Les Podervyanskyi — Patsavataya Istoriya
A modern interpretation of Shakespeare's play "Romeo and Juliet".
Dramatis Personae:
- Grisha Nepeyvoda — a dwarf from the theater troupe "Orpheus and Eurydice";
- Vasya and Petya Tverdokhlebov — Lilliputians from the troupe "Orpheus and Eurydice";
- Gnat Pilipovich Rak — playing director and performer of the role of Orpheus;
- Larisa Sidorovna Salo — performer of the role of Eurydice;
- Kolya and Polya — idiots and morons;
- Lyuba Neizhmaslo — a horse-woman from the rival troupe "Ariel";
- Lyova Kovbasa and Styopa Khulimulin — hunchbacks from the troupe "Ariel";
- Klim Moiseich Kats — chief director of the People's Theater of the Defective named after the Turkish communist Zalupokhuyberdiev;
- Ulyana Yukhimovna Svetisonechko — a holy fool old woman.
Act One
The office of Klim Moiseevich Kats. Klim Moiseevich sits in his office, busy with work. Enter Gnat Pilipovich Rak, Grisha Nepeyvoda, and the idiot Kolya.
Gnat Pilipovich Rak:
— Permit us, dear
Klim Moiseevich, so grand,
To turn to you on matters
Very urgent here at hand.
Enter Lyova Kovbasa, Styopa Khulimulin, and Polya.
Lyova Kovbasa:
— Klim Moiseevich,
Listen to what I say,
Beware of these faggots
Like fire, keep away.
Grisha Nepeyvoda:
— I'm in a terrible rage,
Shut up, you prick,
Whenever Gnat Pilipovich Rak
Begins to speak.
Styopa Khulimulin:
— Mine will grab yours
By the bare ass right here,
And beat the shit out of you
Like a dog, loud and clear.
Klim Moiseich:
— All of you fuck off,
Get out of my office now.
Everyone takes one step forward.
All in chorus:
— No!!!
During the argument, the idiots and morons Kolya and Polya silently stare at each other and snuffle; clearly, they like each other. Enter Vasya and Petya Tverdokhlebov — Lilliputians from the troupe "Orpheus and Eurydice".
Vasya (to Grisha Nepeyvoda):
— Larisa Sidorovna Salo
Got hit by a tram today...
It smashed her whole fucking face away...
Grisha:
— Is she alive?
Petya:
— Alive, of course,
But we need to act fast without delay!
We have no one to replace her with today!
Klim Moiseich:
— I said — all of you fuck off!!!
Enter Larisa Sidorovna Salo and Lyuba Neizhmaslo, both hideous.
Lyuba Neizhmaslo:
— Look — here's a shitty broad,
And clearly weak in the front, oh God!
Larisa Sidorovna:
— Shut up, you gabbling bitch,
Looking at you makes my stomach twitch!
Gnat Pilipovich Rak:
— You two sluts, both shut up!
Klim Moiseich:
— I said — all of you fuck off!
Gnat Pilipovich Rak:
— Klim Moiseevich, so fine,
Don't worry for no reason at all,
We'll arrange everything very good,
Audience comes to Lyuba's call.
However, for Eurydice's part,
Her look is somewhat wild and tart,
And her vulgar lexicon besides
Gives away the roots she hides.
I propose to seriously try
Their Polya for the leading role,
And thus kill two birds at once,
And reconcile the troupes as a whole.
Dumb scene.
Klim Moiseich:
— Comrade Rak,
Are you a prick?
Gnat Pilipovich:
— Otherwise we can't do a trick!
We'll cover Polya in a burqa veil,
Hiding all her flaws without fail,
And the scene where she lies in the grave
We'll stage as if covered in soap foam,
Then she sits up inside the coffin...
Klim Moiseich:
— Your plan has fucked my brain out of its home.
Gnat Pilipovich Rak (explaining imperturbably):
— We highlight the main image clear,
The heroine's glorious character appears,
In my opinion, it'll be fucking great.
Klim Moiseich:
— You've wandered into terrifying woods!
What comes out of this will be pure shit...
Who's our Orpheus?
Gnat Pilipovich:
— Of course — it's me!
Klim Moiseich:
— Alright then, now get the fuck out of my sight,
Watch out, don't you dare let me down,
Or we'll all be royally fucked tonight...
All in chorus:
— Klim Moiseevich, what a swell guy you are!
Act Two
Dress rehearsal of the play "Orpheus and Eurydice". The stage depicts Hell. Cauldrons stand all around, with pitch bubbling inside. On stage are Gnat Pilipovich Rak in an Orpheus costume, Grisha Nepeyvoda in the costume of the Prince of Darkness, and a retinue of devils, in whom one can recognize our old acquaintances — Vasya and Petya Tverdokhlebov, Lyova Kovbasa, and Styopa Khulimulin. In the auditorium sits Klim Moiseevich Kats with a little bell.
Gnat Pilipovich Rak as Orpheus (to Grisha):
— To you I've come, concealing naught,
Prince of damp darkness, idiotic sot.
Grisha Nepeyvoda:
— How dared you, faggot, come around
To break my peace without a sound.
Klim Moiseevich Kats rings the bell — ding-ding-ding:
— It seems to me this very phrase
Should not be spoken right away,
But if possible — slower.
Gnat Pilipovich:
— Klim Moiseich, you know better.
(to the devils):
— Hey, you dicks, bring the coffin.
Lyova Kovbasa:
— Don't boss us around, asshole.
Kolya, Vasya, and Petya roll a coffin onto the stage; Polya lies inside in a burqa. Behind the coffin silently walk Larisa Sidorovna Salo and Lyuba Neizhmaslo, dressed like hideous scarecrows.
Gnat Pilipovich:
— Oh, it is she, my lovely one,
Alas, I wandered all in vain,
She can't be brought to life again.
He begins playing the harp.
Grisha Nepeyvoda makes passes with his hands so that Polya will get up.
Klim Moiseich:
— Polya, get up!
Larisa Sidorovna:
— Only a whore
Makes everyone wait like this before!
Polya lies still. Lyuba Neizhmaslo beats Polya with a club, grunting loudly as she does. Polya tumbles out of the coffin, falls onto the floor with a loud thud, already dead. At that very instant Kolya stabs Lyuba Neizhmaslo with a knitting needle. Gnat Pilipovich Rak plays the harp louder and louder.
Klim Moiseich:
— Stop this fucking nonsense at once.
With these words, Klim Moiseevich throws the bell at Kolya and hits him right in the forehead. Kolya and the bell fall down; the bell rings, while Kolya does not, because he is dead. Gnat Pilipovich Rak shreds andantes on the harp, yet nobody rises as the play about Orpheus requires; instead, Ulyana Yukhimovna Svetisonechko, a holy fool old woman, appears on stage. In her hands is an anti-tank grenade.
Ulyana Yukhimovna Svetisonechko:
— Hit the floor, bullshitter bastards!
Everyone throws themselves onto the floor, and the harp hastily dropped by Gnat Pilipovich Rak emits a disgusting sound.
Ulyana Yukhimovna:
— Excushe me for the shity diction — I have a pin between my teeth.
Indeed — Ulyana Yukhimovna isn't lying; in her teeth she holds the pin from the anti-tank grenade.
Klim Moiseich Kats:
— I don't believe it! I don't believe it!
Ulyana Yukhimovna, having heard everything, begins to laugh horribly. Under Ulyana Yukhimovna's laughter, the curtain slowly closes. A terrible explosion is heard behind the curtain. All lights go out; in the terrifying, pitch-black silence, the dreadful clatter of a teletype is heard.
Announcer's voice:
— Lately, terrorist activity has ramped up once again. Today, unknown individuals threw a bomb into the Zalupokhuyberdiev Theater during a performance of the operetta "Orpheus and Eurydice". Some observers believe the explosion is the work of the mafia. But what actually caused this idiotic story — nobody can explain!
CURTAIN.
Next time.......
Les Podervyanskyi — A Hero of Our Time (First Novella)
Dramatis Personae:
- Savka — a hero of our time;
- Akhvanasiy — Savka's disciple;
- Teodora Filipivna — already elderly, yet a fine whore;
- Anzhela, Zhanna, and Veronika — slutty girls;
- Solomon — Savka's unsuccessful rival.
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