
– It will in a second! Open up quick! Police!
– Don't buy it! The police sleep at night...
– Giving the police lip, you scumbag? Open up, or we'll kick the door down!
– Why break it? I'm opening it right now... Masha! Put on your flak jacket, roll out the cannon!
– What the hell are you rolling out, you bastard?
– Me—a cannon, the wife—a grenade launcher, my son—a Kalashnikov, the cat—a grenade!
– What kind of grenade?
– Anti-tank! Hey, Murka, you idiot, why are you chewing on the pin?
– Whoa, looks like we got the wrong apartment! Let's scram, boys!
– Where are you going, dear guests?
– Farewell, uncle, we're catching a train!
– To Zapuzyrinsk?
– To Zapuzyrinsk, uncle, to Zapuzyrinsk!
– Maybe I should walk you out? It's pretty late... I'll be right there, just gotta take the grenade from the cat!
– Thanks, uncle, no need! Bye!
– Good riddance! Say hi to Zapuzyrinsk!
– Same to you, uncle! Tell the cat "thank you"!
– Will do, will do! I'll even give her a kiss...
– Under her tail, uncle! Go to hell!
– Masha! They're still getting cheeky! Open the door—release the cat!
– Run for your lives, boys!!!!!

GAGS

*** Do you know what kind of guy he was with?

*** Nobody in the Jacuzzi but the Girls.

*** I just can't give it to you on your birthday...

*** Art demands: "FOOOOD!!!"

*** No need to cherchez la-la!

*** Don't count your socks until autumn.

*** You can't take us with bare legs that easily!

F A I R Y T A L E S

Once upon a time, there lived a Puppy. "Why aren't I Pushkin?" he thought. "I'm a son of a bitch too, after all!"
Once upon a time, there lived a Mosquito who, with full justification, considered his wife a bloodsucker.
Once upon a time, there lived a Grenade Pin. "What possessed me to pull away?" she barely had time to think.
Once upon a time, there lived Malvina; after meeting Buratino, she developed a passion for the balance beam.
Once upon a time, there lived a Copy, but was reputed to be quite the original.

Off to the Movies...

"Nicknamed The Door". A fairytale film.
The new adventures of the wooden boy Buratino, who fell under an asphalt steamroller and changed beyond recognition.

"Maxim Sawed-Off Faces".
A gripping thriller. A bloodthirsty killer, armed with a pack of "NEVA" razor blades, lies in wait for his victims in a small private barber shop on the outskirts of Leningrad...

"Harry, the Tender Man". An erotic TV series for sexual minorities. The film touches upon the problems of AIDS, sex reassignment surgery, and the fight against male infertility among homosexuals.

"Pissed-Pants Nanny". A comedy for adults and children. Do you know what can happen if you don't bring chamber pots to kindergarteners right after naptime?..

────────────────────────────────────────

STAS Is Authorized to Announce...

MOSCOW. The prostitutes filmed with Skuratov admitted that he has a malyuta.

KHABAROVSK. A criminal case has been opened against the song and dance ensemble of woodworking plant No. 18. The ensemble's performers are suspected of using state-owned plywood on their tours.

VLADIVOSTOK. A donor blood service vehicle overturned here. The driver lost 1,500 liters of blood.

RUSSIA. The US dollar exchange rate is growing here at an unprecedented pace. For example, on April 20, they only put out for 1 dollar in Ivanovo.

GAZA STRIP. On the very first day of the Palestinian airport's operation, more than twenty airplanes flew into the air here.

CARNEGIE HALL. Arab terrorists hijacked D. Copperfield as he was flying over the auditorium and forced him to land in Libya.

════════════════════════════════════════
BREAKING NEWS:
YESTERDAY, FOUR DROPS OF NICOTINE RAINED DOWN ON LONDON! There are casualties...

════════════════════════════════════════

Mihail (MIHEICH).

ZX-WINWORD v2.1

               PUBLISHING HOUSE
    ▓▓▓  ▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓  ▓▓▓▓  ▓▓   ▓▓
    ▓  ▓ ▓    ▓    ▓  ▓ ▓    ▓  ▓ ▓  ▓
    ▓  ▓ ▓▓▓  ▓    ▓  ▓ ▓▓▓  ▓    ▓
    ▓▓▓  ▓    ▓    ▓▓▓  ▓    ▓    ▓
    ▓    ▓    ▓    ▓    ▓    ▓  ▓ ▓  ▓
    ▓    ▓▓▓▓ ▓    ▓    ▓▓▓▓  ▓▓   ▓▓

                   PRESENTS

Our New Book Releases

══════════════════════════════════════════
V. V. Mayakovsky, "Left Minced Meat"
Poetry about the embezzlers of meat products at the Kosorylovsky Meat Packing Plant.
B. Polevoy, "A Tale of an Unreal Man"
A story about the adventures of a zombie robot among real people.
"Children's Criminal Code in Pictures"
A popular book for preschoolers.
"The Mad Day or The Marriage of Figaro?"
A book about the exploits of A. Figaro—chief physician of the Belostolbov psychiatric hospital—on his wedding day.
A. Blok-Chernobylsky, "The Twelve"
A poem about twelve rare birds vainly attempting to reach the middle of the Dnieper on April 26, 1986.
"Tear-Off Calendar of Women's Diseases"
A new release from "Medgiz-Tampax-O.b."
Ostap and Taras Bulba, "Bulba"
Agricultural engineering and specifics of potato cultivation in Ukraine.
"Cheburakh and All-All-All..."
Universal children's fairy tales.
N. V. Gogol, "The Night Before the Birth of Democracy"
Memoirs of a White House defender (1991).
N. V. Gogol, "The Night Before the Birth of Totalitarianism"
Memoirs of a White House defender (1993).
P. Yershov, "The Humpbacked Horse"
──────────────────────────────────────────
1999 Typed by Vladimir Skorodumov

       ▓▓▓  ▓▓▓▓  ▓  ▓  ▓  ▓  ▓  ▓
      ▓ ░▓░ ▓░░░░ ▓░ ▓░ ▓░▓▓░ ▓░ ▓░
      ▓░ ▓░ ▓▓▓   ▓▓▓▓░ ▓▓░▓░ ▓▓▓▓░
      ▓░ ▓░ ▓░░   ▓░░▓░ ▓░░▓░ ▓░░▓░
      ▓░ ▓░ ▓▓▓▓  ▓░ ▓░ ▓░ ▓░ ▓░ ▓░
       ░  ░  ░░░░  ░  ░  ░  ░  ░  ░

IN SEPTEMBER

(The final part of the trilogy
"Lenin in the Third Quarter")
──────────────────────────────────────────

CHAPTER I

Casino "September" opened, as always, at 11:00. At the corner table sat Ilyich with the party treasury. "I'll bet on grain," decided Ilyich, pulling out money collected by Sormovo workers. "Since it was grain last time, maybe it will hit this time too." The croupier twirled his finger by his temple. "A secret signal," thought Ilyich. "Moron!" thought the croupier. It landed on "16". Ilyich croaked. At the neighboring table, Trotsky assumed they were bringing the roast duck he had ordered.

"I'll bet on 16," decided Ilyich, "since it was '16' last time, maybe it will hit this time too."

The croupier twirled his finger by his temple. "A secret signal," thought Ilyich, "I'm gonna lose my shirt again!"

Drinks were being served. Ilyich ordered a triple bourbon. There was no bourbon, but they brought him a Triple Cologne.

The orchestra struck up "Oginski's Polonaise". "Greetings, my Murka," Ilyich instantly sang along to the familiar tune. From a nearby table, Menzhinsky's voice rang out: "Three cards, gentlemen—are three sources and three component parts of three bribes."

An entertainer appeared on stage: "Gentlemen delegates of the II Congress of the RSFSR! Please listen to an announcement. Tomorrow's password is: 'Engels-Shmengels, bologna, wasp on a string.'"

Meanwhile, a wedding was raging in full swing in the next hall. That was the female Bolsheviks passing off the world revolution as an inevitability.

Vatslav Vorovsky walked up to the gramophone and put on a record playing an issue of Iskra. Everyone froze. "From a spark will co... From a spark will co...". "Pop trash," thought Ilyich and pinched Kaplan, who was sitting next to him.

"Shooting you wouldn't be enough," the young Socialist-Revolutionary cooed flirtatiously.

Towards morning, the casino closed. The guests departed one by one. It was Voroshilov lying in a puddle. On the tailbone of the future military commander stood the croupier, habitually twirling his finger by his temple, watching the tipsy Ilyich cheerfully drag himself behind a stagecoach.
──────────────────────────────────────────

CHAPTER II

Berlin. 12:30. In a hermetically sealed railway carriage stand Ilyich, Radek, and an appalling stench. Radek is vomiting. "Fume poisoning," thought Ilyich.
──────────────────────────────────────────

CHAPTER III

A hut by the lake. The end of the flood season. Ilyich anxiously kneads a milk can lid in his hands. Paradise in the hut: cervelat hangs, a bunch of sevruga lies on the bench, sea cucumbers crawl everywhere. Twelve caps hang on the wall, one for each day of the week. A courier brought a swollen cat. Glancing around furtively, Ilyich unscrews a nut and squeezes out a fresh issue of Iskra.

On the front page is the racing program. Running first is Lunacharsky from the Turukhansk transit prison. Ilyich croaks in satisfaction. A gunshot rings out.

"Hunting season," thinks Ilyich, digging out buckshot.

On the back page of Iskra, as usual, are ads and classifieds. "A group of Bolsheviks wishes to rent an underground cheaply." "Mr. Kibalchich is looking to buy a trendy landmine." "All active State Councillors are hereby deemed inactive." Ilyich snaps the newspaper shut, ducks, and croaks. Buckshot rustles overhead. The sun is setting. On the riverbank, tsarist secret police agents are roasting Krzhizhanovsky. Krzhizhanovsky is turning an appetizing, crispy brown.
──────────────────────────────────────────

CHAPTER IV

Ilyich's office. In the waiting room, walkers, riders, and swimmers crowd together. Out of habit, Ilyich swallows an inkpot and, choking on the unchewed lid, croaks. A volley rings out.

"The train station is in our hands," reports the secretary. "R.I.P. station," thinks Ilyich.
──────────────────────────────────────────

CHAPTER V

On the Mausoleum tribune stand Stalin in chrome boots and Kaganovich in brass ones. One floor below, someone is croaking. The honor guard, bent over a typewriter, is goose-stepping out the text.
──────────────────────────────────────────

Publishing House "Bolshevik Minority",
1930 Holodomor year.
Printed on Lenin's Honorary Toilet Paper

04.05.1998: Vladimir Skorodumov