Absurd Dictionary, Hangover Verse, Uriah Heep Lyrics, and Fomenko's Proverbs

ABSURD DICTIONARY

(Humorous pun-based definitions playing on Russian words)

Alkaloid (alkaloid) — a drunkard.
Ram (baran, cf. bar) — a bartender.
Steelyard balances (bezmeny, cf. bez men — without men) — single women.
Bungler (brakodel, cf. brak — marriage/defect) — a registry office clerk.
Mob/Brotherhood (bratva, cf. brat' — to take) — bribe-takers.
Rutabaga (bryukva, cf. bryuki — trousers) — a lady in trousers.
Elderberry (buzina, cf. buza — uproar) — a rally/protest.
Wallet (bumazhnik, cf. bumaga — paper) — a waste-paper collector.
Scatterbrain (vetrogon, cf. veter + gon — wind-chaser) — a hairdryer.
Soothsayer (veshchun, cf. veshchi — belongings) — a luggage locker.
Bagpipe (volynka, cf. volochit' — to drag) — a burden that you drag along.
Sunday volunteer work (voskresnik, cf. voskresnut' — to resurrect) — an intensive care unit.
Delight (vostorg, cf. vostok + torg) — trading in Eastern goods.
Genotype (genotip) — Gena the Crocodile (character type).
Heroine (geroinya) — a female drug addict using heroin.
Gonorrhea (gonoreya, cf. gonor — arrogance) — an arrogant woman.
Schedule/Graph (grafik, cf. graf — count) — a count's young heir.
Garden bed (gryada) — a huge vegetable garden.
Nobleman (dvoryanin, cf. dvor — courtyard) — a homeless person living in yards.
Dogma (dogmat, cf. dog + mat) — a dog's barking/swearing.
Dragon (drakon, cf. draka — fight) — a brawler.
Daily planner (ezhednevnik, cf. yozh — hedgehog) — a hedgehog's diary.
Priest (zhrets, cf. zhrat' — to gobble) — someone who loves to eat.
Commotion (zavarukha, cf. zavarka) — tea leaves.
Hairpin (zakolka, cf. zakolot' — to stab) — a rapier.
Kingfisher (zimorodok, cf. zima + rod — born in winter) — Grandfather Frost.
Punch in the teeth (zubotychina) — a toothbrush.
Zubrówka vodka (zubrovka) — a female European bison.
Chaffinch (zyablik, cf. ozyabshiy) — a chilly, shivering person.
Cocoa (kakao, cf. kakat') — a chamber pot.
Tanner / Kozhemyaka (kozhemyaka, cf. kozha + myat' — skin kneader) — a masseur.
Coquette (kokotka, cf. ko-ko — clucking) — a broody hen.
Shiver/Chill (kolotun, cf. kolotit' — to pound) — a boxer.
Necklace (kolye, cf. ukol — injection) — a vaccination.
Conservatory (konservatoriya, cf. konservy) — a canned food factory.
Beauty (krasotka, cf. kraska — paint) — a house painter.
Cremation (kremirovaniye, cf. krem — cream) — skin care.
Pinchpenny (krokhobor, cf. krokha + bor — tiny pine forest) — tundra.
Lace (kruzhevo, cf. kruzhit' — to spin) — a carousel.
Croupier (krupye, cf. krupa — groats) — a grain/groats supplier.
Baptismal font (kupel', cf. kupit' — to buy) — a shop.
Curator (kurator, cf. kura — chicken) — a rooster.
Sash (kushak, cf. kushat' — to eat) — a person who eats a lot.
Ladder (lestnitsa, cf. lest' — flattery) — a female sycophant.
Majordomo (mazhordom, cf. mazhor + dom) — a place where spoiled rich boys hang out.
Sutler woman (markitantka, cf. marka — stamp) — a female stamp collector.
Medallion (medalyon) — a dress uniform.
Mentality (mentalitet, cf. ment — cop) — the psychology of an ordinary policeman.
Forget-me-not (nezabudka, cf. ne zabyt' — not to forget) — a notebook.
Robbery (ogrableniye, cf. grabli — rake) — raking and cleaning up the yard.
Plough/Horn (oralo, cf. orat' — to yell) — a tomcat in March.
"Panasonic" (panasonik, cf. Panas + sonnik) — Grandpa Panas's dream book.
Papier-mâché (papye-mashe, cf. papa + mama) — mom and dad.
Parameter (parametr, cf. para metrov) — two meters.
Bulkhead/Sorting (pereborka, cf. perebor — overdrinking) — a terrible hangover.
Piranhas (piranyi, cf. pir + raneye) — guests who arrive at the feast earlier than everyone else.
Pyrotechnician (pirotekhnik, cf. pir — feast) — a toastmaster.
Python (piton, cf. pit' — to drink) — a drunkard.
Arquebus (pishchal', cf. pishchat' — to squeak) — a newborn baby.
Horse-drawn cart (podvoda, cf. pod vodoy — underwater) — a submarine.
Spine (pozvonochnik, cf. pozvonit' — to call) — a telephone.
Pole (polyak, cf. pole — field) — a collective farmer.
Diarrhea (ponos, cf. po nosu — on the nose) — a punch on the nose.
Pontoon (ponton, cf. ponty — showing off) — a New Russian who speaks exclusively in show-off slang.
Prankster (prokaznik, cf. prokaza — leprosy) — a leper colony.
Layman (profan) — the TV show "Fan Club."
Rogue (prokhvost, cf. khvost — tail) — a dog breeder.
Rye (rzhanoy, cf. rzhat' — to laugh uproariously) — funny.
Bagel (rogalik, cf. roga — horns/cuckold) — a husband.
Sadist (sadist, cf. sad — garden) — an orchard owner.
Salon (salon, cf. salo — pork fat) — a salo lover.
Moonshine (samogon, cf. sam + gonit — self-pedaler) — a cyclist.
Saccharin (sakharin, cf. Sakhara — Sahara) — a desert dweller.
Secateurs (sekator, cf. sech' — to chop) — an executioner.
Setter (setter, cf. set — tennis set) — a tennis player.
Synchrotron (sinkhrotron, cf. tron — throne) — a diarchy.
Livestock breeder (skotovod, cf. s kotom + vodit' — walking with a cat) — a person walking their cat.
Vulture (stervyatnik, cf. sterva — bitch) — a gathering of bitches.
Stereoscope (stereoskop, cf. skopets) — a eunuch.
Textolite (teksto-lit, cf. tekst + lit' — pouring text) — a graphomaniac.
Grass/Weed (travka, cf. otravka — poison) — bad food.
Jerboa (tushkanchik, cf. tushka — carcass) — a butcher.
Unique genius (unikum, cf. uniya + kum) — the godfather of a Uniate member.
Platypus (utkonos, cf. utka — hospital bedpan + nosit' — to carry) — a hospital orderly.
Earwig (ukhovertka, cf. ukho + vertet') — an earring.
ENT specialist (ukhogorlonos — ear-throat-nose) — Cheburashka.
Chlamys cloak (khlamida, cf. khlam — junk) — a storage room.
Chromosome (khromosom, cf. khromoy + som — lame catfish) — a catfish with a torn-off fin.
Electrode (elektrod, cf. elektro + rod — clan) — an electrician's family.

(P) 1999. Vladimir Skorodumov

In this "little poem," grammatical mistakes were deliberately inserted for rhyme and cadence, so please don't swear out loud. It wouldn't be hard for me to highlight them in capital letters, but that would distract from the point.

Note: it is NOT recommended for young boys to read (to avoid misunderstanding certain terms).

So: this poem is dedicated to those who didn't BOOZE with me yesterday; in short, I'm writing total nonsense in the state of a hangover period.

A cow was singing songs bent over,
A pig went mad with fury.
A dog fell down out of a tree,
And stomped a duck right in a hurry.
The little mice poured drinks in silence,
The tomcats downed them in a flash.
And then a bear fell from the window —
He'd poured HIMSELF a glass, the rash!
The frogs puked right into the well,
For which the Shamans fucked them all.
And then a fucking crow came in:
— What the fuck is this, damn all?!
A billy goat stepped up in silence,
And laid the crow upon the floor.
Then he began to "poke" her hard:
— What kind of joke is fucking you?!
He nailed her straight onto the wall,
And pinned an obituary next to her.
He cursed the bastard long and loud,
Since he tore his "bridle" on her!
And then the master walks right out:
— Fuck your ass, who's Master here?
And Master started poking a hen.
— Who's gonna run to fetch the vodka,
Goddamn it?!
— Goose, fuck off and get some snacks!
Tuzik the dog walked right up
And put a bottle on the table.
The goose went out to get some snacks,
And found a crowbar on the road.
She rolled around inside some puke
And came right back up to the pooch.
— We're gonna eat you up alive,
Goddamn it!
She beat the living shit out of the dog,
And ripped off its huge cock.
She threw the dog into a pot
And went to bed to get some sleep.

In short, looks like I didn't booze enough...

EOF ...

Hello, gentlemen. For fans of the band URIAH HEEP, I present the lyrics to the song JULY MORNING (1971, from the album Look At Yourself).

- JULY MORNING -

There I was on July morning
Looking for love
With the strength
Of a new day dawning
And the beautiful sun

At the sound
Of the first bird singing
I was leaving for home
With the storm
And the night behind me
And a road of my own

With the day came the resolution
I'll be looking for you
La la la la ...

I was looking for love
In the stangest places
Wasn't a stone
That I left unturned
Must have third more
Than a thousand faces
But not one was aware
Of the fire that burned

In my heart, in my mind, in my soul
La la la la ...

There I was on July morning
I was looking for love
With the strength
Of a new day dawning
And the beautiful sun
And at the sound
Of the first bird singing
I was leaving for home
With the storm
And the night behind me
Yeah, and a road of my own

EOF

NIKOLAI FOMENKO AND "RUSSKOE RADIO"

1. If you like sledding — climb into the truck bed.
2. Don't spit in the well — once it flies out, you won't catch it.
3. The deeper into the forest, the thicker the partisans.
4. By day with fire, by evening we'll unbend it.
5. When there are no women around, even a fish bent over will do.
6. Faster, deeper, gentler.
7. You can't spoil Masha with a finger.
8. Don't look a roasted horse in the ass.
9. Not worth a broken egg.
10. For freebies, even a beast comes running.
11. Woman off the cart — and the wolves are fed!
12. Lie down, girl, both big and small.
13. Came, saw, and left.
14. If you like sledding — love it and keep sledding.
15. Job done — wash your body.
16. Whoever's last is the one who inserts it.
17. Job done — easier for the mare.
18. Your own Natasha is closer to the body.
19. The deeper into the forest, the closer the way out.
20. The egg doesn't fall far from the hen.
21. Happy people don't wear underwear.
22. Don't blame the mirror until you jump over it.
23. Work isn't a dick, it'll stand for 100 years.
24. Your tongue will lead you to a hitman.
25. Seven will find one.
26. Whoever gets up earliest gets the slippers.
27. Prepare your sleigh in summer, and your honor from youth.
28. Whoever you hang out with, that's who you'll catch it from.
29. When there are no birds around, even an ass is a nightingale.
30. A word isn't a sparrow: if they catch you, you'll fly out.
31. A friend is known in poverty.
32. Woman off the cart — an hour for fun.
33. A big ship deserves a big torpedo.
34. My uncle robbed the most honest people.
35. Not everything that rises is the sun.
36. Hold tighter to the chauffeur's girl, you ram!
37. Don't drink from the well — you'll need it to spit in.
38. Didn't even blink an ear!
39. Whatever you dare, that's what you'll reap.
40. Don't say "hop" if your mug is crooked.
41. Sex without a girl is a sign of a fool.
42. Not everything that lies poorly is gold.
43. A bald man is no companion to one on foot.
44. Job done — get the woman off the cart.
45. Not worth an eaten penny.
46. The slower you drive, the fatter your face.
47. To some it's nauseating, and to others even in the ass is fine.
48. Men — get married; women — take courage.
49. Don't blame the mirror if your balls are in the way.
50. One man in the field is worse than a Tatar.
53. Job done — climb off the body.
54. In the dark, all cats shit.
55. Soldiers are counted in the autumn.
56. For "no," there's neither here nor there.
57. He who doesn't work, drinks!
59. The slower you drive, the fuck if you'll ever arrive.
60. Without a pond, you can't pull a fish out of it either.
61. Small is the gold coin, yet there's nowhere to get it.
62. Better to oversleep (sleep around) than to undereat.
63. Wash your hands instead of eating.
64. Your own straitjacket is closer to the body.
65. Strike the iron while he's hot.
66. Hunger isn't an aunt — you'll fall in love with a goat too.
67. Don't spit in the well — you'll end up in there yourself.
68. Woman off the cart — she'll fly out and you won't catch her.
69. At home, even the walls won't help against a thief.
70. One head is good, and two boots are a pair.
71. Wherever you throw it, you'll end up there yourself.
72. An awl isn't a sparrow, it won't run into the forest.
73. Whoever wakes up early will die early too.
74. Time for business, money for fun.
75. The quieter you are, the farther you'll drive.
77. Don't spit in the well — there's nobody in there anyway.
78. If you like sledding — go to hell.

P.S.: Guess who sent this in?